When Your Partner Doesn't Want to Do The Work
In today's episode, we're talking about what to do when your partner doesn't want to work on the relationship. This is an incredibly common dynamic, to have one partner who wants to actively work on things and another partner who is more resistant (which can often overlap with anxious-avoidant dynamics).
We’ll cover:
Why your partner might be feeling resistant to doing "the work"
How different people make meaning out of needing to work on a relationship
Ways to dismantle fear stories your partner might have
Why it's entirely valid to value growth in a partnership
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for my new couples course, Secure Together
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Youtube
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode we are going to be talking all about what to do when your partner doesn't want to do the work. So when one of you is really wanting to grow and wanting to actively work on the relationship, whether that's from a place of need, as in the relationships in dire straits and you know that that kind of work is required in order for the relationship to survive, or maybe you're wanting the relationship to go from okay to great. But in either scenario or any combination of those or anywhere in between, it's a really common dynamic that one person is more invested or more proactive about wanting to work on the relationship and they are met with resistance from the other person who is maybe not as interested in personal development kind of work.
[00:01:23]:
Maybe doesn't want to look at the dynamics in the relationship with a critical lens and see where things could be better. So it's really very normal and as I said, very common for couples to find themselves in this kind of situation. And I'm going to share some thoughts on how you can tackle that, how you can think about it and some paths forward for you if that's the situation that you find yourself in and you're really wanting to be. Able to connect with your partner and get to be on the same page or at least have some common goals around what you desire for the relationship and how you can work together to head in the right direction. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. You might have heard me recently sharing that I have a new course for couples in the works which is really exciting. We've now landed on a name. So the course is going to be called Secure together and it will be all about navigating anxious avoidant dynamics in a way that allows you to really meet in the middle and not only both be compromising in a way that feels suboptimal, but where you can really find joy and peace and love and connection in a way that just doesn't feel so stressful and threatening and oppositional all the time.
[00:02:41]:
Because as I know all too wells and I'm sure many of you know, that can certainly be where it goes without the tools and the skills and the awareness to shift out of our default pattern. So Secure Together will be launching in a few weeks time and I have a waitlist up and running for those who are interested to learn more. If you're on the waitlist, you will receive first access and also very discounted pricing, so it's definitely worth jumping on that. Waitlist, all of that is linked in the show. Note for anyone who is interested, the second quick announcement is just to share. I've been reflecting on the podcast and the future of the podcast. This sounds like an ominous announcement, but it isn't, I promise, and wanting the podcast to feel sustainable and viable, hopefully for a long time to come. And for that reason, I've decided to shift back to one episode per week from the current two episodes per week.
[00:03:37]:
As you can imagine, it takes a lot of time and energy and resources to be putting out two episodes a week, every week. And in the interest of making sure that, as I said, the podcast can continue to be around and putting out new content for you all every week for a long time to come, in order for that to feel sustainable on my side, I've decided to shift back to one episode per week. So that'll be happening shortly. And in case anyone notices, maybe no one would have noticed anyway, but in case you are an avid listener who tunes in twice a week, I just want to say I'm so grateful for you and there will be still podcasts every week, but we'll be shifting back to one. So thank you in advance for your understanding and for your ongoing support. I'm very appreciative of you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around what to do when your partner doesn't want to do the work. So I really do just want to emphasise, and I know I said this in the introduction, I really want to emphasise how common and normal this is.
[00:04:34]:
So to the extent that you're in that kind of dynamic and you're feeling really frustrated and really isolated and maybe feeling powerless or hopeless, maybe you're wondering if this means you shouldn't be with this person and it shouldn't be so hard and why don't they care? All of those stories are really understandable and I've certainly been there, but I do just want to emphasise that it's very, very common. I think in most cases you will have one partner who's more keen and one partner who's more resistant. That doesn't have to mean anything in and of itself, it's just that we often find ourselves in those sorts of dynamics. Obviously, with the attachment overlay, we can see that someone who leans more anxious is likely to be very invested in wanting to do the work. Oftentimes, I would argue from a place of almost of fear and seeking to feel in control, because if we're constantly talking about the relationship and improving it and all of that, we're plugging all the holes in the ship all the time and then nothing can ever happen. We're like proactively problem solving and protecting the relationship at all costs. And it's not to say that's a bad trait, but I think it's really important no matter where you sit on the spectrum of willingness to do work in your relationship. It's good to be self aware and it's good to reflect on what's this really about.
