#233: How to Put an End to Situationships (Once & For All)
Situationships have become an unfortunate hallmark of modern dating. They live in that murky middle ground — more than casual, but not quite a relationship. You might spend time together regularly. You might feel emotionally invested. It might even look like a relationship from the outside.
But it never quite crosses the threshold into clarity, commitment, or mutual intention.
And if you’ve ever found yourself stuck in one — or stuck in a pattern of them — you’ll know just how confusing, draining, and anxiety-provoking they can be.
So let’s talk about how to end situationships once and for all — not just the one you might be in right now, but the cycle itself.
What Actually Creates a Situationship?
Situationships rarely begin that way. They often start with genuine excitement and possibility. There’s a spark. You feel hopeful. You start imagining what it could become.
Then something shifts.
Maybe communication slows. Maybe plans become less frequent. Maybe the energy becomes inconsistent. But there’s still just enough connection to keep you invested.
And this is often the critical turning point.
If you’re someone who fears rejection or struggles with self-worth, the moment you sense someone pulling away is often the moment your confidence to ask for clarity disappears. Instead of asking:
What are we doing here?
What are you looking for?
Here’s what I want… do we align?
You bite your tongue.
You don’t want to push them away. You don’t want to seem needy. You don’t want to risk hearing something painful.
And that moment — when you silence your needs in order to preserve the connection — is the first act of self-abandonment.
Situationships Are Built on Self-Abandonment
Situationships don’t survive on ambiguity alone. They survive because one or both people tolerate that ambiguity.
Often, this looks like:
Pretending you’re “chill” when you’re anxious
Avoiding defining conversations
Downplaying your needs or desires
Accepting crumbs of attention as proof of potential
Over time, this creates a lopsided dynamic where one person holds all the power, and the other feels increasingly small, uncertain, and desperate to be chosen.
And the longer it goes on, the harder it becomes to leave.
Because now you’re invested. Now the sunk-cost mentality kicks in.
I’ve already spent six months… a year… more… surely it must lead somewhere.
But situationships thrive on intermittent reinforcement — just enough reward to keep you hooked, never enough consistency to feel secure.
The Real Way to End Situationships
Ending a situationship isn’t just about ending contact with one person.
It’s about raising your standards for what you’re available for.
And that decision has to happen early, before the emotional investment becomes addictive.
It sounds simple, but it requires something deeply uncomfortable:
You have to decide that clarity, consistency, and reciprocity are non-negotiable.
That means being willing to say:
I’m available for mutual effort.
I’m available for clear communication.
I’m available for consistency and commitment.
If those things aren’t present, I’m not staying.
Not as a threat. Not as a test.
As a genuine boundary.
Because if you are terrified to ask someone what they want, that’s not a sign you should stay quiet — it’s a sign you’re repeating your pattern.
Silencing your needs doesn’t create secure relationships.
It creates prolonged uncertainty and deeper insecurity.
Why This Requires Courage
Many people stay in situationships because they secretly believe this is all that’s available to them.
If you don’t believe you can have a secure, fulfilling partnership, of course you’ll hold on to something that’s inconsistent but present. Something that gives you glimpses of connection.
But the moment you decide you’re no longer available for half-relationships, something shifts.
You stop trying to prove yourself to people who lack the capacity or desire to meet you fully.
You stop investing your emotional energy in dynamics that can’t become what you want.
And instead, you create space for relationships that actually align with your needs.
The Truth About Letting Go
Letting go of a situationship can feel impossibly hard — especially if you’ve invested time, hope, and emotional energy.
But staying doesn’t turn uncertainty into security.
It just prolongs the discomfort.
The real work isn’t convincing someone to choose you.
It’s choosing yourself enough to stop accepting less than what you truly want.
Because the relationships that are meant for you won’t require you to shrink, silence yourself, or live in constant doubt.
They’ll feel mutual. Clear. Grounded.
And that starts with what you decide you’re available for.
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[00:00:00]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to put an end to situationships once and for all. So situationships are this unfortunate trope of modern dating.
