#200: How to Like Yourself More
Most of us know the importance of self-love in theory—but actually liking ourselves? That can feel far trickier. We often spend our energy on personal growth, career goals, and relationships without realising that our relationship with ourselves shapes everything else.
The truth is, liking yourself isn’t about being perfect or achieving more—it’s about building a kinder, more accepting connection with the person you spend every single moment with: you.
Here are some of the key insights and strategies for truly liking yourself more.
1. Notice Your Inner Dialogue
The way you speak to yourself matters. For many, self-talk has been shaped by years of criticism—from parents, teachers, or even ourselves. Without noticing, you might be running an internal script that’s judgmental, harsh, or impatient.
Start by tuning into your inner voice:
Would you speak to a friend this way?
Is your tone supportive or shaming?
Are you making space for mistakes, or expecting perfection?
Awareness is the first step toward shifting from an inner critic to an inner coach.
2. Stop Waiting Until You’re “Better” to Accept Yourself
A common trap is thinking, “I’ll like myself when I’m more confident / more successful / more fit.” But the truth is, self-acceptance can’t be postponed until you meet certain conditions.
Instead, practice liking yourself exactly as you are now. This doesn’t mean you stop growing—it means you stop withholding kindness from yourself until you “earn it.”
3. Reframe Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
If you tend to replay your mistakes on loop, it’s time for a reframe. Mistakes are not proof that you’re unworthy; they’re evidence that you’re human.
Try this shift:
Instead of “I messed up, I’m awful”, try “I messed up, and here’s what I can learn.”
Replace “failure” with “feedback.”
Remind yourself: perfection isn’t the goal—growth is.
When you treat mistakes as data instead of self-defining moments, they lose their power to erode your self-esteem.
4. Identify Your Strengths (and Actually Celebrate Them)
We’re quick to dwell on our flaws but slow to acknowledge what we do well. Make a list of qualities you like about yourself—yes, even the small ones.
Think:
Personality traits (kindness, humor, curiosity)
Skills you’ve cultivated (problem-solving, listening, persistence)
Achievements you’re proud of (personal, professional, relational)
And here’s the kicker—don’t just list them. Celebrate them. Own them. Let yourself feel good about them without downplaying or dismissing.
5. Curate Environments That Support Self-Liking
Who you spend time with and what you consume daily impacts how you feel about yourself. Surround yourself with people who lift you up rather than constantly criticise. Follow social media accounts that inspire, not trigger comparison spirals.
Ask yourself:
Does this relationship make me feel more or less like myself?
Does this content expand me or shrink me?
Am I choosing spaces where I feel safe to be authentic?
6. Keep Promises to Yourself
One of the fastest ways to build self-respect (and, in turn, self-liking) is to follow through on commitments you make to yourself.
That could be:
Going for a walk when you said you would
Setting a boundary you promised to keep
Showing up for a creative project you care about
When you prove to yourself that your word matters, trust grows—and liking yourself becomes a natural byproduct.
7. Practice Self-Compassion Daily
Self-compassion isn’t just for big, hard moments. It’s a practice to weave into your everyday life:
Speak to yourself in a gentle, encouraging tone
Give yourself permission to rest
Remember that challenges and setbacks are part of being human
You don’t have to earn kindness from yourself—it’s yours by default.
Final Thought
Liking yourself more isn’t about ignoring your flaws or pretending everything is perfect. It’s about building a relationship with yourself that’s rooted in respect, compassion, and authenticity.
When you like yourself, you naturally make choices that align with your values. You set boundaries more easily. You attract relationships that reflect the way you feel about you. And most importantly—you get to feel at home in your own skin.
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to become someone that you actually like. So if you've been around here a while, you've probably heard me speak about self love and my views on teaching self love, which are that while self love is a beautiful thing to aim for, a lot of us who really struggle with low self esteem, low self confidence, low self worth can can feel like self love as a goal is really, really far away. And I know for me, when I was earlier on in my personal development journey, the idea of self love felt like a performance. It felt really disingenuous for me to engage with self love related content because it was just so incongruent with my reality and what my inner relationship really looked and felt like. And so it felt a bit forced and I think that was really discouraging in some ways.
