Have you ever found yourself thinking about an ex long after your relationship has ended?
Maybe it's been months, or even years, since you last spoke. You've moved forward with your life, you're keeping busy, spending time with friends, and generally feeling okay. But somehow, this person still manages to pop into your thoughts throughout the day.
And you start wondering: Why am I still thinking about them? Shouldn't I be over this by now? Does this mean I haven't really moved on?
If this sounds familiar, I want to offer you a different way of looking at things.
Because the truth is, thinking about your ex doesn't necessarily mean you're still attached to them, that you want them back, or that there's something you need to fix.
Sometimes, it's simply your brain doing what brains do.
Why Do We Keep Thinking About an Ex?
When you've shared a significant part of your life with someone, it makes sense that they don't simply disappear from your thoughts when the relationship ends.
Think about it. If you were with someone for five years, that's five years of shared experiences, memories, routines, and emotional connection. Your brain has developed familiar pathways associated with that person, and those don't just vanish because you've decided to move on.
Even when you've had no contact and you're genuinely doing well, it's perfectly normal for memories or thoughts of that person to surface unexpectedly.
I still have random thoughts about people I was in relationships with more than ten years ago. And I don't attach any particular significance to those thoughts.
They're just thoughts.
The trouble often begins when we start making those thoughts mean something about us, our healing, or our readiness to move forward.
The Problem With Trying to Control Your Thoughts
One of the biggest traps we can fall into after a breakup is believing that we need to stop thinking about our ex in order to truly move on.
We tell ourselves things like:
I shouldn't still be thinking about them.
It's been a year. I should be over this by now.
Why can't I just let this go?
Does this mean I still have feelings for them?
But here's the thing: the more we try to resist a thought, the more attention and energy we tend to give it.
When a thought about your ex pops into your mind and your immediate response is frustration, judgement, or an attempt to push it away, you're actually making that thought more significant than it needs to be.
You start monitoring how often it happens, questioning why it's happening, and worrying about what it means.
And suddenly, what could have been a fleeting thought becomes something much bigger.
This is why so many mindfulness and meditation practices encourage us to notice our thoughts without becoming attached to them.
Rather than trying to control every thought that enters your mind, what if you simply allowed it to come and go?
What If You Stopped Making Your Thoughts a Problem?
Imagine you're going about your day and a thought about your ex pops into your head.
Instead of immediately thinking, Ugh, why am I still thinking about them?, you simply acknowledge it.
Oh, there's a thought about my ex again. Okay.
And then you carry on with your day.
No judgement. No analysis. No need to figure out what it means.
Just as you might have a passing thought about an email you need to send or something you forgot to buy at the supermarket, you can allow a thought about your ex to exist without treating it as something that requires your attention.
Of course, this might feel unfamiliar at first, particularly if you're someone who tends towards anxiety or overthinking.
But the invitation here is to stop treating every uncomfortable thought as a problem that needs solving.
You don't have to get rid of a thought in order to be okay.
And you don't have to assign meaning to every thought your brain produces.
You Can't Always Control Your Thoughts, But You Can Control Your Actions
There's an important distinction I want to make here, particularly for anyone who struggles with anxious attachment patterns.
While we don't have complete control over the thoughts that pop into our minds, we do have much more agency over what we choose to do in response.
For example, you might suddenly think about your ex and feel an urge to check their social media.
Or perhaps a memory comes up, and you find yourself scrolling through old photos, rereading text messages, or looking for clues about what they're doing now.
These behaviours can keep you emotionally tethered to a relationship that has ended.
And while the initial thought might have been completely involuntary, what happens next is something you can take responsibility for.
This is where the real work often lies.
Not in trying to prevent yourself from ever thinking about your ex, but in learning to recognise when a thought is triggering an impulse that might not be helpful for you.
You can have a thought about your ex without checking their Instagram.
You can miss someone without reaching out to them.
You can feel sadness, curiosity, or longing without needing to do anything about it.
Having a thought or feeling doesn't mean you have to act on it.
And learning to create that space between what you experience internally and how you respond externally is an incredibly important part of building emotional security.
Let Go of the Timeline for Moving On
Another thing I really want to emphasise is that healing from a breakup isn't necessarily a linear process.
There's no magic point at which you should stop thinking about someone.
It's not as though you reach the one-year or two-year mark and suddenly your brain deletes every memory of the relationship.
