#136 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style (Part 2)
This episode is part two of a two-part series on 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. I'm going to be running through some of the less obvious expressions of the anxious attachment style, as well as the underlying drivers of these patterns.
If a recent episode of “On Attachment” left you nodding along and feeling seen, you're not alone. As we continue to explore the intricate web of anxious attachment traits, it’s clear that understanding our relational patterns and dynamics isn't a one-size-fits-all pursuit. Join us as we delve deeper into traits 11 to 20, providing insights and guidance to shine a light on our attachment styles and embark on a journey towards healthier, thriving relationships.
Trait 11: The Breakup Conundrum
For those with anxious attachment patterns, navigating breakups and endings can be an excruciating process. While recognising when a relationship needs to end, the emotional entanglement and the process of disengaging from a loved one can be especially distressing. If you find yourself ruminating and struggling with the emotional fallout of a breakup for an extended period, you're not alone. Recognising and navigating the impact of endings is an essential part of healing anxious attachment.
Trait 12: Relationship Strain Overload
When something goes awry in a relationship, it can feel all-consuming for individuals with anxious attachment tendencies. Unlike their avoidant counterparts who can compartmentalise emotions, the anxious partner may find it challenging to see beyond the perceived relationship problems. This trait sheds light on the need for balance and understanding within the relationship dynamic—a journey towards finding a middle ground where emotions and space coexist harmoniously.
Trait 13: The Struggle with Receiving Support
The yearning for support and reciprocity, coupled with a struggle to receive it, often characterises individuals with anxious attachment patterns. Recognising the vulnerability of receiving support and understanding that it's not a sign of weakness can be a crucial step in fostering healthier relationships. Finding that balance between giving and receiving, without feeling unworthy or being overwhelmed, is key to nurturing a fulfilling partnership.
Trait 14: Infatuation at Lightning Speed
The tendency to become infatuated and attached to new people swiftly within early dating stages is a common trait for those with anxious attachment styles. These patterns can also manifest as experiencing crushes while already in a relationship. Understanding and navigating the impulse to create intense emotional connections quickly is essential for fostering stable and balanced relationships.
Trait 15: Privacy vs. Secrecy Dilemma
Distinguishing between healthy privacy and unhealthy secrecy is a regular challenge for individuals with anxious attachment patterns. Fear of the unknown and a tendency to feel threatened by a partner's privacy can lead to difficulties in creating and respecting personal boundaries. Recognising and addressing this fear is essential for establishing trust and promoting emotional stability within the relationship.
Trait 16: Hyperattunement to Partner's Moods
Being hyperattuned to subtle shifts in a partner's mood or energy can be both a blessing and a curse. While this heightened sensitivity nurtures empathy and emotional connection, it can also lead to catastrophic interpretations and spiralling distress. Learning to differentiate between accurate perception and catastrophic meaning-making is essential for maintaining emotional equilibrium within the relationship.
Trait 17: Fear of Abandonment
A pervasive fear of a partner leaving for someone ‘better’ is a common struggle for those with anxious attachment patterns. The intersection of jealousy, low self-worth, and comparison often fuels this fear. Addressing and untangling these emotions is a vital step toward fostering greater inner security and trust within relationships.
Trait 18: The Need for Constant Togetherness
Individuals with anxious attachment patterns often struggle with their partners' time devoted to other relationships or personal pursuits. Recognising the value of personal space and understanding that healthy relationships can coexist with individual pursuits is crucial for promoting emotional autonomy and trust within a partnership.
Trait 19: Adverse Attraction to Unhealthy Patterns
A subconscious attraction to inconsistent and unavailable partners is a common struggle for those with anxious attachment styles. Embracing stability and security within relationships may initially feel unexciting, yet recognising and recalibrating these attraction patterns is a crucial step in fostering sustainable and fulfilling partnerships.
Trait 20: The Quest for Love Through Self-Change
The tendency to believe that changing oneself will elicit more love from a partner is a hallmark trait among those with anxious attachment patterns. Understanding that true love and connection should stem from authenticity and mutual acceptance is a pivotal step in breaking free from codependent dynamics and fostering relationships based on genuine connection and trust.
As we unpack these traits, it's essential to remember that the journey towards understanding and navigating attachment styles is deeply personal and often non-linear. While these traits shed light on common patterns, the healing and growth process is unique for each individual. Recognising these traits is the first step toward fostering self-awareness, understanding relational dynamics, and embarking on a journey towards healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
The intricate tapestry of anxious attachment patterns offers an opportunity for introspection, growth, and transformation—a journey that, when navigated with compassion and self-awareness, leads to profound personal and relational healing.
Join us as we continue to explore the nuanced landscape of attachment, relationships, and self-discovery, opening doors to a deeper understanding of ourselves and the connections we foster.
Remember, understanding and navigating attachment styles is a continual process—one that lays the foundation for authentic, thriving, and emotionally fulfilling relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself experiencing difficulty with breakups or other endings in your relationships? How has this impacted your healing process, and what strategies have you used to navigate these challenges?
In what ways do you see yourself being consumed by perceived problems in your relationships? How does this affect your ability to see the positives during difficult times?
Reflect on your experiences with receiving support. Do you struggle to accept support from others? What emotions or reactions come up for you when someone offers you support, and what do you think might be driving these reactions?
Have you ever found yourself becoming infatuated with new people very quickly? How has this tendency impacted your approach to dating or maintaining a relationship? Reflect on any instances where this has led to challenges in your relationships.
Consider your feelings towards privacy and secrecy in relationships. Do you struggle to distinguish between healthy privacy and unhealthy secrecy? How has this impacted your past relationships or your current relationship dynamics?
