Stephanie Rigg 28/6/24 Stephanie Rigg 28/6/24

#145 3 Fights Every Anxious-Avoidant Couple Has Had

In today's episode, I'm unpacking three common pain points that virtually all anxious-avoidant couples will encounter at some point in their relationship. We'll talk about why these particular fights are so common, and what they're really about - so you can approach them next time with more empathy and understanding, and avoid the disconnection and hurt that comes with the typical anxious-avoidant trap.

LISTEN: APPLE| SPOTIFY

In today's episode, I'm unpacking three common pain points that virtually all anxious-avoidant couples will encounter at some point in their relationship. We'll talk about why these particular fights are so common, and what they're really about - so you can approach them next time with more empathy and understanding, and avoid the disconnection and hurt that comes with the typical anxious-avoidant trap.

💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:

The Dynamics of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships: Common Conflicts and How to Navigate Them

Anxious-avoidant relationships are particularly common and notoriously challenging. The attraction between someone with an anxious attachment style and another with an avoidant attachment style often results in a dynamic where each partner’s needs and fears can exacerbate the other’s insecurities.

The Conflict Over Details

One prevalent source of friction revolves around the need for details. The anxious partner typically craves information and clarity – where their partner is going, who they are spending time with, and what their plans entail. This desire for details stems from a need for assurance and a sense of control, helping mitigate anxiety about the unknown.

In contrast, the avoidant partner may find these questions intrusive and feel their privacy and autonomy are being infringed upon. They often prefer to keep certain parts of their lives separate, which can lead them to be vague or non-communicative. This behaviour is not necessarily about hiding something but rather about maintaining a sense of independence.

Navigating the Conflict: Begin by recognising and empathising with where each person is coming from. For the anxious partner, it's understanding that vagueness isn't inherently suspicious. For the avoidant partner, offering a bit more detail can quell anxiety without impinging on their independence. A balanced approach, where both parties communicate their needs and agree on what level of detail is comfortable to share, can ease this tension.

The Abrupt Exit During Conflict

Another common fight occurs when the avoidant partner exits a serious conversation or conflict. They might abruptly stop the discussion, citing work or another distraction, which leaves the anxious partner feeling dismissed and undervalued. The more the avoidant disengages, the more the anxious partner might react with heightened emotions, perpetuating a cycle of conflict.

For the avoidant partner, leaving the conversation can be a coping mechanism to avoid escalating emotions and preserve tranquility. They might genuinely need to attend to other commitments or simply feel the conversation is going around in circles without resolution.

Navigating the Conflict: The key here is mutual respect for time and space. Agreeing on a suitable time for serious discussions ensures that both partners are fully present and can engage constructively. If a conversation becomes too heated, agreeing to pause and reschedule it for a calmer time can prevent hurt feelings and further escalation. It’s crucial for each partner to express their needs calmly and assure the other that the conversation is important and will be revisited.

The Clash of Love Languages

Love languages – the myriad ways people express and receive love – often become a battleground in anxious-avoidant relationships. Anxious partners might crave words of affirmation and physical affection, feeling loved through constant verbal and tactile reassurance. Avoidant partners, however, might demonstrate love through acts of service, quality time, or even gift-giving, which can seem less direct and tangible to their anxious counterparts.

This divergence can lead to misunderstandings where the anxious partner feels neglected or unloved because the avoidant partner doesn’t frequently express love in the expected ways. The avoidant partner might feel unappreciated, believing their efforts are unnoticed or undervalued.

Navigating the Conflict: Understanding each other’s love languages is a powerful step toward reconciliation. Open conversations about what makes each partner feel loved and appreciated can reveal underlying needs and foster empathy. Encouraging both partners to occasionally step out of their comfort zones to meet each other’s needs can build a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.

Building a Compassionate and Secure Connection

The essence of navigating these conflicts lies in fostering mutual understanding and empathy. Recognising that each partner’s behaviours are rooted in their attachment styles can shift the perspective from blame to understanding. Engaging in dialogues with a compassionate mindset and striving for a balance between personal needs and the relationship’s wellbeing creates a foundation where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued.

