#126 5 Hard (But Liberating) Truths About Break-Ups
In today's episode, we're talking all about break-ups. Break-ups are one of the most challenging and sometimes destabilising emotional experiences we can go through, and there is so much conflicting advice and information on how best to approach the ending of a relationship.
In this episode, I'm providing you with some hard (but hopefully liberating) truths about the break-up process, so that you can make the most of the opportunity that your break-up offers to deepen in your self-awareness and your relationship with yourself.
In today's episode, we're talking all about break-ups. Break-ups are one of the most challenging and sometimes destabilising emotional experiences we can go through, and there is so much conflicting advice and information on how best to approach the ending of a relationship.
In this episode, I'm providing you with some hard (but hopefully liberating) truths about the break-up process, so that you can make the most of the opportunity that your break-up offers to deepen in your self-awareness and your relationship with yourself.
5 Essential Truths About Moving on After a Breakup
Breakups are one of the most challenging emotional experiences we can go through. The pain, confusion, and disorientation that come with the end of a relationship can be deeply overwhelming. In this article, we will explore five hard but liberating truths about breakups to help you navigate the process of moving on and healing.
Breakups Aren’t a Competition
One of the most damaging mindsets to adopt after a breakup is to see it as a competition. The narrative of needing to emerge as the “winner” or prove something to your ex is pervasive in our culture, often perpetuated by social media and pop culture. It’s essential to understand that breakups are not about proving your worth in comparison to your ex. Feeling sad, lonely, or missing your ex is completely normal and doesn’t make you a loser. Instead of getting caught up in a futile competition, focus on nourishing and taking care of yourself. Embrace the opportunity to learn and grow from the experience.
Closure Is Within You
The need for closure after a breakup is natural, but it’s crucial to recognise that closure may not come from your ex. Seeking answers or explanations from someone who may not have the emotional capacity to provide them can be disempowering. Instead, it’s important to make peace with the unknown and accept the lack of closure as a part of the process. Reframe closure as a decision within yourself to accept things as they are, rather than depending on external sources for resolution.
Respect Their Space
After a breakup, it’s important to acknowledge that you no longer have the right to know what your ex is thinking, feeling, or doing. Unless there are specific circumstances, such as co-parenting, it’s essential to detach from the need for oversight. For those with anxious attachment patterns, the loss of control over this information can feel destabilising. However, redirecting your focus back to yourself and your needs can help in navigating the feeling of disorientation.
Seek Support Outside the Relationship
Continuing to provide emotional support to each other after a breakup can complicate the healing process. Diversifying your support systems away from your ex can help in unravelling the emotional ties. Seeking emotional support from someone other than your ex is crucial for moving on and processing the breakup. Providing emotional support to your ex can delay the process of acceptance and moving on and can be detrimental to both parties' healing.
Accept Their Future, But Focus on Yours
It’s natural to feel uncomfortable at the thought of your ex moving on and starting a new relationship. However, it’s important to recognise that they will move on, just as you will. Accepting this inevitability can help in finding peace and letting go. Comparing your own progress with your ex's can lead to self-judgment and unnecessary suffering. It's crucial to focus on your own healing and growth, understanding that everyone's journey is unique.
In conclusion, navigating a breakup can be challenging, but embracing these truths can help in the healing process. Understanding that breakups are not about winning or losing, making peace with the lack of closure, respecting each other's space, seeking support outside the relationship, and accepting the inevitability of their future can all contribute to a healthier post-breakup experience. Remember to be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel and heal, and focus on your own journey of growth and resilience.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. How do you find yourself reacting to the idea that breakups are not a competition with winners and losers? Have you ever felt pressure to "win" the breakup or prove something to your ex?
2. Reflect on the concept of closure in breakups. How do you typically seek closure in your relationships? How does the idea that you may never get closure from a breakup make you feel?
3. How comfortable are you with the idea that you no longer have a right or entitlement to know what your ex is thinking, feeling, or doing after a breakup? Do you agree that accepting this reality can be liberating?
4. Consider the importance of seeking emotional support from sources other than your ex after a breakup. How does this resonate with you based on your past experiences with breakups?
5. How do you feel about the inevitability of both you and your ex moving on after a breakup? Does the idea of your ex moving on sooner or later affect your feelings about the breakup and the relationship?
6. In what ways have societal influences, such as social media and pop culture, shaped your perceptions of breakups and post-breakup behavior? How do these influences impact your emotional responses to a breakup?
7. Reflect on the concept of self-worth and ego in the context of breakups. How has the need to prove oneself or "win" after a breakup influenced your behaviors and emotions?
8. Consider the connection between attachment patterns and seeking information and control after a breakup. How do your attachment patterns influence your desire for oversight and information about your ex post-breakup?