In what ways are you hyperattuned to subtle changes in your partner's mood or energy? How do you manage the different interpretations you make based on these observations, and how does this affect your relationship dynamics?
Have you ever caught yourself fearing that your partner might leave you for someone better? How does this fear manifest in your thoughts or actions, and what strategies have you used to address these anxieties in your relationships?
Reflect on any experiences where you felt rejected if your partner devoted time to other relationships or areas of life. How did you navigate these feelings, and what insights did you gain from those experiences?
Do you find yourself being drawn to partners who exhibit inconsistency and unavailability? How has this preference impacted your past relationships, and what steps could you take to recalibrate your approach to attraction and stability in relationships?
Consider the belief that changing yourself will make your partner love you more. Have you ever felt this way in a relationship? How has this belief influenced your behavior, and what steps can you take to cultivate healthier perceptions of love and self-worth?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my new course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Today's episode is part 2 of the episode that I released a couple of days ago, which was titled 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. So I'm running through some less obvious, I would say, traits of the anxious attachment style, hopefully going a little deeper than your average listicle. What I will say before I dive in is that this is not an exhaustive list, and it's also, not sequential. You don't have to have listened to the previous episode as a prerequisite to being able to make sense of this episode, But if you're interested, you can absolutely go back and listen to the other one as well to give you the fuller picture. So just before I dive into traits 11 to 20 of the 20 traits that I'm gonna run through, I just wanted to remind you that healing anxious attachment, my signature program, opens up in a few days' time. If you're on the wait list, amazing.
[00:01:26]:
I think there are about 1300 of you at the moment, which is just so cool. But if you're not on the wait list and you'd like to be, which just gives you first access, early bird pricing, and exclusive bonuses, which for the first time ever, the exclusive bonuses are gonna include all 4 of my other master classes. So building trust, sex and attachment, how to navigate anxious avoidant relationships, and better boundaries are all included as a bonus master class bundle with the early bird price of healing anxious attachment. So really, really good value. If you are interested, just pop yourself on the wait list so that you have the option. You can do that via my website or the link in the show notes. Hopefully, that's all pretty straightforward. Okay.
[00:02:11]:
So trait number 11, continuing on from the first ten that we covered in the previous episode a couple of days ago, is you have a really, really hard time with breakups and other endings. So I've spoken about this on the podcast many times. There's an episode from a while back titled 5 Reasons That Anxiously Attached People Struggle With Breakups, so you can obviously do a deep dive into that if you're interested. But for anxiously attached people, for all of the reasons that we've talked about, because the relationship is such a source of safety, a breakup tends to be very, very destabilizing and disorienting, and that's true no matter how much you might know that a relationship needs to end, no matter how dysfunctional or unhealthy, no matter how unhappy you were, going through that process of emotional disentanglement from someone that you love and that you are attached to is particularly excruciating, when you have anxious attachment patterns. So breakups are likely to really throw you, and your recovery time, if we want to call it that, is likely to be longer than someone with more avoidant patterns or even someone with more of a secure attachment. You're likely to really be in that process for a decent amount of time, and you're doing a lot of ruminating and thinking and, you know, wondering whether it was the right thing and wanting to reach out to your ex and still feeling very attached to them. So that's very normal if you're someone with an anxious attachment style. I'll just quickly say I I also had in this one you have a hard time with other endings as well, because I think it's kind of a not really as front and center as something like breakups, but you might also struggle, like, letting go of a job, like, walking away from something, or you might just have a level of emotionality or sentimentality around goodbyes and separation.
[00:04:08]:
Again, going back to that thing of separation anxiety or, you know, just having a lot of emotion around parting ways, so that could extend beyond, you know, just breakups. Number 12 is you can't help but be consumed by the perceived problems in your relationship. So for anxiously attached people, when something's wrong with the relationship, it really does feel all consuming, and it's likely all that you can think and talk about. So this is by contrast with if you have, for example, a more avoidant leaning partner, they're probably quite adept at compartmentalizing. So you could have a big fight, and then they could kind of switch gears and go off to work and have a totally normal day, and not have that be, you know, weighing down on them. I used to have this dynamic in a previous relationship where, you know, my ex partner was quite avoidant, and we'd be in the middle of an argument, and he would just say, I don't have time for this right now. I need to go like, I need to work. I need to do something.
[00:05:12]:
And it was always so challenging for me because I was so in the thick of it and so in my emotions that it was unfathomable to me that you could focus on anything else at a time like that. But for him, he was able to just switch it off, and, you know, if anything, I think I interpreted that at the time as, you know, him not caring, but it really is just a a different blueprint. But it can be very hard to relate to as someone with more anxious patterns that, you know, your partner could just kind of put things in separate boxes and function quite effectively even when things are not good in the relationship. It's likely that you don't have that same capacity to, you know, segment yourself internally. So it's likely that, you know, if the relationship is, you know, feeling really strained, that that's taking up most of your field of vision and most of your bandwidth, and and that's going to be really all consuming. The other aspect of that is that you probably struggle to see the good, at those times, in those, you know, seasons where the relationship know, the negativity of whatever is bothering you about the relationship. Know, the negativity of whatever is bothering you about the relationship. Okay.
[00:06:26]:
Number 13 is you yearn for support but struggle with receiving it. Now we sort of touched on this when talking about the overgiving and self sacrifice in the previous episode, but it's sort of a funny thing. Right? You can often resent being the giver, and you might complain about imbalances in the relationship. You might complain about that lack of reciprocity of, you know, I'm always the one doing this. You know, I am always giving more. I am always thinking about you. I'm always in the caring role, and you never do that for me. And there is this yearning for support, but you do tend to struggle to receive that support if you're more anxiously attached, and you cannot really know what to do with it if suddenly someone showed up and was really ready and willing to support you and asked, you know, how can I support you? You might find yourself a little frozen, not really knowing what to do because you're so unaccustomed to being in that seat of receiving.
