#282: How to Forgive Yourself for Pushing Someone Away (Ask Steph)
Have you ever looked back on a past relationship with everything you know now and thought:
If only I’d known this then.
Maybe you’ve learned about anxious attachment and can suddenly see your old patterns with much more clarity. You recognise the overthinking, the fear of abandonment, the need for reassurance, the impulsive reactions, or the ways you may have pushed someone away when what you really wanted was to feel closer to them.
And with that awareness can come a painful question:
How do I forgive myself for the way I acted when I feel like my behaviour contributed to the end of the relationship?
This is such a common experience when we begin learning about our attachment patterns after a breakup. Greater self-awareness can be incredibly healing, but it can also become another weapon we use against ourselves if we aren’t careful.
Instead of thinking, Now I understand myself better, we can quickly fall into:
I ruined everything.
I was too much.
I pushed them away.
If I had behaved differently, maybe we would still be together.
But shame and self-blame aren’t the same thing as accountability. And beating yourself up for what you did in the past isn’t what helps you change your patterns moving forward.
Why We Look for Someone to Blame After a Relationship Ends
One of the hallmarks of insecure attachment is a tendency to reach for blame.
Sometimes we blame the other person. We decide they were selfish, emotionally unavailable, toxic, or entirely responsible for everything that went wrong.
Other times, particularly for people with anxious attachment patterns, that blame turns inward.
I ruin everything.
I’m too anxious.
I’m too needy.
I’m too sensitive.
I always push people away.
Both responses can come from the same place: our discomfort with uncertainty.
Relationships are complicated. Two people bring their histories, fears, insecurities, needs, coping strategies, and attachment patterns into a dynamic together. There is rarely one clear villain and one clear victim.
But our anxiety doesn’t necessarily like complexity.
It wants to identify the problem so it can find the solution.
If the other person was the problem, we can tell ourselves that nothing we did contributed to the dynamic.
If we were the problem, we can tell ourselves that if we just fix everything that’s wrong with us, this will never happen again.
Neither version tells the whole story.
Self-Blame Can Keep the Cycle Going
When you learn more about your attachment patterns, it’s natural to recognise behaviours you wish you had handled differently.
Perhaps you can see how fear drove some of your reactions. Maybe you suppressed your needs because you were afraid of being “too much,” only to eventually become overwhelmed and react more intensely.
You might now recognise ways you self-abandoned, struggled to regulate your emotions, or acted impulsively when you felt threatened or disconnected.
Acknowledging those things can be important.
But there’s a big difference between saying:
“I don’t like how I handled that, and I want to understand why I responded that way.”
And saying:
“I ruin every relationship. There’s something wrong with me.”
The second response doesn’t create growth. It reinforces the low self-worth and shame that often sit underneath anxious attachment patterns in the first place.
If you already believe you’re too needy, too sensitive, or likely to push people away, punishing yourself for your past behaviour only strengthens those beliefs.
And when those beliefs become stronger, you’re more likely to enter future relationships afraid that they’re true.
That fear can then drive the exact behaviours you’re trying so desperately to avoid.
Shame Is Not the Same as Accountability
There’s often a belief that if we stop beating ourselves up, we’re somehow letting ourselves off the hook.
We think:
If I forgive myself, how will I make sure I don’t do it again?
If I don’t feel terrible about what I did, does that mean I’m avoiding responsibility?
But self-punishment isn’t what creates meaningful change.
You don’t need to shame yourself into becoming a better version of yourself.
Real accountability requires enough compassion to look honestly at what happened.
Instead of:
Why am I like this?
Try asking:
What was happening for me in that moment?
What was I afraid of?
What need was I trying to meet?
What insecurity was driving my behaviour?
What could I do differently if I experience that feeling again?
You can acknowledge that you don’t like something you did while still understanding why you did it.
That isn’t making excuses.
It’s giving yourself the information you actually need to change.
