#212: How & When to Start Dating Again After a Break-up
There’s no denying it—breakups are hard. They shake our sense of safety, bring up old wounds, and leave us questioning what’s next. But after a period of healing, reflection, and rebuilding, many people find themselves asking: When will I be ready to date again? We’ll explore signs that you may not be ready just yet, signs that you might be, and how to approach dating again with clarity, self-respect, and emotional grounding.
There’s no denying it—breakups are hard. They shake our sense of safety, bring up old wounds, and leave us questioning what’s next. But after a period of healing, reflection, and rebuilding, many people find themselves asking: When will I be ready to date again?
If you’ve been through a breakup and you’re starting to feel that little spark of curiosity about dating again—but you’re not quite sure whether it’s too soon—this post is for you.
Below, we’ll explore signs that you may not be ready just yet, signs that you might be, and how to approach dating again with clarity, self-respect, and emotional grounding.
There’s No “Magic Number” for Readiness
First things first: there’s no timeline. You can’t mark your calendar for “three months post-breakup” and declare yourself healed and ready to date again.
Every breakup is different. The ending of a long-term relationship that’s been slowly unraveling might require a different kind of healing than a short but intense connection that ended abruptly. And depending on how you process emotions, what your attachment patterns look like, and what support systems you have in place, your healing journey will be unique to you.
Readiness isn’t a permanent state—it’s fluid. You might feel ready one week and retreat inward the next. That’s normal. The goal isn’t to find certainty, but to stay attuned to your needs and emotions as they shift.
Signs You Might Not Be Ready Yet
Here are a few clues that it may be worth giving yourself more time before diving back into dating:
1. You’re Still Fixated on Your Ex
If your thoughts still revolve around your ex—what they’re doing, who they’re seeing, how things ended, or how they wronged you—it’s a sign there’s still pain to process. Obsessing over their social media or venting about them to anyone who will listen might provide temporary relief, but it’s often a sign that your emotional energy is still deeply tied to them.
2. You Haven’t Reflected on the Relationship
Before starting something new, it’s vital to understand what went wrong in your last relationship—and what role you played in that dynamic.
Where did you self-abandon? Where did you silence your needs or ignore your intuition? Without this reflection, you risk repeating the same patterns with someone new.
3. You’re Using Dating to Avoid Pain
If you’re dating because you’re lonely, want to prove something to your ex, or simply don’t want to feel the grief anymore, pause. Dating from that place often leads to disconnection and disappointment. Ask yourself: Am I doing this to heal or to hide?
A good litmus test:
Would I want to date someone who’s in the emotional space I’m in right now?
If the answer is no, it might be time to give yourself more space before bringing someone new into your world.
Signs You Might Be Ready to Date Again
On the flip side, there are some beautiful signs that you may be ready to open your heart again—gently, intentionally, and with self-awareness.
1. The Emotional Intensity Has Softened
You no longer feel that deep charge when you think about your ex. You can reflect on the relationship without spiraling into grief, anger, or rumination. You might even wish them well and genuinely mean it.
2. You Feel Curious and Open
When you start noticing people again—finding them attractive, feeling open to new experiences, or even feeling a flicker of excitement at the idea of connection—that’s a good sign your heart is slowly reopening. You’re beginning to look forward rather than backward.
3. You’re Clear on What You Want
You’ve taken time to clarify your values, boundaries, and non-negotiables. You know what self-respect looks like for you, and you’re prepared to uphold it. That clarity allows you to approach dating with discernment, rather than desperation.
Managing Expectations: The Realities of Dating Again
Even when you are ready, dating after a breakup can bring up old emotions. You might go on a date and suddenly feel a wave of grief, longing, or sadness. That doesn’t mean you’re not ready—it just means you’re human.
Starting fresh with someone new can be both exciting and confronting. You’re reminded of how much familiarity and safety existed in your past relationship, and it can feel daunting to begin again. Instead of interpreting those feelings as regression, see them as part of the process.
Approach dating like an experiment, not a performance. You’re allowed to take it slow, to pull back if something doesn’t feel right, and to protect your peace. Healing doesn’t mean you never feel discomfort—it means you trust yourself to navigate it when it arises.
A Grounding Question to Guide You
If you take one thing away from this, let it be this question:
Would I want to step into the emotional space I’m in right now as someone new?
If the answer feels like a yes—or even a soft maybe—then perhaps it’s time to gently open the door again. If not, that’s okay too. The goal isn’t to rush your healing, but to honor it.