Creating a positive relational environment encourages vulnerability and helps each partner feel safer to express themselves. In a space devoid of constant blame and defensiveness, it becomes easier to appreciate each other’s efforts and intentions, paving the way for deeper connection and secure attachment.

By approaching each conflict with empathy and a willingness to understand, anxious-avoidant couples can transform their relationship dynamics, moving toward a healthier and more resilient bond.

Questions for Discussion & Reflection

Do you recognise any patterns in your past or current relationships that reflect the anxious-avoidant dynamic? How have these patterns impacted your relationships?
When you’re feeling anxious in a relationship, do you often seek detailed information and reassurance from your partner? How do you think this affects your partner and your relationship?
If your partner appears avoidant and values their privacy, how do you generally react? Can you identify times when this reaction has led to conflict?
Reflect on a time when you or your partner ended a serious conversation abruptly. How did that make you feel? What steps could both of you take to navigate these situations more peacefully in the future?
How do you and your partner generally deal with arguments about spending quality time together? What love languages do you feel most connected to, and how do you express them?
Think about a recent conflict in your relationship. Was it about an underlying issue rather than the immediate problem? How can you address the root cause rather than the symptom next time?
Consider the concept of "creating a culture of appreciation" in your relationship. How often do you acknowledge your partner’s efforts to show love, even if it’s not in your preferred love language?
Do you find it challenging to understand or appreciate your partner’s need for autonomy and space? How might you work on developing more empathy and flexibility in this area?
Reflect on how you feel when asking your partner for emotional reassurance. Are there ways you can communicate your needs without making your partner feel overwhelmed or interrogated?
How do you typically balance your needs for security and certainty against your partner’s needs for space and independence? Can you identify any strategies to maintain this balance more effectively?
Feel free to reflect on these questions in your journal or discuss them with your partner to gain deeper insights into your relationship dynamics and the ways you can grow together.

FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

Explore my library of free guides, classes & meditations
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
Visit my website

You might also like…

Featured

Anxious Attachment

Jul 3, 2025

#195: Two Simple Principles for a Healthy Nervous System

Anxious Attachment

Jul 3, 2025

A healthy nervous system isn’t built through constant calm — it’s built through balance. In this episode, I share two simple yet powerful principles for nervous system wellbeing: learning to stretch your capacity through gentle challenge, and then restoring it through nourishment, pleasure, and rest.

Anxious Attachment

Jul 3, 2025

Anxious Attachment

Jun 30, 2025

#194: When You Don’t Feel Like a Priority in Your Relationship

Anxious Attachment

Jun 30, 2025

Feeling like an afterthought in your relationship can be incredibly painful. In this episode, we unpack why this dynamic is so triggering — especially for those with anxious attachment — and how to advocate for your needs without shame, panic, or self-abandonment.

Anxious Attachment

Jun 30, 2025

Anxious Attachment

Jun 18, 2025

#193: The Gifts of Anxious Attachment

Anxious Attachment

Jun 18, 2025

We often focus on the challenges of anxious attachment — the overthinking, the fear, the insecurity. But what if some of your most “anxious” traits are actually your greatest strengths? In this episode, I explore the hidden gifts of anxious attachment and how, with the right support, your sensitivity can become your superpower.

Anxious Attachment

Jun 18, 2025

Episode Transcript

[00:00:29]:

In today's episode, we're talking about 3 fights that you've probably had if you're in an anxious, avoidant relationship. If you've been in an anxious, avoidant relationship in the past, or indeed if you embark upon a relationship in the future with an anxious, avoidant dynamic, you're likely to have some version of these conflicts. So for anyone who is new here, who's uninitiated in this language, when I say an anxious, avoidant relationship, I'm referring to a relationship between someone who leans more anxious in their attachment style and someone who leans more avoidant in their attachment style. This is a very, very common pairing. It's very common for people with these attachment styles to be drawn to each other. And yet there can be a lot of challenges in that dynamic because, you know, on the surface, at least your attachment needs and wounds tend to sit at opposite ends of the spectrum.

