#163: How to Address a Partner’s Excessive Phone Usage
In this episode, we dive into the growing issue of phone usage and its impact on relationship satisfaction, especially when one partner feels neglected, ignored and frustrated by the other's screen time.
In this episode, we dive into the growing issue of phone usage and its impact on relationship satisfaction, especially when one partner feels neglected, ignored and frustrated by the other's screen time.
We explore why constant phone use can feel so personal, discuss strategies for approaching the topic constructively, and offer practical ways to set digital boundaries together. If you’re struggling with a partner’s phone habits, this episode will give you tools to foster more connection and understanding.
Addressing a Partner’s Excessive Phone Usage: Practical Tips for Healthier Relationships
In today’s digital age, phones have become an integral part of our lives. They keep us connected, organised, and entertained. However, their pervasive presence can also impact our relationships, often in ways we might not immediately realise. Understanding and addressing excessive phone usage within relationships is crucial for maintaining intimacy and connection.
Recognising the Impact of Phone Usage on Relationships
Phones have radically transformed how we communicate and spend our time, affecting our sense of presence and connection with our partners. It’s not uncommon to feel ignored or undervalued when a partner seems tethered to their device. Many individuals report feeling neglected, rejected, or even angry when their significant other is constantly on their phone. These feelings are significant, as they often touch on deeper attachment wounds, making it essential to address the issue thoughtfully.
For many, the primary concern isn’t just the amount of time spent on phones but also when and where that time is spent. This situational component can exacerbate feelings of disconnection, especially during moments that could otherwise be opportunities for meaningful interaction.
Cultivating Self-Awareness and Addressing Hypocrisy
Before addressing a partner’s phone usage, it’s vital to reflect on one’s own habits. Many people are quick to criticise their partner while justifying their own phone usage as necessary or less intrusive. This tendency, known as the fundamental attribution error, can create a double standard. By acknowledging that everyone, to some extent, struggles with phone dependency, it becomes easier to approach the conversation with compassion and understanding.
Self-awareness allows for a more balanced discussion, reducing the likelihood of defensiveness and facilitating a more constructive dialogue. It’s essential to remember that changing phone habits is challenging due to the addictive design of these devices. Therefore, approaching the conversation with a mindset of mutual improvement rather than blame can be more effective.
Starting the Conversation
When discussing phone usage with a partner, it’s important to frame the issue in terms of collective well-being. Instead of singling out one person’s behaviour, recognise that both parties can benefit from reduced screen time. Here are some tips to initiate this conversation:
Express Feelings, Not Accusations: Share how their phone usage affects you emotionally without making it a personal attack. For example, say, “I feel hurt and disconnected when we’re both on our phones during dinner,” rather than, “You’re always on your phone.”
Propose Joint Solutions: Suggest that you both work on reducing phone usage together. This can create a sense of teamwork and shared goals. For instance, discuss setting specific times or spaces where phones are off-limits.
Establishing Boundaries and Rituals
Creating clear, mutually agreed-upon boundaries can help mitigate the negative impacts of phone usage. Here are some practical boundaries to consider:
No Phones at Mealtimes: Meal times are perfect opportunities for connection and conversation. Making this time phone-free ensures that both partners are present and engaged.
Phone-Free Mornings and Evenings: Starting and ending the day without screens can significantly enhance connection. Consider setting a rule where the first and last 30 minutes of the day are phone-free, prioritising connection and relaxation.
Designated “Phone Breaks”: Rather than mindless scrolling throughout the day, agree on specific times where phone use is allowed and others when it's restricted. This can help build healthier habits and reduce unnecessary screen time.
Handling Resistance and Slip-Ups
Remember, changing phone habits is a gradual process. It’s common to encounter resistance or slip-ups, and how these moments are handled is crucial. Approach any breaches of agreed-upon rules with understanding rather than frustration. A gentle reminder or a shared laugh about the difficulty of breaking old habits can go a long way. The key is maintaining a supportive and patient attitude.
Leveraging Technology to Help
Interestingly, technology itself can offer solutions to its overuse. Various apps and built-in phone features can help monitor and limit screen time. Utilising these tools can provide tangible boundaries and remind both partners to stay committed to their goals. Setting up app usage limits or scheduled downtime where the phone locks certain apps can be effective strategies.
The Bigger Picture: Enhancing Relationship Quality
Addressing excessive phone usage isn’t just about reducing screen time; it’s about enhancing the overall quality of the relationship. By being more present and engaged, partners can foster deeper intimacy and connection. This conscious effort to prioritise each other over devices can lead to more meaningful interactions and a stronger bond.
It’s worth noting that while phone usage can be a significant issue, it often signifies larger underlying attachment needs and insecurities. Approaching the conversation with empathy and understanding can help address these deeper layers, leading to a more profound and lasting resolution.
Final Thoughts
In a world dominated by digital devices, it’s easy to let screens come between us and our loved ones. However, by recognising the impact of excessive phone usage and taking intentional steps to address it, couples can reclaim their time and connection. Establishing healthy boundaries, communicating openly, and supporting each other through the process can lead to a more fulfilling and connected relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself feeling neglected or unimportant when your partner uses their phone excessively? Reflect on past moments when this has happened and explore the emotions it brought up within you.
How often do you use your phone around your partner? Do you believe your usage differs significantly from theirs? How does this compare to your judgement of their usage?
Have you ever brought up the topic of phone usage with your partner? If so, how was the conversation received? If not, what holds you back from discussing it?
