#47 ‘We’ve been together a year and I’ve just seen he’s still using Tinder. Can trust be rebuilt?”
"We've been together a year and I've just seen he's still using Tinder. Can trust be rebuilt?" Today's episode is a community Q&A, and I'm answering a hard question about rebuilding after discovering a breach of trust.
Today's episode is a community Q&A, and I'm answering a hard question about rebuilding after discovering a breach of trust.
WHAT WE COVER:
things to look for when deciding whether to stay & rebuild after infidelity
the importance of the other person taking ownership & responsibility for the harm caused
what it really takes to rebuild trust
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
For a deeper dive on deciding whether to stay or go, check out Episode 19 of the show (Should I Stay or Should I Go?).
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
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Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q and A, and I'm answering the question. We've been together a year, and I've just seen he's still using tinder. Can trust be rebuilt?
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So this is a big one, and whoever's question this was, I got this one via Instagram. I'm sending you out a lot of love because obviously that's a pretty shitty situation to be in. So I'm going to be diving into that can trust be rebuilt? And the circumstances under which you might want or not want to go through that process with someone. Some questions to ask yourself, some things to look out for, and some guiding principles in my mind on how to make that decision and how to embark on that process together.
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Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share the featured review, which says tell everyone you know Stephanie is the voice you've been looking for. She's distilled the weightiness of attachment theory into easy to digest chunks that can be applied to real life immediately. Though I previously felt I understood attachment, I was operating with an incomplete image for the first time. I not only know my attachment style, but what I can do about it to connect and empathise more deeply with those I care about. And honestly, I would listen just for a voice more regulating than any meditation I know.
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I've told everyone I know about this podcast, and I think you will, too. It's truly important work, and Stephanie brings wonderful clarity and compassion to this project. Thank you so much for that lovely review. I really do appreciate it, and I appreciate you sharing with the people in your life. Word of mouth goes such a long way for those of us putting our work out into the world and trying to build small businesses, so I really do appreciate it so much.
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If that was your review, if you could just send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Another quick announcement is just to let you know that I'm running a flash sale on all of my Master classes and my Higher Love course. So you're able to save 50%, which is the biggest discount I've ever given on these with the code loveyou. One word that includes my better boundaries masterclass, sex and attachment, how to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships. Those three are all recordings of Live Masterclasses that I ran late last year.
0:02:54.21 → 0:03:19.88
They're about 2 hours each. And also my Higher Love course, which is a breakup course. It's six modules it's very comprehensive and equips you with everything that you need to get through a breakup and emerge stronger and more confident and more sure of yourself. So all of those are really great options. And as I said, those are the lowest prices that I've ever offered those for.
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So if you've been thinking about going deeper with my work, now is a really good time to do that. Okay, so let's dive into this question of can trust be rebuilt after an infidelity, after a betrayal, in this case, having been together for a year and finding out that your partner is still on Tinder. So I think there are a couple of threshold issues here. Obviously, the first one is not can trust be rebuilt, but do I want to rebuild trust? The reality is that, unfortunately, betrayal infidelity dishonesty and relationships is shockingly common.
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And unfortunately, it's something that many of us will have to deal with if we haven't already, through the course of our lives and relationships. I think what that means is that in reality, a lot of people do stay together and work through breaches of trust, betrayal, infidelity, and it can be done. I very much believe that it can be done, but I think we also have to be really clear about what that rebuilding process takes because it takes a lot. And in your case, you've been together for a year, and if your partner has been on Tinder that whole time that you've been together, query whether that is a breach of trust that you want to be working through. And I say that with curiosity for you and not knowing any more about the situation than what was included in the question.
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Some of the things I'd be looking for personally are what's the context for this? What's the explanation? Did you discover that by sort of seeing the app on their phone? What have you confronted him about it? And if so, what is his explanation
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Is he apologetic? Has hed any light on why he decided to do that and what that's actually led to, whether he's been meeting up with people, whether he's been sleeping with people, all of these things. I think we need to understand the gravity of the situation. I think one of the most important things to be considering when thinking about going through that repair process after infidelity is how much responsibility is this person taking? And if their response is to explain, to justify, to defend, to minimise, to downplay the severity of that, to come up with reasons why it's not that bad, that would be a red flag for me.
