#189: Why Anxiously Attached People Struggle with Jealousy
Jealousy is one of the most common—and most shamed—experiences for people with anxious attachment. In this episode, we’re exploring where jealousy really comes from, how it manifests in relationships, and why it makes so much sense through the lens of self-worth and attachment wounding.
For those with anxious attachment, jealousy tends to hit differently. It’s not just a fleeting emotion—it can feel all-consuming. And often, we carry a lot of shame about it. We judge ourselves for being “crazy” or “needy,” bury the feeling, and pretend everything is fine, while quietly spiralling inside. But when we approach jealousy with curiosity instead of criticism, we can start to understand what it’s really trying to show us.
The Roots of Jealousy in Anxious Attachment
At the core of anxious attachment lies a fear that we’re not enough. Not good enough, not attractive enough, not lovable enough. And if we believe that, it’s easy to imagine that someone “better” might come along and take our place.
So we stay hyper-alert. We scan our environment for threats. We compare ourselves to others—exes, colleagues, strangers on social media. We try to control the narrative, to protect what feels fragile. We might find ourselves engaging in behaviours we’re not proud of—stalking an ex online, obsessively seeking reassurance, snooping through a partner’s phone. And then we feel even worse about ourselves, reinforcing that deep-seated belief: “Something must be wrong with me.”
This kind of jealousy isn’t always about a specific person or threat. Sometimes it’s more subtle. We might feel jealous of our partner’s time, their work, their friends—anything that feels like it pulls them away from us. And underneath that? A longing to feel like a priority. A longing to feel chosen.
When Jealousy Is a Signal (Not a Symptom)
Of course, not all jealousy is irrational. Sometimes, there are valid concerns — boundary crossings, breaches of trust, emotional unavailability. But in this context, I’m speaking to the kind of jealousy that persists even in the absence of concrete red flags. The kind that has followed you from one relationship to the next. The kind that seems more rooted in your own self-worth than your partner’s behaviour.
When we start to see jealousy as a signal — not a character flaw — we can begin to respond to it more compassionately. What is this feeling trying to show me? What part of me is scared, hurting, or longing for something I haven’t yet learned to give myself?
The Shame Spiral
Jealousy is one of those emotions we’re culturally conditioned to suppress. It’s labelled as immature, controlling, embarrassing. So when it shows up, we often respond with shame. But shame doesn’t resolve jealousy—it magnifies it.
And when we add shame to an already vulnerable emotional cocktail of fear, insecurity, and comparison, we tend to act in ways that don’t align with our values. We might get clingy, controlling, or shut down. Then we beat ourselves up for being “too much,” which only reinforces the belief that we’re not enough.
It’s a cycle. But it’s not one you’re doomed to repeat forever.
The Role of Self-Worth
If there’s one thing I’ve learned — both personally and from working with thousands of people on healing anxious attachment — it’s this: so many of our relational struggles trace back to self-worth.
When we don’t believe we’re inherently worthy, we try to earn love. We chase it. We monitor it. We compare ourselves to anyone who might seem more worthy of it. But when we build genuine self-worth, jealousy starts to lose its grip. We no longer feel as threatened by someone else’s success, beauty, or charm. We don’t panic when our partner is late to text back or wants a night out with friends.
That doesn’t mean we never feel a twinge of jealousy — it just doesn’t hijack our nervous system. We’re able to stay grounded, get curious, and respond rather than react.
Moving Through Jealousy With Compassion
If this resonates, please know there’s nothing wrong with you. Jealousy is human. It doesn’t make you broken or unlovable. But it can be an invitation—to strengthen your inner foundation, to get to know your triggers, and to care for the parts of you that feel scared and small.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
When you notice feelings of jealousy arising in your relationship (or even outside of a relationship), what thoughts and beliefs tend to come up for you? Do you see any patterns in how you respond to these emotions?
How do you typically relate to your own experience of jealousy or envy? Is your first instinct to judge yourself, or can you approach these feelings with curiosity and compassion?
Reflect on a recent situation where you felt jealous—what do you believe was underneath that emotion? Was it a fear of being replaced, a sense of low self-worth, or something else entirely?
Do you catch yourself comparing yourself to others—friends, ex-partners, social media connections, or even strangers? What do you notice about how these comparisons impact your sense of self-worth?