9. How does the idea of providing emotional support to your ex, or receiving emotional support from your ex, after a breakup align with your own experiences? How do you navigate the challenge of setting boundaries in post-breakup interactions?
10. Reflect on the role of self-care and self-compassion in navigating the challenges of a breakup. In what ways do you prioritize your own well-being and healing during this difficult time?
Remember, the reflection process is a personal journey and it's okay to take the time to answer these questions at your own pace.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about breakups and specifically five hard but liberating truths about breakups. So breakups are one of those areas. It's sort of in the top three things that I get asked about, and understandably so, given that a breakup is obviously one of those potentially really cataclysmic events in our lives and in our relationships, and it can be really disorienting and it can really throw us off centre and make us question and doubt so many things, both within ourselves, within our perception, our experience, our relationships with others. And it can really rock our confidence and our sense of certainty about the future. So many things about a breakup can really throw us into a sense of disarray, and I think the grief of that experience is really profound and really important to honour. And I'm a big advocate of really leaning into the grief that a breakup will bring rather than trying to quickly rush through it or bypass it or numb it out or avoid it.
[00:01:39]:
But in today's episode, I'm hoping to give you some frank and pragmatic advice, always delivered with love and care. But I think that there can be so much noise on social media and in pop culture around breakups, and much of it is really unhelpful. And it's probably going to send you in a direction that will keep you stuck is probably the best way of putting it. And keeping you in a mindset that's maybe not mature, not adaptive, not really focused on your growth and your healing and you learning the lessons of your breakup. Because I do think that all breakups bring with them really powerful lessons about ourselves and are an opportunity to deepen in that relationship and to really clarify who we want to be and what's important to us and what our values are and maybe the mistakes that we made and how we can do better next time. So what we're going to be talking about today is all of that and more. But before I dive into that, I just wanted to let you know that if you are going through a breakup at the moment, or you have been through one recently and you're struggling with that, I have a free, guided meditation on finding closure and letting go, which you can download on my website, which we'll link in the show notes. It's a really beautiful meditation.
[00:02:57]:
I think about 5000 people or more have downloaded it over the past maybe 18 months. So it's really very popular and always gets great feedback. So if that's something that sounds helpful to you, definitely go and cheque it out and let me know what you think. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around five hard but liberating truths around breakups. So the first one that I want to offer you is that breakups are not a competition with a winner and a loser. So please stop seeing them that way and stop competing with your ex to try and come out on top or emerge as the victor of your breakup. This is so, again, I think, really deeply entrenched as a result of kind of basic content, to put it bluntly, on Instagram, TikTok in rom coms, this sense of needing to win, needing to get revenge, needing to prove your ex wrong by having some makeover and making them regret the relationship ending like they'll never know what they missed, that kind of thing. I really don't think that that is helpful at all because it keeps you in this mindset of needing to figure out where your worth sits relative to your ex, based on who is doing well, whatever that means, versus who's having a hard time.
[00:04:22]:
And I think what inevitably happens here is you end up feeling like you shouldn't feel sad or you shouldn't feel lonely, or you shouldn't miss them. That all of those feelings are in some way wrong and they turn you into a loser, they make you pathetic, they make you desperate, when really they're absolutely normal experiences to go through after a relationship ends. And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that they have come out on top and you are somehow left behind. I really think that that kind of mindset only contributes to us feeling broken or shaming ourselves after a breakup. And even if it's the other way around, even if you convince yourself that you are the winner, so to speak, that you are better than them, that it's their loss, that whole mindset is just really, I think, steeped in ego. And it's a sense of like, if I can convince myself that it's their loss and I never love them anyway and I'm going to go on a diet and get a makeover, and they'll regret the day that they ever thought that they could break up with me, that kind of mentality, I don't think that you are actually addressing what is going on for you. And I think that that is almost always coming from ego, which is cloaked over really low self worth. And I think that the person who is in touch with themselves, who is emotionally mature, who is really tending to their experience, doesn't go into that trap because they know that it's messier than that.
[00:06:00]:
It's more nuanced than that. It's not some binary thing, it's not a competition. So if you find yourself getting sucked into that kind of mindset of needing to win or needing to come out on top in some way, needing to prove something with your breakup, I'd really encourage you to try and let go of that and just redirect the attention back to you, not you relative to them, but just you, to really nourishing yourself, to taking good care of yourself, to yes, becoming the best version of yourself going forward and really learning the lessons of your breakup. Integrating all of that. Absolutely. But not with a view to making your ex regretful jealous, any of those things. It's not about them anymore, it's about you. Okay, so the next hard but liberating truth about breakups is you may never get closure from them.