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That would be something that would signal to me they're not really taking this seriously. They're not going to be willing to put in the work that it's going to take to rebuild trust here. And the work that it will take will be big. The reality is that the person who has done that, who has breached trust, has to go over and above to repair. They have to own their mistake, they have to own the consequences of their poor decision and the pain that they've caused.
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So they have to be willing to maybe sacrifice some freedoms and some privacy and they have to bear the consequences of you not trusting them for a while, because that is the natural consequence of their behaviour. So if that means that you are uncomfortable with certain things, if you're suspicious, if you want lots of details and you want transparency I think that they need to be open to those conversations and they need to really realise that it's not status quo, it's not ordinary course kind of boundaries and negotiation, that they might not get as much privacy for a period of time because they've lost that right to privacy on account of their behaviour. And it's really on them to help you to be able to trust them again. I think a lot of people are hard on themselves and go, oh, I have trust issues because I was cheated on and that's a me problem. Yes and no, right?
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We can do our own work around that, but a lot of it is going to be on the other person to help you to feel safe again, to ask you, what would you need from me by way of behaviour actions? Reassurance accountability in order to know that this isn't going to happen again and that you can trust me. And that needs to be a process that's really led by them. It shouldn't be coming from you, you being the one that's leading the charge on rebuilding the trust. I think they've got to, again, take ownership and responsibility for the harm that they've caused and be the one to lead that process.
0:08:28.37 → 0:09:18.01
So I'd be looking for signs of responsibility, taking signs for acknowledgement of the gravity of what they've done and willingness to engage, to talk about it, to repair. And that takes a lot, right? That's not an easy thing to do because I'm sure that they feel most people would feel a lot of shame and guilt and we tend to shy away from things that leave us in a shame and guilt spiral. That's not nice for anyone to have to sit with and to have to look at the impact that our poor choices have had. The shame that comes with that is not comfortable and so it's going to take a level of emotional maturity on their part to be with their own guilt and shame around what they've done, rather than to shy away from it, to dismiss it, to not want to talk about it.
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Because I think for a lot of people, that's what happens, they just don't want to talk about it. They say things like, can't we just move on? Can't we just start fresh? And while we can understand why they would want that, it's really not sensitive to the other person's experience, who has been betrayed, who has had this real breach of trust and all of the pain and hurt that comes with that. So I hope that that gives you something to work with and to think about, things to look for in their response.
0:09:49.53 → 0:10:49.26
And I guess the hard truth is in the absence of those things, in the absence of this person taking responsibility and being willing to go above and beyond, to repair and to sacrifice certain things in order to support you in getting back to a place of trust and safety, then it may be that they're not really ready to be in that kind of relationship. And the hard truth is that it may happen again because if they're not really engaging with the severity and the magnitude of what they've done, and if they're not willing to face their guilt and shame, they're not willing to do the work to inquire around, why did I do that? What drove me to think that that was okay? All of these patterns, so much of the time, infidelity is driven by our own shadow and our own demons. And if someone's not willing to look inside and go, why did I do that?
0:10:49.71 → 0:11:16.82
What drove me to do that? What's going on for me that compelled me to behave in that way, then there's a good chance that it will continue to happen. Because as I said, I think so often infidelity is driven by our own woundedness. And so until they're ready to do the work there, there's a good chance that that will continue to happen. As I said at the start, I'm sending you so much love.
0:11:16.87 → 0:11:33.32
It's not a nice situation to be in. It's painful, it's hard, it's confusing. But I hope that this has given you something to sit with and some support. And I think the most important thing for you is to honour yourself here. Honour what you need.
0:11:33.37 → 0:12:25.27
And try not to agree to something less than what you truly need to rebuild trust just for the sake of holding onto the relationship because that's ultimately going to work against you in the long run, and it's going to cause you more hurt and pain in the long term. So try and stand your ground, try and honour yourself, get really clear around what you would need and then if this person is not able to meet you there, then maybe it's not a relationship worth persisting in and pursuing. I hope that this has been helpful for you. The question asker and for anyone else listening who has wondered about rebuilding trust or has faced a similar situation of infidelity, if it has been helpful, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a rating, a review. As always, it's much appreciated.