[00:01:22]:

And it's really easy if you're not conscious and not aware to just trigger the hell out of each other. And, you know, for each of your habitual responses to reinforce the other person's fears and insecurities and thereby really embolden them and their protective mechanisms, their protective you've likely had if you're in your relationship and thinking, why does this feel so you've likely had if you're in your relationship and thinking, why does this feel so hard and why do we keep fighting about these things? I'm hoping that you'll feel very seen by today's episode, particularly by the specificity of some of the examples that I'm going to give. But also, I suppose, to peel back the layers in some of these conflicts, because the fight is never really about the thing that you're fighting about. It's almost always about something deeper, symptomatic of some unmet need or some fear or insecurity that you're being brought into contact with. And our romantic relationships have a real knack for bringing us into contact with those things. And we tend to be most sensitive in that arena to anything that feels threatening to our sense of safety, our sense of self, which we derive from our relationship, at least in part. So that's what I'm gonna be talking about today, giving free examples. It's a little bit lighthearted.

[00:02:34]:

It's not intended to be a really serious conversation today. So hopefully you'll have a little chuckle and I feel not only validated and seen, but maybe take it in good humor as well. That's my hope anyway. Okay. So before I dive into that, a quick reminder, this is the last week that you can take advantage of the 50% off sale that I've been running since being on maternity leave. I'm gonna wrap that up on the 30th June. So if you are interested in saving 50% on any of my courses or masters, head to my website and you can take advantage of that with the code, hey, baby, all 1 word. And particularly in keeping with today's theme around anxious avoidant dynamics and navigating those and trying to build a more secure foundation within an anxious, avoidant relationship, which I'm a big advocate for my course Secure Together, which I recorded with my partner, Joel.

[00:03:25]:

It's a really comprehensive course that will help you and your partner if you decide to do it together and to understand each other better and ultimately to love each other better, which is what we're all trying to do here. So, if today's episode resonates with you, definitely check out Secure Together and say 50% with that discount code, hey, baby. Alright. So the first of these common arguments or pain points that you're likely to have encountered if you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic is an argument about details. And in particular, an avoidant partner not giving details about where they're going, what they're doing, being sort of vague or cagey. At least that's how it's likely to appear to the anxious person about it might be where they're going. It might be who they're talking to. It might be who's going to be somewhere.

[00:04:13]:

So, you know, to paint the picture a little, your partner might be, you know, catching up with friends on the weekend and, you know, you, the anxious partner, might ask them, oh, where are you gonna go? And your avoidant partner might say, oh, I'm not sure yet. Full stop. And you might then say, what do you mean you're not sure yet? Oh, I just don't know. We haven't made a plan. Or I don't know. I'm not the 1 organizing it. And you might then say, as the anxious partner, well, haven't you asked them, how do you know where you're gonna meet them? And you might sense your avoidant partner becoming increasingly agitated with the line of questioning. You might then pivot to, well, who's going to be there? They might say, I don't know.

[00:04:49]:

And similarly, you might say, well, what do you mean you don't know? That kind of level of back and forth around giving details or not giving details. So why might this be triggering for someone with more anxious attachment patterns certainty and information and details allow you to feel some level of control, right? Vagaries and uncertainty and blank space is a total breeding ground for your anxiety. And particularly in circumstances like the 1 that I've just walked through, you're likely to go to a worst case scenario of they're hiding something from me. They're, you know, cheating on me. There's gonna be someone there that they shouldn't be seeing all of these things. And now I want to be really clear, because I know I'll get people saying, but what if that's true? And what if I've had that experience? And I'm not at all meaning to invalidate those fears to the extent that they are grounded in reality? I'm really talking here just about that dynamic of anxious partner really wanting a lot of information, needing that information to feel safe. And so grilling their partner or kind of interrogating a partner, continuing to like, pick and go back in for more and push and press and then finding resistance in their partner and using the fact of that resistance as evidence that there's something being hidden or concealed. And so escalating that attempt to, you know, draw blood from a stone to pull out information from them.