[00:06:53]:
Now, I've spoken about this many times before, and it is such a challenging place to be in. It's a real bind, because often when we are left needing closure or feeling this need for closure, when everything feels very unresolved, when perhaps we've been blindsided, we really didn't see something coming. Maybe someone's behaviour was very inconsistent. One week they were saying they loved us and they couldn't wait to spend their lives with us. And the next week they've totally had a change of heart and they have ended the relationship. Of course you want answers, of course you want an explanation, of course you want to make that make sense so that you can feel an internal sense of resolution. All of that is so normal, natural, human. And at the same time, I think we have to get really honest with ourselves and really realistic about a person's capacity to provide us with a cogent explanation.
[00:07:48]:
When clearly their behaviour indicates that they don't really know how they feel, what they want, when they don't have that internal sense of cohesiveness in their own emotions or thoughts or desires. And when we outsource our own sense of whether or not we can move on, when we place that power in someone else's hands, we're putting ourselves in a really vulnerable position and a really disempowered one because there's a good chance that the person who left you feeling that way so desperately in need of answers and in need of closure, who may not have had the emotional capacity to communicate clearly and respectfully and honestly and with a level of self awareness, it's unlikely that they're going to suddenly show up having developed that capacity after the breakup, when frankly, they no longer owe you that because you're not in a relationship anymore. And it's hard to force the hand of someone who doesn't want to show up in that way or doesn't have the capacity to show up in that way, particularly when you're no longer in a relationship. So getting really honest with yourself around that and really realistic, and I invite you to reframe closure as something that you get to decide that you make your peace with the not knowing, you make your peace with the way things ended in maybe a confusing way, maybe a way that doesn't make sense and that feels really inconsistent. And just recognising that your closure comes from your decision to accept things as they are, rather than from needing answers from someone that they may or may not ever be willing or able to provide you. As I said, that latter approach is really disempowering and will keep you stuck for a very long time. And frankly, I think sometimes we use this idea of closure. I just need to have one more conversation with them.
[00:09:40]:
I just need to see them one more time so that I can get closure. I think we have to be honest about the extent to which we're using that as a reason to keep holding on and hoping that if we can have that one conversation, then we can maybe change their mind, or we can persuade them, or we can coach them back off the ledge if their fear has arisen and has led them to end the relationship, any of those things, at least if we keep the line of communication open, then we might be able to influence them in the direction of what we want. But all of those things are, as I said, I think, keeping us stuck in limbo and in this place that prevents us from really moving on with our lives, try and release the need to wait for closure from them that may or may not ever come. Okay, so the next hard but liberating truth about breakups is that you no longer have any right or entitlement to know what they are thinking, feeling or doing with their time. So this one probably has a few caveats to it. Obviously there are lots of different contexts and circumstances where you might still have intertwined lives for example, if you're living together or you have children and you're co parenting, things like that. But absent those sorts of circumstances, in just a regular breakup, I think something that particularly anxiously attached people can really struggle with is this idea of like, I no longer have oversight over them and I don't really have any right to know because information can feel like such a safety blanket for you if you're someone with anxious attachment patterns. And so the sudden severing of that line of information, of knowing how to reach them, what they're up to, where they're going, what they're doing, feeling like you have no control over that can feel extremely destabilising and can really send you spinning out.
[00:11:30]:
Because I think a lot of the time your energy is directed towards that sort of monitoring and feeling like you have everything under control and you kind of know what is going on. That's often a way that you create safety for yourself. Whether that's healthy or not is a different conversation, but nevertheless, I think that's really common. And so when a relationship ends and all of a sudden the rug sort of pulled up from underneath you in that respect, it can feel really disorienting. But as with all of these other things, it is just part of the process of a breakup, accepting that that's no longer kind of within your jurisdiction. Often I'll get messages and questions from people saying my ex is going on dates or talking to these people, what do I do? Or my ex won't answer the phone. My ex, how am I meant to know what they're feeling? And I think the simple answer, again, not easy, but simple, is there's nothing for you to do there. It's actually not for you anymore, it's not yours to do anything about.
