#273: Attachment & Conflict (Part 2): Avoidant Attachment
Conflict can bring out deeply ingrained protective patterns in all of us.
For someone with anxious attachment, conflict often activates an urgent need to do something: talk, explain, seek reassurance, fix the problem or push for immediate resolution.
For someone with avoidant attachment, the opposite response is more likely.
Rather than moving towards the conflict, their attachment system tends to pull back. They may become quiet, dismissive, defensive or completely disengaged. From the outside, this can look like indifference. But internally, it is often an attempt to manage overwhelm, regain control and protect themselves from an interaction they do not feel equipped to navigate.
Understanding this does not mean excusing hurtful behaviour. It does, however, help us see what is driving the pattern—and what needs to change if we want to move towards healthier conflict and repair.
The Avoidant Nervous System During Conflict
When someone with avoidant attachment perceives relational stress, pressure or threat, their instinct is often to disconnect.
Their internal response may sound something like:
This is overwhelming.
I do not know what to say.
Nothing I say will make this better.
I need to get away from this.
While an anxiously attached partner may become increasingly activated and expressive, the avoidant partner is likely to retreat further into themselves. Their safe place is often independence, emotional distance and self-reliance.
This can create a painful cycle.
The anxious partner becomes louder or more insistent because they feel the other person pulling away. The avoidant partner feels even more pressured and withdraws further. Each person’s attempt to protect themselves intensifies the other person’s fear.
Why Avoidant Partners Can Feel Outmatched
One important part of this dynamic is that the more anxious partner has often been thinking about the conversation for a long time.
They may have rehearsed what they want to say, anticipated possible responses and mentally reviewed every detail of the issue. By the time they bring it up, they may feel completely prepared.
The avoidant partner, by contrast, may feel ambushed.
Under stress, they may lose access to clear language and struggle to organise their thoughts. They can appear frozen, blank or unable to explain themselves. Meanwhile, their partner may be speaking quickly, presenting multiple examples and asking emotionally charged questions.
This does not mean the avoidant partner has nothing to say. It may mean that their nervous system is overwhelmed to the point that they cannot communicate effectively in that moment.
If they have repeatedly experienced conflict as something they cannot handle or “win,” avoidance can start to feel like the safest option.
Dismissive Avoidant and Fearful Avoidant Conflict Patterns
Although dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant attachment share a tendency to disconnect when closeness feels threatening, their conflict responses can look different.
Someone with more dismissive avoidant patterns may minimise the issue, refuse to engage, roll their eyes, walk away or act as though the conversation is unnecessary.
Someone with fearful avoidant patterns may also withdraw, but they are often more likely to have a strong fight response. They might react with anger, defensiveness or sharp criticism before shutting down or creating distance.
Neither response is universal. Every person is different. But there are several common strategies that tend to show up when avoidantly attached people feel threatened during conflict.
1. Appeasement
Avoidant attachment does not always look like outright withdrawal. Sometimes it looks like saying whatever is necessary to make the conflict stop.
This might include quickly apologising, agreeing with everything being said or promising to change without really engaging with the substance of the conversation.
The underlying thought may be:
I do not understand what you want from me, but I need this interaction to end.
To the other partner, this can feel insincere and unsatisfying. They may respond by pushing harder:
“You do not really mean that.”
“You always say that.”
“You are just trying to end the conversation.”
The avoidant partner may then feel even more helpless. They tried to say the “right” thing, but it did not work. This reinforces the belief that conflict is impossible to navigate successfully.
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is another common response.
When you raise a concern, your partner may immediately explain why they did what they did, deny your experience, focus on your mistakes or argue against the details of what you are saying.
Being on the receiving end of defensiveness can feel incredibly invalidating. It can seem as though the other person cares more about protecting themselves than understanding your pain.
But beneath avoidant defensiveness, there is often shame.
Many avoidantly attached people place a great deal of value on feeling competent, capable and successful. When their partner expresses unhappiness, they may interpret it as evidence that they have failed.
Instead of hearing:
“This behaviour hurt me,”
they may hear:
“You are a bad partner.”
“You cannot do anything right.”
“You are disappointing.”
Defensiveness becomes an attempt to push away that shame.
Again, this does not make the behaviour healthy or fair. But it helps us understand why the response may be so automatic and intense.
3. Dismissal and Invalidation
Dismissal can sound like:
“Do we really have to talk about this again?”
“You are overreacting.”
“Why does everything have to be such a big deal?”
“Give me a break.”