#44 5 Reasons You Might Struggle to Apologise
In this episode, we're talking all about apologies - and specifically, why they might feel so hard sometimes. Being able to apologise is so fundamental to healthy repair, but for many of us, can feel inexplicably challenging. After listening to today's episode, my hope is that you'll have greater clarity around why apologies can feel so hard, and how to address the underlying resistance so you can foster greater connection and emotional maturity in your relationships.
In this episode, we're talking all about apologies - and specifically, why they might feel so hard sometimes.
Being able to apologise is so fundamental to healthy repair, but for many of us, can feel inexplicably challenging. After listening to today's episode, my hope is that you'll have greater clarity around why apologies can feel so hard, and how to address the underlying resistance so you can foster greater connection and emotional maturity in your relationships.
WHAT WE COVER:
why apologies can feel so hard
what to do when we feel unseen and misunderstood
the difference between intent and impact
how people-pleasing & perfectionism can hold us back from taking responsibility
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:27.61 → 0:00:59.13
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be sharing with you five reasons why you might struggle apologising. I think that this is a really important conversation to have and a really important area of our relational patterns to bring more conscious awareness, too, because I know for a lot of people, myself included, that apologising can feel really hard sometimes. We can have a lot of resistance, a lot of reluctance, and it's something that's really interesting to reflect on.
0:00:59.25 → 0:01:29.07
What stories am I telling myself? What is preventing me from saying sorry, from taking responsibility, from apologising to someone who I may have heard or who may be upset with me? What's holding me back from doing that? What resistance am I experiencing and why? I think this is so important to have awareness around, because being able to safely repair after a disagreement, after conflict, is so fundamental to building healthy, secure relationships.
0:01:29.17 → 0:02:25.88
And this really applies irrespective of whether we're talking romantic relationships, friendships, colleagues, family, being able to have these conversations, these repair conversations in a mature, healthy way is really fundamental. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Some of the reasons why that might feel hard, just so we can bring a little more conscious awareness to it and go to those conversations and be in those moments with a bit more self awareness, so that we're not just acting from fear, from woundedness, from defensiveness, which I think is a big thing when it comes to apologising. Before we dive into that, couple of quick announcements. The first being that I have created a new Instagram account for the podcast specifically, so if you look up On Attachment on Instagram, you can follow along.
0:02:25.93 → 0:02:53.81
I'm going to be sharing exclusive podcast content, so clips from the show and other podcast related things. So if you love the show, that would be a really great way for you to support me and also for you to get more content from the podcast via Instagram. So if you look up On Attachment, you'll be able to find it there. The second quick announcement is just to share the review of the week. I have to say, you guys have been leaving so many beautiful reviews.
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I was really spoiled for choice when I was picking one out to read today, but today's one is finally someone that understands me. I stumbled across this podcast while searching for something else and man, did the stars align. Finally, I found someone who explains things in a way I can understand. Like, she's talking to me about me and she's half a world away. If you're looking to understand attachment.
0:03:15.92 → 0:03:32.12
This is a podcast for you. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really do appreciate it. And as I said, there are so many lovely reviews that have gone up in the past couple of weeks. I am so grateful and really very humbled to be helping so many of you with the podcast.
0:03:32.18 → 0:04:05.28
So even if I haven't read your review out, please know I have read it. I read every single one and I'm deeply appreciative. If that was your review that I just read out, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so with all of that out of the way, let's dive into five reasons why you might struggle apologising. I'm going to start with the more obvious and simple ones and then dig into some that are a little less obvious and where there's a little bit more to unpack.
0:04:05.39 → 0:04:56.79
So the first reason that you may struggle to apologise is that you feel misunderstood or like you haven't been heard. You feel like there's a deeper issue and you don't want to let go of the conversation, the opportunity to discuss what's going on. You feel like the conversation is unfinished because you haven't been heard, validated, understood. And so to apologise, to say, yes, I'm sorry, you might have some fear that that's going to herald the end of discussion and you're not ready for the discussion to end because you don't feel like you've had sufficient space and airtime to share what you're feeling and your perspective on the situation. So I think that for a lot of us, when we don't feel heard, we want to keep the conversation going.
