4 Common Misconceptions About Avoidant Attachment
In this week's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel and we're exploring some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment is frequently misunderstood and misrepresented in a lot of online content, and it's so important to me to dispel some of those portrayals and offer something more humanising and more honest about what's going on for avoidant folks.
We cover misconceptions around:
Avoidant people not wanting to be in relationships
Avoidant people only caring about themselves
Avoidant people never experiencing anxiety in their relationships
Avoidant people being unable to change
Understanding Avoidant Attachment: Compassion for the Misunderstood
Attachment styles profoundly influence our interpersonal relationships, acting as blueprints for how we relate to others, particularly in times of stress or emotional need. Of these, avoidant attachment often faces widespread misconceptions that can lead to misunderstandings in personal relationships and the advice offered to those who identify with this attachment style. This discussion seeks to unravel these misconceptions, fostering a better understanding of avoidant attachment and promoting supportive relationships.
Debunking Misconceptions About Avoidance in Relationships
The belief that individuals with an avoidant attachment style have an across-the-board aversion to relationships is a common misconception. Far from being universally true, many people with this style do engage in relationships. However, they may struggle with achieving the right balance between intimacy and their inherent need for independence. It isn't a matter of not wanting a relationship; it's about navigating the complexities of intimacy and maintaining a comfortable level of emotional space.
The myth that avoidant partners never change is another unfounded trope that can hinder relationship growth. People are not static; they evolve and adapt through experiences and personal reflection. Resisting the impulse to impose change on a partner and instead fostering an atmosphere of support and understanding can facilitate organic growth and relationship satisfaction for both parties.
Navigating Personal Space and Emotional Regulation
A pressing challenge for individuals with avoidant tendencies is managing their emotional landscape within the precincts of a close relationship. They are often adept at self-regulation when on their own but may struggle to process and communicate their emotions in tandem with a partner. Establishing personal space that respects both partners' boundaries is key to creating a sustainable, fulfilling relationship dynamic.
Mislabeling as 'Selfish' or 'Uncaring'
Labels such as 'selfish' or 'uncaring' are frequently, and often unfairly, attributed to those with an avoidant attachment style. The truth behind the façade of indifference is usually more complex – assuredly not a lack of care, but perhaps a struggle in expressing it. Patience and empathy from a partner can help bridge the gap between misunderstood actions and the true intentions behind them.
The Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic
Heightened sensitivities arise in relationships that mix anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Here, the anxious partner's need for validation and approval can clash with the avoidant person's instinct to withdraw for self-preservation, feeling underappreciated. Recognising and addressing these differing needs and reactions can lead to more harmonious and supportive partnerships.
Internal Anxiety and Overthinking
Although not always outwardly apparent, individuals with avoidant attachment can experience significant internal anxiety. This can manifest in overthinking and anticipating the worst-case scenarios. Identifying and soothing these internal dialogues is crucial for avoidant individuals to feel secure in a relationship.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment Patterns
Even within the spectrum of avoidant attachment, there are variances such as the fearful avoidant type. Here, a fear of becoming too dependent can often lead to an individual exhibiting anxious attachment patterns, especially during periods of relationship upheaval like breakups. Learning to navigate these intense emotions is vital for maintaining inner peace and relationship stability.
Encouraging Self-awareness and Trust
Developing self-awareness and trust is an imperative step for those grappling with avoidant attachment. Understanding one's own attachment style, triggers, and responses can significantly improve relational dynamics and lead to more secure attachments.
Balancing Vulnerability and Control
For an avoidant individual, the need to balance vulnerability with a sense of control is paramount. Engaging in open and honest communication about fundamental attachment needs can help avoidant partners feel more at ease with vulnerability, ultimately contributing to a deeper and more secure connection.
Fostering a Supportive and Loving Environment
The foundation of any meaningful relationship change lies in fostering a loving and supportive environment. For those with avoidant attachment, such an environment can encourage self-disclosure and connectivity without the fear of judgement or loss of autonomy.
Finding the Path to Growth
Underlining the discussion is the philosophy that a one-size-fits-all approach to attachment and personal change is unrealistic. Acknowledging that each person's journey towards growth is unique allows for a more nuanced and compassionate perspective on relationships. Partners of those with avoidant attachment styles can empower change by nurturing an empathetic space that respects each person's pacing and process of transformation.
