#263: How to Stop Obsessing About Someone
Few things are as frustrating as being unable to stop thinking about someone.
Maybe it was someone who broke up with you. Someone who was emotionally unavailable. Someone who never fully chose you. Or perhaps it was a situationship that never became what you hoped it would.
Whatever the circumstances, you might find yourself asking:
Why can't I stop thinking about them?
Why do they still take up so much space in my mind?
How do I let go and move on?
If you've been caught in that cycle, there's something important I want you to know:
Your obsession is probably not about them.
And that's actually very good news.
It's Rarely About How Amazing They Were
When we're struggling to get over someone, we often convince ourselves that it's because they were extraordinary.
We tell ourselves:
They were the one.
We had such a special connection.
I'll never find anyone like them.
But when we look more closely, the reality is often more complicated.
Many of the people we become most fixated on are not consistently available. They're hot and cold. They're inconsistent. They create uncertainty.
One day they seem deeply invested, and the next they're pulling away.
And that inconsistency creates something powerful: preoccupation.
When we don't know where we stand, our nervous system becomes hypervigilant. We start scanning for clues, analysing every interaction, and trying to predict what might happen next.
The result is that our attention becomes completely consumed by them.
The Anxious Attachment Trap
This pattern is especially common for people with anxious attachment.
At the heart of anxious attachment is a familiar dilemma:
"Connection feels wonderful, but I never quite trust that it's secure."
When someone feels inconsistent or unavailable, our system becomes activated.
We start asking:
How can I get them to choose me?
What do I need to do differently?
How can I hold onto the connection?
Over time, we become experts at shape-shifting.
We adjust our behaviour.
We minimise our needs.
We become whoever we think they need us to be.
And in the process, we slowly lose touch with ourselves.
The relationship stops being about mutual connection and starts becoming a project: getting someone else to finally choose us.
What You're Really Grieving
When that relationship ends, it often feels devastating.
But what we're grieving isn't always the person themselves.
Often we're grieving what they came to represent.
For many people, the story sounds something like:
"If I could just get this person to choose me, then I'd finally feel worthy."
Without realising it, we place enormous emotional weight on the relationship.
We make that person's choice mean something about our value.
So when they leave, reject us, or remain unavailable, it doesn't just feel disappointing.
It feels like proof.
Proof that we're not enough.
Proof that we're too much.
Proof that we'll never be chosen.
And that's why letting go feels so difficult.
Because we're not simply losing a person.
We're confronting a painful story about ourselves.
The Story Beneath the Obsession
When people say:
"I can't stop thinking about them."
What they're often really saying is:
"I can't stop thinking about what this means about me."
The mind becomes obsessed because it's trying to solve the problem.
It's searching for answers.
Why didn't it work?
What did I do wrong?
Why wasn't I enough?
We replay conversations.
We analyse every detail.
We look for explanations.
Anything that might help us avoid sitting with the deeper wound underneath.
But the real healing begins when we stop focusing exclusively on them and start becoming curious about ourselves.
Questions like:
What am I making this mean about me?
When have I felt this way before?
What old wound is being activated here?
What story am I carrying into this situation?
These questions shift the focus back where it belongs.
Stop Trying Not to Think About Them
One of the most common questions I receive is:
"How do I stop thinking about them?"
And my answer is usually not what people want to hear.
Stop trying so hard not to think about them.
Trying to force thoughts away often makes them stronger.
It's like telling yourself not to think about a pink elephant.
The more you resist, the more attention you give it.
Instead, practise noticing the thoughts without attaching to them.
You might simply say:
"There goes my mind again."
Or:
"Of course I'm thinking about them. This is a tender place for me right now."
The goal isn't to eliminate the thoughts.
The goal is to stop feeding them.
Focus on Your Actions
While you can't always control your thoughts, you can control your behaviour.
There's a big difference between:
Thinking about someone
Checking their Instagram fifteen times a day
There's a difference between:
Missing them
Re-reading old messages every night
The thoughts may arise automatically.
The actions are choices.
And those choices either reinforce the attachment or help you loosen it.