[00:00:48]:
Maybe they've always been around, but it feels like they are really deeply embedded in modern dating culture. A situationship is that murky, undefined, not quite a relationship, but more than just, you know, casually sleeping together. Maybe you spend time together regularly, maybe it's been going on for a long time, but it falls short of that threshold of actually declaring, yes, we are in a committed relationship, we are in an exclusive relationship, and we're going to really have both feet in, in all of the ways that tend to follow from being in an actual fully fledged relationship. And I think that while situationships are not the exclusive domain of any attachment style, I think they are particularly common in anxious avoidant dynamics for reasons we'll talk about today. And so there is certainly an attachment overlay, notwithstanding that situationships themselves have nothing to do really with attachment styles. So you can probably tell from the tone of my voice that I'm going to be giving you some tough love today, some hard truths. If you are someone who has been in a situationship, maybe you're in one right now, maybe you've had a string of them, and they kind of behave like relationships, but you are still swirling around in the uncertainty of not really knowing what they are. Maybe someone's resisting labels, all of the things.
[00:02:09]:
You don't want to push them away, and so you just end up walking down this path and, you know, hanging on to the threads of connection that you're getting. We're going to be talking about it today, and I'm going to talk to you about what it takes to really end that cycle for yourself once and for all, in an immediate sense if you're in a situation right now, but also in a bigger picture sense so that that stops being part of your pattern. You know, I've had a lot of students in my courses who struggle is, you know, obviously, as I said, it's a very common thing in modern dating culture. It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of. But I've even had people say that they've been in a situationship for years, like 5+ years. So while it can be a few months, it can also really drag on. And so I don't think there's necessarily a temporal component to this in terms of, you know, defining what a situationship is. I think the defining quality really is that, like, behaving like a relationship while not actually being a relationship.
[00:03:00]:
Before we get into today's episode, just a reminder for anyone who hasn't yet checked it out that I have a free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love. I've had thousands of people come along to this training. It's gotten incredible feedback from all of those who've attended. Amongst other things, I teach you my 3-part framework for healing anxious attachment that forms the basis of my Healing Anxious Attachment program, but I teach that for free in this training. The reasons why you might be stuck despite all of the work that you're doing, because I think we can all agree that most people with anxious attachment patterns are not there for lack of trying. And so oftentimes it's just that our effort is being misdirected, and we need to realise like what's a waste of time and where we could actually be leveraging all of that work that we're doing on ourselves and on our relationships to get the results that we're looking for. And how to know if the problems or the anxiety that you're experiencing is something that you could work on by kind of working on your side of the street, or whether there is something fundamentally like dysfunctional or unacceptable about the relationship dynamic, which I know is something so many people struggle with, is where that line falls. Is it me or is it them, in other words? So I cover all of that in this free training.
[00:04:08]:
Definitely worth checking out. And the link to register for that is in the show notes, or you can head straight to my website and you should be able to find it relatively easily alongside my other free resources. Okay, so let's talk about situationships and how to end them once and for all. Now, I think before we get to the how to end them once and for all, we have to contextualise situationships and look at how we get into them. Because until we realise how we get stuck there, it's going to be really hard to make sure that that doesn't happen again. As I said, while this isn't attachment specific, I think what often happens is two people connect and they start dating and, you know, there's some sort of spark and that feels good. You feel excited, you become attached to the idea of what it could become. You might be seeing each other quite a bit in the beginning and then that might taper off a little, but someone's still reaching out or you're still meeting up.