In what ways does excessive phone usage impact the quality of your presence and connection with your partner? Provide specific examples.
Reflect on your screen time and phone habits. Are there certain times of the day or activities that you believe should be more phone-free? How can you implement these changes?
In what scenarios do you feel it is most important to have undivided attention with your partner? How can you respectfully communicate this need to them?
How do your attachment patterns (anxious, avoidant, secure) influence your perception of your partner’s phone use? Do you interpret their behaviour through a lens of rejection or control?
Describe an ideal evening without phone interruptions. What activities or conversations would you like to share with your partner to enhance your intimacy and connection?
How can you and your partner work together to create mutually agreed-upon boundaries around phone usage? What steps can you take to ensure these boundaries are upheld with understanding and empathy?
What are some positive changes you’ve noticed when you or your partner have intentionally reduced phone usage? Reflect on these moments and consider how they can motivate ongoing efforts to be more present in your relationship.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about phones. And the role that phones play in our relationships, in shaping our experience of being in relationship, our relationship satisfaction, our sense of intimacy and connection with our partners. Now obviously, this is a really big topic, and it's one that probably doesn't get spoken about enough, given the absolute centrality of phones to our modern lives. As I was preparing for this episode and reflecting that probably even 10 years ago, it wasn't anywhere near what it is now in terms of the level of dependence that we all experience on our phones, on our devices, how ubiquitous these things are that we are absolutely tethered to. It's rare that your phone is more than a meter or 2 away, and if you've ever done the scary but illuminating thing of looking in your screen time data at the number of times you pick up your phone in an hour or in a day. I mean, it's pretty scary stuff.
[00:01:30]:
And I think that given phones are you know, they've not only changed the way that we communicate, and therefore have an impact on our relationships because obviously communication is a big part of that, But I actually think because they've changed so much, just the way that we spend our time on a moment to moment basis in intimate relationship, because so much of that time is together and, you know, that's how we connect with our partner, It's really detracted, I think, from the quality of our presence and connection in many cases. And so it's had really far reaching impacts on all of those things to do with how we experience our relationships and our level of satisfaction there. So there's a lot to unpack in today's episode. I asked my Instagram audience a bunch of questions and did a few polls in anticipation of this episode, and so I'm going to be sharing the results of some of those. And I'm also going to be, you know, offering some thoughts on ways that you might broach this conversation with a partner if you've maybe not had success in doing that, or you haven't quite mustered up the courage to bring this up, but it's something that's been really bothering you. Some ways that you might be able to tackle this issue of phones and over usage, compulsive use, unintentional usage in your relationships if you feel like it is having a negative impact, and your heart brings some, you know, negative feelings around it, which as we'll come to. Surveying my audience, there are a lot of people who are feeling really, you know, hurt, rejected, angry, alone, discarded, ignored. Those are some of the words that came up a lot, and obviously, that is not what we want to be feeling in our relationship.
[00:03:07]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, I am so excited to share a really big announcement. You might have heard me share over the past couple of weeks that something exciting was coming, and today is the day. I'm really, really delighted to share that I am launching a brand new membership community called On Attachment Insiders. So if you are a podcast listener and you love tuning in every week or every so often, on Attachment Insiders is a members only community where you can get more of what you get here alongside community connection, live q and a calls with me, an extensive resource library of all sorts of things ranging from video lessons to scripts to q and a. There's so much there already, and doors have only just opened in the last 24 hours. So it's going to be a growing library of resources, and as I said, a growing community of like minded people who are walking the same path as you, have the same interests as you, who absolutely know what your experience is like, and can empathize and offer solidarity and advice. And of course, I will be in there as well to share thoughts, wisdom, feedback as needed.
[00:04:22]:
And perhaps the best part is that it is super affordable. It starts from just 10 US dollars a month, so by far and away my most affordable offering, and so it's really exceptional value. There are 2 membership tiers, a starter tier and a premium tier. The premium tier is 25 US dollars a month. So depending on, you know, what type of experience you're looking for, how much live interaction you're looking for, or perhaps you're more looking to do self study stuff and going through resources in your own time, only 50 spots will be offered at that founder's rate, after which the prices will be increasing slightly. So if you're interested in joining the On Attachment Insiders membership, which has launched today, head to onattachment.com/insiders. All of that is linked in the show notes.
[00:05:10]:
I'm really, really excited and look forward to seeing as many of you as possible there. I think it's going to be a really, really beautiful space and I'm so, so excited. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around phone usage in relationships. So I think it's really important to state the obvious at the outset, which is that we are all a little bit addicted to our phones. I think it's really easy to notice our partner's phone usage and fixate on our partner's phone usage, obviously, because it can bring up these feelings of feeling deprioritized or rejected or, you know, ignored. But because we aren't feeling those things when we're on our phone, we are maybe blind to the extent to which we are guilty of the very same thing that we are criticizing our partner for or or resenting our partner for. So I think let's get that out in the open.
[00:05:59]:
Our phone usage, you know, as a society, as a world, is pretty bad. We all use our phones too much, and that is because that's what they're designed to do. Right? The phones themselves, the devices themselves, and all of the apps within them, social media, everything about it is designed to be addictive, and it's highly effective at creating that dependency. It really hijacks our dopamine circuits and keeps us tethered to these devices so much more than we realize. And I think it is compulsive. It's unconscious so much of the time. And so I think that recognizing that at the outset and going, okay. Yes.
