#211: The Hard Truth About Closure After a Break-up
If you’ve ever found yourself endlessly replaying conversations after a breakup, searching for the missing piece that will make it all make sense—you’re not alone. Closure is one of the most sought-after (and misunderstood) parts of healing from a relationship. It’s also one of the hardest things to actually get from someone else. Let’s talk about why that is, and how you can start finding closure from within instead.
If you’ve ever found yourself endlessly replaying conversations after a breakup, searching for the missing piece that will make it all make sense—you’re not alone.
Closure is one of the most sought-after (and misunderstood) parts of healing from a relationship. It’s also one of the hardest things to actually get from someone else.
Let’s talk about why that is, and how you can start finding closure from within instead.
Why We Crave Closure
When a relationship ends, especially one that felt significant or confusing, our brains crave answers. We want to know why. Why it ended. Why they changed. Why we didn’t see it coming.
It’s a deeply human response—especially if you have an anxious attachment style. People with anxious tendencies often find safety in understanding and certainty, and breakups throw us into the exact opposite: uncertainty and chaos.
So we search for meaning anywhere we can find it. We stalk their Instagram, reread old messages, talk to friends, analyze every word they ever said, and maybe even ask AI what it all means (no judgment!).
But here’s the truth: all that searching isn’t really about finding answers—it’s about trying to avoid the pain of grief.
When you’re sitting in heartbreak, not knowing feels unbearable. So you try to think your way out of feeling. The problem is, closure isn’t a thought problem—it’s a feeling problem. And thinking harder won’t get you out of it.
The Hard Truth About Closure
1. The People Who Leave You Wanting Closure Can’t Usually Give It
There’s an irony here. The ex who leaves you with the most confusion, unanswered questions, and emotional chaos is often the least capable of providing clarity afterward.
If they couldn’t communicate clearly, show up emotionally, or take accountability in the relationship, it’s unrealistic to expect they’ll suddenly be able to do so after it ends.
And while that’s painful, it’s also liberating—because it means you can stop waiting for them to fix what they broke. You can stop holding out for an explanation that may never come.
2. Sometimes “Needing Closure” Is Code for “I Don’t Want It to Be Over”
This one can sting.
When you say you want closure, ask yourself honestly: Do I actually want answers, or do I just want another reason to connect with them?
Sometimes the desire for closure hides a deeper wish—that they’ll finally understand, finally apologize, or even change their mind.
But real closure means accepting it’s over. And that acceptance often feels like loss before it feels like relief. So we delay it. We tell ourselves we “need closure” while secretly hoping we never get it—because that would mean it’s really done.
3. Even If You Got the Answers, They Might Not Help
Let’s imagine your ex did sit down and tell you everything. They explained their reasons, their feelings, their choices. Would that truly make it easier? Or would it open new wounds, new questions, new pain?
Often, the “closure conversation” we fantasize about doesn’t actually bring peace—it brings more confusion. Especially if your ex is avoidant, disconnected from their emotions, or simply unable to articulate what happened in a way that brings comfort.
True closure isn’t found in their words. It’s found in your willingness to stop waiting for them to give you peace.
What Real Closure Looks Like
Real closure is self-generated. It’s the moment you stop trying to make it make sense, and instead say, I may never understand this fully—but I can still choose to let go.
It’s choosing acceptance over answers.
It’s deciding to grieve instead of analyze.
It’s shifting from “Why did they do that?” to “How can I support myself through this?”
That’s what taking your power back looks like. You don’t need their explanation to move forward. You just need to decide that you deserve peace more than you deserve an explanation.
A Loving Reframe
Closure isn’t a gift someone gives you—it’s a boundary you give yourself.
It’s the act of saying, Even without all the answers, I choose to close this chapter.
You can honor your feelings and still choose to move forward. You can hold sadness and strength at the same time. You can stop waiting for someone else to end your pain and begin writing the next part of your story.
Because healing doesn’t come from a perfect ending—it comes from deciding that you’re ready for a new beginning.
If You’re in the Thick of It
If you’re struggling to let go or still looping on unanswered questions, I have a free training designed to help you move through breakups with more ease and clarity. It’s especially for those with anxious attachment patterns and will walk you through the three biggest shifts that help you heal and move forward.
You can sign up through the link in the show notes—it’s completely free.
