In today's episode, we're talking about retroactive jealousy — being an excessive preoccupation with a partner's romantic and/or sexual history, and feelings of intense insecurity and comparison as a result. This is a really common experience (one I used to struggle with myself!), particularly among those with anxious attachment patterns who already experience a hypervigilance to perceived relational threats coupled with low self-esteem and a fear of abandonment.
We'll talk about how retroactive jealousy is often a branch off the "unworthiness" tree, and why starting there — with tending to our low self-worth — is often the fix.
This week's Ask Steph question comes from a 77 year old listener who recently reconnected with a man she loved 45 years ago, following the passing of her husband of 40 years. He was the one who got away, and their reunion felt like everything she'd hoped for... until he suddenly started pulling back without explanation.
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the listener question of "How do I navigate being triggered by my partner's moodiness and irritability?" This is such a common pain point for folks with anxious attachment patterns. I share some context as to why moodiness is so activating for the anxious nervous system, as well as my advice on how to best respond in the moment when your partner is being moody.
Choosing who you're going to commit to is a life-altering decision — so it's little wonder so many of us feel the weight of that pressure, and experience doubt around whether we're making the "right" decision.
And while no one but you can ultimately make that call, in today's episode I'm sharing some guidance on the qualities and attributes that I find essential to making long-term relationships work.
Learning to repair after conflict or ruptures is one of the most valuable relationship skills you'll ever have. But for many of us, meaningful repair isn't something we ever really learned or had modelled. In this episode, we talk about three key components of repair, and how they can help us to transform conflict into deeper understanding, connection, and intimacy.
In today's episode, we're talking about why you struggle to "get over" your ex. This is something so many people struggle with when it comes to break-ups — feeling like the person who left us still occupies so much of our mental and emotional energy, and not knowing how to untether ourselves from them (or perhaps not fully wanting to).
I'll share some thoughts on managing expectations around a break-up, the difference between thoughts and actions, and how you can move through a challenging period with self-respect and dignity.
The good news? Conflict is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned.
Conflict is one of those inevitable parts of relationships that most of us never actually learn how to navigate well.
Depending on our attachment patterns, we often default to one of two extremes: we either avoid conflict altogether or rush in with urgency, trying to resolve it as quickly as possible. Neither approach typically leads to the connection we're looking for.
The good news? Conflict is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly bending, morphing, or minimising yourself in order to preserve connection in a relationship, you’re not alone.
For many of us—particularly those with anxious attachment patterns—self-abandonment is an all-too-familiar experience.
And while it’s easy to focus on the external dynamics of our relationships, the truth is that so much of what plays out between us and others begins in the relationship we have with ourselves.
When we talk about fearful avoidant attachment, we’re often focused on the inner experience of the person with those patterns: the longing for closeness, the fear of intimacy, the push-pull, the overwhelm, the shame.
But what if you’re on the other side of that dynamic?
One of the hardest questions we can face in relationships isn't how to find love—it's how to know when it's time to let go of it.
Should I keep trying? Or is it time to walk away?
If you've ever found yourself stuck in that painful limbo, you're not alone.
Conflict is an inevitable part of any close relationship.
Yet for many people with anxious attachment patterns, conflict doesn't just feel uncomfortable—it feels threatening. A disagreement can quickly trigger fears of rejection, abandonment, or not being good enough, making it incredibly difficult to stay grounded and connected in the midst of tension.
This is the first article in a series exploring conflict through the lens of attachment theory. Today, we're focusing on the anxious attachment experience of conflict: why it feels so activating, the common patterns that emerge, and what it takes to create healthier ways of navigating disagreements.
#266: How to Move from Understanding Your Patterns to Actually Changing Them (Ask Steph)
Fearful avoidant attachment can feel like an exhausting internal tug-of-war: deeply wanting closeness, while also feeling threatened by it.
You might crave love, intimacy, and connection, but once a relationship starts to feel vulnerable or emotionally real, your system may panic. You might pull away, shut down, become reactive, or suddenly feel convinced that the relationship is unsafe.
Healing fearful avoidant patterns is possible, but it is rarely quick work. Because these patterns are often tied to deeply encoded threat responses around relationships, healing tends to happen gradually, through self-awareness, nervous system regulation, and new relational experiences over time.
In today’s episode, we’ll discuss the five places to begin.
In today's episode we're going to be talking about why it's so easy to fixate on someone who is unavailable to you in some way and how that can actually be more about us than it is about them.
For many anxiously attached people, sex isn't just about pleasure—it's reassurance that the relationship is safe. But when an avoidant partner begins to pull away sexually, it can trigger a spiral of fear, rejection, and pursuit.
In this episode, we unpack one of the most common—and least talked about—attachment dynamics in relationships: sex, intimacy, and the anxious-avoidant trap.
In today's episode, we are talking about how to communicate with a partner who is very defensive. Defensiveness is just one of those things that so many of us have a really hard time being on the other side of and it's really frustrating. Communicating with a defensive partner can feel lonely and exhausting at times. And it’s important to say clearly: compassion does not mean tolerating chronic emotional unavailability, stonewalling, or dismissiveness forever.
In this episode, I’m diving into how fearful avoidant attachment actually plays out in relationships — from the intense connection and chemistry at the beginning, to the push-pull dynamic that can emerge once intimacy starts to feel threatening. We explore why fearful avoidant people can appear anxious in some relationships and avoidant in others, the role of shame and self-protection, and why these patterns can feel so confusing and painful for everyone involved. If you’ve ever experienced emotional whiplash in relationships, this episode will help make sense of the deeper attachment dynamics at play.
Fearful avoidant attachment, sometimes called disorganised attachment, is one of the more complex and often misunderstood attachment patterns.
While it’s thought to represent a relatively small percentage of the population, many people deeply resonate with this pattern—either because they recognise it in themselves, or because they’re in relationship with someone who has fearful avoidant tendencies.
At its core, fearful avoidant attachment is marked by a painful inner conflict: a deep longing for closeness alongside a deep fear of it.
There is often a powerful push-pull dynamic at play. The attachment system says, “I need connection. I want to be close.” But the survival system says, “Closeness isn’t safe. I need to protect myself.”
That internal contradiction can create a lot of confusion, both for the person experiencing it and for the people who love them.
We might call ourselves “a bit perfectionistic,” or say we just have high standards. And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to do things well or striving for excellence, perfectionism tends to run much deeper than that.
Nervous system regulation doesn’t have to become another overwhelming checklist. In this episode, I share a more human, low-lift approach to caring for your wellbeing—one rooted in protecting your energy, simplifying life where possible, and treating yourself as a precious resource. We explore why regulation is often less about doing more, and more about choosing ease, nourishment, and small everyday habits that help you feel resourced.