#99 Attachment Styles & Break-Ups

LISTEN: APPLE | SPOTIFY

In today’s episode, we’re talking all about attachment styles and break-ups.

Break-ups are difficult no matter who you are, but understanding how different attachment styles affect one's experience can offer valuable insights into the emotional landscape post-separation. Attachment styles, an aspect of psychological theory, play a critical role in how individuals process relationships and, subsequently, the end of those relationships. Here, we delve into the contrasting experiences of anxious and avoidant attachment styles during break-ups.

Anxious Attachment: The Struggle with Loss

For those with an anxious attachment style, break-ups can feel extraordinarily challenging. Individuals with this attachment style often place a high value on connection and see their relationship as an anchor, contributing to their sense of safety and identity. This dependence on the relationship can lead to a tendency to prioritise it over other aspects of life, such as friendships, hobbies, and even career goals.

When the relationship ends, the anxious person might feel an overwhelming sense of failure and loss. This isn't just the loss of a relationship, but also the loss of their perceived source of stability and purpose. The immediate reaction can involve a frantic need to reconnect, as the void left by the relationship feels too daunting to face alone.

It's common for those with an anxious attachment style to become preoccupied with their ex-partner post-break-up. Actions like checking social media for updates or looking for signs of their ex's current emotional state can become all-consuming. This obsessive behaviour is a way to manage the overwhelming emotions of rejection and uncertainty. However, this only serves to delay the necessary process of healing and personal growth.

Avoidant Attachment: Seeking Relief in Solitude

Contrastingly, individuals with an avoidant attachment style have a different experience. For avoidant individuals, relationships can already feel like a substantial emotional labour, detracting from their preferred state of independence and aloneness. As a relationship becomes strained, the avoidant person's instinct is to withdraw, feeling drained and overwhelmed by the emotional demands placed upon them.

When a break-up occurs, the primary response for an avoidant individual is often one of relief. The end of the relationship signifies the end of the stress and the return to a more comfortable state of solitude. This sense of relief does not necessarily mean they didn't value their partner or the relationship; rather, it indicates their low tolerance for prolonged conflict and heightened emotional states.

In the immediate aftermath of a break-up, avoidant individuals might engage in activities that distract them, such as socialising more, immersing themselves in work, or picking up new hobbies. These activities serve the purpose of avoiding the emotional reckoning that follows a break-up, providing a temporary shield against the feelings of loss and sadness. However, it is common for the emotional impact to surface later, potentially weeks after the separation.

Misunderstandings and Projections

The diverging reactions of anxious and avoidant individuals can lead to significant misunderstandings. Anxious individuals may look at their avoidant ex-partner's apparent ease post-break-up and assume they never cared about the relationship. On the other hand, avoidant individuals may interpret the anxious person's heightened emotional state as excessive or irrational.

These projections are based on each attachment style's approach to emotional processing and coping. Anxious individuals assume that if their ex-partner truly cared, they would also be in a state of visible distress. Meanwhile, avoidant individuals may fail to understand the depth of the anxious partner's emotional investment, leading to further miscommunication and misinterpretation.

Focusing on Self-Healing

For both attachment styles, the key to healing post-break-up lies in redirecting focus from the former partner to oneself. For anxious individuals, this involves shifting their energy from the relationship to building a stronger sense of self. Developing self-worth, self-respect, and self-trust can create a more secure emotional foundation, reducing the need to cling to a partner for stability.

Avoidant individuals, meanwhile, could benefit from fostering a deeper emotional awareness. Instead of strictly avoiding the discomfort that follows a break-up, facing those feelings and understanding their roots can lead to more meaningful personal growth. This involves recognising their tendencies to withdraw and working towards more balanced ways of managing emotions and relationships.

Conclusion

Understanding the nuances of how different attachment styles experience break-ups can foster empathy and self-awareness. While an anxious attachment might lead to feelings of intense loss and fixation, an avoidant attachment may initially result in relief and later sadness. Both experiences are valid and form part of the complex tapestry of human relationships. Ultimately, the journey through a break-up can be an opportunity for profound personal development, teaching us to build healthier and more secure connections in future relationships.

Use the code PHOENIX to save $150 off Higher Love - stephanierigg.com/higher-love

FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust

• Download the free guide: Attachment 101

• Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment

• Visit my website

---

You might also like…

---

Episode Transcript

Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:

Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we are talking all about breakups and specifically how different attachment styles, people with different attachment patterns are likely to experience and respond to breakups. So I know I say this at the start of every episode, but this is something that I get asked about a lot, particularly from my anxious attachers. No surprises there. And people wondering a why breakups feel so intensely hard for people with anxious attachment patterns, but also desperately trying to decipher what their often avoidant leaning ex partner is thinking, feeling why would they do this? Why aren't they doing that? And while you would know, if you're familiar with my work, my approach that I usually will politely decline to join you in analysing and hypothesising about someone's behaviour, why would they do this? What does it mean when they do that? I think that playing that game actually just keeps us more stuck and so I usually opt out of that and gently discourage you from spending too much time and energy in that, spinning around in the hypothesising.

