Every long-term relationship goes through seasons of disconnection.
Maybe you've been arguing more than usual. Maybe the warmth and affection that once came so naturally feel harder to access. Or perhaps you're stuck in a cycle of trying to communicate what's missing, only to feel like nothing is really changing.
When you're in the thick of it, a relationship rut can feel incredibly disheartening. And if you tend towards anxious attachment, it's easy for your mind to convince you that things will always feel this way, or that the relationship is somehow doomed.
But here's something important to remember: a difficult season doesn't necessarily mean you're in a failing relationship.
Sometimes, you're simply in a trough of the natural ups and downs that come with sharing your life with another person.
And while some relationship challenges require both partners to actively work towards change, there are also things you can do independently to start shifting the energy.
Here are five ways to begin finding your way back to connection.
1. Start by Taking Care of Yourself
When your relationship feels hard, it's surprisingly easy to let your own wellbeing fall to the bottom of the priority list.
Maybe you've stopped exercising, aren't sleeping well, or have lost touch with the things that make you feel happy, confident, and fulfilled.
And when we're not feeling particularly good within ourselves, that discomfort often spills into our relationships.
Sometimes, we project our own insecurities onto our partner. If we're feeling unattractive, unworthy, or lacking in confidence, we might assume our partner sees us the same way. Suddenly, every little moment of disconnection feels deeply personal.
Other times, the opposite happens. We feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or dissatisfied with life generally, and our partner becomes the target of all that frustration.
Neither pattern necessarily reflects what's actually happening in the relationship.
That's why one of the most powerful things you can do when you're feeling disconnected is to turn some of your attention back towards yourself.
Ask yourself:
Am I taking good care of my physical and emotional wellbeing?
Have I been making time for the things that bring me joy?
Are there needs I've been neglecting that are within my power to meet?
How might the way I'm feeling about myself be influencing how I'm experiencing my relationship?
This isn't about ignoring legitimate relationship problems or pretending everything is fine.
It's about recognising that the better resourced and more grounded you feel within yourself, the more clearly you can see what's actually happening between you and your partner.
Taking care of yourself isn't something to put off until your relationship improves. It's something worth prioritising precisely because things feel difficult.
2. Look at the Bigger Picture
Sometimes, what feels like a relationship problem is actually a life problem.
Think about everything you and your partner might be navigating right now.
Work stress. Financial pressure. Young children. Family responsibilities. Moving house. Health challenges. An endless list of things that need your attention.
When life becomes overwhelming, it's easy to start turning on each other rather than recognising that you're both struggling under the weight of your circumstances.
You might find yourselves arguing more, feeling less patient, or struggling to connect in the ways you used to.
And before long, the story becomes that something is wrong with your relationship.
But what if the relationship isn't the problem?
What if you're simply trying to carry too much?
Sometimes, acknowledging the bigger picture can completely change how you relate to each other.
Instead of approaching things from a place of blame, you might begin to recognise that you're both having a hard time.
That shift from you versus me to us versus the problem can create space for more compassion and teamwork.
Of course, some stressful circumstances are outside your control. But others might be worth reconsidering.
Are you overcommitted? Have you taken on responsibilities that are leaving you with very little time or energy for each other? Is there something you could simplify or let go of?
Not every difficult season requires you to fix something within the relationship. Sometimes, you need to create more breathing room around it.
3. Bring Some Lightness and Fun Back Into Your Relationship
When a relationship feels disconnected, our instinct is often to focus intensely on everything that's wrong.
We want to talk about the problems, unpack the arguments, explain our unmet needs, and figure out how to fix things.
And while those conversations absolutely have their place, there's a point at which constantly focusing on what's not working can make the relationship feel even heavier.
This can be particularly challenging in anxious-avoidant relationships.
The anxiously attached partner might feel compelled to keep talking, processing, and trying to resolve the disconnection, while the more avoidant partner becomes increasingly overwhelmed and withdrawn.
Before long, the relationship starts to feel like nothing but work.
Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is temporarily put down the heavy conversations and make space for something enjoyable.
That might look like organising a date night, trying a new activity together, going away for a weekend, or revisiting something you loved doing in the early days of your relationship.
It doesn't have to be elaborate.