[00:06:38]:
We're all guilty of this, can take a little bit of the heat out of the conversation. And as we'll come to, I think that's a very good thing to lead with in having any sort of conversation with your partner about this rather than making it a this is something that you do problem. Because I think unless you are the very, very rare person who isn't dependent on their phone, who really doesn't have an issue with this, it's likely that you're guilty of it too. So with that being said, I wanted to turn to these survey responses. Picking up my phone now, ironically enough. Turn to these survey responses that I put out on Instagram. So I asked people, do you feel that your partner is on your phone too much? And 79% of people said yes, and 21% of people said no. The next question that I asked people was how often do you argue about or feel bothered by phone usage in your relationship? And that was 76% of people said either all the time or sometimes.
[00:07:33]:
And then 24% of people said hardly ever. So 76% of people are saying that either all the time or sometimes, they are feeling bothered by or arguing about phone usage in their relationships. That's pretty significant when you think about it. So I then asked people to finish this sentence for me. I said, when my partner is on their phone around me, I feel And the answers that I got, I'm gonna start reading some of these for you. There are a lot of them, and they're mostly in the same vein. So we had unimportant, neglected, less important, neglected. Those are all different ones.
[00:08:07]:
You can see there's a lot of overlap. Ignored, disrespected, angry, annoyed, unimportant, lonely, frustrated, unimportant, lonely, rejected, worried about who they're talking to, ignored, unimportant, like they're not listening to me, distracted, ignored, ignored, undervalued, not important, disrespected, not listened to, like I'm not a priority, Devalued, unheard, ignored, neglected, deprioritised, invisible, dismissed, like shit. Ignored, angry, invisible, suspicious, undervalued, annoyed, alone, not as important. Unimportant, annoyed, neglected, unseen, anxious, less worthy, unvalued, unheard, second best. You get the point. Right? I can keep going, but there's a lot of answers in the same vein here. So that is a big problem. Let's just be very clear.
[00:08:59]:
For 76% of people to be feeling like that a lot of the time, that is a really big problem because all of that, all of those wounds that are coming up, all of those perceptions are arising from something that's very real. And if we don't have the tools to deal with that in a way that we can be constructive and actually have a conversation about it and bring some more intentionality to it, there's going to be a problem. A lot of these issues in our relationships are either going to turn into some sort of festering resentment, bickering, low grade conflict, or something much bigger. One of the responses that I didn't read out was someone saying, I am literally planning to end my relationship over this. So this is big stuff, and it makes sense because when we hear all of those things, those are, much of the time, they're attachment wounds. It's saying, you know, I don't feel seen. I don't feel cared for. I don't feel prioritised.
[00:09:53]:
I don't feel valued. I feel ignored. I feel dismissed. So even though on the surface it feels trivial, your partner sitting on the couch next to you scrolling their phone, not a huge deal. That's not like, wow, how could they do that? When it compounds over time and creates this overall relational environment and culture of you're not present with me, I don't feel valued, I don't feel like I'm important to you, that's a problem. Okay? Because that is touching something within you that is much deeper than phone usage, and so it's going to snowball into something much bigger than phone usage. Now, something that I did want to touch on in this conversation, I think it would be remiss of me not to, is the attachment dynamics here. Phone usage in relationship is not by no means something that is exclusive to anxious avoidant kind of dynamics.
[00:10:42]:
But as with many things, I think we could say it's probably exacerbated by it. And that relates to what I was just saying around those kind of wounds that are brought up when our partner is there and is maybe ignoring us, not paying attention to us on their phone. For someone with more anxious attachment patterns who is sensitive to any sort of perceived rejection, any sort of distance, feeling deprioritized, feeling unimportant, feeling like they're not valuable to their partner, feeling like they're generally not enough, it's likely that your partner is showing signs of disinterest in the form of scrolling their phone I say disinterest because that's how you're likely to perceive it that is really going to be received through the lens of your anxious attachment. Now I want to be very clear. I'm not suggesting that it is because of your anxious attachment that you have a problem with that behavior. As I said, this is not an attachment specific kind of dynamic or problem that we're facing with phone usage. I think it is absolutely ubiquitous, and I think people with more anxious attachment patterns are going to see it through that lens of rejection more often than not. I think someone with more avoidant patterns, on the other hand, who might be on the receiving end of the criticism around the phone usage, who likely has sensitivities around feeling controlled, monitored, like their partner always wants their full attention and they never get a break, they just want time to themselves, they just want to decompress, all of that kind of thing, an avoidant partner is probably more likely to use their phone to escape, to numb out, to try and maybe blow off some steam, so to speak.
[00:12:23]:
At the end of the day, they might just wanna sit on the couch and zone out for half an hour while scrolling on their phones. And to be told that they can't do that or they shouldn't be doing that or that that's selfish or rejecting or dismissive of them to be doing that, that might make them more defensive of the behavior and, you know, they're right and entitlement to engage in that behavior. So they might say invalidating things like, Oh, just give me a break. Like, Can you just leave me alone? I just walked in the door, and I just want to chill out for half an hour. And so if you're the partner who's feeling really hurt and dismissed by that behavior, and then you're met with a response that really minimizes the significance of it, and is sort of saying, this isn't a big deal. Get over it. I think that would be a very common inroad to anxious avoidant type conflict cycles that could really very quickly escalate from there. This sense of, you're not paying attention to me, and the response being, stop trying to control me, give me a break, and then so on and so forth from there.
