#212: How & When to Start Dating Again After a Break-up
There’s no denying it—breakups are hard. They shake our sense of safety, bring up old wounds, and leave us questioning what’s next. But after a period of healing, reflection, and rebuilding, many people find themselves asking: When will I be ready to date again?
If you’ve been through a breakup and you’re starting to feel that little spark of curiosity about dating again—but you’re not quite sure whether it’s too soon—this post is for you.
Below, we’ll explore signs that you may not be ready just yet, signs that you might be, and how to approach dating again with clarity, self-respect, and emotional grounding.
There’s No “Magic Number” for Readiness
First things first: there’s no timeline. You can’t mark your calendar for “three months post-breakup” and declare yourself healed and ready to date again.
Every breakup is different. The ending of a long-term relationship that’s been slowly unraveling might require a different kind of healing than a short but intense connection that ended abruptly. And depending on how you process emotions, what your attachment patterns look like, and what support systems you have in place, your healing journey will be unique to you.
Readiness isn’t a permanent state—it’s fluid. You might feel ready one week and retreat inward the next. That’s normal. The goal isn’t to find certainty, but to stay attuned to your needs and emotions as they shift.
Signs You Might Not Be Ready Yet
Here are a few clues that it may be worth giving yourself more time before diving back into dating:
1. You’re Still Fixated on Your Ex
If your thoughts still revolve around your ex—what they’re doing, who they’re seeing, how things ended, or how they wronged you—it’s a sign there’s still pain to process. Obsessing over their social media or venting about them to anyone who will listen might provide temporary relief, but it’s often a sign that your emotional energy is still deeply tied to them.
2. You Haven’t Reflected on the Relationship
Before starting something new, it’s vital to understand what went wrong in your last relationship—and what role you played in that dynamic.
Where did you self-abandon? Where did you silence your needs or ignore your intuition? Without this reflection, you risk repeating the same patterns with someone new.
3. You’re Using Dating to Avoid Pain
If you’re dating because you’re lonely, want to prove something to your ex, or simply don’t want to feel the grief anymore, pause. Dating from that place often leads to disconnection and disappointment. Ask yourself: Am I doing this to heal or to hide?
A good litmus test:
Would I want to date someone who’s in the emotional space I’m in right now?
If the answer is no, it might be time to give yourself more space before bringing someone new into your world.
Signs You Might Be Ready to Date Again
On the flip side, there are some beautiful signs that you may be ready to open your heart again—gently, intentionally, and with self-awareness.
1. The Emotional Intensity Has Softened
You no longer feel that deep charge when you think about your ex. You can reflect on the relationship without spiraling into grief, anger, or rumination. You might even wish them well and genuinely mean it.
2. You Feel Curious and Open
When you start noticing people again—finding them attractive, feeling open to new experiences, or even feeling a flicker of excitement at the idea of connection—that’s a good sign your heart is slowly reopening. You’re beginning to look forward rather than backward.
3. You’re Clear on What You Want
You’ve taken time to clarify your values, boundaries, and non-negotiables. You know what self-respect looks like for you, and you’re prepared to uphold it. That clarity allows you to approach dating with discernment, rather than desperation.
Managing Expectations: The Realities of Dating Again
Even when you are ready, dating after a breakup can bring up old emotions. You might go on a date and suddenly feel a wave of grief, longing, or sadness. That doesn’t mean you’re not ready—it just means you’re human.
Starting fresh with someone new can be both exciting and confronting. You’re reminded of how much familiarity and safety existed in your past relationship, and it can feel daunting to begin again. Instead of interpreting those feelings as regression, see them as part of the process.
Approach dating like an experiment, not a performance. You’re allowed to take it slow, to pull back if something doesn’t feel right, and to protect your peace. Healing doesn’t mean you never feel discomfort—it means you trust yourself to navigate it when it arises.
A Grounding Question to Guide You
If you take one thing away from this, let it be this question:
Would I want to step into the emotional space I’m in right now as someone new?
