#72 5 Tips for Loving Someone Well

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In today's episode, I'm sharing 5 tips on how to love someone well. So often, we think we are being loving towards someone - when really, we are pursuing our own agenda of loving them with strings attached.

We love in order to get something in return, and then feel secretly resentful when things don't go our way. So instead, I'm sharing how to love someone in a way that feels pure and open-hearted.

WHAT WE’LL COVER:

• the importance of gratitude

• voicing appreciation and recognition of someone's contribution

• how to accept someone rather than control or change them

• taking responsibility for your own happiness

• staying curious about your partner's inner world

FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind

• Download the free guide: Attachment 101

• Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment

• Visit my website

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Episode Transcript

0:00:00.41 → 0:00:44.85

You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about how to love someone well, sharing five tips for you to be more loving and open hearted in your relationships.

0:00:44.90 → 0:01:49.74

And I think that this one, while primarily geared towards romantic relationships, as I reflect in this moment, as I'm saying, and I think that most of what I'm going to share could equally apply to other relationships. Really focusing on how can I love in a way that is pure and open hearted rather than think what some of us do without even realising it, is we love with conditions and strings attached. We love to try and get something in return. We love in a way that is inherently self protective or self interested, particularly if we have a lot of fear around love and relationships. And while that's not our fault, and that is why doing this work is so important, because oftentimes we don't even know that we're doing it, I think it is our responsibility, and it's certainly in our best interest and in the interests of having really beautiful, loving, healthy relationships to reflect on how we're loving people and how we could love people better.

0:01:49.87 → 0:02:18.64

So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, just a couple of quick announcements. A reminder again, I know I've mentioned it a few times recently, but I am accepting applications for Homecoming, which is my intimate six month small group mastermind programme. We meet every week on Zoom for 90 minutes and we explore everything under the sun that you could imagine. This is the most intimate way to work with me.

0:02:18.74 → 0:03:02.16

So if you've ever wondered what it would be like to work directly with me and you are on a journey of growth and transformation, and you are being called to embark upon that journey with a little more support. And community, then Homecoming is a really beautiful place for you and I would love to receive your application, which you can find via the link in the Show Notes. And all the information is on my website, which again, is linked in the Show Notes. Second quick announcement before we dive into today's conversation is just to share the featured review. This was quite a long one, so I've trimmed it down a little, but it said I was introduced to this show back at the beginning of February as a suggested interest under relationships and attachment styles.

0:03:02.22 → 0:03:23.45

I honestly wish I'd found it sooner. Her short to the point shows really helped me identify what I was doing wrong and how I can fix the problem. Just by working with my nervous system and learning how to communicate my needs and wants without the push and pull that I'm used to. I'm signing up for her Higher Love course very soon because I'm ready to make the change in love myself for my next relationship. Thank you, Steph, for changing my world.

0:03:23.57 → 0:03:58.24

Please keep it real and I'll be a listener for life. Thank you so much for that lovely review and I'm so pleased that you found some solace in the show and I hope to see you inside my Higher Love course, which, for anyone listening who doesn't know, is my breakup course. So thank you for that review. And if that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how to love someone well.

0:03:58.42 → 0:04:36.79

And as I said, I'm going to be sharing five tips for this. Okay? So the first tip is remind yourself every day what you love about them. So I think that for all of us, it's easy to become trained to spot the negatives, to always be focused on what could be improved, on what could be better, on where things are feeling a little out of sync, where we've gotten lazy, where we've gotten complacent, where our needs are not being met. Maybe focusing on the ways in which our partner annoys us.

0:04:36.94 → 0:05:17.45

I think because those things tend to stir up big emotions, things like anger and frustration and resentment and irritation. Those emotions tend to take up a lot of real estate inside us. And so it's easy to tip the scales in favour of always feeling that way or always focusing on what's wrong, what's missing, what is lacking. And against that backdrop, we can pretty easily lose sight of what we love about this person that we're in relationship with. We can see the negative side, the underbelly side of all of the traits that we initially loved about them.

