#110 What Healthy Interdependency Looks Like & How to Cultivate It
In today's episode, we're exploring healthy interdependency. Interdependency is often cited as a key trait of secure functioning relationships, and yet many of us lack a clear picture of what healthy interdependency actually looks and feels like - especially if you have a history of insecure attachment patterns.
In today's episode, we're exploring healthy interdependency. Interdependency is often cited as a key trait of secure functioning relationships, and yet many of us lack a clear picture of what healthy interdependency actually looks and feels like - especially if you have a history of insecure attachment patterns.
We’ll cover:
The spectrum from codependency to hyper-independence
Interdependency as a healthy middle ground
How different attachment styles relate to codependency, independence and interdependence
Signs of healthy interdependency in a relationship
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
JOIN THE WAITLIST FOR MY NEW COURSE ON ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT RELATIONSHIPS
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Youtube
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about cultivating healthy interdependency in relationships, which is really one of the hallmarks of secure relating and secure attachment. So this is an area that I think doesn't come naturally for those of us with more insecure attachment patterns as their starting point. But it really is such an important thing to have as a reference point as you're doing this work, so that you can be really aware of what would a secure couple do? How would that look? And how can we bring more of that energy of balance and mutual care and respect to whatever we are grappling within our relationship? So we're going to be looking at this spectrum of relating from codependency at one end through to hyper independence at the other, and then figuring out what this healthy middle ground of interdependence looks and feels like. And then I'm going to be giving you some more specific signs or things to work towards insofar as healthy interdependency is concerned, so that you can start to take steps towards that and cultivate that in yourself and in your relationships.
[00:01:41]:
So that is what we're talking about today. Before we dive into today's conversation, a couple of quick announcements. The first one is very exciting and I almost hesitate to actually announce it because it formally locks us into following through, but I am in the process of creating a new programme for couples around anxious avoidant relationships. So my master class on how to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships is my most popular by far has been purchased and used by almost 1000 people in the last year. And I've had it in my mind for a long time to spin that out into a fully fledged course with a view to providing that for couples to work through, to cultivate more secure patterns together. And so I'm really excited to announce that we have in the pipeline a course for couples, particularly in those anxious avoidant dynamics, and that my partner Joel, who leans more avoidant, is going to be joining me in creating and presenting that for you. So that's something that I'm very, very excited to announce. It's not ready and available yet, but it will be in the not too distant future.
[00:02:51]:
And if that's something that piques your interest and you would like to put your name on a waitlist to learn more about that when the time comes, I have put the waitlist link in the show notes and you can sign up to that which will, as always, not only allow you to get first access and all of the details, but also very discounted launch pricing. So if that interests you and you want to go deeper on the art of secure relating when you're in that anxious avoidant dynamic, I would love for you to jump on the waitlist for this new course. Okay, second quick announcement is just to share the featured review which is from the first episode I listened to. It literally pointed out feelings and triggers that I felt during my past relationships that kept me from a fulfilling, healthy relationship. I always wondered what is this feeling? And now this podcast has opened my eyes and I feel like I'll be able to concentrate my healing into becoming a better version of myself. Thank you for all your work and words. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. If that was yours, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses.
[00:03:57]:
Okay, let's dive into this conversation around cultivating healthy interdependency in relationships. So, as I flagged in the introduction, there's this broad spectrum that we could look at from codependency on the one end to hyper independence on the other and we can see how anxious patterns probably veer more towards codependency or certainly can do, whereas extreme avoidance tends to be in the direction of hyper independence. And it's really important to understand that neither of these being opposite extremes of a spectrum are the healthy middle which I talk so much about and what we're all trying to cultivate on this path to more secure relationships. So codependency is not something that I'm going to go into in great depth, it really is its whole own body of work. And for those who don't really know much about the origins of that body of work, it's very much in the context of addiction and the systems around addicts. So codependency being a dynamic that's often seen in those systems whereby a partner of someone with addictions tends to over function and make themselves needed by someone in order to protect the relationship and to protect themselves. And that usually is driven by very low self worth and comes with its whole own set of dynamics that can be really challenging. And of course if that is in the context of addiction, then that is its whole own kettle of fish.
