#190: How to Stop the Anxious Spiral
If you've ever found yourself spinning out over something that—at least on the surface—seemed small, you're not alone. For those with anxious attachment patterns, it often doesn’t take much to send us into a full-blown spiral. A delayed text, a different tone, a subtle shift in someone’s behaviour, and suddenly we’re flooded with fear, shame, and a sense of helplessness.
These spirals can feel like being hijacked by your nervous system. One moment you're fine, the next you're on high alert, convinced something is wrong. And what makes it even harder is that you know you're spiralling. You can see it happening, but you feel powerless to stop it.
Let’s talk about why this happens—and more importantly, how to interrupt the spiral before it takes over.
Why the Spiral Happens
Anxious spiralling is usually triggered by something relatively innocuous. Maybe you haven’t received a response to a message, or your partner is quieter than usual, or a social media post leaves you feeling unsettled. These moments can activate deep-seated fears of rejection, abandonment, and not being enough.
Your nervous system kicks into gear, scanning for danger. You go from “something feels off” to “they’re going to leave me” in seconds. And because your system is already primed for threat, everything starts to confirm the fear: they didn’t reply → they’re losing interest → I’m about to be left. The spiral feeds on itself.
At the same time, your mind is looping through painful core beliefs—things like:
I’m too much
I always care more
People always leave
I have to be perfect to be loved
The combination of nervous system activation and painful stories is potent. It leaves you feeling unsafe, unworthy, and out of control.
The Problem With “Just Calm Down”
In this state, logic rarely helps. You can know something intellectually and still not be able to feel safe. That’s because the body is calling the shots. Your system is mobilised, your heart rate is up, your breath is shallow, and you're interpreting the world through a lens of threat.
That’s why telling yourself to “calm down” rarely works. What you need in these moments is regulation—a way to bring your system back to safety, so your brain can come back online and help you make sense of what’s really going on.
How to Interrupt the Spiral
The goal is not to never feel anxious. It’s to recognise when you’re spiralling and offer yourself the tools to shift course. Here’s how:
1. Notice and name what’s happening
Catch yourself early. “I’m starting to spiral. My heart is racing. My mind is going to worst-case scenarios.” Name it gently, without shame. The earlier you catch it, the easier it is to interrupt.
2. Create space between you and the trigger
Put your phone down. Walk away. Step outside. Whatever the trigger is—especially if it’s a digital one—create physical and emotional distance. This helps widen the tunnel vision and gives your system a chance to recalibrate.
3. Ground into the present moment
Use your senses to bring yourself back. Look at the sky, feel your feet on the ground, take a few deep breaths. Remind yourself, “Right here, right now, I am safe.”
4. Challenge the urgency
Remind yourself that you don’t have to act immediately. That text can wait. You don’t need to send another message or demand answers right this second. The sense of urgency is coming from fear—not fact.
5. Interrupt the behaviour loop
Spirals often lead to compulsive actions—scrolling, texting, over-explaining. Interrupt that loop. Get your body moving instead. Go for a walk, shake out your arms, or stretch. These small resets can help discharge the anxious energy.
The Deeper Work
While these in-the-moment tools are incredibly helpful, they’re only one part of the puzzle. The deeper work lies in healing the core beliefs and building a more secure relationship with yourself. Because if you’re constantly walking around with the story “I’m not enough” or “Everyone leaves me,” you’re going to feel triggered by even neutral moments.
That’s where self-worth work comes in. That’s where nervous system regulation becomes part of your everyday life, not just something you reach for when you’re in crisis. And that’s where you start to show up as your own source of steadiness.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Highlighted Links
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
When you notice yourself starting to spiral into anxiety in your relationships, what are some of the earliest signs in your body or thinking patterns? How might you intervene more lovingly at this stage?
How do feelings of helplessness or a lack of control show up for you during moments of relationship anxiety? In what ways could reclaiming even a small sense of agency make a difference in your experience?
Think of a recent scenario where you found yourself catastrophising or making negative assumptions about your partner’s behaviour. What core beliefs or fears do you think were triggered in that moment?
When you’re feeling distressed by a perceived threat to your relationship, what kind of self-talk do you notice? Are you able to differentiate between what’s actually happening and the stories your mind is telling you?