When you start dating again from a place of self-respect, clarity, and openness, you set the stage for something far healthier and more fulfilling than anything you’ve known before.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how and when to start dating again after a breakup. So if you've been through a breakup in the last few months, maybe even longer, and you've had a period of time to turn inwards to focus on yourself, which by the way, is certainly what I recommend after a breakup, I think rushing back into things as a way to distract ourselves or bypass the pain and the grief is probably just kicking the can down the road and delaying the inevitable because whatever wounds we're carrying, we're going to have to face eventually. But in any case, if you've been through a breakup and then you've had some time and you're feeling like maybe I'm ready to start dating again, but you're not really sure, I'm going to be offering some thoughts in this episode as to signs that you might be ready, signs that you might not be ready, and just some tips around managing your expectations of what it's likely to look like as you dip your toe back in, as you venture out into the world of dating so that you can do that in a way that feels really supported and not rushed and not pressured, while also, as I said, managing expectations around possible grief that might come up anxiety. All of those other feelings which I actually think are really normal and not necessarily a sign that something's wrong. And I think really, like at the heart of everything we're going to talk about today is knowing how to attune to yourself and be really honest about where you're at and what you're needing and what feels right for you, and continually checking in with that because of course it's subject to change.
[00:02:06]:
It's not a one and done thing. Before we get into today's episode, a quick reminder about a few of my free resources. If you're new around here or maybe you just haven't gotten around to checking some of them out. I have a couple of free trainings at the moment on how to heal anxious attachment and also healing from a breakup. So if you're in either of those camps, someone who's just wanting to work on their anxious attachment patterns or someone who's feeling really stuck After a breakup and wanting specific guidance on how to move through that process in the healthiest way possible. Definitely check out one or both of my free trainings because that will give you a really nice starting point and orientation as to what to focus on, which I think can always be helpful. If we're feeling a bit rudderless and like we're treading water during a tough period. I think just having a plan and having a sense of the path ahead can be so, so supportive for our nervous system.
[00:02:58]:
Okay, so let's talk about how and when to start dating again after a breakup. So now for those of you who were hoping that I'd be able to give you a magic number. Of course I can't give you a magic number because everyone is so different. The circumstances that lead up to a breakup are so different. The way that we move through breakups is so different. As between us, there are just a million and one variables that mean that it's really very personal and very subjective. This state of readiness is not one that I can be the arbiter of on your behalf. For some people, they might be ready after a month, others might take a year.
[00:03:33]:
And neither is better or worse. It's not like you're superior if you're ready to date again and you're over it quickly. I think that any kind of judgement around that is very arbitrary and kind of misses the point, which is that actually allowing ourselves time and space to grieve and process and learn and grow after a breakup, I think is, as I said, a really beautiful and wise thing to do. But, you know, it can also depend on how long you were in the relationship for and, you know, how long of a road it was to the ending. If it was a really slow death, you might have started grieving before it ended. You might have kind of processed the fact that it was going to end for the six months prior to it actually ending. And so it doesn't take you that long to get into a state of readiness to explore something new. Whereas if you were really blindsided and it caught you off guard, then that might take a lot longer to process.
[00:04:27]:
And again, neither is better or worse. It's just a matter of circumstances and your unique way of processing it and whatever it might have brought up for you. Because we all have our own template, we all have our own stories that breakups can activate within us. So all of that to say, I'm sorry, but I can't give you a magic number. And also, I think the. The other thing to acknowledge about Readiness is that being ready to date again is not a fixed state and it's not like a one way door that once we're ready, there's no turning back. Right. I think it's more fluid than that.
[00:05:03]:
And we might have some feelings of readiness or we might have some curiosity and interest in maybe going out there again and exploring what it might look like. Maybe you sign up to one of the apps and start having a look around and that might be like step one in the readiness, but you're not actually ready to talk to anyone, or you're not really ready to go on a date, or you're not really ready to do anything beyond that. It's not just ready or not, it's not binary. And that's fine. You don't have to have absolute certainty around all of those things. I think you can experiment and kind of play with it. With the caveat that being really attuned to yourself and where you're at and what you're needing as you go, I think is very wise. With that being said, I do want to offer some signs that you maybe are not ready or could use some more time to process and reflect and grieve and do whatever else you need to do.