Turn Regret Into a Teacher
Hindsight can be brutal.
Looking back from where you are now, armed with new language, insight, and understanding, it can seem obvious that you should have behaved differently.
But you didn’t have your current level of awareness then.
So rather than trying to erase the past, use what happened to understand yourself more deeply.
Maybe you reacted intensely because you were terrified of losing the relationship.
Maybe you constantly sought reassurance because you didn’t yet know how to create a sense of safety within yourself.
Maybe you suppressed your needs until they came bursting out because you believed expressing them calmly would make you difficult or demanding.
Understanding the fear beneath the behaviour gives you something tangible to work with.
You can then ask:
When I feel this way again, how would I like to respond?
That’s where change happens.
Not through endlessly replaying your mistakes, but through allowing your regret to teach you something that you can carry forward.
Should You Tell Your Ex Everything You’ve Learned?
Another common urge after gaining all of this insight is to reach out to an ex.
You might desperately want to explain:
I understand now.
I know why I behaved that way.
I’ve learned so much.
I could do things differently now.
And beneath that may be the hope that if they can just see how much you’ve changed, perhaps you can undo what happened.
Of course, every situation is different. But generally speaking, it’s worth being very thoughtful about what you hope to achieve by reaching out.
Someone with more avoidant attachment patterns may process the end of a relationship very differently from someone with anxious attachment patterns. While you may have spent months analysing the relationship and learning everything you can about what happened, your ex may have processed the breakup by putting it away and moving forward.
That means the conversation you’ve imagined may not unfold the way you hope it will.
They may not want to revisit the relationship. They may not be interested in attachment theory. And they may not respond to your newfound insights with the enthusiasm or openness you’re hoping for.
Before reaching out, ask yourself:
Is sharing this information truly for them—or am I hoping their response will relieve some of my regret, guilt, or pain?
Sometimes the most meaningful thing we can do with new self-awareness isn’t to take it backwards and try to rewrite the past.
It’s to take it forward.
You Don’t Have to Rewrite the Past to Grow From It
You can wish you had handled things differently.
You can take responsibility for the ways your patterns contributed to an unhealthy dynamic.
You can feel genuine regret.
And you can still have compassion for the version of yourself who didn’t yet have the tools, awareness, or capacity that you have now.
Those things can all exist together.
Forgiving yourself isn’t pretending that your actions didn’t matter. It’s choosing to stop using shame as your primary tool for change.
Look back with curiosity.
Understand what was driving you.
Take responsibility for what belongs to you.
Learn what you can.
And then allow yourself to carry those lessons forward.
Because the goal of healing isn’t to become so enlightened that you can somehow go back and undo every mistake you’ve ever made.
It’s to become more aware, more compassionate, and more intentional about how you show up from here.
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[00:01:30]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of, how do I forgive myself for the way that I acted that ultimately led to the breakdown of my previous relationship? And this is coming from someone who has anxious attachment patterns and who has learned a lot about themselves and about their partner since the relationship ended and is now feeling a lot of shame and self-blame about what they did that they wish they could take back. And this is something that I get asked about a lot amongst people who come to this work, often off the back of a relationship ending and learning more about the drivers of our own behaviour, our own insecurities, and the role that they play in contributing to the cycles that might exist in our relationships. Some people then find themselves really stewing in a lot of shame and self-blame and really struggling to forgive themselves, really feeling like punishing themselves or beating themselves up is a really natural place for them to go. And that only leads them to feel worse, not only about the relationship ending, but just about themselves and maybe even their future prospects, feeling like they are the problem, they are broken, and it all feels really hopeless. So if that's something that you can relate to in any way, today's episode is going to be a bit of a pep talk for you. Okay, so I've spoken before many times about how shame and self-blame is a really unhelpful place to go. When we're looking at our patterns, when we're reflecting on our past behaviours, it really is a hallmark of insecure attachment patterns to reach for blame.