0:04:56.83 → 0:05:27.54
And there's a broader point here. If you are someone who in conflict, tends to not want to wrap up, and this is probably more for my anxious people, a common complaint from avoided partners is, oh, you just want to keep talking and talking and talking about it. You never just let it go. And that usually signals that you do not feel like you have been understood or heard. And so you just want to keep dragging it out, or you want to keep raising new issues or reopening issues that you've already talked about.
0:05:27.67 → 0:06:06.06
You don't feel like there's a resolution. And so if you notice yourself struggling to apologise, struggling to get to the resolution and kind of wrap up the conversation that you're having, then it may be that you don't feel like you've been heard or understood. So reflect on that. And if that is the case, if you feel like you haven't been heard or understood, what would you need in order to feel heard or understood? And maybe that's saying to someone, I feel resistant to apologising or I feel reluctant to apologise because I'm not sure you're really understanding what I'm saying.
0:06:06.24 → 0:06:42.79
And asking whatever it is that you need in order to feel understood. Okay? The next reason that you might struggle with apologising is that you are focusing on intention rather than impact, meaning you're focusing on what you meant or what you intended or didn't intend, rather than the impact that your words, actions, omissions had on the other person. So I think this is a really big one and one that a lot of us, most of us are probably guilty of. It's like, no, but I didn't mean that.
0:06:42.91 → 0:07:23.45
Therefore I'm not going to apologise for it because it wasn't my intention, I didn't mean to upset you, I didn't mean to disappoint you, I didn't mean to frustrate you. Therefore, even if it had that impact, why should I have to apologise for it? Okay? And while this is very it can be really frustrating when you're in that experience and you feel like someone has taken an innocent intention and is then sending it back at you and telling you that you hurt them. Or you upset them or they're angry with you and you can kind of feel like your behaviour has been hijacked or taken out of your hands and turned into something that you never intended.
0:07:23.79 → 0:07:56.45
Healthy, mature relationships require that we can separate ourselves from that a little and be mature enough to go, wow, that wasn't my intention, but I'm really, really sorry that it had that impact. Right? Because as soon as you start arguing with them on that, you are denying what their experience was and it's very invalidating to the other person's experience when you say, I didn't mean it, therefore your experience of it or your emotional response is invalid. And I'm not going to apologise that I shouldn't have to. Okay?
0:07:56.60 → 0:08:21.25
So I think as hard as this one can be, if you can hold both, I didn't mean it. And it had that impact anyway, and I'm going to take you at your word on that and I'm going to apologise, because I obviously didn't want for it to have that impact, and I'm sorry that it did, rather than I didn't want it to have that impact. Therefore, that impact doesn't exist. And it's all in your head. Right, or I shouldn't have to apologise for it because that's a you problem.
0:08:21.42 → 0:08:48.17
I think that healthy relationships require that we care about how our behaviour impacts someone else. Even if that wasn't our intention. And frankly, especially if that wasn't our intention. Because we need to have more awareness around things that might be inadvertently causing tension or rupture in our relationship when that wasn't our intention, so that next time we can have more awareness around it and hopefully do something differently. Okay?
0:08:48.31 → 0:09:39.99
So that one is we want to validate and apologise for the impact, even if especially if that wasn't our intention. And that doesn't mean to apologise for the impact doesn't change the intention, so it doesn't mean that you are acknowledging or owning up to ill intent. Okay, the next reason that you might struggle apologising is this is one that I really used to struggle with in a previous relationship. You feel that the other person has more to apologise for, so it feels unfair for you to be the one apologising, even if the issue at hand might warrant an apology from you. You might feel that there's an overall imbalance and so there's this sentiment of you want me to apologise when you do Abcde and F things and you never apologise.