[00:06:00]:
And then some signs that you maybe are in the headspace that you might want to get back out there if that feels aligned for you. So signs that you're maybe not ready yet or that it's maybe too soon are that you're still really consumed by thoughts of your ex. So if you are deep in the rumination, if you're still talking about them all the time to anyone who'll listen and you're still obsessing over how could they do that? And you know, what's wrong with them? And they're so toxic and you're still following all of the Instagram accounts that feed you, all of the things about your toxic ex and how bad they are, and you're watching YouTube videos and you're doing all of the things that's probably speaking to the fact that you've got a lot of unprocessed pain and that having your pain so front and centre, which I think when we are fixating on our ex and why they would do that, that does say that there's a lot of pain that I'm still holding around this ending. That's probably not a great headspace and emotional space from which to be going and connecting with someone else. Because you are going to be showing up to that with all of that unprocessed pain and that's generally not going to play well for you. So if you're still very much in the trenches and in the thick of it, terms of fixating on your ex and obsessing over what they're doing and being very shook up by that, then that's probably a good sign that there's still some work to be done before you get back out there. Another really important sign that it's maybe too soon or that it would be worth waiting a little longer is that you haven't actually taken time to reflect on what went wrong with the relationship that has ended. What was your part in it and what comes next? What do you actually want? What are you looking for in a partner? What are your standards? If you haven't gone through that reflective process, then there's a really good chance that you're just going to be led by abstract nebulous concepts like chemistry and spark.
[00:07:52]:
And chemistry and spark are great, but without knowing what your values are, knowing what your standards are, they're probably going to lead you to familiar places. And if you've got a long history of relationships that have maybe followed not so healthy patterns, then just relying on attraction as your guiding light, as your yardstick, that's probably going to mean pattern repeats rather than pattern shifts. So having real clarity around, okay, where did I maybe misstep in that relationship? Where did I self abandon? Where did I override my own limits or boundaries? Where did I not speak up for myself? Where did I neglect my own needs in order to keep the peace? Whatever it looked like for you, and how am I going to be clearer around that for myself so that I don't end up there again? I think that that's really, really important work to do between relationships and ideally doing it before you've got someone in front of you that you're really excited about. And you are more likely to try and fit a square peg into a round hole. If you're just really drawn to them and really excited, then it's easy to kind of drop all of those standards. And all of the things that we've said are non negotiables. All of a sudden we're like, yeah, but I really like them. And particularly if you have anxious attachment patterns, we know that that feelings carry so much weight.
[00:09:15]:
So try and get really clear before you're in the haze of attraction and chemistry and excitement about someone. I think that that is incredibly wise and self responsible to do that work between relationships. Okay. And the third sign that you might not be Ready is that if you feel like being honest with yourself, you're just dating as a way to numb out, distract, avoid pain, rather than because it's something that you feel good about and aligned about and excited about, and you feel like you're doing it from a place, self worth and knowing who you are and knowing what you're looking for. As I was kind of just talking about getting honest around, like, what purpose is this serving right now? Am I doing it to compete with my ex? Because I've seen that they're dating again and so I feel like I have to in order to kind of keep pace with them. All of those things are not good motives. And so really just tuning into, like, what is this really about for me? And does that feel like a clean intention and a clean energy from which I am choosing to engage with this? And I think a really good overarching barometer or litmus test when it comes to the energy that we're carrying around our past relationship and thinking about dating again is, would I want to date someone who is in the headspace that I'm in with respect to their ex? So going back to that first one around, like, still really in the anger and the bitterness and the obsessive rumination about them and stalking them on social media, that's not really something that someone else would want to come into. Right? There's still another main character in your relational sphere that doesn't leave much space for a new person to slot into in an appropriate way, in a way that they'd be comfortable with if they had all of that information.
[00:10:56]:
So being really honest with yourself and going, is there really space for someone new here? Or am I still tethered to them? And would someone new, and particularly someone who's, like, healthy and secure is the kind of partner that I want, Would they be interested in coming into this dynamic? Is there space, space for them? Or am I still kind of holding onto my ex? Or is my ex still occupying that role of love interest in my life even though the relationship has ended? Okay, so turning now to some signs that you might be ready. And they're kind of the flip side of the signs that you're not. But the first one being that the emotional intensity is kind of softened. So you don't feel a lot of charge when you think about your ex. You're not really easily triggered or upset, or you don't feel like your stomach churns every time you think about them. I mean, a really good one is thinking about them being with someone Else doesn't make you want to vomit. Now, I think, of course, with the caveat that it's normal that the idea of your ex dating someone new doesn't feel amazing and bring a smile to your face. It may, and that's lovely if it does.
