Anxious Attachment & Open Relationships
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts around anxious attachment & open relationships. While not being my personal experience, this is an area I receive a lot of requests and questions around, as various non-monogamous relationship structures grow in popularity.
We’ll cover:
Common struggles of anxious attachment and how they might show up in an open relationship structure
The importance of having a strong relationship to self when exploring open relationships
Communication, boundaries and self-advocacy
Why you should never agree to open a relationship just to hold onto someone
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm talking all about anxious attachment and open relationships, which is a topic that I have resisted up until now. Not because I have any position against open relationships or any sort of philosophical take on this issue, but really just because it's not my personal experience and so much of what I share on the show is derived in one form or another from my personal experience. And so a part of me feels ill qualified to speak on this topic. And I should say at the outset that I'm not going to be speaking on the virtues or otherwise of alternative relationship structures other than monogamy.
[00:01:10]:
But really, I'm going to be focusing on the questions that I get a lot of the time from people who identify as anxiously attached and are thinking about entering into some sort of open relationship structure and also speaking. About some of the pitfalls or challenges that you might be likely to encounter as someone with anxious attachment patterns by virtue of the structural elements of those relationships and things to look out for, how you might be able to alleviate some of those stresses or support yourself best through that, if that's your intention. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a quick announcement. I wanted to let you guys know that I have started a YouTube channel, actually started a YouTube channel about a year ago, but it has had no videos up until now and I have finally bit the bullet, pulled the trigger, and I am uploading quite a lot of videos. I've got a lot of content from the podcast and elsewhere. So if you want to watch the podcast, you'll be able to watch clips of it on YouTube. But I'm also going to be uploading exclusive content there, speaking to various topics and questions on attachment, love relationships, all the same stuff that you get here but in video form for those of you who like YouTube.
[00:02:27]:
So be sure to go check me out. My handle is Stephanie Rigg. You should be able to find me pretty easily, but I would love if you would head over to YouTube and subscribe to my channel and support my videos there. Thanks guys. Okay, so let's talk about open relationships and anxious attachment. So I think on the surface you could see anxious attachment and everything that we know about anxious attachment and then look at open relationships and go, surely that's not going to be a good fit, right? And yet I've had a number of clients as well as heaps of people on instagram who reach out to me asking for advice on this. It is definitely something that's growing in people's awareness, these alternative relationship structures, something that people are more interested to explore than perhaps they would have been historically when most people have defaulted to monogamy. Let's take a step back.
[00:03:20]:
We know that people with anxious attachment patterns struggle with fears around abandonment, fears around unworthiness, fears around rejection, fears around jealousy and comparison. And so we can see that a lot of these things are usually alleviated for anxious people by getting into relationship and staying in relationship and as much as possible, eliminating doubt, uncertainty, establishing some semblance of control and security by holding onto someone pretty tightly. That's what most people do who have anxious attachment patterns. And so on the surface you could look at that and see how it could be really easily exacerbated by open relationships or other structures whereby there isn't the same level of exclusivity, commitment, security as there might be in a monogamous setting. Again, please be very clear, I'm not making value judgments. I'm not saying that there isn't security and there isn't commitment. And I know that depending on the structure, those things can absolutely still be present, albeit in a different form. But I think that something that's really important and I've given this advice to clients before, is if you are really in the thick of anxious attachment, if you are not working with a stable foundation within yourself, if you are experiencing a lot of unworthiness.
[00:04:46]:
If you're experiencing a lot of fear and insecurity, then it's probably not the best time to wade into the waters of more complicated relationship structures. Because I think in most cases it would be fair to say that it does add a layer of complexity, having more people in the mix, having more considerations, more people's needs and dynamics. It is getting more complicated than monogamy. Not to say that it's worse than just different and I would say oftentimes more complicated. And so I think if you haven't mastered you're in a relationship, I e your relationship with yourself and you're in relationship with someone else and that's feeling really insecure, then branching out into non monogamy in whatever form is probably just going to be exacerbating the insecurities that are already present. So I think that as a starting point, it's a good idea to really work on building a level of comfort and security within yourself before thinking about going onto these additional levels of complexity that are likely to bring you even more so into contact with those wounds around unworthiness jealousy, comparison, rejection, abandonment. So I think that's a really important point is do I have the mental and emotional fortitude at the moment to be putting myself in situations where I may very well be quite triggered and feel really insecure? And maybe I don't have the skills or capacity at this time to advocate for myself in the way that would allow me to experience that safely? I think the other thing, and this won't apply to everyone, but I think a really important consideration is oftentimes people who are more anxious will be in relationship with people who are more avoidant. We know that, but there may be some pressure from one person to open up the relationship.