[00:12:30]:
And of course that brings up its own stuff for you to process. But again, I think there's a theme in all of these truths that I'm sharing with you, is to reorient back to yourself and not yourself relative to them, but to try and consciously, repeatedly and it will be a practise rather than something that comes naturally, but to keep bringing your focus back to what do I need right now? How can I support myself? What am I feeling? Rather than the thing that most of us do, which is when we feel grief, sadness, discomfort, loneliness, fear, is we look outwards and try and find ways to control other people, control our environment, control our relationships, so that we don't have to feel those uncomfortable feelings. But a big part of your growth, whether you're in the context of a breakup or otherwise is learning to just be with those things within yourself and increasing your tolerance for that and your resilience. So, recognising that you don't have jurisdiction over your partner anymore, that you don't get to know necessarily what they're doing, what they're thinking, what they're feeling, and that you can't force them to have another conversation with you, to answer your calls, to want to see you, all of that stuff, again, is not really within your right or entitlement once the relationship ends. Now, of course, again, if a relationship ends amicably and you're both open to that, that's totally fine. But that's not really the situation I'm speaking to there. And I suspect that if you're in that situation, you may not be struggling with the fallout of a breakup quite so much as others who are having a bit more of a severance of all contact in the relationship. Okay, so the next hard but liberating truth is that it is very rarely a good idea for you to provide emotional support to one another as you process the breakup.
[00:14:22]:
Meaning, if you are supporting each other through that period and you are calling each other and crying and processing and really leaning on each other, when you're feeling grief, when you're feeling sadness, when you're feeling loss and loneliness and all of those things, if they're still your comfort person and your go to emotional support person, that's really going to muddy the waters in almost all cases. Now, of course, as with all of these things, there will be exceptions. But I think a lot of the time when we expect the person who we've just ended the relationship with to be our emotional crutch, it's going to be very, very hard for you to actually come to terms with the fact that the relationships ended. This is why things like no contact periods can be really helpful, is because we sort of need a period of separation and space in order that we can process the fact that we are no longer in a relationship with this person. Because even though you might know that consciously, cognitively, your deeper parts of you, your nervous system, your attachment system, all of that that's really accustomed to being connected to this person needs a chance to recalibrate and to recognise that that's no longer the case. And so diversifying your support systems away from one another is really important. It's really not healthy or adaptive, as I said, in most cases, for you to be leaning heavily on each other as the support while you're trying to unravel the relationship and disentangle yourselves emotionally from one another. I do think that that will ultimately make things more complicated because you're just kicking the can down the road, delaying the inevitable and in so doing, delaying the need to move on, which then means that you're putting the rest of your life on hold and your next chapter on hold.
[00:16:14]:
So I think, in most cases, really try and seek emotional support in processing the breakup from someone other than your ex. And don't put it upon yourself to be that person for them. Again, I get a lot of questions from people saying my ex is really depressed or they're really struggling after the breakup, and I feel so guilty. What do I do? Of course, it's not about being cold or callous, but ultimately, that's not your responsibility to manage their emotional experience post breakup. And it's in both of your best interests for them to find another resource, another person, another form of support that isn't you, because that's just the reality that that's not going to be you anymore, and they're not going to be that for you anymore, at least in the short term. So coming to terms with that, and really, as much as it might be uncomfortable or challenging, knowing that that's probably what's best for both of you. Okay. And the fifth and final one is that sooner or later, they will move on and so will you.
[00:17:11]:
So I think that the idea of our ex being with someone new, dating someone new, sleeping with someone new, loving someone else, can range from mildly uncomfortable or icky. We can just feel a bit, oh, I don't really want to think about that all the way to. I can't even bear the thought. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. Totally intolerable. Right? I think there's a whole spectrum between those extremes. But either way, I do think that for most of us, there is some discomfort, at least around those thoughts. And yet it is inevitable, right? Unless you obviously get back together soon after breaking up, that if the relationship has really ended, then they will move on with their lives and you will move on with your life, too, even if that feels so far away right now and so out of reach, and you can't imagine being in that headspace or having any sort of interest or openness to being with someone else.
[00:18:05]:
That's part of life, and that's what's going to happen, and it doesn't have to mean anything. Right? I think so many people fall into the trap of, oh, my ex has moved on more quickly than I have. Does that mean they never cared about me, didn't love me. What's this new person got that I don't have? Again, going back into that mindset of comparison and competition that inevitably leaves us feeling worse. Just recognising that it will happen and that's okay. And that might feel like you're making progress and it's been a few months and then you find out that you're exit dating someone new and all of a sudden you experience this big whiplash and you're right back where you were, right in the depths of all of those post breakup feelings. Again, totally normal. So just preparing ourselves for that and managing our expectations rather than panicking, making that mean anything about us or about the relationship.
[00:18:58]:
Or they didn't really care about the relationship because they're now dating someone new, or they said that they didn't want to get married. And then two years later I find out that they are engaged to someone else. Why? What was wrong with me? All of that stuff, I think, just gets us into such a dark place and leaves us feeling so broken and unworthy and really judging ourselves. And I don't think that that is at all in any way healthy or supportive of what you really need. So again, just releasing the need to monitor them, to control them, to keep tabs on what they're doing or how their life is progressing and just coming to terms with the fact finding, acceptance for the fact that as you will move on, so too will they. And that might happen on a different timeline. And that's okay as well. It's not about you anymore.