And if you take away just one thing from today: You don’t have to wait for closure to start healing. You can give it to yourself today.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Foreign hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about closure after a breakup. So closure is one of those things that we can really easily fixate on and that makes a lot of sense if a breakup has ended in a way that has left us with a lot of unanswered questions and open loops and feeling like there are so many things we don't understand about what unfolded and why. And when we're in that state of uncertainty, it's really natural that we would seek answers and that we would seek them from the person who we assume is the best place to provide them, being our ex. But as we're going to talk about today, that can get us into a really sticky place where we are holding out for our ex to show up to some conversation in some way that's going to soothe the pain that we're in, that's going to close all the open loops. And I think that oftentimes our expectations, expectations or our hopes around getting that closure can keep us holding on for a really long time and in a way that is maybe not conducive to our healing.
[00:01:35]:
So in today's episode, I'm going to be talking about why it makes so much sense that you long for closure and that you might fixate on the need to get all of these questions answered. But I'm also going to be sharing some hard truths about closure and you know, why it's probably unlikely that you're going to get closure from your ex and in the form that you're hoping, and how you might reframe closure for yourself so that it's something that you can choose through acceptance rather than waiting around for from someone else. And ultimately that I think is in service of your processing of a breakup, your grieving and ultimately your peace and acceptance, which I think is what we all need, even if it's not what we want. We'll also talk about the ways in which you might, whether you realise it or not, be holding onto this need for closure as a way to keep the door open, and that maybe there's a part of you that says you need closure but doesn't actually want that closure because the lack of closure feels Like a tether to your ex that you're not quite ready to let go of. So we're going to be talking about all of that today, and I'm hoping that if you're going through a breakup, or maybe you went through a breakup a really long time ago and you still don't have closure and it still haunts you that what I'm going to share in today's episode will give you a new perspective that might move you towards more peace and healing. Before we get into today's discussion about closure, I did want to remind. Remind you that I have a free training all about breakups. So if you're in it at the moment, or as I said, if you have been through a breakup maybe six months ago, maybe longer, but you still feel like there's a lot of residue there that you maybe haven't worked through, I'd really encourage you to check out this free training.
[00:03:16]:
It's primarily focused on anxious attachment as far as breakups are concerned, and looking at some common pitfalls that anxious attachers can get into in a breakup and the three shifts that will help you to get unstuck and really move through a breakup in a way that not only facilitates your healing, but really allows you to use a breakup as fuel for your evolution and to springboard you into a new chapter of your life. Really seeing a breakup as a turning point rather than something that just sends you spiralling downwards. So if that sounds like something that would be supportive for you, I really encourage you to check it out. And the link to register for that is in the show notes. And just to be clear, that is a totally free training. So really nothing to lose by signing up for that one. Okay, so let's talk about closure. Now, as I've spoken about so many times before on the show, we know that breakups are really hard for everyone and that they're particularly hard for people with anxious attachment patterns.
[00:04:19]:
Because we derive so much safety and security from a relationship, even a dysfunctional one, right? Even one that was really unhealthy. And as a relationship is maybe nearing the end, when it's on its last legs, there's every chance that you were dialling up your efforts to hold it all together, that you were trying so hard to be seen to be understood, to solve the problems, to put out the fires. And so for it to end in spite of those efforts is very painful and can bring up a lot of really difficult feelings and stories. Not only the grief of losing someone, but feelings of failure and inadequacy stories of how could they give up so easily? Why would they give up on me? It feels so personal. And of course it does, right? Because breakups involve the loss of an attachment figure and that is deeply destabilising to our system. So it makes sense that if you've been through a breakup and really any breakup, that you'd be feeling a lot of those feelings now. What can make it more challenging is when a breakup ends in circumstances that leave you feeling very confused, maybe blindsided, whether you didn't see it coming, it felt very sudden, or there just wasn't adequate conversation around it, such that you feel like you have a lot of question marks, a lot of loose threads, a lot of open loops. For someone with anxious attachment patterns who derives so much safety from certainty and information, having that many unknowns around, this deep pain that you're in, can really greatly exacerbate your suffering.