[00:13:26]:
So I think that that is very much within the realms of possibility that you might wind up in that kind of thing if you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic. And the reason I say that is just to be mindful of the different angles from which you're approaching the issue, where you're coming from, and reminding yourself that if you are more anxious, that you do have those wounds. And again, that doesn't mean that you need to drop the issue and solve this problem by yourself or just suck it up. Absolutely not what I'm saying. More just to pause and tune in and go, okay, what am I experiencing? What am I telling myself? When have I felt this before? When else in my life have I felt unimportant or deprioritized or rejected or dismissed? And what is this bringing up for me? So that you are going into any conversation that you have around this with full awareness of what the significance is for you and why it stings in the way that it does. So another thing that I wanted to bring into the conversation here is what's called the fundamental attribution error. You might have heard of this term. It's basically this tendency that we all have, which is to if we make a mistake or we do something, we tend to attribute that to situational or contextual factors.
[00:14:40]:
Basically, we come up with an excuse as to why the thing that we did is actually fine, but if our partner did the exact same thing, we say that it's a function of their character. So let's take this out of the abstract and give an example. Something might be, you know, I left my towel on the floor, but the reason I did that is because I was carrying the baby to the other room, and I was in a hurry, and I was gonna come back and get it. And it's not because I'm lazy or thoughtless or inconsiderate. It's because there was some explanation for it. Whereas if my partner leaves a towel on the floor, it's because he's lazy and thoughtless and inconsiderate. Right? Another example might be if you're running late, it's because the traffic was really bad and all of these things outside of your control happened. It's not because you're unreliable, but if your friend is running late, then you're very quick to assume that they've done something because it is just who they are and they are flaky and, you know, unreliable, all of those things.
[00:15:33]:
So this tendency to find really valid reasoning, excuses, justifications for the things that we do, but not what someone else does. And I have to admit that I'm so guilty of this when it comes to phone usage. I notice myself saying it both in my head and out loud all the time. If I check my phone, it's because I'm just checking an email, or I've got to respond to a text, or I'm checking my DMs on Instagram because that's work related. So I'm totally fine on phone usage. But if Joel's scrolling his phone, that's just mindless scrolling, and he's being really unconscious about it. And I'm very quick to judge that and differentiate it from the thing that I'm doing, which I consider to have some sort of valid intention behind it. Right? So I think it's very important in terms of cultivating self awareness and being honest about our own phone usage, that we're not engaging in too much of this fundamental attribution error, that we're not coming up with all manner of justifications for our own compulsive or unhealthy phone usage while being very judgmental and critical of someone else's.
[00:16:38]:
I think another really common example of this, which, you know, I, again, am guilty of all the time, is if we're both, say, sitting in bed or sitting on the couch on our phones, and then I put my phone down because I finished whatever I was doing, and Joel continues to be on his phone, and I notice within myself, even after 30 seconds, that this tension rises, and it's this sense of, like, put your phone away. Like, I'm just sitting here, even though, like, 30 seconds before I was doing the exact same thing. It's just I spontaneously decided to put my phone away, and then I'm getting frustrated with him for not immediately doing the same thing. So I think there is some hypocrisy. There is some stuff that we can take ownership of there. And again, the reason that I suggest doing that is the same with, like, kind of being mindful of the anxious avoidant dynamicsit's not so that we then drop the issue altogether. It's so that we can take some of the steam out of the issue, so that we can take some of the personalization out of the issue. Because if we are going into any sort of conversation about something like this with the story of, this is a you problem and not a me problem, or you always do this, or you don't care.
[00:17:43]:
I've asked you so many times, and you're not doing it. We've had conversations about this, and you're not following through. I think the more that we can own, like, we've all got really bad habits around this, and the more we can be aware of our own and really clean up our side of the street, or at least take ownership of our side of the street, we're probably less likely to be high and mighty in judging our partner and attacking them for it, which is likely to lead to a more constructive conversation, and one that's likely to be more solution oriented. With that being said, let's talk about some of the things that you might want to consider in terms of shifting the balance around phone usage in your relationship. So I think that some things that you might want to implement as hard and fast rules or boundaries and again, the way that I would encourage you to go about this is not like, hey, you need to stop doing this because I don't like it. I think it needs to be a, hey, I've noticed that we have been on our phones a lot, and I really hate how that feels, or I feel like we're not actually spending much quality time together, even though we're spending a lot of time together, maybe by quantity. We're in each other's presence, but we're not actually there. We're not actually engaging with each other.
[00:18:53]:
It feels really mindless and disconnected, and that feels crappy to me. Would you be open to and then you lead in with whatever you're proposing. And I think having some level of genuine open mindedness and flexibility around what that looks like is a good idea. So some things that you might want to implement. I think having no phones at mealtimes is a no brainer. We definitely don't have phones at mealtimes in our relationship. I mean, very rarely, we might have a phone on the table and and one of us might pick it up to look something up, but it's definitely not a scrolling situation. I think in the same way that eating at a table is much better than eating at a couch, watching something, phones away, and really being conscious and mindful of spending that time to connect with each other, I think is a really really good idea and feels like an easy one to give, because I don't really know of any valid reason why you need to just be scrolling at dinner time or any other meal time that you're sharing together.