[00:05:53]:
For me, is this a values thing? And I think that's a completely valid values thing or is this an insecurity and a fear thing? Or maybe it's some combination of those and just sifting through that so that we can come to these conversations in our relationships with a lot of self awareness and a lot of self responsibility that allows us to meet. Our partner in kind of honesty and vulnerability rather than attack and blame and projection, which I think is what can happen when we feel frustrated and exasperated and we make the other person the problem. We say you're the reason that we're like this because I want to do the work and you're the roadblock, you're the impasse, so you just have to change and then everything will be fine. I think we can really easily fall into that kind of story and project that in a way that spoiler alert, tends not to work very well and tends to lead to more resistance in the other person. Quite understandably. So what do we do with this with a partner who's really resistant? I think that as with all things, I know how frustrating it is, but it really can be very helpful to get curious about the source of their resistance, right? So rather than just making them wrong for their resistance and their reluctance to do the work. Go okay, what might this signify to you? What is it about working on our relationship that feels threatening to you in some way or that feels unsafe or that scares you or stresses you out? And for a lot of people with more avoidant patterns, the idea of needing to work on a relationship is maybe quite foreign or at the very least, quite intensely vulnerable. Because particularly if you've been in a relationship dynamic where the status quo is having these big, long, heavy emotional conversations for 3 hours, where you spin around in circles, and for someone who leans more towards avoidant patterns, that is likely to be a very emotionally exhausting experience that they're going to have a lot of resistance to.
[00:07:53]:
Again, quite understandably. And so they might think of doing more work on your relationship as being tantamount to signing up for more of that. So getting curious, what is working on the relationship? What does that mean to you? What does that look like to you and what does it signify or symbolise? What does it mean about our relationship to you if we are doing work on it? For some people and I think this is hopefully becoming less true now, I think there's cultural shifts taking place, but certainly a more old fashioned view would be that you shouldn't have to talk about it or work on it. And I think that some more avoidant folks can have the perspective of if it's that much work, it's not worth it. And that just means that something's broken, it's not a good fit, so I'll just go find someone else where that work isn't required and that is my solution. And there are people who are more than happy to be in a relationship for years, decades, a lifetime, and not do this kind of work. So it's not wrong, but it's just finding compatibility in that respect. And I think for a lot of people nowadays, and certainly I know for probably the majority of people listening to this podcast, there is a desire to grow in relationship and there is a desire to deepen emotionally and to not just get by, but to really thrive in love together.
[00:09:19]:
And I think that's a beautiful thing to value and to fight for. So I think that all of that to say, it can be really helpful to get clear for each of you on what the work means. And if there's some confusion there or you're faced with resistance, maybe you could share with a partner that I'm not doing this because I think that this is broken and you're doing something wrong and I'm trying to change you or any other stories that you think you might need to dismantle. But really because I love our relationship and I really want to invest in it in the same way that I'd invest in any other part of my life that I really valued and wanted to nurture. You do exercise to take care of your health or you would take lessons in dance if you wanted to learn to be a better dancer. And it doesn't mean that there's something wrong there or that we need to get defensive or protective of the thing. But I think oftentimes we have all of these really unrealistic expectations of how easy relationships should be. And that if you are doing work together, if you're going to couples counselling, if you're having big talks about your feelings or if you're reading a relationship book or doing a course together, that that means that there's something wrong and that you're failing.
[00:10:44]:
And I think for some people more than others, that can be a real point of sensitivity and can bring up a lot of stuff and it can bring up a lot of those defence mechanisms that we can see, whether that's avoidance or denial or projection or any number of things that basically deflect away from the need to look deeper. Because that can feel quite confronting for some. So getting really clear, making sure that when you're trying to talk to your partner about this stuff, that you're not bringing the energy of blame and attack because that's just going to provide evidence in support of the fear story that someone's likely harbouring if they have a lot of resistance. So really trying to dismantle that and leading by example, by showing like I don't think there's anything wrong. I just really would love for us to go deeper or to expand or build more joy, more fun, more peace, more play, more intimacy, because that really matters to me and because I love you. So I think that's a very different angle than dragging someone by the scruff of their neck to counselling because you've had enough and this is a last resort. I think that's going to be really hard because, of course, for a lot of people, that will bring up resistance because they feel very powerless and they feel like they're being maybe that they're going to be ambushed. I think that's a really common dynamic when it comes to couples therapy as well, that you're just recruiting someone who's going to take your side and tell me all of the ways that I'm bad.