[00:19:54]:
And so I think the sooner we can accept that, of course that will happen sooner or later, then the sooner we will find our peace with that and realise that it's not about us and it's not for us to focus on or obsess over. Okay, so that was five hard, but hopefully liberating truths about breakups. I hope that this has given you some comfort, some clarity, some redirection. If you're going through a breakup and you're feeling a bit like you're spinning around in the whirlpool of all of that complex, dense emotion, just knowing that it is really normal and natural to be feeling those things, you don't have to try and rush through it or get away from it or make it stop. I think the more that we can stay with those emotions and those experiences, as uncomfortable as they can be, the quicker we get through them. Ironically enough, it's in resisting them and trying to block them or make them go away, that we actually end up obsessing in the story of it and obsessing over what our ex is doing and obsessing over everything that happened and that actually protracts the whole experience. It prolongs the whole experience in a way that tends to exacerbate our suffering. So be really kind to yourself.
[00:21:13]:
As I said at the start, if you've gone through a breakup recently and you'd like an extra resource in your toolkit, definitely check out the free guided meditation on finding closure and letting go that will be linked in the show notes and also relatively easy to find on the freebies page of my website. Sending you so much love. Thank you for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:21:39]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, courage, self-reflection, intentions, fear, challenge, gratitude, personal growth, career change, coaching, therapy, psychology, values, alignment, change, transformation, self-discipline, agency, intentional living, new year, self-awareness, inspiration, self-respect, self-worth, agency, restorative, achievement, pride, satisfaction.
#125 How to Live Courageously in 2024
For our last episode of the year, I'm sharing my own story about the power of choosing courage over comfort and making bold, scary, uncomfortable choices in the direction of the life that you desire. So many of us cling to familiarity and the known thing, even when it feels draining and deeply at odds with who we want to be and how we want our lives to look and feel.
As we say goodbye to 2023 and enter the new year, let us reflect on where we are still hiding or avoiding in our lives, and what might be possible if we embrace a bigger, bolder, braver life that we can truly be proud of.
For our last episode of the year, I'm sharing my own story about the power of choosing courage over comfort and making bold, scary, uncomfortable choices in the direction of the life that you desire. So many of us cling to familiarity and the known thing, even when it feels draining and deeply at odds with who we want to be and how we want our lives to look and feel.
As we say goodbye to 2023 and enter the new year, let us reflect on where we are still hiding or avoiding in our lives, and what might be possible if we embrace a bigger, bolder, braver life that we can truly be proud of.
Embracing Courage in 2024
Courage is a trait often associated with grand acts of heroism or bravery. However, the courage to live authentically, make significant life changes, and pursue personal growth in the face of fear is equally, if not more, profound. As we stand at the threshold of 2024, it’s an opportune moment to reflect on the role of courage in our lives and how it can shape our experiences, relationships, and overall well-being.
Courage thrives in the space of authenticity. It’s about daring to be true to oneself, even when the road ahead seems uncertain and daunting. For many, the journey towards courage begins with a deep introspection, a willingness to acknowledge one’s fears, insecurities, and limitations. It involves peeling back the layers of societal expectations and personal doubts to uncover the authentic desires and values that fuel our ambitions.
It’s often tempting to remain in our comfort zones, surrounded by the familiar and the safe. However, the truest expressions of courage arise when we confront the uncomfortable. Despite external appearances that may project success, an individual may still feel empty, unfulfilled, and disconnected from their true selves. The realisation that the pursuit of comfort can sometimes lead to feeling profoundly uncomfortable within can be a catalyst for transformative change.
Fear is a natural and universal response to the unknown. Yet, it is also a barrier that can hinder personal growth and obstruct the path to creating a life aligned with one's aspirations. Many have encountered the paralysing grip of fear, particularly when contemplating making significant life changes. However, it’s within these moments of uncertainty that courage emerges. In 2024, it's essential to foster the courage to face fears, acknowledge their existence, and take steps forward despite them.
Courage grants us the gift of navigating the unknown with resilience and determination. Choosing the path of uncertainty requires a leap of faith, a belief in one’s ability to overcome challenges, and an acceptance of the inevitable setbacks. Stephanie’s experience demonstrates that embracing courage often leads to unexpected opportunities, personal growth, and a profound sense of gratitude towards oneself. The act of seizing control and forging a path aligned with one’s values and aspirations is a testament to the transformative potential of courage.