If the answer feels like a yes—or even a soft maybe—then perhaps it’s time to gently open the door again. If not, that’s okay too. The goal isn’t to rush your healing, but to honor it.
When you start dating again from a place of self-respect, clarity, and openness, you set the stage for something far healthier and more fulfilling than anything you’ve known before.
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how and when to start dating again after a breakup. So if you've been through a breakup in the last few months, maybe even longer, and you've had a period of time to turn inwards to focus on yourself, which by the way, is certainly what I recommend after a breakup, I think rushing back into things as a way to distract ourselves or bypass the pain and the grief is probably just kicking the can down the road and delaying the inevitable because whatever wounds we're carrying, we're going to have to face eventually. But in any case, if you've been through a breakup and then you've had some time and you're feeling like maybe I'm ready to start dating again, but you're not really sure, I'm going to be offering some thoughts in this episode as to signs that you might be ready, signs that you might not be ready, and just some tips around managing your expectations of what it's likely to look like as you dip your toe back in, as you venture out into the world of dating so that you can do that in a way that feels really supported and not rushed and not pressured, while also, as I said, managing expectations around possible grief that might come up anxiety. All of those other feelings which I actually think are really normal and not necessarily a sign that something's wrong. And I think really, like at the heart of everything we're going to talk about today is knowing how to attune to yourself and be really honest about where you're at and what you're needing and what feels right for you, and continually checking in with that because of course it's subject to change.
[00:02:06]:
It's not a one and done thing. Before we get into today's episode, a quick reminder about a few of my free resources. If you're new around here or maybe you just haven't gotten around to checking some of them out. I have a couple of free trainings at the moment on how to heal anxious attachment and also healing from a breakup. So if you're in either of those camps, someone who's just wanting to work on their anxious attachment patterns or someone who's feeling really stuck After a breakup and wanting specific guidance on how to move through that process in the healthiest way possible. Definitely check out one or both of my free trainings because that will give you a really nice starting point and orientation as to what to focus on, which I think can always be helpful. If we're feeling a bit rudderless and like we're treading water during a tough period. I think just having a plan and having a sense of the path ahead can be so, so supportive for our nervous system.
[00:02:58]:
Okay, so let's talk about how and when to start dating again after a breakup. So now for those of you who were hoping that I'd be able to give you a magic number. Of course I can't give you a magic number because everyone is so different. The circumstances that lead up to a breakup are so different. The way that we move through breakups is so different. As between us, there are just a million and one variables that mean that it's really very personal and very subjective. This state of readiness is not one that I can be the arbiter of on your behalf. For some people, they might be ready after a month, others might take a year.
[00:03:33]:
And neither is better or worse. It's not like you're superior if you're ready to date again and you're over it quickly. I think that any kind of judgement around that is very arbitrary and kind of misses the point, which is that actually allowing ourselves time and space to grieve and process and learn and grow after a breakup, I think is, as I said, a really beautiful and wise thing to do. But, you know, it can also depend on how long you were in the relationship for and, you know, how long of a road it was to the ending. If it was a really slow death, you might have started grieving before it ended. You might have kind of processed the fact that it was going to end for the six months prior to it actually ending. And so it doesn't take you that long to get into a state of readiness to explore something new. Whereas if you were really blindsided and it caught you off guard, then that might take a lot longer to process.
[00:04:27]:
And again, neither is better or worse. It's just a matter of circumstances and your unique way of processing it and whatever it might have brought up for you. Because we all have our own template, we all have our own stories that breakups can activate within us. So all of that to say, I'm sorry, but I can't give you a magic number. And also, I think the. The other thing to acknowledge about Readiness is that being ready to date again is not a fixed state and it's not like a one way door that once we're ready, there's no turning back. Right. I think it's more fluid than that.