Stephanie Rigg [00:01:44]:

At the same time, there are some clearly observed differences in the way that folks with anxious attachment patterns tend to process and experience a breakup compared with those who have more avoided patterns. And I think that in having a conversation around this we can cultivate greater understanding and be less inclined to project our own way onto the other person's behaviour and interpret accordingly. So I think again, and we do this all throughout relationships, right? All throughout the life cycle of a relationship. I think without conscious awareness, we do tend to project and receive someone's behaviour as what it would mean if we did that, notwithstanding that we're coming from completely different places, we have completely different sensitivities and values and all of those things. We put ourselves in their shoes and then construct meaning and it tends to give a very inaccurate and distorted and one sided view of things, which, spoiler alert, usually makes things worse because we then craft these painful stories out of it. So

I'm hoping that in today's episode I can give you a bit more context for that and probably more of an insight into that avoidant experience post breakup, so that you can understand that, depersonalise it a little and hopefully keep your eyes on your own paper, stay in your own lane a little, and support yourself as best you can. If you are going through a breakup, or maybe you've been through a breakup and you've had a lot of unanswered questions and wondered these same things, so hopefully I can give you some insights there. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.

Stephanie Rigg [00:03:31]:

The first being you might have heard me announce that I'm holding a Live Master class in a couple of weeks time on Building Trust. So this will be a 90 minutes. Although in the past I've tended to go a little overtime, so probably 90 minutes to 2 hours. Live Masterclass where we'll be talking all about trust, both self trust and relational trust, how to build trust, looking at trust wounds, rebuilding after infidelity, whether you've got kind of legacy trust issues from a previous relationship, how to learn to trust yourself more, intuition, all of those topics will be woven in. Even as I'm saying this, I'm wondering how I'm going to fit it all into 2 hours. But anyway, that's what we're going to do. If you'd like to come along to that. I would love to see as many of you there as possible.

Stephanie Rigg [00:04:17]:

There will be a recording that you'll have access to afterwards as well. If you're unable to join Live or you just want to revisit the material and you can find the link to that in the show notes or directly on my website. Second quick announcements just to share the featured review, which is I've listened to a few episodes and already learnt so much.

Stephanie's calm, kind, compassionate approach is helping me understand relationships and myself at a deeper level. Thank you Stephanie. Keep on making a difference. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it and I'm so glad that you are new to the show and already seeing an impact in your life and the way you're relating to yourself and others.

Stephanie Rigg [00:04:55]:

If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Masterclasses, which includes, if you would like, a free ticket to the Rebuilding Trust Live Masterclass so you can choose that one rather than one of my preexisting Masterclasses if you so desire.

Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around attachment and breakups. So I've spoken at length on the show and elsewhere around anxious attachment and breakups and I'll give a bit of a recap on that for anyone who needs a refresher. Or perhaps if you haven't listened to me speak about this before. For anxiously attached people, breakups tend to be very, very challenging. We know that for anxious folks, connection is a very, very high ranking need and the relationship tends to be our anchor and our source of safety. We really lean on the relationship as giving us identity, as giving us purpose. We tend to orbit around that and really prioritise the relationship above the other pillars of our life.

Stephanie Rigg [00:06:03]:

And while that's not, oh, you're so anxious and clingy and needy because of those traits or preferences, it's normal. I would say that folks with secure attachment patterns also find their relationship to be a source of security and comfort and stability and they prioritise it. And that's not an anxious trope. Anxious folks tend to over index on their relationship to the exclusion of other areas of their life or to the detriment of other areas of their life which can be neglected in favour of putting the relationship first. Above. All else, and particularly if a relationship is under stress or strain, the anxious person will up the ante on how much time and energy they are devoting to being around their partner, trying to fix the relationship, thinking about the relationship. All of your internal resources are going to be funnelled into like Operation Save This Sinking Ship, right? And so the irony there being that as you keep ramping up your efforts, as the relationship becomes more and more strained, if you do then find yourself in this situation of a breakup, the relationship has ended, you've expended all this energy trying to save it and you're left really empty handed. And it can be a double edged sword because you feel this sense of failure that you weren't able to salvage the relationship and at the same time you then turn around and look at the rest of your life and there's not much happening because you became so laser focused on the relationship.