0:05:17.54 → 0:06:03.87

I've spoken about this on the show before, but it's quite remarkable how quickly we are to see an aspect of our partner that we once loved and were drawn to as a negative. An example might be that you are drawn to your partner's charisma and Vivaciousness in the beginning, and then a year or two or more down the track, you find that irritating and you wish that they would sit down and be quiet. You wish that they could be more relaxed and easygoing. Or you might be really drawn to the fact that your partner is disciplined and structured, but then you might find it irritating that they're not more spontaneous or that they seem uptight. Right?

0:06:04.02 → 0:06:46.01

We take these things that we once loved and that we probably still do love, but we focus on the aspects of it that feel imperfect. So as much as it's easy to do that. And I think it's somewhat natural to spot imperfections, particularly again if we do tend more towards insecure attachment patterns at either end of the spectrum. I don't think it does very much to support the health of our relationships and it doesn't really feel good either. I think that there is so much to support the importance of gratitude and reminding ourselves daily what we are grateful for in our partner and what we love about them.

0:06:46.21 → 0:07:25.58

I think that that is a really powerful practise not only for upgrading our own energy, but certainly in loving our partner better. So remind yourself every day what you love about them and train yourself to see that rather than to see all of the things that are wrong or imperfect or need work. Okay, the next one, which is in a similar vein, is make sure that you give appreciation and admiration compliments freely. Okay? So while the first one is focused more on for your own sake, remind yourself why you love this person and why you've chosen them.

0:07:26.43 → 0:08:05.68

This next one is really make sure that you voice those things. Create a climate of gratitude and appreciation as between you. I think that sometimes when we get into a bit of a funky place in our relationship and it can either be because there's tension or it can be just a complacency thing, we get a little bit lazy about being loving actively towards our partner. But we can stop doing this, we can stop thanking them for doing things, we can stop appreciating things, we can stop expressing gratitude. And sometimes, as I said, that's an oversight and other times it's withholding.

0:08:05.82 → 0:09:10.45

Sometimes we feel like we shouldn't have to avoid appreciation for things that are everyday tasks. If your partner does some sort of active service around the house that you consider to be just a basic part of living in a household, there's that whole thing of why should I have to praise them for doing basic jobs? And I think that we've just got to really ask ourselves what we're trying to win there by holding onto that mentality, by withholding appreciation from someone and whether that's creating a climate that we really want to live in in our relationships. I think that when we notice ourselves in that place of point scoring or competitiveness, it's just not nice, it's not loving, it's not open hearted, and it's actually not going to get us what we want or need. Oftentimes in doing that, we are trying to protect ourselves and we're trying to ironically, probably get more appreciation for the things that we contribute that we don't feel seen and valued for.

0:09:10.59 → 0:09:43.25

But creating this culture of hostility or withholding in your relationship is not the way to get your own needs met in that regard. And I think that again, it goes back to what I said in the introduction. We're not giving compliments to receive compliments. We're not giving appreciation to receive appreciation. Because if we're doing that, we are manipulating as much as we might not want to see it that way, but if you are only giving to receive, then you are not truly giving from a generous and open hearted place.

0:09:43.37 → 0:10:15.53

And I think that that's an important thing to remind ourselves. It costs us nothing to be open hearted and loving and voice appreciation for someone. And it costs us a lot to do the converse, which is to cultivate a climate and culture of bitterness and resentment and point scoring in our relationship that is not fertile soil for love to grow. So reflect if you do find yourself going to that pattern of why should I have to? I don't know what that is really accomplishing for you.