[00:07:25]:
So I think there's some work to do for most of us around recognizing the vulnerability of receiving, because it is, for for a lot of us, much more vulnerable to be, you know, to kind of have the spotlight on us and have, you know, us be cared for and have our needs being really recognized and paid attention to, if you're not used to that, then that can feel really edgy in and of itself. So, there's there's definitely some work there around, you know, feeling worthy of the support that you crave and really allowing yourself to take that in. Okay. Number 14 is you become infatuated and attach to new people very quickly. So in early dating, you find yourself going from 0 to a100 at lightning speed, quickly becoming attached to someone before you really know them, which can also apply to crushes while in a relationship. Now I've touched on, you know, jealousy elsewhere, and, you know, there will be a couple of points in, you know, this episode where I'm touching on those dynamics, and I actually think that part of the anxiously attached person's struggle with jealousy stems from their own tendency to become infatuated and attached and develop crushes very quickly. So if you can, you know, see someone at the coffee shop or the gym and suddenly create this whole fantasy in your mind about, you know, being totally obsessed with them, and, you know, you can't stop thinking about them, and you start planning your, you know, days around whether you might run into them or whatever, it can be easy to project and assume that your partner's doing the same thing, and so feel very insecure and jealous around what they're doing and who they're seeing. So I think that this tendency that people with strong anxious attachment patterns have to really, you know, latch on and and become, you know, kind of in that fantasy world of imagining, you know, a whole life with someone or becoming very consumed by this idea of a connection that doesn't really exist, that is certainly an anxious attachment thing, whether it's, you know, in a relationship or outside of 1 in in a dating context.
[00:09:39]:
Yeah. You're definitely not alone if you've experienced that. Okay. Number 15 is you struggle with trust and feel threatened by your partner's privacy. So I've done an episode before on, you know, the difference between privacy and secrecy, and for anxiously attached people, it feel like there is no difference between privacy and secrecy, that, you know, if you are doing something and protecting your privacy, then that is tantamount to keeping secrets, and keeping secrets feels very dangerous. So, you know, anxiously attached people love certainty, and that element of the unknown that is involved in trusting someone can feel very, very risky and very, very vulnerable. So distinguishing between healthy privacy and unhealthy secrecy, it's almost like that. You know, if you've got nothing to hide, then why do you need privacy kind of mentality can be common among anxious people, and, you know, as you can imagine or maybe you've experienced, when that comes head to head with a more avoidant partner who very much values their privacy, and sees that as very important to their overall sense of self and autonomy, we can really easily clash there because the anxious person can become very suspicious of the avoidant person's attachment to privacy.
[00:10:58]:
And so, yeah, there's there's some work to do there around figuring out, like, what is a healthy boundary, because the the anxious partner's unlikely to have a baseline respect for privacy or understanding of why privacy is, like, valid or reasonable or important, because it is just likely to be seen as so threatening for them. Okay. Number 16, you are hyperattuned to subtle changes in your partner's mood or energy. So this is both a blessing and a curse. Right? This level of, you know, emotional being really emotionally tapped in, being able to really read the room and feel the energy and, you know, sense if there's a shift in someone's state, that's not a bad thing. Right? There's there's a level of, like, empathy and skill in that that allows you to really connect with people and allows people to feel really seen. The trouble is for anxiously attached people, we can kind of get carried away with the interpretation of what we are then perceiving. So you might notice there's a shift, and that might be accurate, that there has been a shift in the energy or the mood, but then the meaning making tends to be catastrophic.
[00:12:14]:
Right? So it's, okay, like, my partner's gone a bit quiet. That might just be because they're tired. It's quite innocuous, but for the anxiously attached person, it's likely to be, there's something wrong. They're angry at me. They're upset. Something's happened. And so it's that interpretation, that meaning making step where anxiously attached people tend to lead themselves astray and go into those spirals and then, you know, become quite distressed by it and feel the need to probe or problem solve or fix, you know, pester their partner, what's wrong? No. Tell me what's wrong.
[00:12:49]:
I can tell there's something wrong, that sort of pattern. So it's important to to recognize that within yourself and try and find some boundaries around, not taking those interpretations to the extreme, when you don't really have, not only the evidence to support it, but when it doesn't really need to be a problem that you have to solve urgently, even though that's how it can feel. Okay. Number 17, you fear your partner leaving you for someone better. So, you know, this is interwoven with so many of the other themes that we've talked about, jealousy, low self worth, comparison, fear of abandonment, you know, this general sense of the relationship is always on a knife's edge, and there's always these looming, lurking threats, and so I need to, you know, be protecting against that. And one of the obvious threats is outsiders. So, you know, whether that's I think I touched on, you know, like colleagues or exes or friends or just other people, really, this sense of they're gonna leave me, and it's gonna be for someone better, and I need to then, like, try and, you know, make myself better so that that doesn't happen, or, you know, try and dampen down parts of myself that I consider to be flaws or unacceptable or unlovable so that my partner doesn't leave me for someone else who doesn't have those same things. So, that's very much a lingering fear for anxiously attached people is that given the chance, their partner will leave them for someone else or someone better, so to speak.