As we stand on the precipice of a new year, the message of embracing courage and intentionality resonates deeply. It serves as an invitation for individuals to carve a path towards a life overflowing with purpose, growth, and gratification. Recognising the presence of fear and choosing to explore the discomfort amidst a backdrop of convention and expectations can mark 2024 as a year of significant personal evolution and resilience. In 2024, the call to embrace courage and intentionality stands as an opportunity for transformative changes, a chance to redefine one’s narrative, and an invitation to navigate the year with an unwavering spirit of resilience and authenticity.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How does the concept of courage resonate with you in your own life and relationships? Do you find yourself leaning towards the comfortable and familiar, or are you more inclined towards taking risks and embracing the unknown?
Have you ever reached a point in your life where you felt deeply dissatisfied or unfulfilled, despite outward appearances of success? How did this impact your sense of self-worth and purpose?
Reflect on a time when fear or insecurity held you back from making a change that you knew was necessary. What were the consequences of staying in the familiar, easy path versus embracing the courageous, but uncertain, option?
In what areas of your life do you feel a deep yearning for something more or different? What steps can you take to honour those yearnings and move towards a life that aligns with your deepest values and desires?
Think about a moment when you felt a sense of deep self-trust and inner alignment. What choices or actions led to this feeling, and how did it impact your overall well-being and satisfaction with life?
Consider the role of external validation and societal expectations in shaping your life choices. How have these influences guided your decisions, and what might it look like to break free from their hold to pursue a more authentic path?
Have you ever faced setbacks or challenges after choosing the courageous, less-travelled path? How did these obstacles impact your sense of self and your commitment to pursuing a life aligned with your values?
What changes or choices have you been contemplating that align with your deepest desires and values, but also feel scary and uncertain? How can you begin taking steps towards embracing the unknown and making these changes a reality?
Reflect on a time when you chose the easy or familiar path over the courageous and challenging one. What did you learn from that experience, and how has it shaped your approach to making difficult decisions since then?
How do you envision your life looking a year from now if you were to wholeheartedly embrace courage and step into the unknown? What fears or obstacles might you need to overcome, and what support or resources could help you along the way?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Our last episode for 2023. As at the time of recording, it is the 31 December here in Australia at least, and I am wanting to talk to you today about courage and give you a little bit of a pep talk for 2024. I always find this time of year to be fertile ground for self reflection, for taking stock, and for setting intentions for the year ahead. Not so much in a cheesy resolution way of telling yourself that you're going to go to the gym every day, even though you know you aren't, or anything in that vein, but for deeper reflection, for getting really honest with ourselves around what's working and what isn't, where we are still hiding or withholding or letting fear drive us in our lives. And for me at least, courage and learning to practise courage and to embrace challenge and the unknown, all of that has been hugely formative in my own life and in getting me to where I am today, which when I look at the life that I am living, that I have created, that I continue to create both personally and professionally, I am really overcome with profound gratitude, both for everything that I have, but also towards myself. Because I know that a lot of what I am surrounded by today is a direct result of hard things that I turned towards rather than away from in years gone by.
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And so I wanted to share a little bit more of my own personal experience with courage and with fear and with doing scary things as a way to maybe inspire you, maybe aspects of my story will resonate with you in different ways, but hopefully to dispel the myth to the extent that you have some impression of me, that it's all been smooth sailing and easygoing, it absolutely hasn't. And my life hasn't always looked like it does now. Not to say that my life now is always smooth sailing, it absolutely isn't. But I am really deeply appreciative and joyful at the moment with everything that is going on for me. And I want you to feel like all that you desire, not necessarily the specifics of a checklist of things that you would need in order for your life to feel perfect. But if you're someone who feels like joy and peace and gratitude and fulfilling relationships like that's out of reach for you for some reason. I really want you to believe that that's not true. But it might take some courage, some bravery, some unknowns for you to move in the direction of the life that you really want and the life that you would be proud of.
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So let's rewind, say, five years, five years ago for me, some of you will know this. Many of you won't, I suspect, if you are newer to me, to my podcast. Five years ago, I was working as a corporate lawyer doing m and a, mergers and acquisitions. I was working ridiculously long hours. Actually found a photo in my camera roll the other day of me leaving work at like 04:30 a.m. In the lift. So that was what my life looked like. A lot of work, a lot of partying.
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When I wasn't working, I was in a really unhealthy relationship that was fueled by a combination of ego and low self worth. And as much as outwardly, it might have looked like I was ticking a lot of boxes. I had done really well in my high school exams. I'd gotten a scholarship to go to university. I'd studied for five years. I had an honours degree in law and a degree in political economy. I had travelled extensively. When I finished university, I had job offers from all of the top law firms in Sydney.