[00:05:28]:
But codependency tends to be this energy of I need you to need me in order for me to feel okay. And so I over function and overgive and overextend myself and I try and take care of all of your needs so that I become indispensable to you because I don't trust that without that you would want me and this relationship wouldn't be able to stand on its own 2ft without my over functioning. But the problem with that is that it tends to facilitate and perpetuate the other side of the coin, which is the under functioning of the other partner, the under giving. So it's sort of like excessive selflessness or self sacrifice tends to feed and reinforce selfishness or self absorption on the other side. So codependency is not a balanced dynamic and it's not something that we want to be shooting for in our relationships. And yet if you are someone with more anxious attachment patterns, you can easily veer into some of those behaviours. Again, not to conflate anxious attachment and codependency, although I think certainly people with more anxious patterns would be more prone to ending up in codependent dynamics and relationships. But we can see some of the other things I've spoken about many times on the show.
[00:06:46]:
Things like over giving, over functioning, tiptoeing around someone's sensitivities, walking on eggshells, trying to insulate someone from the consequences of their own behaviour, trying to stabilise someone's emotional state, and really working hard to do all of that are all symptoms of what we might call codependency. In essence, it's by taking care of you, I am taking care of myself, that if I can make you be stable and your needs taken care of, then that will have some trickle down effect to me and I will be safe in some way. At the other end of the spectrum is hyper independence. And this is very much the classic more dismissive, avoidant pattern of I don't need anybody and we should all be responsible for our own needs and be these very discreet units and we can be in relationship with each other, but ultimately we're not responsible for each other in any way. And so I don't need anything from you and I don't expect you to want or need anything from me. I expect you to take care of yourself in large part, okay? And so this type of person tends to be very averse to the idea of someone wanting or needing things from them, can be quite almost turned off or repulsed by the idea of someone being needy. Their threshold for what neediness entails is very low and there can be a lot of almost content or disdain for the idea of people having needs and being vulnerable in that way. So I think what a lot of anxious people do is they see someone's hyper independence and they go, wow, you have such good boundaries, or you're so secure because you are so independent.
[00:08:37]:
And that tends to be a slight misconstruction of what security means because really one of the hallmarks of secure attachment is I'm comfortable relying on others and having them rely on me. I can take care of my own needs, but I don't feel the need to do that either from a place of self protection or from martyrdom, which are kind of the two flavours you might see in anxious or avoidant people. It's this sense of I'm not grasping or clutching at someone from this survival driven place of neediness and fear, but equally I'm comfortable in the idea of leaning on people and being supported and offering my support in return. So there's this really beautiful experience of balance and trust that comes with secure attachment and interdependency. So let's go through some of the signs of healthy interdependencies and things you might look out for in your relationships. Or perhaps as I share these, you might go, oh, okay, that's where we're a little off the mark and where we need to be stepping more towards in the way that we relate to each other. So the first sign that I want to offer is both persons needs matter as much as the others, so we are committed not only do I care about my needs and advocating for my needs, but I really want your needs to be met and vice versa. We both have this same mindset of elevating both of our needs to this level of high priority, right? Because we both understand and recognise that the success of our relationship depends on both of us feeling loved, cared for, respected, admired, supported and so we are really actively nurturing and nourishing those things again and it has to go both ways.
[00:10:27]:
This is very important because as soon as we've got one person who's doing that and going, oh, I'm very invested in you getting your needs met but it doesn't come back the other way, then we're back in codependency territory, right? So it has to be I care a lot about my needs and your needs and you have to care about both of our needs as well and that's what brings us into this space of interdependency rather than being one of the other expressions of either codependency or hyper independence. So this is also a departure from what I often see, which is mostly with anxiously attached people just because that's the bulk of who I work with. But people assuming that needs and this tussle of my needs versus your needs has to be a zero sum game with a winner and a loser. And that is very much an insecure mindset and way of relating to needs. Whereas healthy interdependency is we don't have to have a winner and a loser. We don't have to sacrifice one person's well being in order for the other person's well being or needs or desires or preferences to be catered to. We're both really actively invested in finding solutions that are really good for both of us, not just we're both compromising to some watered down version of what truly works. We find something that feels good for us both rather than who gets to win.
