#128 Why Avoidant People Tend to Struggle with Defensiveness
In today's episode, we're talking all about why avoidant partners tend to struggle with defensiveness. While defensiveness is far from being the exclusive domain of avoidant attachment, many people will attest to the fact that avoidant folks are often quick to become defensive in response to relational tension or ruptures - and that this can form a key piece in the negative cycle of many anxious-avoidant relationships.
In today's episode, we're talking all about why avoidant partners tend to struggle with defensiveness. While defensiveness is far from being the exclusive domain of avoidant attachment, many people will attest to the fact that avoidant folks are often quick to become defensive in response to relational tension or ruptures - and that this can form a key piece in the negative cycle of many anxious-avoidant relationships.
Understanding Defensiveness in Avoidant Partners: A Path to Deeper Connection
Navigating relationships can be a delicate dance, especially when it comes to understanding our partner's defensive behaviour. In a recent podcast episode, we delved into the topic of defensiveness in avoidant partners and how it can impact the dynamics of a relationship. Here, we explore the nuances of defensiveness and offer insights into how understanding and compassion can pave the way for deeper connection.
The Complexity of Defensiveness
It's not uncommon for individuals in relationships with avoidant partners to encounter defensiveness during conversations or conflicts. You may find yourself expressing a seemingly innocent comment or need, only to be met with a sudden and abrasive defensive response. This pattern can leave one feeling confused, hurt, and struggling to comprehend the origin of such reactions.
Avoidant Attachment and Defensiveness
Understanding the roots of avoidant attachment can shed light on why defensiveness becomes a go-to strategy for some individuals. Often, those with avoidant attachment patterns have learned to channel their efforts into being successful, competent, and productive as a means to gain validation and connection without engaging in emotionally vulnerable interactions. Therefore, when faced with expressions of need or emotional intensity, their defensive response serves as a protective shield against feelings of personal failure or unworthiness.
Compassion as the Bridge
Beneath the surface of defensive behaviour lies the tenderness and vulnerability of one's emotional landscape. By cultivating compassion and understanding for our avoidant partners, we gain insight into the depths of their defensive reactions. Recognising that defensiveness is a response rooted in self-protection can serve as a bridge to fostering deeper connection. Instead of immediately judging these responses as wrong or dismissive, approaching them with an open heart, curiosity, and compassion can pave the way for meaningful engagement and mutual understanding.
Expressing Needs in Relationships
For those with a more anxious orientation, expressing needs or concerns in a relationship can be particularly challenging when met with defensiveness. While there might be a desire to find the perfect script or tone to elicit a specific response, the path to deeper connection often lies in embracing vulnerability and honest, open-hearted communication. Engaging in conversations with a genuine spirit of curiosity and a willingness to be wrong or surprised can create the space for authentic, non-scripted interactions that drive growth and understanding.
Navigating Emotional Intensity
Another aspect to consider is the response of avoidant partners to emotional intensity. Struggling with their own emotional landscape, they might feel ill-equipped to handle intense emotional expressions from their partner. This discomfort may lead to defensive behaviours, such as dismissing or rejecting the validity of the emotions being expressed. Understanding this perspective highlights the need for empathetic communication that acknowledges the emotional challenges faced by avoidant partners.
Encouraging Growth and Understanding
In acknowledging the roots of defensive behaviour and underlying emotional vulnerabilities, a pathway to growth and understanding emerges. By validating and connecting with our partners on a compassionate level, we create opportunities for authentic engagement and nurturing of emotional intimacy. It's about recognising that every response from our partners is rooted in their own needs, fears, or pains and approaching these with an empathetic lens.
Closing Thoughts
Understanding defensiveness in avoidant partners is a significant step towards building healthier and more secure relationships. It’s an invitation to approach conversations and conflicts with open-heartedness, compassion, and a genuine willingness to understand the complexities of our partner's emotional landscape. While it can be challenging, this approach holds the potential to nurture deeper connections and pave the way for mutual growth and understanding within relationships.
In conclusion, fostering compassion and understanding towards our avoidant partners allows us to embrace vulnerability and non-scripted interactions, ultimately creating a space for authentic engagement and deeper emotional intimacy.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you experienced defensiveness or felt the need to defend yourself in your relationship dynamics, either as the avoidant partner or the anxious partner? How did you navigate or express this defensiveness?
Reflect on a recent conflict or disagreement in your relationship. How did defensiveness play a role in that situation, and what emotions or fears do you think were underlying the defensive responses from both you and your partner?
Have you ever felt dismissed or invalidated when expressing strong emotions or needs in a relationship? How did this make you feel, and how did you respond to your partner's defensiveness or dismissal?
From your perspective, what would be a healthy way to express needs or concerns in a relationship without triggering defensiveness in yourself or your partner? How can you balance being assertive with being compassionate towards your partner's vulnerabilities?
Consider how defensiveness may be linked to your or your partner's attachment styles. Do you notice patterns in how your attachment styles influence your reactions to conflict and emotional expression?
Reflect on a time when you struggled to show understanding and compassion towards your partner's defensiveness. What could you have done differently to foster a more open and empathetic communication in that situation?
How does vulnerability and openness contribute to reducing defensiveness in relationships? How comfortable are you with showing vulnerability, and how does it impact your interactions with your partner?
Think about a recent instance where you felt extremely emotional and your partner responded defensively. What do you think were the unspoken fears or discomforts that led to their defensive reaction, and how might you navigate these emotions together in the future?
