#163: How to Address a Partner’s Excessive Phone Usage
In this episode, we dive into the growing issue of phone usage and its impact on relationship satisfaction, especially when one partner feels neglected, ignored and frustrated by the other's screen time.
In this episode, we dive into the growing issue of phone usage and its impact on relationship satisfaction, especially when one partner feels neglected, ignored and frustrated by the other's screen time.
We explore why constant phone use can feel so personal, discuss strategies for approaching the topic constructively, and offer practical ways to set digital boundaries together. If you’re struggling with a partner’s phone habits, this episode will give you tools to foster more connection and understanding.
Addressing a Partner’s Excessive Phone Usage: Practical Tips for Healthier Relationships
In today’s digital age, phones have become an integral part of our lives. They keep us connected, organised, and entertained. However, their pervasive presence can also impact our relationships, often in ways we might not immediately realise. Understanding and addressing excessive phone usage within relationships is crucial for maintaining intimacy and connection.
Recognising the Impact of Phone Usage on Relationships
Phones have radically transformed how we communicate and spend our time, affecting our sense of presence and connection with our partners. It’s not uncommon to feel ignored or undervalued when a partner seems tethered to their device. Many individuals report feeling neglected, rejected, or even angry when their significant other is constantly on their phone. These feelings are significant, as they often touch on deeper attachment wounds, making it essential to address the issue thoughtfully.
For many, the primary concern isn’t just the amount of time spent on phones but also when and where that time is spent. This situational component can exacerbate feelings of disconnection, especially during moments that could otherwise be opportunities for meaningful interaction.
Cultivating Self-Awareness and Addressing Hypocrisy
Before addressing a partner’s phone usage, it’s vital to reflect on one’s own habits. Many people are quick to criticise their partner while justifying their own phone usage as necessary or less intrusive. This tendency, known as the fundamental attribution error, can create a double standard. By acknowledging that everyone, to some extent, struggles with phone dependency, it becomes easier to approach the conversation with compassion and understanding.
Self-awareness allows for a more balanced discussion, reducing the likelihood of defensiveness and facilitating a more constructive dialogue. It’s essential to remember that changing phone habits is challenging due to the addictive design of these devices. Therefore, approaching the conversation with a mindset of mutual improvement rather than blame can be more effective.
Starting the Conversation
When discussing phone usage with a partner, it’s important to frame the issue in terms of collective well-being. Instead of singling out one person’s behaviour, recognise that both parties can benefit from reduced screen time. Here are some tips to initiate this conversation:
Express Feelings, Not Accusations: Share how their phone usage affects you emotionally without making it a personal attack. For example, say, “I feel hurt and disconnected when we’re both on our phones during dinner,” rather than, “You’re always on your phone.”
Propose Joint Solutions: Suggest that you both work on reducing phone usage together. This can create a sense of teamwork and shared goals. For instance, discuss setting specific times or spaces where phones are off-limits.
Establishing Boundaries and Rituals
Creating clear, mutually agreed-upon boundaries can help mitigate the negative impacts of phone usage. Here are some practical boundaries to consider:
No Phones at Mealtimes: Meal times are perfect opportunities for connection and conversation. Making this time phone-free ensures that both partners are present and engaged.
Phone-Free Mornings and Evenings: Starting and ending the day without screens can significantly enhance connection. Consider setting a rule where the first and last 30 minutes of the day are phone-free, prioritising connection and relaxation.
Designated “Phone Breaks”: Rather than mindless scrolling throughout the day, agree on specific times where phone use is allowed and others when it's restricted. This can help build healthier habits and reduce unnecessary screen time.
Handling Resistance and Slip-Ups
Remember, changing phone habits is a gradual process. It’s common to encounter resistance or slip-ups, and how these moments are handled is crucial. Approach any breaches of agreed-upon rules with understanding rather than frustration. A gentle reminder or a shared laugh about the difficulty of breaking old habits can go a long way. The key is maintaining a supportive and patient attitude.
Leveraging Technology to Help
Interestingly, technology itself can offer solutions to its overuse. Various apps and built-in phone features can help monitor and limit screen time. Utilising these tools can provide tangible boundaries and remind both partners to stay committed to their goals. Setting up app usage limits or scheduled downtime where the phone locks certain apps can be effective strategies.
The Bigger Picture: Enhancing Relationship Quality
Addressing excessive phone usage isn’t just about reducing screen time; it’s about enhancing the overall quality of the relationship. By being more present and engaged, partners can foster deeper intimacy and connection. This conscious effort to prioritise each other over devices can lead to more meaningful interactions and a stronger bond.
It’s worth noting that while phone usage can be a significant issue, it often signifies larger underlying attachment needs and insecurities. Approaching the conversation with empathy and understanding can help address these deeper layers, leading to a more profound and lasting resolution.
Final Thoughts
In a world dominated by digital devices, it’s easy to let screens come between us and our loved ones. However, by recognising the impact of excessive phone usage and taking intentional steps to address it, couples can reclaim their time and connection. Establishing healthy boundaries, communicating openly, and supporting each other through the process can lead to a more fulfilling and connected relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself feeling neglected or unimportant when your partner uses their phone excessively? Reflect on past moments when this has happened and explore the emotions it brought up within you.
How often do you use your phone around your partner? Do you believe your usage differs significantly from theirs? How does this compare to your judgement of their usage?
Have you ever brought up the topic of phone usage with your partner? If so, how was the conversation received? If not, what holds you back from discussing it?
In what ways does excessive phone usage impact the quality of your presence and connection with your partner? Provide specific examples.
Reflect on your screen time and phone habits. Are there certain times of the day or activities that you believe should be more phone-free? How can you implement these changes?
In what scenarios do you feel it is most important to have undivided attention with your partner? How can you respectfully communicate this need to them?