[00:11:50]:
What about me? Why should they get their way? All of those things. If you're hearing that and going, yeah, that's my internal dialogue as it is for a lot of people with more anxious, avoided and insecure patterns, that's really what we want to shift away from, because the more we're entrenched in that oppositional mentality, of course, all of these conversations, it doesn't feel safe. It doesn't feel like we can trust, because we feel like we've got to protect our interests and fiercely advocate for our position against the position or the interests of someone else. And it's almost like a debate, right? Why I should win instead of you, why I'm right and you are wrong. Interdependency is really putting that to the side and going, okay, we might have a departure in how we view this situation or how our needs interact here what would be a really great path forward that honours both of us and really elevates both of our needs to this place of really important. We both really are invested in both of us getting our needs met and how can we be creative in finding a solution from that starting point and that intention. Okay, the next sign of healthy interdependency that I want to share is you take turns being in the support role. Okay? Picking up the slack.
[00:13:08]:
When one person is stressed, the other really rises to the occasion and supports them and tunes in and goes, oh, my partner's stress. How can I support them? And you take turns in that. I think what often happens, again in more anxious, avoidant dynamics, in more codependent patterns, if we want to use that terminology, is one person is the one who's always stressed and the other person is always in the support role. And that again leads to a very imbalanced dynamic where one person is orbiting around the other and tiptoeing around them and trying to preempt their needs and try to anticipate what might be stressing them out and how to solve it, and then they get lost in the process. Right? The internal dialogue or the internal script might be like, well, what about me? Who's going to care for me? Who's going to support me? Who's going to look out for me? And I say that having thought and felt that many times myself. So I understand this deeply, but I also recognise that we have to recalibrate that and part of it. If you're the person who tends to always be in the support role, a big part of your work is learning how to receive support because it's much more comfortable. If that's always been your role to be helping, to be supporting, to be caring, it's much more vulnerable to say, hey, I could really use some support.
[00:14:26]:
I could really use some extra care and attention because I'm stressed or my capacity is low and it would feel so nourishing to my system to just feel really held and cared for. So helping Interdependency looks like tag teaming on that, right? One person picks up the slack when the other feels a little low or a little stretched or a little underresourced. It's not about perfect equality, but an overall impression of fairness, right? We're not point scoring because we both trust in the fact that the other will have our back. And so we can really go between that in this beautifully fluid, trusting way without, again, having that oppositional mentality of, it's either me or you. Either I support you or I get supported, but not both. And really, interdependency is living in the land of both. Okay? The next sign of healthy interdependency is you play to your respective strengths and you work really well as a team. So it's in a similar vein, right? You don't have to be point scoring, you don't have to be saying, I always do that, and you always do this, and comparing and competing.
[00:15:35]:
You recognise that you each have your strong suits and you really slot into those roles in a way that allows you to function really effectively as a team and recognising those strengths and really playing into them, into your complementarity as a team and going, oh, okay, we work better when we are in this together and really feeling that. So, again, it's this idea of we don't have to go one or the other. We don't have to be keeping tally or score. We don't have to feel like we're protecting our interests or looking over our shoulder. It's like, yeah, we know how to do this dance in a way where we both feel supported and successful and like, we can really be a well oiled machine from this place and feel really held and supported. Okay. And the final sign that I wanted to share with you, and I should have said this is by no means an exhaustive list, it's just a few of the things you might want to look out for. You both really want to know if something's bothering the other person.
[00:16:41]:
Okay? So there is no conflict aversion in this space. There's no sense of, do we have to talk about it or tiptoeing around it, or oh, I don't want to upset them, or I don't want them to feel bad, so I won't raise it, or I don't want them to take it the wrong way. All of that anxiety around raising a concern. There is this sense in the relationship, this culture of we absolutely, both of us, want to know if something is bothering the other, if there's an unmet need, if there's resentment building. We are both really proactive in cleaning house, so to speak, in, can we bring these things to the surface and bring them to each other? Because we want to be I think, of the visual of there being a pane of glass between us that represents our relationship. And if there are, like smudges or little things building on that pane of glass, we want to keep it clean and clear so that the energy between us is really good and we know that we work well from that space. But when things start to build up and we just ignore them or we sweep them under the rug or we turn away, we avoid that really builds up over time. And healthy, interdependency, secure, functioning couples really are so committed to the ongoing care and maintenance of their relationship such that we turn towards those things and we call it out.