[00:14:27]:
Okay. Number 18 is you feel rejected if your partner devotes time to other relationships or areas of life. Anxiously attached people will very happily devote the vast majority of their time and energy to their partner in their relationship. That is a very comfortable default position, and often, you know, you'll be quite happy to turn down other invitations so as to prioritize time spent with your partner, or even just to make yourself available on the off chance that your partner wants to spend time with you or someone that you're dating even. So there can be this, you know, like, difficulty understanding why your partner wouldn't wanna do the same. Why wouldn't they wanna spend every waking moment with you? If you loved me, that's what you would want. Right? So because of that, it's easy for people with anxious patterns to feel hurt or rejected if their partner wants to do things separately. So if they wanna catch up with friends and they just wanna have that time with their friends and not with you, whereas your preference might be either to spend time with them or spend time with other people and have them there as well.
[00:15:31]:
There might just not be a scenario in which you would prefer separation over togetherness, whereas, you know, for, I would say, certainly avoidant partners but also secure partners, they might have a very legitimate desire to actually just spend time, you know, in different areas of their life or, you know, devoting time to hobbies or coworkers or something, that doesn't involve you and having a level of space around that. And that can feel like in a bit of an affront, or, again, it's almost like the the privacy thing. It can feel suspicious to someone with more anxious patterns. So, recognizing that that can be a perfectly normal and healthy thing for partners to want, and it's not something that you need to necessarily take personally and make a lot of meaning out of. Okay. Number 19 is you find healthy, consistent, and available would be partners boring. So I talked before on the show about this subconscious drive towards people who are really good at at lighting up all of those triggers, all of those, you know, old pathways within you around working really hard for someone's attention or you're finding that inconsistency to be quite exhilarating and addictive even though it's causing you a lot of stress. For a lot of anxiously in touch people, you know, I hear this so much is, like, the the healthy people, people who are available, who are interested in me, who show that interest, you know, in a sustained way, It doesn't do anything for me.
[00:17:09]:
It doesn't light me up. I don't feel excited to talk to them or go on dates with them, It just you know, I'm only attracted to the people who don't give me that, who, you know, leave me guessing or make me work for it. And so I think that that is you know, it's a big part of just having, you know, programming around what love looks and feels like, and when we've developed a lot of strategies around all of those things, working really hard, needing to prove ourselves, needing to prove our worth, when that's what we're accustomed to, then that's kind of what we feel most comfortable with when we're in that familiar zone. So there can be a certain recalibration that needs to happen, for you to, you know, know how to be in relationship with someone who doesn't take you on that rollercoaster ride and still, you know, learn to get a lot out of that and to appreciate the stability and appreciate the security, and the sense of peace and calm that comes with that rather than being addicted to the chaos of, you know, unavailability and inconsistency. Okay. And last but not least, you believe that changing yourself will make your partner love you more. So this is very much kind of at the heart of, you know, codependency. Not that codependency and anxious attachment are the same thing, but I think in the Venn diagram, there'd be a good degree of overlap, between anxiously attached people and people who find themselves in codependent patterns in their relationship.
[00:18:46]:
So this sense of whatever problems I perceive as existing in the relationship or in my partner, whatever behaviors of theirs I see as being an issue or I wanna change, there's a part of me that thinks that if I can change myself, then that will change them and the way they are towards me. So, you know, really just assigning so much responsibility to ourselves to make everything better, and, you know, if I change the way I look or the way that I dress or the way I act or, you know, the things I say or don't say, then all of these things that I want will become available, then they'll show up for me, then they'll be loving towards me, then, you know, they won't lie to me anymore or whatever the things might be. Right? Obviously, there's a huge spectrum of of how that could play out, and, you know, some are obviously on more extreme ends of the spectrum in terms of really unhealthy dysfunctional dynamics. But this sense of, like, if I can just train myself, then that will change you or that will change our relationship for the better, And, obviously, that can lead you down a rabbit hole of endless, you know, shape shifting, people pleasing, performing, striving, trying to earn love, and trying to change yourself to elicit some sort of outcome, with the obvious consequence that you end up really not knowing who you are, and not having a clear sense of that and and having pretty, you know, decimated self worth as a result. So, you know, all in the hopes that that's gonna make you feel worthy and deserving of love. And, you know, spoiler alert, oftentimes, most of the time, I would say that doesn't work, and then you feel unworthy and undeserving of love because despite your best efforts, despite having tried so hard, it still didn't work, and so that can actually reinforce all of those feelings that drove you to those behaviors in the first place. So that can be a really, really painful dynamic, and, you know, it's one that I've certainly played into in the past and very glad to say, you know, mostly it doesn't doesn't really come up for me anymore, but, you know, if that's something that you relate to, know that it's really, really, unfortunately, common among folks with anxious attachment and is a big part of why building self worth and, you know, a stronger connection to yourself is such a big part of that healing journey. Okay.
[00:21:25]:
That was part 2. That was 11 to 20 on the 20 traits list. I really hope that that was helpful for you. I hope that that's, you know, giving you some more insight into yourself, and your patterns and what drives them and that, you know, big web or tapestry that is anxious attachment because it is so much more than, you know, just listing out a couple of headline traits. We can see how all of those, you know, tendrils or branches, they all kind of connect in this big, you know, web of you know, it does really start to make sense when we can say, ah, yeah, that makes sense in the context of that, and, you know, that fear or that insecurity and that drives this behavior. You know, I think that having that context for ourselves really allows us to not only access more compassion, but, you know, more understanding and allows us to, in turn, be more proactive about, okay, like, I I don't have to feel overwhelmed by this in a really frozen abstract way of just, you know, there's something wrong with me, and I'm broken, and I'm bad at relationships, and I always do this, when we start to be able to fill in the blanks a little and and kind of flesh it out, give some color to that, I think that allows us to feel much more empowered to start making shifts in the right direction. So, as I said, I really hope that that's been helpful, and if these points resonated with you, if you're, you know, nodding along and and feeling very seen, then, as I said, I would love to see you inside healing anxious attachment when doors open in a few days' time. And do make sure to jump on the wait list if you wanna access that exclusive pricing and bonuses.