These responses are especially painful for someone with anxious attachment because they often already question the legitimacy of their own feelings.
They may have spent hours wondering:
Am I being too sensitive?
Am I asking for too much?
Am I overthinking this?
When they finally speak up and are met with dismissal, it reinforces those fears. They may feel burdensome, needy or unreasonable simply for having an emotional experience.
From the avoidant partner’s perspective, however, repeated heavy conversations can feel like an endless stream of evidence that they are getting the relationship wrong.
They may not have realised there was a problem. Suddenly, they are once again facing another conversation about unmet needs, disappointment or dissatisfaction.
The dismissal may come from sheer exhaustion and overwhelm:
You are upset with me again, and I do not know how to fix it.
That response may make emotional sense, but it still damages trust and connection.
4. Disengagement
Perhaps the most recognisable avoidant conflict response is complete disengagement.
This might look like refusing to talk, leaving the room, going silent, ignoring messages or disappearing for a period of time.
Sometimes this is a genuine attempt to regulate an overwhelmed nervous system. But disengagement can also become a way of regaining power.
When one person urgently wants to talk and the other refuses, the person withholding communication holds the balance of power. They control whether the conversation happens and when connection resumes.
For the anxious partner, this can be deeply activating. They may escalate, send more messages, demand answers or become increasingly emotional in an attempt to re-establish contact.
The avoidant partner then experiences that escalation as further proof that engagement is unsafe.
Their internal experience may be:
The only way I can feel in control is by refusing to participate.
While this strategy may offer temporary relief, it prevents resolution and leaves both people feeling alone.
Understanding Is Not the Same as Excusing
It is important to be clear: shutting down, dismissing someone’s feelings, refusing all communication or offering empty apologies are not healthy conflict skills.
Understanding the origins of these behaviours does not mean tolerating them indefinitely.
But if we reduce avoidant behaviour to “they do not care” or “they are toxic,” we miss the deeper dynamics that keep the cycle alive.
Avoidantly attached people are rarely enjoying these interactions. They are often overwhelmed, ashamed, powerless or convinced that nothing they say will be enough.
At the same time, anxiously attached people are often terrified of disconnection and desperately trying to restore closeness.
Both partners are protecting themselves. Unfortunately, their protective strategies collide in ways that make each person feel even less safe.
Moving Beyond the Anxious-Avoidant Conflict Cycle
Changing this dynamic requires more than deciding whose reaction is justified.
Both people can usually build a strong case for why they behave the way they do:
“I only chase because you withdraw.”
“I only withdraw because you chase.”
“I only become angry because you dismiss me.”
“I only dismiss you because every conversation turns into an argument.”
This debate can continue forever without creating meaningful change.
Moving towards secure conflict requires humility and shared responsibility. Each partner needs to become curious about their own contribution to the cycle.
That might mean asking:
What happens in my body when conflict begins?
What am I afraid will happen if I stay present?
How do I try to regain safety or control?
What does my protective response evoke in my partner?
What would it look like to respond differently, even in a small way?
The goal is not to eliminate conflict. Conflict is an inevitable part of intimacy.
The goal is to build the capacity to stay connected to yourself and respectful towards your partner when things become uncomfortable—and to know how to find your way back to one another when things go sideways.
Building Security From Within
Healthier relationships begin with the internal foundations we bring into them.
Self-compassion allows us to face our patterns without collapsing into shame.
Self-regulation helps us remain grounded when our nervous system wants to fight, flee or shut down.
Self-advocacy allows us to communicate honestly without attacking, pleading or abandoning ourselves.
Self-trust helps us make clear decisions about what we need, what we can work through and what we are no longer willing to tolerate.
When we strengthen these foundations, conflict becomes less about defending ourselves at all costs and more about understanding what is happening between us.
That is where real repair becomes possible.
Because lasting change does not come from proving whose response is right. It comes from recognising the cycle, taking responsibility for our part in it and choosing—together—to create something different.
You might also like…
[00:00:34]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we are talking once again about attachment and conflict and we're focusing today on avoidant attachment and how those with avoidant attachment patterns are likely to experience conflict and how that shows up in a relational context. So this episode's going to cover both dismissive avoidant patterns around conflict and fearful avoidant patterns around conflict. I decided to lump them in together even though they can be quite distinct when it comes to conflict in particular, just because I recently did a four part series on fearful avoidant attachment and we talked a bit about conflict in the context of how that tends to play out relationally there. So in the interest of brevity and not repeating myself too much, I'm going to put them in together today and I'll just call out where they tend to be different, but we're going to be talking about it. If you missed part one of this series which was focusing on anxious attachment and how that tends to play out in the context of conflict and communication, you can go back and listen to that if you want to.