Stephanie Rigg [00:07:47]:

And you might have neglected friendships. You might have isolated yourself. You might have stopped doing whatever else you usually do. You might have abandoned your regular routines or become disengaged from work or any number of other things because you were so focused on the relationship and trying to stop it from ending when it was feeling really dire. And so for the anxious person, there are so many different layers of struggle here. Not only have they lost this anchor and this safety blanket, but there's a sense of failure, there's the sense of the unknown, of uncertainty. All of these things are big triggers for people who struggle with anxiety and usually try and manage that anxiety through control and creating predictability, through focusing on another person and their needs. All of these patterns that are pretty common among most anxiously attached people.

Stephanie Rigg [00:08:47]:

You've got all of this kind of energy that you are used to heaping onto someone else and a relationship and all of a sudden you don't know what to do with yourself. And that can feel just incredibly uncomfortable and you can feel almost frantic and panicked and very, very overwhelmed by that experience. Being in the void of all of that is just deeply uncomfortable. And so many anxiously attached folks will just spin out after a breakup and feel this overwhelming urge to reconnect with their partner. Not knowing how your partner is thinking or feeling, if you're not in contact with them, that is also likely to be incredibly difficult. So all of a sudden, this person who you're used to having access to and you're accustomed to feeling entitled to speak to them and to know how they're feeling and to know what they're doing and who they're spending. Time with and all of those things, all of a sudden you kind of overnight you lose jurisdiction over that and that can feel again for someone whose tendencies to create safety via a level of control and oversight feeling. Like you've just lost power there and that you no longer have any right or entitlement to know what they're thinking, to know what they're feeling, to know what they're doing with their time, who they're seeing, all of those things that is likely to send you into spirals of stress and panic and anxiety and jealousy and all of those other things.

Stephanie Rigg [00:10:19]:

And I think that behaviours like stalking their social media and when have they been online and who have they been talking to? Oh, did they just start following this person? Is that some all of that stuff, which I'm sure you're listening and some of you will be sheepishly raising your hand and going, yep, that's me done that. I get it, you are not alone. A lot of people do. I've done that before. It's a really easy trap to fall into just feeling like we need to gather information to somehow arm ourselves because that's just what we know to do. But of course, none of that is really helping us. And as always, the healing and the growth and the thing we really need, the medicine that we need, even though it's not what we want, is to turn from our obsessive focus on the other back to ourselves. Go, okay, I am feeling all of these big feelings.

Stephanie Rigg [00:11:15]:

I'm feeling scared, I'm feeling lonely, I'm feeling rejected, I'm feeling a sense of failure and humiliation and shame and loss and grief. And instead of being with those feelings, I am trying to fix or distract or avoid or get away from the immense overwhelm that comes with all of that big emotion because we don't trust ourselves to be able to handle it right, because we are so accustomed to the other person providing the safety. So I think that the very best thing we can do, as much as it's the last thing that we would do by instinct or impulse is actually to just focus on ourselves and try and release the grip, to surrender to the fact that we are no longer in control of this person. Not that we ever were, but we really now, as I said, we don't have jurisdiction over that anymore and obsessing over them and what they're doing and what they're thinking and what they're feeling is very much our way of trying to create a sense of control when we're feeling out of control. And so I think the best thing we can do is offer ourselves a more adaptive strategy which is going to be focusing on us. That is really the task of people with anxious attachment patterns, whether you're in a relationship or not, if you want to really work on healing and growing and cultivating a greater sense of security. You need to rebuild the foundations within yourself because that's where you are perhaps underdeveloped because you've been so accustomed to focusing on the other person. You need to start laying those bricks of self worth and self respect and self trust and self compassion, self esteem.

Stephanie Rigg [00:12:58]:

Those are the things that allow you to stand on your own. 2ft. To go to relationship with a strong sense of self and really love with an open heart rather than love someone with a lot of fear behind it and a need to control and grip and cling and all of those things. So that is your work and I really think that a breakup is a beautiful opportunity to take stock and to really look at that and go, okay, what are the lessons learned and what is next? That turned into a little bit of a soapbox pep talk for my anxious attaches. That was meant to be a quick setting of the scene. But anyway, we're now going to talk about the avoidant experience, which spoiler alert, is not what I just described in 99% of cases. And of course I will give the caveat that I should have done this at the start that of course everyone's different, right? To say like anxious people do this and avoidant people do that, universally categorically, the end overly simplistic. So this is not gospel, this is not universal, but it is often true in a general sense.

Stephanie Rigg [00:14:05]:

And that is to say that for avoidant leaning folk you'll recall I was saying, as a relationship becomes more strained towards the end, anxious folks dial up the intensity and they ramp up their attempts at fixing, saving, controlling, getting closer, problem solving. One more chance they might engage in more conflict and more demands in this desperate effort to get engagement and to turn the ship around. Avoidant folks, as things get more strained, become more and more overwhelmed and it just SAPS them of energy. It's like it drains the battery so fast because avoidant folks really value relational harmony and for them to feel like a relationship is just constant work, that is a very exhausting experience. I think it's exhausting for anxious folks as well, but it's not exhausting in the sense of like I can't do this, I'm out. Anxious leaning people tend to roll up their sleeves and want to do that work kind of relentlessly rather than walking away and deciding it's too much. For avoidant folks, I think that that just becomes more trouble than it's worth. And reminding ourselves that there is a really different baseline in terms of need to be in a relationship and if aloneness is comfortable, that is the comfort zone.