[00:05:03]:
And we might have some feelings of readiness or we might have some curiosity and interest in maybe going out there again and exploring what it might look like. Maybe you sign up to one of the apps and start having a look around and that might be like step one in the readiness, but you're not actually ready to talk to anyone, or you're not really ready to go on a date, or you're not really ready to do anything beyond that. It's not just ready or not, it's not binary. And that's fine. You don't have to have absolute certainty around all of those things. I think you can experiment and kind of play with it. With the caveat that being really attuned to yourself and where you're at and what you're needing as you go, I think is very wise. With that being said, I do want to offer some signs that you maybe are not ready or could use some more time to process and reflect and grieve and do whatever else you need to do.
[00:06:00]:
And then some signs that you maybe are in the headspace that you might want to get back out there if that feels aligned for you. So signs that you're maybe not ready yet or that it's maybe too soon are that you're still really consumed by thoughts of your ex. So if you are deep in the rumination, if you're still talking about them all the time to anyone who'll listen and you're still obsessing over how could they do that? And you know, what's wrong with them? And they're so toxic and you're still following all of the Instagram accounts that feed you, all of the things about your toxic ex and how bad they are, and you're watching YouTube videos and you're doing all of the things that's probably speaking to the fact that you've got a lot of unprocessed pain and that having your pain so front and centre, which I think when we are fixating on our ex and why they would do that, that does say that there's a lot of pain that I'm still holding around this ending. That's probably not a great headspace and emotional space from which to be going and connecting with someone else. Because you are going to be showing up to that with all of that unprocessed pain and that's generally not going to play well for you. So if you're still very much in the trenches and in the thick of it, terms of fixating on your ex and obsessing over what they're doing and being very shook up by that, then that's probably a good sign that there's still some work to be done before you get back out there. Another really important sign that it's maybe too soon or that it would be worth waiting a little longer is that you haven't actually taken time to reflect on what went wrong with the relationship that has ended. What was your part in it and what comes next? What do you actually want? What are you looking for in a partner? What are your standards? If you haven't gone through that reflective process, then there's a really good chance that you're just going to be led by abstract nebulous concepts like chemistry and spark.
[00:07:52]:
And chemistry and spark are great, but without knowing what your values are, knowing what your standards are, they're probably going to lead you to familiar places. And if you've got a long history of relationships that have maybe followed not so healthy patterns, then just relying on attraction as your guiding light, as your yardstick, that's probably going to mean pattern repeats rather than pattern shifts. So having real clarity around, okay, where did I maybe misstep in that relationship? Where did I self abandon? Where did I override my own limits or boundaries? Where did I not speak up for myself? Where did I neglect my own needs in order to keep the peace? Whatever it looked like for you, and how am I going to be clearer around that for myself so that I don't end up there again? I think that that's really, really important work to do between relationships and ideally doing it before you've got someone in front of you that you're really excited about. And you are more likely to try and fit a square peg into a round hole. If you're just really drawn to them and really excited, then it's easy to kind of drop all of those standards. And all of the things that we've said are non negotiables. All of a sudden we're like, yeah, but I really like them. And particularly if you have anxious attachment patterns, we know that that feelings carry so much weight.
[00:09:15]:
So try and get really clear before you're in the haze of attraction and chemistry and excitement about someone. I think that that is incredibly wise and self responsible to do that work between relationships. Okay. And the third sign that you might not be Ready is that if you feel like being honest with yourself, you're just dating as a way to numb out, distract, avoid pain, rather than because it's something that you feel good about and aligned about and excited about, and you feel like you're doing it from a place, self worth and knowing who you are and knowing what you're looking for. As I was kind of just talking about getting honest around, like, what purpose is this serving right now? Am I doing it to compete with my ex? Because I've seen that they're dating again and so I feel like I have to in order to kind of keep pace with them. All of those things are not good motives. And so really just tuning into, like, what is this really about for me? And does that feel like a clean intention and a clean energy from which I am choosing to engage with this? And I think a really good overarching barometer or litmus test when it comes to the energy that we're carrying around our past relationship and thinking about dating again is, would I want to date someone who is in the headspace that I'm in with respect to their ex? So going back to that first one around, like, still really in the anger and the bitterness and the obsessive rumination about them and stalking them on social media, that's not really something that someone else would want to come into. Right? There's still another main character in your relational sphere that doesn't leave much space for a new person to slot into in an appropriate way, in a way that they'd be comfortable with if they had all of that information.