[00:03:09]:
Whether that's blaming the other person or blaming ourselves, we tend to have this very black and white view of needing to find who the problem was, who is the villain, who is the victim, who is in the wrong. And oftentimes I think that's a byproduct of us lacking in compassion. Again, compassion for ourselves, compassion for the other person. Because our insecurity and our fear wants to know who to blame so that we can figure out who needs to fix the problem. If we can identify that the other person is the problem, that they are selfish, that they are toxic, that they are a narcissist, that they are whatever, then we feel justified in our pain and we can feel relieved that the problem's over there with them, that nothing we did was part of the problem, and then we can feel a bit more complete about what might have been a really painful and confusing situation. Or on the other side, if we default to blaming ourselves, we can collapse into this place of, I'm the I ruin everything. I'm so anxious. I always push people away.
[00:04:07]:
I'm too much. I overthink everything. I'm too needy. I'm too sensitive. And I just have to fix myself so that that doesn't keep happening. And neither of those pictures is ever going to represent the truth in its entirety, because relationships are always more complicated than that. It's never that simple or black and white. But those parts of us that are afraid really like the certainty.
[00:04:30]:
Our anxiety likes the certainty of being able to clearly identify who the problem was, where the problem was, and therefore what the solution needs to be. And so when it comes to reflecting on a past relationship and one that ended, maybe that we didn't want to end, and then learning about ourselves, and I think any journey of learning more about your own patterns will include some of the less healthy expressions of those patterns and the ways that those patterns can contribute to unhealthy relationship dynamics. It's really easy then to equate that with, I was the problem, or I ruined everything. If I had done things differently, the outcome might have been different. Therefore, I am at fault. Therefore, I am the cause of this pain that I'm in. And then our anxiety can tell us to try and frantically backpedal. And should I reach out to them and tell them all of the things that I've learned and all of the insights that I've now had and all of the ways that I see that I was actually part of the problem and I won't do it again and I'm going to be so enlightened now and maybe we should get back together.
[00:05:31]:
We try and scramble to erase the past. With all of this new information that we've gleaned, because to just sit in the pain and the sadness is really intolerable for the parts of us that tend towards anxiety and wanting to fix and mobilise and do something about the problem. So all of that makes a lot of sense, but I think that the more you reach for self-blame, and I realise that it's not an intentional thing, but the more you go there, the more you are reinforcing the low self-worth and the shame and the sense of brokenness. that is at the very heart of all of the cycles that drive your unhealthy behaviours, right? Because when we feel badly about ourselves, when we feel like we are too much or too sensitive or too needy, or we always push people away, then that's our belief system that is guiding our relationship dynamics. And that's what we believe. And so we're going to be afraid of that happening and afraid of that being true. And so we react from a place of trying to protect against that. We try and suppress our needs.
[00:06:34]:
We try not to show emotion, but of course that doesn't work. And is unsustainable. And in doing that, we're denying our needs and our feelings, and we end up self-abandoning. And then that creates these really unhealthy dynamics anyway. And then we end up exploding and reacting and pushing someone away, and that ends up proving the storey true. And so the shame is really driving that cycle and keeping it intact. So I think that we need to see that for what it is and really reckon with those parts of us that believe that shame and punishment and blame is how we're going to create accountability, right? Because a lot of people have this sense that without punishment, there will be no accountability. If I don't beat myself up, then there'll be no change.
[00:07:19]:
There'll be no pressure to do better next time or be different. But that just doesn't work. I don't know if you've noticed, but shaming yourself is not how you grow. Beating yourself up is not how you feel better about yourself and start changing your patterns. We need to be able to look at the things that we have struggled with historically and that we still struggle with through the lens of curiosity and compassion. And that is not the same as giving ourselves a free pass or letting ourselves off the hook or dusting our hands of any responsibility. It is simply to be able to reflect on the things that we've done and get curious around what was going on for me when I said or did that thing, because there's always some very real experience that we were having when we said or did the thing that we're now ashamed of and beating ourselves up for. But when we just look back in hindsight and tell ourselves that we are an idiot and ruin everything.