[00:04:59]:
Maybe you're sleeping together, maybe you're going on dates here and there, but probably at a pace that has slowed down and that infuses the relationship with some uncertainty. And when you feel that someone is maybe starting to slip away a little, or that, you know, their interest is waning, the likelihood that you, if you are someone who struggles with a fear of rejection, who struggles with low self-esteem, unworthiness, the likelihood that at that point you're going to ask for clarity, that you're going to have those big conversations around like, what are you wanting? What are we doing here? Here's what I want. Your confidence to have those conversations is probably already impeded by the fact that you're sensing a shift in them and you're feeling like they're already slipping away. And so you're afraid to confront the possible truth of what they do or don't want. And so you hold on, right? And that point at which you first decide to bite your tongue, to not have the conversation, even though you're ruminating on it and you're feeling anxious and you're really suffering from the uncertainty, that's the first point of self-abandonment. Abandonment. You know, people so often ask like, how do I make sure I don't self-abandon in future? That's often like the tell. When I'm feeling really stressed and anxious and uncertain and I'm kind of tiptoeing and I'm avoiding conversations because I'm scared of what they might reveal, that's a really telltale sign that we're firmly in our pattern of self-abandonment.
[00:06:26]:
And situationships are essentially like one long drawn-out expression of our self-abandonment and the ways in which that can enable someone else's avoidance, right? And, you know, there's a whole other conversation to be had there around, you know, the fact that we can point the finger at someone else for being avoidant, but avoiding those conversations is us being avoidant as well. So I think we can be a little humble when we blame other people for their avoidance, because we can absolutely be guilty of that as well, just in a different expression. Our avoidance is about holding on to someone rather than keeping them at arm's length. So that's what that often looks like. And while that's the seed, this sense of like I was initially excited and attached. It was feeling good until it wasn't, but it's still got enough of a flicker there that I don't want to lose it. And I'm hoping that I can salvage it and bring them closer again. And so I don't want to do anything that's going to jeopardise that.
[00:07:17]:
So I don't want to have any big conversations. I don't want to ask them for clarity, you know, I don't want to push them away with my neediness. And so I'll just like put a lid on all of that and keep, you know, being chill, being low maintenance, being cool, you know, not asking for anything, going with the flow and pretending that I'm fine with that when really inwardly I'm very stressed and anxious and insecure. And the more we go down that path, the more insecure we feel, the more we've put this person on a pedestal, and crucially, the more invested we become in securing a happy ending to the story. So if it's dragged on for 6 months, then that sunk cost mentality of like, oh my God, I've been doing this for 6 months, I've really got to lock it down, like I've really got to get them to choose me. And so we just keep trying to stuff away all of the things that we feel would make us harder to choose or harder to love, like having needs or expectations or boundaries, you know, asserting any sense of self beyond just being low maintenance and easy. And so we get these very lopsided relationship dynamics where one person is holding all of the keys to the kingdom and the other one is feeling really small, really anxious, desperate to be chosen, even though the relationship is inherently pretty unfulfilling and the bar is so low. You might be seeing this person once a week, if that.
[00:08:34]:
You know, they might randomly show up at your house or your apartment and you sleep together and spend the night, and then you don't hear from them again. But that's enough to keep you invested. And, you know, as I've talked about many times, when the reward is so unpredictable, it feels so much better. You know, the win feels like a much bigger win when we're so accustomed to losing. And so a huge part of ending this cycle for ourselves is seeing it for what it is. And actually just radically raising the bar on what we are available for. And that has to happen early because it's frankly really addictive. It plays on those same mechanisms that drive a lot of addiction.
[00:09:14]:
Once we get to that point when we're so invested, when we feel like we're in so deep and the rewards are so intermittent and unpredictable that they do register as these massive wins when we get them, and it's just enough to keep us going. We really want to get ourselves out of it before we get into it that deep. And part of that is going like, here's what I am available for. Consistency, predictability, sustained effort and interest, balance, reciprocity, mutual effort, you know, clarity, direct communication, openness. If those things are missing, I don't want it. That has to be your standard. If you are biting your tongue, terrified to have a conversation with someone because you're terrified that if you ask them how they're feeling and, you know, whether they want to make it official, they'll say no and leave you. That's not your cue to just shut up and keep holding on.