That's simply not how our minds work.
And when we create rigid expectations around where we should be in our healing, we often end up adding unnecessary pressure and judgement to an already challenging experience.
If you were in a significant relationship, particularly one that lasted several years, there's a lot for your system to process.
Your attachment system, your nervous system, your emotional world, and your sense of identity may all have been shaped by that relationship in different ways.
Making peace with its ending can take time.
And that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.
You can be genuinely moving forward with your life and still have moments where that person crosses your mind.
Those two things can coexist.
The Importance of Self-Compassion After a Breakup
Ultimately, I think one of the most helpful things we can offer ourselves in these situations is compassion.
Not in a way that encourages us to stay stuck or indulge patterns that aren't serving us, but in a way that acknowledges the reality of being human.
Of course you might still think about someone who was an important part of your life.
Of course it might take time for your mind and body to adjust to their absence.
Of course there might be memories, emotions, or moments of curiosity that surface unexpectedly.
None of that means there's something wrong with you.
And none of it needs to become another reason to criticise yourself.
Instead of approaching your experience from the assumption that something needs to change, what if you started from the assumption that what you're experiencing is probably quite normal?
What if you gave yourself permission to be exactly where you are?
Often, when we stop resisting our experience and allow ourselves to simply be human, something begins to soften.
There's a sense of relief in realising that we don't have to fight every thought, analyse every feeling, or rush ourselves towards some imagined finish line.
We can simply acknowledge what's happening, treat ourselves with kindness, and continue making choices that support our wellbeing.
Moving Forward Doesn't Mean Never Looking Back
If you're still thinking about your ex long after your relationship has ended, I want you to know that this doesn't automatically mean you're stuck.
It doesn't mean you're not ready to date again.
And it certainly doesn't mean that all the work you've done to heal and move forward has somehow been undone.
Sometimes a thought is just a thought.
The question isn't necessarily how to stop thinking about your ex, but how to change your relationship with those thoughts so they no longer feel so disruptive or significant.
Can you allow them to come and go without judgement?
Can you resist the urge to turn every passing memory into a story about what it means?
Can you trust yourself to make healthy choices, even when uncomfortable thoughts or feelings arise?
Because ultimately, moving on isn't about erasing someone from your memory. It's about being able to live your life without those memories dictating your choices.
You can remember someone, think about them occasionally, and still be completely committed to your own growth and happiness.
You can be exactly where you are in your healing journey and still be okay.
And sometimes, giving yourself that permission is the most loving thing you can do.
Need Support Moving Through a Breakup?
If you're navigating the aftermath of a breakup and finding yourself caught in cycles of overthinking, confusion, or rumination, I've created a free breakup training to help you make sense of what you're experiencing and find a clearer path forward.
You can explore my free resources at stephanierigg.com.
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[00:01:30]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, which is an Ask Steph episode, I am answering a listener question all about what to do when you still have these lingering thoughts of your ex long after the relationship has ended and you're wanting to get away from those thoughts or wondering what you can do and what it means and all of that, which I know is an experience that a lot of people come up against and that will be familiar to many. So I'll be sharing some thoughts on that, and I think that the advice that I'm going to share will be applicable To anyone in that situation where you can't stop thinking about your ex, but will be equally applicable if there's some other person that you can't stop thinking about, or even just like a thought loop that you're stuck in more broadly, or even a feeling that you're trying to get away from or trying to stop yourself from having. I think what I'll share today in response to this specific question and set of circumstances has broader application for a lot of people who struggle with anxiety in all its forms. Before we get into today's episode, 2 quick reminders. The first being about my book. The Secure Self, which is coming out on the 2nd of February, but is now available for preorder.
[00:02:38]:
If you know that you are someone who might consider buying the book when it comes out, I'd be so grateful if you'd consider preordering it now. It's really impactful for a book's overall success. If it gets a lot of traction in the preorder phase, it tends to mean that you get better distribution. It'll be stocked in more places. It just creates a bit more momentum around a book and sends a strong signal that it's a book that people are interested in and care about. So if you would consider pre-ordering it, I'd be hugely grateful. Doing so is as simple as just going to Amazon or wherever else you get your books and purchasing it in the same way you would any other book. You'll just see it listed there, with the only difference being that it will be delivered on and from the 2nd of February next year.
