#249: The First 30 Days After a Breakup
Breakups have a way of turning life upside down.
Even when a relationship wasn’t right, the end of it can still bring grief, confusion, anxiety, loneliness, and a deep sense of disorientation. And in those first few weeks especially, many people move through the experience in survival mode—just trying to get through each day.
That’s understandable. But it’s also why the first 30 days after a breakup matter so much.
This early period can either become the start of a downward spiral, or the beginning of a powerful turning point. Not because you need to “move on” quickly or pretend you’re fine—but because there are ways to support yourself through heartbreak with more care, intention, and self-respect.
If you’re in the thick of it right now, this is your roadmap.
1. Prioritise Immaculate Self-Care
When you’re heartbroken, self-care often feels impossible.
Some people become highly anxious and activated—ruminating constantly, checking their phone every five minutes, obsessing over what their ex is doing, desperate for answers or contact.
Others swing into shutdown mode—can’t get out of bed, can’t face chores, eating poorly, withdrawing from life entirely.
Both responses make sense. They’re nervous system reactions to loss and perceived threat.
But this is exactly why self-care matters most now.
Not performative self-care. Not bubble baths and expensive skincare (unless that genuinely helps). But the basics that stabilise your body and environment:
Eat nourishing meals
Shower and get dressed
Go outside daily
Move your body
Keep regular sleep routines
Drink water
Maintain some structure in your day
These simple acts send a powerful message to yourself:
Even in pain, I am worthy of care.
2. Make Your Space Feel Safe and Supportive
Your environment affects your nervous system more than you may realise.
If your home feels chaotic—laundry piles, dirty dishes, darkness, clutter—it can amplify overwhelm and emotional heaviness.
You do not need perfection. But you do need support.
Try creating a space that feels calming and nurturing:
Make your bed each morning
Open windows for fresh air
Let in natural light
Tidy one area at a time
Buy yourself flowers
Light a candle
Change the sheets
Create a cosy corner for reading or journaling
When everything feels uncertain, caring for your environment helps restore a sense of steadiness.
3. Set Boundaries With Your Ex
This is one of the hardest—but most important—steps.
Many people try to ease breakup pain by staying in contact:
One more conversation
Checking in “as friends”
Seeing how they’re doing
Keeping the door open just in case
But ongoing contact often keeps wounds open.
Your mind and body need space to process the reality that this relationship has changed. If your ex is still woven into your everyday routine, that healing process becomes much harder.
For many people, a period of no contact can be deeply supportive.
Not as punishment.
Not as a strategy to get them back.
But as a boundary that allows you to heal.
No contact isn’t about counting down the days until you speak again. It’s about creating enough space for your life to begin moving forward.
4. Reduce Mindless Screen Time
Heartbreak and phones can be a brutal combination.
When you’re hurting, it’s easy to fall into:
Stalking your ex on social media
Reading old messages repeatedly
Consuming breakup content obsessively
Doom scrolling late into the night
Searching for signs, answers, or reassurance online
But usually, this increases anxiety and keeps you emotionally stuck.
Try creating gentle boundaries:
Remove social media apps temporarily
Mute or unfollow your ex
Keep your phone in another room at night
Limit scrolling windows during the day
Replace screen time with podcasts, books, walks, or music
The goal isn’t perfection—it’s reducing behaviours that intensify pain.
5. Start Reconnecting With Yourself
Many people don’t just lose a partner in a breakup.
They lose the version of themselves that existed inside the relationship.
Especially in anxious or codependent dynamics, it’s common to over-focus on the other person and slowly disconnect from your own wants, needs, interests, and identity.
So after a breakup, you may find yourself asking:
Who am I now?
What do I even like?
What do I want my life to look like?
Who am I when I’m not someone’s partner?
These questions can feel painful—but they’re also an invitation.
This can become a season of rediscovery.
Try asking yourself:
What energises me?
What hobbies have I neglected?
What friendships need nurturing?
What version of me wants to emerge now?
This is where healing becomes more than recovery. It becomes transformation.
6. Don’t Rush Back Into Dating
It’s tempting after heartbreak to seek relief through attention, validation, or new connection.