[00:06:46]:
Now, again, I realise there are a lot of caveats in this episode. I told you I was treading carefully. I realise that that's not every situation. Some people from the outset are in open relationships, but equally, I think a lot of people will be in partnership. And then there's pressure from one person to open up the relationship. And if that's a situation that you are in or have been in, I have to caution you to be really careful and make sure that that is what you want as well. Because the very worst thing that you could do, particularly as someone with anxious attachment patterns, is agree to open up a relationship just so you avoid losing someone. And I think that that can happen.
[00:07:28]:
It's certainly happened to people I've worked with. I've received a lot of messages from people who are saying my partner wants to open the relationship and I'm scared to lose them, so I would rather do this than lose them altogether, so I'd rather at least be involved in some way or have transparency and some sort of veto power. And I think that while all of that's really understandable, it is not going to be the solution to your problems. So making sure that if you are thinking about opening up your relationship and you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns or anyone for that matter, anyone who's struggling with unworthiness or frankly, if you're perfectly secure but you feel like there's pressure from someone to open up a relationship when that's not what you want. I think it's really important to tune in and go, is this what I want? Or am I just trying to hold on to someone? Because I think a lot of the time people will just yield to that out of fear and it is very, very rare that is going to ultimately make your situation better. It will almost always make your situation worse because the fear and insecurity that is driving you to say yes to that thing that you don't really want is going to be 100 fold. Once you're opening up your relationship and your partner is seeing other people or whatever other structure it might look like, that is not going to be a good outcome for you. So getting really clear on what your boundaries are, what your limits are, what you actually want and being comfortable, advocating for what you actually want and what you don't want I think is extremely important.
[00:09:00]:
And for folks with more anxious attachment patterns, there's growth in that because that's not the starting point for most of us is not to have real clarity around what we want and what our limits are and then take that additional step of advocating for ourselves in that. That brings me to the last thing that I sort of want to flag, which is if you are wanting to explore open relating as someone with anxious attachment patterns, you're going to want to really work on your communication. And this is true for everyone. Again, it's not my area of expertise, but I think we could all agree that something that people in non monogamous relationships do really well when they do it well is communication. And that's something that a lot of people hold up as being the big growth for them in exploring these alternative relationship structures. Is there's no space to be lazy or complacent around your communication of boundaries and desires and all of those things? I think for those of us in monogamous relationships there's certain default assumptions and expectations that we can get a little lazy about and it allows us to bypass talking about things quite directly. So one of the opportunities and the gifts you could say of these alternative relationship structures is that it really invites you into much more direct and open communication with the personal people that you're going to be in relationship with. And I think that that can be a real area of growth for you as someone with anxious attachment patterns.
[00:10:26]:
But I guess the word of warning or caution is don't shy away from that. I know that talking about things can be really uncomfortable and particularly if there is any insecurity there, not wanting to push someone away, not wanting to voice our fears out of worry that we're going to be seen as needy. All of those things I totally understand. But if you are thinking of exploring open relationships, communication, it's absolutely paramount because there is so much space for misinterpretation. And if you don't have absolute clarity and directness around your respective expectations, what's okay and what's not okay, where the lines are, how it's all going to work, then there's a lot of potential for hurt and misunderstanding and pain. And of course, that's not what we want. So those are a few thoughts on anxious attachment and open relationships. As I said, far from being a comprehensive overview of what is a very big topic.
[00:11:19]:
But I hope that for those of you who are either considering opening up a relationship that you're already in or you're considering exploring open relating as a starting point, that that just gives you a few things to think. About in terms of what it might bring up for you and how best to navigate that in a way that is self responsible and self compassionate. So that if you do make that choice that you're doing it in a way that's likely to be resourced and allowing you to really take care of yourself rather than triggering yourself more deeply into those wounds and those fears and Insecurities that might already be lurking under the surface. As always, super grateful for those of you who leave reviews. If you've enjoyed this episode, if you could leave a five star rating or a review, as I said, do come find me on YouTube. I'm working hard to build up a library of great resources for you there, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
[00:12:18]:
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.