[00:23:03]:
So thanks, guys, so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next week.
[00:23:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie_ _rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, anxious attachment style, traits, insecurity, breakups, emotional disentanglement, avoidant patterns, secure attachment, healing program, trust, intimacy, boundaries, self-worth, privacy, jealousy, hyperattuned, fear of abandonment, codependency, self-compassion, self-discovery, self-improvement, self-love, compassion, communication, emotional intelligence, love, support, self-care
#135 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style (Part 1)
Today's episode is part one of a two-part series on 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. I'm going to be running through some of the less obvious expressions of the anxious attachment style, as well as the underlying drivers of these patterns.
Navigating Anxious Attachment: Understanding the 20 Traits (Part 1)
If someone asked you to list your most defining traits or characteristics, would you immediately think of how they relate to your relationships? Many of us might be surprised by how much our attachment style shapes the way we experience the world around us. In the latest episode of "On Attachment," we took a deep dive into the anxious attachment style and explored its 20 key traits.
Tethering Our Sense of Worth to Relationships
One of the key traits of the anxious attachment style is the tendency to tether our sense of worth and well-being to the status of our relationships. If things feel off in our relationships, it can feel like our whole world is crumbling. Our identity becomes closely intertwined with the state of our connections, making it hard to separate how we feel about ourselves from how we feel about our relationships.
Struggles with Separation Anxiety and Catastrophising
Anxious attachment often leads to struggles with separation anxiety. Even a moment of physical distance or being unable to reach our partners through communication can trigger overwhelming anxiety. A missed phone call might instantly lead to worst-case scenarios, causing significant distress.
Difficulty Believing in Our Own Value
Low self-worth is another common trait of anxious attachment. We often struggle to believe that our partners truly love and value us, especially when we don't see that value within ourselves. This lack of self-worth can give rise to deep-seated fears of abandonment and can significantly impact our relationships.
Comparison and Jealousy
Those with anxious attachment often find themselves easily threatened by others and comparing themselves to others. This jealousy and constant comparison are rooted in a deep-seated fear of not being enough, and this can lead to obsessively comparing ourselves to others and feeling threatened by potential "rivals."
Struggles with Needs and Boundaries
Boundaries and needs can become muddied for those with anxious attachment. Understanding our own needs and setting boundaries can be challenging, and even when we manage to voice them, the fear of being perceived as too much or unworthy of having needs can hold us back. Maintaining these boundaries can be equally difficult, often leading to self-judgment and shame when we struggle to uphold them.
The Struggle to Leave Unfulfilling Relationships
For those with anxious attachment, the idea of walking away from a relationship, even if it isn't working, can feel foreign. Overstaying in relationships that aren't meeting our needs becomes a common trend, as the fear of separation and the desire to fix the relationship from within dominate our decision-making.
The "Savior Complex" and Emotional Fixing
Many individuals with anxious attachment tend to be drawn to partners who need "fixing." This savior complex often stems from a desire to prove our worth by helping others, but it can also lead to imbalanced dynamics in relationships and prevent us from seeing partners as equals rather than projects.
Struggling to Define Our Identity Outside of Relationships
Finally, those with anxious attachment may struggle to define their identities outside of their relationships. Our entire sense of self can become entwined with our relational roles, making the concept of being outside a relationship daunting and unfamiliar.
The Need for Reassurance and Difficulty Believing It
Seeking regular reassurance from our partners is a common trait, but even when reassured, many of us struggle to believe it. This constant craving for external validation and difficulty internalising reassurance can put a strain on relationships and make it harder for us to manage our insecurities.
Relationships and the way we form and maintain connections with others are integral to our overall well-being and sense of self. These traits of anxious attachment, while challenging, can provide valuable insights into our inner workings and offer meaningful opportunities for growth and healing. In Part 2 of this series, we'll explore the remaining 10 traits of anxious attachment and delve deeper into how we can navigate these traits to build healthier, more secure relationships.
Understanding and recognising these traits is an important first step in the journey towards creating a more secure attachment style and building fulfilling, thriving relationships. Keep an eye out for part 2, where we'll continue this exploration and delve into the remaining traits of anxious attachment.
If you’ve resonated with some or all of these traits and are seeking support and guidance on your journey towards a more secure attachment style, consider exploring resources like Healing Anxious Attachment. Recognising where we are and where we want to be is the first step towards creating more fulfilling, nurturing relationships – both with others and with ourselves.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find that your sense of worth and well-being is often tied to the status of your relationships? How does this impact your overall well-being and identity?
Reflect on times when separation anxiety has affected your relationships. How has this affected your behavior and thoughts, and what strategies have you used to manage this anxiety?
Have you struggled with believing that your partner truly loves and values you? How has this impacted your relationship dynamic and your own self-worth?
Discuss your experiences with feeling threatened by others and comparing yourself to them. How have these tendencies impacted your relationships and your self-esteem?
Share instances when you've found it challenging to identify and assert your own needs and boundaries in a relationship. How has this impacted your well-being and the dynamics of the relationship?
Have you ever found yourself staying in a relationship despite it not working? What fears or insecurities were driving this decision, and how did it impact your overall happiness?
Reflect on times when you've felt drawn to people who seemed to need "fixing." How do you think this reflects your own sense of self-worth and the role you play in relationships?
Do you feel you have a clear sense of your identity outside of a relationship? How has the lack of this sense impacted your overall happiness and well-being?