Dating apps can feel like medicine when self-worth is bruised.
But often, it’s just a short-term distraction from pain that still needs to be processed.
There’s nothing wrong with dating again when you’re ready—but rushing into it to fill the void rarely creates lasting healing.
A conscious season of singleness can be incredibly powerful.
Not empty.
Not lonely by definition.
But intentional.
A time to rebuild your relationship with yourself.
7. Be Intentional About What You Consume
What you listen to, read, and absorb during heartbreak matters.
Choose content that genuinely supports you.
That might mean:
Podcasts that feel grounding and hopeful
Books that inspire growth
Fiction that offers relief and escape
Content that reminds you of your strength
Voices that help you feel empowered, not inadequate
And if self-development content starts making you feel like a broken project that needs endless fixing, step away from it for a while.
Sometimes softness is the medicine.
A Breakup Can Become a Turning Point
Right now, it may simply feel painful.
But many people look back on heartbreak and realise:
That was the moment everything changed.
Not because the breakup itself was magical.
But because it became the point where they chose themselves.
The point where they stopped abandoning themselves.
The point where they healed old patterns.
The point where they rebuilt their life with intention.
You may not be able to see that yet.
But one day, you likely will.
Final Thoughts
The first 30 days after a breakup are not about getting over it quickly.
They are about moving through pain with dignity, care, and self-honouring.
You do not need to do this perfectly.
You just need to keep choosing the next supportive step.
And eventually, the life that feels impossible to imagine right now will begin to take shape.
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[00:00:54]:
hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is all about the first 30 days after a breakup and how you can set yourself up. Not for success. That feels like the wrong word. But to move through the breakup in the healthiest, most nourishing and supportive way possible. And I think that this is something so many of us kind of miss, particularly if a breakup catches us off guard or we're just thrust into this space of, you know, uncertainty and despair, despair and grief and confusion and anxiety. We often move through the breakup, particularly that initial critical period, in a really unconscious way. We're just trying to cope. And while that makes a lot of sense and is very normal, natural and human, there are certainly things that we can do to help ourselves through a really tough period. So if you're in it at the moment, maybe you've got a friend who's going through it and you want to send this to them.
[00:01:50]:
I'm hoping that having the clarity and the roadmap that I'm going to set out is going to be really helpful for you to just go, okay, what do I need to do? Because sometimes when we're just treading water, it's really hard to look at the big picture and go, what do I need to do here? And I think sometimes having an outside voice to be like, okay, here's what we're going to do can actually be really helpful. It's almost like when you're in a crisis and there's someone who is able to come in and just go, all right, here's the plan. I think sometimes having that can be really, really supportive. When it feels really noisy and chaotic and confusing on the inside so that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I get into that, a quick reminder for anyone who hasn't checked it out yet and who is going through a breakup or has been through a breakup recently, but still kind of feels a bit stuck in it. I have a free breakup training around the top three shifts that anxiously attached people can make that will help them heal from a breakup and really heal properly, not just survive or get through, but really to make the most of a breakup. And that includes the things to avoid, the common pitfalls that I see people really get stuck in very reliably time and time again. So if that sounds like something that might be helpful for you, definitely cheque it out.
[00:03:06]:
I'll link it in the show notes and you can register. It's totally free. Okay, so the first 30 days after a breakup, what are the things that you should be focusing on and what are the things that you should really try and avoid to help yourself out? Okay, so I think the first one is immaculate self care. Now, I know that that's not always easy to do when you're feeling really shit and out of control and disoriented and confused and upset and, you know, all you want to do is call your ex and maybe you either feel extremely anxious and really mobilised and like have all of this energy and you just frantically want to contact them, or maybe you're feeling really depressed, like despairing, can hardly get out of bed, you know, laundry piling up at the foot of your bed or in the chair in the corner and the dishes haven't been washed and all of that. And it just adds to this really visceral felt sense of overwhelm and like, I can't do this, this is all too much. So maybe you're in one of those two places, maybe you're bouncing between them. And that makes a lot of sense from a nervous system point of view without going too much into it, because it'll, you know, take me on a huge tangent. When we're in a stressed state, we tend to either go into this of activation of this feels dangerous and I need to do something.