In conclusion, while avoidant attachment is often veiled in misconceptions, taking the time to dissect and dispel these myths can lead to healthier, more resilient relationships. Through understanding, patience, and mutual support, it is possible to navigate these waters together, allowing both partners to thrive within their attachment paradigms.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your understanding of avoidant attachment - prior to this episode, did you hold any of the common misconceptions about avoidant individuals, such as the belief that they cannot change or do not desire relationships? How has your perspective shifted after listening to Stephanie and Joel's discussion?
Consider the idea of needing personal space within a relationship. Have you ever felt conflicted between wanting intimacy and needing your own space? How do you navigate these feelings without sending mixed signals to your partner?
In the context of your own relationships, how do you balance vulnerability with maintaining a sense of control? Can you think of instances where you have successfully managed this balance, and what did that look like for you and your partner?
Joel talked about his personal struggle with expressing care. Can you relate to the challenge of showing affection or care in a way that feels authentic to you? How might this tie in with your attachment style?
The anxious-avoidant dynamic can often lead to a cycle of withdrawal and pursuit in relationships. Have you experienced this pattern before, and how did it affect your relationship? What steps did you take, or could you take in the future, to break the cycle?
Stephanie and Joel emphasise the importance of a supportive and loving environment for organic change within a relationship. Reflect on your past or current relationships – what does a supportive environment look like for you, and how does it contribute to personal and mutual growth?
Avoidant attachment can involve an internal sense of anxiety that isn't always expressed openly. Think about a time you might have overthought a situation or scenario with a partner to the point of worst-case thinking. How did you handle this internal turmoil, and what did it reveal about your attachment needs?
The episode discusses the misconception that avoidant people are selfish or uncaring. Have you ever been quick to judge a partner's behaviour as selfish without considering their attachment style? How can you approach such situations with more empathy in the future?
Joel shares that being labelled as never able to change can lead to resistance. Reflect on how labels and expectations have influenced your own behaviour or personal growth. What might be the impact of releasing these expectations, both for yourself and your relationships?
Stephanie has mentioned the upcoming changes with her maternity leave and program offerings. Reflecting on transitions and periods of change in your own life, how do you prepare for such times? What changes have you observed in your attachment patterns during significant life transitions?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
Stephanie [00:00:27]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Now today's episode is a little bit special because I'm recording live from Bangkok of all places, and I'm joined by my partner, Joel. Hi, Joel.
Joel [00:00:49]:
Hi, guys.
Stephanie [00:00:51]:
So it's a bit of a funny story. I'm gonna expose how disorganised I am in telling the truth here, but we are on a holiday, and I didn't get around to recording a podcast episode before I left. So packed my podcast mic along with my laptop with a view to recording an episode for you from our hotel in Bangkok. And lo and behold, unbeknownst to us, our hotel in Bangkok has a podcast recording studio, which is just extremely unlikely, but, very opportune. So we are sitting here in a fully fledged podcast recording studio in our hotel in Bangkok, and we're gonna be talking all about some misconceptions about avoided attachment. So as you would know, if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, it's really important to me to rebalance the scales, I suppose, insofar as, you know, understanding avoidant attachment and extending a level of curiosity and compassion to that experience. Obviously, most of my work is around anxious attachment, but I think that it would be fair to say so much of the content all over the Internet and everywhere else is often centered on the anxious attachment experience. And to the extent that it talks about avoidant attachment, it's usually with a view to either demonising or trying to change your avoidant partner so that you feel better about the relationship.
Stephanie [00:02:16]:
And if you're familiar with my philosophy, notwithstanding the fact that I'm definitely, you know, have learned more anxious and have struggled with anxious avoidant dynamics in my relationship. I don't think that that approach in fact, I know that that approach of just looking for someone to blame and looking to explain away all of the problems of your relationship via, you know, what's wrong with your partner and what you can do about that tends not to be very fruitful, and it tends to actually keep you really stuck in places that are very disempowering. So it's always important to me to give a little more context to avoid detachment, to invite people to pause and to get curious and to step outside the self centeredness. And I say that, you know, descriptively rather than critically. But I think when we're in fear or we're in stress, we are naturally self centered. All of us, we are going to be focused on our experiences. That's what we know so deeply. But to step outside that self centeredness and really get to know what's going on for our partners, for the people we're in relationship with rather than designating that as wrong and trying to change it as our way of creating safety for ourselves.