How do your attachment patterns (anxious, avoidant, secure) influence your perception of your partner’s phone use? Do you interpret their behaviour through a lens of rejection or control?
Describe an ideal evening without phone interruptions. What activities or conversations would you like to share with your partner to enhance your intimacy and connection?
How can you and your partner work together to create mutually agreed-upon boundaries around phone usage? What steps can you take to ensure these boundaries are upheld with understanding and empathy?
What are some positive changes you’ve noticed when you or your partner have intentionally reduced phone usage? Reflect on these moments and consider how they can motivate ongoing efforts to be more present in your relationship.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about phones. And the role that phones play in our relationships, in shaping our experience of being in relationship, our relationship satisfaction, our sense of intimacy and connection with our partners. Now obviously, this is a really big topic, and it's one that probably doesn't get spoken about enough, given the absolute centrality of phones to our modern lives. As I was preparing for this episode and reflecting that probably even 10 years ago, it wasn't anywhere near what it is now in terms of the level of dependence that we all experience on our phones, on our devices, how ubiquitous these things are that we are absolutely tethered to. It's rare that your phone is more than a meter or 2 away, and if you've ever done the scary but illuminating thing of looking in your screen time data at the number of times you pick up your phone in an hour or in a day. I mean, it's pretty scary stuff.
[00:01:30]:
And I think that given phones are you know, they've not only changed the way that we communicate, and therefore have an impact on our relationships because obviously communication is a big part of that, But I actually think because they've changed so much, just the way that we spend our time on a moment to moment basis in intimate relationship, because so much of that time is together and, you know, that's how we connect with our partner, It's really detracted, I think, from the quality of our presence and connection in many cases. And so it's had really far reaching impacts on all of those things to do with how we experience our relationships and our level of satisfaction there. So there's a lot to unpack in today's episode. I asked my Instagram audience a bunch of questions and did a few polls in anticipation of this episode, and so I'm going to be sharing the results of some of those. And I'm also going to be, you know, offering some thoughts on ways that you might broach this conversation with a partner if you've maybe not had success in doing that, or you haven't quite mustered up the courage to bring this up, but it's something that's been really bothering you. Some ways that you might be able to tackle this issue of phones and over usage, compulsive use, unintentional usage in your relationships if you feel like it is having a negative impact, and your heart brings some, you know, negative feelings around it, which as we'll come to. Surveying my audience, there are a lot of people who are feeling really, you know, hurt, rejected, angry, alone, discarded, ignored. Those are some of the words that came up a lot, and obviously, that is not what we want to be feeling in our relationship.
[00:03:07]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, I am so excited to share a really big announcement. You might have heard me share over the past couple of weeks that something exciting was coming, and today is the day. I'm really, really delighted to share that I am launching a brand new membership community called On Attachment Insiders. So if you are a podcast listener and you love tuning in every week or every so often, on Attachment Insiders is a members only community where you can get more of what you get here alongside community connection, live q and a calls with me, an extensive resource library of all sorts of things ranging from video lessons to scripts to q and a. There's so much there already, and doors have only just opened in the last 24 hours. So it's going to be a growing library of resources, and as I said, a growing community of like minded people who are walking the same path as you, have the same interests as you, who absolutely know what your experience is like, and can empathize and offer solidarity and advice. And of course, I will be in there as well to share thoughts, wisdom, feedback as needed.
[00:04:22]:
And perhaps the best part is that it is super affordable. It starts from just 10 US dollars a month, so by far and away my most affordable offering, and so it's really exceptional value. There are 2 membership tiers, a starter tier and a premium tier. The premium tier is 25 US dollars a month. So depending on, you know, what type of experience you're looking for, how much live interaction you're looking for, or perhaps you're more looking to do self study stuff and going through resources in your own time, only 50 spots will be offered at that founder's rate, after which the prices will be increasing slightly. So if you're interested in joining the On Attachment Insiders membership, which has launched today, head to onattachment.com/insiders. All of that is linked in the show notes.
[00:05:10]:
I'm really, really excited and look forward to seeing as many of you as possible there. I think it's going to be a really, really beautiful space and I'm so, so excited. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around phone usage in relationships. So I think it's really important to state the obvious at the outset, which is that we are all a little bit addicted to our phones. I think it's really easy to notice our partner's phone usage and fixate on our partner's phone usage, obviously, because it can bring up these feelings of feeling deprioritized or rejected or, you know, ignored. But because we aren't feeling those things when we're on our phone, we are maybe blind to the extent to which we are guilty of the very same thing that we are criticizing our partner for or or resenting our partner for. So I think let's get that out in the open.
[00:05:59]:
Our phone usage, you know, as a society, as a world, is pretty bad. We all use our phones too much, and that is because that's what they're designed to do. Right? The phones themselves, the devices themselves, and all of the apps within them, social media, everything about it is designed to be addictive, and it's highly effective at creating that dependency. It really hijacks our dopamine circuits and keeps us tethered to these devices so much more than we realize. And I think it is compulsive. It's unconscious so much of the time. And so I think that recognizing that at the outset and going, okay. Yes.
[00:06:38]:
We're all guilty of this, can take a little bit of the heat out of the conversation. And as we'll come to, I think that's a very good thing to lead with in having any sort of conversation with your partner about this rather than making it a this is something that you do problem. Because I think unless you are the very, very rare person who isn't dependent on their phone, who really doesn't have an issue with this, it's likely that you're guilty of it too. So with that being said, I wanted to turn to these survey responses. Picking up my phone now, ironically enough. Turn to these survey responses that I put out on Instagram. So I asked people, do you feel that your partner is on your phone too much? And 79% of people said yes, and 21% of people said no. The next question that I asked people was how often do you argue about or feel bothered by phone usage in your relationship? And that was 76% of people said either all the time or sometimes.