[00:10:56]:
So being really honest with yourself and going, is there really space for someone new here? Or am I still tethered to them? And would someone new, and particularly someone who's, like, healthy and secure is the kind of partner that I want, Would they be interested in coming into this dynamic? Is there space, space for them? Or am I still kind of holding onto my ex? Or is my ex still occupying that role of love interest in my life even though the relationship has ended? Okay, so turning now to some signs that you might be ready. And they're kind of the flip side of the signs that you're not. But the first one being that the emotional intensity is kind of softened. So you don't feel a lot of charge when you think about your ex. You're not really easily triggered or upset, or you don't feel like your stomach churns every time you think about them. I mean, a really good one is thinking about them being with someone Else doesn't make you want to vomit. Now, I think, of course, with the caveat that it's normal that the idea of your ex dating someone new doesn't feel amazing and bring a smile to your face. It may, and that's lovely if it does.
[00:11:55]:
But you don't have to be super stoked about the idea of your ex dating someone new. But I think if it makes you want to hide under the blankets for two weeks, then maybe again, you're still too deep in it, you're still relating to them as being your partner. So if you feel kind of neutral about that or you feel mostly fine, you don't feel a lot of charge when you think about your ex. Those are all good signs that you've probably processed it enough time has passed, you've kind of reflected, you've done the work around whatever emotions might have been tied up with the breakup, such that you can look back on it with a little more neutrality and kind of wish them well, but not be super invested in what they're doing and their choices, all of that stuff. So that's a really good sign if you're feeling a lot less emotional intensity or even emotional neutrality when you think about your ex. The next one is, and it sounds kind of obvious, but you're feeling a level of openness and curiosity and maybe even excitement at the idea of meeting new people. So I think when a breakup is really fresh, oftentimes the idea of going out and dating fills us with dread. The idea of starting from scratch with someone new feels so hard and like the last thing we want.
[00:13:07]:
And we can't even contemplate the idea of dating someone new because we still relate to our ex as being our partner and that feels almost disloyal. So a really good sign that you're starting to move towards readiness is that you start to notice people you know, as you move through your day, you start to notice people who you maybe find attractive. Or your energy shifts towards being open to new connections and you're feeling a level of curiosity, if not excitement around the idea of dating again and what that might look like. You become a bit more future oriented and a bit more open minded about what the future might hold. And that starts to feel hopeful and optimistic rather than grief stricken. I think that's a really good sign that you're maybe shifting into the energy of being ready to dip your toe back in and explore new connections and dating new people. And finally, and again, this is kind of the flip side of one of the signs you're not ready is you have done the inner work and you've gotten intentional around. What am I looking for here? What are my values? What are my non negotiables? What are my deal breakers? What am I available for? What am I not available for? What will I not entertain? And I think particularly if maybe it's been a while in between relationships.
[00:14:19]:
So if you were in a long term relationship and you're getting onto dating apps and maybe you've not been in the dating sphere for a few years, things have probably changed in the dating world. I mean, I personally have never been on dating apps just because life hasn't unfolded that way for me. I've kind of always been in long term relationships, but certainly I've heard a lot of people say that it's a bit of a jungle out there. And so I think that having real clarity around self respect looks like for you in that environment where you may have to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince, so to speak. And like having a really strong mindset as you go into it, having a solid basis of self worth because there may be rejection, there may be disappointment, there may be setbacks, you're not going to be super compatible with everyone, There will probably be people who you're chatting with and then they ghost you or what like all of that might be par for the course. And if you're not going into that arena with a really strong internal foundation of what your boundaries are, what you're available for and like a decent base of self worth, then it's really easy to take all of that and spiral and internalise it and take it very personally or end up just chasing attention from whoever will give it to you, which. Which of course is probably not going to lead you where you want to go. So I think having done a bit of work for yourself and trying to clean up your mindset around whatever stories you might have around dating, like all the good ones are taken or it's just a dumpster fire and it's some awful thing I have to endure, that's not going to be really, you know, clean, attractive energy to be going into dating with.
