#209: 5 Green Flags in Early Dating
When it comes to dating advice, there’s no shortage of talk about red flags—what to avoid, what to be cautious of, how to spot trouble early. And while discernment is absolutely important, constantly scanning for danger can leave us feeling anxious, defensive, and disconnected from the very thing we’re seeking: connection.
Especially for those with anxious attachment patterns, this “threat detection” mindset can make early dating feel more like an emotional minefield than an opportunity for genuine connection.
So, instead of focusing on everything that could go wrong, let’s talk about what it looks like when things are going right.
Here are five green flags to look for in early dating—qualities that signal emotional maturity, compatibility, and potential for a healthy relationship.
1. They Remember the Details
One of the simplest but most meaningful green flags is when someone remembers details you’ve shared.
It might sound basic, but in a world of distractions and swipe culture, presence is rare—and deeply valuable.
When someone brings up something you’ve mentioned before (“How was that trip to Spain you told me about?”), it shows they’re listening, paying attention, and genuinely interested in getting to know you.
This kind of attentiveness reflects emotional availability. It’s not about grand gestures—it’s about presence, curiosity, and care.
2. You Feel Relaxed and at Ease Around Them
If you tend toward anxiety in early dating, you might not feel completely calm—and that’s okay. But notice whether, underneath the natural nerves, your body feels safe around this person.
Do you find yourself able to laugh, be playful, or speak freely without overthinking every word?
Do you feel like you can just be yourself?
Our nervous systems are wise. When you feel more at ease with someone—when the energy feels balanced, not performative—that’s your body’s way of saying, “I can exhale here.”
That sense of calm and playfulness often signals relational safety and mutual respect.
3. They Share Openly (Without Oversharing or Withholding)
Healthy communication isn’t about dumping your entire life story on the second date—but it’s also not about hiding behind vagueness or deflection.
A green flag is when someone shares appropriately—they’re open and genuine about who they are, their life, and what matters to them. They don’t dodge questions, change the subject, or seem evasive.
When someone can talk about their past or their feelings in a grounded way, it often signals emotional intelligence and self-acceptance. They’re comfortable enough in themselves that they don’t need to hide or perform.
4. Their Actions Match Their Words
This one’s simple but powerful: consistency is a form of respect.
If someone says they’ll call, they call. If they say they’ll text you after the weekend, they follow through.
Inconsistency—saying one thing and doing another—is one of the most common triggers for those with anxious attachment. It can send you spiraling into overthinking and uncertainty.
So when someone communicates clearly, follows through, and acknowledges if plans change, that reliability is deeply regulating for your system. It’s a sign of emotional maturity and integrity—and a foundation for trust.
5. There’s Mutual Effort and Initiative
If you’ve historically been the one doing most of the emotional heavy lifting in relationships—planning, texting, checking in—this one’s for you.
A true green flag is balanced effort. They reach out. They initiate plans. They show consistent interest without leaving everything up to you.
Mutual investment means both people are tending to the connection. You’re not chasing, proving, or performing—you’re simply participating in something that feels reciprocal.
That steady, shared energy is what allows healthy relationships to grow without constant anxiety or over-functioning.
The Bigger Picture
Green flags aren’t about perfection—they’re about patterns of care, consistency, and connection.
When you look for what feels good—rather than what might go wrong—you start dating from a place of grounded curiosity instead of fear.
So pay attention to who makes you feel calm, seen, and valued.
Because that’s where healthy love begins.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about five green flags to look for in early dating. So I think a lot of the conversation around dating tends to focus on warning signs or red flags or things to look out for. And while of course, discernment is important and while having clear standards and boundaries is important, this is something I teach in pretty much all of my programmes. I also think that the tendency in the broader discourse to focus on all of the things that could go wrong and all of the ways in which people are out to get you is really unhelpful and particularly for people who are anxious. As a starting point, and I've done many episodes in the past about anxiety in early dating and why it makes so much sense that people with anxious attachment patterns would experience a lot of anxiety in early dating due to the inherent uncertainty and all of our tendencies towards people pleasing and approval seeking and maybe struggling with insecurities and low self esteem, all of that really primes us to feel quite vulnerable and a little wobbly when it comes to early dating.
[00:01:44]:
And so I think with that as the backdrop, layering in all of this advice that's telling you about all of the red flags and all of the narcissists and the love bombing and all of that stuff, that if you've been around here a while, you would know that I don't really buy into, and I certainly don't use that language in my work. I think that orienting towards green flags or things to look for traits and qualities that we are seeking and that might serve as a really good sign and an indicator that a connection is worth investing in, I think that's a conversation that's certainly worth having and it can allow us to orient away from a threat detection mindset which is only going to increase our anxiety into one that feels like we're grounded in agency, but is ultimately hopeful and optimistic and allows us to be paying attention to and notice all of the goodness that might be there in a connection that we're exploring. So I think that that reframing can really help us and particularly if you are someone who tends towards stress and anxiety generally. And in dating, I'm hoping that this Episode will offer you a new way to think and feel about dating and maybe even make you feel excited about the prospect of going out and meeting people and building connection. And if you are someone who's struggling with anxious attachment and deal with all of the trials and tribulations of dating and relationships, consider checking out my free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love. As I've spoken about many times before, I think whether you are single or dating or in a relationship, there's always stuff that you can be doing. I think every stage of life offers us opportunities to grow and to learn and discover things about ourselves and, you know, different challenges. So there's never a bad time to devote to doing that work on ourselves.