[00:07:33]:
And then 24% of people said hardly ever. So 76% of people are saying that either all the time or sometimes, they are feeling bothered by or arguing about phone usage in their relationships. That's pretty significant when you think about it. So I then asked people to finish this sentence for me. I said, when my partner is on their phone around me, I feel And the answers that I got, I'm gonna start reading some of these for you. There are a lot of them, and they're mostly in the same vein. So we had unimportant, neglected, less important, neglected. Those are all different ones.
[00:08:07]:
You can see there's a lot of overlap. Ignored, disrespected, angry, annoyed, unimportant, lonely, frustrated, unimportant, lonely, rejected, worried about who they're talking to, ignored, unimportant, like they're not listening to me, distracted, ignored, ignored, undervalued, not important, disrespected, not listened to, like I'm not a priority, Devalued, unheard, ignored, neglected, deprioritised, invisible, dismissed, like shit. Ignored, angry, invisible, suspicious, undervalued, annoyed, alone, not as important. Unimportant, annoyed, neglected, unseen, anxious, less worthy, unvalued, unheard, second best. You get the point. Right? I can keep going, but there's a lot of answers in the same vein here. So that is a big problem. Let's just be very clear.
[00:08:59]:
For 76% of people to be feeling like that a lot of the time, that is a really big problem because all of that, all of those wounds that are coming up, all of those perceptions are arising from something that's very real. And if we don't have the tools to deal with that in a way that we can be constructive and actually have a conversation about it and bring some more intentionality to it, there's going to be a problem. A lot of these issues in our relationships are either going to turn into some sort of festering resentment, bickering, low grade conflict, or something much bigger. One of the responses that I didn't read out was someone saying, I am literally planning to end my relationship over this. So this is big stuff, and it makes sense because when we hear all of those things, those are, much of the time, they're attachment wounds. It's saying, you know, I don't feel seen. I don't feel cared for. I don't feel prioritised.
[00:09:53]:
I don't feel valued. I feel ignored. I feel dismissed. So even though on the surface it feels trivial, your partner sitting on the couch next to you scrolling their phone, not a huge deal. That's not like, wow, how could they do that? When it compounds over time and creates this overall relational environment and culture of you're not present with me, I don't feel valued, I don't feel like I'm important to you, that's a problem. Okay? Because that is touching something within you that is much deeper than phone usage, and so it's going to snowball into something much bigger than phone usage. Now, something that I did want to touch on in this conversation, I think it would be remiss of me not to, is the attachment dynamics here. Phone usage in relationship is not by no means something that is exclusive to anxious avoidant kind of dynamics.
[00:10:42]:
But as with many things, I think we could say it's probably exacerbated by it. And that relates to what I was just saying around those kind of wounds that are brought up when our partner is there and is maybe ignoring us, not paying attention to us on their phone. For someone with more anxious attachment patterns who is sensitive to any sort of perceived rejection, any sort of distance, feeling deprioritized, feeling unimportant, feeling like they're not valuable to their partner, feeling like they're generally not enough, it's likely that your partner is showing signs of disinterest in the form of scrolling their phone I say disinterest because that's how you're likely to perceive it that is really going to be received through the lens of your anxious attachment. Now I want to be very clear. I'm not suggesting that it is because of your anxious attachment that you have a problem with that behavior. As I said, this is not an attachment specific kind of dynamic or problem that we're facing with phone usage. I think it is absolutely ubiquitous, and I think people with more anxious attachment patterns are going to see it through that lens of rejection more often than not. I think someone with more avoidant patterns, on the other hand, who might be on the receiving end of the criticism around the phone usage, who likely has sensitivities around feeling controlled, monitored, like their partner always wants their full attention and they never get a break, they just want time to themselves, they just want to decompress, all of that kind of thing, an avoidant partner is probably more likely to use their phone to escape, to numb out, to try and maybe blow off some steam, so to speak.
[00:12:23]:
At the end of the day, they might just wanna sit on the couch and zone out for half an hour while scrolling on their phones. And to be told that they can't do that or they shouldn't be doing that or that that's selfish or rejecting or dismissive of them to be doing that, that might make them more defensive of the behavior and, you know, they're right and entitlement to engage in that behavior. So they might say invalidating things like, Oh, just give me a break. Like, Can you just leave me alone? I just walked in the door, and I just want to chill out for half an hour. And so if you're the partner who's feeling really hurt and dismissed by that behavior, and then you're met with a response that really minimizes the significance of it, and is sort of saying, this isn't a big deal. Get over it. I think that would be a very common inroad to anxious avoidant type conflict cycles that could really very quickly escalate from there. This sense of, you're not paying attention to me, and the response being, stop trying to control me, give me a break, and then so on and so forth from there.
[00:13:26]:
So I think that that is very much within the realms of possibility that you might wind up in that kind of thing if you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic. And the reason I say that is just to be mindful of the different angles from which you're approaching the issue, where you're coming from, and reminding yourself that if you are more anxious, that you do have those wounds. And again, that doesn't mean that you need to drop the issue and solve this problem by yourself or just suck it up. Absolutely not what I'm saying. More just to pause and tune in and go, okay, what am I experiencing? What am I telling myself? When have I felt this before? When else in my life have I felt unimportant or deprioritized or rejected or dismissed? And what is this bringing up for me? So that you are going into any conversation that you have around this with full awareness of what the significance is for you and why it stings in the way that it does. So another thing that I wanted to bring into the conversation here is what's called the fundamental attribution error. You might have heard of this term. It's basically this tendency that we all have, which is to if we make a mistake or we do something, we tend to attribute that to situational or contextual factors.
