#223: What It Really Takes to Make an Anxious–Avoidant Relationship Work
Anxious–avoidant relationships get a bad reputation.
If you’ve spent any time in attachment spaces, you’ve probably heard some version of: “Just don’t do it.”
“Find a secure partner.”
“These dynamics are doomed.”
I don’t actually believe that’s the full story.
Yes—anxious–avoidant pairings can be chaotic, painful, and deeply triggering. I’ve lived that reality. But I’ve also built a beautiful, secure relationship with my partner, despite my history of anxious attachment and his history of fearful avoidance. We’ve had all the classic friction points, and we’ve had to work for what we have.
So no, I don’t think these relationships are doomed—but I am very honest about what they require. And it’s not easy.
If an anxious–avoidant relationship is going to go the distance—and become a container for healing rather than harm—there are three essential, non-negotiable ingredients.
1. Commitment (Real Commitment)
This doesn’t mean marriage, engagement, or long-term plans necessarily. What it does mean is both feet in.
There has to be a shared sense that:
We are committed to each other
We are committed to this relationship
And we are committed to doing the work
Without that, the relationship becomes fundamentally unsafe.
If every disagreement carries the implicit threat of a breakup—“Is this the fight that ends us?”—the anxious partner will start self-abandoning to keep the peace, and the avoidant partner will have an easy exit whenever things feel hard.
That dynamic makes real growth impossible.
One of the most important boundaries in any relationship—but especially anxious–avoidant ones—is this:
Breaking up is not something you talk about unless you mean it.
Threatening to leave should never be used as:
A way to express hurt
A way to gain leverage
A way to create distance
Or a way to regulate overwhelm
Both anxious and avoidant partners can fall into this pattern for different reasons, but it reliably erodes safety every time.
Commitment creates containment. And containment is what allows you to:
Take emotional risks
Have rupture without catastrophe
Trust that repair will follow conflict
Without that sturdiness, the relationship stays too wobbly to do the deeper healing work.
2. Humility
This one is hard for all of us—especially when we’re activated.
Under stress, it’s very easy to believe that the other person is the problem:
If they were different, this would work.
Why can’t they just do this one thing?
I’m trying so hard—why aren’t they?
That sense of righteousness can feel incredibly convincing. And it will keep you stuck.
Making an anxious–avoidant relationship work requires the humility to say:
I am part of this dynamic.
My coping strategies have shadow sides.
I don’t have a monopoly on the “right” way to do relationships.
Even people-pleasing, over-giving, self-sacrifice, and endless generosity—often framed as being “loving”—carry unconscious control, resentment, or self-abandonment. That doesn’t make you bad. It just means there’s more to clean up.
Humility looks like:
Owning your contribution without defensiveness
Being willing to be wrong
Listening to understand, not to convince
Accepting that compromise is inevitable
The moment we stop trying to win and start trying to understand, things begin to soften. That doesn’t mean dropping boundaries or tolerating harm—it means staying curious instead of entrenched.
3. Capacity
This is the piece that often gets missed—and it’s crucial.
You can have commitment. You can have humility. But if one or both partners lack capacity, the relationship still won’t be workable.
Capacity includes:
Nervous system regulation
Emotional resilience
Relational and communication skills
If someone becomes completely dysregulated when triggered—shutting down, disappearing, raging, or exploding—and doesn’t yet have the ability to choose a different response, that’s a capacity issue.
Capacity isn’t fixed. It can grow.
But there needs to be enough capacity to do the work required to build more capacity.
So important questions to ask are:
Can we have difficult conversations without everything falling apart?
Can we stay present through conflict?
Does this relationship feel like a safe container for growth?
Do we each have the tools—or at least access to the tools—to become more secure?
If one or both partners are at the very beginning of their healing journey, the anxious–avoidant dynamic may simply be too activating right now. Love and commitment alone can’t compensate for a lack of nervous system or relational capacity.
A Grounded Hope
I’m not pessimistic about anxious–avoidant relationships. I’ve seen many of them transform into deeply secure, connected partnerships.