The point is to create opportunities to experience each other outside the usual routines, responsibilities, and frustrations of everyday life.
There's something powerful about seeing your partner out in the world, rather than simply as the person who forgot to do the dishes or left their towel on the floor.
A change of scenery can remind you of the person you fell in love with and the things you genuinely enjoy about being together.
And importantly, you don't have to resolve every outstanding issue before you're allowed to have fun together again.
This isn't about sweeping serious problems under the rug. Major betrayals, breaches of trust, and significant relationship issues do need to be addressed directly.
But when you're navigating an ordinary season of disconnection, introducing more playfulness, novelty, and enjoyment can help rebuild the warmth and goodwill that make those harder conversations easier to navigate.
4. Start Embodying the Kind of Relationship You Want
When we're feeling resentful or disconnected, it's easy to fall into a tit-for-tat mindset.
Why should I be the one to make an effort when they're not?
Why should I be more affectionate when they barely acknowledge me?
Why should I work on my communication when they're not doing the same?
These feelings are understandable, particularly when you've been carrying frustration for a long time.
But there's a problem with this approach.
If you want a relationship characterised by warmth, kindness, generosity, affection, and appreciation, withholding those very qualities until your partner offers them first is unlikely to move you closer to what you want.
Instead, consider asking yourself a different question:
What kind of partner do I want to be, regardless of how my partner is showing up right now?
Maybe you want to be someone who communicates with kindness, expresses affection freely, or approaches difficult moments with patience and grace.
What would it look like to begin embodying those qualities today?
Not because you're trying to manipulate your partner into changing.
Not because you're responsible for carrying the entire relationship.
And certainly not because you should abandon your own needs or boundaries.
But simply because those qualities reflect your values and the kind of relationship environment you want to help create.
When we stop making our behaviour entirely dependent on what the other person is doing, we reclaim a sense of agency.
We get to choose how we show up.
And while that doesn't guarantee our partner will respond in kind, it does mean we're acting in alignment with the person we want to be.
5. Make Gratitude and Appreciation a Daily Practice
When you've been feeling frustrated with your partner for a while, your attention can become almost entirely focused on what's missing.
You notice the things they forget, the ways they disappoint you, and the moments they fall short.
Meanwhile, the things they do well can become almost invisible.
It's not necessarily that those positive qualities have disappeared. It's that your attention has become so heavily oriented towards the problems that you're no longer noticing them.
And this can create a difficult relationship environment for both people.
Think about how it feels to be in a workplace where your mistakes are constantly highlighted, but your contributions are rarely acknowledged.
You probably wouldn't feel particularly motivated, appreciated, or inspired to give your best.
The same principle applies in relationships.
When someone feels constantly criticised or as though nothing they do is ever enough, it becomes harder to cultivate warmth, generosity, and connection.
That's why intentionally looking for opportunities to express gratitude can be so valuable.
Maybe your partner made you a coffee, handled something around the house, checked in during a busy day, or made an effort to spend time together.
Rather than letting those moments pass unnoticed, acknowledge them.
Tell your partner what you appreciate about them.
Notice the ways they contribute to your shared life.
Remind yourself of the qualities you love and admire.
This isn't about forcing positivity or pretending that your unmet needs don't matter.
It's about allowing the things that need improvement to exist alongside genuine appreciation for what's already good.
The more we create an environment where both people feel valued and recognised, the more room there is for connection to grow.
You Don't Have to Wait for Your Partner to Make the First Move
One of the hardest parts of feeling stuck in a relationship rut is the sense of powerlessness.
You might feel as though you've tried everything, said everything, and explained your feelings a hundred different ways, yet nothing seems to change.
And when your focus is entirely on getting your partner to do something differently, it's easy to feel like your happiness and the future of your relationship are completely outside your control.
But these five practices offer a different starting point.
You can take better care of yourself. You can recognise the external pressures affecting your relationship. You can create opportunities for fun and connection. You can choose to embody the qualities that matter to you. And you can begin noticing and appreciating the good that's already there.
None of these things requires your partner to change first.
And none of them means accepting a relationship that consistently fails to meet your needs.
Rather, they're ways of bringing more intention, clarity, and warmth into your experience of the relationship, regardless of what happens next.