[00:03:36]:
And it can be a really beautiful season of life if you are actively dating to be doing the work on yourself alongside that from a place of really wanting to gift that to a future version of you. So consider checking out my free training on my anxious attachment starter kit as a nice free introduction to going a little deeper into this work. Okay, so let's talk about these five green flags to look for in early dating. The first one is that they remember details that you've shared with them and they really pay attention. So I think this is really about presence. And, you know, now more than ever, I think presence is a very valuable currency. It's something that particularly, I think, in dating culture and obviously, you know, with dating apps being so widely used. And as a side note, I don't think there's anything wrong with dating apps.
[00:04:24]:
I just think they're a tool, they're a mechanism. And, you know, if used intentionally, they can be an amazing way to meet or all sorts of people that you would otherwise never have exposure to. But obviously the downside is that they can perpetuate this fast food kind of dating culture where you just swipe and swipe and swipe and swipe. In the same way that we can mindlessly consume Instagram reels or a TikTok feed, we can find ourselves mindlessly consuming and swiping past people as if they're not really people at all. And I think that that kind of way of approaching dating can really detract seeing these people as humans. And so I think it's a really, really positive sign if you've connected with someone and you've been chatting, whether you've maybe been on a couple of dates and you feel like they're interested in what you're saying. They care about getting to know you and they're really paying attention. And I think that remembering things that you've told them previously and, you know, bringing that up again in conversation or saying, oh yeah, I remember you told me that you'd been to Spain when you were 21, things like that, it really shows a level of interest and investment that I think is a really positive sign.
[00:05:37]:
It might sound very entry level and frankly it kind of is. But in a culture where people's attention is so fleeting and you know, particularly again, in dating where someone might be talking to a lot of different people at once, feeling like someone is really present with you and cares about what you have to say and finds you interesting enough that they're paying attention and remembering things and bringing those up again, I think that's a really positive sign. Okay, the second green flag is that you feel relaxed, at ease and playful around them. So, of course, disclaimer here. If you're someone who struggles a lot with anxiety and anxious attachment, you're probably not going to feel completely relaxed and at ease in early dating at any point. Maybe you will, but often you won't, and that's fine. That doesn't have to be about the other person. That can just be because you're a bit nervous.
[00:06:29]:
But putting that kind of general anxious feeling that you might be having when you're really excited about someone new, putting that to one side, we do really want to be tracking how does my nervous system feel around this person? And I think that generally feeling relaxed and at ease and like I don't have to be frantically overthinking everything or tiptoeing or planning what I say or feeling like I have to impress them and feeling like I can even be playful, that we can joke together that we have a similar sense of humour, that things kind of feel light and somewhat easeful. I think that's a really, really positive sign. Because the truth is, our body is picking up on so much information. And this is particularly so if you've been on a few dates or you've actually met in person rather than just messaging each other. You know, we take in so much information that is below the level of our conscious mind. And if you're able to feel somewhat relaxed and spacious and connected and calm around them, then that's a really good sign that your body is registering them as a saf safe person. And that is not to be underestimated because obviously, you know, a huge tenet of all of my work is that feeling safe in the body and the nervous system is so central to building Safe and healthy relationships. So if you do find that you can relax and be yourself and not overthink everything and not feel like you have to bend over backwards to try and get their attention or get their approval, you can speak freely.
[00:08:01]:
All of those things are really positive signs that there's a sense of balance in the relationship too. Right. Because I think we tend not to feel that way if either we've put someone on a pedestal and we're idolising them and thinking they're so much better than us, or if they're withholding in some way such that there is this power asymmetry, that experience of feeling quite at ease and light and relaxed around each other generally signifies that there's a nice balance of power there, which is what we want. Okay. The next green flag is that they disclose appropriately about their life. So anxiously attached people have this tendency to disclose everything all at once, very upfront, almost in the realm of, like, dumping their whole emotional history onto someone. And I think oftentimes that can be coming from a place of transparency equals intimacy. And we have this sense of, you know, let me bear my deepest soul to you, and then we'll be so connected and we'll be bonded by that.