Think about your tendencies to overgive and self-sacrifice in relationships. How does this impact your own well-being and the dynamics of your relationships?
How do you feel about seeking reassurance from your partner? How do your expectations around reassurance impact your self-reliance and the dynamics of your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my new course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 20 traits of the anxious attachment style. Now, this is almost a throwback because one of the first ever episodes I did almost 2 years ago was 5 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. And I haven't really done anything so foundational about anxious attachment since then. Obviously, there's been a lot of other episodes about, you various aspects of the anxious attachment experience. But I thought to revisit this for anyone who is a new listener or anyone who is wondering whether anxious attachment is really them, or maybe, you know, that anxious attachment is very much your experience, but you're interested to know some of the less obvious expressions of that attachment style and pattern. So 20 traits of the anxious attachment style is, what we're gonna be talking about today.
[00:01:20]:
I've actually decided to split this across 2 episodes because I think I'll ramble on for far too long if I'm trying to cover 20 in one episode. So this is part 1 of 20 traits of the anxious attachment style, and part 2 will follow in a couple of days' time. So before we dive into today's episode, a quick reminder that Healing Anxious Attachment, which is my signature program, is relaunching in less than a week's time for the 7th round, which is pretty amazing. I first launched it 2 years ago, almost to the day, actually. And it has really grown into something greater than what I could ever have imagined, since that first launch. Over 1500 students have been through this program, and it really is not only tried and tested, but received such beautiful feedback and it's something that I've poured, you know, so much of myself into, trying to distill down everything that I've learned and everything that I have been teaching to people around anxious attachment and the journey to becoming more secure within yourself and within your relationship. So it's a very comprehensive program. I would love to see you in there.
[00:02:28]:
It's the last round that I'm going to be running before I head off on maternity leave. So if you are interested in joining when doors open next week, you can jump on the wait list. Being on the wait list means that you get exclusive access to early bird pricing and also exclusive bonuses. So it's definitely worth doing, even if you don't end up joining. Give yourself the option if you're at all interested, and you can do that via the link in the show notes. Okay. So let's dive into these first 10 of 20 traits of the anxious attachment style. Now I should say, these are, you know, I sat down to prepare for this to write this out and it's very much off the top of my head.
[00:03:08]:
So this is not an exhaustive list. It's not a textbook list. These are things that I'm pulling from not only my own experience, but obviously having worked with so many thousands of people on this and hearing so many other people's stories, I know that these traits that I'm about to share are almost universal among those with anxious attachment patterns. So, you know, in no particular order am I sharing these. It's not exhaustive. If If you don't relate to every single one, that doesn't mean anything much. I'm really just sharing these for the purposes of cultivating insight and self awareness. Okay.
[00:03:43]:
So the first one is your sense of worth and well-being is tethered to the status of your relationship. So for anxiously attached people, there can be this sense of, my identity, my sense of being okay or not in the world is directly reflective of what how I'm feeling about my relationship or what's going on there. So if things feel okay with us, then I feel okay. If things feel anything other than okay with us, I'm probably gonna be, you know, a mess. I'm gonna be really consumed by whatever I perceive to be the problems in my relationship. So there is this sense of, like, inextricable link between how I feel about life, about myself, and how I'm feeling about you and our relationship. And it can be very, very hard to separate those things because the relationship is so fundamental, so essential to our not only our identity, but our sense of safety. So that first one, your sense of worth and well-being is tethered to the status of your relationship.
[00:04:43]:
And I should say as a little footnote to that, it often means that, you know, you're particularly vulnerable or susceptible to disturbance, when things aren't perfect in your relationship. So, you know, whereas even secure people obviously are affected by what's going on in their relationship. It's not a purely anxious attachment trait to be, you know, bothered or saddened by things not feeling great in your relationship. For anxiously attached people, it's kind of any and every bump in the road feels disproportionately distressing, and it's very hard to compartmentalize or delineate between different areas of life. You know, if the relationship's bad, everything's bad. Okay. The next one is you struggle with separation anxiety and you catastrophise if you can't reach your partner. So physical proximity and connection tends to be very reassuring for anxiously attached people.
[00:05:36]:
There can be this sense of, you know, if you're right here and next to me, I can see you and I can feel you, then I know that everything's okay. But as soon as I lose that, you know, having you next to me and knowing, that that little bit of uncertainty, that little bit of distance, that little bit of unknown, all of my anxiety fills that space. And I can go very quickly into feeling insecure, and particularly so if I can't reach you. So it might be one thing if, you know, your partner goes to the shops or, you know, goes to work or whatever and you know where they are. That might be okay. That might not be so triggering for you. But if you then call them and they don't answer, and then maybe you call a second time and they don't answer, it's likely that you're gonna go very quickly to a worst case scenario of either they're hiding something from me, they're avoiding me, or something terrible has happened to them. So we can recognize that separation anxiety is a big piece for anxious attachment, and that particularly in circumstances where you are unable to reach them or you feel like you can't reach them, that's likely to very quickly activate you, send you into dysregulation, and, you know, a lot of kind of anxious thoughts and feelings and and behaviors are likely to flow from that place.
[00:06:55]:
Okay. The next one is you struggle to believe that your partner really loves and values you. So this is really sad, really, when we think about it. But anxiously attached people do tend to harbor fairly low self worth. And so I can really struggle to feel an intrinsic sense of value, a sense that, you know, I I believe that my partner loves me. I believe that my partner cares about me. I believe that they see my value. When we don't see that for ourselves, it's very hard to believe that our partner sees that in us.