This often requires uncomfortable boundaries:
Not checking their social media
Not reaching out
Not responding to breadcrumbs
Not revisiting old conversations
Not keeping yourself emotionally tethered to the past
None of this feels good initially.
In fact, it can feel a lot like withdrawal.
But there is no way to let go while continuing to hold on.
Take Back Your Power
One of the most painful beliefs people carry after a breakup is:
"They have so much power over me."
But often, that power is being continually reinforced through our own actions.
Every time we revisit the story.
Every time we search for answers.
Every time we keep ourselves emotionally attached.
We hand over another piece of our agency.
Healing requires drawing a line in the sand.
It means deciding:
"I'm no longer going to organise my life around this person."
That doesn't mean suppressing your grief.
It doesn't mean pretending you're fine.
It means becoming a trustworthy leader for yourself.
It means choosing actions that support your wellbeing, even when those actions feel difficult.
Build a New Story
The deepest healing happens when we stop defining ourselves by who did or didn't choose us.
Instead of asking:
"Why wasn't I enough?"
We begin asking:
"What would it look like to treat myself as though I already am enough?"
That shift changes everything.
Because every self-respecting choice becomes evidence for a new story.
A story where your worth isn't determined by someone's willingness to stay.
A story where you can experience disappointment without making it mean you're fundamentally flawed.
A story where you stop chasing validation and start embodying self-worth.
Moving Forward
If you're struggling to get over someone, remember:
The goal isn't to force yourself to stop thinking about them.
The goal is to stop making your life revolve around them.
Allow the thoughts to come and go.
Get curious about the deeper wounds underneath.
Take responsibility for the actions that keep you stuck.
And most importantly, begin living in a way that reflects the belief that your worth is not determined by whether someone chose you.
Because in the end, the person you're trying to let go of is often just a symbol.
The real work is healing the part of you that believed their choice defined your value.
And that's work that has the power to transform every relationship you'll ever have—including the one you have with yourself.
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[00:01:30]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we are talking all about how to stop obsessing about someone. And usually that someone is a person who didn't want you, who was unavailable, who maybe broke up with you, who never really chose you. And I think that this is an experience that so many people will relate to. Maybe you're in the thick of it now and it can be so, so frustrating. I feel like it's one of the top things that I'm answering questions on amongst students in my programme. This recurring theme of how do I stop thinking about them? How do I stop my mind from going there and staying there and maybe following that trailhead and having them as the centre of my universe at the same time as I'm wanting to let them go, at least on some level. So we're going to be talking about that today, why it's so easy to fixate on someone who is unavailable to you in some way and how that can actually be more about us than it is about them.
[00:02:28]:
And I think that's true almost always as a bit of a spoiler that it has very little to do with how amazing they are and the fact that you can't have them, and more about what you've made that mean about you that they didn't want or choose you. So that's what we're going to be digging into today. Before we get into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that I have recently launched a substack which I'm really excited about. Honestly, I've felt really uninspired recently by other social media, Instagram and such, and having just finished writing a book. I've been in writing mode and really I'm feeling called to do more long form in depth, nuanced writing rather than churning out a post every day for Instagram, which to be honest, really doesn't spark much joy. So I'm really enjoying writing on Substack. My publication there is called Notes to Self.
[00:03:15]:
It's currently free. There are already a few articles. I've also recorded voiceovers, so if you prefer to listen rather than read, or maybe you can do both, that's all there and I would really, really appreciate your support. Starting from scratch on a new platform is always very humbling, so if you want to head on over to Substack and subscribe, that would be deeply appreciated and hopefully you'll also be able to enjoy my writing there. So all of that is linked in the show Notes. Again, I'd be hugely grateful for your support. Second quick announcement, more in keeping with the theme of today's episode. If you are struggling to get over someone, if you've been through a breakup, a reminder that I have a free training on my website that really goes into more depth around the themes we're going to be discussing today.
