Am I People-Pleasing or Just Being Nice?
In today's episode, we're talking all about people-pleasing: what it is, why we do it, and how it's different to "just being a nice person". For many of us, people pleasing is second nature. We are so accustomed to accommodating others and burying our own feelings and needs that we don't even realise we're doing it.
Unfortunately, this typically leads us to feel disconnected, lonely and exhausted - not to mention it usually backfires insofar as building healthy relationships is concerned.
The Difference Between People-Pleasing and Being Kind
Relationships play a crucial role in shaping our lives, and the way we attach to others can greatly impact our experiences. In today's fast-paced world, the topic of people-pleasing frequently comes up in conversations about relationships and self-awareness. People often wrestle with the question: "Am I a people pleaser or just a nice person?" This internal conflict can lead to confusion and anxiety, creating a need for clarity.
Understanding People-Pleasing:
People-pleasing is more than just being kind or considerate. It is a learned strategy aimed at gaining control and ensuring safety in relationships. It involves micromanaging interactions, opinions, and emotions to maintain approval and acceptance. When people-pleasing becomes ingrained in our behaviour, it can lead to a loss of self-identity and a disconnect from our authentic desires and values.
Effects of People-Pleasing:
The constant need to please others can leave us feeling exhausted, as we portray a version of ourselves that is not entirely genuine. We might find ourselves trapped in a facade, unable to break free from the expectations we have set. Alternatively, if our attempts at people-pleasing don't yield the desired results, we can be overwhelmed by feelings of failure and disappointment. Moreover, the prolonged focus on catering to others can leave us with a deep sense of loneliness, as we lose touch with our own needs and values.
Differentiating Kindness from People-Pleasing:
Kindness, on the other hand, stems from a place of authenticity and empathy, rather than being a calculated strategy. A genuinely kind person does not seek to control outcomes or seek validation through their actions. True kindness is not burdened by the fear of disapproval or rejection. It exists without an agenda or the need for external validation. When we address the underlying fears and wounds that drive people-pleasing tendencies, we can connect with our kindness in a more authentic and liberated manner.
Recognising the Human Experience:
It's important to remember that occasional instances of adapting to social dynamics or seeking approval are part of the human experience. We all engage in these behaviours from time to time, and it's natural to adjust our behaviour in different social contexts. However, the concern arises when these adjustments become the primary way we navigate the world, and we lose touch with our genuine selves.
Embracing Authenticity:
Embracing authenticity and asserting our true selves may initially feel uncomfortable, especially if we have been entrenched in people-pleasing patterns for a long time. It requires making peace with the fact that not everyone will like us, and that's okay. Accepting this reality grants us the freedom to express ourselves genuinely, without the need for external validation or control. It offers a path to self-discovery and a deeper connection with others.
Healing and Growth:
At the core of addressing people-pleasing tendencies is the need to tend to the underlying wounds and fears. This process involves showing compassion and understanding to the parts of ourselves that yearn for approval and fear rejection. By acknowledging and nurturing these vulnerable aspects, we can embark on a journey of healing and personal growth.
Moving Forward:
Recognising the distinction between people-pleasing and kindness empowers us to navigate relationships and interactions with greater authenticity. It allows us to form genuine connections with others and fosters a deeper sense of self-awareness. Embracing our authentic selves provides a profound sense of liberation and opens the door to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
Conclusion:
The journey from people-pleasing to genuine kindness is a transformative one. By cultivating awareness of our behaviours and motivations, we can release the grip of people-pleasing tendencies and embrace a more authentic way of relating to others. It's a journey that requires courage, self-compassion, and a willingness to explore and nurture our true selves. As we embark on this journey, we can create deeper connections, reclaim our sense of identity, and experience the profound freedom that comes with embracing authenticity.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself often trying to please others in your relationships? How does this impact your sense of self?
Are you aware of any underlying fears or wounds that may drive your people-pleasing behaviours? How can you tend to these underlying emotions?
Reflect on a time when you felt the need to constantly shape-shift or contort yourself to fit in or avoid conflict. How did this impact your sense of authenticity and self-worth?
Have you ever felt the pressure to earn approval and validation from others at the expense of your true self? How did this make you feel, and what underlying emotions might be at play?
Consider a situation where you felt the need to hide or suppress parts of yourself in order to be accepted by others. How did this impact your ability to form genuine connections and relationships?
Have you ever felt burnt out or resentful due to constantly seeking approval and validation from others? How did this affect your mental and emotional well-being?
Reflect on a time when you felt afraid of not being liked or approved of by others. What underlying wounds or fears do you think might be contributing to this fear?
Have you ever felt like you were performing for others rather than being your true self? How did this impact your confidence and self-awareness?
Do you struggle with the concept of self-trust and asserting yourself in relationships? How can you work on building trust in your own intuition and authenticity?
In what ways can you cultivate a greater sense of authenticity and self-worth, free from the need for constant approval and validation from others?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment Black Friday Sale
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Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about people pleasing. So this is a topic that I've touched on before on the show and is one that I'm sure a lot of people can relate to. It's one of those terms that I think bounces around so much in the world of Insta therapy and lots of online content.
