#220: 3 Hard Truths About Changing Your Life
As we approach the beginning of a new year, many of us find ourselves sitting in a strange in-between space. There’s reflection on what’s been, anticipation of what could be, and often a quiet (or not so quiet) awareness that something needs to change.
New Year’s energy can be complicated. On one hand, it can feel arbitrary or pressure-filled — as though the calendar flips and we’re suddenly meant to reinvent ourselves overnight. On the other hand, when approached with intention rather than shame, this time of year can offer a powerful pause point. A moment to reflect, clarify, and decide how we want to move forward.
If you’re on the cusp of change — or have been circling the same decision for a long time — here are three hard truths about changing your life that may help orient you toward courage, self-trust, and forward motion.
Hard Truth #1: There Is Never Going to Be a Perfect Time
If you’re waiting until you feel ready, calm, confident, or certain before making a big change, you may be waiting indefinitely.
Big changes are, by nature, destabilising. Whether it’s leaving a relationship, changing careers, moving cities, or redefining how you live, your nervous system is wired to prefer the familiar — even when the familiar is deeply unsatisfying. So of course it’s going to tell you: It’s too much. It’s too overwhelming. Not now.
That voice can be incredibly persuasive. It can freeze your body, cloud your thinking, and make even the first step feel impossible. But this doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong — it means you’re human.
The hard truth is that readiness often comes after action, not before it. Confidence is built through movement, not through waiting for anxiety to disappear. You don’t need a 100-step plan or total certainty. You just need the willingness to take the next step — and then the one after that.
Readiness is a choice before it becomes a feeling.
Hard Truth #2: Using the Fear of Regret as a Compass Will Keep You Stuck
One of the most paralysing questions people ask themselves when facing change is: What if I regret it?
What if I regret leaving?
What if I regret staying?
What if I make the wrong choice?
When fear of regret becomes the primary decision-making tool, the result is often inaction. Time passes, nothing changes, and the fear remains — because one half of that fear is always what if I regret not doing anything at all?
The truth is, we don’t get a crystal ball. Outcomes are only partially within our control, and regret is often judged in hindsight based not just on our choices, but on countless variables we couldn’t have predicted or controlled.
So instead of asking, Which path guarantees I won’t regret this? — a question that will never bring the certainty anxiety is craving — a more grounded question is:
How can I show up in a way that I’ll be proud of?
How can I lead from integrity and alignment with my values?
When your decisions are guided by who you want to be — not by an imagined future outcome — you’re far less likely to look back and feel ashamed of yourself. You may still feel sadness or grief, but you’ll know you acted from self-respect.
One important distinction here: if you already know you regret the life you’re living right now, that’s not hypothetical fear — that’s present-moment truth. And that truth deserves your attention.
Hard Truth #3: Your Life Will Change When Your Standards Change
Much of what makes up our lives is shaped by what we’re willing to tolerate.
This isn’t about blaming yourself for how others have treated you. But it is about recognising your agency. Your standards — in relationships, work, health, environment, and self-talk — quietly set the tone for your life.
If you expect flakiness, emotional unavailability, or chronic disappointment, you’re more likely to tolerate it. And when you tolerate it, it stays in your world.
Raising your standards doesn’t mean controlling others — it means becoming unavailable for what drains you, diminishes you, or leaves you feeling resentful and depleted. It’s an act of self-respect that often requires sacrifice, courage, and the willingness to walk away from things you once fought hard to keep.
This is especially difficult for people with anxious attachment patterns, where the instinct is to hold on, try harder, and hope for change. But sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to close the door on what continues to cost you your vitality.
Your life will change when you decide what is — and is no longer — acceptable.
A Final Word
If these truths feel confronting, they’re meant to. But they’re offered with deep belief in your capacity to create a meaningful, aligned life.
No matter where you are right now — no matter what you regret, what didn’t work, or what you wish you’d done differently — you can always course correct. Shame doesn’t help you change, but self-honesty does.
There will never be a perfect time, which means now is good enough.
Change begins when you decide.
And as uncomfortable as it may be, no one is coming to rescue you.
That responsibility is also your power.
You are capable of making brave, loving decisions that honour your worth. And I am cheering you on every step of the way.
You might also like…
[00:00:00]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am sharing three hard truths about changing your life. And it's something that I wanted to share it. Being on the cusp of a new year now, I know that a lot of people have kind of mixed feelings around the whole New Year, New Me energy and the tradition of setting resolutions and all of those things. And certainly I think that if your New Year's resolutions are just things that you pluck out of thin air, or the same thing that you've said for the last 10 years, and there's no real plan or structure or follow through behind it, then certainly I think that can actually do more harm than good. Because whether it's New Year's resolutions or anything else, I think when we make commitments that we don't follow through on, that is really an effective way to erode self trust and self respect. But for me, New Year always carries a really potent energy.