Have you ever tried pausing and physically removing yourself from the source of your anxiety, as suggested in the episode? If so, how did it feel, and what did you notice about your ability to regulate your emotions?
Reflecting on your attachment patterns, what role does self-abandonment play? In what ways do you find yourself ignoring your own needs or soothing yourself during anxious moments?
What would it look like for you to act from your “inner wise adult” when you’re activated, rather than letting your fear drive your choices? Can you imagine an example from your own life?
How do you typically respond to shame when it arises about your attachment-related behaviours? Is there a kinder or more supportive way you could show up for yourself in those moments?
When you begin to feel anxious, how often do you focus on regulating your nervous system before taking action? What practical strategies could you experiment with to build this habit?
Looking at the bigger picture, how might shifting your relationship with your own self-worth and sense of safety impact your experience of romantic relationships? What’s one step you could take towards nurturing this inner security?
Feel free to use these for journalling, discussion with a partner, or simply as prompts for deeper self-inquiry as you reflect on the episode.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to stop the anxious spiraling. So this is one that I know will be very broadly applicable and familiar terrain for so many of us who struggle with anxious attachment patterns and anxiety in our relationships. This sense that one small thing can trigger you and very quickly you'll find yourself snowballing into a full blown panic, really, really activated nervous system, feeling really out of control, feeling really, really stressed, and not really knowing what to do with that. I think for me, that's really one of the hallmarks of these kinds of patterns for people with anxious attachment is not only that it feels like you're almost possessed by a force greater than yourself, and you can see it happening in real time, but you also feel really powerless. You feel like you're at the mercy of this thing that's happening to you, and that in and of itself can be even more distressing, because really, our nervous system responds very well to having a sense of choice and agency, and really spirals very understandably when we feel helpless or powerless. And so the very fact that we don't necessarily feel like we're in control of these triggers tends to exacerbate the emotional response that we're having. So it becomes this really vicious cycle where one thing sets us off, and then it picks up some steam, and then it sets off this whole cascade of responses in our body, which in turn shapes the thoughts that we're having, which in turn, you know, further activates our nervous system.
[00:02:10]:
And it's really, really hard to shift out of it once you're in it, particularly if you don't have the tools and awareness of what's going on. And I think all of this is made more difficult by the fact that so many people struggle with shame around it. I think in any circumstance where we feel like we're behaving in a way that we're maybe not proud of, and we feel helpless to stop that behavior or to do something differently, that tends to produce shame, which again, tends only to exacerbate the whole thing. So, if this is something that you struggle with, know that you're far from alone, and in today's episode I'm going to be sharing a bit of context for what's actually going on when we get stuck in these spirals from both a nervous system point of view, so looking at the body, but also looking at the thoughts that we're having. So both a bottom up and a top down point of view. And sharing tools from each of these perspectives so that you can interrupt those patterns and actually feel like you have a bit more capacity to do something about it, so that you can actually step into the driver's seat of your experience rather than feeling like you're a passenger and you're going somewhere where you don't want to be going. I think, again, that is one of the hardest things is we can almost see ourselves hitting the self destruct button in real time, sending the message, doing the thing. But again, it's like we're possessed by a force greater than us.
[00:03:27]:
And I know how hard all of that can be. I have certainly been there in the past. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Before I dive into that, just a reminder in case you missed it, that my secure self challenge is coming back in a couple of weeks time. On the June 16, we'll be kicking off the next round. Super early bird pricing is still available for another day, so you can join the four week challenge for just 97 US dollars. And that includes all of the challenge materials, a pop up community space for accountability and connection, as well as support from me, and two live Q and A calls with me as well. So it's a really great value offer, and a really nice way to hit the reset button on your inner relationship if that's something that you've been struggling with.
[00:04:08]:
So if you're interested in joining the challenge, I think we've already got 50 or so people signed up in the last couple of days, which is amazing, it's going to be a really great group. And you can head to my website or click the link in the show notes if you're interested to join us. Okay, so let's talk about what's going on when we get into these anxious spirals. So as I said, this will be a very familiar experience for a lot of us. So something maybe fairly innocuous happens. You're waiting for a response to a text message, or your partner gets home and they're a little quieter than usual, or you see something pop up on social media that activates something within you. A lot of the time, the initial trigger is not some big dramatic moment, but it doesn't take much. We know that about anxious attachment, that we have this hypersensitivity, this hyper vigilance to threat.