0:10:15.57 → 0:10:55.93

And it's a good one to sit with and ask yourself is this how I want to be in relationship? And is this really getting me any closer to the kind of loving relationship that I so deeply desire? Okay, the next tip for loving someone well is don't make them responsible for your happiness and your fulfilment, okay? Because when you do, whether you do this consciously or not, you will end up blaming them every time you aren't happy or fulfilled, whenever you feel down or whenever you feel anxious or like all of your needs aren't being met or life isn't exactly as you thought it would be. It's easy to blame them.

0:10:55.97 → 0:11:56.38

It's easy to deflect and shirk responsibility for the way that we're showing up in our lives when we have tacitly made our partner responsible for our happiness. So it's so important in loving someone well. And I realise it might not seem like this is an act of love towards them, but one of the most loving things you can do in a relationship is to take responsibility for your own joy and fill your own cup and then enjoy the way that you're able to share in the overflow together. So when you make that your primary responsibility to create happiness and joy and pleasure and love, then you're able to invite them into that without relying on them or only experiencing happiness and fulfilment via them, which is a lot of pressure on them. And ultimately it's pressure on them to do something which they can't do because your happiness is not within their control.

0:11:56.51 → 0:12:39.42

So it's kind of an illusion that you can both get stuck in and you can end up blaming them and they can end up feeling like a failure for not doing something that they were never able to do. So I think that the more we can be self responsible insofar as our happiness is concerned and certainly not fall into these patterns of I would do X-Y-Z thing if it weren't for them stopping me. Just fact cheque that for yourself. Because that can be a really good protective story that we can tell ourselves that someone else is stopping us from living the life that we want or someone else is preventing us from having the experiences or feelings or just being the way we would like to be in the world. Okay?

0:12:39.47 → 0:13:15.51

So just cheque on those stories because they're very often untrue and they're almost always quite disempowering. So don't make them responsible for your happiness. And I should say just as a disclaimer there I'm by no means saying that you can't expect a partner to meet needs, that you can't expect a partner to contribute to your happiness. But there is a big difference between contributing to happiness and enhancing happiness and them being the sole source of happiness and that being their responsibility to make you happy. The latter is unrealistic and unhealthy.

0:13:15.67 → 0:13:41.61

The former is what we're aiming for but the former does require that you are first and foremost taking that on as your responsibility and your duty to yourself. Okay? So the next tip I want to offer you is notice where you try to control and change them even if it's so subtle. Notice where you do not accept them for who and how they are. Okay?

0:13:41.70 → 0:14:29.37

One of the most beautiful gifts, one of the most pure acts of love that you can give to someone is to accept them the way they are. Now, if you are more anxious in your attachment then you might really struggle with this because as much as you probably attach to someone very intensely and you hold on to them for dear life and it's not like you are criticising them with a view to ending the relationship and leaving them. You criticise them with a view to moulding them into some version of themselves that would make you feel more comfortable and that is not loving. Okay? It's really really self serving.

0:14:29.42 → 0:15:02.41

And I don't say that in a judgmental way because god knows I've been guilty of this. But it is something that we have to watch in ourselves, this tendency to want to change someone, to think that we know better than they do, to think that our way is superior to their way, to think that if only they change X-Y-Z thing, then our relationship would be good, and then we'd be happy together. Then we'd be fulfilled. Then we'd be satisfied again. This is a hamster wheel that's really hard to get off once we're on it.

0:15:02.53 → 0:15:43.19

So notice can I just accept my partner as they are today? And if the answer is no, you're not able to accept them. If you only love them with strings attached or with conditions or with control or you only love some hypothetical potential version of them that you've conjured up. In your mind and that you are squirrelling away at to try and mould them into, then query what it is that you're doing in relationship with them because it doesn't sound like love. So if you want to love someone well try accepting them as they are.

0:15:43.23 → 0:16:15.57

And try trusting that accepting someone as they are and loving them fully is so much more likely to inspire positive changes and shifts and transformation, but that you may need to release the grip and let go of the reins on what that looks like and how that happens. Because trying to turn someone into who we want them to be is selfish. It's not loving. That's a hard truth, but I think it's an important one to hear. And as I said, no judgement when I say that, because I have absolutely been guilty of it.