Stephanie [00:03:34]:
So so what we're gonna be talking about today, some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment, so that you can maybe have a little more understanding, and just more depth of awareness, which I think is always a beautiful thing to be cultivating in your relationship. Now before we dive into that, a quick announcement that healing anxious attachment, which many of you will know is my signature program, is coming back soon. So in a few weeks' time, we're gonna be relaunching what will be the 7th cohort of the course, which is pretty cool. There are already a few hundred people on the wait list, which is amazing to see. I'm always so honored and humbled by the interest in this program. And this next round will be a particularly special one because it'll be the last one that I'll be running before I, check out for maternity leave for a good few months at least. So I don't know when the next round of the program will be, likely sometime later in the year. But no current plans for that as I will be playing it by ear a little with a new baby.
Stephanie [00:04:36]:
So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're interested in a program that's very comprehensive, that's been tried and tested by over 1500 people over the past 2 years, I would love for you to jump on the wait list via the link in the show notes or directly on my website, and doing so will guarantee you a spot in the program and also exclusive early bird discounts. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around common misconceptions about avoiding And I should have said in the introduction, Joel is not just sitting here next to me for the fun of it. He's here to weigh in and offer the perspective of someone who has more avoidant patterns. And, you know, while I've said many times before, and I'll say again here, that it's not like every avoidant person is the same. So it's not like Joel Joel can speak to, you know, the inner workings of the avoidant mind in a very generic and universal sense. But I think it is helpful, and I know from feedback from previous episodes where Joel's been involved, that it is really helpful to hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak, rather than just hearing it coming from me who is more an observer of that experience rather than in the driver's seat of it. So with that being said, the first misconception that we wanna talk about is that avoiding people have an aversion to relationships generally or don't want to be in relationships, that they are, you know, that they avoid relationships altogether.
Stephanie [00:06:12]:
I think that's a common one, I think, just because of the name avoidant. There's this sense of, like, avoidant people don't want to be in relationships, and I see that so much on, like, in comment sections, on Instagram, on YouTube. People say really blunt things like, well, well, if they don't wanna be in relationships, they should just go and live alone and die or something, you know, very kind of petulant and and ill thought through. But I think there is that sense of, like, well, if you don't wanna be in relationship, then why do you go around being in relationship? And I think that that just really misses what's happening when it comes to avoidant attachment. It's not so much an aversion to relationships. Right? And and many, I would say most people with avoidant patterns, remember we're talking about, like, up to 25% of the population here, maybe even more. Of course, most of those people seek out and are in relationships.
Stephanie[00:07:13]:
So it's really much more nuanced than just, oh, you don't like relationships. You don't like intimacy. You don't want that for yourself. It it's more that being in those situations can bring up a lot of stuff. And as it can for anxious people, it just tends to be different stuff and provoke different protective responses. But just because of the the life experience that people with avoidant attachment have had. It can mean that certain things about being in relationship can activate stress for them and can cause stress, and that stress is dealt within a variety of ways that kind of fall under this banner of what we call avoidant attachment.
Joel [00:08:00]:
Yeah. I think I'll input here for the avoidance. Yeah. It is a a misconception to say that avoidants don't wanna be in relationships. People who don't wanna be in relationships, by choice, aren't in relationships, but you find many avoidants in relationships. The difficulty there is generally around intimacy and getting close because the way that there's you know, I have seek security in this world is to spend time with myself, spend time to gather my thoughts, to regulate my emotions, and I find it really challenging doing that with someone else. And it's something that I've really had to work on. It doesn't mean I didn't wanna be in a relationship. It's just that I was having a very hard time being in a relationship
Joel [00:08:51]:
Because I was yet to develop that self awareness and develop the tools and and it really came down to the trust and having a loving partner, that wasn't just going to judge me from the surface judge me on the surface level. I think it's a really easy thing, and I can completely understand if, those who have been in relationships where it hasn't ended well and it you can you may come across some literature on attachment and just gonna make sweeping generalizations to a large part of the population, but it's it's not as simple as that. And on the other side, it's it's really the same with anxious attachment. You know, we don't wanna make sweeping generalizations for every individual. But I can say for sure that most people wanna be supported by other people, whether in a relationship, whether with family or friends. Some just find it more difficult.