[00:05:02]:
That means we are always poised and at the ready, and our radar is very, very attuned to anything and everything that could signal impending abandonment, disconnection, any sort of rupture. And so even if everything is ostensibly okay, you are probably very, very attuned to, you know, usually my partner responds to text messages right away, and they've read this message, but they're not responding, or their tone is slightly different to usual, or maybe they usually put an x at the end, but they haven't today, or I called them and it rang twice and then stopped, which means that they rejected the call rather than letting it ring out. What would that mean? Who are they with? What are they doing? Why wouldn't they answer the call? And then it starts, right? And before you know it, without anything really having happened necessarily, it's like the snowball has started to roll down the hill. And it's amazing how quickly our own system can heighten that threat, can add fuel to the fire, and increase the momentum of that spiral. So, to break this down in terms of what's actually happening, and I should say, I go into this in a lot more detail in my new free training around healing anxious attachment. The interplay between our nervous system and our core beliefs, and how they kind of bounce off each other. So our nervous system perceives a threat and goes: Oh, something doesn't feel right here, something's dangerous. This is reminding me of some thing that I've experienced in the past that led to pain, disconnection, loss, disappointment, or whatever the thing might be.
[00:06:37]:
So, if someone doesn't respond to a text message and you've got deep seeded fears around abandonment, rejection, that I can never really trust in the steadiness of relationships because it always gets taken away from me, people always leave me. If you feel that there's a difference in your partner's tone, you know, that they're suddenly being a little less warm towards you or less responsive, your nervous system that is so primed to look out for threats to the relationship goes: That's the sign we've been looking for. I told you this was going to happen. This is it. They're going to leave us. Something bad is about to happen. And start sounding the alarm. Right? For people whose system tends towards hyperactivation, it's really hard to just switch the alarm off when the alarm starts ringing.
[00:07:18]:
It's sort of like, if your smoke alarm was going off really, really loudly, very hard to ignore, and it does mobilize so much of your body's resources. The tricky thing about all of that is once we are mobilized, once we're into this stress response, that really profoundly shapes our perception of a situation. It's almost like we put on a pair of goggles, and everything we see through that is tinted with stress, danger, threat. And so, when our body is in that mode, and that's where we're coming from, then everything that happens subsequent to that is going to be filtered through this lens of something bad is about to happen. And so, of course, if we're looking for clues for that, if we're looking for evidence to support the story that something bad is going to happen, we're going to find it. So if your partner is a little slow to respond to a text message, and then you ring them and they don't pick up, all of a sudden them not picking up is confirmation that something bad is absolutely happening, right? So recognizing that the state of our nervous system really profoundly affects our perception of things. And then looking more at the cognitive piece to all of this, our negative core beliefs, many of which are deeply woven into our subconscious, although they may be close to the surface for you. Things like I'm not good enough, things like people always leave me, things like people can't be trusted, maybe I'm always more invested in the relationship than the other person, I always care more, I always have to work so hard in order to be loved, I have to be perfect in order to be loved, if I make a mistake, someone's gonna leave me, I'm too much, I'm too needy.
[00:08:49]:
All of these beliefs that sit underneath our anxious attachment patterns, those beliefs also act as something of a filter through which we interpret things. So if that's our blueprint for the way that we relate to ourselves and other people, and the world, and our relationships, then something fairly neutral happens and we are taking that and making all of this meaning based off what we believe to be true and what we expect. So again, your partner might be untalkative after a long day, and you take that very personally to mean that they don't care about you, they're not happy to see you, they're never putting in effort. If they loved you, they would whatever, right? And it might just be as simple as they're tired. But because we have all of these stories, that really profoundly shapes our experience, and then again, those stories have us primed to look for threat, rejection, abandonment, all of those things that triggers our nervous system, and then the nervous system triggers all of the stories. So you can see again how the interplay between what's going on in our nervous system and all of those subconscious beliefs, how they sort of bounce off each other to create these spirals that once they kick off can be really really hard to interrupt if you don't have the right tools and awareness to be able to see it for what it is, and change course. So let's talk about how to do that, because it is absolutely possible. It's not something that you have to be at the mercy of, because really, understanding how to work with your nervous system rather than just let the train pull away from the platform and derail you, is such a powerful thing and it's really at the core of so much of what I teach.