[00:01:59]:
I think it was episode 267 and as I mentioned last time, I'm then planning to do another episode where I'll talk about tips for each partner in what you can do both in the moment and maybe some self work so that you can shake some of these cycles that you can move away from the patterns that have always gotten the better of you during conflict. Because for a lot of us the way we do conflict is sticky and we can see ourselves doing it. But in the moment it's so enticing to just say the thing or lash out or shut down or do whatever we've always done to defend or protect ourselves. Even Though we know that it doesn't really get us what we're wanting. It doesn't get us any closer to resolution or repair or finding our way back to connection, which I do think is ultimately what we all want. And then I'm also planning to do a part four, which will be all about what healthy repair looks like, because that is essential as well. It's not just about, you know, how do we avoid conflict. It's recognising the inevitability of conflict and then having the tools and the skills and the commitment to finding your way back to each other when things do go sideways.
[00:03:13]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today, the avoidant experience of conflict, what that feels like on the inside and how it plays out relationally. Before we get into today's episode, I wanted to share a really exciting announcement which is that my Secure Self Challenge is back. This is the the sixth time that I'm running the Secure Self Challenge, but it's actually totally different. If you came along to my free workshop last week, you will have already heard all about this, or if you're on my email list. But I've decided to build the Secure Self Challenge out into an eight week programme rather than its original 28 day format. Just having finished writing a book, which is also called the Secure Self and which is really built around the themes that we cover in this challenge, I felt called to flesh it out a little to make it into a more comprehensive programme akin to my other's Healing, anxious attachment, higher love, secure together. This really feels like it's the heart of my work and where my work is moving to. And so it felt right to really give it the space that it deserves.
[00:04:21]:
And so I'm building it out into an eight week programme so we'll still cover the same four themes of self compassion, self regulation, self advocacy and self trust, which I refer to as the pillars of a Secure self. And the idea behind that is really that we're laying the foundations to create security and safety from within such that we can then go to relationships and experience them really differently. Because when we try and fix the relationship problem head on, we're often doing so from a place of fear and insecurity and that can actually lead us further into our patterns. You probably don't need me to tell you that because you probably know it anecdotally and experientially. That's certainly what I did for a really long time before I turned the spotlight back on myself and decided to Just focus on my own work and really reaped the benefit of that. And I've seen that same transformation in literally thousands of other people who I've supported over the years. So there is an early bird price available for the next week for the Secure Self Challenge. We are kicking off on Monday 27th July, so there's still a bit of time.
[00:05:34]:
As I said, it's an eight week programme. There'll be not only pre recorded video modules and notes and teachings and all of that stuff. If you've done any of my other programmes, that format will be familiar to you, but there's also four live group coaching calls with me and there's a community space for the eight weeks of the challenge so you can ask me questions, you can connect with others, share wins. All of that added benefit of feeling like you're walking the path with other people who really understand it. And historically that's always been a really beautiful part of the challenge is the community space and you get lifetime access to all of the materials. And as a boss bonus, you also actually get the original 28 day secure self challenge. You'll receive that as a graduation gift at the end of the eight weeks so you can have those 28 short daily lessons as a bit of a parting gift if you ever want to revisit the content in bite size format. So it's a really great deal.
[00:06:29]:
If you're at all interested, I would really, really love to have you. We've already got, I think about 50 people signed up, so there's a great group forming. And so if you're someone who knows that you really want to work on your self worth, that feels like a bit of a missing piece in the puzzle for you. I would love to invite you in and to support you as you do that work. And of course the link to all of that is in the show notes. Okay, so let's talk about avoidant attachment and conflict. So as a bit of a refresher, last time when we talked about anxious attachment and conflict, we were talking about how the anxiously attached nervous system in response to a perception of threat or fear or press, tends to go into overdrive. It ratchets up and it really propels you to just do something, right? There's this flood of energy and activity and mobilisation and all of that just says, oh, we need to do something about this problem.
[00:07:26]:
I can see that something bad's going to happen or it's already happening and it's my job to sort of scurry around and fix it. And that fixing can take all sorts of forms. We talked about this in my free workshop last week around protest behaviours. We can try to smooth everything over or we can kind of blow everything up up in the hope that we'll get someone's attention and get their engagement and ultimately solve the problem. Now, all of that is really diametrically opposed to how the nervous system, the attachment system of someone with avoidant patterns responds to a perception of fear, threat, stress in a relationship. Their attachment system essentially goes offline. It really dials down, it pulls back it. The default response is to turn away from the thing that feels stressful or overwhelming, rather than to kind of rush in towards it, which is the more anxious response.