Stephanie [00:09:57]:
Yeah. I think that, you know, ultimately and and the whole body of work around attachment is predicated on the notion that, like, we all have these fundamental attachment needs to be to love and be loved, to be cared for, you you know, to be seen, to be understood, to be validated, to feel like we belong. It's just that depending on the experiences that we've had and the patterns that we've developed, certain aspects of that can be harder to trust. And, you know, I think that it it is for avoidant folks. It's just like, I don't know how to simultaneously feel, and I know this is true for you, Joel. I don't know how to be that vulnerable with someone and and be that seen by them and still feel in control.
Joel [00:10:43]:
Yep.
Stephanie [00:10:44]:
And so I think that when those two things feel like they're competing, like, my sense of being in control of my own safety and, like, knowing how to take care of myself the way I always have, and also being connected to you. If I don't know how to hold those things together, often, safety will trump connection. Mhmm. And, you know, that is, again, true for all of us. So all of that to say, it's not an aversion to the idea of relationships. And and, of course, avoidant folks want all of that as much as anyone else does in most cases, it's just that it can bring up challenges for them as it can for the rest of us, but it just looks a little different. Okay. The next misconception about avoidant attachment is avoiding people only care about themselves. So this one could have sub bullets under it, which is, you know, avoiding people are selfish, avoiding people are narcissists, avoiding people are know, cold, callous, all of those labels that we often see being.
Joel [00:11:45]:
I read all the comments.
Stephanie [00:11:47]:
Yeah. We read the comments.
Joel [00:11:48]:
It hurts.
Stephanie [00:11:49]:
Yeah. It it is. It's not that's not really nice. Right? And, again, we can understand that if you've formed those views that you've probably been hurt, and that's real. But to then take that and extrapolate and, you know, make it mean something about people at a really fundamental essential level, I think, again, misses misses the truth and misses the nuance of, you know, people are in pain and people are, you know if if we wanna use the word selfish, again, I mentioned this in the last point, I think if we're gonna call someone selfish for the ways in which they protect themselves, we have to acknowledge that we too are selfish in the way that we protect ourselves. It's just if you happen to be more anxious in your attachment patterns, your agenda looks different, and it looks relationally focused.
Joel [00:12:45]:
More empathetic.
Stephanie [00:12:46]:
Yes. But it's we can be honest, and I, you know, put my hand up and can see this within myself that it's, you know, sometimes that doting self sacrifice, you know, overgiving, self abandoning thing is just coming from a place of, again, trying to create some semblance of safety or control for yourself. And, you know, that is with the strings attached of of, you know, what you need rather than, you know, giving without an agenda. So I think that, you know, we need to acknowledge that stress makes us all selfish. And when we are in relationship and we have insecure attachment patterns, there's generally a lot of stress in the system of that relationship. And so looking at someone who's more avoidant and labeling them selfish or uncaring because their mode of self protection is to pull back or, you know, pull away, you know, kind of go to their island. Again, I think it's just not capturing the full picture. And, you know, Joel, again, I can throw to you here. I know that you care very much.
Joel [00:14:01]:
Very deeply.
Stephanie [00:14:03]:
Yeah. And and that as with anyone, again, to be told that you don't care or that you're uncaring can feel like a deep injustice. There's such an incongruence between your internal experience and how it's being received, and that can lead you to shut down further. Right? Yeah. Because it's like, why why bother trying when I'm just like my efforts aren't landing here. I care so much, and yet I'm being told I'm uncaring.
Joel [00:14:27]:
Yeah. What it feels like is when I there's 2 ways I can take, if someone says, like, I don't care. It's like my knee jerk reaction is like, you have no no idea how much I care. Yeah. But you're not understanding how I express it or you just wanna see it in the way that you care for the world. And I think that's the trap that a lot of us get into. We have these unfair expectations of the world to mimic the way that we want to operate.
Stephanie [00:15:02]:
Yeah. If it were me, I would do this thing. So the fact that you're not doing that thing means you must feel differently to me.
Joel [00:15:08]:
Yeah. We have these unspoken contracts with the world. I care so deeply, to the point where I, and I'm working on it, is I foster a lot of guilt that I am not empathetic, I'm selfish, and this was probably the hardest thing about the decision to have kids is I fundamentally thought that I would be too selfish, and I would have these conversations over and over again with mates who happen to be fathers and, you know, fathers that are are much older than me. And a lot of the feedback I got was, if you think this much about it, you're gonna be okay. You care. And it it's just the expression, which might seem unfavorable to a lot of people, the way that avoidance show their care or or lack to be able to express their care and communicate it. But I'm not gonna talk for everyone here, but I think the majority of people care. The majority of people really wanna be cared for, I think we just have a really hard time communicating it and communicating intimacy, communicating our needs.