[00:03:19]:
And if you do pre-order, as a way to say thank you, I've put together a really great bonus package on my website. So if you head to stephanierigg.com/book, you can upload your proof of purchase and get access to a workshop series on the core wounds of anxious attachment. 3 workshops. The first is available straight away, and then the next 2 will be released in November and December, as well as 3 live Q&As with me. So all of that for the cost of a book, and you actually get the book as well. So a good deal, hopefully, and a way to say thank you for getting behind the book in this preorder period. Second quick announcement is more just in keeping with the topic of today's episode being around breakups and processing and thoughts about an ex and all of those things. If you are In the thick of a breakup and you're working through all of that, I do have a free breakup training which you can register for on my website.
[00:04:08]:
It goes into a lot more depth than I can in today's episode on all of the things that we'll touch on. And I think if you're swirling around in the confusion and the uncertainty and the obsessiveness and the rumination after a breakup, having a voice of reason that you can lean on and be guided by, I think can be really helpful to kind of snap you out of all of that noise that's so easy to get sucked into. So that one is totally free and I'll pop the link in the show notes for anyone who's going through a breakup and might want to come along to that. Okay, so without further ado, I'm going to read out this question that was sent in via email about lingering thoughts about an ex and what to do with those. Hi Steph, I am 1 year out of a 5-year relationship. We've had no contact, which is fine. My question is that this person still takes up some real estate in my brain. I understand that neural pathways were developed that caused me to still have these daily thoughts.
[00:05:01]:
It's not all-consuming or obsessive. He will just pop up in my thoughts multiple times a day. I'm not dating, but I'm very active socially. At any rate, do you have any advice to help minimise these brief mental interruptions, or is it just a matter of time? So thank you for the question. As I said in the introduction, I think it's in different forms, it's one that a lot of people will relate to, both the specifics, because I think people will often find themselves in a version of this situation, but also the broader thing around like, how can I stop Having these disruptive thoughts or intrusive thoughts or obsessive thoughts, even though you've said that it's not obsessive or all-consuming, but this sense of not having control over my thoughts and what can I do to get away from certain thoughts or to minimise certain thoughts because they feel like they're knocking me off centre or they're distracting me or they're stirring up certain emotions in me that I'd rather not be confronted with multiple times a day. Or that I'm making meaning out of these mental interruptions, and it's leading me to wonder whether I still have feelings for this person or whether I'm ready to date again, or all of these other sort of tendrils or branches off the tree that can come from this repeated experience. So my starting point is always, and I do have students asking in my programmes questions around this a lot, and the crux of my advice is always that trying to control your thoughts is probably a waste of time and energy. And the more that we try and resist a thought, we're actually pouring fuel on the fire.
[00:06:36]:
We're giving more energy to the thing that we don't want, and in so doing, we're making it bigger. And when we create this whole meaning or story out of the fact that we can't get rid of the thoughts, then the not wanting is actually just another version of focusing on and giving attention to and maximising even at the same time as our intention is to try and minimise. I think this is why so many spiritual traditions and meditation practices will really train you into just noticing a thought and letting it come and go. And this principle of not being attached to, because I think our mind is so quick to latch onto something and then go into all of this busywork and rumination and meaning-making that actually makes something much bigger than it needs to be and attributes much more significance to the fact that it's there than maybe we needed to. And I think when we look at the big picture and we look at it logically, we have thousands and thousands of thoughts in a day, and some of them are really random and bizarre and come out of nowhere and don't make any sense. There's a lot of noise and stimulus and processing and, and all of that that our brain is, is running through on a daily basis. But I think sometimes it's the story that we have around whether we should be having that thought and making ourselves wrong for it. And I think in the context of a breakup in particular, This sense of, I should be over it.
[00:08:01]:
I shouldn't be thinking about them. I shouldn't still be wondering how they're doing or what they're up to. The shoulds and shouldn'ts actually just take so much from us. And it's kind of the opposite of the self-compassion that we really need. It's judgement and resistance. And so I guess the invitation is, what would it be like to just fully allow the thoughts to come and go as they will and not make it a problem at all? Just see it for what it is and go, oh yeah, look, there's a thought about my ex again for the 5th time today. Isn't that interesting? And treat it almost as neutrally as you'd treat all of the other thoughts that come and go about, oh, that email I'm meant to send, or that bill I'm meant to pay. Oh, and there's my ex.
