#279: When an Old Love Resurfaces and Starts Pulling Away (Ask Steph)
There are few things more disorienting than feeling someone you love begin to pull away.
Maybe the relationship had been going beautifully. You felt connected, hopeful, and secure in where things were heading. And then something shifted.
They became less available. Less communicative. Less emotionally present.
You can feel the distance, but you don't necessarily understand where it came from. And if you have anxious attachment patterns, that shift can activate a very familiar response:
They pull away, and you instinctively want to move closer.
You might reach out more, offer more support, ask more questions, or become increasingly focused on figuring out what changed and how you can get things back to where they were.
That response makes sense. But it can also lead us into a painful pattern where, in trying desperately not to lose someone else, we start losing ourselves.
Why Someone Might Pull Away During a Difficult Time
When someone we care about is going through something hard, our instinct might be to move towards them. We want to support them, care for them, and remind them that they don't have to navigate whatever they're facing alone.
But not everyone responds to vulnerability that way.
For people with more avoidant attachment patterns, difficult circumstances can actually intensify their instinct to withdraw.
Rather than leaning on the people closest to them, they may retreat inward. They might feel more comfortable dealing with things alone, struggle with feeling like a burden, or feel safer when they aren't relying too heavily on another person.
Being cared for can itself feel incredibly vulnerable when you're not accustomed to receiving support.
So someone's withdrawal isn't necessarily proof that they don't care about you or that the relationship wasn't meaningful.
There can be a lot happening beneath the surface.
And while understanding that can help us respond with compassion, compassion for another person shouldn't require abandoning ourselves.
The Anxious Instinct to Chase Connection
When someone pulls away, the anxiously attached part of us often believes there is one urgent task:
Get them to come back.
If they become distant, we move closer.
If they communicate less, we communicate more.
If they seem uncertain, we try harder to prove that the relationship is worth choosing.
Underneath all of this is often the belief:
I'm only okay if they're close.
So instead of asking ourselves what we need, we become consumed with figuring out what they need from us in order to stay.
Should I give them more space?
Should I check in?
Should I be more understanding?
Should I avoid bringing up how I feel because they're already dealing with enough?
These questions can sound caring, but when they're driven by fear, they can quickly become strategies for managing another person's behaviour.
And ultimately, we cannot control whether another person stays or goes.
Trying to create our own safety by controlling someone else's closeness leaves us incredibly vulnerable.
You Can Have Compassion and Still Have Needs
Perhaps the person pulling away has a very understandable reason for doing so.
They might be grieving, overwhelmed, frightened, unwell, or navigating something you can't fully understand.
You can have enormous compassion for that.
And you still exist in the relationship.
Your feelings, needs, boundaries, and wellbeing don't disappear simply because the other person is going through something difficult.
If a relationship starts existing entirely on one person's terms — where they can come close and pull away without communication while the other person waits patiently for whatever connection is available — it creates fertile ground for anxiety and insecurity.
This is where many of us slip into being endlessly accommodating.
Don't worry about me.
I don't want to put pressure on you.
I'll take whatever you can give me.
I'm just here if you need me.
There is nothing wrong with being loving, generous, flexible, or supportive.
But there needs to be a you in there too.
Before You Talk to Them, Talk to Yourself
When someone is pulling away, we often immediately focus on the conversation we need to have with them.
But there's another conversation that needs to happen first.
The one with yourself.
Ask yourself:
What version of this relationship am I actually available for?
Not: What will they agree to?
Not: What can I tolerate so they don't leave?
Not: How little can I ask for without scaring them away?
What do you genuinely want to create?
What kind of communication do you need?
What level of consistency feels healthy for you?
What does commitment mean to you?
And perhaps most importantly:
What is the current dynamic costing me?
If you're constantly anxious, waiting, worrying, analysing, or feeling shut out, that matters.
When we're terrified of losing someone, our standards for what we're willing to accept can quietly start slipping.
The alternative — losing the relationship altogether — feels so painful that we convince ourselves having some version of the relationship is better than having none.
But holding onto someone at the expense of your own wellbeing isn't the same thing as creating a secure relationship.
Have the Brave Conversation
Once you're clear on what you need, there may be a conversation to have.
Not an ultimatum.
Not an attempt to force someone into giving you reassurance.
And not a carefully calculated strategy designed to make them stop pulling away.
Instead, it's an honest conversation about what you're creating together.