Stephanie [00:16:35]:
Yeah. And I think that, you know, with that anxious avoidant dynamic, we can acknowledge that oftentimes, I've spoken about this in different contexts, anxious folks all kind of ask for something, and then they might get it, but it's not enough because they're wanting their partner to fill a void inside of, like, I just need more reassurance, and I need to test, and I need to probe, kind of moving the goalposts a little because there is this really deep insecurity there that they're hoping their partner can somehow make go away. And so I think if we can step outside of that and go on to the other side and recognize that when you are putting in effort, but those efforts aren't being seen and all you're getting in response or, you know, the bulk of what you're getting in response is feedback saying still not enough, still not enough. I think that can be pretty disheartening. Yep. And
Joel [00:17:34]:
Will have the opposite effect.
Stephanie [00:17:38]:
Yeah. Why bother? Yeah. And so I think that that can really lead to disengagement and withdrawal in someone who's more avoidant. Whereas, again, it's a point of divergence between anxious and avoidant people. I think anxious people, it's like challenge accepted. I'll just try harder and harder and harder and harder and harder to get your validation, to get your approval. It's almost like there's no ceiling to that. Whereas avoidant people are, I think, more likely to sort of throw in the towel and say, why should I bother doing this? I'm not being appreciated for it. I'm not being seen for it. You're always upset with me. This isn't kind of this isn't worth it almost, because it seems to just completely lack any kind of efficacy. It's it's just, like, not effective. Okay. So the next one is of when people don't experience anxiety about their relationships. I think this is a really kind of funny one. Right? We think anxious attachment, they kind of have a monopoly on anxiety as an emotion, as an experience.
Stephanie [00:18:44]:
But the reality is avoidant attachment involves a lot of anxiety. Yeah. It just tends to be anxiety that swells around internally rather than anxiety that is acted out. And it kind of, you know, flows on nicely from the previous point around what you were saying, Joel, of, like, how much you can just, like, ruminate over things and and worry and think about things almost, I would say, more than I do, probably a lot more than I do. You know, the tendency to focus on potential worst case scenarios and all of the things that could go wrong, a lot of those hallmarks of anxiety are very much alive in in you. And, you know, to be fair, you are more in the the fearful avoidant or disorganized camp, which we know is high on both anxiety and avoidance. So that makes sense.
Joel [00:19:37]:
Yes. Good fun.
Stephanie [00:19:39]:
Keeps it interesting. But, yeah, I think to suggest that, like, avoidant attachment is somehow, like, devoid of anxiety as an emotion is, really, very much a misconception. And there is a lot of that, you know, worry and overthinking and, you know, worst case scenario kind of mentality. And that can be again, it's sort of like the same seed, but it sends you in different directions because I think for avoidant folks, it's like, oh, all of this paralyzing anxiety, I should just leave the relationship or, like, this must be a problem with the relationship, so I'll distance myself from that because then I'll get to distance myself from those feelings.
Stephanie [00:20:23]:
Whereas for more anxious people, it's like, I feel all this anxiety about my relationship. I have to change it or solve it so that I can get away from these feelings. If I can change you, then I won't feel anxious anymore. Yeah. Whereas for avoidant folks, it's like if I leave the relationship, I won't be anxious anymore. If I can
Joel [00:20:40]:
If I'm just by myself.
Stephanie [00:20:41]:
Yeah. Then I get to be away from these feelings.
Joel [00:20:44]:
Yeah. I think, yeah, I think it's a really it comes down to I feel like we really need to change the branding of attachment styles. I I prefer the original, you know, disorganized. It's a little bit more flattering than avoidant because avoidant has pretty pretty bad rap of a it's a it's a negative word. You know, we avoid things because we're in fear of them or scared of them, and I don't think that's necessarily the case all the time, with both dismissive and fearful avoidance. But, yes, we experience anxiety just like everyone else everyone else except for our secure friends.
Stephanie [00:21:30]:
I think probably they even still experience anxiety. It's just not quite to the same degree.