[00:05:57]:
And if you already felt like you were treading water just by virtue of the breakup itself, having all of those unanswered questions can send you into a bit of a frenzy. And I think what can often happen there is that anxiously attached people will try and solve the pain by going into full blown rumination mode. So obsessing over what they're doing and almost trying to single handedly solve the puzzle or find the answers by stalking their Instagram and maybe going back through all of your messages or talking to ChatGPT or watching a million videos online to try and decip and decode them. And all of that points to the fact that we're maybe trying to avoid the bigness of the grief that we're feeling and that we're maybe pushing against reality. We're in denial of the reality we find ourselves in and so we're trying to make it all make sense. I think another piece that can drive that kind of behaviour is that because our baseline tendency is to internalise and take things very personally. So the story of how could they give up on me so easily? They must not have loved me, they must not have cared. That's a very common interpretation for anxiously attached people.
[00:07:15]:
It's almost like if we can solve their behaviour by gathering all of this information and watching all these videos and trying to decode them, then maybe we'll find a less painful interpretation of what happened and that might lessen the pain that we're in and the hurt that we're carrying around it. So I share all of that to contextualise what might be going on for you and to validate why that's so normal. If you're going through that and wondering if it's just you who does that, I can guarantee you that you are far from alone. Because pretty much everyone I've ever worked with who's gone through a breakup has been in that very same place. But also to maybe paint the picture of how that's not what you need, even though it's what you might reach for by default when you're in that place. And pointing out that oftentimes our anxiety does launch us into this mode of trying to think our way out, of feeling. And I think that's true a lot of the time. And again makes sense when we look at the fact that for a lot of anxiously attached people, holding ourselves through big emotions is really, really hard.
[00:08:20]:
And we are so accustomed to reaching for someone or something outside of ourselves to make that feel more tolerable. And so when we don't have that in the form of our partner who may be the person we ordinarily go to when we're feeling that way for reassurance or soothing, it makes sen that we're just grasping at whatever other tools we have in the toolbox to try and make that feel more okay or less acute. With all of that being said, I do think we really need to acknowledge that there are some hard truths that we need to reckon with when it comes to closure. And the first one, which you might have heard me share before, is that the great irony about closure is that the relationships and the people who leave us most yearning for closure are also the people who are least likely to be willing or able to give us that closure. And what do I mean by that? Well, simply that if a relationship ends in circumstances that are deeply confusing, that feel like it was just one big shit show of conflict and unfinished conversations and a lot of emotional turmoil and disarray, such that you are standing there in amongst the rubble, not knowing what the hell just happened and understandably wanting some explanation that makes it all make sense. What makes you think that the person who left you in those circumstances is suddenly going to have the capacity to show up and give you some cogent and satisfactory explanation for why they did what they did or what they were feeling or what drove them to act in that way? I think that that's a really unrealistic expectation. And we have to acknowledge that if someone was unwilling or unable to show up in that way while we were in a relationship with them, that it's pretty unlikely that they're going to show up in the way we want them to. After the relationship has ended, they're unlikely to have magically developed that capacity.
[00:10:10]:
And their willingness is likely less than it was when they were in the relationship because they no longer have that obligation. If they were in such a state of overwhelm and shutdown that they behaved in a way that was really confusing and felt really unfair. I don't think that we should be putting all of our eggs in the basket of waiting for them to suddenly show up and make themselves available for a con that's going to close all of the loops and bring us emotional relief. So I think we do have to look at reality as it is rather than as we wish it were, and acknowledge that if the relationship was so dysfunctional, so unhealthy, or just ended in a way that really didn't make sense, then that probably speaks to the capacity of the person we were in a relationship with. And that's something we need to find some acceptance around rather than being in denial about. Now, the next hard truth about closure is that I think closure conversations often mark, ask a hidden agenda. And we need to be honest about that with ourselves, that sometimes it's just because we miss them and we want to have another conversation. We want a reason to reach out.
[00:11:15]:
We want a reason to connect with them. Sometimes it's because we want another opportunity to be heard, to explain ourselves, to maybe persuade them to see things from our point of view, to change their mind about ending the relationship if they were the one who ended it. And I think it's sort of funny, because at the same time as we can be holding out hope and saying, I can't move on until I get closure, when we have these hidden agendas, we don't actually want closure because the lack of closure is what's keeping the door open. And we take some comfort in the lack of finality because if we had closure and it was really done and dusted, we would have to face the grief of that. And so there can be this push, pull between, I need closure, but also I don't really want it. And maybe we can hold on to knowing that we're probably not going to get it as a way to keep us tethered to our ex when cutting the cord feels too hard, too painful, too much. And the third hard truth that I want to share with you is that even if you did get answers, even if you sat down with your ex and they explained their thought process or how they were feeling or what they wanted and why they did what they did, those answers may not bring you the relief you're looking for. I think, again, we tell ourselves, like, I need to know what they're thinking or why would they do that? But really what we want is for them to tell us something very specific, which makes us feel better.