[00:00:53]:
But I'm prompted to talk about this today by a question that I received on Instagram yesterday, which was, how do I know if I'm a people pleaser or if I'm just a nice person? And I thought it was a good question because for a lot of people I think it can be a little confusing. And something I see all the time is this tendency to almost police our own behaviours and worry that, oh, am I being empathetic because I'm empathetic, or am I being empathetic because I'm manipulative or self sacrificing? And I think we can almost create more anxiety for ourselves because we don't have clarity around what the difference is and what distinguishes one thing from another. And I think, spoiler alert, it's rarely that we're one or the other. It's not that people pleasing means you can't be a nice person. People pleasing is just one of many strategies that you might have picked up along the way, as a way to keep yourself safe, as a way to navigate relationships when you didn't know any better. But as with so many of these subconscious patterns and strategies, they can follow us through life and they can become part of our identity, or at least so second nature, that we actually don't know what the alternative looks like. It feels so foreign to us to do things differently. And so, as always, I'm hoping that by shining a bit of a light on that and cultivating more awareness of what distinguishes people pleasing from just being a nice person and how you can maybe release the grip on some of those people pleasing behaviours and start to tend to the underlying wounds that drive those behaviours, then you are free to be your kind, generous, loving self without an agenda or without strings attached.
[00:02:50]:
And I also think that when we stop with the people pleasing all the time, it allows us to form far more genuine connections. Because when we're people pleasing much of the time, we're pretending. And it's hard to form an authentic relationship when you're not really letting someone see you, when you are just mirroring back to them what you think they want to hear or who you think they want you to be. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that quick announcement, that healing anxious attachment you've probably heard me share over the past week or two, healing anxious attachment is coming back next week, just in time for Black Friday. There's already about 1300 people on the waitlist, which is wonderful. Those on the waitlist are going to get access to the Black Friday sale, which is the lowest price I've offered the course at since the very first round I ever ran of the programme over 18 months ago. So if you're at all interested, now is a really good time.
[00:03:53]:
If maybe you've been on the fence previously, if the timing hasn't been right, maybe it's been a bit of a stretch. Financially, this round is a really great one to join because it is just that little bit more affordable. And I'm also including some exciting bonuses like a live Q and A with me. Ordinarily that has been a paid upgrade, but this time I'm including it for everybody. So if you're interested, the link to join the waitlist is in the show notes, or you can head directly to my website and you should be able to find that. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around people pleasing. So, as I said in the introduction, I think that people pleasing is a strategy. And I think it's mostly a strategy to feel more in control.
[00:04:41]:
That somewhere along the way we learned that keeping ourselves safe meant micromanaging our relationships, micromanaging other people's opinions of us, micromanaging other people's emotions, and that it was our responsibility to work really hard to do that by saying, by deferring to what other people want, what other people think, what other people expect, adopting their opinions as our own, going with the flow all the time, even when it doesn't really work for us, saying yes, when we may know all of these things that I think really can lead to an abandonment of self and really a loss of self. And you would know, if you've listened to the podcast for a while, that I think that disconnection with self is really at the heart of anxious attachment. Oftentimes we think that if I can just prioritise the relationship and keep the relationship intact and give of myself incessantly to this person, this relationship, then that's all I need. That's what's going to keep me safe. That's what's going to make me happy, then I'll be okay. But the way that we go about this can really lead us astray. Because not only as I alluded to in the introduction, does it actually make it much harder to connect with someone in any authentic way. When we're adopting all of these masks, when we are contorting ourselves, when we're shapeshifting, when we're one person one day and another person the next day, when we're subduing certain parts of ourselves and then amplifying parts of ourselves that maybe aren't very true to us all in this effort, this tireless effort to be liked, to be approved of, to be accepted, to belong, I think that it's really, really exhausting.
[00:06:43]:
And what I often see happen is you'll either end up in this scenario where it works, so to speak, in that you get the validation and the approval that you're seeking by playing that game. But then that means that you're kind of locked into that, right? You're locked into the facade. It's sort of like if you tell a lie and then you get stuck in it and you've just got to keep perpetuating it on and on because that's the representation that you've made and you're kind of stuck with it. I think the same can be true when we are pretending in our relationships, when we're not being fully honest or authentic in the way that we represent ourselves. And so I think either it works and you're trapped in the falsehood of being someone that you aren't, or it doesn't work in that the person that you're trying to impress, the person whose love you're trying to earn, doesn't want you or rejects you or doesn't approve of you in the way that you would hope. And then you feel like a failure because you've convinced yourself that it's your job to make them feel a certain way about you and that that's within your control to engineer that outcome. And I think that that's really an illusion that we have that much control. My therapist always says that you're less powerful than you think in the context of when you are someone who thinks that you can orchestrate all of those things and manage everyone's emotions and control the way everyone thinks.