[00:14:40]:
Basically, we come up with an excuse as to why the thing that we did is actually fine, but if our partner did the exact same thing, we say that it's a function of their character. So let's take this out of the abstract and give an example. Something might be, you know, I left my towel on the floor, but the reason I did that is because I was carrying the baby to the other room, and I was in a hurry, and I was gonna come back and get it. And it's not because I'm lazy or thoughtless or inconsiderate. It's because there was some explanation for it. Whereas if my partner leaves a towel on the floor, it's because he's lazy and thoughtless and inconsiderate. Right? Another example might be if you're running late, it's because the traffic was really bad and all of these things outside of your control happened. It's not because you're unreliable, but if your friend is running late, then you're very quick to assume that they've done something because it is just who they are and they are flaky and, you know, unreliable, all of those things.
[00:15:33]:
So this tendency to find really valid reasoning, excuses, justifications for the things that we do, but not what someone else does. And I have to admit that I'm so guilty of this when it comes to phone usage. I notice myself saying it both in my head and out loud all the time. If I check my phone, it's because I'm just checking an email, or I've got to respond to a text, or I'm checking my DMs on Instagram because that's work related. So I'm totally fine on phone usage. But if Joel's scrolling his phone, that's just mindless scrolling, and he's being really unconscious about it. And I'm very quick to judge that and differentiate it from the thing that I'm doing, which I consider to have some sort of valid intention behind it. Right? So I think it's very important in terms of cultivating self awareness and being honest about our own phone usage, that we're not engaging in too much of this fundamental attribution error, that we're not coming up with all manner of justifications for our own compulsive or unhealthy phone usage while being very judgmental and critical of someone else's.
[00:16:38]:
I think another really common example of this, which, you know, I, again, am guilty of all the time, is if we're both, say, sitting in bed or sitting on the couch on our phones, and then I put my phone down because I finished whatever I was doing, and Joel continues to be on his phone, and I notice within myself, even after 30 seconds, that this tension rises, and it's this sense of, like, put your phone away. Like, I'm just sitting here, even though, like, 30 seconds before I was doing the exact same thing. It's just I spontaneously decided to put my phone away, and then I'm getting frustrated with him for not immediately doing the same thing. So I think there is some hypocrisy. There is some stuff that we can take ownership of there. And again, the reason that I suggest doing that is the same with, like, kind of being mindful of the anxious avoidant dynamicsit's not so that we then drop the issue altogether. It's so that we can take some of the steam out of the issue, so that we can take some of the personalization out of the issue. Because if we are going into any sort of conversation about something like this with the story of, this is a you problem and not a me problem, or you always do this, or you don't care.
[00:17:43]:
I've asked you so many times, and you're not doing it. We've had conversations about this, and you're not following through. I think the more that we can own, like, we've all got really bad habits around this, and the more we can be aware of our own and really clean up our side of the street, or at least take ownership of our side of the street, we're probably less likely to be high and mighty in judging our partner and attacking them for it, which is likely to lead to a more constructive conversation, and one that's likely to be more solution oriented. With that being said, let's talk about some of the things that you might want to consider in terms of shifting the balance around phone usage in your relationship. So I think that some things that you might want to implement as hard and fast rules or boundaries and again, the way that I would encourage you to go about this is not like, hey, you need to stop doing this because I don't like it. I think it needs to be a, hey, I've noticed that we have been on our phones a lot, and I really hate how that feels, or I feel like we're not actually spending much quality time together, even though we're spending a lot of time together, maybe by quantity. We're in each other's presence, but we're not actually there. We're not actually engaging with each other.
[00:18:53]:
It feels really mindless and disconnected, and that feels crappy to me. Would you be open to and then you lead in with whatever you're proposing. And I think having some level of genuine open mindedness and flexibility around what that looks like is a good idea. So some things that you might want to implement. I think having no phones at mealtimes is a no brainer. We definitely don't have phones at mealtimes in our relationship. I mean, very rarely, we might have a phone on the table and and one of us might pick it up to look something up, but it's definitely not a scrolling situation. I think in the same way that eating at a table is much better than eating at a couch, watching something, phones away, and really being conscious and mindful of spending that time to connect with each other, I think is a really really good idea and feels like an easy one to give, because I don't really know of any valid reason why you need to just be scrolling at dinner time or any other meal time that you're sharing together.
[00:19:51]:
I think preserving that ritual is a really important one. Some other ones you might want to consider is having some parameters around evenings or first thing in the morning. I know that we all, again, I won't lie, I definitely pick up my phone first thing in the morning. So whether it's having some sort of thing in your relationship where you wake up and say hi to each other and have a hug and a kiss or something before you turn to your phone so that you're not just lying in a dark room, staring at a screen in front of your face before you even connected with your partner, having something like that might be a good idea. Likewise, having some phone free time before you go to sleep, not only is that much better for your sleep quality, but probably really good for your relationship as well. So considering some things like that, and I think that the clearer you can get in those boundaries that you draw and that you agree on, the easier it is. I think if you just sort of shoot for something vague, let's try and be on our phones list, that's never gonna work because you're gonna have different ideas of what that looks like. There's no containment to that.
[00:20:51]:
There's no real framework or structure, and so it's going to be a slippery slope. And I think on that point, be somewhat generous as you approach behaviour change around this, recognizing that we are more or less addicted to these devices. So again, I I got a few responses from people saying we've talked about it and they're still doing it. It's so deeply ingrained within us. It is so automatic. The number of times we pick up our phone and check open an app, and then check another app, bounce between email and Instagram and whatever other apps you use to just check. It's like muscle memory. It's an extension of us.