[00:04:27]:
And that's really where anxiety lives, is this ramped up state. And a lot of us will do that after a breakup. It's like that's where all of our rumination and frantically stalking your ex on social media, checking your phone every five seconds, that's essentially an expression of, I've got all of this energy, my system's registering a threat and I just have to do something, anything I can, to feel like I'm in control of the situation. When our system perceives that all of that doing and problems solving isn't working, we sort of cross into this tipping point of I give up. And that's where we can go into that more depressive state of just like, this is all too hard, too much, I can't do it. And so you might find yourself just going between those two, or as I said, kind of setting up camp in one or the other. Either way, all that tells you is that your system is absolutely buckling under the weight of everything that you're feeling. And there's, you know, a lot of self protection in both of those strategies.
[00:05:24]:
It's basically trying to buffer all of the big painful feelings that are going on underneath it. And while there's wisdom in that, we can also see it for what it is and go, okay, I'm going through a really hard time and I need to support my system as best I can to be resourced through this very challenging experience. And a breakup, of course we can put it in perspective and say, it's just a breakup, I should be fine. But as far as your attachment system is concerned, a breakup is massive and it's really painful and there's a lot of grief in it. So rather than, you know, just trying to tell ourselves to get over it or put a silver lining on it or put it in perspective, like, yes, all of those things. And also it's a really real pain, so it makes sense that you feel it in that way. So of course the, the irony, and we can experience this in all different seasons of life, is the worse we feel, the harder it is to do the things that make us feel better. And it's really easy to just lean into the downward spiral of it all.
[00:06:22]:
Feels too hard and too much and like, I just can't when really, like, we have to try and break that spir and set ourselves on a positive trajectory, on an upward spiral, so that it becomes easier to do the things that make us feel better. And this doesn't have to be really extreme, but we do just want to help ourselves out as best we can. And so to that end, what I'd be focusing on if I were in that critical first 30 days after a breakup is making sure that my living space was as calm and welcoming and nourishing as it could possibly be. Now, of course, this might be complicated by. If you have some. Some sort of cohabitation situation with your ex and that is in flux and you don't know where you're going to be, or you have to pack and move and all of those things. So, of course, adapt this to your situation as best you can. And we're not talking about perfection here, but I would want my home environment to feel like a cosy nest, so that when I was spending time there, I felt nourished by it rather than overwhelmed.
[00:07:24]:
So I try to avoid the endless piles of laundry or the dirty dishes or whatever other things might lead you to feel a sense of overwhelm when you walk in the door, or to just want to run away and hide under the blankets from it all. We want our environment to make us feel better and not worse. So whether that's letting light and fresh air in, making your bed, buying yourself flowers, keeping things as tidy as possible, all of that might seem trivial in the context of what you're going through, but it will have an impact. It allows you to feel a little bit more grounded and under control and, you know, like, okay, I can do this. And those things are really important and they do really register in your nervous system, because remember, your nervous system's just constantly scanning and going, you know, is this situation under control? Can I do this? And all of those little things will either register as cues of safety or danger. And so we want, as much as we can, the things that are within our control to be working in our favour. But the other things that I'd be looking at here are, how am I taking care of myself? So, healthy habits again, I know it's easier said than done. And when you're feeling weighed down by all of the emotional heaviness and feeling like you're in disarray, it's really hard to be super adherent with all of your healthy habits.
[00:08:43]:
But those are the things that are going to help you to feel, again, more in control, more of a sense of agency, clearer in your body and mind. And all of that is going to work very much in your favour. So, again, it doesn't have to be perfect, but getting up in the morning and going outside and getting fresh air, maybe going for a morning walk every day, exercising, you know, whatever is part of your usual routine. I would be doing that and really trying to keep up with it. Whatever allows you to feel your best, do that. Because not only is it going to help you in obvious ways, but it actually signals to you that I am worthy of feeling good. Even when things feel really hard, I still deserve to feel nourished and well. And that is an important message to send to yourself.