Stephanie Rigg [00:15:37]:

For a lot of people with avoidant patterns, the being in a relationship is the thing that is challenging them. And so as soon as the relationship becomes consistently tense and strained and conflict ridden, and they're feeling like they're under attack the whole time or like they're constantly being dragged into a three hour long conversation every other day where someone is highly emotional and you're going around in circles. That is not what an avoidant person, they don't get a lot out of that and that can just very quickly tip the scales in favour of this isn't working, this is costing me more than it's giving to me, it's too much, it's too exhausting, it's not working. And so when the relationship has been like that in the lead up to a breakup, the first thing that most avoidant people are going to feel is a sense of relief. There will be this sense of like, okay, I was feeling all of that stress and now that stress is alleviated and I feel free again and I feel relief and it's not like free, woohoo, I'm going to go out and sleep with a bunch of people. I mean, some people might do that and whatever, but I think that to suggest that it's freedom in the sense of, oh, now I'm single, like it's party time. I don't think that that's true. I think it is just a lifting of a huge emotional burden that comes with relational tension over time.

Stephanie Rigg [00:17:06]:

And so for avoidant folks, there is this sense of probably peace and relief retreating to an environment of aloneness where they feel like they're back in control and they don't feel like a failure and a disappointment. Someone's always upset with them and wanting things from them that they can't give. And so you might see that an avoidant person after a breakup is likely to seem pretty fine, particularly at the start. So they might seem to be pretty okay. And you might see them socialising a lot, they might distract themselves because like you, they don't know how to be with those big emotions that might be underneath that relief, but their way of coping with that. Whereas the anxious person tries to get away from those emotions by obsessing over the intellectualization of them and trying to find information and focusing on the other person and trying to solve the problem. Avoidant person tends to avoid and distract and numb. So they might go out and socialise a lot, they might throw themselves into work, they might take up a new hobby or something.

Stephanie Rigg [00:18:17]:

They might just go all in on other areas of life in a way that from the outside, if you're looking at them and you're following them on social media or whatever, you might look and just see them seemingly being fine and looking even like they're thriving. And that's probably pretty excruciating for you if you are more anxious. Because again, as I said at the start, you are interpreting what you are seeing through the lens of what it would mean if you were doing that. So for you, if you a week after a breakup were out socialising heaps and maybe going on a trip or all of those things are unfathomable because you're in this really dark place, you're going, wow, for me to be in that place, I must not care at all. I would have to not care at all. I would have to not miss them at all. I would have to have not even really loved them. I didn't value the relationship.

Stephanie Rigg [00:19:09]:

That's the only way that I could be ready for all of that. But that is just such a projection coming from a very different starting point and a very different experience and emotional landscape and way of coping with things. So while that's likely to be the avoidant person's initial experience, what will often happen is that a few weeks might go by, a month might go by, and then they might start to kind of really come to terms with what's happened. And that initial experience of relief might become something a little bit more sad, or having that grief come up, probably not in the same intense, overwhelming or consuming way as anxious person would, but still like having the, oh, that's sad, I miss them. And this is where you'll see people reaching out or they might like your Instagram story or send a casual message saying, hey, how are you? And I always get anxious attaches going, why would they send me a message? Why would they do that? I haven't heard from them for three weeks and all of a sudden they get this random message. Often that is what's happening, that they've kind of come through the fog of that initial period and realised what's happened. And again, people go, oh, if they missed me, does that mean we should get back together? You know, a lot of you would know that my take on that is not that getting back together is a bad thing or that you should never do that. But I think it's got to be based on a whole lot more than missing each other.

Stephanie Rigg [00:20:44]:

Because that's just going to lead you right back to where you started and you'll be in the same patterns and the same dynamics. As soon as you have that temporary relief of getting back together, you haven't actually resolved anything substantively. There's a really good chance that you'll be right back where you started. But that is kind of the arc or the trajectory that you could expect from a lot of folks with avoidant patterns is that they will seem to be fine and then they might have a bit of a hangover. But it's kind of a delay because of that initial experience of relief and feeling like, oh, thank God I'm not in the midst of that really high conflict, intense, overwhelming dynamic, which is what the tone of a lot of these relationships are right before a breakup. So I hope that that's been helpful in giving you a bit of a sense of those contrasting experiences. Again, I offer that with a view to helping you depersonalise and maybe cheque yourself on those projections and those stories you're telling yourself about like, oh, that's what their behaviour means, they're fine. That means that I'm pathetic and I loved them more and they never cared about me again.