[00:03:56]:
So how to stop obsessing over someone and how that can actually keep you stuck, particularly in the context of a breakup. So if that's something, something that you're interested in and that feels like it's well timed for you, definitely register and come along to that Free breakup training. Okay, let's talk about it. Why you can't stop obsessing over someone, and how you might start to detach and move your life forward so that they are no longer the centre of your universe in ways that feel really frustrating and that feel like they're keeping you stuck. So as I alluded to in the introduction, I think it's really important to say at the outset, and I will always start by telling people it's not actually about them. And as much as we can put them on a pedestal and tell ourselves that we've let someone slip away and they were so amazing and we had such a great connection and all of the things, and certainly that can feel true. But almost always when I scratch the surface a little, someone will tell me about how amazing this person was in the same breath as telling me that the connection always felt really unstable, that they would come and go a lot, they'd confess their dying love for me and then the next week they'd disappear. So almost always when we have this sense of obsession and we've put someone on a pedestal, it is almost always accompanied by a good dose of insecurity and a sense of reaching for someone who's sometimes there and sometimes not.
[00:05:21]:
And so we become so hyper fixated on trying to get them to be there and trying to get them to choose us and trying to get to connection and then hold on to it because we never know whether it's going to be there or not. If you've been a listener for a while or if you've done any of my programmes, you would know that that is really a hallmark of the anxious attachment blueprint that is really at the heart of the origin storey of anxious attachment. Love feels so good. I have a positive impression of what it means to be in connection, but I don't know whether you're going to be there, whether you're going to be hot or cold, whether you're going to be available to me. And so I become very anxious about that and so I become hyper tuned into all of those little details that might serve as cues for what am I likely to get here? How can I maximise my chances of getting what I want from you, which is warmth and love and connection? But of course, and you probably know this from experience, what that does is takes us further and further away from ourselves because we become so focused on trying to elicit what we need from someone else that we have all of these different ways of being that we are flip flopping between. We become expert shape shifters at who do I need to be, how do I need to be in order to make you be a certain way towards me? And so the more we play that game, the further and further away we get from what is authentic to us, what actually feels good, and being tuned into our own experience and our own needs and being able to clearly advocate for that. So it's a really tricky cycle and obviously I've talked about the inner workings of those kinds of dynamics previously in the podcast and I'll link Some episodes below that you might want to dig into. But that sort of sets the scene for why we are then so obsessed with this person and why we can't stop thinking about them and ruminating on them and replaying everything even once the connection has ended.
[00:07:14]:
And it's really because we have put so much of ourselves into trying to get them to choose us in pursuing them, chasing them, going after them, trying to make ourselves lovable, palatable, acceptable to them. And so when that doesn't work, it feeds this really painful storey of no matter how hard I try, it's never enough. And that storey is so tender and so vulnerable that our brain will do everything possible to try and find an alternative explanation or another end to the storey that isn't that. Because that, as the ending to the storey feels so disappointing and we feel so ashamed and so broken when we have given everything to trying to get something over the line and it still isn't enough, right? There's such a familiar pain to that for so many of us with anxious attachment patterns that we just want to push that away. And so obsessing over them, either trying to figure out what it was within them that caused them to leave. And maybe it's actually because they're avoidant or they have intimacy, fears or some other explanation. We have to find something to hold onto that isn't just I wasn't enough for them, right? Because that's the painful storey that we're so desperate to avoid and that we're so desperate to distract ourselves from. And so that's really what I mean when I say it's not about them.
[00:08:34]:
They are a symbol. They are a standard in. Right. They're an actor on the stage playing the part of the person who doesn't want me. And there's a really good chance that you've experienced this pain before of feeling not enough or too much for someone and feeling like you've tried so hard and you've given it everything and they still left you or they still didn't want you. And of course, we can look at if that's a pattern in your life, there's a really good chance that you are pursuing people who leave you feeling like that from the start, who have this quality of unavailability or inconsistency or not quite meeting your needs or not fully embracing and accepting you. And oftentimes it's part of that unworthiness thing that we have that we convince ourselves. And this is usually pretty subconscious.