Joel [00:21:34]:
But, yeah, as Steph said, I'm more likely to I say, I'm more likely 100% of the time. I'm going to internalize it first. And it's just the way that I've been able to, I guess, operate during my life in this world is to try and to understand my place in it and and what is safe and what is not. And I've always been a a deep thinker and overthinking and and and rumination, something that I'm still working through. At the moment, I'm working through this, more of the anxiety stuff, with a a therapist at the moment. But, yeah, I definitely experience all the anxiety, and it particularly comes up, and for a lot of fearful avoidants, when our relationship is is at its hardest times and especially through separation, you'll notice there is actually a lot of, like, anxious attachment patterns in fearful avoidance during breakups. Like, we can both completely be in denial, and maybe that will last for a few weeks, and then we have, like, a strong emotional pull and and morning, that is really, really deep, and we really go through this fear of, you know, I'm never gonna meet someone like that again. And it took so much effort for me to open up to someone else. Like, I don't know if I can do that again. It is. We have we have deep anxieties, but it may not be expressed in the way that is either optimal or favorable to other people.
Stephanie [00:23:34]:
Yeah. I think that, my observation of that through being in relationship with you is like that when you are feeling threatened in some way, it tends to be a more avoidant response. But if there's any, like, insecurity or fear about the future of the relationship or anything like that, that tends to bring out more of the the anxiety that is more typical of anxious attachment patterns. So, there's definitely a full spectrum of experience there. I think it's just really a reminder that even though it can look different, and and will tend to be internalized rather than acted out in more typical anxious attachment fashion. That doesn't mean that the underlying anxieties aren't there. And, you know, I would say, as I would say to anxious people, that, like, yeah, anxiety happens when we care a lot about something. And so it kinda goes back to the the previous point, but like, yeah, when when we're invested in something, when something's important to us, then it can bring up a lot of fear and worry and, you know, wanting to derisk and worrying about the worst case scenario. All of those things, I think, go hand in hand. Okay. The last one that we wanna share, misconception about avoidant attachment, is avoidant people never change.
Joel [00:24:57]:
We don't.
Stephanie [00:24:59]:
That's it. No. That one's actually true. No. Just kidding. Yeah. I think, again, like, sweeping generalization, right, avoiding people never change. I think there is some truth in the fact that for some avoidant people, particularly those with more dismissive patterns, there can be a pretty strong resistance to doing the work, so to speak, particularly in the manner that people with more anxious patterns might like to do it.
Stephanie [00:25:26]:
For example, listening to podcasts like this or doing a course or reading a book. You know, I, I had someone ask me on Instagram the other day about, you know, I'm doing all of this reading and that, and my partner's not doing any, and it's so unfair, and why should I be the one doing it all? And I I think it's a very common sentiment, and it's a common frustration. But at the same time, I think we have to recognize, as I've spoken about before, that, the work, so to speak, looks different for everyone. We can't reasonably impose our own, expectations of what that has to look like in someone else's process, and that will very reliably elicit more resistance and defensiveness in them. But in any event, to suggest that someone will never change, I kind of have a problem with that more broadly when people say, like, oh, people never change. You know? Like, I just that's so fundamentally at odds with my personal experience of myself and so many other people, I think we are all changing all the time.
Joel [00:26:38]:
Yeah.
Stephanie [00:26:39]:
But I think when you're saying like, oh, well, these people are never gonna change or is my partner gonna change? I think we have to get a little bit more curious about, like, is my partner like, can I accept my partner as they are while also wanting to be in a relational environment of growth and, you know, continued investment in ourselves and each other? Mhmm. But I think that's a very different proposition to, like, requiring someone to change as some sort of condition of being in the relationship, which, you know,tends not to work terribly well.
Joel [00:27:17]:
It's you have to hold you must have to hold 2 opposing ideas. Something's gotta change here, but also this person who's in front of me, I love. And those two things can coexist. Yeah. I find it also a little bit irritating, when I do hear this because it makes me assume that someone isn't changing at your pace, at your rate. And I can guarantee most people all the time are changing and they're learning, and it's we can't force feed people audiobooks or books. We can't force people to sit down and, quote, unquote, do the work. But if you're having honest conversations, if you really care for this person and you care about the relationship, I think it will change over time.