But I’m also discerning.
Sometimes, the truth is that a person—or a relationship—doesn’t yet have the capacity required. And it’s not meant to be that hard all the time. We don’t need to turn every relationship into a complex puzzle when the answer is often simpler than we want it to be.
When commitment, humility, and capacity are present, anxious–avoidant relationships can become an incredible gift—calling both partners out of their extremes and into something more secure, grounded, and free.
But that only happens when there is enough safety and containment to support the work.
Sending you lots of love.
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[00:00:00]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about what it actually takes to make an anxious, avoidant relationship dynamic work. Now, if you've been around here a while, you would know that I am not someone who thinks that all anxious avoidant pairings are doomed. I know that some people teach that and say, just steer clear of each other, save yourself the pain, go find a secure partner. I don't think that that reflects reality and I also don't think that it has to be true. I think that certainly anxious avoidant pairings can be chaotic and dysfunctional, and I have certainly lived a version of that. But I've also been able to build a really beautiful relationship with my partner, Joel.
[00:00:43]:
Notwithstanding that I have historically been more anxious and he has historically been more fearful avoidant. And certainly in our relationship, there have been those friction or tension points of anxious avoidant dynamics that so many people will relate to and that I've spoken about here many times. So I am not someone who thinks that it's doomed, but I am also someone who is realistic and honest about what it takes and it's not easy. So in today's episode, I want to set out three essential ingredients or conditions that I would say are pretty non negotiable. If you are in an anxious avoidant relationship and you're wanting it to go the distance, you're wanting it to be a container in which you can grow and, and ultimately heal together and become more secure. Which I think is part of the gift of anxious avoidant relationships is that with enough safety, we can actually move away from our extremes and towards the centre, because the relationship can challenge us in those really powerful ways, because it is likely to touch into the very wounds that are deepest for us around relationships. I think that's both the blessing and the curse of these dynamics. You know, if they're not handled with care, then it can just be reinforcing of those wounds.
[00:02:02]:
We can gather more evidence in support of the storeys, but with enough safety, we can actually start to change those storeys and heal them and move towards a more secure way of being in relationships, which is kind of the point. It's what we're all working towards. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. And I'm hopeful that irrespective of whether you're currently in a relationship, that you'll find some gems in today's episode and things to really anchor your thinking around what it takes to build a healthy relationship. Okay. And just before we get into that, a reminder that I have a whole host of free resources on my website, stephanyrigg.com that you can cheque out, particularly for folks with anxious attachment, which is the bulk of my audience. There's so many resources there that are free downloads. I have a free training around how to heal Anxious Attachment and Anxious Attachment starter kit.
[00:02:53]:
I have anxious attachment pep talks, which are little pep talks from me for those moments when you're spinning out of control. There's heaps of stuff there, so definitely go cheque it out. If you are new around here wanting to dip your toe a little deeper into my work, the free resources library on my website is a great place to start. Okay, so let's talk about what it really takes to make an anxious, avoidant relationship work. The first piece is commitment. Now this doesn't have to mean that you get engaged or that you are married or anything like that, but there needs to be a fundamental sense of both feet in. And the reason for that is that in the absence of a sense of commitment, meaning we are both committed to the relationship, to each other, and to doing this work together, is there will be this insecurity that comes from the flightiness. And I think many of you will have experienced what that does to a relationship.
[00:03:46]:
If it feels like every time you have a fight, it casts this shadow, this existential threat over are we going to break up? Is every fight going to be the last fight or the one that leads the whole relationship to unravel? And that will very effectively and reliably undermine the safety of the relationship and it will prevent you from doing any meaningful work towards really growing together. Because for the anxious person, that will mean that you will back down from voicing concerns or expressing needs or setting boundaries because you're so scared of losing them. If it feels like every fight could be the last fight, then that leads you into really unhelpful patterns of self abandonment. And on the avoidance side, if there's that sense sense of flightiness and uncertainty, it just makes it too easy an exit for you. And it makes it really easy for you to justify, well, this isn't the right relationship. I'm not that invested. It shouldn't feel this hard. So there does need to be a choice around.