[00:01:28]:
You know, it felt like all of these people on Instagram and on the Internet are really nailing this self love thing and that's just not how I feel about myself. So, you know, maybe that's just not for me. And maybe you relate to that. Feeling a little deflated or falling into comparison traps around what self love is meant to look and feel like. And the fact that it doesn't come easily to you means there's something wrong with you. So for all of those reasons, my preference and what I find to be more effective is teaching things like self worth, self respect, self esteem, steam and tangible actions. Things that we can focus on to actively cultivate those qualities with a view to becoming someone that you like. And I think self love can follow later.
[00:02:12]:
But let's just focus in the first instance on can I become a person that I like, that I'm comfortable with, that I can stand behind and say, you know what, I'm okay with who I am, I like how I show up. There aren't these glaring sources of internal friction or fracture that feel like I don't know who I am or, or I feel really out of alignment. All of those sorts of things that can erode our self respect and take us further away from ourselves. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. I'm Going to be sharing five tips, a mix of things to start doing and stop doing. That will help you build genuine self esteem and become a person that you like being. Which I think is a really noble thing to shoot for. Now, before we get into today's episode, you might have noticed that this is episode 200 of the podcast, which is a really wonderful milestone.
[00:03:04]:
I started this podcast in April 2022. It was very much off the cuff. I remember sitting with my sister with a scrap of paper and brainstorming what I might call the podcast and coming up with all these things and just wanting to, you know, get it done and get it out there. And so we circled on attachment and off I went. I recorded three episodes in one day, whipped up some cover art on Canva and went live the next day. So the whole thing went from idea to reality in less than 48 hours. And here we are, three and a bit years later, 200 episodes. And safe to say the podcast has grown to something that has far exceeded anything I could have dreamed of.
[00:03:48]:
We've recently crossed over 7 million episode downloads. We've had over 700,000 unique listeners from over 150 countries, over 120,000 people who follow or subscribe to the show across Apple and Spotify, and over 5,000 five star ratings and reviews. So if you've been here since the beginning or for a while, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support. As I said, you know this all started in my living room and it still is something that I record and produce and edit and post everything. It is a one woman show and it the world to me to have your support tuning. In your kind words. The reviews that you leave, I read them all. I receive them all with so much gratitude and if you're new here, welcome.
[00:04:40]:
I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope you find something that supports you on your path and I am so grateful to every single one of you. So a huge, huge thanks. The second very exciting announcement is that I have signed a book deal and I'm going to be writing a book, the Secure Self. It won't be out till at this stage, probably early 2027. Things a little more slowly in the publishing world than the online world, but nevertheless I am incredibly excited to be working on this. It feels like a huge milestone and a beautiful way to share my work and my teachings with so many more people all around the world. The book will be about transforming anxious attachment from the inside out, which is really at the heart of Everything that I teach how we can tend to those parts of ourselves that we have maybe abandoned or neglected and build up a really safe, sturdy foundation from within that allows us to experience life and relationships in a totally different way.
[00:05:40]:
So again, this opportunity is in no small part due to all of you guys supporting my work and supporting my platform. So for that I am immensely grateful and I can't wait to share the secure self in book form with you in due course when it's out in the world. Okay, thank you for indulging my self celebratory announcements for today. Let's get into today's episode, which is episode 200, how to become someone that you like. Okay, the first one is get really clear on what it would mean to show up as someone you like. What would it mean to live in alignment with your values? Do you know what your values are? This might sound kind of basic, but most people who I work with can't answer that question very cogently. And I think that speaks to the fact that most of us sort of drift through our lives just trying to fit in or just trying to please other people, just trying to get some semblance of like, am I doing okay? Am I succeeding? Am I being a good person without having a really clear North Star in terms of what does that mean to me? What is my compass? And until we can internally source that and have real clarity around what kind of person do I want to be, we're not going to be in a very good position to audit. Where are the leakages? Where are the gaps that we need to maybe close? Where am I out of alignment with my values? Because in the vast majority of cases it's not a mystery.