[00:12:39]:
And the truth might not do that sometimes. The truth which might be, I don't know, I just don't feel the same way as I used to. That might raise more questions for you and might not actually satisfy the ache. Again, I think we have to recognise that someone who behaved in a way that left us desperate for closure, they might not have the clarity to then give to us. Particularly if this person, your ex, has more avoidant attachment patterns. Much of the time they don't have a really clear and concise understanding of their own inner world and their motives and the emotional layers that sit underneath that. So expecting them to be able to offer that to you in a way that brings you relief rather than raises more questions or objections, which, again, I think kind of goes back to the last one where we don't want to have a conversation where we just listen. We want to have almost a negotiation where we can persuade them out of their decision.
[00:13:37]:
I think we have to recognise there's as much a chance that the closure conversation is going to leave us feeling worse rather than better. And that, again, all signs point to the fact that our peace comes from choosing to give ourselves closure, rather than holding out for a conversation with someone that might be more in the realm of fantasy than reality. So what does another way look like? What does it look like to give yourself? Now? This is going to be challenging for the anxious parts of you that are really dead set on getting it from someone else, on needing an explanation from them, on needing them to tie the bow around it for you. But what I want to offer you is that true closure is a decision to accept reality as it is and to acknowledge that you may never get answers to the questions and that you may never fully understand what happened or why. Just really acknowledging the uncertainty that you're feeling and how hard that is, choosing to accept that it's over, even if you wish that that weren't the case. All of these things are choices that you can make in spite of the way you might be feeling. And it really shifts you from a place of being at the mercy of your feelings to acknowledging your feelings and holding them with so much care and recognition and validation, while also summoning a deeper part of you and calling on that part to lead with action. And, okay, this is feeling so hard right now, but I'm going to choose to support myself through it.
[00:15:08]:
I'm going to choose to take my power back. I'm not going to wait around for someone who may or may not ever show up to make me feel better. And I'm going to choose myself, right? I'm going to put one foot in front of the other. I'm going to treat moving on as a choice rather than a feeling. This is what it takes to really heal after a breakup rather than spiralling into a place of powerlessness and desperation and low self worth. So realise that closure is a really, really powerful and loving act of self responsibility. It is something that you can choose to give yourself by choosing to close the door, even if there are lots of loose threads and unanswered questions still sitting there. Your growth comes from learning to sit with the discomfort of that rather than frantically trying to undo it or solve it.
[00:16:00]:
Notice how you're analysing, intellectualising problem solving parts. Guts are trying to take you away from your pain and while that makes so much sense and there's a very loving intention behind that, being with the pain and learning to hold ourselves through it is actually one of the great gifts of going through a breakup and can be such a healing experience. If that's not something that you've ever really done for yourself. If you've only ever numbed out or distracted or reached for someone else to make it better for you, this is a really beautiful opportunity for you to show up for yourself in ways that you may never have before. So I really hope that that's been helpful. I hope it's given you some reframes on how you might be relating to closure and it maybe has shifted you back into a place of agency rather than feeling like you are at the behest of someone else and whether or not they show up for you. And of course I know how hard breakups are, so if you're in the thick of it, I'm sending you so much love. Definitely do check out my free training on breakups because I go into everything that I've shared here in a lot more detail there.
[00:17:03]:
Okay guys, sending so much love and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
[00:17:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
closure after breakup, seeking closure, attachment styles, anxious attachment, breakups, emotional healing, relationship endings, unanswered questions, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, rumination after breakup, moving on, grief after breakup, avoidance, unhealthy relationships, breakup recovery, self-worth, powerlessness after breakup, rejection, unresolved feelings, breakup relief, personal growth, acceptance, emotional pain, agency in healing, reframing closure, loss of attachment, relationship coach, breakups and mental health, practical breakup tools
#210: Can You Heal in a Relationship That Constantly Triggers You?
If you’re doing deep inner work while in a relationship that feels like an emotional minefield, you’ve probably asked yourself this question: Can I actually heal while being constantly triggered? It’s such an important question—and one that doesn’t have a neat, black-and-white answer. But let’s explore it, because understanding the difference between healing through your triggers and being stuck inside them is key to knowing whether a relationship is helping you grow or holding you back.