[00:15:57]:
So trying to shift your mindset into something that is a bit more genuinely hopeful but also really clear around, I'm not going to tolerate that. I'm not going to entertain that if someone like disappears for three weeks and then comes back into my DMs again, I'm not really interested in that because that tells me everything that I need to know. So having all of that laid out for yourself is a really good thing to do before you get back out there. Now it's so normal to feel like you might be ready and to feel optimistic and feel hopeful and then to, for example, go on a date with someone and be hit with a massive wave of grief and feel suddenly very disheartened and feel like you miss your ex intensely, even though you haven't even really been thinking about them that much. And that makes so much sense, right? And it's probably not about your. It's just about the reality of the situation hitting you. That starting from scratch with someone new can be really exciting, but it can also be really daunting. And you realise how much legwork had been put into the previous relationship, how much you had invested in terms of just familiarity and ease and getting to know each other and all of the stuff that felt really natural and familiar there and realising the loss of that by contrast with this new person who doesn't know anything about you and you don't know anything about them and you don't really know what they're saying.
[00:17:09]:
Sense of humour as yet. And all of those things, you might be reminded when you have that experience of going on a date with someone new, of things that you've lost that maybe you weren't focusing on. So I just wanted to offer that having kind of another wave of grief or sadness or longing hit you after going on a date with someone new, I think that that's actually really normal. It doesn't have to mean anything. It doesn't mean, wait, am I still in love with my ex? I think it just can bring our awareness back to some of the things that, that we've lost and that we have to start again on. And that can feel a bit daunting and overwhelming. And I think that sometimes managing our expectations around that can help to soften it and not send us spiralling into meaning making around it. So I hope that that's been helpful.
[00:17:54]:
And I just really want to emphasise that dating again is not like I'm perfectly healed and have no emotional history or baggage or residue. Like obviously we're all just out there doing our best and you don't have to hold yourself to an impossible standard and feel like you need to be totally 100% healed before you're allowed to go and talk to anyone or meet anyone or explore anything. But I think it is just finding that balance between self responsibility and respect for ourselves and the other person as well. And I think that question that I put to you earlier of am I in a space that someone else would want to come into right now? I think that's a really good guiding question and can kind of cut through all of the noise of the other stuff. So if in doubt, if you take anything away from this episode, take that question of would I want to step into the space of how I'm feeling about my ex right now as someone new? Does this feel like a welcoming space for a potential partner to step into and a potential partner of the calibre that I'm looking for and the quality and the standard that I'm looking for and that I really want for myself? Can I get myself to a place where I feel like I'm going to attract that which I'm looking for rather than inviting someone into a very like, messy, unfinished business kind of situation? Okay guys, thank you so much for joining me. As I said at the start, if you want to go deeper into some of this stuff, definitely check out those free trainings, my Anxious Attachment starter kit. I have a whole host of free resources on my website that I really encourage you to dig into. Otherwise, thanks so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
[00:19:31]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
dating after breakup, emotional readiness, signs you're not ready to date, signs you’re ready to date, relationship recovery, breakup healing, anxious attachment, healing anxious attachment, grieving a breakup, self-reflection after breakup, managing expectations, dating apps, moving on from an ex, personal growth, emotional intensity, self-worth, boundaries in dating, values in relationships, non-negotiables, avoiding distraction, conscious dating, patterns in relationships, relationship standards, starting over, romantic relationships, post-breakup reflection, attachment styles, nervous system support, emotional neutrality, dealing with rejection, healthy relationships