Because sometimes, getting out of a relationship rut isn't about having one more difficult conversation or finding the perfect words to finally get through to your partner.
Sometimes, it's about shifting how you show up, creating a little more breathing room, and remembering that your relationship is allowed to be a source of joy, too.
A season of disconnection doesn't have to define your relationship. And even small, intentional changes can be a meaningful place to start.
If you're navigating anxious attachment patterns or finding yourself caught in recurring cycles of disconnection, you can explore more resources and support through my podcast, On Attachment, and my courses at stephanierigg.com.
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[00:00:00]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to get out of a relationship rut, and I'm gonna be sharing 5 tips that you can put into practice straight away if you find yourself in a season of disconnection and friction and tension in your long-term relationship, and you're feeling like you just don't know how to shift it. It's feeling really sticky, and maybe despite your best efforts, none of the things that you're trying as far as getting through to your partner or talking about the issue Or, you know, explaining what feels like it's missing. None of that's really moving the needle and you're feeling a bit disheartened and exasperated and maybe even unsure about where to go from here. So of course, this is a very, very common situation in long-term relationships. I think most long-term relationships probably go through seasons of disconnection. And frankly, even acknowledging that and zooming out and taking in the big picture, I think, can sometimes help us to feel a little less existential about it when we're in the trenches of that, because particularly if you struggle with anxious attachment patterns, it's really easy to zoom in and anxiety does love to zoom us in and convince us that things will always be this bad or worse, rather than maybe looking at the fact that we're in the trough of the cycle and that things will and often do improve.
[00:01:22]:
But nevertheless, even if things would improve on their own, I'm going to give you some more concrete things that you can do to sort of take matters into your own hands, to reclaim a sense of agency and momentum, which I think is really, really important. When we are in a bit of a funk and we feel like we've tried everything and nothing's working, feeling like there are things that we can do that are within our control, so we don't even necessarily need the other person's cooperation. I think that's hugely helpful in getting us unstuck and shifting the energy both within ourselves and in the broader relational environment. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we get into that, a quick reminder that my book, The Secure Self, is now available for preorder. I'm so grateful to the hundreds of you who've already purchased the book and claimed to the bonus package. For anyone who hasn't heard me share or needs a refresher, when you preorder the book, you can submit a form on my website to get access to a bonus package, which includes 3 workshops on the core wounds of anxious attachment. So the fear of abandonment or the abandonment wound is the first workshop.
[00:02:26]:
The fear of rejection is the second workshop, and that's just been released. So you'll get instant access to those 2. And then in December, there'll be a third workshop released on the unworthiness wound. And in addition to the workshops, you also get to come along along to some live Q&As with me so you can ask questions and get advice on whatever it is that you might be working through or pick my brains. So you get all of that for free when you preorder the book, and I'll put the link in the show notes with all of the details and instructions on how to claim that bonus package. And again, a huge thanks to anyone who has done that. The second quick announcement is just to let you know that I, along with every other person on the internet, am running a Black Friday sale. It's just gonna be for the Black Friday through Cyber Monday weekend, and it is the biggest sale that I run each year.
[00:03:12]:
I'm offering 2 bundles of my bestselling courses. So my Healing Anxious Attachment course is in both bundles, and then you can either, if you're in a relationship, get the relationship bundle, which includes my Secure Together couples course, or if you're going through a breakup, my Higher Love breakup course. So each bundle includes 2 courses that's sort of tailored to what your relationship status is and what you're wanting to focus on. And those bundles are at over 65% off the regular price. So without wanting to bombard you with more sales stuff at a time that is already very noisy, I will simply say that if you are maybe newer to my work or you've been around for a while and have thought about investing in one of my programmes and you've maybe been eyeing something, now is definitely a good time to check that out and maybe consider snapping up one of those bundles at a very heavily reduced price. So keep an eye out. If you're already on my email list, I'll send out an email when the sale goes live. If you're not and would like to be, I'll put a link in the show notes so that you can check out the sale when it goes live for Black Friday.