[00:06:17]:

And, you know, again, on and on that spirals because you're convinced that they're deliberately concealing or hiding something from you. Now, why would that be an issue for the avoidant partner? Why would they avoid a partner not just give you all of the details that you want? So let's kind of walk around to the other side and look at things from their perspective. We know that avoidant partners really value their privacy, their independence, their sense of autonomy. They will often, particularly earlier in a relationship, be quite protective of different parts of their life and keep them quite siloed. So say they were going to a work function. They might not want to give you all of the details about that. And they might deliberately keep that kind of vague because they don't think that it's relevant for you to know. They don't understand why you would need to know all of that because that's a different part of their life.

[00:07:07]:

Now I understand that if you're more anxious, that just doesn't make sense to you. It doesn't really make sense to me either as someone who does tend more in that direction and would freely give that information. But I suppose the point is that it's not always sinister, right? It's not always concealing something because there's something to hide that is dishonesty or keeping that kind of buffer can be a way of, keeping that kind of buffer can be a way of protecting their energetic space, and kind of keeping a level of autonomy rather than feeling intruded upon and feeling like you are seeking to insert yourself into every aspect of their life. So there can be this sense of, you know, a safe distance that they maintain by keeping details vague, by not being really over sharing about every little aspect of other parts of their life that they don't necessarily see as being relevant to you. Now that's not to say that you have to be okay with that. So on both sides, anxious partner doesn't have to just be okay with vague detail, with not being included in other aspects of their partner's life or being kept at arm's length. I think particularly as a relationship goes on, it's totally understandable that you would want to be included in different aspects of each other's lives and feel like you have at least some level of insight into that rather than feeling like you're being kept away. But equally, I think that having the understanding around where that might be coming from can allow you to approach the conversation to the extent that you feel you need to have a conversation from a more compassionate place rather than an accusatory 1.

[00:08:56]:

Because I can assure you that if you go in with an accusation, essentially, you know, what are you hiding from me? Why won't you tell me? Then your partner's only going to retreat further, feel even more intruded upon, and that's gonna exacerbate the dynamic. Now from the avoidant partner's perspective, I think, you know, your work here in this kind of argument is to understand that the more you give, the less your partner's going to go into that mode of intruding upon you or, you know, interrogating you, which is probably how you feel. I use that word kind of loosely or in inverted commas, because I know that that's how you're likely to feel as the more avoidant partner. Like, why are you harassing me? Why do you need to know this doesn't concern you? That protective stance that you're kind of adopting there is actually making it worse. So if you can see things from your partner's perspective and understand that that little bit of extra detail or informational context provides a lot of safety to relax into giving you your space without needing to feel like they have to investigate, you know, pry you open for information. That's, you know, a really nice and I would say relatively easy give, that will actually, you know, your fear story probably tells you that that's gonna be some slippery slope and then you're never gonna have any privacy or time or space yourself again. It's usually the opposite outcome. You'll actually have more freedom, more time and space yourself because your partner is not gonna be so paranoid.

[00:10:24]:

Okay. The next fight that you've probably had some variation of is if you're already having a fight or a serious conversation about something, and the avoidant partner starting to get restless as will often happen. And then they say something along the lines of it's not a good time or I have to get back to work or I have to go and do something. And so they essentially, like, abruptly leave the serious conversation because they've got some other thing to do. Now if you're the anxious partner and you were already upset or worked up, and then your partner says, I've got to go and do this work thing and it goes and gets their laptop out and starts doing something else. That's gonna feel incredibly rejecting and dismissive. Right? It's gonna feel like, how could you possibly be thinking about something else? How can you just switch gears like that? You must not care about this thing that we're talking about at all. You know, you're just trying to come up with some excuse to get out of this conversation.