In your relationships, do you ever feel like you're not a priority? How do you respond to that feeling, and what stories do you tell yourself about what it means?
When jealousy shows up, are you more likely to engage in behaviours like seeking reassurance, social media “stalking”, or over-analysing interactions? What needs do you think these behaviours are trying to meet?
Looking back, can you identify any longstanding core beliefs (for example, “I’m not good enough” or “Love can be taken away at any moment”) that might be driving your experience of jealousy?
How do you tend to handle situations where your jealousy feels overwhelming? Are there self-soothing strategies (or self-shaming habits) you notice yourself relying on?
What would it look like to address the root causes of jealousy through building self-worth, rather than trying to “fix” the jealousy itself?
How do you feel about the idea that, when you genuinely like and accept yourself, jealousy and comparison might naturally soften? What would need to shift internally for you to reach that place?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:32]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about jealousy and in particular, why anxiously attached people struggle so much with jealousy. Now, if you are someone with anxious attachment patterns, you are probably very intimate with this struggle. It is really something that I'm answering questions on several times a week, every week from students in my healing anxious attachment course. It feels like a constant companion for a lot of us with anxious attachment patterns. And as we're going to talk about today, that makes a whole heap of sense because I think looking at the core wounds and beliefs of anxious attachment, jealousy emerges as a very, very natural consequence of feeling like we are not good enough, feeling like love can be taken away at any moment, comparison, unworthiness, fear of rejection. I think that all of those different expressions of our insecurity can often converge to create jealousy, and that jealousy can be really all consuming. I say that as someone who used to really, really struggle with jealousy. It used to be almost crippling for me, and yet it was something that I felt so much shame around that I buried it.
[00:01:44]:
No one would have known that I was wildly jealous. It's not something that I necessarily externalized and voiced to my partners. It was just something that I carried silently and yet it was so all consuming. I would engage in all of the behaviors that we'll talk about a little more in today's episode, the social media stalking, the obsessive comparison with other women, stuff like that was just, like, par for the course for me. It was a daily struggle. And so I wanna talk a little more about where this comes from, what sits underneath it in a way that hopefully allows you to reflect upon your own relationship with jealousy from a more neutral standpoint. Because I think one of the really big problems with jealousy is that collectively, societally, we tend to have a negative judgment attached to experiences of jealousy. It's not an emotion that many of us feel positively about.
[00:02:36]:
And so I think we associate jealousy with, like, craziness or being clingy or being desperate. And so then when we experience jealousy and maybe we experience it really intensely, we tend to shame ourselves for that, and that only makes it worse. It does nothing to help the underlying insecurities that are driving that jealousy in the first place. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, and my hope is that you can walk away from today's episode with the ability to look compassionately and inquisitively at your jealousy. Approaching ourselves with curiosity is so much more fruitful than just labeling ourselves as bad and going, how can I stop being so jealous because it's ruining everything? As I always say, when we kind of heap shame and blame and wrongness on top of an experience we're having that's already really challenging, that invariably makes it worse and bigger. Now before we get into today's episode, couple of quick announcements. The first being my twenty eight day Secure Self Challenge is coming back. I'm gonna be running the challenge kicking off in mid June, and Monday, June will kick off.
[00:03:40]:
It's a four week challenge all about building self worth. And as we'll talk about today, so many of our relational struggles, whether it's jealousy or comparison or anxiety, all words lead back to self worth. And that's really the core of my teaching across so many different topics is that when our relational patterns are so other focused, which they are in anxious attachment, we tend to focus so much on the relationship and the other person, and we become so preoccupied with everything that's going on out there. And that is almost always to the detriment of our inner relationship and our sense of self worth and self esteem. And rather than trying to solve those issues in isolation, I'm always telling people, focus on you, build up your sense of self worth so that you don't feel so vulnerable to what's going on out there, so that you don't feel like you are just treading water and clutching at anyone and anything that might make you feel better temporarily. So all roads lead back to building self worth, and that's what the Secure Soft Challenge is all about. It's a really nice, short and sweet, not too content heavy way to reset, irrespective of whether you're currently in a relationship and feeling a bit stuck, whether you're just out of a breakup, whether you're dating and feeling like you're spinning out a bit. It's just a really nice way to come back to center, get really clear on who am I, who do I wanna be, how do I wanna show up, and be really intentional about all of that and and really flipping the script from the inside out.