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It was really like my life was all laid out before me. And I tell you what, my ego really liked it. It's such a funny two sides of the same coin, I think. Ego and low self worth. I think the lower our deep sense of security, the more prone we are to being seduced by things that our ego likes. Those external validations, those approval seeking things. And for me, being courted by law firms and being good at my job, and I was really good at my job. All of that felt great in a sort of superficial, temporary, fleeting way.
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But when you don't have much of an internal anchor or a core sense of who you are and what you value and who you want to be, all of that stuff kind of gives you what you need, in a funny sort of way. So that was my life. And it, as I said, outwardly probably looked like I was doing okay. I was living in an apartment in the city and in many ways it was kind of aspirational looking. But inwardly I felt very, very empty. And I didn't like myself very much. I wasn't proud of who I was. And I felt a lot of shame often about how I would act.
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And I felt no sense of purpose, no sense of integrity, really. I couldn't say that I was proud of who I was or what I was doing with my life. Fast forward a little bit. And I was still in the same relationship. And it became increasingly clear to me that the way I was living my life was not sustainable. And I'm really grateful to my then self for having at least the self awareness or the willingness to look honestly at the way I was living and to acknowledge that I couldn't go on that way and that it wasn't enough for me. When I looked at people who I worked with, who were senior to me, who were 15 years ahead of me in their career trajectory, the sense of dread that I felt at my life being that in 510 or 15 years was overwhelming. And I had this really deep knowing of, if I don't make a change, if I just continue to do this, the easy thing, then I'm going to be really, really regretful later in my life.
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I'm going to be really, really disappointed in myself for not going after more, for going after something that actually allowed me to feel integrated and whole and peaceful. And it might sound a little bit funny to you, hearing all of that and me describing that as the easy thing, but in many ways it was. Even though on a day to day basis it wasn't easy. I was working ridiculous hours, I wasn't very healthy, I wasn't sleeping very much, I wasn't in a good relationship. And so while all of that kind of sounds hard, and in some ways it was, it didn't take any courage. Right?
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It was easy in the sense that it was familiar, and I could just do all of that on autopilot without challenging myself, without looking at the things that needed to be looked at within my own being. And so it was easy. It was a cop out, to be honest. It was definitely not doing anything courageous or challenging or expansive, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. And so it kind of reached a breaking point where I started to think about all of that really seriously. And I decided that I had to make a change. And it was then that I decided if I were to do anything, what would it be? And I've always, always loved learning myself personally about relationships and understanding people. And I think I've always had a natural kind of gift or inclination towards that.
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When I was first finishing high school and choosing what to study, it was always a toss up between law and psychology. And I don't know if this will be relevant to anyone outside of Australia, but there's a weird sort of trope where if you get the grades in your end of high school exams, then there's this pressure to make the most of them. And law required a very, very high grade, and I got the score for it. And so it was almost this thing of not wanting to waste my academic results on something that had a lower entrance bar. And so I did law instead of psychology. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Maybe I should have gone straight into psychology, although I don't know that I'd be where I am today had I not walked the path that I walked. So I don't really have any regrets there.
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But anyway, I'd always had a really keen interest in that and I had studied it for a couple of years in high school as well. And so when I started to think about, okay, if it's not going to be what I'm doing, if I'm going to have some big career change, what's it going to be? And I decided that I wanted to teach people about relationships and help people with that. And I think, as is the case if you speak to coaches and therapists, so many people go into this work from some deeper yearning to understand themselves and to find some resolution of their own wounding, and there was definitely a layer of that for me. But I was so deeply fascinated by this work and ravenously consuming so much of it on a personal level, particularly owing to the relationship that I was in at the time, which was very challenging. And so even though it didn't really make much sense, and even though my ego was really scared and wanted me to stay on that very predictable, well worn path, that was a guarantee of success in a conventional sense, I made the decision to leave, to quit my job and to start from scratch. I enrolled in a coaching certification and I threw myself into learning everything that I could about relationships, about coaching as a methodology, about the nervous system, about sexuality and so many other things that kind of branch off all of that, and it was kind of terrifying, but it was also very thrilling. And I felt this deep sense of alignment and rightness for the first time in my life, well, certainly for the first time in many years at that point, and it didn't make sense to a lot of people. A lot of people thought that it was kind of rogue of me, and I suppose it maybe was that it was very unconventional, that it was very risky.
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I had a lot of people around me projecting their own fears and insecurities onto me of what if it doesn't work, and how will you know what to do? And how will you make money? How will you find clients? All of these things? And I didn't really have the answer to that, to be honest. I just had this sense of trust that I was going to figure it out and that it was going to be okay. And that wasn't a trust or an expectation that it was going to be easy, that it was going to be seamless or that it was going to be linear. But I did have this sense of rightness about it that allowed me to, I suppose, drown out a lot of that stuff that I was getting from people around me and just keep putting 1ft in front of the other. And so that's what I did. And it wasn't easy, but it was really thrilling. It was exhilarating. And even in those very early days, I felt this sense of total gratitude towards myself that I was taking steps in the direction of a life that I could be proud of.