[00:12:16]:
So really getting clear around what the objective is, what your intentions are, explaining why it's important to you, really forefronting your values in that, and how growth is really important for you as an individual and for the two of you as a couple. And that feels really important to the ongoing thriving of the relationship and ensuring that it doesn't get lazy or complacent or stagnant as so many relationships do. I think the other important thing to say is that you're allowed to value growth and you're allowed to really prioritise that. I think I've said it on the podcast before where I'm at in my life now, I wouldn't be open to a relationship with someone who wasn't interested in growing in the way that I am. It doesn't have to be in the exact way that I am or at the exact point in my journey that I'm at. I'm not telling you that you need to recruit someone who is your exact copy. I don't think that's advisable or realistic, but alignment is important. And if growth and development is of the utmost priority to you, and that really is a high ranking value for you in your own life and in your relationships, then I think it's totally valid to stand behind that and to convey the gravity of that or the magnitude of that desire to a partner.
[00:13:45]:
And ultimately, of course, it's going to vary hugely depending on the circumstances if you've been with someone for 20 years versus if you're dating someone for two months. Right? So I'm not going to lay down the law on what you should do in any of those situations, but rather just to really validate that that is a perfectly understandable desire and value. And that's certainly something that I value very highly and very appreciative of in my own relationship, that my partner and I are aligned on, that it's something that we'll be speaking about, I think I mentioned at the last episode I might not have here. Joel, my partner, will be featuring in the new course on couple stuff and anxious avoidant dynamics. And it's something that we'll be speaking to these dynamics in the context of anxious avoidant relationships. But yeah, just to say that you don't have to shy away from that if you know that's really important to you. And while it might not look exactly the same, someone's work might look really different to yours. Just because your partner doesn't want to read a book about relationships that you thought was an amazing book doesn't mean that they don't care about the relationship.
[00:14:51]:
Just because they don't want to do an online course or listen to this podcast with you. It doesn't have to mean anything. You don't get to control the exact steps that they take. But I think some people will say to me, my partner says I don't need to do any work on myself because I like myself the way I am. Full stop, end of conversation. And I think that can be hard to work with, particularly when the relationship is struggling and someone's deflecting all of the attention away from themselves and suggesting that they've not got work to do. That can be hard to work with and that can be hard to build with that kind of attitude. So I just wanted to say that to validate that you don't have to struggle through that.
[00:15:34]:
Particularly, as I said, if it's earlier in a relationship and if you're not in a relationship at the moment, I would really encourage you to get clear. This is a bit of a sidebar, but write down what your values are, write down what's really important to you, and willingness to grow together can absolutely be a high ranking value of yours. And so you can have that front of mind when you're dating people, when you're connecting with new people and making sure that you're screening for that to make sure that you're aligned because it can make a big difference down the road. Okay, so I hope that has been helpful. I realise we jumped around a bit there, but just to recap, it's so normal to have resistance. It doesn't necessarily mean that there's something wrong with your partner or your relationship. I think most couples will encounter some form of this at some point in the journey, so don't get too down and out if this is the situation that you're in. And try to be somewhat open minded and curious as to what purpose their resistance might be serving.
[00:16:34]:
What are they protecting behind that resistance? What feels really vulnerable or edgy for them about the idea of doing work together? And how might you offer them some additional context communication, dismantling some of those stories that they might have around what it means to do the work and really explain why for you it doesn't have to mean all bad things and really quite the contrary. It's a sign of how much you love and appreciate them and how much you value the relationship can be a really helpful reframe. Also that you are allowed to value this. You don't need to downplay that or deny that, because it's a totally valid need. But also, just try and be somewhat flexible around not needing a partner's journey and their work to look exactly the same as yours, because oftentimes it won't. And I think sometimes when we're expecting someone to have the same path as us, that's when we can get a bit controlling and judgmental, and that tends to make the resistance worse. I really hope that that has been helpful. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave a review or a rating.
[00:17:38]:
It really does help so much, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.