[00:09:22]:
There's not many people who actively, consciously pursue that in their relationships and yet we end up in these dynamics over and over again. But there's this subconscious unworthiness wound that says if I can get that person over the line, then that will be so redeeming of my low self worth. Then I'll feel this sense of success and I'll feel like I truly am lovable. Because I got the person who was unavailable to be available, I got the person who was kind of lukewarm towards me to choose me. Because I proved myself to be lovable, I proved myself to be valuable and worthy. And so now I can live happily ever after. And that will be like the resolution, that will be the thing that ties it all up in a bow. And so the fact that that doesn't work, right, that's the thing that we are latching onto, that's the thing we're obsessing about because we're trying to figure out why didn't it work? Why couldn't I get them to love me, why wouldn't they choose me? And so it's really not about them, it's not about losing them, it's about that storey, it's about what we're making it mean about us.
[00:10:24]:
And that's actually great news because that's something that the ball is really in your court and you can start to turn focus away from them because it's really not about them and start to get curious about what is going on for me here. What am I making this mean? What is this really about? What is the storey? I'm telling myself, when have I felt this way before? What am I bringing to this situation that isn't just about this situation? What am I overlooking in the way that I'm telling the storey of this relationship and how it unfolded? Because there's a good chance that you're really wearing those rose coloured glasses as you review the relationship. And again, so often when I'm hearing people's storeys and they give me this long account, it sounds like a bit of a dumpster fire. And yet the only thing that they're holding onto is the glimmer of the connection was so great at the beginning, right? And then everything after that kind of gets swept under the rug because they're so hyper fixated on how do I get it back to the way that it was and why did it change and what did I do wrong, right? Because in a weird sort of way, blaming ourselves allows us to feel more in control. If we can just figure out what we did wrong, then we can make sure that we don't do it again again next time. And of course, while self reflection is great, self blame and shaming ourselves and feeding that storey of there's something wrong with me is never going to lead to growth because it is just fighting shame with shame and fighting shame with shame doesn't lead anywhere good. It just leads to more contraction, it leads to lower self worth. And then we go into the next relationship with our self esteem in tatters and we are just that much more susceptible to repeating the pattern again.
[00:11:58]:
And on and on it goes. So how do we stop doing that? How do we do things differently now? I know it's probably a really annoying answer, but whenever people ask me this, my response is always to say, stop trying to not think about them, because that's just another form of thinking about them. It's just like more energy and attention there. It's almost like if something's right in front of you and you just like block your ears and start saying, la, la, la la la, right? It's still, you're so focused on that, but you're just in defiance, you're in resistance to what's right in front of you, but there's no space for anything else there because you're so focused on the white knuckling it or just ignoring it, even though it's so plainly right there in front of you. So I don't think trying to just stop thinking about them if you're thinking about them a lot is going to achieve anything. And you've probably learned that by trying exactly that with little success. So I think a much better approach is redirecting yourself away from that while still acknowledging and allowing the thoughts are going to come up. And that's okay, that's part of the process.
[00:12:56]:
It's not wrong. It's not something that you have to quickly push away and stuff in a box and put the lid on. Because again, the more that we make ourselves wrong for it, we're just adding more stress and resistance to a system that's already under a lot of stress. So rather than saying, oh, I shouldn't be thinking about them and why am I thinking about them? You can just notice it like, ah, look at me go, I'm my. That's where my brain's going again, isn't that interesting, right? It can be that simple. You don't have to follow the trailhead because I think the more we make ourselves wrong for it, then the more we kind of want to go there, but we're pulling ourselves back and it just takes up so much more bandwidth than it otherwise would if we were just letting it pass by. So I really think that trying to stop the thoughts is not a good use of your time and energy. But what you can do, when I was giving someone this advice the other day is distinguish between the thoughts, which are largely out of your control and will kind of come and go, and the actions.
[00:13:52]:
So there's a difference between I can't stop thinking about them and I can't stop checking their social media 15 times a day that you actually can stop doing. And that's where you have to have some self responsibility and healthy boundaries. So your actions are the things that take it a step further. And that's where you can actually say, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to feed the obsession by stalking them online or reading through our old messages or looking at photos or any number of other things that, you know, kind of entrench you in the emotional state of feeling sorry for yourself, of feeling depressed, of feeling anxious, of feeling like you need to talk to them. You can notice the initial thought, come up and acknowledge it and say, yes, that makes sense. I'm feeling really tender. So of course those thoughts are going to visit me throughout the day and I'm going to continue making choices that support my wellbeing, that support me to move forward, that support me to feel like I'm in control rather than leaning into this whole thing of I can't help it.