[00:18:06]:
And there's enough trust in the relationship that it's not received as an attack. It's not, oh, here we go again. We have to talk about it. It's like, oh, please point out my blind spots. Please let me know where I'm missing things, because I want us to thrive. And that requires both of us to be feeling overall a sense of fairness and love and connection and support in the relationship. Now, this isn't to say that people with secure patterns in their relationship or healthy interdependency are perfectly, 100% connected and happy with each other all of the time. Of course not.
[00:18:38]:
That is unrealistic. No one is suggesting that. But there is an overall culture and climate of trust and respect and care and commitment in the relationship that allows you to approach all of these things, whether it's conflict or discussions of needs or boundaries or concerns. Desires. Preferences with a tone of openness and a prioritisation of those things as being in the interests of both of you and the relationship and really making that your joint commitment and mission to always be pruning the garden, cleaning that pane of glass and investing in the relationship. Because you both know that you benefit from the relationship thriving. So I hope that's given you a feel for what healthy interdependency looks like and how it's different from more codependent patterns or hyper independence and how you might start to make some shifts in your relationship to step off the ledge at those two extremes and make your way towards a more healthy middle ground. So if you've enjoyed this episode, as always, I'm so grateful for those of you who leave reviews or five star ratings.
[00:19:52]:
If you're listening on Spotify, it helps so much in continuing to grow the podcast, and I'm so grateful for your ongoing support. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
#106 Retroactive Jealousy: Navigating Discomfort With Our Partner's Past
Retroactive jealousy is one that focuses on the past, fixating on other partners or stages in your partner's lives and being threatened by it. In today’s conversation, I’ll dive into how such jealousy stirs immense stress, but more importantly, we share insights into building healthier, more resilient relationships.
Retroactive jealousy is one that focuses on the past, fixating on other partners or stages in your partner's lives and being threatened by it. In today’s conversation, I’ll dive into how such jealousy stirs immense stress, but more importantly, we share insights into building healthier, more resilient relationships.
We’ll cover:
Impacting our self worth
Looking for skeletons and reasons to not trust
If you should share the jealousy with your partner
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about retroactive jealousy, which for anyone who's not familiar with the term, refers to being preoccupied with jealousy about the past and particularly in the context of a relationship about your partner's past and maybe their past relationships. So this is something that a lot of people reach out to me about and I receive a lot of questions about. It can look like a comparison with a partner's exes or just obsessive preoccupation with what came before you and I think to the point where it can feel really all-consuming and can be really feeding a lot of insecurity. In the relationship and can really impact our connection and all of the other good things that we would want to be cultivating in our relationship in the present moment.
[00:01:18]:
It really can take us out of the here and now and create so much stress in our bodies and in our relationship with our partners when we're obsessing about things that may or may not have happened in the past. So I'm going to be talking a little bit about that today, why you might experience that and some ways that you can process it and work through it. And hopefully that will give you a little bit more context. For it and allow you to feel a bit more supported and able to work through those things as and when they arise rather than just panicking or spiralling or feeding all of those obsessive thoughts in a way that ultimately doesn't get you what you're wanting. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to say that my building Trust Masterclass, which I ran recently, if you're someone who really struggles with jealousy and you want to be able to reframe the way that you relate to trust within yourself and in your relationship, that might be a good one to cheque out. If the content of today's episode resonates with you and you know that trust is an area that you could use some additional support in, then definitely cheque out the building Trust Masterclass as it's very much a deep dive on all things trust, both self trust and relational trust. Okay, so let's talk about retroactive jealousy.
[00:02:41]:
As I said in the introduction, retroactive jealousy is jealousy about things that have happened in the past. And particularly when we're talking about it in a relationship, it's usually referring to things that have happened in your partner's past. So maybe their past relationships or other chapters of their life that preceded your relationship and feeling really jealous about that. I think it's important to set the scene in this conversation and normalise that for all of us. I think we can have this irrational possessiveness to varying degrees, where we might not love the idea of our partner having been in past relationships or having had sexual partners or other experiences in their life that predated us, particularly if we're hearing about that in any detail. I think it's pretty normal to have a level of discomfort or something within you that isn't crazy about hearing about those things, doesn't love it. But I think when we're talking about retroactive jealousy in the context of this discussion, it's really more than that, right? It's not mild discomfort, it's really fixating on it, becoming quite threatened by it. So feeling like your partner's past is in some way threatening to your relationship in the present and all of the things that go along with that.