Stephanie Rigg [00:21:58]:

That just really adds to our suffering and is not helpful at all. If this episode is something that you are really needing right now and you're in the midst of a breakup, definitely cheque out my Higher Love course. It's a breakup course. It's very comprehensive and it also has a bonus masterclass called Attachment Styles and Breakups, which is about 45 minutes and is more of a deep dive on the conversation we've had here today. And you can use the code Phoenix to save $150 on Higher Love, so you can enter that code at the checkout and you will save $150. So sending so much love to anyone who is going through a breakup. I know that it's tough. In a couple of weeks time, maybe next week, I'm going to do a Q and A episode all on breakup.

Stephanie Rigg [00:22:44]:

So covering a few different topics because it is one of the areas that I get a lot of requests for support from, from people who listen to the show and who follow me on Instagram and all of those things. So keep an ear out for that if that is something you're going through at the moment. Otherwise, so grateful for you all being here and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.

Stephanie Rigg [00:23:26]:

Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.

#88 The Anxious Dater's Guide: How to Remain Grounded in the Early Dating Phase

LISTEN: APPLE | SPOTIFY

Is your anxiety getting the better of you in the early stages of dating? Well, take a deep breath and let's journey together through this episode where we unravel the common anxieties in early dating, particularly for those with an anxious attachment style. 

We'll delve into the raw aspects of why this period can trigger our deepest sensitivities and how we can make this an empowering voyage of self-discovery. From learning to stay grounded, boosting confidence, to finding joy in the dating process, this episode is a treasure trove of insights and advice.

This episode goes beyond mere dating advice. We'll explore:

WHAT WE’LL COVER:

• Why it's problematic to completely alter your life for someone you've just met, and how it impacts the budding relationship. 

• How to gain clarity about what you're looking for in a partner and a relationship, and how to articulate those needs effectively. 

• The importance of taking things slow.

• How to get comfortable with the uncertainty that is inherent in the early dating phase.

FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment

• Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind

• Download the free guide: Attachment 101

• Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment

• Visit my website

---

You might also like…

---

Episode Transcript

0:00:00.09 → 0:00:37.91

You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about how to manage anxiety in early dating.

0:00:38.03 → 0:01:41.06

So this is a topic that is requested all the time. I know that a lot of my content usually tends towards relational stuff meaning navigating dynamics while you're actually in a relationship, but I recognise that for a lot of people that might not be the situation that you're in. And you're actually in that casual dating world and experiencing the ups and downs of anxious attachment or whatever other relational challenges that you have in the context of early dating and really looking for support in how to navigate. That process with more confidence, with more groundedness in a way that actually allows you to enjoy the process rather than feeling like it's just a source of stress and overwhelm and anxiety. So I'm going to be contextualising why anxiety can find us in that early dating process, why it can feel really stressful and overwhelming.

0:01:41.12 → 0:02:26.31

Why it can trigger some of our most tender parts and then also giving you some. Really practical and concrete tips on how to keep yourself grounded and how to hopefully maintain or build a sense of confidence within yourself so that you can be in that dating process from a place of more ease and enjoyment and all of those things that actually allow you to the most of it. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that Homecoming, which is my small group six month mastermind programme, kicks off next week and I still have, I think, one, maybe two spots left in the group.

0:02:26.35 → 0:03:14.85

It's a really small group, only ten people, and this is a programme for people who are wanting in depth coaching directly with me over a longer period of time. So it's weekly small group calls and we really go deep. So if you're looking to invest in high level support and really benefit from the community component, that comes with a nice small group, which I know for a lot of people is kind of intimidating as an idea. It's certainly intimidating for me to do anything in a group setting. But the more I do it, both as a participant and as a facilitator, the more I sing the praises of group work, because I think it acts as a real multiplier on our growth.

0:03:14.90 → 0:03:52.39

Because it really forces us into a level of vulnerability that most of us shy away from most of the time. So if you are wanting to work with me directly and you're wanting to invest in that long term high level support. Homecoming is a really beautiful option. The link to apply is in the show notes and as I said, we kick off next week, so if you're interested in that, don't delay. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is as someone with anxious attachment style, I feel both validated and challenged by Stephanie's work and appreciate the constant reminders to look inwards instead of trying to control others.

0:03:52.46 → 0:04:09.32

I look forward to every episode. Thanks from Canada. Thank you so much for that review, Greg from Canada. I'm so pleased that you've had that experience and I think what you say around looking inwards instead of trying to control others is really a huge part of the work. So I'm glad that that's what you've taken from the show.

0:04:09.45 → 0:04:42.79

If that was your review, please send an email to my team at podcast@stephanierigg.com and we'll set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around managing anxiety in early dating. Now, I think it's really important to start by saying that anxiety in early dating is really common and normal and is not in and of itself a problem to be solved. It's not a red flag. We don't have to freak out, we don't have to pathologize it.