[00:04:21]:
Okay, so let's talk about what to do when you're in a relationship rut. Now, I do just want to emphasise before I get into these 5 tips what I'm talking about and what I'm not talking about when I say a relationship rut. So as I alluded to in the introduction, what I'm really describing here is that situation in generally a long-term relationship where we feel like we're in an extended period of disconnection, maybe arguing more, maybe a bit of a power struggle, maybe there's built-up resentment, frustration, tension that's never really getting resolved either because we're fighting really ineffectively and we're just having conflict that doesn't get resolved and repaired, or we've given up on fighting altogether and we're just coexisting while there's this mounting pile of stuff that sits unaddressed in the corner of the room, so to speak, and we're in a bit of a cold war. And both of those scenarios, or any variation of them, it's obviously really painful and really hard, particularly if you really want the relationship to work and you have some fear and anxiety around what it might mean if you're unable to climb this mountain and get to the other side. What is it going to mean if This is our new normal. And I think, as I said, anxiety will often convince us that things will only be this bad or worse. And so that feels really scary. Anxiety is not very optimistic by nature, so it isn't going to tell you things are going to get better.
[00:05:50]:
It's like, oh my gosh, it's always going to be this hard or maybe even harder. And so of course, at the same time as we're feeling sad or lonely or disconnected, we're also often carrying a lot of fear and stress. And then if you overlay onto that not knowing what to do about it or feeling like everything we've tried is backfiring or making it worse, that's a really, really tricky place to be hanging out. So I just wanna acknowledge and validate that if you're in that in any form, it makes a lot of sense. And the advice that I'm gonna give in today's episode is less focused on how to fix that head-on in terms of how to get through to your partner or convince them to do the work or anything in that vein. Not because that's the wrong approach, but because I find a lot of people who are in this position have already tried all of that without much success. And while there are certainly more effective ways of communicating with someone, and I obviously have lots of episodes that you can go and dig through that talk about conflict communication and having hard conversations, sometimes our laser focus on fixing the relationship and talking about everything that's wrong and not working, that can actually just weigh the relationship down even more and leave us feeling more disconnected and hopeless at a time when we really need to shift gears and find a way to restore a sense of connection and optimism and even lightness to counterbalance some of the hard stuff that we're wading through. Of course, that's not to suggest that we want to just turn a blind eye or sweep things under the rug or pretend that everything's fine when it isn't.
[00:07:28]:
That, for me at least, and I'm sure for many people listening, feels really intolerable when there's stuff that does feel like it needs attention. Pretending to be fine can really dial up our anxiety significantly because it feels like the house is on fire and we're just going about business as usual and pretending that it isn't. But equally, I think to continue that example, sometimes our anxiety will lead us to behave in ways that are tantamount to pouring fuel on the fire rather than actually putting out the fire. So the tips in today's episode are really focused on things that you can do. And my emphasis is there because I think that's a perfect antidote to the sense of powerlessness and overwhelm that we can feel when we've been trying everything and it isn't working and we really are in that relationship rut territory, only trying tactics that require the cooperation and willingness of our partner can just lead to more of the same. Okay, so the first tip that I have for you in getting out of a relationship rut is actually just to look at and focus on how you're feeling within and about yourself. So oftentimes when our relationship is feeling hard and heavy, We can drop a lot of the things that would support us to feel our best. Or maybe those things are just happening in tandem anyway, because life is feeling a bit heavy.
[00:08:47]:
But when we're feeling poorly about ourselves, whether that's mind, body, spirit, whether it's emotionally, physically, when we're not really tending to and taking care of ourselves and prioritising our wellbeing and our vitality, it's really easy for that energy of negativity to seep into the relationship. And I think what often happens is we either project out how we're feeling about ourselves and assume our partner is feeling that way about us. So if we're feeling really negatively and feeling very judgmental of ourselves, feeling like we're really lacking in confidence, then we can assume that whatever disconnection is happening in our relationship is because our partner sees us through those same eyes. And that can make everything feel very personal. That can really feed the rejection and unworthiness and abandonment fears that we already carry. And can make us much more sensitive and feel like all of the little things suddenly feel very big because it feels like it's all a function of us and our worth and value. And again, when we are operating from a starting point of not seeing our value and worth and not really feeling comfortable within ourselves, it's really easy to project that out. I think the other version, which kind of goes the other way, is that when we're just feeling like everything's hard and we're overwhelmed and we're feeling like shit within ourselves and about ourselves, we can then point the finger and blame our partner and they just become the villain and the cause of all bad things and all of our resentment and frustration just becomes directed at them, even if there are other causes of that being that we're just generally feeling like we're in a bit of a life rut.