What is this relationship?
What are we committing to?
What does staying connected look like when one of us is going through something difficult?
What do we each need?
What isn't going to work?
You can honour what someone else is experiencing while also standing firmly in what is and isn't sustainable for you.
That is very different from trying to control their response.
Because the hardest part isn't always having the conversation.
It's trusting what happens afterwards.
When Self-Respect Means Accepting an Answer You Didn't Want
Sometimes we gather the courage to say what we need — only to discover that the other person can't or won't meet us there.
And that's often the moment when fear takes over.
We backpedal.
Forget what I said.
It's fine.
We can keep doing things your way.
Because suddenly the possibility of losing them feels much worse than continuing in a dynamic we already know is hurting us.
This is where we can find ourselves on the cliff edge of self-abandonment.
Self-respect asks us to resist the urge to negotiate away our own needs simply because we're afraid of the alternative.
That doesn't mean relationships need to be perfect. It doesn't mean walking away the moment someone struggles.
It means recognising when holding onto another person is requiring you to repeatedly let go of yourself.
Sometimes the Present Reactivates the Past
There can also be another layer to these situations.
Sometimes the person pulling away isn't just this person in this moment.
The experience touches something older.
Maybe you've spent much of your life fearing abandonment. Maybe you've repeatedly found yourself wondering why someone wouldn't fully choose you. Maybe this relationship represents a chance to finally receive the love or commitment you once longed for.
When that happens, the stakes can feel enormous.
A part of you isn't simply hoping this relationship works.
It's hoping the story finally ends differently.
That longing deserves tenderness.
But it also makes staying anchored in yourself even more important.
You Don't Have to Choose Between Love and Yourself
You can be a champion for the love story.
You can hope deeply that the relationship works.
You can have compassion for someone's fear, pain, overwhelm, or instinct to withdraw.
And you can remain devoted to yourself at the same time.
Those things are not mutually exclusive.
Our job isn't to guarantee that nobody ever leaves us.
It's to build enough self-trust that when relationships become uncertain, we don't immediately leave ourselves in an attempt to make someone else stay.
Sometimes that means having a brave conversation.
Sometimes it means giving someone space.
Sometimes it means recognising that what another person is able to offer isn't enough for you.
Whatever the outcome, the invitation is the same:
Love them if you choose to. Support them where you can. Hope for the relationship. But make sure there is still a you in there too.
Because the goal isn't simply to avoid being abandoned.
It's to know that, whatever happens, you won't abandon yourself.
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[00:01:30]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are trying something a little different. It is an Ask Steph episode, as we've done before, but I'm trialling something where I've invited listeners to submit a voice note. So to ask a question in their own words, and I'm going to share the voice note here on the podcast so that you can hear their storey with a little bit more context than when I usually just read out a one-line question. And we're going to be kicking off with that new format today as a bit of a trial. So I'm going to be sharing shortly a question that was submitted to me when I put the call out on Instagram. And I'm also going to put the link in the episode description for anyone who's interested in submitting a question for a future episode that might be then selected to form part of an episode of the podcast. And of course, totally up to you what you share, and I will not include any identifying information beyond what you've included in your voice note.
[00:02:29]:
So if you're concerned about privacy, then rest assured that you are in control of what you share and what gets shared. Okay, so with all of that being said, I'm going to hit play on this voice note that was submitted.
[00:02:41]:
Hi Steph, I'm 77 years old. 45 years ago, I was in love. with a man for 4 years. He wasn't ready to commit and I moved on. I had a 40-year marriage. My husband passed away 3 years ago. Last fall, this man contacted me and we've been together ever since. It has been fantastic.
[00:03:04]:
Everything's been great. He was always the one that got away from me. Anyway, all of a sudden he's backing off. I don't know if you call it a fearful avoidant or not, but it was very sudden. And then slowly, he's not 100% there. He still calls me. We still talk. He's just been diagnosed with cancer, so I've been trying to be there for him.
[00:03:29]:
But I don't know how to feel about all this. It's just, it's a lifetime of knowing this guy and, um, you know, I'm just not sure. Any input?
[00:03:39]:
Okay.