0:04:42.94 → 0:05:38.76

I think that it is really understandable that we would feel a level of nervousness, anxiety, sometimes excitement, all of these different emotions and feelings when we're in that early dating process. I think that's true for most people. And then I think if we overlay the attachment stuff, on top of that for anxiously attached people, it's going to be particularly stress inducing to be in that in between space of early dating because it challenges all of your edges, right? Things like uncertainty, things like really wanting to be close to someone but not having control over that, wanting to be in a relationship, feeling insecure about how someone might feel about you, wondering if they're interested or not. All of these things are very much alive and present in that early dating process.

0:05:38.89 → 0:06:12.51

So I think that recognising that is an important starting point. Right. Anxiety thrives in uncertainty. We know that in every setting, the more uncertainty unpredictability there is, the more our anxious parts seek to protect us by going into overdrive, by overthinking, by analysing, by scrutinising. These are mechanisms that we have developed to protect ourselves when whatever the situation we're in feels unpredictable and therefore unsafe for us.

0:06:12.55 → 0:07:02.19

And again, when we have this attachment overlay, it acts like a multiplier effect on all of those things that are already there as a baseline. For us as humans, early dating is a time when we are likely to have less clarity and certainty and routine. We don't have the right or entitlement to dictate what someone else is doing, not that we really do later in a relationship necessarily either. But certainly in that early stage there is this sense of not being able to have full transparency over someone, fully accessing them, their inner world, what they're doing, what they're thinking, what they're feeling. We haven't gotten to the stage where we're entitled to know those things and so there are going to be a lot of question marks, right?

0:07:02.39 → 0:07:23.98

Particularly so if it's very early and you've been on one date or you're messaging someone, you just have to be in this level of uncertainty and there's not a lot that you can do to bypass that or to fast track it or to get around it. Right? I think that the more excited we feel about someone, the more anxiety we have. Right? Again, this makes sense.

0:07:24.67 → 0:08:23.06

The stakes feel really high. I think that for those with an anxious attachment style the tendency to want to go from zero to 100 not only in actually attaching to someone very quickly and wanting to go very deep very quickly and build this very intense connection because, again, that feels safer than the in between space. But all of the fantasising of planning your future life together when you've just seen this person once or wanting to fill in all of the blanks with what could be and becoming very attached to the potential or the idea of someone all of those things can stimulate this. What almost feels like a roller coaster or an avalanche of excitement, anxiety. Again, recognising the fine line between those emotional experiences and the felt sense of those experiences.

0:08:23.17 → 0:09:15.15

Again, I think when we have more anxious attachment tendencies we tend to derive a lot of our self esteem and our self worth from whatever is happening outside of us and particularly in a relational sphere. So if I am going on a date with someone and I can get them to be really excited about me or get them to pursue me very actively, then that's going to feel not only exciting in the sense that it would for anyone. Because, again, I don't want to make this out to be some sort of anxious, attachment specific trope to feel good when someone's pursuing you. But when all of our self worth is existing outside of us, and we don't have much of an inner anchor on that, then we're putting all of our eggs in the basket of someone else and letting them determine whether or not we are worth anything. Right?

0:09:15.22 → 0:10:11.40

Whether or not we are attractive enough or smart enough or compelling enough or funny enough or whatever it might be, we are letting them be the sole arbiter of those things. And that is a pretty risky space to dwell in and to live in in this early dating process when realistically you don't know this person, they are a stranger to you. And we're giving this person, who we don't really know a lot of power over how we're feeling about ourselves at a pretty fundamental level. Okay, I think that all of that is compounded by the fact that anxiously attached people also tend to go all in very quickly. So even if on the surface the relationship is very much casual and isn't committed and maybe the other person still kind of taking it slow, you might be on the inside completely consumed by thinking about this person.

0:10:11.58 → 0:11:11.26

All you can do is cheque if they've messaged you a million times a day, cheque their social media, cheque this, cheque that. They're occupying so much real estate in your being that you are all of a sudden orbiting around them, your life has become about this person that you don't even know within a matter of days of first connecting with them. And I think that when we do that, we become very tunnel visioned and again, that can make us much more prone and susceptible to disappointment and hurt and pain if the relationship doesn't work right. We can really get very wobbly when we've only got one leg holding up the table. So recognising all of that and noticing those tendencies within yourself, I think that we can see, looking at that backdrop, why early dating can be such an anxiety inducing process for us.

0:11:11.36 → 0:12:00.54

So part of that is natural and part of that is exacerbated by our tendencies, particularly if you are someone who leans more towards anxious attachment and you do tend to go a million miles an hour and go all in very quickly and want to fast track that whole process. Now I want to offer you some tips on that. Recognising that that experience can be very destabilising and it makes sense why it would be. So I want to offer you some tips, things that you can do to create a little bit more balance to remain grounded or at least more grounded than you otherwise might be in that process. So the first tip I want to offer you is to get familiar with your personal warning signs.