[00:14:53]:
And that's something that I will always give people tough love about when they say I can't help. Insert here in you can. And the more you tell yourself that you can't, you're kind of giving yourself a backdoor, you're giving yourself a permission slip to keep engaging in the dysfunctional behaviour. And we do actually just have to say, I am deciding that I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm not going to reach out to them, I'm not going to respond if they reach out to me. I'm not going to reread the messages, I'm not going to cheque their Instagram, all of those things. We actually just have to have a bit of self responsibility and restraint around and that's uncomfortable. And it will be uncomfortable, right? It will feel almost like withdrawals, but like anything, there's no other way around it.
[00:15:35]:
You can't let go while you're holding on. And so we do just have to decide to do the thing that is good for us rather than the Thing that provides temporary relief because you will keep yourself stuck, you will keep yourself tethered and it will feed the storey of I can't stop and why do they have so much power over me? They have power over you because you're giving them power over you. And the more you keep spinning around in all of those storeys and all of the meaning making and all of the why would they leave me? And all of the I can't let go, well that's just going to keep you there and that's going to feel very true. So at some point you just need to draw a line in the sand and say I'm going to take back the reins. I know that that relationship really challenged me, really brought me into contact with a lot of my stuff and it's my job now to process that. Not to shame myself, not to blame myself, not to just run the same old storeys, but to get really curious at the same time as I decide to act like a compet, capable, trustworthy leader for myself and my parts, get clear about what moving forward in a constructive way looks like and decide that I'm not going to keep doing this to myself, decide that I'm going to be more discerning about where I invest my time and energy, the types of connections that I pursue, the standards that I set and hold for myself and I'm going to lead from the part of me that knows that I deserve more than this or that is choosing to believe that I deserve more than this. If maybe you don't, you don't quite feel like you know that at the moment. And bit by bit, as we start to make healthier choices, as we start to live with self honouring, self respecting actions, the thoughts will soften because they stop having such a grip on you, they stop having such a chokehold because they aren't so intertwined with all of those painful storeys of low self worth.
[00:17:26]:
And so that's really where we start to shake off the heavy burdens of how could they leave me and why didn't they want me and why aren't I enough for anyone? Because we stop believing that, right? Because we're not embodying that energy of desperation and lack and neediness and all of those things, we start to actually stand a little taller and believe that, you know what, I have value and I have worth and I'm going to live in a way that embodies that and make choices that reflect that knowing and that is really like that's the work. If you have these patterns and that's been part of your storey. We do have to lead with action and I come back to this over and over again and I wish it were as easy as like a quick mindset hack or some journal prompts. It is about making better choices so that we can create evidence for a new storey that better reflects our values and where we want to go. Okay, I feel like I've just rambled for the better part of 20 minutes, but hopefully there was something useful in all of that for you. That is very much the crux of the advice that I give people all the time in my programmes. As I said, this is a very frequently asked question. So realising that, like trying to stop the thoughts head on is futile.
[00:18:35]:
It's a waste of time. Don't bother. Let them be there while also making healthy choices. Figure out what it means to move your life forward, be decisive about that, be clearer around what you want, what you value, the standards that you want to set and hold. And then put one foot in front of the other and trust that over time that group will soften and they won't have as much power over you. Because as I've said multiple times, it's not really about them, it's about what they've come to represent in terms of your own beliefs about yourself. Okay, I really hope that that's been helpful, sending you lots of love and I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks so much, guys.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
obsessing over someone, attachment styles, anxious attachment, unavailable partners, breakups, letting go, self worth, self blame, unworthiness, pedestalising partners, rejection, moving on, emotional detachment, romantic rumination, inconsistent relationships, childhood friends, repeating relationship patterns, self responsibility, healthy boundaries, social media stalking, relationship triggers, heartbreak recovery, inner narrative, self reflection, rumination, relationship standards, personal growth, breakup recovery, emotional resilience, low self esteem