If you’re doing deep inner work while in a relationship that feels like an emotional minefield, you’ve probably asked yourself this question:
Can I actually heal while being constantly triggered?
It’s such an important question—and one that doesn’t have a neat, black-and-white answer. But let’s explore it, because understanding the difference between healing through your triggers and being stuck inside them is key to knowing whether a relationship is helping you grow or holding you back.
Triggers Aren’t Always the Enemy
It’s completely normal to feel triggered in your relationship.
In fact, our romantic relationships are meant to bring old wounds to the surface.
They touch the deepest parts of us—the parts that wonder, Am I enough? Will you leave me? Can I trust you? Do you really see me? These are the same questions we once asked (silently or otherwise) in childhood, and they resurface in adult love because that’s where we’re most vulnerable.
So, no—being triggered doesn’t mean your relationship is unhealthy.
It means you’re human.
When you have the safety, tools, and awareness to explore those triggers with curiosity rather than shame, they can become powerful portals for healing. They show you where you’re still carrying pain and what’s ready to be integrated.
When It Becomes Too Much
But here’s the other side of the coin: there’s a difference between a relationship that invites growth and one that keeps you in survival mode.
If your nervous system never gets a break—if you’re constantly walking on eggshells, hypervigilant, or anxious—your body doesn’t have the safety it needs to heal. You can’t soften or open when you’re always bracing for impact.
Think of it this way: we can only heal in an environment that feels safe enough.
If you’re trying to work on trust while your partner is still breaching it, or if you’re trying to calm abandonment fears while your partner disappears for days at a time, that’s not a healing environment. Your system is simply responding to ongoing instability, not overreacting to something in the past.
In that case, your triggers aren’t just echoes of old wounds—they’re signals that something in the present isn’t right.
Questions to Ask Yourself
When you’re unsure whether your relationship supports healing or hinders it, pause and ask:
Is this trigger about the past—or the present?
Am I reacting to something that’s happening right now, or is this pain from an earlier experience being re-activated?Is there repair after rupture?
Every couple has conflict, but healing happens through repair. When issues arise, do you both take responsibility and work through them—or does the cycle repeat without resolution?Do I feel emotionally safe?
Do I have space to express myself without fear of punishment, ridicule, or abandonment?Am I collecting more evidence of my old wounds—or rewriting the story?
Are my experiences reinforcing painful beliefs like “I’m not enough,” or helping me see that I am worthy of love and safety?
Your honest answers can help you discern whether your relationship offers opportunities for growth or simply keeps your nervous system on high alert.
When Healing Within the Relationship Is Possible
Growth is possible—even in triggering relationships—when both partners are willing to show up and do the work.
You can heal with someone when:
You both engage in open, respectful communication.
There’s genuine effort to repair after conflict.
You each take responsibility for your patterns and triggers.
There’s a shared sense of commitment—“I’m in this with you.”
When a relationship has that foundation of safety and trust, even difficult moments become opportunities for deeper understanding. It’s not about never being triggered again—it’s about learning to meet those moments with awareness, compassion, and mutual care.
When It Might Be Time to Step Back
Sometimes, though, love alone isn’t enough.
If your relationship constantly leaves you anxious, fearful, or depleted—if there’s little repair and no sense of emotional safety—it may not be the right container for your healing right now.
That doesn’t automatically make it a failure; it simply means your system needs stability to recalibrate. You can continue your healing journey outside the relationship, creating the safety within yourself that you weren’t able to find there.
The Bottom Line
Healing and relationships are not mutually exclusive—but healing requires safety, honesty, and repair.
Triggers can be teachers, but only when they come in manageable doses and within an environment that supports growth. When we feel secure enough to stay present through the discomfort, we can begin to rewrite the stories that keep us stuck.
But when the environment keeps reinforcing our pain faster than we can heal it, the most self-loving thing we can do may be to step away.
Because healing doesn’t mean enduring chaos. It means choosing peace—within yourself, and in the relationships that surround you.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge, and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Foreign hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about whether you can heal in a relationship that constantly triggers you. So I think this is one that a lot of people ask themselves. And it makes sense because when we're doing the work, we're trying to become more secure within ourselves, but we're in a relationship that feels like a bit of a minefield. Like we're constantly coming up against triggers and playing out unhealthy dynamics, maybe having the same conflicts over and over again and wondering whether that's keeping us stuck or facilitating our growth. And I think that it's a really great question and it's an important one that unfortunately doesn't have a neat and clean answer.