[00:21:30]:
And because it is not conscious, most of the time when we're doing that, I'm sure if you checked your screen time stats and it said you've picked your phone up 85 times today, I'm sure you don't remember picking your phone up 85 times, but you have. Right? And so being generous that if your partner doesn't have 100% adherence from the moment you agree on something, probably don't take that personally. Don't take that to mean they're not serious about this. They don't care about what I've shared. They don't care about what I'm saying. Again, I think we need to depersonalize this as much as possible while still advocating for what is important to us in order to feel, you know, more connected in our relationships. So there was one other piece from my Instagram polls that I put out that I wanted to share, and this kind of relates to how to talk about it and maybe what to do by way of a solution. The question that I asked was, for those who are bothered by their partner's phone use, is it how much time they spend when they choose to be on their phone, or the things that they look at or consume? And 40% of people said when they choose to be on their phone.
[00:22:36]:
So that was the highest number by quite a margin. So it was like the timing of when your partner is choosing to be on their phone that seemed to bother most people. 2nd after that, at 24% was the amount of time they spend on their phone. 15% said what they look at or consume, and then a further 21% said all of it. So there are 21% of people who are bothered by all of those things, but 40% of people were most bothered by when their partner was choosing to be on their phone. So clearly, there is some situational component to this. I actually think that that is helpful because in framing the discussion, you don't have to say, I need you to not be on your phone at all, or I need you to stop using Instagram or whatever. It it just allows you to set up the boundaries of when.
[00:23:21]:
Right? That there are good times and there are not so good times for it. And are you open to being a bit more intentional about it? Again, I think that that it's actually if you can approach the conversation in a constructive, non blaming way, you'll probably get good reception from your partner because they think that if most people are being honest, most of us want to use our phones less. Most of us want to be more intentional about our device usage. Right? I don't think if you said to someone, your screen time's 3 hours and 50 minutes a day. Do you think that's a good use of your time? Not many people are gonna say, Yeah. I'm really happy with spending hours and hours a day scrolling on Instagram with absolutely nothing to show for it. Right? I think we can all recognize that that is a colossal waste of time and energy that's probably making us more depressed and anxious and disconnected and whatever else. Right? No one's really standing up in defense of that being a great use of time.
[00:24:12]:
And so I think that if we can join in solidarity with our partners around recognizing that and going, Yeah, I don't want that either. I don't want it for me, and I don't want it for you. I don't want it for us. Let's keep each other accountable. What do you think would be achievable as a starting shift? And open up the conversation that way. Let's put in these parameters. Let's not do phones at mealtimes. Let's not do phones after 8 pm.
[00:24:36]:
Whatever makes sense in the context of you and your life and your relationship, but try and approach that as a joint endeavor rather than something where you're getting them in trouble for something that they are doing wrong. Something that, you know, is their problem that they need to solve so that they can make you happy, because that is going to bring up a lot of defensiveness and all of those other dynamics around control and anxiety and stuff that we don't really need to touch into, because I don't think it needs to be an issue about that. I really do think it's bigger and broader and more universal than that, frankly. So I'm gonna leave it there. I feel like there might have to be a follow-up episode to this. I realize I haven't really gone into this whole other aspect of the phone issue in relationships, which is more around the content and social media usage and other things that partners are not comfortable with, not in terms of the fact that your partner's using their phone, but maybe what they're looking at, boundaries around social media usage, the types of accounts they follow. I know that there's lots of stuff there to explore and discuss, and I don't think that we've got time or space for it in today's episode, but it may need to be a follow-up because I get bucket loads of questions from people about navigating that, navigating their discomfort with their partner's online behavior. And so I think there's definitely stuff to look at there, and I I will make a note to do another episode on that, and and do let me know if that's something that you'd be interested in.
[00:26:08]:
But otherwise, I hope that today has been helpful in both normalizing this issue of phones in relationships by letting you know that you're far from alone in feeling if you feel any of those things that I read out earlier, that you're far from alone in feeling them, that this is so ubiquitous. It is so, so common. And I as hard as it is because I do think the odds are stacked against us in terms of these devices being designed to produce these very behaviors, this compulsive usage that we all are guilty of. I think with a bit of intentionality and accountability, you can really, you know, bring some boundaries into your relationship that don't have to feel not overbearing or strict, or like one of you is enforcing it against the other. I think you can really band together and overhaul your device usage for the greater good of your relationship and and do that together. So I hope that this has given you something to think about and maybe some tips on how to approach that. And another reminder that if you're interested, please think about joining on Attachment Insiders. As I said, it's super affordable for the first 50 members, so if you wanna snag one of those founding member spots, definitely do so.
[00:27:20]:
I'm really looking forward to seeing as many of you in there as possible, where we can have all sorts of conversations around stuff like this and so much more. I'm really looking forward to it. So thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:27:36]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment theory, relationship satisfaction, intimacy and connection, phone usage in relationships, communication impact, device dependence, unconscious phone use, attachment wounds, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, relationship boundaries, quality time, conflict resolution, partner dynamics, screen time, phone addiction, situational awareness, relationship issues, intimacy improvement, setting boundaries, attachment wounds, communication strategies, relationship habits, social media influence, emotional connection, phone-free time, intentionality, relationship enhancement, conflict escalation, partner criticism
#159 5 Signs You're Ready For a Relationship
How do you know if you're ready for a relationship? Perhaps you've asked yourself this question — and in today's episode, that's what we're exploring. While I don't believe we ever reach some objective place of being "healed enough" to enter a relationship, I do believe there are certain indicators we can look out for — signs that we're in a strong place mentally and emotionally, which will set us up for the best possible chance at finding and building a healthy partnership.
How do you know if you're ready for a relationship? Perhaps you've asked yourself this question — and in today's episode, that's what we're exploring. While I don't believe we ever reach some objective place of being "healed enough" to enter a relationship, I do believe there are certain indicators we can look out for — signs that we're in a strong place mentally and emotionally, which will set us up for the best possible chance at finding and building a healthy partnership.