[00:03:40]:
So thank you for submitting the question. And, you know, it's interesting, obviously the specifics of your situation are Yeah. But the broad contours are actually quite common, something that I encounter in answering people's questions and supporting students in my programmes. This situation of being in a marriage or a long-term relationship, and that ends whether because you separate or because a partner passes away, and then having this intense first relationship after that long-term relationship, and that feeling like it really bowls you over. And feeling like, you know, that's the one that's really activated a lot of your patterns, or that's feeling really hard to let go of, or that you're feeling very preoccupied with and consumed by. And I think it pulls on a few threads. There's the nostalgia and the longing of this being a person from 40 years ago, 45 years ago, that you once loved and that you had hope around and that you had to let go of once before, and that you've always had in your mind as the one who got away. For him to reenter the scene all these years later, once your husband had passed away and you were presumably grappling with, you know, the reality of life without him after 40 years of marriage.
[00:05:06]:
And so to have this person burst back into your life like a flame and for you to be together, I can imagine that that would feel wonderful. And that It might feel really revitalising and that it's maybe brought an unexpected spark back to your life. You know, the joy and excitement of early connection with someone and particularly with all of that background and history. So it makes so much sense that that's been really amazing and that it's feeling so hard and so confusing and disorienting to have him pulling away and feel like he's slipping through your fingers and you don't really know what to do about it. And, you know, this is the part, I think that many people listening who can't relate to the specifics will at least be able to relate to that sense of feeling really excited about a new connection, feeling really invested, feeling maybe like it's everything you ever wanted, but then to feel the shift happen and feel that turn and feel like something's changing and I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it. And of course, for Most of us with anxious attachment patterns, the instinct when that shift happens is to follow. You know, if they pull back, our instinct is to lean in further, to give more, to ask more questions, to try and pull them back towards us, or, you know, chase after them so that we don't lose them. But if, as you've suggested, he has fearful avoidant patterns or some other intimacy block, and you mentioned that he's been recently diagnosed with cancer.
[00:06:45]:
I mean, that's a very vulnerable time for him as well as for you, of course, loving him, to know that he's unwell and in need of care, but feeling like you can't provide that. You know, that's very layered and there's a lot there. But I think it's important to understand that for many people, and particularly people with more avoidant patterns, when hard things happen, their instinct is not to lean on those closest. It's actually to pull away. pull back a lot of the time. And without knowing anything about what his life has looked like over the past 40 years while you were married, you know, maybe he's not been accustomed to relying on others. Maybe that's still an edge for him and his muscle memory tells him to pull back and that he's got to go it alone. He doesn't want to burden others, that it's better to not become too invested because it raises the stakes and maybe he feels more in control when it's just him.
[00:07:45]:
And he can look after himself. Because I think that the reality is being cared for by someone is a vulnerable experience if it's not something that you're used to. Even at the same time as so many of us, I think, deeply long for that care and support, receiving it is a whole nother thing. So just to say that there's lots of pieces there, and it makes sense that it feels hard in all of the ways that it does, and that You would be feeling particularly vulnerable and maybe overwhelmed, feeling like there's this delicate balancing act where you finally got this precious thing that you've longed for, for most of your life, even if kind of relegated to the background of your memory, and to finally now have it and feel like it's slipping away, whether because he's sick or because he's emotionally disconnecting somewhat. It makes sense that your system would be really ramping up in response to all of that. Now, of course, that's all well and good, but what do you do about it? I think there's a few pieces and, you know, whenever I'm giving people advice in these sorts of situations where someone's pulling away, I'm always reluctant to give advice that falls into the category of strategizing with you to make them not pull away. Because I actually think that part of us that wants to strategize, that wants to bring them back, that wants to stop them from leaving, that's part of our insecurity that we actually ultimately want to be shifting away from rather than continuing to rely on as the way that we create safety for ourselves. Because for most of us, that's what we know and that's what we do.
[00:09:23]:
But it keeps us locked in this mindset and this pattern of, I'm only okay if they're close. And so if they pull away, my only job and the only thing that I can really do to create safety for myself, to make it all be okay again, is to get them to come back. And of course, that that sets up a real imbalance in so many ways and makes us feel incredibly vulnerable because ultimately we can't control whether they stay or go. So I think there's 2 pieces. Relationally, I think you've got to have a conversation and be really clear around, you know, what are we doing here? What is this connection that we are exploring with each other? What is it going to look like? What are our commitments to each other? What are the ground rules, so to speak? What are the parameters? Because for it to exist on his terms where he sort of comes and goes and, you know, sometimes is there and then sometimes pulls way back without really communicating, that's just such a recipe for anxiety for you. Even if there's really good reason within him in that he's carrying a lot and he's overwhelmed and he's afraid, you know, you still exist in that equation. And just letting him do as he pleases, you know, because you don't want to push him away or you don't want to put pressure on him, again, that just sets up an imbalance that, you know, you probably don't want to be setting up for yourself. So you can absolutely have compassion for him.