[00:07:02]:
So often people will come to me feeling really stuck and lost and confused, not knowing why they feel so horrible or why they have such low self esteem. But it doesn't take much when you start scratching the surface and they might be in a shitty relationship where, you know their core needs are chronically unmet and they feel anxious all the time. You know, they work in a job that they hate, they don't take care of their health and wellbeing and then treat it as some sort of, there must be something wrong with me that I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. Sometimes we're so deep in it that we can't really see it. And when we step back it's like, well, yeah, of course, right? Of course I feel this way. Of course I feel stuck. Of course I feel lost. I have no clear sense of where I'm going.
[00:07:45]:
I have no North Star here. I have no sense of my values. So I have nothing to reach for. I have nothing to align myself to. We really want to have a scaffold which is like, what would it mean for me to be a person of character and integrity? And until you know what the substance of that is, it's going to be really, really hard. Become someone that you're really comfortable being, because that's gotta come from within. It's not about looking around you and saying, you know, what will make people like me more? Because the more that you rely on that as the barometer for whether you are a successful person or whether you're doing a good job, it just takes you further and further away from yourself. And particularly if there's a trade off there.
[00:08:29]:
If in becoming someone that other people like or, you know, putting on that performance and approval seeking means that you're behaving in ways that are out of alignment, that are incongruent with who you want to be and leaves you with that residue of not feeling good about yourself. That's a really high price to pay. So get really clear on what would it mean for me to be a person of character and integrity? And where am I maybe not meeting the standards that I would like to set for myself in that regard and then start closing the gap. Right? We really have to be quite ruthless in auditing where our choices, our actions, our behaviours are not meeting the mark. And that is all within our control. And that's a really good thing. As much as self responsibility can hold a bit of a mirror up and can be uncomfortable, it's also in my mind extremely empowering because we have agency over that. And I find that to be a much more inspiring message than just saying, I don't know why I'm stuck, and telling ourselves that we're powerless over that.
[00:09:27]:
Okay, number two, which is kind of related to number one, get really clear on your boundaries, right? Set, honour, enforce, fiercely, protect your boundaries, particularly as they relate to your wellbeing, which is really what boundaries should be about. I think boundaries get thrown around so much. There's a lot of confusion, there's a lot of misuse or misappropriation of what this whole boundary thing is about. I did an episode maybe four or six weeks ago on boundaries versus Ultimatums and I sort of stepped through what all of these different things are. Boundaries, requests, ultimatums, deal breakers and the role that each plays in a healthy relationship or not. So you can go back and listen to that if you want more of a deep dive on this particular piece. But I think the crux of it is until we take our own boundaries seriously, which means not tolerating things that you say you're not going to tolerate, not continuing to participate in interactions, situations, circumstances that actively drain and deplete you, that leave you feeling consistently worse off. And this can be relationships, it can be friendships, it can be work settings.
[00:10:32]:
All of these things that you know really reliably are not good for you. And yet you continue to engage, you continue participate because getting other people's approval or keeping the peace or keeping your head down, or not causing a fast, not being difficult, all of these things you're putting above your wellbeing. And that to me is a boundary problem and it is always going to come back to bite you. It is not something that you can just keep burying away and pushing down because the body has to hold all of that. And sooner or later we become physically and or emotionally unwell as a result of that. And so really our boundaries are there to protect our wellbeing. And until you start leading the way on that, and until you start honouring yourself enough and respecting yourself enough, that that is more important to you than keeping the peace, than seeking other people's approval, than, you know, just doing what you're told or performing whatever it looks like for you, like that's gotta come first. You've got to signal to yourself, I matter.