[00:03:59]:
So feeling like you need to gather all of the information and know all of the details and maybe stalk your partner's exes or compare yourself to them. Find all of this data on them so that you can assess. The level of risk, which I think is a good warning sign that there's more going on there for us when we notice those behaviours come up. I think that's where it goes from being a normal, understandable level of discomfort to okay, this is really being driven by some fear and insecurity in me. And what might that be about? Can I get a little curious? So I think there are a few different possible causes of retroactive jealousy or reasons we might feel that way or struggle with that in our relationships. I think an obvious one is unworthiness and insecurity. So I think this particularly arises where we feel very threatened by a partner's exes. And I can't tell you every single time I put up a question box on Instagram, I will get at least five questions that are about comparison with exes.
[00:05:03]:
How do I make my peace with the fact that my partner had these exes and these relationships and thinking they're prettier than me? And how do I not feel bad? How do I not compare myself? Why do I need to be convinced and reassured that my partner loves me more than they ever loved their exes? All of these kind of quite obsessive, controlling thoughts around needing to be better than or different than and being persuaded of why we are more valuable than as if we are in direct competition with the past. And I think that to try and rationalise that is not really engaging with the fact that it isn't rational, right? Of course it's not really rational. In most cases it's quite emotional. But for whatever reason, we've got this story that we are unworthy or there's something wrong with us or we don't have enough to offer as a partner. And so our partner's exes might emerge as our competition because we have evidence of the fact that our partner was attracted to them, that they might be our partner's type, so to speak, that they had a relationship. So, okay, my partner loved that person at one point. Why am I better than them? Am I better than them? And if not, how can I be better than them? How can I make them worse than me so that I feel safe and secure in my relationship? And I think that again, while we can have self compassion for our unworthiness and whatever might drive us to those sorts of thoughts and patterns, I think we really need to recognise that at the relationship that we're in, our partner is in that relationship because they want to be in that relationship with us. And so it's not really useful or relevant to be obsessing over their past relationships because it's just extraneous to what is right now in the present.
[00:06:54]:
And I think that really, as I said, what that tells us is that we have some work to do on our self worth. Because I think if you were comfortable and confident in who you are and what you have to offer, kind of your value proposition as a partner, then all of that other extraneous stuff becomes much less relevant. And you can trust in the fact that your partner loves you and is choosing you and wants to be with you because of what you bring to the table. Right? Rather than thinking that you are unworthy and feeling very threatened by things that may have happened in the past or your partner's past relationships. I think that the other thing to add there is this can be exacerbated if a partner's ex is still an active part of their life. So if they still have an ongoing relationship, maybe if they were broken up with and they didn't want the relationship to end, maybe it took them a long time to recover. I think it's understandable that you might have some fears around what if they still love them, what if they want to get back together with them? All of those things, right? Again, I think are fairly normal fears to have. But ultimately we do just want to bring ourselves back to the present and be grounding ourselves in what we can see and the evidence that we actually have, which is that our partner is choosing us and that we are in relationship with them and reminding ourselves of all that we have to offer.
[00:08:20]:
And really doing that work on building self worth as well, which I think as I said, is a big part of it. I think the other kind of expression of retroactive jealousy outside of feeling threatened by past partners or past relationships, you might feel threatened by past chapters of your partner's life. So they might not be so much romantic experiences so much as like if they had a wild time in their twenty s or they used to party really hard or go and have all of these experiences that feel threatening to you in some way. Whether it brings up fears that they used to be out of control or that maybe they struggled with certain substances or any number of other things that feel like skeletons in their closet, I think that we can feel kind of uncomfortable with that because it feels so out of our control. And I think this is probably true for what I was saying earlier around the exes as well. This retroactive jealousy is we know that jealousy is a response to feeling like there's some sort of outside threat to the relationship. And I think when something is in the past and it predates our relationship with that person, our information is always going to be imperfect. So there's a lot of uncertainty, there are a lot of unknowns and that can lead us to feel very out of control and like we don't have the situation under our control and that can feel intensely vulnerable.