[00:01:17]:
But in today's episode, I'm hoping to share some thoughts around why it's not necessarily a bad thing to be triggered in our relationship, and that sometimes triggers can be gifts and mirrors, pointing us towards. Towards the things within us that are maybe unresolved and that need our attention, but also looking at when a relationship might be too triggering for us to be able to meaningfully shift those patterns. So, as always, I think there's a healthy middle, there's a sweet spot, and I'm going to be giving some guidance and thoughts today around what that might look like and how you might make that assessment in the context of your own relationship, on whether it's too much, too much stress, too much overwhelm, too much arguing, too much conflict, such that it's keeping you stuck as compared with maybe it's actually a beautiful opportunity into growth and deeper connection. So that's what we're going to be talking about in today's episode. And I do hope that it resonates with a lot of you who might be grappling with this, because I know that it's a pretty common one that a lot of people ask themselves. Before we get into today's episode, I did want to mention I kind of always forget that I have this resource, but if you're in an anxious, avoidant relationship and you're feeling a bit stuck in a lot of those conflict cycles and the push, pull, and all of those things that we know can be common dynamics, There I have a free masterclass all about navigating anxious avoidant dynamics and where you get stuck and what each person should be focusing on in order to shift the dynamic. And I think the really beautiful thing about couples work is that while you can't single handedly salvage or save a relationship because a relationship is a system and it's so responsive, the things that I do elicit certain responses in you and vice versa, we can certainly change the inputs to the system by changing things on our side. So while we can't single handedly change everything and we can't force someone else to change, we can certainly have an impact on the dynamics that exist in our relationship by cleaning up outside of the street.
[00:03:28]:
And oftentimes it's only in doing that and taking responsibility for our part that we can see clearly what's still there and be much better placed to make a decision about whether it's a good relationship and one we want to keep investing in once we've cleaned up our act and taken responsibility for our stuff. So that free masterclass is a great starting point if you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic and you want to understand all of those puzzle pieces and see where your work might lie. And I'll link that in the show notes or you can head straight to my website to check that out as well. Okay, so let's talk about this. Can you heal in a relationship that constantly triggers you? So as I alluded to in the introduction, triggers are not in and of themselves a problem or a bad thing. In fact, I think we should expect that our romantic relationships will trigger us because they are our most important relationships and they are our most vulnerable relationships. All of the fears that we might be carrying the wounds from our past from earlier in life, our biggest, deepest burdens around. Am I enough? Am I lovable? Are you there for me? Can I count on you? Do you really see me? Do you accept me for who I am? These are the questions that play out in the arena of our romantic relationships.
[00:04:44]:
And they tend not to be as front and centre in our work relationships or our friendships even. It does tend to be our romantic relationships that are top rung of the ladder. And that's really what the whole body of work around attachment is about. That the infant caregiver relationship and all of the complexities of that get sort of transferred and displaced onto our adult romantic relationships later in life. And so not only is it normal to be triggered in our romantic relationships, but I think it can be quite healing if we have the Capacity and the tools and the safety to manage those triggers well, and that safety both within ourselves, meaning we know how to turn towards that and get curious and go, okay, what's this bringing up for me? What's here? What stories am I telling myself? What meaning am I making? What am I bringing to this moment that is maybe not just about this moment, but also the safety in the relational environment that we're then able to process that and repair it so that we can learn from it and deepen in our intimacy, which is ultimately what we want. And I think that really feeds into the crux of the answer to this question around can we heal in a relationship that is triggering us all the time? Which is that there is a difference between expected levels of conflict in a safe relationship and living in a war zone where you are constantly triggered and even retraumatised if you've got some heavier burdens and there's no repair happening. So you are just reinforcing the patterns that you're trying to shift away from. And I think in that latter scenario, say, for example, you have a deep fear of abandonment and rejection, and you struggle, struggle a lot with trust, and that's what you're trying to work on.