[00:08:22]:
And so we need to understand that at a nervous system level, as part of the deep imprint when we're looking at avoidant attachment and responses to conflict, is that there's a really strong wiring there that says, this is not going to end well. This feels overwhelming. And when something feels overwhelming, I return to my safe space, which is disconnected connection. I return to my island, because there I feel in control and I feel competent and I feel like I can manage this. And I think it's important to acknowledge as well, I feel like I often give this advice to students in my programmes. It's like, we need to remember that going into these conversations, if you're the more anxious partner, there's a good chance that you've been rehearsing the conversation, you've had all of the different versions of it, you know exactly what you want to say, you know what you're going to say in response to what they might say. You're so ready, you're chomping at the bit to have these conversations. Whereas someone who's more avoidant is not likely to be at all rehearsed.
[00:09:21]:
And because their system tends to kind of shut down in those moments of tension or conflict or pressure or accusation or all of those things, they can almost lose access to their ability to speak very clearly or cogently to know what to say. They can look a bit like a deer in the headlights, they can be a bit frozen. And you contrast that with a more anxious partner whose system is just like going at a million miles an hour and they're saying all of the words and we kind of get entrenched in our extremes and it just keeps going further and further in those two directions because of the way that that tends to unfold. And I think oftentimes also someone with more anxious patterns is likely to Be more. I don't want to say emotionally literate, but probably have more comfort and capacity in talking about stu stuff, even if it's in more of an analytical way. Because I think it can be a bit of a blind spot for us anxious attachers. We think we're talking about feelings, but we're actually just talking about our analysis of feelings and situations. But even still, I think a lot of avoidant people would come to those conversations and feel like they are just vastly outmatched in terms of their ability to articulate themselves in terms of how ready they are for those conversations, particularly if they've come out of nowhere or they feel a bit ambushed.
[00:10:44]:
And so I think the overwhelming experience for a lot of avoidant people is like, I don't want to go anywhere near that because I know how it ends and it doesn't end well. I can never say the right thing. Anything I try to say apparently makes it worse, or if I say nothing at all, that definitely makes it worse. And so it's like, okay, the best thing to do here is to avoid that scenario, whether that's by pulling away as soon as the conflict starts or dismissing it. There's lots of different ways to do it, but that's the overwhelming imperative is like, just don't go there if it can be avoided. And I should say that which I've just described, I think is more typical of someone with more dismissive avoidant patterns. As we talked about in the fearful avoidance series recently, I think folks with fearful avoidant patterns tend to have a much stronger fight response. They won't always reach for that, but oftentimes they will.
[00:11:35]:
So if, for example, an anxious partner, you know, through some poison barbs or snide remarks or something, at a fearful avoidant partner, you're much likely to get, like, a big fight response back, whereas for a dismissive avoidant partner, you're likely to get something that's, you know, dismissive invalidating, like, you know, maybe an eye roll and walking away or something. Just a refusal to engage. So I wanted to talk about a few key strategies that I think can come up for avoidant folks when it comes to conf. And again, these can span more dismissive avoidant patterns and more fearful avoidant patterns. And, you know, big disclaimer, none of this stuff is going to be universally true for every single person with avoidant patterns. Obviously, everyone is their own person. But these tend to be the broad shapes and contours that you'll see for avoidant folks when it comes to Conflict. So I think one strategy or one response to conflict can be appeasement.
[00:12:38]:
And this is maybe a little more surprising than some of the others that you might have come up against. But I think this can absolutely be part of the broader response to conflict is like, I'll just say whatever I need to say in order to make this stop. You know, I'll say, okay, I'm sorry. Okay, yes, I hear you. Okay, yes, I understand. I'll just try and come up with the thing that's going to make this be fine again, because, again, I feel really equipped to be in this moment with you. I don't know what you want from me. You seem very angry and I don't really understand why.
[00:13:10]:
Maybe I can't, you know, if I'm being honest, I can't really empathise with why you're so upset about this thing. And so I'm just trying to problem solve. And appeasement feels like a way of problem solving that. So I'll just try and, like, make you happy again. So whether that looks like, you know, cowering and just agreeing, apologising without much substance, all of that can be part of that appeasement strategy that some folks will use. Again, I think that's probably more of a dismissive strategy because fearful avoidance tend to have a bit more fun fight in them. And of course, if you're on the receiving end of that, you can usually feel it and it doesn't feel very satisfactory, particularly if we consider that folks with anxious patterns tend to struggle to receive an apology or an acknowledgment or something at the best of times. Because our baseline is to not really trust that.