0:16:15.64 → 0:17:03.42

The last tip that I want to give you for loving someone well is remain endlessly curious about who they are today and who they are becoming. It's so easy to get complacent and to think that we know everything there is to know about our partner. But the truth is, you probably haven't even scratched the surface because we are all so brilliantly, messy and complex. There was a conversation in Homecoming, My Mastermind yesterday, which was so beautiful, and it was that one of the women had finally understood what it felt like to view her partner as a whole person, as a whole, complete person that wasn't about her. And I think that that might sound funny, but reflect on it.

0:17:03.52 → 0:17:27.96

How often do you see your partner as their own person? In the same way that you see yourself, in the same way that you know yourself to have a million different thoughts every day and fears and insecurities and dreams and hopes? Your partner has all of that too. And there's a good chance that you might know some of it, but you probably don't know all of it. So try to remain curious about them.

0:17:28.09 → 0:18:13.68

Try to remain curious in getting to know them a layer deeper, in finding things out about them, in learning from them, because they have so much to teach you that you probably haven't even scratched the surface of yet. We are all forever unfolding and growing and changing. So even if you've been together for a very long time, the person that you're in relationship with today is not the same person that you are in relationship with a year ago or five years ago or ten years ago. So can you be curious about who they are today and who they might become tomorrow or a year from now? Think that we can get a little bit cocky and think that we've read the book cover to cover, but it's good to remind ourselves that the book is still being written.

0:18:13.79 → 0:18:48.02

So it's nice to remain interested in the mystery of who our partner is, rather than assuming that there's nothing left to learn. And I think that that really does help, not only with loving someone, but with keeping that excitement in your relationship, with keeping connection and spark and aliveness. Because there is always this new growth. If we are courageous enough to look for it. Okay, so that was five tips for loving someone.

0:18:48.07 → 0:19:06.93

Well, to quickly recap, that was remind yourself every day what you love about your partner. Give your appreciation and your admiration freely. Don't point score, don't withhold. Don't play tit for tat on compliments or words of affirmation. Nothing good comes of that.

0:19:07.10 → 0:19:41.65

Don't make them responsible for your happiness and fulfilment. Make that your commitment to yourself and then enjoy the spoils of it with your partner. Notice where you try to control and change them and see if instead you could accept them fully and trust that good things will flow from that place of acceptance and remain endlessly curious about who they are today and who they are becoming. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, I'm so grateful for those of you who leave ratings and reviews. We've got almost 2005 star reviews on Spotify, which is pretty amazing.

0:19:41.85 → 0:19:58.38

You can also leave a comment on Spotify under the episode. There's a little Q and A box, so you can leave a specific episode comment if you feel called to when you're listening on Spotify. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, guys. As always, I will see you next time. Take care.

0:19:59.55 → 0:20:22.08

Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.

#71: Are They Avoidant — or Just Not That Into You?

If you've found yourself asking, "Are they avoidantly attached, or are they just not interested in me?" — you're not alone. This is one of the most common questions I hear, particularly from people with anxious attachment styles who are navigating the uncertainty of early dating.

It’s a question that speaks to a deeper need — not just to understand the other person’s behaviour, but to find some reassurance, some explanation that softens the sting of ambiguity or rejection. But part of the problem lies in the question itself. Because often, we’re trying to slot someone into a category — avoidant or disinterested — as though those are mutually exclusive or wholly explanatory.

And in doing so, we can miss the more important insight: how we feel in the dynamic, and what that might be telling us about our own relational patterns.

Avoidant Attachment ≠ Disinterest

Let’s start with a common misconception: that avoidantly attached people are inherently cold, emotionally unavailable, or indifferent. That they’re simply people who don’t want closeness, who push others away from the outset.

That’s not quite right.