[00:11:55]:
But you don't have to be super stoked about the idea of your ex dating someone new. But I think if it makes you want to hide under the blankets for two weeks, then maybe again, you're still too deep in it, you're still relating to them as being your partner. So if you feel kind of neutral about that or you feel mostly fine, you don't feel a lot of charge when you think about your ex. Those are all good signs that you've probably processed it enough time has passed, you've kind of reflected, you've done the work around whatever emotions might have been tied up with the breakup, such that you can look back on it with a little more neutrality and kind of wish them well, but not be super invested in what they're doing and their choices, all of that stuff. So that's a really good sign if you're feeling a lot less emotional intensity or even emotional neutrality when you think about your ex. The next one is, and it sounds kind of obvious, but you're feeling a level of openness and curiosity and maybe even excitement at the idea of meeting new people. So I think when a breakup is really fresh, oftentimes the idea of going out and dating fills us with dread. The idea of starting from scratch with someone new feels so hard and like the last thing we want.
[00:13:07]:
And we can't even contemplate the idea of dating someone new because we still relate to our ex as being our partner and that feels almost disloyal. So a really good sign that you're starting to move towards readiness is that you start to notice people you know, as you move through your day, you start to notice people who you maybe find attractive. Or your energy shifts towards being open to new connections and you're feeling a level of curiosity, if not excitement around the idea of dating again and what that might look like. You become a bit more future oriented and a bit more open minded about what the future might hold. And that starts to feel hopeful and optimistic rather than grief stricken. I think that's a really good sign that you're maybe shifting into the energy of being ready to dip your toe back in and explore new connections and dating new people. And finally, and again, this is kind of the flip side of one of the signs you're not ready is you have done the inner work and you've gotten intentional around. What am I looking for here? What are my values? What are my non negotiables? What are my deal breakers? What am I available for? What am I not available for? What will I not entertain? And I think particularly if maybe it's been a while in between relationships.
[00:14:19]:
So if you were in a long term relationship and you're getting onto dating apps and maybe you've not been in the dating sphere for a few years, things have probably changed in the dating world. I mean, I personally have never been on dating apps just because life hasn't unfolded that way for me. I've kind of always been in long term relationships, but certainly I've heard a lot of people say that it's a bit of a jungle out there. And so I think that having real clarity around self respect looks like for you in that environment where you may have to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince, so to speak. And like having a really strong mindset as you go into it, having a solid basis of self worth because there may be rejection, there may be disappointment, there may be setbacks, you're not going to be super compatible with everyone, There will probably be people who you're chatting with and then they ghost you or what like all of that might be par for the course. And if you're not going into that arena with a really strong internal foundation of what your boundaries are, what you're available for and like a decent base of self worth, then it's really easy to take all of that and spiral and internalise it and take it very personally or end up just chasing attention from whoever will give it to you, which. Which of course is probably not going to lead you where you want to go. So I think having done a bit of work for yourself and trying to clean up your mindset around whatever stories you might have around dating, like all the good ones are taken or it's just a dumpster fire and it's some awful thing I have to endure, that's not going to be really, you know, clean, attractive energy to be going into dating with.
[00:15:57]:
So trying to shift your mindset into something that is a bit more genuinely hopeful but also really clear around, I'm not going to tolerate that. I'm not going to entertain that if someone like disappears for three weeks and then comes back into my DMs again, I'm not really interested in that because that tells me everything that I need to know. So having all of that laid out for yourself is a really good thing to do before you get back out there. Now it's so normal to feel like you might be ready and to feel optimistic and feel hopeful and then to, for example, go on a date with someone and be hit with a massive wave of grief and feel suddenly very disheartened and feel like you miss your ex intensely, even though you haven't even really been thinking about them that much. And that makes so much sense, right? And it's probably not about your. It's just about the reality of the situation hitting you. That starting from scratch with someone new can be really exciting, but it can also be really daunting. And you realise how much legwork had been put into the previous relationship, how much you had invested in terms of just familiarity and ease and getting to know each other and all of the stuff that felt really natural and familiar there and realising the loss of that by contrast with this new person who doesn't know anything about you and you don't know anything about them and you don't really know what they're saying.
[00:17:09]:
Sense of humour as yet. And all of those things, you might be reminded when you have that experience of going on a date with someone new, of things that you've lost that maybe you weren't focusing on. So I just wanted to offer that having kind of another wave of grief or sadness or longing hit you after going on a date with someone new, I think that that's actually really normal. It doesn't have to mean anything. It doesn't mean, wait, am I still in love with my ex? I think it just can bring our awareness back to some of the things that, that we've lost and that we have to start again on. And that can feel a bit daunting and overwhelming. And I think that sometimes managing our expectations around that can help to soften it and not send us spiralling into meaning making around it. So I hope that that's been helpful.