[00:11:25]:

And so for the anxious partner, that's probably gonna fire you up and you're probably gonna follow them or just be really, really upset and hurt and possibly angry at your partner for just disengaging like that. And you're going to feel really deep prioritized. Like, if you cared about me, you wouldn't be going to do that thing, you'd be staying and having this conversation with me, right? For the avoidant partner, there can be this sense of, like, this conversation is gonna go on for 3 hours. I don't have time or capacity for it. It's not productive. We're not getting anywhere. We're just talking around in circles. And so I'm gonna go and do the thing that I was meant to be doing at this point in time.

[00:12:04]:

And that for them is a perfectly logical, kind of rational response to allocating their time and energy. They're not doing that to deliberately reject or hurt their partner. If anything, they're extracting themselves with a view to keeping the conflict at bay a lot of the time or not letting things escalate to the point of full blown conflict, big emotions, things that they don't really feel comfortable with. And so in nipping something in the bud or kind of shifting gears, extracting themselves, taking themselves out of the insensitive or inopportune moment. Oftentimes it's just their effort at either self regulating, whether they realize it or not, at preserving some semblance of peace and connection or really just doing the things that they were meant to do. You know, if they are genuinely working to a deadline, that might be as important, if not more important to them, than having some big, drawn out relationship conversation. Again, if you're more anxious, that's kind of unfathomable because being drawn out relationship conversations will always come first. Right? You would happily, cancel your plans and push back a deadline or be late for something.

[00:13:14]:

If something big was happening in your relationship and that needed to be discussed. That's always going to take precedence for you. And, you know, you would happily kinda drop everything else to stay in that until you find the resolution that you're looking for. That's just not true for your avoidant partner. A lot of the time, they don't have that same hierarchy where the relationship just sits like so far above everything else that nothing else matters. And so recognizing that that divergence in approach and how you view a conversation like that and the boundaries and time parameters and kind of staying in it, the presence, again, is not coming from a place of, like, a lack of caring or a deliberate attempt at hurting 1 another. But there are some little tweaks that you can do there to try and prevent that from escalating. Because as I said, there's a good chance if the avoidant partner does extract themselves that the anxious partner is going to fire up and really amplify their attempts at being heard, whether that's by getting nasty or getting really emotional, you know, saying you don't even care about me.

[00:14:17]:

What's wrong with you? I can't do this anymore. All of those sorts of things, which again tend not to help really. They're, you know, really understandable and oftentimes coming from a place of desperation at being seen and heard. Like, if I can just get you to understand how much I'm hurting, then you'll come to me, then you'll change, then you'll behave differently. And it can be so upsetting when that doesn't work because obviously we then tell ourselves, well, you don't care. So what can we do about this kind of fight? I think a really good starting point is not having those conversations unless you've got the time and space for them. So really getting an opt in from your partner. Do you have time to talk about X thing? So you're not kind of ambushing them when they are in the middle of something or when it's not a good time, when they're then likely to get kind of uncomfortable and restless and impatient with the conversation because they weren't in the headspace to have it in the 1st place.

[00:15:07]:

And so I think being respectful of their time and energy when you're having these conversations rather than just launching into something when your partner feels kind of backed against a wall, because that's going to naturally lead them to want to find the exit and then that's going to trigger you. So being respectful at the outset and finding a mutually workable time to have conversations, I think is really a good rule of thumb in any relationship. I would also say, hey, you know, if your partner does start to get restless, agitated, start to kind of pull away or withdraw or start to come up with these reasons why they can't continue the conversation rather than jumping to accusation or blame, maybe say, okay, I understand that when would be a good time for us to finish this conversation off? Because it's really important to me. I know that you've got to do x y zed thing. Maybe you just need to cool off and that's actually really valid and sensible. I would say remembering that there is no point in pushing through a conversation when 1 or both of you are really dysregulated. And that's really hard for the anxious partner who just wants to, like, pull those through at all costs until you find your way to that resolution. But when you're both kind of worked up in your own way, you're very rarely going to find yourself to a genuine kind of resolution to that conflict.