Avoidant attachment doesn’t mean a person isn’t capable of connection, or that they’re emotionally stunted or devoid of interest. In fact, many people with avoidant attachment styles deeply desire connection — they just experience closeness as threatening, particularly when it begins to feel emotionally demanding or high-stakes.

In early dating, those attachment fears often aren’t activated yet. There’s little pressure, no expectation, no real emotional investment. And so, many avoidant people can actually be quite engaged in the early stages of a relationship — often even more so than anxious types, because their fear of engulfment hasn’t yet been triggered.

This means that if someone is behaving in a way that feels detached, inconsistent, or like they’re not putting in much effort right from the start — it might not be about avoidant attachment. It might just be that they’re not that into you.

What If You’re Asking the Wrong Question?

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: sometimes we turn to attachment theory not to understand someone else better, but to find a more comforting explanation for behaviour that already feels hurtful or confusing.

If someone is sending one-word replies, flaking on plans, or giving you mixed signals, it’s natural to feel thrown off — especially if you’re anxiously attached and prone to spiralling when things feel uncertain. In that state, it can be tempting to tell yourself a story like, “Maybe they’re just avoidant. Maybe they like me but they’re scared.” That feels easier to sit with than “Maybe they’re just not invested in me.”

But that story, however comforting it might seem in the short term, often leads to more pain down the line. Because instead of stepping away from something that’s already making you feel insecure, you double down. You try harder. You over-function. You hope that with enough patience, understanding, and perfectly worded texts, you’ll unlock the version of them who wants to show up for you.

And in doing so, you betray yourself — again and again.

Confusion Isn’t Chemistry

There’s something seductive about the push-pull dynamic that often arises between anxious and avoidant partners. It can feel intense, magnetic, even intoxicating at times — but it’s often not healthy intimacy. It’s a nervous system loop that keeps you caught between hope and doubt, craving connection and fearing rejection.

When someone’s behaviour is so confusing that you’re frantically Googling attachment theory to make sense of it, that’s worth paying attention to. Because clarity and consistency are not elusive qualities in a healthy relationship — they’re foundational.

If you’re already feeling this unsettled in the early stages of a connection, that’s a red flag, not a riddle to solve. And the most important question isn’t whether they’re avoidant or disinterested — it’s why you’re trying to decode confusing behaviour rather than moving away from it.

The Mirror of Self-Worth

This is where things get deeper. If you’re finding yourself in these dynamics again and again — investing your energy in people who are lukewarm, hard to read, or reluctant to meet you where you are — it’s time to pause and reflect.

What part of you believes that you have to earn love?

That your role is to prove your worth, to convince someone to choose you, rather than trusting that the right person won’t need persuasion?

This pattern isn’t just about them — it’s about you. It’s about the version of love you learned to chase. And when we start to see those patterns clearly, it becomes possible to choose something different. To no longer confuse anxiety with excitement. To no longer interpret inconsistency as a challenge. To walk away from dynamics that make us feel not enough, and instead move towards what actually supports our wellbeing and growth.

So… Does It Matter?

Whether someone is avoidant or simply disinterested might feel like the key to understanding your situation. But more often than not, the answer is secondary to how the relationship makes YOU feel.

If you feel unsure, unworthy, or perpetually on edge — if you’re left questioning your own value because of someone else’s inconsistent behaviour — then maybe that’s your answer.

Not about them, but about what you deserve.

You deserve clarity. You deserve consistency. You deserve to feel chosen without having to campaign for it.

And when you believe that, you’ll stop trying to decode behaviour that doesn’t feel good — and start trusting your own sense of what’s right.

Want to go deeper? My course Healing Anxious Attachment is designed to help you untangle these patterns and build secure, healthy relationships — starting with the one you have with yourself.

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Episode Transcript

0:00:00.41 → 0:00:43.49

You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge, and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am answering one of the most frequently asked questions that I get, which is how do I know if someone is avoidant or just not that into me?

