If you’ve ever struggled with anxious attachment, you probably know how exhausting it can feel. The constant overthinking, the hypervigilance around a partner’s behavior, the urge to fix things immediately when something feels off—it can feel like your nervous system is always on high alert. The truth is that healing anxious attachment is possible—but it helps enormously to understand what the path actually looks like. When you know where you’re going and why, the process becomes much more grounded and manageable. Here’s a clear roadmap for what that journey often involves.
In this post, I want to unpack how anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process breakups differently — and most importantly, why comparing your grief to your ex’s is one of the fastest ways to deepen your suffering. Because yes, anxious and avoidant people often cope very differently. And no, that difference doesn’t mean what you think it means.
If you’ve spent any time in the world of personal growth or relationships lately, you’ve probably heard people talking about attachment theory. It’s everywhere — on social media, in therapy rooms, in dating conversations — and for good reason. It’s an incredibly helpful framework for understanding ourselves and the ways we show up in relationships. But with its growing popularity, attachment theory also gets misused, oversimplified, and sometimes treated as the only explanation for why we are the way we are. So today, I want to take it back to basics and talk about what attachment theory is actually designed to do — and just as importantly, what it isn’t.
Situationships have become an unfortunate hallmark of modern dating. They live in that murky middle ground — more than casual, but not quite a relationship. You might spend time together regularly. You might feel emotionally invested. It might even look like a relationship from the outside. But it never quite crosses the threshold into clarity, commitment, or mutual intention. And if you’ve ever found yourself stuck in one — or stuck in a pattern of them — you’ll know just how confusing, draining, and anxiety-provoking they can be. So let’s talk about how to end situationships once and for all — not just the one you might be in right now, but the cycle itself.
One of the most painful stories we can get stuck in after a relationship ends is this one: “If they really loved me, they would have changed.” This episode was prompted by a question I received on Instagram from someone who couldn’t stop replaying that exact thought about their ex. And if you’ve ever found yourself spiralling around why wouldn’t they change for me?, you’re far from alone. It’s a deeply convincing story — but it’s also one that quietly keeps us stuck in self-blame, unworthiness, and patterns of self-abandonment. Let’s unpack what’s really going on beneath it.
For many people who struggle with insecure attachment patterns, one of the hardest things isn’t just being in relationships—it’s knowing what a secure one is actually supposed to look and feel like. So in this post, I want to walk you through five key hallmarks of a secure relationship. This isn’t an exhaustive list—but these are qualities that consistently show up in relationships that feel steady, nourishing, and safe.
For people with anxious attachment patterns in particular, breakups can feel excruciating. Letting go of someone you love goes against everything your nervous system is wired to do. Your whole system screams hold on tighter, don’t let go, fix this at all costs. So today, I want to walk you through five common ways people unknowingly keep themselves stuck after a breakup—and what to do instead—so you can use this moment as a turning point rather than a repeat of old patterns.
Few questions feel heavier than “Should I stay, or should I go?” If you’re sitting with uncertainty about your relationship—wondering whether to keep trying or to walk away—I want to start by acknowledging how complex and emotionally loaded that position can be. Especially when there are shared histories, homes, finances, or children involved, this decision can feel impossibly layered and conflicted. There is no universal right answer here. And no one else can make this call for you. What can help, though, is slowing things down and creating space for honest reflection—so your decision comes from clarity and integrity, not fear, panic, or obligation. Below are 10 questions designed to support that process.
Let’s start with a collective exhale. If you’ve ever woken up after a night out, checked your phone, and felt that full-body cringe when you realised you drunk texted your ex—please know this: you are human. You are not broken, weak, or uniquely embarrassing. You’re also very much not alone. This is one of those experiences that feels intensely personal and shame-inducing, yet is incredibly common—especially after a breakup, when emotions are still raw and self-control can be fragile. So let’s talk about what to do after the drunk text—without spiralling into shame.
Anxious–avoidant relationships get a bad reputation. Yes—anxious–avoidant pairings can be chaotic, painful, and deeply triggering. I’ve lived that reality. But I’ve also built a beautiful, secure relationship with my partner, despite my history of anxious attachment and his history of fearful avoidance. We’ve had all the classic friction points, and we’ve had to work for what we have. So no, I don’t think these relationships are doomed—but I am very honest about what they require. And it’s not easy. If an anxious–avoidant relationship is going to go the distance—and become a container for healing rather than harm—there are three essential, non-negotiable ingredients.
This question comes up far more often than you might think, and understandably so. Infidelity cuts deep, and when it happens in the context of fearful-avoidant attachment, it can feel especially confusing and destabilising. In this first Ask Steph episode, I want to offer some grounded reflections on what actually matters when you’re trying to discern whether change is possible—not just in theory, but in reality. Because while I genuinely believe that most people are capable of change, a far more important question is this: Is this person likely to change?
Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things anyone can do. But if you have anxious attachment patterns, it can feel almost unbearable. That’s why this question — How do I let go of someone I still love? — is one of the most common things I support people with. If you’re in that place right now, please know this: you’re not weak, broken, or failing. You’re responding exactly as your attachment system has learned to respond. And still… letting go may be what your healing is calling you toward.