[00:09:29]:
I am worthy of care. I am worthy of feeling good. So doing all of those things, eating proper food, even something as seemingly insignificant as putting effort into cooking for yourself, particularly if you're someone who would ordinarily only put effort in if you're cooking for someone else. Cook yourself a beautiful meal and put it in a nice bowl and sit down and eat it mindfully, rather than just scrolling your phone and eating leftovers on the couch. All of these things contribute to an overall environment that you are inhabiting. And I think that that is really meaningful and it does add up over time. Other things that I would think about are getting quality sleep. I know that this stuff is all really rudimentary and obvious, but these are all the things that we tend to drop when we're going through a breakup or going through any kind of difficult period.
[00:10:17]:
It can be like a difficult period at work. We just do the opposite of the thing we know we need because we already feel depleted. And yet that's the cycle we need to break. We need to do the things that refill us and replenish us rather than the things that drain us further. On that note, screen time. I know I don't want to sound like, you know, someone who's lecturing you about screen time, but we all know that, like, doom scrolling is not the thing that's going to make us feel better. It just numbs us out. And while there's a time and a place for that, if you know that your screen time is massively skyrocketed after a breakup, just know that that is going to be making you feel more anxious and depressed.
[00:10:54]:
Quite simply, it's very unlikely to be helping you out. Particular, particularly if you know that part of your screen time habits is obsessively monitoring what your ex is doing or consuming a lot of content that is feeding the anxiety that you're feeling. Put boundaries in place around it, put your phone in a box, and on the other side of the house or whatever, just give yourself some space and try to come back to the real world so that you can remind yourself that, okay, there is goodness here. Everything hasn't fallen apart, the world isn't ending, I'm okay and I have choices. And the sun is going to come up again and it's a new day. What am I going to make of it? All of those things really do add up to an overall picture that feels more hopeful and optimistic, even though it's hard. And it's again, not about just, you know, stiff upper lip or putting A positive spin on what's a shitty time. It's about supporting ourselves through a shitty time as best we can.
[00:11:49]:
Another really big one. I know that this is something a lot of people have a lot of resistance to, but putting in place boundaries around your communication with your ex. So ideally, having a period of no contact that is agreed upon just so that you can create the space away from them. Particularly if your pattern is to want to talk to them constantly and have one more conversation and one more conversation, or, you know, to cheque in on them or have them cheque in on you. It's really, really hard to process a breakup if you're having continuous contact with your ex. And if there's no kind of time and space away, no break in the continuity of communication, it's really hard for your brain to actually process that this person is no longer your partner because the attachment isn't just going to switch off overnight. And so we actually need to give ourselves the time and space to reconfigure our maps of the world without them being a part of our everyday life. And that's a really important process that we can only really do by experience and through having, you know, a new everyday rhythm that doesn't involve them.
[00:12:54]:
So having that time and space away. And, you know, people always ask me, how long should a no contact period be? My answer is always as long as it takes, such that you're no longer counting down the days. Because a no contact period is not meant to be hitting the pause button and marking the days on the calendar until you're allowed to speak to them again. If that's the place that you're in, then you probably need more time because you're still obsessed with them, you're still fixated on them, you're still on the edge of your seat waiting to talk to them. And that kind of defeats the whole purpose. So the point of no contact is to give you the space to move your life forward and start a new chapter afresh without the confusion of having that ongoing contact with your ex. If that still feels kind of emotionally tethered and murky. And the last piece, and this may or may not happen in the first 30 days.
[00:13:43]:
It really depends on the circumstances and, you know, how the breakup has impacted you. We will all move through breakups at a different pace. So it's really not about, you know, taking too long to grieve or anything like that. But a really key piece that will come a little bit later is starting to figure out who you are again and Rediscover yourself. And that can be a beautiful, exciting season of, you know, really embodying more of who you are. Because for a lot of us, particularly if the relationship was challenging, you know, self abandonment is real. Self loss is a real part of the pattern for many of us, particularly with more anxious, attachment, codependent kind of relationship dynamics, we can sort of just adopt someone else's preferences and needs and whatever, like it's all about them. And a lot of the time that comes from us making it all about them.