[00:04:46]:
We are both in this and we're not looking for exits. We're not having one foot out the door. We're not threatening to break up every time we have an argument. We're not saying things like maybe this is just too hard. I Think it should be a really important rule in all relationships, frankly, but particularly in anxious avoidant dynamics, that you do not talk about breaking up unless you are dead serious. And that is the absolute last resort. It's not something that you throw around casually as ammunition in a fight. It's not something that you use to try and get someone's attention or engagement.
[00:05:17]:
And as a side note, both anxious and avoidant people can be guilty of using that as a bargaining chip. I think anxious folks use it as a way to convey the seriousness and the gravity of how hurt they are or how important the issue feels. And avoidant people can use it as a way to kind of create distance or to take the heat out of a fight by saying, well, maybe it's just too hard or maybe I just can't do this when it feels too overwhelming. That can be like their back door or their release valve. Both of those are really unhelpful and should be a clear boundary for any relationship. So having a sense of commitment to each other, feeling like we're both in this, we're both committed to the relationship and we're both committed to doing the work that it takes that is going to provide a really strong foundation, a sense of sturdiness and containment, so that you then have the safety to take risks and to do the brave, courageous work of revealing yourselves to each other and being in relationship in the mess of all of that, because it can be messy and you need to be able to have rupture and know that you're going to circle back and repair afterwards and kind of mend whatever was broken. All of that requires a fundamental sense of commitment and staying power, because otherwise it's just too wobbly, it's too shaky, it's too uncertain and insecure and it's really, really hard to go deep enough to actually make it work to heal the wounds. It just lacks the fundamental safety required to do that deeper work to make it work.
[00:06:51]:
Okay? The second really important quality that both partners need to bring to the relationship in order to make it work as an anxious avoidant couple is hu this one, again, can be hard on both sides. I think we can all, when we're under stress, point to the other person as being the problem. And that feels so true, right? We are so convinced that if they were just different, then everything would be fine and it's not that hard. And why can't you just do this and all of that, right? We become so righteous in the storeys we tell ourselves about how other people should be and yet that is going to ensure that we remain entrenched in our defensive stances that actually keep us from the connection that we desire. And so a big part of our growth and our shedding of those old protective strategies and our growing into something that is more secure is the courage to be humble and to acknowledge that maybe we don't know what's best for everyone. And to acknowledge that actually, yes, I am part of the problem. Even if I would like to tell myself that the problem is over there with them and what they're doing and what they're not doing. And if they just to change, then everything would be fine because I'm the perfect partner.
[00:08:11]:
That is never the whole picture. And it takes two to tango. Even if your contribution to the pattern is people pleasing and over giving and self sacrifice and endless generosity and you tell yourself and tell them that you're just being so loving, there's still shadow in that. And we still have to own that we are part of whatever dynamic exists and that cleaning up our side of the street is our responsibility. And we have to be humble enough to acknowledge that we are part of the problem. And also to acknowledge that we are not the sole authority on what the right solution is or what the right way of being is. So having the courage and the humility to kind of put down our weapons, to be wrong, to make mistakes, to own our part and to be genuinely collaborative and open to solutions that maybe are a compromise, and that probably will be a compromise. All of that I think is really essential if we want to make it work.
[00:09:17]:
Because again, when we're under stress, when things feel hard, we tend to be very self centred, all of us. And it's hard to be humble when we're in that self centred defensive stance. So the courage to really acknowledge that maybe I wasn't in the right or maybe the thing that I did that I intended to land as loving, actually felt controlling to them. And maybe my job isn't to convince them why they're wrong, but to actually listen to them and try and understand their perspective and not jump to convince them of why they should see things my way, recognising that there are multiple realities at play there. And the sooner we can stop trying to be right and start trying to, to understand and be genuinely curious. I think that that will serve you very well in an anxious, avoidant dynamic and will probably be lifelong work for you as it is for me. But I think it's really essential if you want to make an anxious, avoidant dynamic work because the more that we try to convince the other person that our way is the right way, the more likely we are to stay stuck in those dynamics. Because those protective strategies are there for a reason and there's wisdom in them.