Reflect on how self-worth and self-trust play a role in managing defensiveness. How does a strong sense of self-worth lead to healthier responses in challenging situations, and how does it influence your ability to trust yourself and your partner's intentions?
In what ways can you build a culture of openness and emotional safety in your relationship to reduce defensiveness and encourage honest communication? How do you think this would impact the overall dynamic and connection with your partner?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of on Attachment. In today's episode, I'm answering the question of why avoidant partners can struggle so much with defensiveness. So I'm often getting questions from folks who are more anxious leaning and who are in relationship with avoidant partners and who really struggle with this in conflict, in conversations, or maybe just in casual interactions, that there seems to be this real sensitivity and that their partners are very quick to become defensive. Often in response to things that can feel kind of innocuous, almost to the point where it feels like you don't really know what happened. You say something that you feel is pretty innocent and all of a sudden you're getting this big defensive response. It seems to escalate a topic of conversation or a rupture.
[00:01:21]:
It really takes the heat up very quickly in a way that can feel quite sudden and abrasive and confusing for you if you're on the receiving end of it. Now, of course, defensiveness is not something that is exclusive to avoidant folks, but I think it would be fair to say that it's a pretty common thing for people with more avoidant attachment patterns to really struggle with, and for that to be something that they lean on as a strategy to keep themselves safe, to protect themselves when they are feeling under attack. And it may be that their perception of what constitutes an attack might be quite different to yours, but that's all part of being in relationship, right, is recognising that our intention is not always the way something lands. And so trying to cultivate a level of understanding and curiosity for someone else's experience so that we're not just judging their responses as being wrong or bad and kind of vilifying them for that, we're actually approaching it with a bit more, as I said, curiosity, compassion, openness, non judgement, because that's really what's likely to get us the engagement that we're looking for, rather than just then making someone wrong for their defensiveness, which I think is where most of us go. And I know that for me, even still, it's a real practise of not immediately saying, why are you getting so defensive? You're being so unreasonable. Because that can be how it feels sometimes. And yet I think I certainly know from experience, and I'm guessing many of you listening will too, that that tends not to play very well. That if you start attacking someone for their defensive response, then that defensive response is likely to amplify rather than minimise.
[00:03:06]:
So that's what I'm going to be talking about today, sharing some thoughts on why, from what we know about avoidant attachment and its origins and the core wounds, why defensiveness arises as a really natural response and how we might start to work with that in a partner or even in yourself. Right. If you're listening to this and you notice that you have more of these defensive patterns, I think, as with anything, the more that we can bring consciousness to kind of connecting the dots on what purpose that behaviour is serving, then we're much better placed to come up with a healthier alternative and another way of doing things that meets the need or creates the safety, without having to rely on strategies that amplify conflict, that amplify disconnection, that amplify hurt and misunderstanding and leave us feeling worse off. So we'll be talking about all of that and more in today's episode. Before I dive into that, a quick reminder. You might have heard me share last week, or if you follow me on Instagram, you might have seen me share there, that I'm running a 28 day challenge called the secure self. It's kicking off on the 13 February and it's going to be all about building self worth and really understanding the different pillars of self worth. So if you followed me for a while, you might have heard me say before that I don't really love preaching self love advice, just telling people to love themselves more.
[00:04:38]:
And not that there's anything wrong with that, but I think that it just doesn't really land for a lot of people because no one really knows what it means and it feels really far away and hard to even imagine feeling self love if that's just not where you're starting from. And I think for a lot of us that is not where we're starting from. So I always tend to rely on concepts like self worth and self respect and self compassion, self discipline, self trust, which I feel more easily translate into tangible practises and acts and building blocks so that we can start to really repair that relationship that we have with ourselves, which is so foundational to any relationship that we'll ever have with anybody else. So I'm holding a 28 day challenge where we're going to have four weeks, four themes, an online community and two live calls. With me, so I'm hoping that it's going to be lots of fun. We've already had lots of people sign up in the last week, which is really great. And if that sounds interesting to you, it's all linked in the show notes if you want to cheque out the details. It's also hopefully relatively easy to find on my website, stephanierigg.com.
[00:05:42]:
So I'd love to see you there if you're interested. Okay, so let's talk about this avoidant attachment and defensiveness now, as I flagged in the introduction, and I want to emphasise here, that's not to say that every avoidant person is going to be really defensive and people who aren't avoidant won't struggle with defensiveness. I know for myself that I can be really defensive and really committed to seeing myself as right and as good. And to the extent that my partner, or anyone else for that matter, shares with me that they don't like something that I've done or that they've interpreted something that I've said as being other than what I intended in a way that I feel is an unfavourable depiction of me that's really hard for me to receive, and I do definitely feel defensive about that. It just tends to look different. Right. If you're more anxious and you have more of that people pleasing streak in you, then your defensiveness is likely to come out as more of a fawn type response. Right? It's more of a I've got to change your mind and kind of soften this and persuade you as to why I'm actually good and why you don't need to see me that way.
[00:06:55]:
But it tends to be through more engagement and more connection. Right. But ultimately it is a defensive response. It's not just accepting the way someone's perceived you and apologising for it, it's trying to persuade them as to why they're mistaken. So I think that's defensiveness as well. Right. And it's really important to recognise that rather than just again labelling someone else as defensive and letting ourselves off scot free. But what you're likely to see, if you have a more avoidant partner, their defensiveness is likely to take the form of more of a wall up, more of a quick smackdown response, kind of a batting back, a disengagement, an escalation.