[00:11:36]:
My wellbeing matters. I am a precious thing that is worthy of feeling safe and cared for and supported and living in a sustainable way. Anything short of that is very, very damaging to our self esteem because it sends the opposite message, which is basically, this doesn't feel safe, but I'm going to do it anyway because all of those other things matter to me more than my sense of safety and wellbeing. So get clear on what your boundaries are. It's very, very important work in transforming your relationship to yourself. Okay, next up is pay close attention to who or what brings out the worst in you. So again, this is really asking you to get honest about, you know, how am I showing up? And are there people, social groups, situations, environments that consistently bring out illicit parts of me or expressions of me that I don't like that lead me to be angry, frustrated, bitter, resentful, you know, scorekeeping, that kind of mentality, or, you know, that lead me to be really out of integrity, maybe certain friendship groups where I'm really judgmental and gossipy and, you know, bitchy, or all of these different things that can be shadow expressions of ourselves. And we maybe go along with it because that's just the status quo in that environment or with those people.
[00:12:56]:
And then afterwards, we're left with this icky residue of, I don't like how I was. I don't like the way that I handled that. I don't like the way I showed up. But for some reason in those settings, I always go there. I always reach for that. It always brings out parts of me that I maybe want to shift, that I'm not really comfortable with and that I know are betraying, again, like, my. My sense of who I would like to be. Character, integrity, morals.
[00:13:27]:
I know for me, when I was in my early 20s and I really struggled with a lot of things, but, like, stress from work, I would work so much, and then I had a lot of social anxiety. So we'd go out and drink a lot after work, and I would just use alcohol as a way to alleviate that social anxiety. And then, you know, I'd wake up the next day and just feel like such an anxious, insecure mess because I'd gone from, you know, one version of myself that felt really uncomfortable and insecure, and then I'd reached for alcohol to kind of make that feel less uncomfortable. But then I'd. I'd, you know, show up in ways that I didn't like, and then I'd feel deep shame and embarrassment the next morning. It was just a really unpleasant cycle. And. And that shame and embarrassment that I'd then carry would lead me into the cycle again.
[00:14:20]:
So a big part of my own growth was getting really honest about that and going like, okay, when I drink a lot, I don't like who I am, and it's really important that I take ownership of, you know, if I feel this way every time I do XYZ things like that's on me. I have to see the writing that's on the wall there. I have to acknowledge that this really consistently leaves me feeling like shit. This really harms my own sense of self esteem, my own comfort with who I am. And that's not something that I can in good conscience continue doing while also saying that I'm trying to work on myself, right? So, again, this will look different for everyone. But starting to think, like, are there certain things that reliably bring out parts of me that I don't like, that feel shadowy, that feel kind of energetically unclean, for want of a better term? And what might it look like to start moving away from those things and to Be clear, this is not about like blaming and shaming ourselves. It's just about discernment and knowing ourselves and really actively prioritising the conditions that allow you to thrive, to feel good, to show up as the person you like, rather than putting yourself in situations that, you know, pretty reliably bring out those parts of you that, that maybe you don't feel so good about afterwards. Okay, next up is ruthlessly prioritise your well being and your vitality.
[00:15:46]:
So I don't mean this in the sense of a picture perfect, you know, Instagram performance of self care, but I do think that it is very, very hard to have a healthy relationship with yourself if you do not treat yourself well, if you do not actively support your health and wellbeing, if you do not make choices that support your energy, your vitality, your aliveness. And this can look like so many things. I did an episode maybe a month or so ago about pleasure, rest and feeling good in a culture of chronic burnout and busyness. And for a lot of us, that's a really uncomfortable thing. Slowing down, resting, inviting in more pleasure and sensuality and, and goodness as a baseline feels like we're maybe doing something naughty, like there's guilt attached to that, like we've never accomplished enough to allow ourselves to slow down. Or maybe our nervous system just is so uncomfortable when we are used to operating at this hum of chronic stress that, you know, just slowing down and resting feels unsafe or uncomfortable. So there are lots of different layers here. You know, our modelling around self care, whatever that might have looked like in your family of origin or your community.
[00:17:03]:
A lot of people have coding that self care is very self indulgent and there's no time for that and, you know, keeping busy and working hard all the time. So there can be a lot to unpack here. But the point stands that I think it's really, really hard to have a deeply rewarding, aligned relationship with yourself that is based on burnout and pushing yourself past your limits over and over again. So allowing yourself to regularly feel good, to rest, to relax, to be present, without feeling like you have to earn that or like you're doing something wrong. I think that's a really important part of, again, signalling to your system that I'm worthy of this, that it's safe for me to rest, that I don't have to prove and strive all the time. And I think that allows us to then show up to all aspects of our lives more powerfully with more energy, with more vitality, with less resentment and Bitterness and, you know, being less frayed at the edges. And I think that's really undeniably a win win for everyone, for ourselves, and for the people in our lives. Okay? And last but not least, seek out opportunities to make yourself proud.