0:00:43.66 → 0:01:19.49

So I know that a lot of you listening will relate to this question purely by virtue of how often I get asked. It really is something that I'm hearing all the time from people. How can I figure out, particularly in early dating, whether the way someone's behaving towards me, which might feel sort of unclear or ambiguous or maybe not super interested? Do I put that down to the fact that they're not interested? Or is there something more different at play here that might be their attachment patterns, their avoidant attachment style?

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How can I tell the difference and what do I do about it? So that's what I'm going to be talking through today. Before I dive into that, just want to share the featured review for today, which is this is the only podcast I wait for new episodes to be released every week. It's just that good. Even when I don't think the episode is going to be related to me, I find a new way to apply it to my life and be able to better understand the people around me.

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I recently started Stephanie's Anxious Attachment course, and it has flipped the way I experience relationships. I can't thank Stephanie enough for this magical gift of a podcast that came into my life just when I needed it. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so glad that you've been loving the podcast and healing anxious attachment. That is all very lovely feedback.

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So thank you so much for sharing. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's talk about whether they're avoidant or just not into you. This big question that I always get before I answer it, and I won't be answering it in any sort of yes or no way, obviously, but I do just want to give the caveat and emphasise that there are a million and one different answers to this question depending on context and all of those things. So please don't take what I'm going to say as being true for your situation, but rather as something to reflect upon and to apply to your situation to the extent that maybe it feels insightful.

0:02:47.74 → 0:03:19.35

But if it doesn't, then leave it. There's no need to panic and draw some sort of conclusion about someone else's behaviour based on what I'm about to share. I am just sharing observations and reflections from my experience and what I know to be true. So with all of that out of the way, with all of the disclaimers out of the way, I think that when we ask this question of is someone avoidant or just not interested in me? We are perhaps misunderstanding how avoidant attachment shows up.

0:03:19.47 → 0:04:06.64

A lot of the time, in my experience, dating avoidant people and working with avoidant people and working with many, many anxious people who date avoidant people. Fair sample size. In early dating, most avoidant people are not in their avoidant mode, meaning they haven't been triggered yet. So their strategies of withdrawing or going hot and cold, those sorts of things probably haven't been activated yet, right? That tends to come into play a little bit later when things become a bit more serious, when they start to feel pressure, when they start to feel like there's a bit more reliance on them or dependability or they're expected to do things or all of that stuff that we know can feel overwhelming for an avoidant leaning person when their freedom starts to feel like it's being impinged upon in some way.

0:04:06.67 → 0:05:07.64

But usually it's not at the very early stages of dating and I do tend to find that the people asking this question of how do I know if someone's avoidant or just not interested in me? Are usually asking that at a pretty early stage of dating, right? So I think that if you've been on one or two dates with someone, or you've just been messaging them a lot on an app and their behaviour is such that you're questioning whether they're interested in you and you're going, oh, is it just because they're avoidant because they're being really indifferent and they're not really messaging me, they're not putting in any effort, they're whatever, fill in the blanks. I think in many cases I think a lot of the time when we find ourselves asking that are they avoidant or just not interested in me?

0:05:07.74 → 0:05:28.22

At the very early stages of dating? Perhaps we're looking for an explanation that is better preferable than the thing that we're afraid to hear, which is that they just might not be interested in us. I should also say these things aren't mutually exclusive. Someone could be avoidant and not interested in you. So I think when we're trying to go, oh, is it this or this?

0:05:28.37 → 0:06:05.67

And how do I know whether it's one or the other? We have to recognise that there's a Venn diagram and there could be both, right? That's a bit of a side note. So the first kind of key piece here is that in my experience in early dating, avoidant people tend to show interest in people that they are interested in most of the time. Of course, not always exceptions, of course, but avoidant attachment doesn't usually manifest as being really coy or disinterested or indifferent towards people that you are actively pursuing and actively really interested in.