[00:06:33]:
And you are fighting all the time with your partner who is breaching trust around the accounts that they follow on Instagram, and maybe they've had a history of messaging people inappropriately and you found out about that and there hasn't been proper repair. And so you are feeling really insecure and snooping and going through their stuff, and they are deflecting and minimising and telling you that you're crazy and paranoid, even though you're finding things and there's no proper discussion about it, it just blows up and then dies down because you run out of steam and you get to a stalemate. Trying to work on your trust issues in that kind of situation is going to be really, really hard, if not impossible, because your nervous system is not going to let go of the protective patterns when you are squarely in the environment that gave rise to the need for those patterns in the first place. And I think that's essentially the question you have to be asking is, am I still dealing with the circum and the conditions that actually require me to adopt my protective stances quite naturally that call those things forward, because those things make perfect sense in that context. So trust and jealousy and snooping is a really obvious example of that. If there's been known betrayals in the relationship and there are ongoing breaches of trust, then just expecting yourself to magically become less jealous and more trusting in that dynamic, I would say, is actually not a healthy expectation or a healthy response to the circumstances as they are and continue to be. So what we really want to be getting clear about here is, is the trigger a me problem in the sense of, am I bringing legacy burdens to this moment and is that an opportunity to turn towards myself and heal something here, or am I actually reacting to what is here and now? And of course, it's not a simple inquiry, it's not going to be black and white. But I think that that is really what we want to be asking ourselves, because a lot of the time, particularly if we have patterns of invalidating ourselves, of blaming ourselves for everything, of feeling like we're too much or too sensitive, then we can internalise everything as being our fault.
[00:08:51]:
And if someone is being very reactive or disappearing for days at a time, I think that's another really good one. For the purposes of this discussion, if have fears around abandonment and your partner disappears, they get overwhelmed and go AWOL on you and you're trying to heal your abandonment fears in that environment, good luck to you. Because the circumstances are such that of course you're feeling that way, that environment is not conducive to you no longer fearing that someone could leave at the drop of a hat, because you are continually collecting evidence that that is true. So we want to be asking ourselves, am I in a container that is conducive to healing in terms of the behaviours that are going on here? And to the extent that the behaviours are not great, is there adequate repair? Or is this relationship just a series of encounters in which I am collecting more evidence in favour of all of those painful stories that I have to work so hard to be loved and people are unreliable and people can't be trusted and whatever else might be going on there. So the things that I've just been speaking to, there might be signs that the relationship is too chaotic, too unsafe, too dysfunctional, too unhealthy, too triggering for you to realistically expect that you are going to be able to do meaningful healing while still really in the arena of that relationship, that it's just too much on your nervous system. And I think the nervous system piece is a good one to mention, because we heal when we feel safe, right? We can't heal when we're constantly dysregulated. And so if you are constantly anxious, constantly stressed, constantly overwhelmed in your relationship, constantly, and conflict, that isn't going to be conducive to healing because they're just different modes. And so we do want to be able to feel like there's sufficient regulation.
[00:10:45]:
And again, it doesn't mean conflict free, as I said in the introduction, triggers a part of it. And conflict can be absolutely part of it. Rupture and repair. But the repair is key there and that's what brings us back into safety and allows us to really make progress in terms of our own growth and healing. So without that, if we're just doing the rupture and no repair over and over and over again, then that's going to be really hard for us to shift out of our patterns because our patterns feel so important in that kind of environment. Now, on the contrary, some signs that you can do healing work in that relationship and that while it might be bringing up some stuff, maybe it's still productive or facilitative of growth. I think a really key one is that you're both really willing and able to work through challenges together as they arise. So it's not one person completely shutting down and pulling away and refusing to engage and not entertaining any discussion of what's wrong.
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And like as soon as you bring it up or as soon as you're upset about something, they turn their back on the conversation and they don't revisit it at any point. Again, that's going to be really hard because that's all ruptured, no repair. And your system is naturally going to feel unsafe in that environment because there is no emotional safety. I think repair is absolutely paramount to having trust and safety in a relationship. So without that that you're really going to struggle. But having a partner who you can have hard conversations with and you can both own your stuff and be honest and reflective, I think that that's a really positive sign. Even if it exists alongside triggers and conflict. I think another really good sign is that you are developing or you already have the ability to self regulate and resource yourself through those triggering moments.
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So if you don't have any of those tools and you're completely spinning out and becoming very, very dysregulated, that's just a heavy to on your system, particularly if it's frequently happening. So if every other day you're having these big fights and you totally lose your centre in those moments and you don't have any capacity to self regulate, that's just going to be really weighing on your system. To be spending so much time in extreme stress and dysregulation. So having the ability to hold your centre to reflect, to communicate somewhat effectively. Even in those moments of trigger. I think that's a very different picture to the one where you. It's like all out war and you're both yelling and swearing and slamming doors. Like really high conflict kind of relationships are going to be hard to heal in because again, the burden on your system, the heavy toll of that level of acute stress is going to be really hard and can get in the way of creating enough safety and regulation for that healing to happen.