0:12:00.60 → 0:12:45.68

Now, I don't want to be alarmist because I think that whenever we use language like warning signs or red flags and people can be very almost hyper vigilant about themselves, I always get people asking me like, oh no, is it a red flag if I feel excited about someone? I don't think we want to swing too far to the other extreme of being really militant about policing our own behaviour. But that being said, know yourself, right? And if you know that you're checking your phone 5 million times a day or you know that you're not wanting to make plans with friends because you want to be completely available in case this person reaches out to you or calls you or whatever, right, recognise those things and cheque in with yourself and go, okay, what's it costing me? Right?

0:12:45.73 → 0:13:14.90

What is it costing me to do this? Is that a road I want to go down and be more self responsible, right. We can observe ourselves and with that distance and perspective, we can hopefully create space for choice and go, okay, here's the thing I've always done, and I seem to be going down that road by default, which makes sense. We all do that unless we have conscious awareness and deliberate choice where we're going to do the thing we've always done. So recognise it.

0:13:14.92 → 0:13:46.10

What are my warning signs and what is the thing I'm going to do differently this time? What would it be like if I put my phone on aeroplane mode during the day when I'm at work and didn't cheque it a million times and just see? Right. Cultivating that relationship of self trust requires that you act in a self responsible way, rather than just playing out the same loops over and over again with the same painful or stress inducing or anxiety inducing consequences, right? That's not a very good way to build self trust.

0:13:46.79 → 0:14:13.23

The next tip that I want to offer you, which is sort of in the same vein, is set boundaries with yourself to support your well being. So if you know that your anxiety gets really bad around texting and being in this constant state of anticipation on, when am I next going to hear from them? Set boundaries for yourself, say, to someone in the morning. Like, if you exchange texts first thing in the morning, say, I've got a busy day at work today, let's talk tonight. Right?

0:14:13.30 → 0:14:57.87

So you have the bookend that will give you a level of comfort that you're going to have more contact with them later. But you're not in this constant state of being in a holding pattern, waiting all day, anticipating, because, again, that takes up a lot of energy and occupies way too much emotional real estate within you in a way that is not going to be healthy or conducive. So set boundaries with yourself to support your well being. Related to that is, keep up your routines and continue to have a life outside of this person. Again, particularly if this is very, very early dating, I think we need to zoom out a lot of the time and go, wow, look at me, dropping everything to make my life about this person and this connection.

0:14:57.97 → 0:15:13.93

That is not healthy, okay? It's really not healthy. It's not going to get you what you want. And if anything, to be very frank, it's not attractive to just drop everything and be completely available to someone that you've just met. Right.

0:15:14.05 → 0:16:10.88

I think that if you think about it, most people are attracted to the person who has stuff going on in their life, who's got friends, who's got work, who's got hobbies, who's got all of these other things, rather than the person who is kind of like a puppy dog panting at you, tugging at your sleeve or something, right? It's not actually energy that is supportive of a really thriving relationship dynamic, one that is based on desire and anticipation and longing. If you're just permanently available and deferring to whatever they want to do all the time, and don't worry about me. I'll do what you want to do, that kind of energy is not really attractive and I think actually robs you of the excitement of that early period where there is this level of mystery and longing and missing one another. So enjoy that.

0:16:10.93 → 0:16:35.66

And part of enjoying that is continue with all of your stuff, right? Don't drop everything to be available to this person all the time. If they want to see you, you will see each other. You don't have to be permanently available in order for that to happen. So keep going to the gym or keep going to social events that don't include this person.

0:16:36.03 → 0:17:02.86

Keep up with your life and allow them to fit into it and vice versa, rather than completely rearranging your life to accommodate someone that you've just met. Okay, the next tip is be clear in what you're looking for both within yourself. So be really honest with yourself. What am I looking for? It always amazes me how few people actually have clarity around what they're looking for in a relationship and in a partner.

0:17:03.00 → 0:17:33.40

I think particularly, again, if you tend towards anxious attachment, the sole criterion tends to be that someone is pursuing me and wants me because that feels so good to us. So I think that having a level of discernment that goes beyond that as the sole criterion is going to work in your favour, for obvious reasons. So get really clear what am I looking for in a bigger sense structurally in my life? Am I looking for a long term partner? Am I looking for someone to have a family with?

0:17:33.50 → 0:18:02.99

Am I looking for something casual? Know that for yourself and be really clear on it. Know what your deal breakers are, know what your non negotiables are, know what your values are, what are the things that are really important to you and a partner. Have clarity around that for yourself because otherwise you're just kind of treading water in high seas and grabbing onto anything that you might float past you along the way and say they'll do, right? So be discerning.