[00:10:03]:
That is not your cue to just, you know, be quiet and hope that if you're the perfect partner with zero needs, then they'll choose you of their own volition. That's your signal that you are in your pattern, right? It's like, oh, I'm doing that thing that I do where I try and suppress all of my needs and go with the flow so that someone wants me. That is not how you get to a secure relationship. That is not how you heal those deep wounds of unworthiness and self-devaluation that driving this cycle. You actually have to be courageous enough to want more and to believe that you can have more so that you stop accepting less, right? Because we will always— if we really deeply believe that that's all that's available to us, these half-assed situationships that are undefined, that leave us feeling anxious and confused— if we believe that that's all that's on offer, then that's what we're going to settle for. That's what we're going to accept. Right? Of course. Because if I don't believe that I can have anything better or different than this, then I'll just take what I can get.
[00:11:06]:
Particularly if I am someone who really longs for connection and longs to be chosen, then I'll just put all of my eggs in the basket of this relationship, even though it's so obviously unsatisfactory and confusing and insecure and unpredictable and hot and cold and all of the things. So it really does start with a decision that you're not available for that anymore. You have to choose that, and you have to stand by it. You have to not just declare it in your journal, you actually have to start behaving in a way that reflects that new standard that you're setting for your relationships. Because until you do that— and no one's going to do that for you, because there are plenty of people who will happily benefit from the upside of a situationship that they get, being connection on demand without the downside of responsibility and commitment and all the mess that goes along with being in an actual relationship, right? Because relationships do, they require a level of sacrifice, of, you know, consistency, of showing up for someone, of compromise, of vulnerability, of risk-taking, you know, of having hard conversations. And not everyone is wanting that. Not everyone's ready for it. Not everyone is looking for it.
[00:12:20]:
And that's okay. That doesn't make them bad people, but it does make them a bad match for you if that is what you are looking for. And you just have to be willing to release people who are not looking for what you're looking for. Because the alternative is that, you know, you will continue in these unspoken, undefined relationships with people who are more than happy to benefit from them and take what you are so willingly, lovingly giving to them because you're not asking for anything more, because you're so afraid, right? Because you're so afraid of losing them, because you so desperately want to be chosen. But oftentimes we don't even realise that we're like pining after someone. We are working overtime to try and be chosen by someone who is never going to choose us, no matter how amazing we are, because that's just not what their capacity is, or it's not what their desire is. They're not looking for that. So we need to stop looking for a secure, healthy partnership somewhere where it's never going to be found.
[00:13:13]:
And again, that is our responsibility, that is our decision, that is our choice. Where am I going to invest my precious time and energy if I am wanting a secure partnership? It's not about trying to salvage the sunk cost of, oh, but I've been in this for a year, can I really just give up now? And I understand why that can feel feels so impossible. And of course, everything within us wants to believe that it's suddenly going to change and, oh, we're so close. But I think, again, oftentimes we need to really step back and zoom out and go, is there any world in which, knowing what I know about reality, that this is going to suddenly blossom into a healthy, balanced, secure partnership? Very unlikely if you've been in that situationship territory for such a long time, because what those dynamics tend to set up pronounced power asymmetries, and it's really hard to build off the back of that. Okay, so that's the long pep talk, and I hope you know, as always, that it is delivered with love and best intentions. But I think sometimes we do just have to hear it, even though it might not be what we want to hear. I hope that that helps. I'm sending you lots of love.
[00:14:15]:
And I also should have mentioned at the start, I have a new attachment quiz on my website and an accompanying 30-page ultimate guide to attachment, which is all totally free. So maybe if you're newer around here or if you've been around here a while and want to do a quiz, go cheque that out because it's a really good one. I tried to put a lot of thought into the questions and the answers rather than it just being a kind of basic entry-level attachment quiz. So I hope that it is revealing for you and that you learn something both from the quiz and the guide. Sending you lots of love. Look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
situationships, modern dating, anxious attachment, avoidant dynamics, attachment styles, self-abandonment, fear of rejection, relationship anxiety, low self-esteem, unworthiness, clarity in relationships, communication, relationship patterns, emotional investment, inconsistent relationships, commitment issues, secure relationships, choosing a partner, boundaries, mutual effort, reciprocity, vulnerability, risk-taking, sunk cost, relationship standards, addictive relationship cycles, power asymmetry, healthy partnership, ending situationships, online dating culture