[00:07:26]:
And, you know, that's why such a big piece of the healing work for anxious attachment is building up our sense of self worth so that we don't put our partners on a pedestal and put ourselves, you know, down very low relative to them, because that tends to, I think, both be fueled by the fear of abandonment, but also, in turn, add fuel to that fire. Because we think that we are, you know, lacking in value or worth, then we are much more likely to fear abandonment, because we don't see why our partner would want to be with us. And that can lead to a whole host of other behaviors, thoughts, insecurities, as you can imagine, when we don't really trust that our partner wants to be with us and and really does value us and the relationship. Okay. Number 4 is kind of related to number 3, which is you feel easily threatened by others and compare yourself to others. So here we're talking about jealousy, outside threats to the relationship, and comparison, really, really common among people with anxious attachment. And again, it's related to that same seed of low self worth, this sense of, if I don't really see my value, then I'm very easily threatened by any and every one or thing outside of the relationship that I perceive as potentially taking you away from me or competing with me in some way. So there can be an almost obsessive tendency to compare ourselves, to scrutinize, to be on the lookout for danger, so to speak.
[00:08:59]:
You know, that might be colleagues or exes or friends of your partner. You see them all as very threatening, and you, you know, go through comparisons of how you stack up relative to them. And that might feel like something that you have to do, or you might have to, you know, change yourself, improve yourself, relative to them, try and emulate them so that you feel less threatened by them. You feel like they're less likely to know, pose a threat to the relationship, to take your partner away from you, that your partner's gonna, you know, fall in love with them and leave you. So we can see those same, you know, threads of fear of abandonment and jealousy and low self worth, are all interwoven into that one as well. Okay. The next one is you have a hard time with needs and boundaries. So anxiously attached people tend to struggle with needs and boundaries almost at every step of the way.
[00:09:53]:
So knowing what their needs and boundaries are, so actually identifying that. Oftentimes, we're so divorced from our own needs, our own boundaries. We just have learned to not really have needs or boundaries, or, you know, have kind of numbed ourselves to those because we're so accustomed to, you know, going with other people's needs or boundaries, deferring to other people's needs and boundaries and comfort and happiness, that we've actually convinced ourselves that we don't have any needs or boundaries outside of our partners, for example. You know, if they're happy, I'm happy. As long as their needs are taken care of and everything seems fine, then that's all I need. Of course, that's not true, but it can feel really true, and it can mean that we have a hard time actually knowing what our needs are separate from the needs of our partner. So there's this process of, you know, figuring out what our needs and boundaries are. What am I comfortable with? What do I need? What's important to me in a relationship? The next one next step being kind of voicing those needs and boundaries to a partner, which can be really intimidating.
[00:10:58]:
Again, that fear of abandonment, fear of being too much, fear of I'm not worthy or deserving of having needs. And I'm worried that if I take up too much space or if I voice a need, then I'll be perceived as difficult, and someone will leave me. All of those things can really challenge us when it comes to actually taking that step of voicing our needs and boundaries. And then I think the third piece here is following through on advocating for those needs and boundaries, on an ongoing basis or in the face of pushback. So one of the things that I hear from people all the time is that they judge themselves very harshly, and they feel a lot of shame about not upholding their boundaries. So they might, you know, state a boundary or they might voice something, advocate for themselves. But when it comes down to it, if that that need or that boundary is in competition with their relationship or their connection, then the connection will win out and they'll kind of collapse on their boundary just to hold on to the relationship. And, you know, that process of actually holding firm on something that you say is really vitally important to you in a relationship, is, you know, a big part of the growth as well and can be very challenging for many, most, I would say, anxiously attached people.
[00:12:16]:
Okay. The next one is you have a tendency to overstay in relationships that aren't working. Now I will put my hand up and say that I have been guilty of this more than once in my life. But it is a really, really common experience with anxious attachment. Again, because the primacy of connection is so, you know, it's so paramount to you to your sense of identity, safety, you know, just feeling okay in the world, it can be such a foreign concept to walk away from a relationship, even a relationship that's, like, clearly dysfunctional, not working, where you're not happy or your needs are not being met. You know, I often sort of jokingly say that for anxiously attached people, you could spend, like, you know, months or even years telling your partner how unhappy you are. But the idea of actually leaving seems, you know, like the absolute last resort. For anxiously attached people, the urge is you know, I I complain about the relationship.
[00:13:18]:
I I lament all of the things that are missing, but I do that because I wanna change it from the inside rather than walking away. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I think that willingness to work on a relationship can be a really beautiful sign of commitment, But I think it has its shadow side, which is, you know, perhaps overstaying when the right thing to do might be to walk away, when we're really not getting anywhere, when we really are not happy or fulfilled. And I think overstaying when the writing's on the wall, because we're too afraid of stepping out into the void of being separate from that relationship, I think that can be one of the big struggles of people with anxious attachment. The next one, which is number 7, for anyone who's keeping count, you have a savior complex and are drawn to people who need fixing. So many anxiously attached people have, I would say, yeah, a heightened sense of emotional attunement and are really good at, you know, being empathically connected to others and really understanding people's pain, which is such a beautiful trait. It really is. I think it's what makes anxiously attached people, great friends and great partners.
[00:14:38]:
It's probably what makes me good at my job. Being able to see people and understand them and and really tune into their feelings. The the underbelly of this, we might say the shadow side, can show up as this savior complex, this sense of, because I feel like that's a way I can show value or be valuable, you know, to support you emotionally, to see your pain, to hold your pain, that I gravitate towards people who I see as needing, saving, helping, or fixing. So can often find yourself dating someone with, you know, a lot of unresolved issues or who, you know, has a lot of pain. And again, that's not to say that, you know, you shouldn't date people like that. And I think we all have our, our stuff, our baggage that we're all working through. But I do think we need to be mindful of the extent to which we are taking someone on as a project and we are making it our mission to change them and you know, how that might be tied up with our own sense of worth this sense of, you know, they'll change for me. They've been this way in the past.