[00:08:15]:
About you. I think sometimes it's a good reminder you're not that powerful. Right? So good to be humbled in some ways, when we notice ourselves going into those patterns of thinking that it is our job to manage all of that. Because, as I said, it's really exhausting and often leaves us feeling empty and like a failure. And to make matters worse, we don't really know who we are because we've spent such a long time in that mode of flip flopping and just trying to make everyone else happy. And we don't even really know who we are, what we want, what we think, what we feel. And there's a real grief that comes with that, a real loneliness that comes with not knowing yourself. I've said before, much of the time when I work with anxiously attached folks, and part of the work will be to get clearer around your values, your needs, your wants.
[00:09:13]:
And most of the time people are really stumped because they've never really thought about it. All they've ever done, all they've ever known is to mirror the wants, needs, values of the people around them, to adopt those things as their own, as a way to fit in or to not rock the boat and not be difficult, because we've absorbed some sort of message that to be different is to be difficult, and to be difficult is to be unlovable. And I think that, again, that makes a lot of sense, if that's been your story. But as with so many of these patterns, it's really important to recognise that whatever environment we were in that gave rise to those patterns. We're not there anymore. And we are adults with choice and responsibility, and we don't have to keep operating on the same painful autopilot that has gotten us to where we are. We can learn a new way, even if it's uncomfortable. And it will be uncomfortable to contemplate the possibility of asserting yourself, of advocating for yourself, of disagreeing with someone and maybe having them think poorly of you.
[00:10:32]:
Making your peace with the fact that not everyone will like you, and that you can't control that if you want to be yourself. I think that there is a real freedom that comes with that, once you can make your peace with it, but it is, as a starting point, really uncomfortable if that's not been your way. I know a lot of people really can't tolerate the idea that someone's angry at them, that someone's disappointed in them, that someone thinks they're rude. Any of these things can feel really threatening to your whole identity, your whole sense of self, which is crafted on being nice and easy going and not causing a fuss, not rocking the boat. If that's been really fundamental to how you identify yourself, then the idea of departing from that can be really uncomfortable. But often it's part of the journey. Now to return to the original question, which was, how is this different to just being a nice person? I think essentially just being a nice person, just being kind, being generous, being loving, being authentic. It's not based in strategy.
[00:11:35]:
It's not something that you are thinking about a lot. You're not calculating, you're not working really hard behind the scenes to manufacture a certain outcome. And indeed, you're not actually all that invested in an outcome or attached to an outcome. You're not monitoring someone's response to you. And then if they don't respond the way you think they should have, or you'd hoped that they would, then that's a problem. And you feel like you've failed, or you feel like there's something very wrong, and you take it personally and you think about it and you dwell on it. Maybe you feel a lot of shame or stress. I don't think that just being kind has that sort of emotional baggage or residue attached to it.
[00:12:19]:
I think once you tend to the underlying fears and wounds, you're able to be kind and generous and loving without fear, without an agenda, without strings attached, without feeling like you do need to control, or that your sense of self is tethered to the way that someone responds to you. And I do want to mention as well, because I think, as I said, with terms like people pleasing, I think we can take it to extremes and pathologize ourselves if we notice ourselves ever doing this. And I think, let's be honest, we all do this from time to time. We all people please. We all adapt ourselves to certain situations and people and dynamics. And I think that that's fine. It is what it is. I think where it becomes a problem is where it is compromising your inner sense of integrity and your awareness of who you are.
[00:13:09]:
And so if it becomes your only way or the predominant way that you move about the world, that you're always flip flopping, that you're always shapeshifting, that you're always contorting yourself such that you've lost connection with who the you is underneath all of that, that it's always this performance and that it's just trading one mask for another. And you don't actually know what is true or authentic to you when you feel burnt out by it, when you feel resentful. I think that's when it crosses over into being a concern, being something that we want to look at. It's not about being overly vigilant of, oh, I actually behave a certain way in front of my boss because I'm trying to impress them and I wouldn't do that in front of my friend. Does that mean I'm a people pleaser? No, I think that that means you're human and that's perfectly fine. But as I said, when we do feel like it's only masks and facades and performances, and so much of our self worth hinges on our ability to earn the approval and validation of others, that's when we want to look at these things. Because ultimately, there's a part of you underneath all of that that is terrified of what would happen if you didn't people please.
[00:14:23]:
Part of you that's absolutely terrified of the idea that someone could not like you or could disapprove of you. And that's the part of you that needs your attention, because that's probably a very old wound and that needs some love and compassion and understanding rather than just trying to kind of forcefully change the behaviour that springs from it. Okay? So I hope that's given you something to think about, something to reflect on. And as I said, if this resonates with you and you notice these patterns within yourself, definitely recommend you cheque out healing anxious attachment next week as we talk about all of this stuff and so much more in the course. And I would love to see you there. So make sure to jump on the waitlist in the show notes if you haven't already. Otherwise, thank you for joining me and I will see you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:15:16]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, people pleasing, empathy, self-sacrificing, subconscious patterns, identity, genuine connections, anxious attachment, values, needs, authenticity, strategy, control, approval, emotional baggage, pathologize, integrity, performance, self-worth, validation, compassion, reflection, self-discovery, emotional resilience, online content, relationships, Black Friday sale, live Q&A