[00:09:43]:
So when there are all these unknowns, these blanks, our brain will often fill them in with really catastrophic interpretations rather than just looking at the facts at hand and recognising that that's not really relevant to right here, right now. The relationship that we're in with the person as they are today, we can obsess over looking for cobwebs, looking for skeletons, looking for signs that something dangerous or bad is lurking that we're unaware of and that we're going to be caught off guard. And so I think that when we can get really hyper vigilant around someone's past, it's often that part of us that struggles to trust, that is looking for evidence that something bad's going to happen, the other shoe is going to drop. What is it that I'm missing? What are you hiding from me? All of those thoughts that are often coming from that place. And so, again, while we can see that and it's always this interplay of how much we are willing or able to trust and how trustworthy the other person has proven themselves to be, I think if it is retroactive meaning it's not based on your current experience of this person. We do have to take a level of responsibility for that possibly being our stuff more than it is theirs. Because I don't think that you can punish someone for their life before you and the fact that they had a life before you. That doesn't strike me as fair or reasonable.
[00:11:10]:
Now, I suppose that leads to the question of should you share this with your partner if you're experiencing retroactive jealousy, and I think you certainly can, you can share it. But I would say, as always, share it in full recognition of the fact that part of it is your stuff. I think that's a good rule of thumb, saying, I noticed that when I hear about your exes, it's a bit uncomfortable for me. I feel a little bit threatened or insecure. And I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong, obviously, but I notice that that gets a bit of a reaction from me, and I'm trying to work through that or something. You can share it to the extent that you want to let them in on your experience and give them a little more context for why something is hard for you, but at the same time I don't think you want to be shoving it in their face and going, tell me why I'm better than her. I've again had questions from people who've described situations to me where they frequently ask their partner for reassurance that they love them more than and differently than they love their ex and explain to me all of the reasons why you want me and not them. And I think that that kind of dynamic is not healthy and it's not fair.
[00:12:27]:
And if we're in that, we really need to own that. That is our fear that's driving the bus there and we need to really prioritise working on our self worth so that we're not so obsessed by and consumed by these imaginary threats to the relationship that aren't even present day realities. And I think that as I said, when we are in that level of just obsessive intrusive thoughts about the past, that it's probably a warning sign for something else, whether that's within the relationship or within ourselves or some combination of the two. Usually we're just in threat mode and so we're going hunting for confirmation of our fears. And so again, I think we can take those feelings of jealousy and the fears that go with them and maybe the behaviours that they're driving as feedback for what's underneath it and go okay, something needs my attention here and how can I offer myself something, some work, a conversation, some self compassion? But how can I use this as feedback for what's going on for me and actually tend to the underlying fear or wound rather than just obsessing over these surface level things and feeding that loop and keeping myself really stuck in an insecure place that's ultimately harming me and my relationships. So I hope that that has been a helpful, albeit brief introduction to this topic of retroactive jealousy. And I do want to say, as I said at the start, if it's something that you experience or have experienced, it is pretty common. But obviously, and I've said this before on the topic of jealousy more broadly, jealousy is a very fundamental human emotion.
[00:14:16]:
It's part of the human experience. But obviously it can be taken to extremes and some of us can experience jealousy to degrees that really do get in the way of our relationships and just consume so much of our mental and emotional energy to the point where we feel really just totally exceeded our capacity. And so I think that if this specific flavour of jealousy is one that you struggle with. You don't need to shame yourself for it, but it is something that you might want to pay attention to and get really curious about and ask the question, what is this really about for me? Where are all of these perceived threats coming from? And what would I need to feel or think or believe in order to not feel so threatened by the past? What am I making my partner's past mean about them or about me or about the relationship that is feeling so threatening and causing me to think and act in this way? So getting a bit curious and doing the work around that, because I think that you'll be much better for it if you can reach a place of relative peace with the past, rather than feeling like you need to control it or eliminate any risks to do with your partner's history. So I do hope this has been helpful. As always, very grateful if you can leave a review or a rating. It does help me so much in continuing to get the word out about the podcast, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:15:46]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deep on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.