[00:10:46]:
You can have a conversation that really honours how big this is likely to be for him, while also standing firm in what's going to work for you and what isn't going to work for you. And I think in order to have that conversation, you need to have a conversation with yourself first and foremost, where you figure out what the answer to that question is. Because again, for so many of us, when we want something, when we want someone, and we're just so desperate to hold on, we can really slip in what we tolerate And the version of that that we accept because we're scared. We're scared of the alternative being nothing, being losing them. But I think that really one of the most self-respecting, self-honoring things that you can do is get really clear for yourself, what version of this am I available for? And what is it costing me to be in the current mode where it's, you know, halfway in, halfway out, cloaked in uncertainty and leaving me feeling really anxious and worried and shut out? Obviously, that's not sustainable, and it's going to continue to cause you pain and distress. And I think you have to be an advocate for yourself as much as you're an advocate for him, rather than just stepping into that role of accommodation and caretaking and flexibility and low maintenance and, don't worry about me, I'll just take whatever I can get, and let me take care of you. I think, you know, it's beautiful to wanna be there for him through all of the seasons, but you need to make sure there's a you in there.
[00:12:20]:
Yeah.
[00:12:20]:
there as well. So I think there's a conversation to be had with yourself around what version of this am I really longing for, and what am I wanting to create here? And then being brave enough to have that conversation in a firm but loving way, and trusting that whatever flows from that is the right outcome. And I think that's the really hard part, because we can pluck up the courage to have the conversation, but if it doesn't go the way we're hoping, if they don't respond in a way that kind of meets us in our desires, then we can quickly backpedal and say, well, then Don't worry, forget what I said. We'll just continue on, on your terms. Again, because the alternative feels so painful and scary. But that is really where we can find ourselves on the cliff edge of self-abandonment. And we really have to be brave enough to not carry on if we know that it's going to cost us dearly in terms of our own wellbeing, just to hold on to someone else. So I'm sending you lots of love.
[00:13:16]:
I can only imagine that this situation is bringing up all sorts of probably really old fears and wounds around abandonment and unworthiness and, you know, why, why won't he fully choose me? The fact that you'd been together all those years ago and then he couldn't commit and you had to let go, feeling like there's a reenactment of that pain all these years later. And of course, there's a big part of you that wants it to end differently. But I think that you just have to really be courageous in leading from self-respect and self-devotion. At the same time as you're really a champion for the love storey. And I sincerely hope that your love storey with this person can continue because what an amazing storey. But I think it's really important that you make sure you are cared for and respected in amongst that. And that is, you know, always our job first and foremost, to make sure that we're cared for and respected by declining to participate in dynamics where we are not. So Thank you so much for submitting the question.
[00:14:19]:
I'm sending you lots of love. And for anyone else listening, I hope that this has been helpful for you. It's, as I said, a bit of a different format. It's not gonna be every week that I'll do this, but I will weave them in subject to your feedback, whether you found this more coaching and advice style of episode helpful. So do feel free to comment and let me know if you've enjoyed it. And of course, if you would like to submit your own question, the link to that is in the episode description. And I suppose I should mention as well, this gives you a good feel of the kind of advice and support that I give to students in my programmes. We have, you know, regular live Q&A calls where we can connect, and we also have a community space where people ask questions and I leave voice notes and, and offer my thoughts and advice on whatever it is that they are struggling with.
[00:15:02]:
So if that feels like something that you might benefit from, you might consider looking into one of my programmes and the community support that goes along with that. Okay. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. Sending you lots of love, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Ask Steph episode, relationship advice, long-term relationships, marriage after loss, rekindled romance, old love, fear of abandonment, avoidant attachment, fearful avoidant, cancer diagnosis, emotional withdrawal, navigating grief, self-advocacy in relationships, anxious attachment patterns, communication in relationships, intimacy issues, caregiving, vulnerability in relationships, boundaries in relationships, relationship uncertainty, nostalgia in romance, letting go, coping with loss, self-respect, self-honouring choices, compromise in relationships, supportive communities, coaching and advice