[00:19:51]:
I think preserving that ritual is a really important one. Some other ones you might want to consider is having some parameters around evenings or first thing in the morning. I know that we all, again, I won't lie, I definitely pick up my phone first thing in the morning. So whether it's having some sort of thing in your relationship where you wake up and say hi to each other and have a hug and a kiss or something before you turn to your phone so that you're not just lying in a dark room, staring at a screen in front of your face before you even connected with your partner, having something like that might be a good idea. Likewise, having some phone free time before you go to sleep, not only is that much better for your sleep quality, but probably really good for your relationship as well. So considering some things like that, and I think that the clearer you can get in those boundaries that you draw and that you agree on, the easier it is. I think if you just sort of shoot for something vague, let's try and be on our phones list, that's never gonna work because you're gonna have different ideas of what that looks like. There's no containment to that.
[00:20:51]:
There's no real framework or structure, and so it's going to be a slippery slope. And I think on that point, be somewhat generous as you approach behaviour change around this, recognizing that we are more or less addicted to these devices. So again, I I got a few responses from people saying we've talked about it and they're still doing it. It's so deeply ingrained within us. It is so automatic. The number of times we pick up our phone and check open an app, and then check another app, bounce between email and Instagram and whatever other apps you use to just check. It's like muscle memory. It's an extension of us.
[00:21:30]:
And because it is not conscious, most of the time when we're doing that, I'm sure if you checked your screen time stats and it said you've picked your phone up 85 times today, I'm sure you don't remember picking your phone up 85 times, but you have. Right? And so being generous that if your partner doesn't have 100% adherence from the moment you agree on something, probably don't take that personally. Don't take that to mean they're not serious about this. They don't care about what I've shared. They don't care about what I'm saying. Again, I think we need to depersonalize this as much as possible while still advocating for what is important to us in order to feel, you know, more connected in our relationships. So there was one other piece from my Instagram polls that I put out that I wanted to share, and this kind of relates to how to talk about it and maybe what to do by way of a solution. The question that I asked was, for those who are bothered by their partner's phone use, is it how much time they spend when they choose to be on their phone, or the things that they look at or consume? And 40% of people said when they choose to be on their phone.
[00:22:36]:
So that was the highest number by quite a margin. So it was like the timing of when your partner is choosing to be on their phone that seemed to bother most people. 2nd after that, at 24% was the amount of time they spend on their phone. 15% said what they look at or consume, and then a further 21% said all of it. So there are 21% of people who are bothered by all of those things, but 40% of people were most bothered by when their partner was choosing to be on their phone. So clearly, there is some situational component to this. I actually think that that is helpful because in framing the discussion, you don't have to say, I need you to not be on your phone at all, or I need you to stop using Instagram or whatever. It it just allows you to set up the boundaries of when.
[00:23:21]:
Right? That there are good times and there are not so good times for it. And are you open to being a bit more intentional about it? Again, I think that that it's actually if you can approach the conversation in a constructive, non blaming way, you'll probably get good reception from your partner because they think that if most people are being honest, most of us want to use our phones less. Most of us want to be more intentional about our device usage. Right? I don't think if you said to someone, your screen time's 3 hours and 50 minutes a day. Do you think that's a good use of your time? Not many people are gonna say, Yeah. I'm really happy with spending hours and hours a day scrolling on Instagram with absolutely nothing to show for it. Right? I think we can all recognize that that is a colossal waste of time and energy that's probably making us more depressed and anxious and disconnected and whatever else. Right? No one's really standing up in defense of that being a great use of time.
[00:24:12]:
And so I think that if we can join in solidarity with our partners around recognizing that and going, Yeah, I don't want that either. I don't want it for me, and I don't want it for you. I don't want it for us. Let's keep each other accountable. What do you think would be achievable as a starting shift? And open up the conversation that way. Let's put in these parameters. Let's not do phones at mealtimes. Let's not do phones after 8 pm.
[00:24:36]:
Whatever makes sense in the context of you and your life and your relationship, but try and approach that as a joint endeavor rather than something where you're getting them in trouble for something that they are doing wrong. Something that, you know, is their problem that they need to solve so that they can make you happy, because that is going to bring up a lot of defensiveness and all of those other dynamics around control and anxiety and stuff that we don't really need to touch into, because I don't think it needs to be an issue about that. I really do think it's bigger and broader and more universal than that, frankly. So I'm gonna leave it there. I feel like there might have to be a follow-up episode to this. I realize I haven't really gone into this whole other aspect of the phone issue in relationships, which is more around the content and social media usage and other things that partners are not comfortable with, not in terms of the fact that your partner's using their phone, but maybe what they're looking at, boundaries around social media usage, the types of accounts they follow. I know that there's lots of stuff there to explore and discuss, and I don't think that we've got time or space for it in today's episode, but it may need to be a follow-up because I get bucket loads of questions from people about navigating that, navigating their discomfort with their partner's online behavior. And so I think there's definitely stuff to look at there, and I I will make a note to do another episode on that, and and do let me know if that's something that you'd be interested in.
[00:26:08]:
But otherwise, I hope that today has been helpful in both normalizing this issue of phones in relationships by letting you know that you're far from alone in feeling if you feel any of those things that I read out earlier, that you're far from alone in feeling them, that this is so ubiquitous. It is so, so common. And I as hard as it is because I do think the odds are stacked against us in terms of these devices being designed to produce these very behaviors, this compulsive usage that we all are guilty of. I think with a bit of intentionality and accountability, you can really, you know, bring some boundaries into your relationship that don't have to feel not overbearing or strict, or like one of you is enforcing it against the other. I think you can really band together and overhaul your device usage for the greater good of your relationship and and do that together. So I hope that this has given you something to think about and maybe some tips on how to approach that. And another reminder that if you're interested, please think about joining on Attachment Insiders. As I said, it's super affordable for the first 50 members, so if you wanna snag one of those founding member spots, definitely do so.