[00:00:58]:
And it's a time that I personally love to sit down and reflect on the year that's been and set clear intentions for myself for the coming year. And I have all of these in the one little book for the past few years. And it's amazing to read back on my reflections and my intentions and to see how those things unfolded, often in unexpected ways. But it's really powerful and very deeply satisfying to me to see how those things came to fruition or maybe took unexpected turns. But nonetheless, it's always a very fruitful and meaningful exercise for me. And while I think it can feel kind of arbitrary, you know that the clock ticks over and suddenly you're meant to shed all your skin and step into a new version of yourself. And to the extent that all of that kind of messaging and content is coming from a not enough place or a shamey place where you feel like you should be further along or you suddenly have to become someone different in order to feel like you're doing it right, I think we can like put all of that in the bin, put all that to one side, drown that out as much as you can. But certainly for me, and maybe for you as well, there is something really nice and meaningful and reflective about using this time of year and the turning over of a new leaf to clarify our intentions to more decisive, to be clear about what we want and what we're working towards, what matters to us, what we value and what kind of life we're building.
[00:02:29]:
Because to me that's the difference between kind of drifting on open seas or actually clearly sailing towards a destination. If we don't know where we're going or what we're aiming for, where we don't want to be going, then there's every chance that we're going to end up somewhere that we don't want to be. So that's really the intention behind today's episode, is to offer you some food for thought and these hard truths around making big changes. If that feels like something you're on the cusp of or that you've been putting off for a long time, that you've been avoiding, just really reminding you that now is as good a time as ever and calling you forward into more courage and more self trust as we enter the New Year. Now, just before I get into these three hard truths, I wanted to remind you about my upcoming 28 day secure self challenge. It's kicking off on the 12th of January. Early bird pricing is available until the 1st of January, so if you would like to join, please do. You can still join up to the challenge start date, but it'll be a slightly lower cost if you join sooner rather than later.
[00:03:36]:
But yeah, I'd love to spend 28 days with you focusing on building really deep, solid self worth. Because if you've been around here a while, you'd know that I'm a big believer in self worth as the bedrock, the foundation that makes everything else flow a little more easefully. Whether that's relationships, friendships, work, all of it is going to benefit from you building self worth. And in the challenge we go through week by week, self compassion, self regulation, self advocacy and self trust. It's my lowest cost offering, so it's a nice entry point. If you have been interested in doing one of my programmes, it's a really great place to start. So the link to that is in the show notes or you can head to my website as well. Okay, so let's talk about three hard truths about changing your life.
[00:04:23]:
The first one is there is never going to be a perfect time. So waiting until you feel ready is going to leave you waiting for a really long time. And maybe you already know that because maybe you have been waiting for a convenient time to make a big change and you keep kicking the can down the road. You keep reaching for excuses or justifications or reasons why it feels imperfect or too much right now or overwhelming. And all of that is totally valid, right? Because it probably is overwhelming to think about making a big change. Whether that's to work, whether that's to a relationship, whether that's to where you're living. It's really natural that your nervous system is going to steer you away from doing something that feels destabilising, even if you know it's needed and it's the right thing. It's going to take a lot of courage and, and decisive action, even in the face of all of that imperfect timing, if you are wanting to make a big change.
[00:05:24]:
So it's really important that we understand that in many ways the odds are against us, or at least our system is going to heavily tilt towards maintaining the status quo. And that can be very persuasive because our nervous system is also the thing telling us it's too much, it's too overwhelming, don't do it. And that voice can feel very loud and it affects everything. It's like our whole body can seize up and go into a freeze response and feel like I can't even think about taking the first step, let alone all of the steps after that. So that's just something to be really aware of and it's not something to override or dismiss. But if we want to make big changes, recognising that, it's a bit of a fallacy to be waiting for the right time or the perfect time, or a feeling of readiness. Oftentimes readiness is something that comes from action. It's a choice, and we create momentum through the doing, rather than waking up one day and going, great, today's the day I feel ready and I'm not anxious about it anymore, or I have total clarity, or I have 100% confidence that this is the right thing.
[00:06:30]:
Oftentimes we have to get the ball rolling and we have to take the first step, or maybe the first few steps before that confidence starts to build, before we have a sense of like, okay, I'm doing this and I can do this. But it is that sense of confidence coming from action rather than, like, thinking our way to the perfect plan and the perfect time, and taking anxiety or uncertainty as a sign that it's not the right time yet or that we're not ready. I often teach the same thing. You might have heard me say it around breakups that, like, moving on is a choice before it's a feeling. And I think the same thing is true here, that readiness has to be a choice before it becomes a feeling. And we actually have to step into that realm of in between, of transition, of discomfort, and expect it to feel really wobbly while still leading from the part of us that knows, like, this is the way and this is what my integrity is calling me Forward into. Even if I don't have all the answers right now, even if it feels like imperfect timing, I just have to take the first step and then I have to take the next step and the next step. And I don't need to know what the next 100 steps are.