[00:07:33]:
It is likely to be more of a fight response than your more fawning type response of going into that, like collapsing people pleasing thing of, I need to change your mind about me. The avoidant version of defensiveness is likely to be just trying to shut it down and block it out. And so it can look quite different, right. And that kind of defensiveness, because it's foreign to you as someone with more anxious attachment patterns. Foreign in the sense of that's not how you would approach it. It can feel like a bit of a slap in the face, or it can feel quite like an affront, something that you're unfamiliar with and uncomfortable with, and that can feel really threatening to your system. We know that anything that takes the shape of disconnection or pulling away is going to be really activating for you. And so when your partner becomes defensive, particularly if that's in response to you voicing a need or a concern, or expressing something that's not feeling great for you in the relationship, having them shut that down very quickly and disengage, can feel not only like you're a little bit shaken up by the rupture and the tension, but it can feel like a rejection of whatever you are bringing to them.
[00:08:46]:
And it's really easy to then fall into the story of you don't care about the hurt that I'm bringing to you, or the concern that I'm bringing to you, or whatever else it might be, because you're just totally unwilling to engage. And that obviously can exacerbate whatever pain we're in, because we then layer on all of these other stories of this person doesn't care about me at all because of the way that they're responding to me. If they cared about my emotions, if they cared about my well being, they would want to hear this. Now, as with all of these things, there's layers here and there's nuance and there's context. And on the one hand, I'd say that, yeah, of course, healthy, secure relationships. We want to create a culture and an environment in the relationship where concerns are welcomed and that each person is really genuinely invested in and wants to receive and hear whatever might be bothering the other as part of a commitment to the emotional hygiene of the relationship. And I think it's fair to say that most of us are not perfect in that respect. And for a lot of us, it is really hard to receive that.
[00:09:53]:
And defensiveness, I think the more we can really honestly see defensiveness as a fairly natural response to feeling attacked or caught off guard or villainized, being told that we're wrong or bad, when that just isn't our intention. Defensiveness really arises quite naturally. And so I think that it's useful in particular with avoidant attachment, because the expression of defensiveness can feel quite confronting, again, particularly if you're more anxious, and that's just not your style. It can be helpful in fostering that compassion and the humanness of it, really seeing into that humanness to understand what might be going on beneath the surface there. And for a lot of avoidant folks, they might not have really conscious awareness of this. It might not be a direct story that they're telling on the inside or their internal script. But what we know about avoidant attachment is that in the formation of that attachment style, those strategies, often what you'll see is a child who has had their emotional needs denied in some way. And because of that, they tend to channel their efforts into being successful, into achieving, into being good, being useful, being productive, all of these things that can get them the connection and the validation that they're yearning for without it being a direct emotional engagement in a way that, for whatever reason, has proven to be unsafe in their family system.
[00:11:30]:
And so because they've sort of switched that part of themselves off and really gone all in on being successful, being good, performing, achieving, being competent is a big one. Being, as I said, successful, this is really, really essential to their self image. And in order to feel like they're doing well and they're okay and they're a good person, they really need to feel like they're successful. And so oftentimes when we come into relationship and you've got an anxious partner who their blueprint tells them that it's really important to always be on the lookout for the bad things that might be happening or the ways in which our relationship is imperfect. And I'm going to bring all of those things to you because I really don't want anything bad to happen. And I feel like we have to get ahead of all of these potential leaky holes in the boat so that the ship doesn't sink, because that terrifies me. The idea of us not being together terrifies me. And so I think we should just talk about all the problems all the time to try and solve them.
[00:12:34]:
For someone who really prides themselves on feeling like they're doing a good job, that can feel like a constant bombardment of here are all the ways in which you are not measuring up, here are all the ways in which you are failing in being my partner. Here are all the ways in which I am disappointed in you, or you're falling short. And so defensiveness can arise in that context almost as a way to reconcile all of that and to make it not feel so big and not feel like such a personal failure. Because for someone to have to be on the receiving end of that when that's their story and that's the way they receive all of those things, is you are not good enough, you are failing. They kind of have to defend against that because it's just so painful, so deeply painful to their self image to receive it in that way. Even though that's not the way you intend it, as I'm sure it isn't for most people, it's not your intention to tell someone that they're a failure. But recognising that, that's often, whether it's conscious or not, how your partner is going to receive it, I think we can start to go, okay, maybe it's making a little more sense why my partner responds in that way to something like me expressing a need, me saying that I'd like more of this or less of that, or whatever it might be. And of course, there are better and worse ways to express needs that are more and less likely to elicit defensiveness.
[00:14:02]:
But even still, I think the simple fact of expressing a need sometimes, or expressing a concern or a boundary or a worry or an insecurity can be perceived as a personal attack on someone who has that sensitivity and that really strong commitment to wanting to be good. And I think the more we can feel into that and go, oh, this hurts you because you really, really want to feel like you're a great partner to me, then we can start to access some more of that compassion. And I think, as a side note, it's why it's so powerful to really reorient ourselves to the things that are going right in our relationship and really being very generous with our appreciation and vocalisation of those beings acknowledging what our partner is doing. Well, because that's the stuff that they really need to hear. Someone who really prides themselves on feeling like they're doing a good job, feeling like they're succeeding like that, you do appreciate them and you do see their efforts making sure that that really significantly outweighs, not even just that it's on a level playing field, that it really outweighs all of the things you're bringing to them that you're dissatisfied about. Right? Even though from your perspective, you're bringing those things with the good intention of wanting to make sure the relationship is really strong and healthy. So I think one other aspect of the defensiveness from the avoidant perspective can be when their partner is very emotional and because again, we know that for avoidant folks there can be almost an underdeveloped emotional landscape that, as I was explaining before in that avoidant attachment origin story, often that part of themselves gets siloed or kind of locked away because it wasn't nurtured in their family of origin and it wasn't really valued, it wasn't welcomed. And so they learn early on that that's not safe or that that's not going to get me what I need.