Five Signs You're Ready for a New Relationship
Embarking on a new romantic journey can be both exciting and daunting, especially after a period of healing and self-reflection post-breakup. How do you truly know when you're ready to step back into the dating world? While there's no magic formula or universal timeline to indicate readiness, there are some signs that can suggest you're prepared for a new relationship. Here are five key indicators to gauge if you're in a good place to start a new chapter romantically.
1. You're No Longer Obsessing About Your Ex
One of the clearest signs that you might be ready for a new relationship is that thoughts of your ex no longer consume you. If you can think about your past relationship without an overwhelming surge of emotions like anger, sadness, or regret, it shows you've processed much of your emotional baggage. This process varies for everyone; for some, it might take months, while others may need years. The key is reaching a point where your ex no longer holds significant emotional power over you. It's about finding a neutral ground where memories of your past relationship don't trigger intense emotional turmoil.
2. You've Learned the Lessons of Your Previous Relationship
Every relationship, regardless of its outcome, offers valuable lessons. Understanding what went wrong in your past relationship, and recognising your role in it, is crucial for growth. This involves dedicating time to introspection and perhaps even therapy or courses designed to aid in personal reflection. Asking yourself questions like, "What can I learn from this breakup?" and "How did my actions contribute to the relationship's ending?" helps in gaining clarity and ensuring you don't repeat the same patterns. Being clear about what didn't work before paves the way for healthier dynamics in future relationships.
3. You Know What You're Looking For
It's vital to have a clear understanding of your values, non-negotiables, and deal-breakers before diving back into the dating pool. Often, people with anxious attachment styles tend to seek connection indiscriminately, prioritising the need for companionship over finding a truly compatible partner. Knowing what you want – and, just as importantly, what you don't want – in a partner provides a strong foundation. This clarity ensures that you don't settle or make compromises that will lead to dissatisfaction down the line. It empowers you to make intentional choices and aligns your dating efforts with a purpose, avoiding the pitfalls of settling for anyone who shows interest.
4. You Feel Comfortable Being Alone
While it's natural to prefer being in a relationship, approaching dating from a place of loneliness can lead to unhealthy dynamics. Feeling content and fulfilled with your own company is a sign of emotional maturity and readiness. This doesn't mean you have to fully embrace the idea of being single forever, but rather that you have cultivated a life that feels rich and satisfying on its own. Focusing on your hobbies, friendships, and personal growth can create a life of abundance, making you less likely to enter a relationship out of desperation or fear of being alone. When you enjoy your life as it is, any new relationship becomes an enhancement rather than a necessity.
5. You're Embodying Your Best Self
Entering a new relationship from a place of strength involves ensuring that you are embodying your best self. This means maintaining healthy habits, taking care of your physical and emotional well-being, and feeling good about the life you're leading. Reflect on the traits you admire in a potential partner and strive to cultivate those attributes within yourself. Self-discipline and a commitment to personal growth not only make you feel confident and authentic but also naturally attract partners who resonate with that positive energy. When you are at your best, you set a standard for the type of relationship you wish to cultivate, ensuring healthier and more fulfilling romantic connections.
Conclusion
Determining readiness for a new relationship is a nuanced process, but paying attention to these signs can provide valuable insights. Moving on from your ex, learning from past relationships, knowing what you want, feeling comfortable alone, and embodying your best self are all important factors that indicate emotional preparedness. By focusing on these aspects, you set the stage for healthier, more meaningful relationships that align with your true self.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Are you able to think about your ex-partner without experiencing strong emotional reactions? Reflect on what this might mean for your healing process.
How have your past relationships shaped your understanding of your own relationship patterns and behaviours? Can you identify specific lessons you've learned?
What are your non-negotiables and deal breakers in a relationship? Have you ever compromised on these in the past, and what were the outcomes?
Do you find yourself feeling desperate for connection when you're single? How might this impact the quality of people you attract and the relationships you build?
In what ways do you currently cultivate a fulfilling and joyful life on your own? Are there areas where you feel you could improve in terms of self-care and contentment?
What traits do you find most attractive in a partner, and how well do you embody these traits yourself? Reflect on what steps you could take to align more closely with these qualities.
Do you feel confident and comfortable being yourself, alone or in a relationship? What changes, if any, would you need to make to fully embody your best self?
How do you balance your needs for connection with maintaining healthy boundaries and self-respect in your dating life?
Have you taken time to intentionally reflect on your previous relationship experiences through practices like journaling or therapy? What insights have you gained?
When considering new relationships, do you prioritize how someone complements your life and values, or do you find yourself more focused on whether they show interest in you? How might shifting your focus influence your dating experiences?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to know if you are ready for a new relationship. So this is one that I'll often get asked when people have been through a breakup and they've taken some time, how do I know that I'm ready to date again? How do I know that I'm sufficiently healed? Which is not language that I would use, but it's often the way the question is phrased to me. What are the signs that you are ready to re enter the world of dating and potentially exploring new connections with someone? So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on that, things that you can look for. I mean, at the outset, I'll say, I don't think there's any hard and fast rule. I don't think there's some objective point of readiness that suddenly you'll wake up and go, today's the day I'm ready. Everything about my previous relationships is behind me, and I am undeniably unequivocally ready as of today.
[00:01:24]:
I think it's a little bit more nuanced than that, of course. But that being said, I do think that there are some things that we can look at and look for in terms of the work that we've done and passage of time, how we're feeling within ourselves, that can point to whether it would be something that we could explore. And you may find that you feel ready, and then you take that step, and you start exploring new connections, and then you actually decide, no, I maybe want to take some more time for myself, and that's fine too. None of this stuff is set in stone, and you are allowed to experiment and explore through trial and error. So all of that being said, I will be sharing 5 signs that you are ready for a new relationship. So hopefully that will give you a bit of a yardstick or or something to to measure your progress against, if we want to put it in those terms. Okay. Before we dive into today's episode, a couple of quick announcements.