[00:27:20]:
I'm really looking forward to seeing as many of you in there as possible, where we can have all sorts of conversations around stuff like this and so much more. I'm really looking forward to it. So thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:27:36]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment theory, relationship satisfaction, intimacy and connection, phone usage in relationships, communication impact, device dependence, unconscious phone use, attachment wounds, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, relationship boundaries, quality time, conflict resolution, partner dynamics, screen time, phone addiction, situational awareness, relationship issues, intimacy improvement, setting boundaries, attachment wounds, communication strategies, relationship habits, social media influence, emotional connection, phone-free time, intentionality, relationship enhancement, conflict escalation, partner criticism
#162: How to Stop Hoping Your Ex Comes Back
In this episode, we're explore the common and very human experience of hoping an ex will come back after a break-up saying they've changed their mind and want to reconcile. Whether you were left unexpectedly or the break-up was a long time coming, the hope that an ex will realise their mistake and come back can be powerful and all-consuming. I'll share some mindset reframes and tools to relate to your hoping differently, so you can validate yourself while still moving forward in a direction that supports your wellbeing and next chapter.
If you’ve ever found yourself clinging to the hope that your ex will come back — that they'll change their mind, realise they made a mistake, and want another chance — you’re not alone. That hope can feel intoxicating. It offers a sense of control and a fantasy of resolution when everything feels raw and unresolved. But as comforting as it might be in the moment, this hope often keeps us stuck, anchoring us to the past and preventing us from healing.
In this post, I want to explore why we hold onto hope after a breakup, how to relate to that part of ourselves with compassion rather than judgment, and how we can begin to act from self-worth rather than longing.
Hope is Human
Let’s start here: hope is not bad. It's not weak or pathetic or something you need to "get over" as quickly as possible. Hope is a deeply human response to loss, especially when the ending wasn’t your choice. If you were broken up with, if you didn’t get closure, or if you still feel love for the person, of course there's a part of you hoping they’ll come back.
Even when you know the relationship wasn’t healthy or right for you, you might still want to feel chosen. Wanted. Missed. That doesn’t make you foolish—it makes you human.
You Don’t Need to "Stop Hoping" Overnight
Often, when people ask "How do I stop hoping my ex comes back?" what they’re really saying is, "I don’t want to feel this way anymore. It hurts." And I get it. Hope can feel painful when it’s unreciprocated, when it keeps us in limbo, when it prevents us from moving forward.
But trying to force yourself not to hope—to suppress or shame that part of you into silence—rarely works. If anything, it creates more inner conflict. The invitation here is to let the hope be in the car, but not in the driver’s seat. It can come along for the ride, but it doesn’t get to make your decisions.
Anchor Into the Part of You That Knows You Deserve More
You might feel conflicted. One part of you hopes they'll come back. Another part knows you deserve better. That second part might feel quieter, smaller, harder to access. But it’s there. And every time you choose to act from that place—the place that remembers your worth and your vision for the kind of relationship you want—you strengthen it.
Even if it’s only 5% of you today that believes you deserve more, let that 5% make the decisions. Let that part guide you. Over time, it will grow stronger.
Letting Go of Fantasy to Make Room for Reality
So often, we don’t just miss the person—we miss the idea of what could have been. The imagined future. The apology that never came. The version of the relationship that only existed in our minds.
Letting go of that fantasy is grief work. And sometimes hope acts as a shield from that grief. It delays the pain of finality. If you notice yourself stuck in longing, ask yourself gently: What is this hope protecting me from? And can I tend to that underlying pain directly, rather than staying stuck in the loop?
Journaling can be a beautiful practice here. Try writing from the prompt: "I am hoping that..." and let your thoughts spill out onto the page. Don’t edit or censor. Just notice what comes up.
Choose Self-Respect Over Scraps
It might sound harsh, but it's worth saying plainly: trying to win back someone who has chosen to leave can be a form of self-abandonment. When we’re in the thick of it, it can feel romantic or loyal. But over time, it can erode your sense of dignity.
You deserve to be with someone who is sure about you. Who chooses you freely, not out of guilt or persuasion. Every time you act in alignment with that truth—by not texting your ex, by unfollowing them on social media, by pouring your energy into your own life—you reclaim a little more of your power.
Holding Yourself Through the Hard Days
Healing isn’t linear. There will be days when you feel strong and grounded, and others when the longing knocks the wind out of you. That doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. It just means you’re human.
Speak kindly to yourself on those days. Remind yourself that you're doing the best you can. Reach for the tools that support you—guided meditations, time in nature, support from friends, or courses like Higher Love that walk with you through this terrain.
A Final Word…
You don’t need to shame yourself for hoping. That hope had a purpose—it buffered the grief, it held you when everything else felt uncertain. But at some point, it may become more of a weight than a comfort. And that’s when you get to make a choice.
You get to choose to move forward, not because you no longer care, but because you care about yourself enough to let go of what isn’t choosing you.
And that’s where real healing begins.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
When faced with the end of a relationship, do you find yourself hoping that your ex will come back? How does this affect your day-to-day emotions and decisions?