[00:14:04]:
When it's kind of insincere or manufactured or forced, and we can feel that, it's really easy to just keep pushing and saying, you don't really mean that, or you always say that, and then the fight just keeps going. And of course that wears the other person down because they feel like, I tried to say the thing I meant to say and it's not working. What do I do now? So I think that can be a really easy spiral to get stuck in. Another response to conflict that you might see amongst avoidant folks is defensiveness. I've done whole episodes on defensiveness before. Actually, relatively recently, I think I did one on defensiveness. Of course, being in relationship with someone where you feel like every time you try to express a concern, a worry, a need, some feedback, and you're hit with this wall of defensiveness that is painful and it feels really invalidating and you feel like you are maybe unimportant to them, like they're more committed to self protection than to the relationship. All of those storeys are really common spring from this experience of defensiveness.
[00:15:09]:
But we really need to put that in context and understand that for avoidant people, you know, shame can be a big thing. And feeling successful, I've talked about this before, feeling successful in themselves and in the relationship is so much a part of their identity and their relationship satisfaction. And it's really easy for them to receive your complaints or your dissatisfaction or your needs. And it's almost like that's filtered through the lens of things that I'm not getting right and ways that I've messed up, ways that I'm not good enough for you, ways that I'm a disappointment, ways that I'm a failure. And so sometimes the defensiveness is coming from a place of I need to push that back because I actually have to push back the shame or the sense of exasperation or overwhelm that I feel and that you being unhappy evokes in me because I feel like a failure. And so it's not that I'm actually trying to push away because I don't care about you, it's just like I need that to not be valid or not be true or not be right so that I don't have to sit with whatever that evokes in me. And of course that doesn't make it any easier to be on the receiving end of. But I think again, it's always helpful to look under the hood and go, why? Why does this behaviour keep coming up? What's driving it and what is it protecting? Because there's always more to the picture than just like, oh, they're so defensive they can't take any feedback, of course.
[00:16:38]:
Okay. Another sort of related response to conflict that you might see amongst avoidant folks is dismissal. So whereas defensiveness might be like really actively batting back feedback or needs or something like that, denying something, saying I don't do that, or defending yourself against someone's perception of you defending your intentions. Dismissal, I think is another branch off that tree and is just like a brushing off an invalidation. The sorts of comments like, do we really have to talk about this again? Or are you kidding me? Or give me a break, things like that that just feel really upsetting and particularly if you're someone with more anxious patterns who naturally plucking up the courage to say the thing is not easy, even if it comes out in A bit of fiery way, and oftentimes it will, because that's your way of protecting yourself against the vulnerability of self advocacy and self expression. Having someone just because the anxious tendency is to invalidate yourself so much in your own experience. And ah, over Am I being too needy? Am I being too demanding? Am I too sensitive? Am I overthinking this? To finally say the thing and have someone mirror back to you all of those insecurities that you were already harbouring, that's really painful and that really entrenches that wound and that insecurity. It kind of collects more evidence for, yes, I am all of those things because anytime I try and speak up for myself, that's what I'm getting back is being told that I overcomplicate everything.
[00:18:21]:
And why do I have to have so many feelings and why do we have to talk about this? All of these sentiments that can just feel like your experience is kind of tedious almost to me. Do we really have to do this? And of course, if you're feeling something big and you're wanting to take that to a partner, being made to feel like a nuisance or a burden is obviously not a nice feeling. And again, I think if we walk over to the other side and go, well, what's underneath that? We can see that for someone with avoidant patterns, feeling like their partner is bringing to them all of these concerns and complaints and worries and feelings. And if that's happening often, I mean, there have been times in my own relationship, even my current relationship in trickier seasons, where I feel like I was bringing things to my partner at least once a week and we were having these big heavy conversations and I could see that that was wearing him down. But I was fighting those fights within myself of wanting to have the conversation, but also knowing that it was probably not that helpful and that it was backfiring a bit. So that tension is really real. And I think we do have to acknowledge that for someone with more avoidant patterns whose instinc is to retreat in the face of all of this pressure and tension and heaviness, feeling like there is this near constant onslaught of serious conversations, upsets, unmet needs can just feel like such a weight and it can feel like it drowns out the relationship and the whole relationship becomes about the hard stuff. And so sometimes those comments, even though they're, I would say, a little tactless and certainly unhelpful and don't do anything for trust and connection in the relationship, they're coming from this place of Just sheer exasperation of, like, I didn't even realise I was doing anything wrong and you're upset with me again.