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And not long after that, I also ended the relationship that I was in at the time. And I think a part of me knew that those things would probably go hand in hand, and that I kind of just needed maybe the confidence boost or needed to work on myself for a bit in order that I would be ready to leave that relationship, even though I knew deep down that I needed to and that that had to happen. And fast forward. I say fast forward as if that all happened very quickly and easily. But fast forward to now. And I've built this incredible business helping people all over the world by sharing my own story, my own insights, the things that I've learned, having taught and worked with thousands of people through coaching, through my online programmes. So many really beautiful things have happened since making that decision in the direction of the life that I wanted, through choosing courage rather than the comfortable or easy thing, and really deciding that I wanted to close the gap between my values and the way I was living. Because that gap was pretty big for a while there and it didn't feel good.
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It felt really, really deeply uncomfortable. And I felt so much shame and lack of self respect in a way that was very, very uninspiring and heavy and really dragged me down. And so I suppose I share all of that a to give you a bit more of a background to my story, in case you weren't familiar, but also maybe to inspire, because it's not about telling everyone that you need to go and quit your job, but I think for those of you, and you'll know if you're hearing this, I think you'll know if I'm talking to you. I think for those of us who feel that pull, feel that little nudge from within, that whisper saying, there's more, right? There has to be more. If life feels uninspiring or small, or like there's something big tugging at you and calling you forward, I think to ignore that voice and to keep ourselves cloistered or imprisoned by fear or convention or expectation, whether ours or someone else's, there is no grief greater than that. To silence that voice within that's telling us to be bold, to be creative, to take risks, to build a life that we're really proud of. And so if you're listening to this and that is you, and you know that there's something. You know that you're on the brink of change and you're standing at a fork in the road, and there's the easy, low risk, comfortable, familiar thing, and then there's the scary thing that excites you and that feels expansive and inspiring, and that your whole being lights up just to think about it, just know that you will very, very rarely, if ever, regret doing the courageous thing.
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And I deeply believe that to be true. Because even if it doesn't work out as you planned, even if there are bumps in the road and setbacks, and there will be. There will be setbacks, you will fall off the horse. But the sense of inner peace, alignment, unity, freedom that you get from backing yourself and from trusting yourself and from honouring what is true for you, your desires, your yearnings, that is something that is so precious. And so I really do think that it's very, very hard to regret making a choice that is based on that, based on your values, based on your deep yearnings and desires, based on what you feel is deeply true for you. So I hope that this has given you something to reflect on and think about as we close out 2023 and we turn over a new leaf, turn over a new page and enter 2024 with all of its possibilities and unknowns. Just know that it's what you make it and it is a blank page. And that's not to say that you need to overhaul your life in order to be good or doing the right thing, or valuable or worthy, or any of that.
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But as I said, for those of you who know that this message is for you, I really, really encourage you to go for it, whatever that looks like for you. Maybe it's leaving a job, maybe it's taking a job, maybe it's leaving a relationship. Maybe it's starting a relationship, maybe it's starting therapy. Maybe it's joining a gym, maybe it's committing to getting strong, moving your body, or changing your habits. All of these things that you know are waiting for you. And you know that the life that you desire is on the other side of those commitments and those choices and those steps. Take the steps. Give that gift to yourself.
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When you know that your agency and your self discipline and your showing up is the only thing really standing in the way of you and the future self that you really want to become. Please do yourself the honour. Give yourself the gift of being brave and being courageous, of no longer hiding, no longer playing small, no longer saying that you can't, no longer having a lack of faith in yourself because it's in your hands. 2024 is just around the corner. So really think about that and get intentional about what you want to create this year and how very different your life could look a year from now. So I'm sending you so much love on this, the 31 December, and so much gratitude again for your support of the podcast and my work this past year and more broadly. It is in large part thanks to you that I feel so very overjoyed and grateful and proud of the life and the work that I find myself surrounded by. So thank you for your part in contributing to that sense of pride and satisfaction that I'm able to feel into as I look around and take stock.
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I'm wishing you the most beautiful, safe, peaceful, restorative new year, and I look forward to seeing you on the other side. Thanks guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, courage, self-reflection, intentions, fear, challenge, gratitude, personal growth, career change, coaching, therapy, psychology, values, alignment, change, transformation, self-discipline, agency, intentional living, new year, self-awareness, inspiration, self-respect, self-worth, agency, restorative, achievement, pride, satisfaction.