How do you balance the part of you that hopes for reconciliation with the part that knows you deserve more? What steps could you take to strengthen the latter?
Reflect on a time when you judged yourself harshly for feeling a certain way post-breakup. What compassionate responses could you have instead offered yourself in that moment?
Have you ever felt that missing an ex was controlling your actions or decisions? What strategies can you employ to ensure this feeling doesn’t take the driver’s seat?
What does the concept of acting from your "north star" or sense of integrity mean to you in the context of moving on from a relationship? How can you align more with this?
How do you typically handle emotions like anxiety, sensitivity, or sadness in other areas of your life? Are there parallels to how you handle breakups?
Think about a past relationship where you had to let go of hope. What helped you to move forward, and what did you learn about yourself through that process?
Sometimes, the hope that an ex will return can be a manifestation of avoiding the grief of acceptance. How comfortable are you with sitting in that grief? What feels challenging about it?
Consider the role of self-worth in your relationships. How does being broken up with impact your sense of self-worth, and what practices help you to reclaim it?
Reflect on the idea that emotions like hope or missing someone will naturally be present but don’t need to dictate your actions. How can you better acknowledge these emotions without letting them steer your life?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save 50% on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I'm answering the question of how do I stop hoping that my ex is going to change his mind and come back? So this is one that I got in my Instagram q and a last week, and I got so many responses to the answer that I shared, thanking me and saying that it was really relatable for a lot of people. And so I thought that it was maybe worth elaborating on in a podcast episode. So this question of when we've been through a breakup, and there's this part of us that is really holding on to hope that the person who broke our heart, who broke up with us, we hope that they're going to come back and say, I changed my mind. I made a terrible mistake, please take me back. And another part that the person who asked this question originally on Instagram included was, I know I deserve more, but how do I stop hoping? So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts today on all of that, on how to stop hoping, whether we should be trying to stop hoping. Spoiler alert.
[00:01:33]:
I don't know that that's something that we can or should be trying to control. But certainly where we should be focusing our energy in ways that we can really support ourselves to move forward in a healthy, adaptive way that actually allows us to process whatever it is that we're experiencing, and move forward with grace and dignity and self respect, so that we can be best placed to embark upon our next chapter, whatever that looks like. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. And I should say at the outset, although it's in the context of a breakup, the conversation that we're having today, I do think that a lot of what I'm going to be sharing is broadly applicable to you if you're someone who often fights against your emotions. So if you often find yourself saying or thinking things like, how do I stop being so anxious? How do I stop being so sensitive? All of these parts of ourselves that we can be really judgmental of and try and push against, a lot of what I'm sharing today will be applicable to those sorts of situations as well. So even if you're not currently going through a breakup, I'm hoping that there'll be a little something for everybody. Now before I dive into that, because this is a breakup themed episode, I did want to let you know that I have a few different resources available for you if you are going through a breakup and you're looking for some extra support. I have a free quiz on my website which is about, you know, which breakup stage are you in? The point of that quiz being that depending on which stage of a breakup you're in, I'm then able to give you a free guide that's tailored to that stage and funnel you to some different resources.
[00:03:08]:
I also have a free guided meditation on finding closure, which is a crowd favorite that's been downloaded thousands and thousands of times, and I always get beautiful feedback from that one. Or if you are really looking to up the ante and support yourself through the breakup, With lots of tools and resources, my Higher Love course is a really comprehensive road map through a breakup and beyond, and you can save 50% on that course with the discount code Phoenix. So just wanted to let you know of those few resources if you are going through a breakup and you're looking for a bit of extra help through the weeds of it because I know that it can be really challenging. And I think even having something to reach for, tools, practices, that can be a really healthy distraction and and something that can actually move you in the right direction with a bit of structure. So I wanted to share that. 2nd quick announcement is just to remind you again about my couple of in person events coming up. So a workshop in Sydney at the end of November and a retreat in Byron Bay next May. So if you're interested in either of those, you can head to my website.
[00:04:15]:
There are links in the show notes and you can check out all the details. And if you wanna come hang out with me in person and do some of this work and go really deep, I would love to see you there. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around how to stop hoping that your ex is going to come back and say they've changed their mind. So as I often do, I wanna start by validating how very, very human this is to have that hoping. Okay? Particularly when we've been through a break up, maybe we're in the thick of it, and we've been left by someone. I think in most cases where we're holding onto this hope, it's in circumstances where we were not the one to end the relationship, so someone has broken up with us. And that may have been against your will.
[00:05:00]:
Maybe you were really blindsided by it, or maybe it was a long time coming, but it was something that you were, you know, really trying to work against, and you were trying to work it out, and you really wanted things to play out differently between you. But either way, I think that experience of being broken up with can be really hard when it's just not what we wanted. Add to that that in a lot of cases, being broken up with can be a bit of a hit to our self worth, our ego, our self esteem. You know, we can be feeling a little bit less than wonderful about ourselves when we've been broken up with. It can feed all of these really painful stories around Why doesn't anyone want me? Why am I not lovable enough? I tried so hard and it still wasn't enough to make them stay. What could I have done differently? All of these stories that really, at a fundamental level, are asking, Why not me? And so I think against this backdrop, of course, like, of course, we're hoping that they turn around and come back and say, I made a terrible mistake. I love you. I miss you.