[00:02:18]:
As you would have heard me share in the past couple of weeks, I am running a retreat in Australia, in Byron Bay, in May next year. We still have a few early bird spots available, but they are going quickly. So if you're interested in joining us, please do head to my website and submit a short application. It's not anything too rigorous. It's just to make sure that it's a good fit. I would love to see you there if you are interested in doing some really deep transformative work on all of this stuff, building self worth, really stepping into the next version of yourself with intentionality and clarity, and doing so in a beautiful setting with like minded people and myself, I would love to see you there. Likewise, I am running a workshop in Sydney, a weekend intensive at the end of November. So you can sort of think about it as my secure self challenge condensed into 2 days.
[00:03:13]:
So if you are in or near Sydney and you'd like to do 2 full days of coaching with me in a small group, I would love to see you there. You can also jump onto that on my website, and there's no need to apply or anything. You can just sign up there and then. Okay. And last but not least sorry, there's a few announcements today last but not least, I have a new breakup quiz on my website. It's actually not very new. It's been around for a few weeks now, but I keep forgetting to talk about it on the podcast. Look, quizzes are a little bit silly.
[00:03:41]:
I'll be the first to admit that. But what they allow me to do is understand a bit more about where you're at, and this breakup quiz is which breakup stage are you in. So I've got, different guides, breakup guides based on what breakup stage you're in that can offer you a bit more insight and direct you to further free resources based on that. So if you're interested in taking my new breakup quiz, you can also do that via my website. Okay. Announcement's over. Let's talk about 5 signs that you're ready for a new relationship. Okay.
[00:04:10]:
So the first one, hopefully obvious, you're no longer obsessing about your ex. You're not really in the depths of all of the emotional residue, the grief, the sting of thinking about them, the heartache, all of those things that, by the way, are very, very normal after a breakup. We probably want to have processed a lot of that and allowed for the passage of some time before we start exploring new connections with other people. I don't want to put any sort of arbitrary time limit on that because I think there can be so much variation. Some people do a lot of their grieving while still in the relationship, and you sort of know the end is coming, and so you start emotionally detaching before actually pulling the trigger or before the relationship ends. Whereas other people might be really blindsided by the end of their relationship and take much longer to process that it's actually over. So it's really not about a strict passage of time so much as, how do you feel when you think about your ex? When you think about the relationship, does that still bring up a really strong emotional response in your body? Do you feel sick thinking about them? All of those things might be signs that you haven't adequately processed that or not enough time has passed. So a good sign that you might be ready for a new relationship is you can think about your ex and feel relatively neutral.
[00:05:33]:
You don't have to feel absolutely nothing. You don't have to love the idea of them dating someone new, for example. I think it's normal to feel maybe a little bit of discomfort around that. But broadly speaking, it's not going to send you into a tailspin. You don't freak out panic. You're not obsessing about what they're up to, or how they're feeling, what they're thinking, are they missing me? All of that sort of stuff has kind of fallen away, and you're able to look at what happened with a level of detachment, and you're not really feeling that very strong emotional tether to your ex. Okay. The second sign, and sort of flows on from the first, is you feel like you've learned the lessons of your previous relationship.
[00:06:13]:
So do you have clarity around what led to the breakdown of that relationship and what your role was in it? I think it's really easy to just skim over that and go, oh, it just didn't work out, or, oh, that was such a dysfunctional relationship, or it was all their fault because they were avoidant or something like that. But that invariably misses the whole and really skips over an opportunity for us to learn a lot about ourselves and, you know, our part in in how that story unfolded because we do play a role, even if we would like to think that, you know, if only they had done things differently, if only they had changed, then everything would have been fine. If only they had met my needs, then we would have been happy together. I don't think that that's ever true, and we generally have more of a hand in things than we like to admit. So I think a really big piece in the moving on process and the becoming ready for something new is learning the lessons of our previous relationship. So that might look like doing that with a therapist. It might just be journaling. It might be some other sort of reflective practice.
[00:07:22]:
It might be a course. I have a breakup course that takes you through all of these things. But it's got to be some sort of intentional reflection where we're going, what did happen there, and how did I contribute to it? What led to things being unsatisfactory or not feeling good? Where was I out of alignment? Where was the relationship maybe out of alignment with my values or my needs? Where did I not speak up? Where did I not advocate for myself? Where did I let things go on too long when I wasn't really comfortable with them? All of those things are really good information. And again, I think if we just sort of look at it at a very bird's eye kind of view and go, oh, yeah. It was bad. That relationship didn't work. We're missing so much of the richness in so many of the lessons that actually lie in the detail of of what happened and, you know, how it all unfolded. So make sure that you've dedicated some time to really reflecting, kind of deliberately and with a view to learning the lessons on that relationship and its ending.
[00:08:22]:
Okay. The next sign that you are maybe ready to explore a new relationship is you know what you're looking for. My goodness. I cannot emphasize this enough. You're clear in your values and your non negotiables and your deal breakers. Have clear standards for yourself and know what they are. Okay? I can't tell you how common it is, particularly among folks with anxious attachment, which is the bulk of who I work with. People just going into dating with the sole objective, whether they realize it or not, the sole objective of, like, I am seeking connection, and I want that connection with anyone who wants me or shows interest in me.
[00:09:02]:
Full stop. End of criteria. That is not enough, and it is gonna lead you astray every time. So know what you're looking for. Realize that, like, the dating process is as much about you assessing the other person for compatibility, for values alignment, as it is about making them like you. It's not just about making anyone and everyone like you. That is our insecure, unworthy people place a part driving the bus, and that's not a good energy or place to be approaching new relationships from because it's going to lead us to to build something on shaky foundations. So instead, really get clear and do this before you meet someone.