Stephanie [00:28:25]:
Yeah. I think it's it's all about and, you know, I talk about this so much. It's like change the environment of your relationship rather than trying to change your partner. And if you are doing your part to contribute to an overall relational environment that is characterized by love and care and support and acceptance, appreciation, generosity, all of the things that you want your relationship to be about. Just tend to the environment and trust it. Like things will grow better in a healthier environment rather than staying, swirling around in a really dysfunctional environment and wondering why nothing's growing there. It's like, really ask yourself, are the conditions that I am maybe not single handedly creating, but contributing to or perpetuating. Are those like conducive to growth? Do they inspire growth? Or is it like a high stress, high blame, you know, dysfunctional, disconnected relational landscape? And you know, can I really be surprised that growth isn't happening here? So I, I think it is really just about like, you know, people do change and grow Yeah and will continue.
Joel [00:29:45]:
Yeah. You've you've absolutely should have changed quite a bit. I I reflect on this a lot because, you know, as we're coming up to having a child, it's made me reflect really on how fast life comes at you and, you know, sudden sudden news or or life changes can really propel you into a different direction so quickly. And over reflecting in the last 3 to 4 years, I'm like, oh, I don't even if I was being honest with myself and I I look back on little entries or journal entries, and they might just be a few words or or a couple of lines, I'm like, oh, okay. I'm I'm I'm changing. And I like to look back, and I wanna my goal is to just laugh at myself and just or what like we were talking about today, just look back and just realize, like, how young you were. Like, how young was I a year ago? Like, how silly was I?
Stephanie [00:30:38]:
Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's true. I think, you know, in the course of our relationship past couple of years, we've both changed and grown.
Joel [00:30:48]:
And we've had to work on it.
Stephanie [00:30:49]:
Yeah. We've had to work on it a lot. So all of that to say, change is is always possible. I guess it's just, you know, if it's going to be like really inspired to grow, then we're going to be growing in the same direction, the way that's aligned. You really do need to tend to those environmental factors, tend to the conditions, tend to the climate of your relationship, and trust that whatever growth needs to happen will happen organically on those foundations, rather than like kind of having your hands around someone's neck or, you know, shaking them violently saying, why won't you change to suit me, because you're causing me pain at the moment? I don't think that that's that's tends not to be a very effective strategy. So those were some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. I might just quickly recap that because, gosh, we ramble on for a bit there. So the first one was avoiding people having aversion to relationships.
Stephanie [00:31:47]:
They don't want to be in relationships. Second one was avoiding people only care about themselves or selfish, narcissistic, all of those labels that we can slap on. The third was avoiding people don't experience anxiety about their relationships. And the 4th was that avoiding people never change or can't change. So I hope that that's been helpful. I hope it's given you a new perspective on some of those points, given you some insights about things that you maybe didn't quite appreciate or some some nuances there. And as we said at the start, if you are someone who is more anxious and you're wanting to work on that through the support of my program, definitely check out Healing Anxious Attachment, the wait list, which you can join via my website. I suppose I should probably add at the end as well given what we were talking about today and the fact that you're here, Joel.
Stephanie [00:32:38]:
We also have a couples course called Secure Together, which we created last year. So Joel is my co coach, I suppose, in that one and presents the avoidant side of the the street. And that's a really great course for for anxious avoidant couples to work through together, or if you're in a relationship and you wanna work through it just to understand your relationship and your partner better. And we've had some really beautiful feedback about that, particularly, you know, Joel's presence there and how for a lot of people's partners who were more avoidant that that really created a lot of safety for them and allowed them to feel, like, a lot less intimidated, I suppose, about the whole idea of sitting down and doing a couple's course, which we know might not be the most appealing invitation for some folks who do lean more avoidant. So you can also check out Secure Together if, you're in a relationship and wanting to work on some of the things we've talked about today. And, there's a discount code to save $200. So if you insert the code secure, you can save $200 on that course. Okay.
Stephanie [00:33:43]:
That's all from us today. We are signing off from Bangkok, and look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
Joel [00:33:50]:
Bye, guys.
Stephanie [00:33:53]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
accepting your partner, relationship growth, supportive environment, organic change, personal growth, impending parenthood, misconceptions about avoidant attachment, Healing Anxious Attachment program, Secure Together discount code, attachment styles, self-awareness in relationships, trust in relationships, fundamental attachment needs, vulnerability and control, selfishness in avoidant attachment, uncaring avoidant misconception, expressing care in relationships, anxious-avoidant dynamic, feeling unappreciated, validation and approval, withdraw in relationships, internal anxiety, overthinking in attachment, worst-case scenario mentality, fearful avoidant attachment, anxious attachment patterns, resistance to change, constant individual change, On Attachment podcast, intimacy and closeness struggles.