[00:17:54]:
And I just really want to emphasise that dating again is not like I'm perfectly healed and have no emotional history or baggage or residue. Like obviously we're all just out there doing our best and you don't have to hold yourself to an impossible standard and feel like you need to be totally 100% healed before you're allowed to go and talk to anyone or meet anyone or explore anything. But I think it is just finding that balance between self responsibility and respect for ourselves and the other person as well. And I think that question that I put to you earlier of am I in a space that someone else would want to come into right now? I think that's a really good guiding question and can kind of cut through all of the noise of the other stuff. So if in doubt, if you take anything away from this episode, take that question of would I want to step into the space of how I'm feeling about my ex right now as someone new? Does this feel like a welcoming space for a potential partner to step into and a potential partner of the calibre that I'm looking for and the quality and the standard that I'm looking for and that I really want for myself? Can I get myself to a place where I feel like I'm going to attract that which I'm looking for rather than inviting someone into a very like, messy, unfinished business kind of situation? Okay guys, thank you so much for joining me. As I said at the start, if you want to go deeper into some of this stuff, definitely check out those free trainings, my Anxious Attachment starter kit. I have a whole host of free resources on my website that I really encourage you to dig into. Otherwise, thanks so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
[00:19:31]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
dating after breakup, emotional readiness, signs you're not ready to date, signs you’re ready to date, relationship recovery, breakup healing, anxious attachment, healing anxious attachment, grieving a breakup, self-reflection after breakup, managing expectations, dating apps, moving on from an ex, personal growth, emotional intensity, self-worth, boundaries in dating, values in relationships, non-negotiables, avoiding distraction, conscious dating, patterns in relationships, relationship standards, starting over, romantic relationships, post-breakup reflection, attachment styles, nervous system support, emotional neutrality, dealing with rejection, healthy relationships
#211: The Hard Truth About Closure After a Break-up
If you’ve ever found yourself endlessly replaying conversations after a breakup, searching for the missing piece that will make it all make sense—you’re not alone. Closure is one of the most sought-after (and misunderstood) parts of healing from a relationship. It’s also one of the hardest things to actually get from someone else. Let’s talk about why that is, and how you can start finding closure from within instead.
If you’ve ever found yourself endlessly replaying conversations after a breakup, searching for the missing piece that will make it all make sense—you’re not alone.
Closure is one of the most sought-after (and misunderstood) parts of healing from a relationship. It’s also one of the hardest things to actually get from someone else.
Let’s talk about why that is, and how you can start finding closure from within instead.
Why We Crave Closure
When a relationship ends, especially one that felt significant or confusing, our brains crave answers. We want to know why. Why it ended. Why they changed. Why we didn’t see it coming.
It’s a deeply human response—especially if you have an anxious attachment style. People with anxious tendencies often find safety in understanding and certainty, and breakups throw us into the exact opposite: uncertainty and chaos.
So we search for meaning anywhere we can find it. We stalk their Instagram, reread old messages, talk to friends, analyze every word they ever said, and maybe even ask AI what it all means (no judgment!).
But here’s the truth: all that searching isn’t really about finding answers—it’s about trying to avoid the pain of grief.
When you’re sitting in heartbreak, not knowing feels unbearable. So you try to think your way out of feeling. The problem is, closure isn’t a thought problem—it’s a feeling problem. And thinking harder won’t get you out of it.
The Hard Truth About Closure
1. The People Who Leave You Wanting Closure Can’t Usually Give It
There’s an irony here. The ex who leaves you with the most confusion, unanswered questions, and emotional chaos is often the least capable of providing clarity afterward.
If they couldn’t communicate clearly, show up emotionally, or take accountability in the relationship, it’s unrealistic to expect they’ll suddenly be able to do so after it ends.
And while that’s painful, it’s also liberating—because it means you can stop waiting for them to fix what they broke. You can stop holding out for an explanation that may never come.
2. Sometimes “Needing Closure” Is Code for “I Don’t Want It to Be Over”
This one can sting.
When you say you want closure, ask yourself honestly: Do I actually want answers, or do I just want another reason to connect with them?
Sometimes the desire for closure hides a deeper wish—that they’ll finally understand, finally apologize, or even change their mind.
But real closure means accepting it’s over. And that acceptance often feels like loss before it feels like relief. So we delay it. We tell ourselves we “need closure” while secretly hoping we never get it—because that would mean it’s really done.
3. Even If You Got the Answers, They Might Not Help
Let’s imagine your ex did sit down and tell you everything. They explained their reasons, their feelings, their choices. Would that truly make it easier? Or would it open new wounds, new questions, new pain?
Often, the “closure conversation” we fantasize about doesn’t actually bring peace—it brings more confusion. Especially if your ex is avoidant, disconnected from their emotions, or simply unable to articulate what happened in a way that brings comfort.