[00:09:40]:
Do this before there's someone in front of you that you're really excited about and you start making excuses and throwing all of this stuff by the wayside because of the connection and the chemistry. Have clarity for yourself. Again, do this, like, as a reflective practice in between relationships. What am I looking for? What are my values? How do I want my relationships to feel? Right? What are my non negotiables? What are my deal breakers? What are my limits? Things that are absolutely not okay for me. Things I am available for and not available for. When you can do that in a more objective sense, when you're feeling really grounded and confident in yourself, then when you go into a relationship or you're exploring a connection, if these things pop up, things that do cross those lines for you, you're much better placed to know that because you've already got those parameters set for yourself rather than, like, oh, I'm really excited about this person, but, you know, they said that we were gonna meet up, and it's 4 PM on the day that we're meant to meet up, and now I haven't heard from them. I wonder if something's wrong. Start making excuses.
[00:10:45]:
Start doing mental acrobatics to try and justify it because you're excited about them and you've got those butterflies and blah blah blah. No. Be very clear for yourself. What am I available for? What kinds of connection? How do I wanna feel? If I'm feeling unsure and uncertain and anxious and doubting whether they're interested in me, all of those things, that can very quickly, when you have the clarity, go, oh, yeah. This isn't what I'm looking for. I'm actually not available for connections of this nature. Thank you. Next.
[00:11:12]:
Right? So do that work in advance, and then you're gonna be much better placed to confidently say no to the things that are not in alignment, and that is gonna free up a lot of time and energy for you. It will preserve your sanity, and it will prevent you from going back into old cycles that are obviously not in service of of what you're truly looking for. Okay. Got a bit passionate about that one. That turned into a bit of a soapbox. Anyway, the next one is that you feel broadly comfortable being alone. Now, I'm not going to say that you have to totally love being single and alone, and you're fine to never be in a relationship again. I think it is totally fine to have a preference for being in a relationship.
[00:11:50]:
I certainly do. But if you are wanting to date again because you are desperately lonely, and you feel like there's a gaping hole in your life, and every day you're comparing yourself to people in a relationship and feeling terribly sorry for yourself, all of that, not a great place to be dating from. So try and build a life in this interim period, this period of transition. Try and build a life that feels good to you, that feels full and rewarding and joyful and nourishing. Really focus on yourself and go all in on very deliberately cultivating that. Because I think, yes, it's beautiful to be in a relationship, but there are trade offs there, and and being single for a period gives you this gift of, like, total selfishness in the best way. So when you don't have to think about someone else all the time and accommodate that and make compromises, you get to really design a life that feels wonderfully well fitted, well suited to you and you only. So make the most of that.
[00:12:57]:
Really go all in on that, and I think that will allow you to then feel really good about your life as it is, and welcome someone into that when the time comes from a place of abundance rather than scarcity, from a place of, like, my life's really great. How could I enhance it by a connection that feels aligned? Rather than, my life feels drab and lonely and sad. I need a relationship to act as some sort of balm or crutch to make me feel better. Again, we can see where that would lead us, and it tends not to be into very balanced or healthy dynamics. Okay. And the last but not least sign that you might be ready for a new relationship is you feel like you're embodying your best self. Now, this will mean different things to different people, but, you know, are you being healthy? Have you got good habits at the moment? Are you showing up to your life in a way that feels like you're really putting your best foot forward? Whatever habits are healthy habits for you, are they all well in place? Do you have self discipline? All of the traits that you would find attractive in a partner is maybe a good way of thinking about it. Are you embodying those things? Are you taking great care of yourself? Are you feeling good in your skin? All of this stuff is going to allow you to go to a new relationship or dating, exploring those connections from a place of kind of easeful, natural self confidence and authenticity.
[00:14:24]:
Again, if you're in a really wobbly patch with your self esteem and your self worth, I don't think that that's the best place to be approaching dating from. And I think there's a lot of value in taking some time to really go all in on yourself and go, okay, what would I need to do? What changes might I need to make in order to improve how I'm feeling about myself? And again, that will look different for different people. You will know what that means in the context of you and your life. But, you know, if you're in a bit of a funk, if you're really enacting old bad habits, if you're not taking great care of yourself, that's probably not going to attract the kind of partner that you really want, and it's it's not a great energy to be approaching a new relationship from. Because I think if we start with bad habits and we start with a a less than ideal energy within ourselves, then it's much more likely that we're going to be dragged down into something heavier by a new relationship rather than, as I said, like, finding someone that matches that really healthy, positive energy that we're embodying and then enhancing that and multiplying that through the relationship. So what would it take for you to be embodying the best version of yourself or a really positive, healthy expression of you before you go into this dating world? Figure out what that looks like, and then start putting those habits in place, putting those structures in place so that you can be accountable to that vision for yourself, because that is going to be the thing that allows you to attract the kind of partner that you really want and the kind of relationship that you really want. So figure out what does my best self do, how do they behave, what do they avoid, and start embodying that as much as you possibly can. Okay.
[00:16:16]:
I hope that that was helpful, those five signs that you might be ready for a new relationship. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave feedback. I read every response, so I'm always very touched by your kind words and support. So thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:16:37]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, On Attachment podcast, breakups, new relationship readiness, dating again, emotional healing, attachment styles, overcoming insecurity, healthy relationships, signs of readiness, emotional detachment, reflective practices, relationship lessons, anxious attachment, setting boundaries, self-worth, dating standards, intentional reflection, values clarity, self-care habits, post-breakup recovery, relationship workshop, Byron Bay retreat, Sydney intensive, self-discipline, embodying best self, breakup quiz, emotional processing