[00:20:22]:
And so we can sort of see both sides of that as being really real and valid, even if the tactics that each person are using are not the most effective or skilful way of expressing the need or expressing the overwhelm that they're carrying. And the fourth strategy that I wanted to name is disengagement. And that might be just like, you know, basically refusing, refusing to engage at all in the conflict in the conversation, saying, I'm not talking about this, maybe leaving the room, maybe if you don't live together, it's like just going awol, going silent and kind of almost stonewalling. And that, I think, sometimes is just coming from a place again of overheating and overwhelm. And I actually just don't even want to be anywhere near that. And sometimes I think we can acknowledge that it's coming from a place of wanting to feel more powerful when you're feeling powerless. And again, I think we all do this when we're feeling powerless. We try and compensate for that.
[00:21:28]:
And I think for the anxious partner, the way that we tend to compensate when we feel powerless is to get really big and puffed up and escalate in our expressiveness. And maybe we get nasty and do all of the things. That's just a way to convey the immense intensity of everything that we're feeling and carrying and worrying about, so we get really big. And I think that for someone with more avoidant patterns, the way that they might find their power when they're feeling attacked, when they're feeling blamed, when they're feeling criticised, when they're feeling judged and disapproved of, is just to withhold and to refuse to engage. Because as I've talked about before, the person who refuses to engage, to withhold, to deny a conversation and just says, I'm not talking about it literally or metaphorically, crossing your arms and turning away, that person holds the balance of power. And again, it's not fair in not conducive to a healthy relationship dynamic. But that is the truth. And that can be part of what motivates that kind of strategy.
[00:22:39]:
It's just like, well, this is the only way that I get to feel kind of safe and in control is to just withhold. Because if I go into that, if I go into the conversation, if I go into the fray with you, then I feel very out of control and I feel very outnumbered or overpowered. By your bigness and all of the words and all of the things that I've done wrong. And so the only way for me to feel kind of in control is to actually just say, I'm not going to talk about it. And even though I can see that that enrages you, my refusal to engage is kind of how I keep myself safe in this. So that's a bit of a picture of avoidant attachment and conflict. Now, I know that this can be hard to talk about and hard to listen to. And depending on what side of the equation you have been on, you might feel really angered by those descriptions, or you might feel so frustrated, or you might feel so convinced that your way is justified because you're only responding to their way.
[00:23:41]:
And of course, that feels so true on both sides. And I think the reality is, I'm sure I'll get comments on this video, as I always do, saying how toxic and awful avoidant people are. And again, as I've said several times in this episode, I'm not suggesting that any of those strategies are helpful, constructive or conducive to healthy, secure relationships. But we have to be willing to actually look at, okay, where's this coming from within you? What experience are you having that I maybe can't see or can't relate to because I'm coming at this from a completely different place? And what is it going to take for us to step out of this cycle so that we can do things differently? Because this is painful and frustrating and overwhelming for us both. Both. And I can guarantee you that an avoidant person is not enjoying that any more than you are. So really, if you want to transform those cycles, it takes a level of humility and a sense of joint endeavour rather than fighting over whose way is the right way or whose response is more justified in light of the other person's behaviour? You can just do that till kingdom come and that will never, ever get you what you want, which is attunement and validation and recognition repair. So it does take a level of courage to step out of your protective stance and actually go, okay, where are we stuck here? How do we each contribute to that stuckness? And how might we start to do things differently? Okay, so I'm going to leave it there, guys.
[00:25:13]:
I hope that that has been helpful for you. And as I said, if you're interested in joining the Secure Self Challenge, the early bird price is available for the next week. You can, you can have a look at all of the details on my website. And all of that is linked in the show notes. Otherwise, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
avoidant attachment, conflict in relationships, dismissive avoidant patterns, fearful avoidant patterns, anxious attachment, protest behaviours, nervous system response, conflict communication, relationship dynamics, self compassion, self regulation, self advocacy, self trust, Secure Self Challenge, relationship programmes, early bird pricing, live group coaching, online community, relationship repair, conflict avoidance, defensiveness, dismissal, appeasement, stonewalling, emotional overwhelm, relationship power dynamics, emotional literacy, feedback in relationships, relationship safety, attachment system