True closure isn’t found in their words. It’s found in your willingness to stop waiting for them to give you peace.
What Real Closure Looks Like
Real closure is self-generated. It’s the moment you stop trying to make it make sense, and instead say, I may never understand this fully—but I can still choose to let go.
It’s choosing acceptance over answers.
It’s deciding to grieve instead of analyze.
It’s shifting from “Why did they do that?” to “How can I support myself through this?”
That’s what taking your power back looks like. You don’t need their explanation to move forward. You just need to decide that you deserve peace more than you deserve an explanation.
A Loving Reframe
Closure isn’t a gift someone gives you—it’s a boundary you give yourself.
It’s the act of saying, Even without all the answers, I choose to close this chapter.
You can honor your feelings and still choose to move forward. You can hold sadness and strength at the same time. You can stop waiting for someone else to end your pain and begin writing the next part of your story.
Because healing doesn’t come from a perfect ending—it comes from deciding that you’re ready for a new beginning.
If You’re in the Thick of It
If you’re struggling to let go or still looping on unanswered questions, I have a free training designed to help you move through breakups with more ease and clarity. It’s especially for those with anxious attachment patterns and will walk you through the three biggest shifts that help you heal and move forward.
You can sign up through the link in the show notes—it’s completely free.
And if you take away just one thing from today: You don’t have to wait for closure to start healing. You can give it to yourself today.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Foreign hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about closure after a breakup. So closure is one of those things that we can really easily fixate on and that makes a lot of sense if a breakup has ended in a way that has left us with a lot of unanswered questions and open loops and feeling like there are so many things we don't understand about what unfolded and why. And when we're in that state of uncertainty, it's really natural that we would seek answers and that we would seek them from the person who we assume is the best place to provide them, being our ex. But as we're going to talk about today, that can get us into a really sticky place where we are holding out for our ex to show up to some conversation in some way that's going to soothe the pain that we're in, that's going to close all the open loops. And I think that oftentimes our expectations, expectations or our hopes around getting that closure can keep us holding on for a really long time and in a way that is maybe not conducive to our healing.
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So in today's episode, I'm going to be talking about why it makes so much sense that you long for closure and that you might fixate on the need to get all of these questions answered. But I'm also going to be sharing some hard truths about closure and you know, why it's probably unlikely that you're going to get closure from your ex and in the form that you're hoping, and how you might reframe closure for yourself so that it's something that you can choose through acceptance rather than waiting around for from someone else. And ultimately that I think is in service of your processing of a breakup, your grieving and ultimately your peace and acceptance, which I think is what we all need, even if it's not what we want. We'll also talk about the ways in which you might, whether you realise it or not, be holding onto this need for closure as a way to keep the door open, and that maybe there's a part of you that says you need closure but doesn't actually want that closure because the lack of closure feels Like a tether to your ex that you're not quite ready to let go of. So we're going to be talking about all of that today, and I'm hoping that if you're going through a breakup, or maybe you went through a breakup a really long time ago and you still don't have closure and it still haunts you that what I'm going to share in today's episode will give you a new perspective that might move you towards more peace and healing. Before we get into today's discussion about closure, I did want to remind. Remind you that I have a free training all about breakups. So if you're in it at the moment, or as I said, if you have been through a breakup maybe six months ago, maybe longer, but you still feel like there's a lot of residue there that you maybe haven't worked through, I'd really encourage you to check out this free training.
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It's primarily focused on anxious attachment as far as breakups are concerned, and looking at some common pitfalls that anxious attachers can get into in a breakup and the three shifts that will help you to get unstuck and really move through a breakup in a way that not only facilitates your healing, but really allows you to use a breakup as fuel for your evolution and to springboard you into a new chapter of your life. Really seeing a breakup as a turning point rather than something that just sends you spiralling downwards. So if that sounds like something that would be supportive for you, I really encourage you to check it out. And the link to register for that is in the show notes. And just to be clear, that is a totally free training. So really nothing to lose by signing up for that one. Okay, so let's talk about closure. Now, as I've spoken about so many times before on the show, we know that breakups are really hard for everyone and that they're particularly hard for people with anxious attachment patterns.