[00:07:38]:
I do just have to lean into forward motion and trust myself to fit. Figure it out as I go. That was certainly, as a little side note for anyone who doesn't know, I used to be a corporate lawyer. And when I quit my job to become a coach, I did not have a fully fledged plan. I did not have certainty that it was going to work out. I didn't really have a lot of answers, but I had a really strong sense of this is what I want. This feels right. This feels so enlivening.
[00:08:06]:
And so it was a matter of just figuring out, like, what's the first step? Okay, I've got the first step, let's do it. And actually leaning into all of the unknowns and all of the uncertainty and all of the possibilities and choosing to trust myself to figure it out, rather than having all the answers before I took action. Now, the next hard truth, which is sort of related, is using the fear of regret as a compass in your decision making is generally not going to be helpful and will probably keep you stuck. So this is something that I encounter all the time, is people feel very frozen, paralysed, when they're on the cusp of a big change or a big decision because they are consumed by this question of, what if I regret it? If it's a relationship, what if I regret leaving, what if I regret staying? And I'm so terrified of the possibility of regretting my choice that I do nothing right, that I just stay where I am and then time goes on and that doesn't go away, that fear of regret. Because one half of that fear is, what if I regret not taking action? And so I think we need to just put that question aside, let that not be the focus, because the reality is we'll never know that the outcome is only partially within our control. We quite unfairly judge regret in hindsight, not just based on what we did or how we showed up, but on all the other things that unfolded that were outside of our control. So we need to realise that when we're asking this question of, like, what if I regret it? We're trying to find our way to some sort of crystal ball that can tell us what is the path that's going to guarantee me happiness, Our life free from Disappointment or hurt or heartbreak. We just don't have that because so much of that is outside of our control.
[00:10:04]:
And I know that that feels really scary. Scary. But trying to think your way to the choice that will guarantee you a life free from regret is never going to yield the certainty that your anxiety is craving because it just doesn't exist. Okay? So instead of focusing on which decision or which path or which choice is the one that I won't regret based on some future outcome, what we want to reorient to in making these big decisions is how can I show up in a way that I will be proud of? How can I lead from integrity? How can I make a choice that feels guided by my values and what is important to me and the kind of person that I want to be along the way, rather than trying to make a choice that guarantees the outcome that I'm hoping for, which is most of the time outside of our control, because there are lots of other variables and factors that go into that. So shifting away from, oh, my God, what if I regret it? And towards how can I make a choice that feels aligned and that I can stand behind, knowing that it was based on and guided by my values, my sense of integrity, and the kind of person that I want to be. Because frankly, I don't think that that is a choice that you are going to regret. Say, God, what was I thinking? Or how could I have done that? Because you'll know that that was the right decision for you because it came from the right place within you. Okay? The only exceptional footnote that I'll give to that is if you know right now that you are already living a life that you regret, then that is something that you might want to listen to if you're not ruminating on the possibility of regret in the future.
[00:11:41]:
But, like, I already regret it. And again, that was true for me when I was working as an M and a lawyer and I was in a really unhealthy relationship at the time. It wasn't like, what do I do? Because I might regret it if I leave or if I stay? There was a deep knowing within me that I already regretted being in that life, that it was not the right life for me. And so if it's that kind of voice saying, like, you got to get out of here because this is not right for you and you know it, then that has a very different quality to the fear of regret as a what if abstract future thing that our anxiety is clutching onto. That is more an awareness and knowledge of present regret. Or present misalignment that we should absolutely listen to and acknowledge and allow to guide us towards the courageous, brave, scary thing that might be making a big change. And the third hard truth about changing your life is that your life will change when your standards change. Now this is not about saying that you are responsible for how other people behave or how they treat you, or the things that other people might have done that could be really shitty, but it is an acknowledgement of the fact that we all accept and tolerate certain things in our lives.
[00:12:58]:
And again, that's not just about other people. It might be what we accept and tolerate in our living space or with respect to our health, the things that we compromise on or the things that we refuse to compromise on. We all have our standards and our non negotiables, right? And so acknowledging that a lot of what makes up your life is a product of what you are willing to tolerate and what your standards are. And so you have a lot more agency than perhaps you realise to change what your life looks and feels like by changing the standards of what you will accept and tolerate. Now this shows up in so many places. In dating, for example, if you have the expectation that people are going to be flaky and non committal and have poor communication or maybe be a bit lukewarm in their interests and that's just what you've come to expect, then you're probably going to tolerate a degree of that and you're going to continue to have that in your field, right, in your world. Because that's not something that you say an unequivocal no to, it's something that you go, well, yeah, that's just how it works. So more of that, right? Whereas if we just say I'm absolutely not available for that in any form, then yeah, that might narrow our options, but it also ensures that that's not going to be part of our storey, that's not going to be part of what we allow into our space, into our life.