[00:16:23]:

You're not able to hear or see each other. So, respecting that if your partner is needing to pull away from the conversation, that that's actually probably sensible and wise and giving them the space to go and regulate with the caveat of, okay, what do I need out of that? What do I need in order to feel comfortable with you taking that space? Well, I need some assurance that we're gonna revisit this. Tomorrow, whatever. But it's gonna be much easier for you to let them go if you know that they're gonna tomorrow, whatever. But it's gonna be much easier for you to let them go if you know that they're gonna come back at some point and you're going to get what you need. And as a little footnote to that, very sensible for you in that time apart, if you do take that space to go and regulate yourself as well, rather than just, you know, sitting on your bed crying and rehearsing what you're going to say to them, because that's only going to get you more and more worked up. Okay. The 3rd and final fight that you've probably had, I'm sure I could have done an episode without 50 of these, but I'm going to leave it at 3 for today is around love languages.

[00:17:18]:

So I've done an episode of on the love languages before and I've mentioned it here and there. If you're not familiar with the term, I'm sure most of you are. But basically that we each have our own ways of giving and receiving love that are most natural to us, that we give love, show love in those ways, and that we perceive others actions as loving. We feel really love when people demonstrate their love in particular ways. And so for anxiously attached people, I mean, I always kind of joke that I think like anxious people can identify with all of the love languages almost because they tend to really want to express love and to have love expressed towards them. It's almost like this bottomless pit of expressiveness around love and affection and care and desire in both directions, but particularly words of affirmation being like given a verbal reassurance that you are loved and cared for and, you know, getting compliments, those sorts of things are likely to really feel very nourishing and reassuring to the anxious partner. Physical affection is another big 1. And so what we often see in anxious avoiding couples is once again, we tend to have quite different love languages.

[00:18:29]:

So for more avoidant folks, you'll tend to see less of those direct shows of affection, like words of affirmation, their physical affection, physical touch and more kind of action based things. More, we might say indirect acts of service, quality time, gift giving as well can be 1 for for avoidant folks. So what you might see and, you know, a common fight that you might have had is around these differences in love languages. So for anxious folks, you probably want your partner to be more expressive to say, I love you more to say, like, you know, you mean so much to me or you look beautiful or, you know, I don't know what I'd do without you or these sorts of things. Right? Just like getting that verbal reassurance. And you probably don't get heaps of that. From most avoidant partners, that's probably not gonna come naturally to them, being so openly expressive about their feelings towards you. And so they might not be very heavy handed on giving out compliments or or, you know, giving out those words of affirmation in terms of endearment, probably not their thing.

[00:19:31]:

And so you might have had some sort of conflict around that. Likewise, you know, around affection, you might reach out and, like, hold their hand and they might pull their hand back. You might give them a hug, and they might kind of stiffen in your arms. They stand there and then pull away, and that might feel very rejecting for you, understandably. On the flip side of that, you might find that more avoidant partners really wanna spend, like, quality time together. And for them, you know, quality time is likely doing activities together, doing new things together, like being out in the world together. And they might get quite restless, The idea of just hanging out at home together, for example, you know, not doing anything novel or exciting, kind of being in a bubble together is probably not gonna meet that need. And so you've probably had some variation of conflict around these different ways of showing love.

[00:20:21]:

And oftentimes, it will be the anxious partner. You can see a theme here. Often the anxious partner is the 1 I don't wanna say initiating the conflict, but I suppose expressing the the need or the sense of lack or the sense that there's an issue that needs addressing. And that might be around, like, you never tell me you love me or you don't even find me attractive or those sorts of things. And when an avoided partner hears that, particularly if they've been making an effort to show love in their own way, so via acts of service, via, you know, spending time together, they're likely to hear that as just like, oh, nothing I do is enough. Right? I try and do all of these things, and you're just over here telling me that I haven't done that thing or haven't done enough of it. And you're asking me to do something that doesn't come naturally to me. And for avoidant people, there's this real sensitive point around, I don't wanna have to do something where I feel forced.

