When we talk about avoidant attachment, it’s often framed in the context of what makes these relationships hard—the pulling away, the fear of intimacy, the patterns of shutdown and self-protection. And while those challenges are real, we often miss the opportunity to ask a more constructive question: What does someone with avoidant attachment actually need in order to feel safe, secure, and thrive in a relationship?

If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly bending, morphing, or minimising yourself in order to preserve connection in a relationship, you’re not alone. For many of us—particularly those with anxious attachment patterns—self-abandonment is an all-too-familiar experience. And while it’s easy to focus on the external dynamics of our relationships, the truth is that so much of what plays out between us and others begins in the relationship we have with ourselves.