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Because we derive so much safety and security from a relationship, even a dysfunctional one, right? Even one that was really unhealthy. And as a relationship is maybe nearing the end, when it's on its last legs, there's every chance that you were dialling up your efforts to hold it all together, that you were trying so hard to be seen to be understood, to solve the problems, to put out the fires. And so for it to end in spite of those efforts is very painful and can bring up a lot of really difficult feelings and stories. Not only the grief of losing someone, but feelings of failure and inadequacy stories of how could they give up so easily? Why would they give up on me? It feels so personal. And of course it does, right? Because breakups involve the loss of an attachment figure and that is deeply destabilising to our system. So it makes sense that if you've been through a breakup and really any breakup, that you'd be feeling a lot of those feelings now. What can make it more challenging is when a breakup ends in circumstances that leave you feeling very confused, maybe blindsided, whether you didn't see it coming, it felt very sudden, or there just wasn't adequate conversation around it, such that you feel like you have a lot of question marks, a lot of loose threads, a lot of open loops. For someone with anxious attachment patterns who derives so much safety from certainty and information, having that many unknowns around, this deep pain that you're in, can really greatly exacerbate your suffering.
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And if you already felt like you were treading water just by virtue of the breakup itself, having all of those unanswered questions can send you into a bit of a frenzy. And I think what can often happen there is that anxiously attached people will try and solve the pain by going into full blown rumination mode. So obsessing over what they're doing and almost trying to single handedly solve the puzzle or find the answers by stalking their Instagram and maybe going back through all of your messages or talking to ChatGPT or watching a million videos online to try and decip and decode them. And all of that points to the fact that we're maybe trying to avoid the bigness of the grief that we're feeling and that we're maybe pushing against reality. We're in denial of the reality we find ourselves in and so we're trying to make it all make sense. I think another piece that can drive that kind of behaviour is that because our baseline tendency is to internalise and take things very personally. So the story of how could they give up on me so easily? They must not have loved me, they must not have cared. That's a very common interpretation for anxiously attached people.
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It's almost like if we can solve their behaviour by gathering all of this information and watching all these videos and trying to decode them, then maybe we'll find a less painful interpretation of what happened and that might lessen the pain that we're in and the hurt that we're carrying around it. So I share all of that to contextualise what might be going on for you and to validate why that's so normal. If you're going through that and wondering if it's just you who does that, I can guarantee you that you are far from alone. Because pretty much everyone I've ever worked with who's gone through a breakup has been in that very same place. But also to maybe paint the picture of how that's not what you need, even though it's what you might reach for by default when you're in that place. And pointing out that oftentimes our anxiety does launch us into this mode of trying to think our way out, of feeling. And I think that's true a lot of the time. And again makes sense when we look at the fact that for a lot of anxiously attached people, holding ourselves through big emotions is really, really hard.
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And we are so accustomed to reaching for someone or something outside of ourselves to make that feel more tolerable. And so when we don't have that in the form of our partner who may be the person we ordinarily go to when we're feeling that way for reassurance or soothing, it makes sen that we're just grasping at whatever other tools we have in the toolbox to try and make that feel more okay or less acute. With all of that being said, I do think we really need to acknowledge that there are some hard truths that we need to reckon with when it comes to closure. And the first one, which you might have heard me share before, is that the great irony about closure is that the relationships and the people who leave us most yearning for closure are also the people who are least likely to be willing or able to give us that closure. And what do I mean by that? Well, simply that if a relationship ends in circumstances that are deeply confusing, that feel like it was just one big shit show of conflict and unfinished conversations and a lot of emotional turmoil and disarray, such that you are standing there in amongst the rubble, not knowing what the hell just happened and understandably wanting some explanation that makes it all make sense. What makes you think that the person who left you in those circumstances is suddenly going to have the capacity to show up and give you some cogent and satisfactory explanation for why they did what they did or what they were feeling or what drove them to act in that way? I think that that's a really unrealistic expectation. And we have to acknowledge that if someone was unwilling or unable to show up in that way while we were in a relationship with them, that it's pretty unlikely that they're going to show up in the way we want them to. After the relationship has ended, they're unlikely to have magically developed that capacity.
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And their willingness is likely less than it was when they were in the relationship because they no longer have that obligation. If they were in such a state of overwhelm and shutdown that they behaved in a way that was really confusing and felt really unfair. I don't think that we should be putting all of our eggs in the basket of waiting for them to suddenly show up and make themselves available for a con that's going to close all of the loops and bring us emotional relief. So I think we do have to look at reality as it is rather than as we wish it were, and acknowledge that if the relationship was so dysfunctional, so unhealthy, or just ended in a way that really didn't make sense, then that probably speaks to the capacity of the person we were in a relationship with. And that's something we need to find some acceptance around rather than being in denial about. Now, the next hard truth about closure is that I think closure conversations often mark, ask a hidden agenda. And we need to be honest about that with ourselves, that sometimes it's just because we miss them and we want to have another conversation. We want a reason to reach out.