[00:16:02]:
And so there can be a real internal disconnect for avoidant folks where they're not really comfortable with their own big emotions. And so by extension, they don't really know what to do with someone else's big emotions. They can feel really ill equipped. Again, going back to the thing of I really like feeling competent and in control. If someone else has got really big emotions and I feel like it's my fault, or that they're really upset with me or disappointed, they're crying, they're overwhelmed, I really don't know how to handle that. And so defensiveness there, again, of course, if you're on the receiving end of it and you are really emotional and all you want is for someone to just see you and validate you and understand, having someone almost reject or dismiss you in that moment through their defensiveness can feel incredibly upsetting and like an abandonment in and of itself. Right. You're emotionally abandoning me in this moment when I so clearly need you to be there for me.
[00:16:55]:
But for the avoidant person, again, I know this is really hard to have compassion for if you've been on the other side of it and it's caused you a lot of hurt and pain, but if we can have that ability to just step outside of our experience and walk around the other side and look over the shoulder of our avoidant partner and understand that for them that is so frightening to be faced with someone who's got these really big feelings, emotions, very expressive in a way that might feel quite out of control, and they just feel totally ill equipped, like they do not know what to do with it. And you're expecting me to do something and I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. And so from that place, it might be safer for me to become defensive, to push that back onto you, to push the responsibility back onto you, to sort of say, that's not my problem, what do you want me to do about that? Or to try and undermine the validity of the emotions that you're expressing by saying that. I didn't mean to make you upset. So why are you so upset? Something in that vein that shifts the burden back onto you. When it feels like it's going to eat them alive, it's going to smother them and they're just not comfortable with being in that seat because they don't really have experience with it. It's not part of their toolkit, what they've really learned to do. So all of that to say there's a few different limbs there of why defensiveness might arise for someone with more avoidant patterns and why that.
[00:18:29]:
Again, as much as it can feel hurtful or abrasive or upsetting or dismissive on the surface, that when we peel back a layer and we go, what's this really about for this person? If defensiveness is a protective strategy, what are they protecting? What's the tenderness here that this person that I love is feeling that is leading them to have to come out with such a self protective response and to be able to do that, that's like really, really advanced relationship skills, right? To feel into that in a moment when we're feeling hurt and to be able to hold both of those things as true, to see someone's humanity, even when we feel hurt by their behaviour. So recognising all of that, and I think once we can start to see that and feel that and kind of touch that, then we have a much greater likelihood of being able to build a bridge between us. And whether that's voicing it and naming it and saying it feels like maybe you're feeling attacked and I'm really sorry, it's not my intention to attack you, but I can see that that's how you're feeling and I'm really sorry. Speaking to the pain that you think they might be in, speaking to the fear or the sensitivity and owning that, even though that's not what you intended, that that might be the consequence and kind of opening up the conversation for them to share that there's much more engagement, right. Potential there. Because all of a sudden you're not making them the bad guy, you're not making them the villain in a really express way. Even if, as I said, that wasn't your initial intention anyway, obviously, when defensiveness is arising, irrespective of your intention, irrespective of your delivery, that's how it's landing, right? And that's not your fault. We need to kind of remove this whole paradigm of fault and villain, victim and blame, and just go, okay, this is what is right.
[00:20:36]:
Now you are feeling that even though that's the opposite of what I wanted, that is real and true. And so if I'm going to be a good partner in this moment, if I'm going to be open hearted, then my role is to validate that. Validate how divincies you're being and really recognise that. I guess the final thing that I'd add to all of that is if you're someone with more anxious patterns and you're listening to this and you were hoping that I was going to give you the perfect script to deliver the voicing of a need in a way where your partner was guaranteed to not get defensive. I can't give you that. Right. And I wouldn't want to give you that because I think a really big part of your work, as someone who's more anxious, I say your work, but it's also part of my ongoing work, is recognising that I can only control so much and that it's much less about delivering the perfect script in the perfect way with the perfect tone, so that my partner responds in the exact way that I want. That's really just me being controlling and manipulative.
[00:21:44]:
Right. It might be with the good intention of avoiding conflict or getting a need met, but it's kind of an overreach. Right. It's that over functioning. If I can just tiptoe around everything and do it in the perfect way, then I'll never have to rock the boat. So it's really an extension of my stuff, or your stuff to be doing it in that way. And so I really think the better approach is actually to just wade into the messiness of it and to be honest and open hearted and to share what you're needing to share and to be willing to be wrong or be willing to apologise, be willing to kind of see what happens in a conversation and be surprised, rather than needing to rehearse it a million times and putting this huge amount of pressure on yourself to curate the moment so that it plays out the way that you want, and then blaming yourself if it doesn't. Or blaming them because they're so unreasonable because you said it in the perfect way and they still got defend right.