[00:10:21]:
We're feeling stuck, we're feeling unfulfilled, we're feeling unsatisfied, none of our needs are being met, even if some of those needs are balls that are in our court that we've dropped and we're not really paying attention to. So either way, I think it really pays, and frankly, it's always good advice to really prioritise your wellbeing and your vitality and do that irrespective of whatever is happening in your relationship. And again, that's not to sugarcoat things Or to sweep everything under the rug or to pretend that everything's fine. It's actually just to go, I'm going to resource myself and take great care of myself because I'm worthy of feeling good and that's important to me. And trusting that all of the other parts of my life will only benefit from me taking great care of myself. So rather than using your relationship feeling hard or being in a rut as an excuse for not taking care of yourself, use that as a reason that you must absolutely prioritise taking care of yourself. Because it just takes out some of the variables, right? It allows you to see more clearly and take more ownership and responsibility rather than feeling like everything's hazy and fuzzy and there's lots of white noise and just everything's feeling hard, which then makes it trickier to isolate what's actually going on here and to be able to address what the underlying issue really is. So the more that we can be solving single variable equations rather than multivariable equations, I think that will always help.
[00:11:43]:
Okay. The next tip is to look at the broader environment and context that surrounds your relationship and just look at what you're up against. So this is particularly true if maybe you have kids or it's been a stressful time at work or there's financial stress. Like, life might be throwing you curveballs and it's really easy, particularly if there isn't a strong foundation of trust and togetherness and commitment and a sense of joining together as a team when things get hard, it's really easy to default to When things get hard, we turn on each other and we become islands and we blame each other. And all of those stories of resentment set in. And we have a bit of a blind spot around the fact that actually it's just a really stressful time. So it makes sense that we're struggling and it doesn't actually have to mean anything about our relationship or the other person. It's feeling hard because it is hard at the moment.
[00:12:37]:
And I think this is something that people oftentimes miss, whether it's a relational piece or just within themselves. It's so easy to not see the problem as being untenable circumstances or overwhelming circumstances. And I feel like I give this feedback all the time to people when they describe to me what's going on and all of the layers of maybe it's moving house or having young kids or just being laid off from a job and having sick parents and all of that stuff that's just really real and really heavy and really hard. And then feeling like, I don't know why we're fighting so much, or I don't know why we're feeling so disconnected. Sometimes Sometimes there's just too much weight being placed on a relationship. And, you know, sometimes those circumstances are outside of your control. And the best you can do is acknowledge it and really band together and go, this is feeling so hard. Look at what we're up against.
[00:13:33]:
Like, how can we try and love each other through this or support each other through this and not turn on each other? And really trying to see it as like us against the world, us against the problem. But other times, if there are circumstances that have a bit more flexibility, so it's more a problem of your own creation. Maybe you're taking on too much. Sometimes things have to shift. And rather than trying to internalise it and go, oh, there's something wrong with me, or there's something wrong with us, you might just zoom out and go, well, maybe there's something wrong with the situation. Maybe what we're trying to carry, maybe what we're up against is actually just creating too much stress and tension, and it's not healthy, and it's not working for us. So, are there factors there that need to shift so that we could lighten the load and actually just have a bit of breathing room to relax, to enjoy each other, to not be so burdened by all all of these things. So really just zooming out and taking a look at all of the circumstances that surround the relationship and acknowledging the bigness of that to the extent that that feels like it's part of it and that stress is weighing on the relationship that is maybe not about the relationship and finding ways to either support each other more effectively through that, acknowledging it as a thing that you're going through together rather than a thing that is wedging itself between you or is someone's fault.