[00:13:36]:
I think another really important sign, and this makes me think of something that the Gottmans teach, which is that trust and commitment are really foundational to a healthy relationship. And here I'm thinking more about the commitment piece, which is, I think it's much easier to heal in a relationship that has a sense of longevity about it or at least that we're like both all in. If one person or both of you are one foot out the door and the possibility of ending the relationship is always lurking, waiting in the wings, that's a trump card that one or both of you pulls in conflict. That is really hard because that feels like a threat almost that if you push it too far, I'm going to leave. If you're too dysregulated, if you get too upset, if you express too many needs, if I perceive you as being too unreasonable, then I'm just going to pull the pin and walk away. That creates such a power imbalance that's really hard to. Again, that just completely undermines safety. So having a sense that like we're both in this, even though it feels really hard, we're both really committed to doing the hard things together.
[00:14:44]:
And walking away from the relationship is not front and centre as a possibility that we're both tempted by or flirting with. I think that that can really help in shifting the balance towards it being a potentially healing opportunity because it just has that steady anchor of I'm not going anywhere, I'm in this with you, that can, I think, really shift it into collaborative rather than combative, which obviously is very helpful. Okay, so I hope that that has answered this question of can I heal in a relationship that's triggering me. As always, the answer is in shades of grey rather than being black and white. But I hope that the examples I've given and those pointers have given you an overall sense of what to look for and what is maybe too much for your system to hold in terms of not having enough safety, regulation and repair for you to trust in the ability of doing things Differently. And I think that's really what it comes down to. We will only take risks towards a new way of being in relationship if there's enough trust and safety for that to happen. Because if we don't have that trust and safety, if we feel like we are under attack all the time and that there are these visceral threats, which, again, might sound dramatic, but that's what our nervous system and our attachment system perceives when we are really in the trenches and doing this work and our relationships are feeling hard and they're feeling triggering, it can register as deeply threatening to our system.
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And if there's not enough safety alongside that or underpinning that, then expecting that your system is going to willingly drop its protective mechanisms that have been in place for a really long time is just not realistic. And it's not fair to expect that of yourself, because those protective parts are doing an important job. And it's only in an internal and relational environment of trust and safety that we have the ability to soften into something new and experimental. Because with that comes risk and vulnerability. So keep coming back to this question. Is this relationship offering me an opportunity to turn towards my triggers, my unresolved pain and wounding, such that I can grow and heal through that? Or is this relationship and the dynamics that are present here reinforcing my wounds and collecting more evidence in favour of those painful stories that I might have about myself and about others? Is it doing all of that faster than I could possibly hope to heal them? Because if I'm clocking new evidence every other day or every week and having these big ruptures without repair, then expecting myself to heal in those conditions might not be realistic. So I really hope that that's been helpful. I think that this kind of situation is certainly one where therapy, whether individual or as a couple, can be really supportive.
[00:17:33]:
Because getting an outside opinion on your specific set of circumstances when you're so deep in it, that can be very, very useful. Because naturally everything is magnified and we can kind of lose sight of the bigger picture when we're so deep in the trenches. So if you're really going through it at the moment and you're grappling with some of these big questions, I really encourage you to seek out whatever support might be available to you that can help you figure out what you need and how to get there. Because it can be really hard when you feel like you're treading water and you just maybe can't see the forest for the trees. So sending you lots of love if you're in it. And I do hope that what I've shared today has given you at least a starting point to reflect on some of these tricky questions and what you might be needing in order to really take care of yourself and shift away from some of your not so healthy patterns and into something that feels a little more secure and safe within yourself and within your relationships. Okay guys, sending you so much love and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
[00:18:37]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
relationship triggers, healing in relationships, attachment styles, insecure attachment, romantic relationships, conflict resolution, emotional safety, regulation, repair in relationships, anxious avoidant dynamic, couples work, trust issues, abandonment fears, relational environment, nervous system regulation, protective patterns, self-regulation, feeling unsafe in relationships, conflict cycles, intimacy, healthy relationships, dysfunctional relationships, high conflict relationships, overthinking in relationships, therapy for couples, communication skills, relationship growth, vulnerability, legacy burdens, emotional dysregulation, evidence of painful stories