[00:10:31]:
Being able to distance yourself a little bit, to really know what the cues for dysregulation in your own system are, so that you can go: Ah, yes, I know what's going on. I'm feeling a bit dysregulated. My heart rate is increasing. Maybe I'm feeling some tingling in my fingers. My breath is shortening. I'm feeling some heat in my face. My stomach is clenching. All of these cues of I'm going into a stress response right now, my body is perceiving some sort of threat or danger, and it's trying to prepare me to deal with that.
[00:11:02]:
Even just being able to notice that, rather than being swept up in it, and feeling like we're a passenger, going like, Oh yeah, look at these things that are happening in my body, isn't that interesting? And really just slowing down, and taking a breath, and really consciously orienting to the experience that we're having, rather than resisting it and going, what's going on? Oh, this is so terrible. Something really bad is happening. Being able to recognize like, oh yeah, my nervous system is dysregulated, and that is why I'm having all of these thoughts, and that's why I'm perceiving all this danger. I can see that for what it is without having to take all of the thoughts that I'm having as fact. I can actually recognize that those thoughts are a very natural byproduct of the state that I'm in, and that if I can make it my priority to bring some more regulation into my system, to down regulate, to move some of that energy if I need to, to complete that stress response rather than just acting on all of the impulses that it might be serving up to me, then that's going to free up a lot more choice, and that's ultimately what we want in these spirals, because it's almost like we're in a tunnel and it's really narrowing our choice. And again, our nervous system doesn't like a feeling of not having choice, of having our back up against the wall, and that creates this mounting urgency and stress and panic. So what we want to do is consciously orient back out, so slowing down, pausing, reminding ourselves that there is no urgency, we don't need to take action. If you haven't got a response to a text message, or your partner hasn't called you back, you don't need to ring them again straight away, nothing bad is going to happen, it's okay.
[00:12:36]:
And really just reminding ourselves, like, right here, right now, I am safe. What do I really know here? What are the facts? Can I just ground myself in reality and trust that I have enough time and space to take a few breaths? Nothing could possibly be so urgent that I can't put my phone down and take a few deep breaths, or go for a walk around the block, get some fresh air, look at the sky, look at the trees, and just remind myself that actually, I'm safe. Because really your body is telling you, you are not safe. And as much as that can feel so real and true, and of course relational challenges are really hard. It's registering in your nervous system, like I'm in danger. And so we need to find ways to remind our system, like I'm not in danger. I'm okay. Right? Even if the worst thing were to happen in my relationship, I'm not in danger.
[00:13:28]:
And the more that we can bring that loving presence to our own system, that reassuring, calming, grounding sense of security, that is a very, very empowering thing to be able to do for yourself. So that's really what you want to be able to do in the short term, is to bring a little bit more space, a little more regulation, so that you can interrupt that spiral rather than just riding the wave, right? So as soon as you notice yourself starting to spiral, you want to interrupt whatever it is you're doing. So if you're on your phone, as I think is so often the case, these spirals start with something to do with our tampons, put the phone down, like you really have to be self responsible and boundaried here, I know it's so addictive and hard to do, but put the phone down and walk away. You need to create some physical space between you and whatever the trigger is that is leading you to spiral. Similarly, if you're in the physical company of someone and maybe they've said something or done something, or they are being a bit disengaged and that's triggering you and you're starting to spiral and you notice yourself wanting to react or lash out, pause, walk away. Right? Not in a dramatic way, not in a punitive, protest y way, just in a way where you're extricating yourself from the situation that is triggering you, so that you can create a bit of breathing room, and you can again, I want you to think about that, like, rather than the tunnel narrowing, I want to widen out my lens because that's going to be really, really grounding. And actually, literally doing that by going outside and looking at the horizon, looking at the sky, looking at the trees, that can often be a very, very grounding resource for you that is almost always available. And so then, the other big piece of this, that's kind of the emergency response stuff, right? It's like, what do I do in the moment to interrupt the spiral? And if you can just do that, you're going to be a lot better off than not having that in your pocket.