0:18:03.12 → 0:18:43.02

You're much more likely to have not only success in finding a partner who's a good fit for you, obviously, but you have a lot more self confidence when you actually know what you're looking for and you can comfortably say no to the things that aren't a fit. The corollary of that is be clear in what you're looking for as between you and whoever you are exploring a connection with. Now, this doesn't mean that you have to lay down the law on the first date and tell them, here's my five year plan. Do you fit into this? But equally, I don't think that you need to be cagey or dishonest around what you're looking for.

0:18:43.20 → 0:19:32.99

And I think the sooner that you can reveal any structural incompatibilities between you to the extent that those exist, the better off you are, right? Because it's just a waste of time. So be very direct around what you're looking for and trust that the people who are looking for the same thing are going to receive that positively rather than being freaked out by it or turned off by it. The next piece of advice that I want to give you is go slower than feels natural. So again, if you turn more towards anxious attachment, your impulse is going to be how quickly can I forge a really intense connection with this person that allows me to kind of sink my teeth in and establish a level of safety via proximity and control, right?

0:19:33.19 → 0:20:09.93

Being in that in between space where we don't really know what the relationship is yet feels very, very out of control for most people. And so all of your protective parts are going to be urging you to find a way to fast track whether that's by having very intense conversations or disclosures or expressing emotions or whatever other things might feel like a way to almost leapfrog over that in between stage of early dating. Your body and your being is going to be telling you to do that. And I get it. I have been historically terrible at taking this advice that I'm giving you now.

0:20:10.05 → 0:20:58.57

But nevertheless, I think it's really important and it's a massive growth edge for us as anxiously attached people. There's a lot of really fruitful personal work in this particular tip. So go slower than feels natural. Dwell in that space of the unknown and uncertainty, feel the discomfort of that and choose to build up your resilience and your capacity to be in that rather than to frantically try and find ways to opt out of that discomfort or to bypass it or to, as I said, to kind of leapfrog over it. So learn how to be in that in between space, go slower than feels natural and build up your tolerance level for discomfort in the process.

0:20:58.77 → 0:21:40.53

And last but not least, try and really soak up the excitement of this period without feeding the anxiety. Right? For a lot of us when we have excitement, it comes with a side of anxiety or stress because we don't trust that something good won't become something bad. We might have had experiences where we got excited about someone and then we got disappointed and that makes us very on guard or on alert for the fact that as soon as there's something good, something bad is going to follow. Soon thereafter we're going to get rejected by this person who is currently showing interest in us.

0:21:40.62 → 0:22:53.02

And as soon as we've got that other voice that's saying it isn't safe to just be excited, then anxiety takes over, right? That protective part is going to be stronger and louder than the part that feels optimistic and excited and that really robs us of the beauty of this experience, of getting to know someone or multiple people and being curious and being open and being playful and being flirtatious and all of those things that are a really beautiful part of that experience. We are denying ourselves of that opportunity when we go straight into anxiety and control and manipulation and how do I get myself a sense of safety here in a way that allows me to opt out of this discomfort? So try to play with can I just feel and enjoy the excitement of this experience without trying to grip it or hold on to it or ensure that I don't lose it? Can I actually just be present with the good stuff while it's here, rather than finding ways to let my fear tell me that it's not safe to just feel that positive stuff, to feel all the yummy good stuff in the dating process.

0:22:53.12 → 0:23:33.33

So try to experience that excitement without letting the anxiety cloud your vision and tell you that it's not safe to do so. Okay, so that was how to manage anxiety in early dating. I hope that that's been helpful in contextualising. Not only why it's totally understandable and normal, particularly if you tend more towards anxious attachment, that you would feel a lot of anxiety in early dating because it really is pushing a lot of those buttons around. Uncertainty, lack of control, validation, seeking people, pleasing unworthiness all of that stuff is really front and centre when we're in that early dating period.

0:23:33.43 → 0:24:27.23

So it's totally understandable that you'd be feeling anxiety and that all of your anxious parts would be on high alert and front and centre. But I'm hoping that with those tips, that gives you a bit more of an action plan on how to manage that for yourself, so that you can not only try and soothe the anxiety, but you can actually really stay connected to a sense of self and build that self trust and self worth in the process so that you can actually enjoy being in that dating process rather than feeling like it's just stressful all the time. Because for obvious reasons, that is going to rob you of all of the positives of dating and getting to know people and building connection. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, I'm super grateful. For those of you who leave reviews and ratings, it really is the most helpful way to get the word out about the podcast.

0:24:27.65 → 0:24:44.44

Share it with the people in your life, share it on social media, all of those things are a huge help to me and I am so appreciative for all of you who tune in and who do share and review the podcast. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you later in the week. Thanks guys.

0:24:47.05 → 0:25:09.10

Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.