[00:10:28]:
And so they're not things that we're going to be able to just spontaneously drop. Told us that we should. Okay. And the third and final ingredient or condition is capacity. Now this is a big one. I've spoken about this before on the podcast. I think capacity encompasses nervous system capacity and also relational skills. So you can have commitment, you can have humility, but if someone's nervous system is so sensitive and wired for threat that it actually just can't stay in intimacy when triggered.
[00:11:01]:
For example, if someone's nervous system is such that they absolutely shut down the moment that they get triggered and they storm out and they disappear, and that's just what they do, and they don't feel like they have the capacity to choose another way. Capacity isn't fixed. And of course it's something that can develop. But you need to decide, like, does this person, as they are today, have enough capacity to do the work to become more secure in this relationship? So while it's not a set in stone thing, we do need to have enough capacity to do the work to develop more, if that makes sense. So if someone is so shut down or they have so much childhood trauma or other things that they might have self awareness, but when they get triggered, they absolutely lose it and they fly into a fit of rage or totally shut down and disappear or whatever else, then they may just lack the capacity required to be in a healthy relationship or a relationship that is a safe container to become more secure. Right. And you need to ask that both for yourself and for them. Can I feel safe here? Does this person and this relationship have the capacity to nurture me into a more secure version of myself? And do they have enough capacity to become a more secure version of themselves to actually do the work? Do we each have some skills such that we're able to have a productive conversation so that we can understand each other better? All of those things, if we just lack the tools, we lack the capacity, we lack the skills such that we can't even have a conversation, we can't have any conflict if it's just a total dumpster fire all the time, then that might be a capacity problem, despite the best of intentions.
[00:12:48]:
And I think really the point there is, if you're both at the absolute beginning of your journey, or one person even is at the very beginning of their journey, and their starting point is that they really struggle in relationships, then they might lack the capacity at this point in time to be in an anxious, avoidant dynamic that could ultimately be healthy because it will be activating, it will be triggering, and you need to be able to hold those triggers in a safe way so that you can actually transform them into growth. So I think that that's really something you need to be honest about, is like, do we each individually and jointly have the capacity to do the work to make this a secure relationship? And if one or both of us lacks that capacity, then as much as we might love each other, as much as we might want it to work and be committed to it, it might just not be possible based on where we're each at. Okay, so I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, for me, it's ultimately a picture of hope. I'm not someone who is pessimistic about anxious, avoidant relationships generally, but at the same time, I have a lot of students doing this work, and much of the time my advice will be that person just lacks capacity or the relationship just wasn't working. It's not meant to be that hard. So I think we do have to be discerning and not treat it like a very complex puzzle. Oftentimes it's simpler than we make it out to be.
[00:14:14]:
And really, those key ingredients of, like, are we both in this? Are we willing to do the work? Have we done a bit of work ourselves such that we have capacity to work through those tough things together, rather than everything falling apart at every bump in the road. Those are the things that are going to make it workable in the long term and that are going to allow you to really go deep together and actually be an incredible gift to each other, because you can kind of call each person from their extreme position into a more secure, centred, grounded place. So we kind of liberate each other from those extremes, but only when there is the safety and the containment there for us to. To be able to do that. So hope that's helpful. Sending you lots of love, and I look forward to seeing you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious avoidant relationship, attachment styles, relationship dynamics, commitment in relationships, safety in relationships, healing anxious attachment, secure attachment, relationship growth, relationship wounds, free resources, anxious attachment starter kit, pep talks, self abandonment, setting boundaries, relationship insecurity, flightiness in relationships, avoiding breakups, existential threat in relationships, relationship repair, humility in relationships, nervous system capacity, relational skills, conflict resolution, emotional triggers, childhood trauma, self-awareness, self-centred defensive stance, collaboration in relationships, compromise, transformative relationships, discernment in relationships