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So if you notice that kind of response coming up and as I said, I can really relate to this one. In a previous relationship, when my partner would say, raise something that he was unhappy with, that I had done, and I had such a long shopping list of things that frustrated me, angered me, unmet needs, all of those things. And so I would get really righteous and indignant when he would expect me to apologise for anything. Even if, as I said, an apology was warranted on my part, I would use that as an opportunity to come back at him with this barrage of all of the things that he did continuously that I thought were far more worthy of apology and that hadn't been adequately addressed. So that might be a factor.
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If you notice this big resistance and this kind of righteous, indignant thing of you want me to apologise, I think we need to look at that and go, okay, what's really going on here? I think in terms of what we do with that, if we've made a mistake, if we've hurt someone, if we've slipped up, then being responsible means owning that. And I think that we don't want to start point scoring and being competitive about who's more bad. When you notice yourself going to that kind of pattern in your relationship, that is the problem. The fact that you're in that mindset of competitiveness and point scoring, that's really the issue, not whatever the substantive issue is in the moment that's raised the discussion.
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So I think that you need to recognise that if that's the pattern, and find a way to talk about all of the other things that you're harbouring resentment around so that you can address the underlying issue and not get stuck in this point scoring, angry, bitter kind of energy in your relationship. Because it really just locks connection and really impede your ability to repair and move forward on anything. Okay, the next reason that you might find it hard to apologise is that you might find it hard to validate and affirm that someone could have a good reason to be upset with you. So this one, I think, is for my people, pleasers. And I think if you are someone who really notices a people pleasing streak and that you try very hard to keep everybody happy, this is probably more an anxious attachment thing.
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If you're constantly working in overdrive to keep everyone happy, to please everyone and to meet everyone else's needs, to keep everything peaceful and stable and someone's upset with you, then it can feel like this really personal failure. And so if that's where you're coming from, then it might feel safer to try and persuade them of why they're mistaken, why they're wrong, why they don't have valid reason to be upset with you, rather than owning that you were imperfect. Right. I think another way that I could frame this one is you really try to be perfect in your relationships. You rely on being perfect and you don't know how to hold the ebbs and flow of relationships.
0:13:03.55 → 0:14:01.40
So you can't actually tolerate the idea that someone could be validly upset with you and still love you. And so rather than owning that and recognising it and validating it and coming up with a solution, you become quite defensive and you go into overdrive trying to restore your image in their eyes rather than engaging with the legitimacy of their concern. The final reason that you might struggle with apologising, and this is sort of an umbrella one, is that you may just never have had safe experiences with rupture and repair. So if you grew up in a family system where there was no conflict or everything was like a cold war, nothing ever got talked about, everything was always swept under the rug. And you may have never seen apologies, you may have never given them, you may have never been on the receiving end of them, you may have never had them modelled for you.
0:14:01.53 → 0:14:50.43
On the contrary, you might have had a very high conflict environment. But then when everything was over, the dust settled and there was no actual substantive repair, it just kind of fizzled out and went back to business as usual. There's lots of different ways that this can show up, but I think for a lot of people, they haven't had positive modelling around what it means to have relational ruptures and then safely repair and come back together stronger. So I think if you have a lot of fear around conflict for that reason, then you don't really trust that that's all part of the process of healthy relationships. And so you're just in a fear state anytime you're in any sort of conflict, because you just don't trust that that can happen safely.
0:14:50.53 → 0:15:54.21
And when we're in a fear state, our ability to connect empathically and apologise is really impeded because we're automatically going to be in a threatened state and defensiveness and counterattack comes very naturally when we're in that state. So if we don't have an embodied experience of safe connection through rupture and repair, then we just might not trust in the safety of the overall experience and we might be very guarded and defensive when we're having those conversations as a result. Okay, so that was five reasons why you might struggle with Apologising in your relationships. I hope that that has given you some food for thought, given you something to reflect on, and maybe will allow you to approach Apologising and the repair conversation with a little more self awareness and emotional maturity the next time you find yourself in that situation. If you enjoyed this episode, as always, I'd be super appreciative.
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If you could leave a five star rating, leave a review. If you're on Apple podcasts or elsewhere, we are able to leave a review. It really does help so much in getting the word out and I appreciate it so much. I really do appreciate your support. Thanks so much for joining me, guys.
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I will see you again later this week.
0:16:14.47 → 0:16:36.50
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.