[00:14:34]:
We tell ourselves that that's how we make ourselves lovable and low maintenance and easy to be with, is by just deferring to what the other person wants all the time. And that's a conversation for another day. But what happens as a result of that is we kind of lose touch with who we are and what we think and feel and want and what our preferences are and what our hobbies are and all of the things. And that can be a source of grief post breakup because we can realise, like, I don't even know who I am without this person. But it also presents an opportunity to, you know, go back out into the world and go, okay, who do I want to be? Who am I? What do I love doing? What excites me, what makes me feel alive? And doing that independent of being someone's partner is a really, really powerful thing to devote yourself to. And so as I said, while you may not get there in the first 30 days, it's certainly something to start turning your mind as you move into the next chapter and maybe setting that as your intention, even if you're not there yet, that I'm going to devote this period of time to rediscovering myself and reconnecting with who I am. And I think as part of that, deciding to not jump straight back into dating, I think sometimes if you're feeling a lot of scarcity or you're feeling like your self worth has been bruised, just like getting back on the dating apps can be a bit of a band aid, a way to get some validation or attention and that might temporarily boost your ego, but it's probably just going to be a really short term fix. It's unlikely that.
[00:16:15]:
I would say for most people, getting straight back on the horse is probably not a good idea, particularly if you know you have some stuff to process from the previous relationship and the breakup. Just distracting yourself by going on more dates or talking to new people is probably not the thing you need, even if it feels good in the short term. So I think having a conscious period of singleness and setting that. That container for yourself, setting that intention is a really good idea. And starting to dip your toe into, okay, what does my next chapter look like? And allowing yourself to be inspired by the possibility of what this next season might bring, rather than, you know, jumping straight back into exploring more connections as a way to fill the void. Because that's really not where we want to be approaching dating from. I think one more thing that can be really useful in the first 30 days is, you know, it's kind of related to the screen time thing. Being really mindful of what you consume and actually gravitating towards, towards material content, whatever, that feels inspiring and uplifting, that gives you hope for the future, that places you in your agency and allows you to feel like, okay, I've got this.
[00:17:22]:
So whether that's like, you know, listening to audiobooks or podcasts or whatever, that feel like the tone of self development, that feels supportive for you, and that will be different for everyone at different times, but something that allows you to feel empowered, I think that's a really good idea. Or maybe if you know that self development is something that just leads you to feel like you are a project that needs endless work, maybe stepping away from it altogether and just like reading fiction books for a month and allowing yourself to kind of get lost in something that feels a little bit more light, maybe that is the medicine you need. But the point is just to be mindful. And I think mindless consumption or, you know, constant seeking of things from a place of inadequacy is probably not what you need right now. So just being really intentional and deliberate and kind of knowing yourself and going, where is this coming from within me? Does it feel supportive? And if. If not, can I put it down for this period of time when I really want to focus on just giving myself the medicine that I need? Okay. So I hope that that has been helpful. Guys, if you are in the thick of it, I'm sending you so much love.
[00:18:32]:
I know how hard it is, but I also know how much of an opportunity a breakup presents. And it is a turning point where we can say, okay, I am going to take back the reins. I'm not going to allow this to be the start of some downward spiral. I'm actually going to decide that a year from now, five years from now, I'm going to look back on this and go, that was the point at which everything changed. Because I decided that that was going to be the point at which everything changed. And sometimes it's really hard to see the gift when you're in the thick of it. But every experience we have, we can find the gift. And so maybe you can feel it now, even though you're in it.
[00:19:10]:
Maybe it's something that will only become apparent in hindsight, but I think that really is, you know, what we want to be striving for in a breakup is like, how can I make the most of what's a really challenging time? How can I move through this with integrity and dignity and grace and self honouring? So I think that's really if we want to set an intention around a breakup, it should almost always be that. That. Okay, sending you lots of love reminder again to cheque out the free breakup training if you are going through it. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
breakup, first 30 days after breakup, self care, healing after breakup, attachment system, anxiety, despair, grief, uncertainty, nervous system, overwhelm, rumination, self protection, boundaries, no contact, communication with ex, home environment, healthy habits, agency, emotional healing, screen time, doom scrolling, cohabitation, single life, self discovery, rediscovering yourself, dating after breakup, self development, inspiration, personal growth, life after breakup