[00:08:44]:
To your point, you mentioned it in the question, like there is a lot of muscle memory around that. And it's been this significant relationship that you were in for 5 years. And there's so much embedded in that. And that's okay. It's okay to still have thoughts about your ex. I don't think that that is a problem that you need to solve. It is absolutely okay and fine and normal to still periodically have thoughts of your ex. I don't think that that has to mean anything, and I don't think it's something that you have to try and make stop.
[00:09:13]:
And I don't even think it's necessarily something that after 2 years, then that won't happen anymore. I don't think it's quite that linear. I will still have random thoughts about exes of mine from 10 years ago or more. Like, it's not something that I attribute any sort of meaning or significance to because I think it's just your brain doing what it will do. And again, I think the more that we can just let that be rather than resisting it or making meaning out of it, the less likely we are to feel kind of disturbed or worried or bothered by it because we, we don't really need to act on it or do anything with it. And I should add a really important caveat here. And I did an episode a few months ago on how to stop obsessing about someone. It doesn't sound like this is your situation, the person who asked the question, but It may well apply to others listening.
[00:10:00]:
I think the key difference when I say you can't control your thoughts, so there's no point really trying to, you can control your actions. And I think a lot of people, particularly with anxious attachment patterns, have a thought, have a feeling, and then feel compelled to act. And there can be this sense of, well, the thought is so all-consuming or the feeling is so powerful that I have to do something. Surely I have to act on this. And so the thought comes and then you pick up your phone and you go and look at their social media, or the thought comes and you go and look back on old photos of you together, or read over text messages, or do any number of other things that keep you tethered and keep you in a loop in a way that doesn't feel helpful. And I think that's the part that you absolutely can control and that you do have agency over in a much more direct way than you ever will have control over your thoughts. So if it's just a Periodic intrusion into your thoughts as you're going about your day and it doesn't feel all-consuming, I don't think you have a problem that you need to solve. I think you can just decide to relate to that as totally normal, par for the course, just your brain doing its thing and not requiring anything from you in terms of problem solving or tools or strategies to try and make that stop.
[00:11:17]:
And if anything, I think doing that can actually make it more of a thing than it needs to be. But certainly having clear lines for yourself, and again, I don't think the person asking the question is in this situation, but for anyone— else. It's the conduct, it's the choices, it's the what do I do with the thoughts that we actually get to exercise some self-responsibility and agency around. And that's where we get to actually choose not to just follow an impulse that might be keeping us in a pattern or keeping us really emotionally invested and attached to someone in ways that aren't healthy or helpful for us. And, you know, the final piece just being heaps of self-compassion and not in a kind of mushy way, but in a just allowing ourselves to be human and have a human experience and actually starting from the assumption that what we're experiencing is probably really normal and fine rather than assuming there's something wrong with us or that we're abnormal in some way. And even just acknowledging for yourself, like, yeah, of course it makes so much sense. I was with this person for 5 years. Our relationship ended.
[00:12:19]:
I haven't had contact with them in a year. That in and of itself is big and weird and hard for my system, my nervous system, my attachment system, for all of me to make peace with and accept and let go of. That's not a one-and-done thing. That's something that is a process and happens over time and is a lot and has many layers to it. So just giving yourself lots of grace around that and lots of permission to be where you are without needing to try and change it or get somewhere else in a hurry, I think is always a really wise and loving thing that you can do as well. And again, I think the more that we can give ourselves permission and not be in resistance to whatever it is we're experiencing, the whole system tends to soften. And it's just like a sigh of relief and like, oh, actually it's okay. I'm okay.
[00:13:08]:
I can be where I'm at and I can make good choices and maybe that's enough. And I think it absolutely is enough. So I hope that that is helpful advice, both for the person who asked the question and anyone else listening who relates to any of those little tidbits. If you'd like to submit a question for a future episode, you can send in a voice note which I'll link in the show notes. You can also send something in via email to support@stephanierigg.com. Okay, sending you lots of love, guys, and I look forward to seeing you.
[00:14:27]:
Again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
breakups, lingering thoughts, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, anxious attachment, ruminating, ex-partner, relationship recovery, self-compassion, meditation practices, controlling thoughts, emotional healing, thought loops, meaning-making, resisting thoughts, breakup training, neural pathways, personal growth, self-responsibility, dating after breakup, mental health, emotional resilience