[00:18:24]:
Now, I think that really one of the most powerful experiences we can have in terms of our relationship with ourselves is being able to honestly, hand on heart, say, I'm really proud of myself, right? To experience a sense of accomplishment that feels deep and profound and well earned. Like we've overcome something hard and we've proven to ourselves what we are capable of, that is not to be underestimated. And I think that when we can have those moments of saying, like, yeah, I'm really proud. I'm proud of how I showed up, it doesn't have to be some outward achievement, right? This doesn't have to be like getting a promotion. It could be, I'm proud of myself that I spoke up for something that wasn't right for me when it would have been so much easier to bite my tongue or I'm proud of myself that I set a boundary with my boss and said that I wasn't available to work over the weekend, even though historically I would have just said yes and done what I was told. There are so many little things, opportunities to step into these things that feel foreign and that feel uncomfortable and that feel like a stretch. But when we do it and we stand in that wobbly space, in that messy middle between our comfort zone and what lies beyond it, that is very, very powerful. It's very transformative, and it shows our system that, like, I can survive the discomfort of that because I'm strong and I'm committed to doing hard things, to challenging myself, to showing myself what I am captivating, capable of.
[00:19:56]:
So actively seek out opportunities to be courageous so that you can say, I am really proud of myself. To stretch yourself, to prove to yourself that you know those limiting beliefs and the stories you might have about what's possible for you and you know what you're capable of, seek out opportunities to disprove those stories and to show to yourself that actually you can change those things, that whatever it is that you might be struggling with in terms of your beliefs about yourself or, you know, the things that feel a bit sticky in your life, they're not fixed, they're not permanent parts of you, and it's over to you to actually take steps towards a different way. And doing that, even deciding to try, can be really powerful in allowing you to feel like you're Proud of yourself. So don't underestimate the impact of that. It is really, really profound. Okay guys, that was five tips to learn to like yourself more. I'm going to quickly recap them because I know that that got lengthy. The first was get honest about what's out of alignment so that you can audit the gap between who you're being and who you want to be and that you really have your values and your sense of integrity as a scaffold that you can be led by in all of your decisions across all aspects of your life.
[00:21:11]:
The next one was set and honour your boundaries. So get really clear around what boundaries do I need, what parameters, what guardrails do I need in order to protect my wellbeing, my safety, my energy? All of that is worthy of protecting. And getting really clear on what that looks like for you is a really important way of building self esteem and building self respect and in turn liking yourself more. The next one was pay close attention to who or what brings out the worst in you or the parts of you that you don't really like, behaviours that you're trying to shift away from. Be very deliberate about funnelling your time and energy towards the people, places, activities that bring out the best in you. The next was to ruthlessly prioritise your wellbeing and vitality. So take your self care very seriously. You deserve to feel good, you deserve to rest, you deserve to live from a place of vitality and fullness and aliveness rather than one of depletion and burnout.
[00:22:02]:
And last but not least, seek out opportunities to make yourself proud. So challenge yourself. Stretch what you think you're capable of. Prove your limiting beliefs wrong and that will work wonders for your self esteem and your ability to say I'm proud of who I am. I like myself. Guys, thank you so much for joining me for this episode 200 of On Attachment. As always, so so grateful for your support and I look forward to seeing you again. Next.
[00:22:27]:
Thanks guys.
[00:22:31]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
self esteem, self worth, self love, personal development, self respect, values alignment, boundaries, people pleasing, approval seeking, integrity, character, self responsibility, relationship with self, wellbeing, burnout, self care, rest, vitality, people pleasing, chronic stress, shame, social anxiety, personal growth, transformation, limiting beliefs, discomfort, courage, accomplishment, agency, healthy relationships, attachment styles