[00:14:51]:
Or actually seeing if there's anything that can Okay, so the third tip, which is sort of coming off the back of the second tip around looking at what else is going on, is to put down all the heavy stuff and try and breathe some life back into the relationship. So as I alluded to in the introduction, I think we can have this attitude of there's all of this stuff that's not working, there's all of these unmet needs, there's all of these fights we keep having, and we need to just tackle all of that head on. And we need to talk about it, and we need to go to therapy, and we need to address all of that before anything else can happen. And again, I really, really understand where that comes from. I relate to it. But I think sometimes what that does is overwhelm a relationship and can lead us to feel like it's only ever heavy and it's only ever hard and we're only ever talking about what's wrong. And particularly if we don't have enough in the tank, we don't have enough goodwill built up, we don't have enough warmth and optimism about the relationship and towards each other in a particular season or more broadly. Broadly, to feel like that's a tunnel that's going to have a light at the end of it.
[00:15:56]:
It can actually just feel impossibly hard. And particularly if you're more anxious and you have a more avoidant partner, they have a much lower upper limit in terms of what they can take in that respect. The anxious partner will just keep pushing and working on it and trying to fix it, even when things are feeling so disconnected for such a long time and they're feeling really unsatisfied in the relationship. Usually that's not a deal breaker for someone with anxious attachment patterns. It's just something something that we need to fix. Whereas someone with avoidant patterns is more likely to be of the view that like, if you're only ever feeling like it's not working, then what are we really doing here? And I think as always, the, the healthy middle ground is probably somewhere in between. Like, yes, we don't want to ignore the problems, we don't want to pretend they're not there, but equally a relationship shouldn't only be hard stuff. And we do need to orient back towards the good and the lightness and the fun and the connection to counterbalance some of that bigger And a little disclaimer here, again, I'm talking about a relationship rut, season of disconnection.
[00:16:58]:
I'm not talking about major betrayals or breaches of trust or anything big that obviously does need to be directly addressed. So just to be very clear about what we are and aren't talking about here. But as far as what does it look like to lighten the load, to breathe some life in, it might just be organising a date night. It might be taking a trip together. It might just be doing something on a weekend that you wouldn't usually do, or that you used to do when you first got together and then you sort have dropped those balls because life got in the way. If you have kids, it might be getting a babysitter or finding some time to reconnect that isn't just functional and logistical and running around and feeling like you're constantly in life admin mode. Creating the space and oxygenating the relationship enough to actually enjoy each other. And I think bonus points if you can do that out in the world, because it can be very reinvigorating to a relationship To see your partner as a person out in the world rather than just like the person in the living room or the person who left their mug by the sink or left their towel on the floor or whatever, as the object of your frustration and resentment.
[00:18:07]:
Getting into a new environment and being able to enjoy each other away from all of that day-to-day stuff, I think that that can be really beneficial and can actually just remind you of why you love each other and why you chose each other and why this is a person that you have been in a relationship with and have committed to in whatever capacity, because we can lose sight of that when we're feeling really bogged down in the heavy. So, whatever that looks like, be creative, but find ways to breathe some life in, some novelty, some play, some lightness, some fun. You know, being out in the world, putting effort into getting dressed up, whatever it looks like. But I think that that can be a really nice counterbalance and reminder of like what we're really here for and why we love each other and why it's worth it to work on the hard stuff, because look at all of this good that sits underneath it. Okay. The next tip is get clear on what kind of relationship environment you want to live in and start embodying those traits. So leading by example. Now, this is something that I talk about in my book, and I include an exercise where you can sort of start to flesh this out for yourself and also figure out what gets in the way.
[00:19:20]:
But just Just to give you a bit of a Cliff Notes version, so often when we're feeling stuck in our relationship, we get into this tit-for-tat point-scoring mindset of, why should I be the one who has to insert whatever here? Why should I be the one who has to yield to their sensitivities? Or why should I be the one who works on cleaning up my communication when they're not putting in any effort? Or why should I be the one to try and meet their needs or give them compliments or be more affectionate or be more positive and express gratitude when they're not doing any of those things. That's so unfair, right? And it just becomes another place for us to put our resentment. And again, I get it. That's a place that I can go myself, so I really do understand. But here's the thing. If we want our relationships to be characterised by warmth and love and appreciation and care and consideration and whatever else, right? Choose your own adventure in terms of what really matters to you and what you want your relationship to feel like. Withholding those qualities because it's unfair and you shouldn't have to is just the most self-defeating thing you could possibly do, right? Saying, I'm not going to be loving because you're not being loving, is really just like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies, right? You'll never get what you want from doing that. And equally, I don't think you will ever come up short or lose by embodying the sorts of qualities and values that are really important to you.