0:06:05.76 → 0:07:04.26

The avoidant stuff tends to come a little bit later when the relationship feels like it's becoming exclusive or there's other pressure or seriousness involved in a way that then activates some of those attachment fears and their accompanying strategies. The second key piece, and this is more important by a long shot, if you are asking yourself this question of are they avoidant or just not interested in me? And this is the question of does it matter and what part of you wants to go on that expedition of finding out the answer so that you can solve it right? If someone's behaviour towards you is so confusing and inconsistent and indifferent and whatever else that you are already straight out of the gate asking these questions are they even interested in me? Or is there some sort of label I can put on them that makes this behaviour make sense?

0:07:05.03 → 0:07:39.75

Does it really matter what the answer is? Do you want to persist in pursuing that connection when you're feeling like this? And to be very clear, this is not about demonising avoidant attachment and avoidantly attached people. If you're familiar with my work, you know that's not my philosophy at all, but a big part of my philosophy is taking responsibility for our part. And what I see all too often is anxious people going through a world of pain because they persist with people who the signs were there from the beginning.

0:07:39.80 → 0:08:24.92

It's not even a sign, it's just plain to see oh, I was wondering whether it was because you're avoidant or you didn't even like me and rather than just going oh well, if I'm asking that question, that's probably all I need to know. I stick around and I try and be more of this or less of that, or try different strategies and techniques and ways to get your attention and ways to make you happy and make you show up and make you interested in me. Why do we see someone's indifference towards us or inconsistency as an invitation to try harder? That's what we really need to ask ourselves because that's where the growth is. And this is particularly true for you if it's a recurring pattern, if you consistently ask yourself this question of is someone avoiding or just not interested in me?

0:08:25.02 → 0:09:18.24

Whenever we notice ourselves as the common denominator in a pattern in our relationships, that's where we have to look in the mirror and go, okay, what's going on for me here? And this is one where we have to go okay, what is it about someone else's disinterest or someone being lukewarm about me that feels like an invitation to prove myself and to try harder and to make them want me? Because that is our work, that is our worthiness stuff coming up. And if we're doing that with someone who isn't really interested then we are almost certainly just going to strive and strive and strive in the face of someone who didn't ever really care for us all that much in the first place, who was maybe kind of ambivalent towards us. And we made it our mission to change their mind, to convert them to be the one.

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And then we feel so hurt and disappointed when that doesn't come to fruition and we make it mean something about us and we fail to see how much of a role we've played in creating that situation and bringing ourselves to where we are. We throw our hands up and go, why does this happen to me? Why do I attract people like this? When really we've been a main character in that story again and again and again. Okay, so this wasn't really meant to turn into me standing on a soapbox and giving you this pep talk, but I think it's an important one because, as I said, I get this question all the time and it breaks my heart to see people who have a blind spot around their part in their pattern.

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So if you are someone who is dating and you're feeling this question of why do I always attract avoidant people, why do I always attract people who are uninterested in me or who treat me in this very lukewarm way? I think the better question is, why do I look past the behaviour itself and try and find an explanation for it so that I can then roll up my sleeves and get to work in trying to change them? Or change the way they feel about me, rather than just seeing it for what it is and directing my energy and attention elsewhere towards a person or even just myself and my life in a way that is far more fruitful and nourishing and supportive for my well being. Why do I make it my mission to change someone's mind about me? I think that's the really fertile ground for deep insight about ourselves and our patterns and whatever wounds might be driving those patterns.

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So I hope that that has been helpful. It might not be the answer that you were expecting when you started listening to this, but it might be the answer that you needed to hear if this is something that you struggle with. As always, super grateful if you could leave a rating or a review. If you're listening on Spotify, you can now leave a Q and a response at the bottom of the episode. So grateful for all of your ongoing support and I look forward to seeing you again soon.

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Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating it really does help so much. Thanks again for being here. And I hope to see you again soon.