[00:08:09]:
There's no learning that actually happens there. It's just this collapse experience of shame. And so being able to look compassionately and going, okay, I don't like what I did, but I can see why I did it. Or I remember what I was going through when I did it and what need I was trying to meet or what fear or insecurity was in the driver's seat for me. And then we actually have something tangible to work with so that we can take the next step, which is, okay, What needs my attention here? Next time I feel that way, what can I do that would be healthier and more constructive rather than just acting out in a really impulsive way from fear that then leads to these unwanted outcomes and self-fulfilling prophecies of, I always push people away. So it's only when we can engage in that meaningful reflection that is free from the burden of shame and self-punishment that we actually learn or grow. So really counter to that storey or that belief of, if I don't punish myself, there'll be no accountability and there'll be no change and no growth. It's actually the opposite of that.
[00:09:12]:
It's only when we can lift off that cloak of shame and go, okay, what was actually going on here for me? And getting curious without self-judgment, that true accountability becomes possible in the sense of learning the lesson and going, okay, next time, here's how I'm going to approach that differently. So for me, that's really how you forgive yourself. That's how you learn the lessons. That's how you turn regret into a teacher rather than just stewing in shame and feeling worse about And then inevitably repeating some version of the same pattern next time, because all you've really done is further erode your self-esteem and your self-worth. And that sits at the root of so many of your fear-driven reactive behaviours in relationship anyway. Now, the other piece that was included in this question was, should I reach out to my ex to share all of those insights? Generally, my response would be no. Obviously, it depends so much on the circumstances, but I do think that it's a very anxious question in the sense of it is coming from the viewpoint and perspective of someone with anxious attachment patterns and assuming that someone with more avoidant patterns is going to feel the same way and process things in the same way, and they're going to be excited and delighted to hear about all of your attachment insights that you've had and the work you've been doing. I just think that more often than not, you're going to be disappointed by the outcome of that conversation because it's unlikely that they're going to be as enthusiastic as you are, that they're going to be open to hearing it, that they're going to be excited to learn more and want to give it another go based on what you've learned about yourself.
[00:10:47]:
I think more often than not that they've probably put it all in a box and moved on with their life, just because people with anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process the endings of relationships very differently. And I've done episodes about that that you can go and listen to. But I do think that more generally, When we grow and when we learn about ourselves, it is usually a better idea to take that knowledge with us into the future rather than frantically trying to rehash the past and trying to undo the past and have a do-over because we're now seeing things differently. Of course, there are going to be circumstances where maybe that is a good idea and maybe that can work. But if someone ended a relationship with you and you haven't really had contact with them, reaching out months later to say, hey, I've learned all this stuff about myself and can I tell you about it? I think oftentimes that's for your benefit more than it's for theirs. And you might find that that conversation goes very differently in reality, if they're even open to having it, than it does in your head. So obviously up to you, obviously very circumstantial, but that would be my 2 cents on whether it's a good idea to reach out to an ex to tell them all of the things that you've learned about yourself since the breakup. I think more often than not, it's best to just leave that door closed and take the knowledge with you into the future rather than Trying to backpedal into the past with it.
[00:12:11]:
Okay. Thanks for the question, guys. Sending you lots of love, and I look forward to seeing you.
[00:13:46]:
See you next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
self-forgiveness, anxious attachment, shame, self-blame, relationship breakdown, learning from mistakes, personal growth, compassion, accountability, insecure attachment, black and white thinking, relationship dynamics, self-worth, vulnerability, self-esteem, emotional triggers, suppressing needs, self-abandonment, fear-driven behaviour, apologising to ex, reaching out after breakup, processing breakups, letting go of past, moving forward after breakup, curiosity, reflecting on behaviour, responsibility, self-reflection, healthy relationships, breakups and healing