[00:15:16]:
I think the broader work is around understanding what the core beliefs are that are triggering us all the time. What are those sensitivities that are leading us to be so hyper vigilant to threat? And again, I talk about this in my free training, but I like to use the analogy of that kind of nervous system stuff you can think of as using a fire extinguisher. And as a side note, I think nervous system work is so much more than just in the moment reactivity. I think it should be a part of your everyday practice of self care, to be building your capacity and really nourishing yourself. But in this specific context, those kind of nervous system pattern interrupts, like using the fire extinguisher, and then our core belief stuff, so really digging in, like what are the underlying wounds here that I'm working so hard to protect all the time? That's the longer term work, that's how we stop lighting the fires all the time, so that we don't need to rely on the fire extinguishers so much. And that is really the longer term work of building self worth, of understanding those abandonment fears, those rejection fears. And really I think a big part of that is all the ways that we abandon and reject ourselves because invariably that is there. I've never in all the thousands of people I've worked with met someone who has these really big, deep abandonment and rejection fears, who doesn't routinely abandon and reject themselves.
[00:16:43]:
And so almost always the work does begin with us, and rewiring that inner relationship. Again, this is at the very heart of everything that I preach and teach and share here and everywhere else. It really, for anxiously attached people, the work starts within. As much as we want to look out there and control everything out there as a way to create safety for ourselves, we have to build up that inner wellspring of self trust and this sense of, I will have my own back, I am capable, I'm safe, everything's going to be okay. We need to be able to give that to ourselves before we can ever hope to really feel that and trust that in our relationships. So I hope that that's been helpful. This feels like such a big topic, and I know that it's a really hard one, but I'm hoping that in giving you a bit of a bird's eye view on, like, what's going on there in your system, the interplay between your nervous system and those core beliefs, and how they tend to reinforce each other and fuel these spirals, and what you can do in the moment to just pause, slow down, interrupt, zoom out, and really exercising a lot of maturity and self responsibility around that, rather than just chasing that feeling, chasing the fear, and acting in these really, maybe impulsive ways that we even know in the moment are going to backfire. We know that they're not going to be the thing that's going to help us or bring us relief, but we tell ourselves, I can't help it.
[00:18:06]:
And I think that really, finding a part within you who can be mature and self responsible, your inner wise adult who says, Okay, I'm going to try and do something differently this time, that is such powerful work and it really that is what change looks like in those moments, pausing, slowing down and saying, I'm going to try and do something differently rather than doing the thing I've always done. And then the aggregation of all of those little moments of exercising choice and agency in the direction of a new way of being, that compounds over time and it really does pay dividends in terms of not only your relationship to other people, but I would say most importantly, your relationship to yourself, because you stop feeling so helpless and powerless, and at the mercy of someone else to make you feel better, and that is truly liberating. Okay, I'm going to leave it there. If what I've talked about today has resonated with you, I really do encourage you to join the Secure Self Challenge. We talk about all of these different expressions of self worth, as well as self regulation as part of that self care, self respect. These are all the themes that we work through in a really tangible, actionable way over a twenty eight day period. It's It's not too content heavy. It's kind of short and sweet audio lessons, and again, there's a live community and stuff like that.
[00:19:20]:
So it's a really great little bite sized intro to all of this stuff if you are wanting to go deeper. And if that's not for you, at the very least do check out my free training, because that does go deeper into what we've talked about today, and give you a little bit more context as to all of those pieces, the nervous system stuff, the core beliefs, and how they interact to produce these experiences of dysregulation that we all know so well, and where we need to focus our energy and attention in shifting those patterns. Okay. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I look forward to seeing you again next week.
[00:19:52]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, anxious spiraling, nervous system regulation, attachment styles, relationship anxiety, insecurity in relationships, self regulation, core beliefs, abandonment fears, rejection sensitivity, hypervigilance, emotional triggers, self worth, building self trust, healthy relationships, breaking negative cycles, emotional dysregulation, practical tools for anxiety, self care practices, stopping negative thoughts, interrupting emotional spirals, nervous system dysregulation, overthinking in relationships, emotional agency, relationship coaching, shame in attachment, self responsibility, Secure Self Challenge, healing attachment, creating emotional safety