[00:09:01]:
And I think that can go too far. It can lack boundaries. And so having some discernment around our own disclosure and pacing that in an appropriate way is a good thing to be mindful of. But in terms of what to look for in other people, we do want to find this sweet spot of someone is open. It feels like they're sharing parts of their life and their history with me. They're not being cagey or evasive or guarding things away or being a bit shifty and changing the subject in ways that feel a bit off or uncomfortable. I mean, again, obviously, we don't want to be like, asking someone, tell me about your most traumatic experience on the second date. That's probably more a function of our anxiety and our desire to just go deep quickly, to skip through all of the early uncertainty of getting to know someone, but again, using kind of reasonableness and discernment.
[00:09:57]:
Do you get a sense that someone's holding a lot back and maybe not telling the full story? What do you feel like they are relaxed and open in their sharing and, you know, giving you context for their life and their friends and their work and all of that in a way that doesn't feel really curated? I think that's a very, very positive sign. And it signals to me secure attachment in them. It's not a guarantee of secure attachment, of course, but it signals like they're not really deep in shame or overthinking or people pleasing or needing to put forward a certain version of themselves that isn't honest. So if you do this sense that they're disclosing appropriately, that's a good sign that they're comfortable in who they are because they don't feel the need to, you know, put a mask on or hide away parts of themselves or their history or their life because, you know, they haven't processed it. Okay, green flag number four is their actions match their words. So we really want to have this sense of consistency, reliability, consideration, all of those things kind of basic decency, but seem to get lost on lot in modern dating where people can be kind of flaky or non committal or evasive. So it's such a positive sign if someone is really communicative and reliable and consistent and their actions match their words. If they say they're going to call, they call.
[00:11:21]:
If they say they're going to message you and update you on how their weekend was, they do it. And to the extent that there's any departure from doing what they said they were going to do, they acknowledge it and they explain. So really having this sense of they're not leaving me guessing, there's not this like, oh, what's going on? And should I message or shouldn't I message? Because they said they would, but they haven't. And I wonder if they've like, you just don't have to go into the mystery and the game playing and the detective and all of that because everything's kind of out in the open and it's, it's moving along in the way that you expected and like there isn't this massive gap between what we agreed and what's actually happening or what you said and what you're doing. That kind of consistency is going to be so soothing for the anxiously attached system that is so trained to be on the lookout. The other shoe dropping. When does everything turn? When do you start pulling away? When does your communication change and become more cold and withdrawn? Your system's going to be so primed to look for that change because that's really at the heart of so much of the anxious attachment pattern and blueprint. So having someone who doesn't do that, who doesn't suddenly change and become cold and withdrawn, who doesn't say they're going to call you and then they disappear all weekend and you don't hear from them, that's going to be Very healing for.
[00:12:40]:
And that's a very positive sign that this is worth investing in because that, you know, that's a solid foundation of a potentially really healthy relationship is having that consistency and reliability and open communication from day one. Okay? And last but not least, there is mutual effort, investment and initiative. So again, you might feel, if you're someone with anxious attachment patterns, you might not really know what that feels like because you might be so accustomed to being the pursuer, to being the one who's thinking about the relationship and putting in the effort and closing the gap and reaching out and doing all of that work in the relationship. So that might just be your normal, such that you don't even really register that you do it. But a really good sign, a very green flag to look for, is this sense of someone with steady sustained effort, that they are reaching out regularly, that they are suggesting dates, that they're carrying some of the mental load of planning things, that it's not all resting with you to check in on them and see if they want to hang out and see how they're going and maybe suggest could we catch up and like I'll go to their place or I'll go to wherever is convenient for them. If you're starting a relationship with one sidedness and you're over functioning straight out of the gate, that's setting up a status quo that you probably don't want down the track. So having this sense of, you know, not scorekeeping but an overall feeling of balance and quid pro quo in terms of effort and investment and care, I think that's a really good sign and something that you should look for and value in people that you're dating because again, that allows you to pull back from those chasing instincts that you might have, those proving and over functioning behaviours that might feel very natural to you. This is an opportunity for those to, to take a backseat, to rest and for you to try something different.
[00:14:41]:
And that's ultimately what all of this work of healing is about. It's not just about learning, it's about putting into practise new ways of doing things in relationships that might be uncomfortable at first but ultimately end up being much more regulating and soothing and healthy for our system. So I hope that that was helpful. And you know, even if you're not dating at the moment, I think those are really good green flags for relationships more broadly. Certainly good things to look out for in those early stages stages, but great qualities for any relationship dynamic to have. So even if you're not at that stage I hope it's given you something to reflect on in terms of the traits and qualities that you want to be fostering in your own relationship. So I hope that that's been helpful. Thanks so much for joining me guys and I look forward to seeing you again next week.
[00:15:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, dating, green flags, red flags, anxious attachment, insecurity, boundaries, early dating, relationship coach, anxiety, people pleasing, approval seeking, self esteem, vulnerability, dating apps, presence, connection, nervous system, emotional disclosure, intimacy, safe relationships, secure attachment, reliability, consistency, open communication, mutual effort, investment, initiative, healthy relationships, over functioning