[00:15:54]:
They've always struggled with this thing, but once I, you know, am able to show them my love and care for them and support them, that's gonna be the thing that, you know, triggers their metamorphosis into something else. And I think that that can be coming from a place within us of low self worth, again, common thread, and of feeling like, you you know, if I can do that, then I will have really proved myself. And like, then I'll know that I'm valuable, that I'm worthy, and this person won't leave me because they'll be so indebted to me, for having saved them. So, you know, as I said, while there's some beautiful things in there and, you know, wanting to support someone's growth, beautiful. Wanting to support someone's healing, great. Taking it upon yourself to be someone's, like, coach or therapist or saviour? Not so great and can get us stuck in some pretty imbalanced dynamics. So the savior complex is one to look out for. Okay.
[00:16:56]:
Number 8 is you don't really know who you are outside of a relationship. So, again, we've touched on this, this sense of my whole identity is handed over to the relationship, everything that I do, everything that I like or dislike, my preferences, my hobbies, the way that I spend my time, I kind of give over all of myself to the relationship. And so the idea of being outside of a relationship, being single, or the relationship ending, is very daunting to me because I've not got a clear sense of who I am if I'm not, you know, part of this unit. And so I think a really big part of the growth for anxiously attached people for that reason is actually diversifying their time and energy away from the relationship, not to an extreme degree. Obviously, it's perfectly fine and normal to wanna, do things with your partner and have shared experiences. But when we put all of our eggs in that basket, we tend to, again, have a bit of an imbalance and it makes us really vulnerable to, you know, what our first point was, which is if anything feels like it's off in the relationship, then our whole life feels like it's crumbling because our whole life sits in that bucket of the relationship. Whereas if we've got, you know, more things propping up our life, more like legs propping up the table, then it's likely to be less vulnerable and wobbly, and we're likely to have more of a sense of resilience. Okay.
[00:18:24]:
Number 9 is you tend towards overgiving and excessive self sacrifice. So most anxiously attached people are givers. Right? And as much as we can complain, I think this is one of the ones where we have to be, like, so brutally honest with ourselves about ourselves, and I'll be the first to put my hand up. We can complain that, like, oh, I'm always the one giving or thinking about you or caring for you or supporting you. And yet we're not very good at asking for support or receiving it when it is given to us. Because I think receiving is actually a very, very vulnerable thing to do, particularly when you are accustomed to being the giver. So there can be this sense of giving and giving and giving either to make ourselves, you know, again, more valuable, more indispensable to someone. If I take care of you, if I attend to all of your needs, you know, if I do everything for you, then you won't want to live without me because I make your life so much easier.
[00:19:22]:
And if you don't want to live without me, then I'm not going to lose you. So there can be some comfort derived from that dynamic, even when we might complain about that dynamic and, you know, the lack of reciprocity that exists there. So being mindful of that, and if you notice that within yourself, again, like there's pieces to it. It's, do I need to pull back on my giving and do I need to practice like, asking and receiving, so that it feels like there's more mutuality and reciprocity in the relationship? Okay. And number 10 is you require a lot of reassurance from your partner, but you struggle to believe it. So anxiously attached people can often try and manage their fears and insecurities by seeking, you know, very regular ongoing reassurance from their partner. And while, you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking reassurance from time to time, there can be a sense of, like, there'll never be enough reassurance to really soothe that wound. If you're expecting your partner to make it all okay, you know, every time you're feeling insecure, every time you're feeling anxious, you're relying on your partner to make that feeling go away, and needing them to kind of talk you off the ledge.
[00:20:37]:
I don't know about you, but in my experience, that tends to be a very, very temporary fix. And it doesn't actually get to the heart of what is causing that insecurity to come up again and again and again. So while it can be a really beautiful thing in a relationship for a partner to participate in your healing by giving that reassurance, we do have to be mindful of our expectations around that and, what we're hoping our partner's gonna be able to do for us, and what their role is in our growth and healing, in terms of convincing us that everything's okay and that they love us even though, you know, nothing's really happened. We've just got these ongoing fears that are really rampant within us. So finding the balance there between, you know, what's my work to do? What's my stuff to tend to, and what's a kind of reasonable and healthy role for my partner to play in that, is a big part of the work as well. Okay. So that was points 1 to 10. I'm gonna pause there.
[00:21:42]:
And as I said, we'll have part 2, which is points 11 to 20, traits of the anxious attachment style. I'm gonna release that in a couple of days' time. So I hope that you really enjoyed this. I hope that it's, you know, dug a little deeper than just the, you know, typical listicles that you might see around traits of the anxious attachment style, giving a little more insight into, like, what sits underneath those and what drives them. And as I said, if you resonate with some or most of these or maybe all of them, definitely jump on the wait list for healing, anxious attachment. I would love to be able to support you as you work on these things, as you do some unlearning and some relearning of new ways. So definitely jump on the wait list if you're interested. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again in a few days' time with part 2.Thanks, guys.
[00:22:35]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie_ _rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, anxious attachment, relationship, insecurity, self awareness, traits, anxious attachment style, guidance, knowledge, practical tools, emotional needs, boundaries, separation anxiety, jealousy, saviour complex, overgiving, self-sacrifice, reassurance, identity, worth, well-being, emotional attunement, validation, maturation, self growth, value, anxiously attached, secure relationships, healing, emotional support, relationship coach