[00:20:49]:
Because it just feels better, right, to lead with warmth and open-heartedness and grace and gratitude and whatever else, it is a much nicer way to move through life than huffing and puffing with your arms folded and this attitude of, why should I have to be the one to? So get really clear for yourself on what kind of relationship do I want to be in? What kind of environment do I want that to be? What do I want my relationship to feel like? Who do I want to be as a partner and in this relationship? And can I start embodying those traits irrespective of what my partner is doing? And again, this is not about overgiving or having no boundaries or whatever. It's actually just like, where do I wanna live from? And what does it look like for me to be open-hearted and in integrity in how I show up and conduct myself? And for that to not be something that's transactional or something that I only give and then take away based on what they're doing. Because I think that that kind of misses the point and again, is very self-defeating. Okay. And last but not least, again, this is sort of related to the previous point, but orient heavily towards gratitude and appreciation wherever you can. Now, I know that this can feel challenging if you have a very long shopping list of all of the things that your partner is doing wrong, or the unmet needs, or the frustrations, or the resentments. You probably haven't been collecting a list of things that you are grateful for and appreciative of, and all the reasons you love your partner. But that is all the more reason to consciously orient towards that and express gratitude and appreciation and warmth wherever you can.
[00:22:22]:
And again, I would really encourage you to just put down the Well, they're not going to do it, so why should I have to? Because that's not going to lead to more warmth and gratitude and love and appreciation and connection. So if that is what you want, you're actually going to have to be humble and be willing to actually lead by example. And really just to remind yourself that like people are motivated in environments where they feel valued and like their contributions are acknowledged. It is not motivating to anyone in any context to feel constantly criticised and have a spotlight and a magnifying glass on everything that you're doing wrong and every mistake you make and every place that you're falling short. Just as that is very uninspiring in a work context, if that was your working environment and your boss and your colleagues were only ever magnifying your flaws and your shortcomings, you would not feel inspired to do your best in that workplace. You'd feel anxious and stressed and you probably just would dread going to work every day. And a lot of us don't realise that that's what our relationship environments have become. So again, it's not about ignoring the stuff that needs work, But it's letting that exist alongside a baseline of love and warmth and gratitude and appreciation, and recognising that that is worth the effort to create that kind of open channel in your relationship, and that that will only yield more of what you want.
[00:23:46]:
If you're expressing sincere gratitude for what someone does or the ways that they do show up, you're much more likely to get more of that from them because that feels worthwhile and rewarding. And I think we all appreciate being seen for what we do and feeling valued for that rather than feeling invisible in our efforts and having all of our imperfections held over us and constantly used as a basis to tell us what we're not doing right. Okay, so that was 5 tips to help you get out of a relationship rut. And as is always the case at the moment, this pregnant lady is very out of breath, so I'm gonna leave it there. Thank you so much for joining me. I really hope that this is helpful. I hope that you feel energised by the fact that there are things that you can do irrespective of what your partner's doing or not doing to start to shift the energy a bit in your relationship. And trust that even if your partner doesn't respond in kind, if they don't mirror your efforts or change anything that they're doing, you really can't lose by doing any of these things.
[00:24:48]:
You can't lose by focusing on your wellbeing, embodying those sorts of loving traits and qualities that really represent who and how you want to be in relationships. I see there being virtually zero zero downside to doing any of that. So I do hope that that's been helpful and I'm sending lots of love to everyone listening, but particularly anyone who's in that situation, because I do know how hard it is and how big it can feel to be stuck in that place. But hopefully today's episode has at least given you a starting point. Okay. Sending you lots of love, guys. Thank you so much for joining me and I'll see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
relationship rut, long-term relationship, disconnection, friction, tension, anxious attachment, relationship cycle, agency, self-care, wellbeing, vitality, resentment, conflict, power struggle, stress, relationship environment, gratitude, appreciation, connection, communication, optimism, relationship tips, couples course, emotional wellbeing, abandonment wound, rejection wound, unworthiness wound, Black Friday sale, relationship advice, relationship repair, relationship strategies