[00:05:03]:
So if you're interested in that, I'm offering super early bird pricing for the next few days. You can sign up to the challenge for just $97 US dollars, and that includes the challenge materials, a pop up community for the four weeks, as well as two live calls with me. So it's a really great value offer. And you can sign up for that by heading to my website, stephaniewrigg.com, or the link to sign up is also included in the show notes. Okay. So let's talk about anxious attachment and jealousy. Now before we get into the meat of this discussion, I do just wanna offer a quick disclaimer or caveat. And I always like to say this before going into any discussion of things like trust or jealousy.
[00:05:41]:
Because I think sometimes people can say, oh, I don't know why I'm so jealous, or I don't know why I struggle with trust. And then they go on to tell me about several experiences where trust has been breached or lines have been crossed in their current relationship with their current partner, and yet they're making it an end problem. So I just wanna frame that I'm not so much talking in this discussion about jealousy as a natural response to inappropriate behavior in your relationship or boundary violations in your relationship. I think that is a different conversation, and it's not one that we want to be solving as a, I just need to stop being so jealous. I need to make myself fine with things that I'm clearly not fine with. Really, what I'm talking about here is where jealousy has followed you throughout your life, and you know that it's something to do with your inner relationship. And maybe it's even when you're not in a relationship, you struggle with jealousy, you are very envious of other people, you struggle with comparison a lot. All of those things signal, like, this is a self worth problem.
[00:06:40]:
And so it is something that I can really get curious about in terms of what is it in my own inner relationship and my own subconscious beliefs about myself and others that is producing this experience of constant jealousy. So I think for anxiously attached people, jealousy can feel like a minefield. And I think it can be useful when we're talking about jealousy to distinguish between jealousy as in I have to be possessive and protective of what is mine, and jealousy that can take more the form of envy in that I want something that someone else has or I'm I'm envious of what they have. And I think anxiously attached people experience both of those things. So you might look at other people, compare yourself to them, and feel less than and go, I'm so jealous of them and what they have or what they are that I am not. And we can use that as a way to feed our stories of low self worth, or it can be jealousy in the sense of, like, get away from my partner. I don't trust that person. I don't want them anywhere near my partner.
[00:07:37]:
I don't want my partner interacting with them, looking at them, having any sort of proximity to them at all because I feel the need to protect what is mine against those perceived outside threats. And I think that, as I said, anxiously attached people probably grapple with both of those flavors of jealousy. But it can be useful to reflect on, like, what's this really about? Is it me protecting what is mine, or is it me wanting what someone else has that I feel I lack? And neither is better or worse there. It's just interesting always to find what is this really about for me. And I think that maybe depending on the answer to that, the the fix might be different. So I think there can be lots of expressions of jealousy for anxiously attached people. There's the comparison. There's the low self worth.
[00:08:18]:
There's the fear of being replaced. So this sense that if my partner comes into contact with other people who I perceive as being my competitors, then they're going to realize that those people are better than me. More attractive, more confident, more intelligent, more charming, more whatever. And if given the opportunity, they're gonna want them instead of me. And so I'm going to be rejected. I'm going to be left. I'm gonna be replaced. And so jealousy emerges as this way to prevent that from happening to try and control the situation because I feel that I can't just release the group.
[00:08:58]:
I can't just be because I'm not enough as I am, and I need to make sure that my partner doesn't find out about that. They don't realize that, and certainly that they don't get the opportunity to trade up if I think that that's always a looming threat. So we can see that there are a lot of really tender fears that sit underneath jealousy, and that's why it's so important to actually dig a little and try and be compassionate because this stuff runs really deep. And if we just shame ourselves and go like, oh, I'm so whatever. Why am I like this? I need to stop being like this. And when we're already feeling so unworthy, so not enough, so insecure that we think that an attractive person that our partner passes on the street is a threat to everything in our relationship. That is a very, very vulnerable way to be in a relationship, and not the good kind of vulnerability. Vulnerable in the sense of so fragile.