[00:22:44]:
All of that is really. Even though, as I said, it's coming from a good place. I'm sure that is actually keeping you entrenched in the same patterns, because it's an extension of that part of you that just wants to eliminate risk and control everything rather than actually be vulnerable. So trust that with a level of open heartedness with a level of genuine curiosity. So, like, I'm showing up to this moment with totally fresh eyes and no expectations and I'm just going to see what happens and see what's here and ask questions and listen to the answers, right? I'm not going to coach you. I'm not going to try and steer you one way or the other. I just want to be in this moment, present with you and see what happens, see what might be different from that place. Because, as you will have heard me speak about before, so much of what we transmit to each other in particularly intense moments when our nervous system is really on high alert.
[00:23:48]:
So much of it is nonverbal and so much of it is way beyond anything we could ever write down in a neat script. So I think that recognising that so much of our communication is from the heart and from the body rather than the words that we say, and feeling into our responsibility there and recognising how powerful it is when we start to change the way that we show up in that respect and just trusting that we can figure it out. And that even though the person that we're in a relationship with might not always respond the way we want, that every response is based in some sort of need or some sort of pain or some sort of fear. And that if we really want to build healthy relationships that are based on deep compassion and security and care, that that's part of our responsibility, is to seek to understand our partner's pain and fear and sensitivities, rather than just trying to make them suppress that or convince them why they don't need to feel that way. Because it's uncomfortable for us. So I hope that that's given you some insights, something to think about, something to reflect upon and maybe some takeaways, if this is a dynamic that exists in your relationship and something that you can take into the next time you encounter this, because you will, it's still something that I encounter all the time in my relationship, in myself, in my partner. So it's not one of those things that we're just going to eradicate because it's a human thing, right? Defensiveness is a very, very natural response and it's more about understanding the why of it rather than needing to eradicate it or make it stop or make it go away. I think we just have to change how we relate to these things and how we respond to them.
[00:25:45]:
Because that's really where our growth lies and that's where we can make a lot of progress in our connection with each other. As always, I'm so grateful for all of you tuning in. For anyone who leaves reviews and ratings, I read every single one of them, and I'm so appreciative always for your beautiful words. So thank you and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:26:08]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, avoidant partners, defensiveness, anxious leaning, conflict, communication, connection, understanding, compassion, self-worth, self-love, emotional needs, emotional hygiene, secure relationships, emotional awareness, emotional response, emotional landscape, communication skills, emotional regulation, vulnerability, compassion, relationship dynamics, nonverbal communication, insecurity, emotional wellbeing, sensitivity, emotional support, anxiety, self-reflection.
#127 How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
In today's episode, we're talking all about comparison. Comparison is one of those things that we're all susceptible to at some point or another: we compare ourselves based on appearance, personality, success, relationships. It can sometimes seem like there's a never ending list of reasons to feel dissatisfied or inadequate when we look at our lives relative to someone else's.
How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others | On Attachment | Ep 127
In today's episode, we're talking all about comparison. Comparison is one of those things that we're all susceptible to at some point or another: we compare ourselves based on appearance, personality, success, relationships. It can sometimes seem like there's a neverending list of reasons to feel dissatisfied or inadequate when we look at our lives relative to someone else's.
And yet, while comparison is arguably a universal human experience, it's undeniable that some of us struggle with the comparison trap more than others - sometimes to the point where it feels debilitating and destructive to our sense of self.
The Power of Self-Worth: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Comparison - we all do it. Whether subconsciously or consciously, we find ourselves looking at others and assessing how we measure up. The urge to compare ourselves to those around us is deeply ingrained in human nature. However, this tendency can become a source of distress, leading to feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, and anxiety. In this episode of On Attachment, we delve into the universal experience of comparison and explore strategies to break free from its grasp and cultivate a greater sense of self-worth and confidence.
The Comparison Conundrum
From the moment we scroll through social media feeds to the interactions we have with colleagues and friends, the opportunities for comparison are endless. The modern world inundates us with a multitude of experiences, successes, and relationships from others, often leaving us feeling inadequate and perpetuating the illusion that everyone else is thriving while we are lagging behind.
The tendency to compare ourselves intensifies for individuals grappling with low self-worth. When we struggle to recognise and appreciate our own value, we are more prone to fixating on what we lack, as opposed to celebrating our strengths and unique attributes. This internal dialogue of not being good enough or not measuring up nourishes the cycle of comparison, perpetuating and reinforcing feelings of inadequacy.
The Antidote to Comparison
While overcoming the impulse to compare ourselves to others may seem daunting, the key lies in nurturing our self-worth. Building self-worth is not an overnight transformation but rather a progressive journey requiring patience, commitment, and self-compassion.
Embracing self-worth involves a conscious effort to acknowledge and appreciate our strengths, virtues, and contributions. It's about shifting the focus from what we lack to what we embody, recognising that our worth is not contingent on external validations.
Navigating the Relational Repercussions
The vicious cycle of comparison permeates into our relationships, influencing how we perceive and interact with others. Insecurity and low self-worth can manifest as jealousy, creating a perpetual state of suspicion and competition, even in the context of healthy relationships. The constant evaluation and comparison with others disrupt our ability to authentically connect and enjoy the company of others, leading to heightened anxiety and a sense of unease.