[00:21:19]:

So I don't wanna have to pretend to feel something that I don't feel. I don't wanna say something that doesn't feel sincere or authentic. That feels kind of scripted and awkward to me, they're likely to have a bigger version to things like that. I don't want, you know, engage in physical affection that feels unnatural and and uncomfortable. So, recognizing that there is this aversion to doing that which doesn't come naturally for their point of partner. It's very much out of their comfort zone, and they're likely to be very resistant to it, which is why they're, you know, more inclined to stick to their more comfortable ways of showing love. But you may well have had some conflict around expressions of love and love languages. Now what to do with that, I really recommend if if that is you, then going to listen to the episode around love languages.

[00:22:07]:

From memory, we also cover love languages specifically in the secure together course that I mentioned earlier. I mean, you know, how to navigate those. But I think once again, we have to give our partner the benefit of the doubt on both sides. Like, what's the most generous interpretation of this? And that's not gonna be, well, my partner just doesn't give a shit about me. They just don't care about me. Can I find my way to a more generous interpretation? Can I try to reorient myself from this really strong negative bias to seeing, you know, how my partner does show up for me and making sure that they know that, making sure that they feel really acknowledged again on both sides? And because the more we shift to that kind of culture of appreciation and acknowledgment, the more safety there's going to be and the more likely we are to be able to then take risks because vulnerability doesn't feel so frightening. If we're in a culture of blame and accusation and attack and defensiveness, vulnerability is a really big ask against that backdrop because we feel like we're in constant self protection. So if you can find a way to shift that culture, shift the relational environment towards something that is more positive, and appreciative, then you may just find that your partner is more willing to meet you in the middle or take those risks, step out of their comfort zone because you've created a really secure foundation for them to do that.

[00:23:31]:

Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful for you. As I said, I hope that you felt seen validated maybe by aspects of those. And even if it's not a carbon copy of those exact fights that you might you know, see aspects of yourself and your partner or maybe an ex partner in the dynamics that I've spoken to that can sit underneath those surface level fight. So hopefully that's given you a little bit more compassion and empathy for your partner and also some greater conscious awareness about what drives your own triggers and so that you don't just have to do a rinse and repeat of those painful arguments that tend to drive you further and further apart rather than bringing you closer together, which is, of course, what we're trying to do. And as I said, if you want to go deeper on that kind of conversation, Secure Together is a really great course, particularly so because Joel is kind of co teaching it with me. And so he's there in all of the videos giving the avoidant perspective directly. I had so much beautiful feedback from people's avoidant partners, who've really loved that and felt that it's been really balanced and so has felt less intimidating for them.

[00:24:35]:

It's not just being lectured to by someone who's on team anxious. It's actually really trying to give a voice to both perspectives with a view to helping you understand each other. So, there's a few more days to get 50% off that course if you are interested, and you can do so via the links in the show notes or heading straight to my website. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me. So appreciative of you all always, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.

[00:25:04]:

Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.

Keywords from Podcast Episode

attachment, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, anxious avoidant relationship, attachment styles, conflict, fights, insecurity, building relationships, thriving relationships, conscious awareness, romantic relationships, relationship dynamics, intimacy, fear and insecurity, safety in relationships, attachment needs, protective mechanisms, anxiety, regulation, avoiding conflict, partner dynamics, love languages, words of affirmation, physical affection, quality time, acts of service, gift giving, emotional regulation, relationship communication

Stephanie Rigg 5/6/24 Stephanie Rigg 5/6/24

#143 Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships

In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.

Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.

LISTEN: APPLE| SPOTIFY

In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.

Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.

💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:

Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships

Balancing the delicate dance between togetherness and separateness in relationships, especially those marked by anxious-avoidant dynamics, is no easy feat. This dance often unearths conflicting needs and sensitivities, leading to misunderstandings, miscommunications, and recurring conflict cycles. Understanding and navigating these tensions can transform the quality of interaction and connection within these relationships.