[00:14:25]:
And the same goes for lots of things. So this is really a call to action around boundaries and an invitation to reflect on what am I tolerating? Where are my standards lower than maybe I would like them to be? And where is that leading me? Into resentment, frustration, victimhood, energy of it's so unfair and why me? And really resisting all of these things that keep showing up in our lives while maybe not recognising the role that we're playing in allowing those things to still be there or continuing to participate in co creative dynamics when we could just opt out and say, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm no longer available for this in any way, shape or form. And of course, that requires us to make certain sacrifices. But again, we have to decide if I'm going to be unavailable for this, if I'm not going to tolerate it, then I kind of need to not tolerate it anymore. And that can be such a hard one, particularly for folks with anxious attachment patterns, and particularly when it comes to relationships. Because our instinct, of course, is to keep holding on, keep trying and keep pushing, wanting things to change. But I think sometimes when the writing's on the wall, we actually just have to maybe let go, maybe walk away from the things that continue to drain us of our vitality, of our life force, of our sense of wellbeing, and recognise that actually, if that is not a net benefit to my life, then it is my responsibility to say goodbye, to close the door, and to make myself unavailable for that, to really raise my standard.
[00:15:59]:
So, recognising that your life will change when your standards change, and if you want to feel better, if you want to have healthier relationships, if you want to have more fruitful friendships, you may have to raise your standards on all fronts around how you treat yourself, how you speak to yourself, the kinds of relationships and friendships you invest in, your working environment, all of those things. If you are wanting those things to change substantively, qualitatively, if you want to feel differently and better in one or more of those arenas, then you are going to need to raise your standards for what is acceptable to you, for what you will tolerate. Because if we just keep putting up with things that are leaving us burnt out, angry, resentful, feeling sorry for ourselves, then that is going to be the tone that we set for our lives. And I don't think that's the place from which any of us really want to live. Okay, team, so those were three hard truths about changing your life. I really hope that you have received those in the spirit in which I have delivered them, which is one of so much love and deep belief in your capacity to create a beautiful life. No matter where you're at in life, no matter how hard things have felt, the sun always rises and there are always things that are within your control. There might be heaps of shitty things that have happened that were outside of your control, or you might have done a whole bunch of things that you really wish you hadn't, and that's okay.
[00:17:30]:
We talked about the fear of future regret today. Another piece of that is that we can learn from the things that we do regret to the extent that we have behaved in ways that we're not proud of. Use all of that to course correct. Don't use it as a way to collapse into shame and to beat yourself up and to tell yourself storeys that you know your life is over or you've missed your shot, you can always, always turn over a new leaf. You can always decide enough is enough. I'm going to make changes. And I think that as much as there are all of the cliches about New Year's, it is a beautiful time if you are knowing that you need to make some changes to really say, okay, what is this year going to be about for me? What commitments am I making to myself? What am I going to signal to myself about my worth and value? With the choices that I'm going to make and how I'm going to show up and the commitments that I'm making to myself, we can really set the tone for everything in our life based on how we relate to ourselves and the way that we show up for ourselves. So if you are feeling like you need to make some big changes but you're scared or shame is getting in the way, or you're not really sure if you can do it, please just know that you can.
[00:18:41]:
And there's never going to be a perfect time, which means now is good. Today is as good a day as any. And I am here cheering you on and rooting for you. And I have utmost faith in your ability to create a beautiful, meaningful life where you feel seen and known and loved and appreciated for who you are. And so if you are tolerating a life at the moment that feels far away from that, know that it doesn't always have to be like this. But change begins when you decide. And for better or for worse, no one's coming to rescue you. That is on you.
[00:19:12]:
And it's one of the bravest, most loving things you can ever do is decide to make a big change when you know that all sides are pointing to that. So I'm sending you so much love. I am wishing you a Beautiful start to 2026. Thank you for all of your support on the podcast this year. It's been a huge year. I hope to see some of you inside the 28 day secure self challenge which is kicking off in a couple of weeks time. But otherwise I'll see you next week on the podcast. Thanks guys.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
New Year reflections, setting intentions, changing your life, hard truths, New Year’s resolutions, self trust, self respect, personal growth, fear of regret, making big changes, self worth, Secure Self Challenge, self compassion, self regulation, self advocacy, readiness for change, building confidence, leaving your comfort zone, imperfect timing, career change, overcoming anxiety, relationship decisions, boundaries, raising your standards, tolerating less, victim mentality, shame, self responsibility, making commitments, life transformation