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We want a reason to connect with them. Sometimes it's because we want another opportunity to be heard, to explain ourselves, to maybe persuade them to see things from our point of view, to change their mind about ending the relationship if they were the one who ended it. And I think it's sort of funny, because at the same time as we can be holding out hope and saying, I can't move on until I get closure, when we have these hidden agendas, we don't actually want closure because the lack of closure is what's keeping the door open. And we take some comfort in the lack of finality because if we had closure and it was really done and dusted, we would have to face the grief of that. And so there can be this push, pull between, I need closure, but also I don't really want it. And maybe we can hold on to knowing that we're probably not going to get it as a way to keep us tethered to our ex when cutting the cord feels too hard, too painful, too much. And the third hard truth that I want to share with you is that even if you did get answers, even if you sat down with your ex and they explained their thought process or how they were feeling or what they wanted and why they did what they did, those answers may not bring you the relief you're looking for. I think, again, we tell ourselves, like, I need to know what they're thinking or why would they do that? But really what we want is for them to tell us something very specific, which makes us feel better.
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And the truth might not do that sometimes. The truth which might be, I don't know, I just don't feel the same way as I used to. That might raise more questions for you and might not actually satisfy the ache. Again, I think we have to recognise that someone who behaved in a way that left us desperate for closure, they might not have the clarity to then give to us. Particularly if this person, your ex, has more avoidant attachment patterns. Much of the time they don't have a really clear and concise understanding of their own inner world and their motives and the emotional layers that sit underneath that. So expecting them to be able to offer that to you in a way that brings you relief rather than raises more questions or objections, which, again, I think kind of goes back to the last one where we don't want to have a conversation where we just listen. We want to have almost a negotiation where we can persuade them out of their decision.
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I think we have to recognise there's as much a chance that the closure conversation is going to leave us feeling worse rather than better. And that, again, all signs point to the fact that our peace comes from choosing to give ourselves closure, rather than holding out for a conversation with someone that might be more in the realm of fantasy than reality. So what does another way look like? What does it look like to give yourself? Now? This is going to be challenging for the anxious parts of you that are really dead set on getting it from someone else, on needing an explanation from them, on needing them to tie the bow around it for you. But what I want to offer you is that true closure is a decision to accept reality as it is and to acknowledge that you may never get answers to the questions and that you may never fully understand what happened or why. Just really acknowledging the uncertainty that you're feeling and how hard that is, choosing to accept that it's over, even if you wish that that weren't the case. All of these things are choices that you can make in spite of the way you might be feeling. And it really shifts you from a place of being at the mercy of your feelings to acknowledging your feelings and holding them with so much care and recognition and validation, while also summoning a deeper part of you and calling on that part to lead with action. And, okay, this is feeling so hard right now, but I'm going to choose to support myself through it.
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I'm going to choose to take my power back. I'm not going to wait around for someone who may or may not ever show up to make me feel better. And I'm going to choose myself, right? I'm going to put one foot in front of the other. I'm going to treat moving on as a choice rather than a feeling. This is what it takes to really heal after a breakup rather than spiralling into a place of powerlessness and desperation and low self worth. So realise that closure is a really, really powerful and loving act of self responsibility. It is something that you can choose to give yourself by choosing to close the door, even if there are lots of loose threads and unanswered questions still sitting there. Your growth comes from learning to sit with the discomfort of that rather than frantically trying to undo it or solve it.
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Notice how you're analysing, intellectualising problem solving parts. Guts are trying to take you away from your pain and while that makes so much sense and there's a very loving intention behind that, being with the pain and learning to hold ourselves through it is actually one of the great gifts of going through a breakup and can be such a healing experience. If that's not something that you've ever really done for yourself. If you've only ever numbed out or distracted or reached for someone else to make it better for you, this is a really beautiful opportunity for you to show up for yourself in ways that you may never have before. So I really hope that that's been helpful. I hope it's given you some reframes on how you might be relating to closure and it maybe has shifted you back into a place of agency rather than feeling like you are at the behest of someone else and whether or not they show up for you. And of course I know how hard breakups are, so if you're in the thick of it, I'm sending you so much love. Definitely do check out my free training on breakups because I go into everything that I've shared here in a lot more detail there.
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Okay guys, sending so much love and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
closure after breakup, seeking closure, attachment styles, anxious attachment, breakups, emotional healing, relationship endings, unanswered questions, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, rumination after breakup, moving on, grief after breakup, avoidance, unhealthy relationships, breakup recovery, self-worth, powerlessness after breakup, rejection, unresolved feelings, breakup relief, personal growth, acceptance, emotional pain, agency in healing, reframing closure, loss of attachment, relationship coach, breakups and mental health, practical breakup tools