However, prioritising self-worth catalyses a transformative shift in our relational dynamics. By anchoring ourselves in a deep belief in our intrinsic value, we foster trust in ourselves and our relationships. This trust extends beyond external factors, allowing us to embrace our worth independently of others' opinions, strengthening our resilience and empowering us to set aside comparisons and build authentic connections rooted in mutual respect and understanding.
Overcoming the Comparison Trap
The pursuit of self-worth can pave the way to freedom from the comparison trap. By cultivating self-worth, we detach ourselves from the need for approval or validation from external sources. We begin to appreciate our inherent worth, paving the way for a more harmonious and fulfilling life. Furthermore, the ripple effect of enhancing our self-worth transcends comparison, extending to other facets of our lives, such as reducing the tendency to people-please and nurturing resilience in the face of adversity.
Escaping the comparison trap is not about eradicating awareness of others' achievements or experiences, but rather reframing our perspectives. It's about acknowledging others' journeys while steadfastly reaffirming our own unique path. By grounding ourselves in self-worth, we tap into a wellspring of confidence and assurance that empowers our relationships and allows us to experience life authentically and unencumbered by comparisons.
A Journey Towards Greater Self-Worth
The road to self-worth is a continuous, evolving process, requiring active engagement and commitment. While it involves confronting internal dialogues and navigating emotional complexities, the rewards are immeasurable. As we embark on this journey, we bask in the newfound freedom from the confines of comparison. We liberate ourselves from the suffocating weight of unworthiness and usher in a profound sense of self-compassion, confidence, and empowerment.
In conclusion, as we rally against the seductive pull of comparison, we fortify our resolve to cultivate our self-worth. Embracing self-worth is the catalyst for untethering ourselves from the allure of comparison, nurturing resilience, and fostering authentic, fulfilling relationships. It's a commitment to ourselves, a testament to our inherent value, and an affirmation of our individual narratives, unencumbered by the shadow of comparison.
Embracing Self-Worth
In the pursuit of self-worth, we shatter the confines of comparison, celebrating our intrinsic value and paving the way for a life characterised by authenticity, fortitude, and genuine connections.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you personally struggle with comparison in your daily life? Do you find yourself caught in a pattern of comparing your life, achievements, or appearance to others? How does this impact your self-worth and relationships with others?
How has the oversupply of information in today's culture affected your sense of self-worth and comparison to others? Do you feel pressured to measure up to the standards presented in social media and popular culture? How does this impact your mental well-being?
Reflect on a time when you felt threatened or insecure in a relationship due to comparison with others. How did this affect your ability to authentically connect with your partner or potential partners? In what ways do you feel your insecurities may have impacted the relationship dynamic?
Consider the role of building self-worth in mitigating comparisons. How can focusing on your own self-worth help reduce the impact of external influences and comparisons? In what ways can building self-worth positively impact your relationships with yourself and others?
Have you noticed any patterns of performing, people-pleasing, or seeking validation in your relationships and social interactions? How do these patterns relate to your sense of self-worth and comparison with others?
Reflect on your experiences with social anxiety. How does the fear of not measuring up to others affect your ability to authentically connect with people and form genuine relationships?
What actionable steps can you take to reduce the impact of comparison in your life and relationships? How can you cultivate a sense of self-worth that allows you to embrace authenticity and self-acceptance, regardless of external comparisons?
In what ways do you find yourself resisting the societal pressure to constantly compare yourself to others? How can you shift towards a mindset of opting out of the comparison game and embracing your own unique journey and strengths?
Think about a time when you found yourself instinctively sizing yourself up against someone else. How did this impact your thoughts and emotions? How do you envision responding to similar situations in a more empowered and self-affirming way in the future?
Consider exploring the concept of "enoughness" and how it relates to comparison and self-worth. How can you shift your mindset to embody a sense of being enough, independent of external comparisons and societal standards?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about comparison and how we can stop comparing ourselves to others. So I think that this is a topic that, although it was inspired by a question I received on Instagram, it's so universal and so relatable for, I think all of us, whether this is something that you really, really struggle with or maybe you just experience a regular human amount as we'll come to shortly, I do think that this is something that we're all going to encounter at various points in our life. This tendency to compare, to look over our shoulder to see what other people are doing and to see where we stack up relative to that. I do think that it's a very natural tendency, but I also think that some of us definitely go down that vortex more than others and can get really stuck there. And particularly if you're someone who struggles with unworthiness or insecurity, anxiety, I think these can all go hand in hand. And not only does that impact our relationship with ourself, our self confidence, our self esteem, but it can really bleed into our relationships with others.
[00:01:41]:
Again, as we'll come to talk about, I think that there's a lot of overlap. If you were to do a ven diagram of people who struggle with comparison and low self worth, with people who struggle with anxious attachment, who struggle with jealousy, who struggle with a fear of abandonment, all of these things, I think that might not be so obvious in their relationship to each other. When we start to dig a little deeper, we can see how there's lots of tendrils and webs linking them all together. So I'm going to be talking about that today. Why some of us struggle with comparison more than others, where that might be coming from, what purpose is that serving, and ultimately how we can start to build a greater sense of self worth, self confidence, in a way that allows us to not become immune to comparison. Because, as I said, I think we all go there sometimes. I know I certainly do. But in a way that we can be broadly comfortable with who we are, with what we have to offer, with our value, such that we're not so heavily focused on what everyone else is doing and how everyone else looks and trying to figure out where we sit on that scale, because I think that's a pretty exhausting way to live and almost always leaves us feeling worse about ourselves or at least feeling very insecure.