[00:06:04]:
My life is an empty mess without you. I take it all back. Let's get back together. Of course, there's a part of you that feels that way. Right? And I think that's true even if you don't actually want to get back together, even if a part of you knows that the relationship wasn't working and it's probably for the best that you broke up. I think it's really, really normal that there would be another part of you that is holding on to that hope and that would feel kind of validated or vindicated by your ex coming back and saying, take me back. I love you. I miss you.
[00:06:34]:
I need you. So I think I just really want to validate, like, the absolute normalcy, the humanness of having that hope. And I think that so often when we have these experiences, and as I said in the introduction, whether it's hoping or anxiety or sensitivity or sadness, anger, we judge ourselves for having the emotion, for having the experience, and we push against it. And I think that creates so much more angst and inattention than if we just turned towards that and go, yeah. Well, that makes sense. Of course, I'm hoping that. Right? So rather than trying to stop hoping because I really don't think that you can force yourself to stop hoping, to let go of hope. I think you can set the intention to let go of hope or to cultivate more acceptance, but I don't think that you can force it.
[00:07:24]:
And I actually think that the less you try to force it, the less you try and get rid of it, which I consider to be frankly a waste of energy. The more that you can direct your energy to something that is productive and supportive and and helpful in terms of what comes next. I think this is a broader misconception that a lot of people have when they're going through a breakup. How do I stop missing them? Is another really common question that I'll get. And again, there's nothing really for you to do there because you can't just force yourself to stop missing someone. But the key here is not letting the part of you that is hoping that they'll come back, not letting the part of you that is missing them be in the driver's seat in terms of making your decisions, in terms of how you're living your day to day life. They can be in the car, and they probably will be in the car. As I said, it's not easy to just kick them out and leave them on the highway.
[00:08:15]:
Right? It's a part of you, and it's a very human, understandable, tender part of you that really you should be taking good care of rather than, you know, blaming or making wrong. To go back to the person who originally asked the question, who said, I know I deserve more, I think we really need to anchor into that knowing that you deserve more than someone who doesn't want to be with you. Right? You deserve more than someone who is unsure. And so trying to really hold that knowing, even if it feels like that part of you is only 1% and the hoping and the missing is 99%, really consciously shifting into, I know I deserve more and I'm going to move my life forward, I'm going to take action from the part of me that knows that I deserve more, and really is choosing to believe that there is more out there for me than someone who doesn't want to be with me. And I think that is just so, so essential, and this is the advice I give to everyone around breakups. I can't tell you how many messages I get from people saying, how do I get my ex to give me another chance? How do I get someone to take me back? They're not answering any of my calls. They don't wanna see me. And I know that when you're in it, that desperation is really real, and that attachment and that fear is very real.
[00:09:29]:
And I think we need to kind of check ourselves and go, do I really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with me? Right? And the part of us that knows deep down that the answer to that is no, I don't. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, and I don't want to have to convince them of that. I think that that's really the part of us that we need to be turning up the volume on and really consciously leaning into in a breakup in these circumstances where there's another part of us that is holding onto that hope. So all of that being said, there's nothing for you to do about solving the hoping. If you want to give any attention or time to the hoping, do so in a validating, really loving, compassionate way. You could do some journaling about it, and you could just write at the top of a page, I am hoping, and just see what stream of consciousness comes out. And that, again, is beautiful and expressive and important, that the part of you that is holding on to hope gets to be seen and validated. Because as I said, I think the more we push against it, the more we try and silence it, the louder it becomes.
[00:10:35]:
It's almost like a toddler throwing a tantrum. It doesn't want to be told no, because that part of you is there for a reason, and maybe that hope is trying to protect you from the immense grief of acceptance. Maybe that hope is holding on because to let go feels like too much too soon. And so trust that there is some wisdom in that while also deciding to act from another part of you that knows that you deserve more, but certainly not making that hoping part wrong, certainly not judging yourself for it or calling yourself pathetic or tragic or any of those other things that we can, you know, really unkindly criticize ourselves about. Let it be there. Layer it with lots of love and tenderness and care as you would a friend that was going through a really hard time, but still hold what you know to be true. Hold your integrity. Hold your values.
[00:11:29]:
Hold your vision for what you want and what you deserve, and decide to take action from that place. I think that's the really critical distinction here. So I hope that that was helpful. Bit of a short and sweet episode, but really, really important distinction. As I said, even if you're not in that set of circumstances, I think there's a lesson in that for all of us, for the parts of us that we judge, that we are critical of, rather than saying, how do I make that stop or how do I make it go away? Think the better question is, what is it trying to tell me? Or what is it trying to keep me safe from? And how can I really compassionately turn towards that and trust in its wisdom, while still staying true to my north star, my sense of integrity, my sense of value based decision making so that I can move my life in the direction that I want? So I hope that's been helpful.
[00:12:20]:
As I said, plenty of resources for those of you who are going through a breakup on my website. It's all linked in the show notes. Sending you lots of love if you're going through that because I know it's really tender and hard, but you will get through it. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. The sun will rise, and I'm sending you lots of love. Okay. Thanks, guys.
[00:12:42]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, breakup advice, hope after breakup, ex-partner, moving on, emotional support, self-worth, self-esteem, missing an ex, emotional healing, practical tools, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, podcast episode, overcoming insecurity, breakup stages, guided meditation, finding closure, Higher Love course, breakup resources, acceptance after breakup, self-respect, starting anew, Sydney workshop, Byron Bay retreat, grief acceptance, journaling about hope, emotional wisdom