As we approach the beginning of a new year, many of us find ourselves sitting in a strange in-between space. There’s reflection on what’s been, anticipation of what could be, and often a quiet (or not so quiet) awareness that something needs to change. New Year’s energy can be complicated. On one hand, it can feel arbitrary or pressure-filled — as though the calendar flips and we’re suddenly meant to reinvent ourselves overnight. On the other hand, when approached with intention rather than shame, this time of year can offer a powerful pause point. A moment to reflect, clarify, and decide how we want to move forward. If you’re on the cusp of change — or have been circling the same decision for a long time — here are three hard truths about changing your life that may help orient you toward courage, self-trust, and forward motion.
Rejection is something most of us instinctively avoid. It can stir up fear, shame, embarrassment, and deep discomfort—and on a very human level, that makes sense. We’re wired to seek connection and belonging, so being rejected can feel threatening to our sense of safety and worth. But for many people, especially those with anxious attachment patterns, the fear of rejection goes far beyond a normal aversion. It becomes a guiding force—quietly shaping decisions, behaviors, and relationships in ways that actually block the very things we want most: love, connection, intimacy, and fulfillment. This is the cruel irony of rejection fear. In trying so hard to avoid it, we often guarantee the outcome we’re most afraid of.
If you’ve ever found yourself drawn—almost magnetically—to partners who are inconsistent, hot-and-cold, evasive, or allergic to emotional intimacy, you’re far from alone. So many people find themselves repeatedly entering relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, even though those dynamics leave them feeling anxious, activated, and constantly questioning where they stand. And yet, as much as we can intellectually insist I don’t want this, some deeper part of us continues choosing it. Let’s dig into five major reasons you may be repeating this cycle.
Self-compassion is the often-ignored, often-resisted missing piece in our healing. Whether you struggle with anxious attachment, people-pleasing, perfectionism, overfunctioning, or that familiar internal voice whispering just do better, this one’s for you. So many of us try to “fix” ourselves through pressure, shame, or self-criticism, believing that being hard on ourselves will finally create the change we want. But real transformation doesn’t come from pushing—it comes from learning to relate to ourselves with curiosity, care, and inner safety. In this post, we explore how self-compassion becomes the foundation for building secure attachment, breaking old patterns, and creating the kind of steady inner relationship every healing journey truly needs.
If you’re in the thick of anxious attachment right now, it can feel completely overwhelming. You might be stuck in a relationship you know isn’t good for you. You might feel like you’re constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. You might wonder if this is just “how you are” and if you’re destined to feel this way forever. I want you to know: I have been exactly where you are. You might look at my life now and think I’m miles away from your reality. But it really wasn’t that long ago that my life looked entirely different — and my anxious attachment was running the show. This is the story of how I went from living in a constant state of dread and self-abandonment… to building self-worth, leaving a deeply unhealthy relationship, and creating the life and relationship I have now. My hope is that in my story, you can glimpse what’s possible for you too.
If you’re in a relationship with… well, any human being, you already know this: Conflict is inevitable. It doesn’t matter how aligned, in love, or “on the same page” you are — sooner or later, you will bump up against each other’s edges. Needs will go unmet, feelings will get hurt, and misunderstandings will happen. In this episode of On Attachment, I’m joined again by my dear friend and colleague, relationship coach and author James “Fish” Gill. Fish’s work is all about conscious communication and finding our way back to connection — particularly in those tender, messy, “we’re not at our best right now” moments that relationships inevitably bring. Let’s dig into some of the big themes from our conversation.
Becoming a parent is one of the biggest relational transitions most of us will ever face. And while the world loves to tell us how overwhelming, chaotic, and identity-shattering it should be, the truth is that everyone’s experience is deeply personal—and deeply shaped by their attachment patterns. Recently, on the podcast, Joel and I shared our own journey into parenthood—how we felt before having a baby, what surprised us, what challenged us, and how we’ve stayed connected along the way. Afterward, I received countless messages from people saying: “Please talk more about this.” So, let’s.
If you’ve ever found yourself obsessing over what others think of you, replaying conversations in your head, or changing parts of yourself to win approval—you’re far from alone. Most of us have, at one point or another, handed over our sense of self-worth to the opinions of others. So how do you begin to loosen that grip—to care less about what others think, without swinging to the extreme of not caring at all? Let’s explore.
There’s no denying it—breakups are hard. They shake our sense of safety, bring up old wounds, and leave us questioning what’s next. But after a period of healing, reflection, and rebuilding, many people find themselves asking: When will I be ready to date again? We’ll explore signs that you may not be ready just yet, signs that you might be, and how to approach dating again with clarity, self-respect, and emotional grounding.
If you’ve ever found yourself endlessly replaying conversations after a breakup, searching for the missing piece that will make it all make sense—you’re not alone. Closure is one of the most sought-after (and misunderstood) parts of healing from a relationship. It’s also one of the hardest things to actually get from someone else. Let’s talk about why that is, and how you can start finding closure from within instead.