[00:02:59]:
So that is what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a quick announcement. I'm really excited to be launching a brand new offering. It's called the secure self and it's a 28 day challenge that's going to be kicking off next month. So just before Valentine's Day, it's a four week challenge. It's going to be all about a lot of what we're talking about today, building self worth. And each week we'll address a different pillar of self worth, a different focus area. It's going to be really accessible, both in cost.
[00:03:32]:
It's the lowest cost offering that I've had for a while, but also in its delivery. So I'm going to do audio only lessons so you can listen to it all on your phone. It's just going to be a short lesson each week and then a challenge or a homework task, something like that, an implementation piece. There's going to be a pop up community so you can connect with others who are doing the challenge, which is always a really nice component. And there'll also be two live calls with me, so there's a lot of value packed into it. It's a nice, short and sweet 128 days and I think it hopefully will appeal to people across the spectrum. No matter your attachment style, no matter whether you're new to my work or whether you've done everything I've ever released. This will be quite distinct in, as I said, both the content and the delivery, and I'm really looking forward to it.
[00:04:19]:
So early bird enrollment for that is open as of today and the early bird pricing will be available for the next week. So definitely head to the show notes and cheque that out if you're interested. Or you can go straight to my website, @stephanierigg.com and check out all the details, including some more info on each of the themes and stuff like that. So would love to see as many of you in there as possible. I think it's going to be really good fun. Okay, so let's talk about comparison. So as I said at the start, I think I'm always mindful when we talk about comparison or people pleasing or self criticism, any of these things that, of course can be really challenging, but also are very human. I don't want you to feel like you have to add that to the list of things that are wrong with you? Oh no.
[00:05:07]:
I compare myself to other people. Does that mean that's another thing that I need to fix about myself? Of course. We all do this, right? We do it subconsciously and maybe we do it very consciously. We're aware of other people's appearances or other people's success or other people's relationships. All of these things. I think that we are, whether it's innate or we are all just conditioned to do it. I think having an awareness of what other people are doing, how they're presenting, how they're living their lives relative to ours is pretty normal. I think where it can get really challenging is in this day and age when we have such an oversupply of information and exposure to so many different people and so many different information sources, relationships, all of these things, we're really bombarded.
[00:05:54]:
And so there's a lot to feel bad about. It can create this illusion and this sense that everyone else is thriving and I'm not. Or everyone else is beautiful and successful and charming and funny and I'm just average because obviously the data that we're getting is pretty skewed in that direction because that's what content is pushed to us. And so I think that while this tendency to compare ourselves is a very natural one, it's probably on steroids in our modern culture. Add to that, if you are someone who really struggles with low self worth I think that you're likely to be really prone to comparison. More so than someone who's pretty comfortable within themselves. And that maybe sounds obvious, but I think that when we really struggle with believing in our own value and really kind of knowing who we are and what we have to offer and really owning our strengths and our value proposition as a person going, yeah, I'm a great friend and people really like my sense of humour and I'm really good at my job and I'm smart and I'm loyal and all of those things, we don't tend to do that very often. We don't tend to take stock of those things and really reflect that back to ourselves because our tendency is to focus on the lack.
[00:07:13]:
Right? I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not successful enough, I'm not rich enough, I don't have the perfect relationship. And that's where our attention goes. And that's really where we then end up feeling pretty shitty about ourselves. That feeds it, right? The low self worth plants the seed or makes us prone or susceptible to that comparison, and then it kind of spirals from there because the comparison inevitably feeds the low self worth and so on and so forth. So I think if you know that about yourself, that you're already quite prone to comparison, that you have those struggles with self worth, that's just a really good thing to know and to recognise, because there's things we can do about that, right? Building self worth is not an overnight thing, but it's absolutely possible, and I can speak from personal experience that I definitely used to struggle with comparison a lot more than I do now. As I said, I'm not free of it now. It's not like I never fall into that trap, but I'm definitely less bothered by it, both on a personal level and certainly in a relationship. So I did mention that I kind of talk about the relational piece.
[00:08:17]:
And I think again, to use myself as an example, when I was younger, before I had done a lot of this work, I was pretty insecure. And I found it really easy to fall into that place of comparing myself, particularly to other women in the context of relationships, and feeling kind of subtly threatened by most other women, or even the women that I didn't feel threatened by. It was because I'd gone through a process of comparing myself to them and deciding that I didn't need to be threatened by them. But that was still in that mindset of assessing everyone as a competitor or a potential threat to how I felt about myself and how comfortable I felt in my relationship. And that was pretty exhausting, right? When I look back on that now, I can see that a lot of that was coming from a place of low self worth and not really believing in my value, thinking that everyone had something that I didn't, and really feeling that sense of not enough. I'm not enough of this, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not cool enough, my clothes aren't as nice as that person. Like all of these little things that just kept me totally on edge and so uncomfortable within myself that I really didn't get to enjoy not only relationships, but kind of friendships and social settings. It just created this constant anxiety.