Understanding Anxious and Avoidant Dynamics

In any relationship, partners often bring their unique attachment styles, which influence their behaviours and needs. Anxious individuals crave closeness and reassurance. They feel secure when they can observe, in real-time, the presence and commitment of their partner. This sense of togetherness, albeit in physical proximity, mitigates their underlying fear of abandonment.

Conversely, avoidant individuals value their alone time as a space to recharge and regulate. This time in solitude is not merely about being alone; it’s about fostering a sense of inner security and independence, enabling them to participate in the relationship more fully when they reconnect.

The challenge arises in the transitions between these states—moving from togetherness to separateness and vice versa.

The Transition from Togetherness to Separateness

For anxious individuals, the shift from being together to being apart can be particularly distressing. This transition threatens their sense of security. They may experience heightened anxiety, often leading to behaviours perceived as clinging or over-involved, like frequent messaging or checking in.

To ease this transition for an anxious partner, small gestures can go a long way. Simple expressions of love and reassurance, such as saying, “I love you, I’ll talk to you tonight,” can significantly reduce anxiety. Furthermore, avoidant partners should be mindful to not exit abruptly without acknowledging their departure. A hug, a kiss, and a warm goodbye before heading to work, for example, can soften the transition and provide the anxious partner the reassurance they need.

Sharing your schedule or the next point of contact also helps. For instance, letting your partner know that you’ll call during lunch or text when you arrive can be exceptionally comforting. These gestures demonstrate respect and understanding for your partner’s needs, curbing the anxious reactions that might otherwise manifest.

The Transition from Separateness to Togetherness

For avoidant individuals, the challenge often lies in transitioning from their cherished alone time back into connection. An abrupt or unplanned return to interaction can feel jarring and intrusive, leading to feelings of overwhelm or irritability.

The analogy of surfacing from a scuba dive or a bear waking from hibernation aptly captures this experience. Avoidant individuals need a gradual re-entry into connection. Respecting this need begins with understanding and empathy. If your partner is immersed in their personal activity, barging in with conversation can be disconcerting.

Instead, send a gentle signal. If dinner is ready in fifteen minutes, let them know in advance rather than demanding their immediate presence. This forewarning allows them to wrap up their activities and mentally prepare for re-engagement.

Creating a smoother transition helps them feel respected and reduces the likelihood of defensive reactions. Consequently, they will likely join you feeling more resourceful and less overwhelmed.

Mutual Respect and Sensitivity

The key to navigating these opposing needs lies in mutual sensitivity and respect. Both anxious and avoidant partners must actively work to understand and honour their partner’s attachment style.

For avoidant partners, this might mean going the extra mile to provide the continuity and reassurance that their anxious partner craves. As detailed, small acts of consideration, like communicating clearly about when you'll next connect, can prevent anxious spirals and enhance a sense of security.

On the other hand, anxious partners should strive to respect their partner’s need for space. Recognising that the alone time cherished by avoidant individuals is not a rejection but a means to maintain their inner equilibrium. By allowing them to transition gradually from their solitude, you contribute to a more balanced and harmonious reconnection.

Mutual efforts in this regard help minimise friction and misunderstandings, reinforcing the narrative that each partner’s needs are valid and respected. It’s about fostering a collaborative environment where both partners feel supported and understood.

The Importance of Micro-Moments

Addressing these transitional sensitivities doesn’t just prevent conflict but preserves the bond between partners. Micro-moments of care and respect accumulate over time, building a robust foundation of trust and security. These moments might seem trivial individually, but collectively, they form the bedrock of a resilient and loving relationship.

In essence, it’s about tuning into each other’s unspoken needs and creating an environment where both partners feel valued. Understanding the choreographies of attachment styles and the specific needs they generate is crucial. By integrating these practices into daily interactions, couples can significantly enhance their relational satisfaction and overall bond.

Navigating the balance between togetherness and separateness with care and consideration not only helps in managing anxieties but cultivates a deeper, more nuanced intimacy. This respectful dance, marked by mutual accommodation and understanding, paves the way for a harmonious and thriving relationship.