[00:09:45]:
Because I think when you are in that mode of sizing people up and assessment, it takes you out of presence. You don't get to just show up as yourself authentically and connect with other people as themselves authentically. You're always kind of in this mode of not inauthenticity, but performing and assessing and self protection. I don't think that that's really conducive to connecting authentically with others, which is really what we want. And frankly, it just kind of takes the fun out of it. I think for a lot of us who struggle with social anxiety, which is maybe something we need to do a whole nother episode on, because these days, more than ever, I think social anxiety is probably not talked about enough, but is so chronic and endemic that a lot of people have a really, really hard time with socialising, making friends, feeling confident in social settings, which has no doubt been exacerbated by a couple of years of isolation. But, yeah, I think that it feels really complicated, it feels really hard, it feels really intimidating. And the more that we are in this mindset of needing to prove ourselves and needing to show up in a certain way in order to be impressive or be likeable to perform, then that anxiety is only going to skyrocket because we put all this pressure on ourselves to be a certain way in order to achieve an outcome, rather than just being and letting that be enough.
[00:11:09]:
So what do we do with all of this? How do we stop comparing ourselves to others? Again, I think that there's probably always going to be this lingering thing where we are aware of what other people are doing and we might have a voice inside of us that does peer over our shoulder, peer over the neighbor's fence, so to speak, and see what other people are up to and how they are going, and how that stacks up against what we're doing, how we're going, how we're feeling, and either feeling temporarily better about ourselves because we assess ourselves as superior, or performing better, or ticking certain boxes that other people aren't. And so we get that kind of little ego boost, or we feel worse about ourselves because we've decided that they're ahead of us, or better than us, or superior to us. But either way, I think we're in that egoic kind of mindset that doesn't actually feed us at a deep level, it doesn't feel peaceful and it keeps us stuck in that. Because if you're in that hamster wheel, you kind of just have to keep playing it in order. Even if you are ahead, you've got to then stay ahead. Whereas I think stepping off the hamster wheel altogether and opting out of the game is probably a much more fruitful and rewarding way of being. So, all of that being said, it's kind of like all roads lead back to building your self worth. And I recognise that that's not like an easy, oh, great, I'll just go build my self worth and then everything will be resolved.
[00:12:38]:
That's a path and it's work and it's a process, right? A practise, we could call it. But it's a really rewarding one. And it's one that I talk about a lot, because I think that the ripple effect from focusing on building your self worth into all of these other areas of life, we can start to see that things like comparison, things like people pleasing, things like staying in relationships longer than we should, or pursuing relationships with people who are not really aligned or not really interested in us, these all kind of spring out from this place of low self worth. And when we start to work on that in a really committed and sustained way, we really make that a priority. It's amazing how organically all of these other things kind of fall away. They might not totally disappear, but they just become less relevant to us. They feel like less of a fit and comparison, I think, is one of them. Because ultimately comparison is trying to protect us, right? It's just feeding back information.
[00:13:40]:
Because a part of us is convinced that we're in competition with these people. And when that's the story that we're telling ourselves, then staying safe means winning. And so we feel like we have to do that and we have to kind of beat away all of the threats to our identity and our relationships. Whereas when we step out of that mindset and we really start to grow those seeds of self worth from the ground up, really within ourselves, then, as I said, all of those things just start to feel a little less important. And again, speaking from personal experience, things that I used to really, really struggle with in relationship, like jealousy was a big one. I was so aware of other women, even when there was nothing untoward, there weren't circumstances that warranted that. But I was inwardly just so wary of other women. I felt so threatened by them.
[00:14:32]:
And I really don't feel that anymore in my relationship because I trust in my value, I trust my partner, but I trust that even if anything were to happen, that that's not a comment on my worth. Because I really believe in my worth in a really embodied way. And I think that that's just quite profoundly healing to do that work and get to that place where it's not about never having wobly days, where you feel a little unsure of yourself or never having social anxiety. I certainly still don't like showing up to a room of people who, I don't know, that's not my comfort zone at all, but just feeling a little bit more anchored in who you are and letting that be okay and letting that be enough and knowing yourself and just kind of removing some of the heaviness of having to perform or emulate what other people are doing or copy other people or compete with other people. Because as I said, I think that that just is really, really draining. If nothing else, it's an exhausting way of living. And it's one of those things where insecurity begets more insecurity begets more insecurity. The downward spiral is real with all of those things because it really drags us down in our energy.
[00:15:51]:
But the inverse is also true. The upward spiral is possible and available to all of you if that's something that you're really committed to choosing and creating for yourself. And I should say I have other episodes. It's probably beyond the scope of today, just timing wise, but I do have other episodes on the how of building self worth. If that's something that you're more interested in diving into, you should be able to search that relatively easily and pull up those old episodes that give you a bit more of a roadmap on how you can start building self worth. I also have a free guided meditation on my website on building self worth, I should say. So you can go cheque that out. And of course, if you really want to go all in on this whole self worth thing, the secure self challenge will be starting in about a month, but the early bird pricing is available for the next week.
[00:16:38]:
So definitely go cheque it out if you're interested. If what I've shared today has resonated for you, as I said, my intention is for it to be a really fun, light hearted, enjoyable program for you to connect with each other, connect with me. So looking forward to that and looking forward to seeing hopefully lots of you in there. So thank you so much for joining me. I hope today's episode has given you something to think about. It's been helpful for you and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:17:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, comparison, insecurity, self-worth, self-confidence, anxiety, worthiness, jealousy, fear of abandonment, social anxiety, self-esteem, self-worth building, thriving relationships, people pleasing, performance, connection, personal development, emotional well-being, self-improvement, overcoming insecurity, guided meditation, attachment style, socialising, relationship coach, early bird pricing, pop up community, live calls, secure self challenge.