[00:09:50]:
It's It's little wonder that if that's how we're operating, that we feel so shaky. We feel so anxious all the time because we are so primed to see and perceive threats everywhere we look. And now I think when we are operating from those subconscious scripts and subconscious beliefs around jealousy, maybe not even subconscious, maybe they're very front of mind for you that I'm not good enough. I'm not attractive enough. I can't trust in my relationship. It doesn't feel sturdy enough for me to just believe that my partner actually values me, loves me, wants me, chooses me. My partner's gonna leave me at a moment's notice. Like, all of those beliefs can drive a lot of our so called anxious attachment behaviors, our maybe not so healthy relationship behaviors.
[00:10:37]:
So things like social media stalking, things like maybe snooping through your partner's phone if you are really jealous and you're hypervigilant about that colleague. And what are their emails to each other like? And do I need to monitor for the tone in those emails? Is that flotation? Is it all of those things? Right? And our anxious parts go, like, you need to gather information because there are threats here, and I know there are threats here, and I need to go hunting for them. Some of the other behaviors that can come from jealousy are, like, incessant reassurance seeking. So asking someone, like, do you love me? Do you love her? Do you find her attractive? Why did you and your ex break up? Are you sure you don't have feelings for her? These patterns of questioning and reassurance seeking that never really scratch the itch. And I think that is so often the case with anxious attachment. It's so hard to take it in because if you fundamentally don't believe that your partner loves you and is choosing you, and you're always testing and you're always moving the goalposts, you can never take it in because you just don't believe it. And you're always looking for more evidence that it's not true or that it's going to be taken away or that something bad is going to happen. I think that can get you in a real loop of seeking that reassurance only to not take it in, and then your partner feels a bit like, what are we doing here? What's the point? Nothing I say is enough to alleviate your fears.
[00:11:55]:
I don't know why you don't trust me, And that can obviously be very exhausting for a partner and kind of exhausting for a relationship to be in that kind of cycle. Now, again, I just wanna emphasize that I'm not so much talking about situations where there are genuine breaches of trust going on. There are genuine, like, causes for concern. I'm talking more about where jealousy arises from that low self worth place within us and drives all of these behaviors when maybe there's not much to it. It is more in the form of paranoia and fear rather than a rational response to something that is going on that is not okay. I think another really interesting branch off the tree when it comes to the jealousy conversation is feeling like you are not a priority. And so feeling jealous of anyone and anything. So it can extend beyond people, and you can be jealous of a partner's work or hobbies or things that they spend time on that aren't you.
[00:12:54]:
I think this could almost be a whole episode in and of itself. In fact, I'm sure it could be because I think it's something we don't talk enough about how anxiously attached people constantly feel like they are not enough of a priority in their partner's life. And so they fight for their place, and they feel like they have to earn their place in someone's life and work really hard for that. And so they perceive all of these other things, whether it is, like, work or other people, friends, as their competitors again. That, like, I kind of need to be scrambling, elbowing these other people out of the way and convincing you that you should wanna spend time with me and not them. And so I think jealousy can come up when we feel hurt or rejected or neglected in a relationship. And it's this sense of, like, why don't you wanna spend time with me? Why aren't I good enough? Why isn't spending time with me the thing that you wanna do above everything else? Because I put you above everything else, and I think that's the the right thing to do in a relationship is to put you above everything else. So the fact that you don't necessarily reciprocate that or mirror that to the same degree must mean that you don't love me the way I love you, and that makes me feel hurt, rejected less than.
[00:14:05]:
And so that's a really, really common one. I actually hear this a lot from people in the context of often women who are dating men who have children from a previous relationship and feeling that they rank way down the list in terms of priorities in spending time together that the person they're seeing puts their kids first and maybe even their ex first and work and all of these things. And because they're busy and they're being pulled in many directions, people feeling like, I don't know where I stand with you because there are so many things ahead of me in the queue, and I'm always feeling like I'm just waiting around for any opportunity to spend time with you. And that's not something that you're really actively prioritizing, and that can really touch at some of our most sensitive wounds and and feelings of not being good enough, of not being, you know, if I were more something, then you would wanna spend time with me. You would make me a priority. And so I try and prove my worth. I try and strive for a place in your life. And oftentimes in doing so, I just feel like a failure.
[00:15:07]:
I feel nothing I do is enough for you to make me a priority. And so even though we wouldn't necessarily think of that as a jealousy thing, I think jealousy can arise in that kind of setting because we get jealous of even a partner's kids who are in previous relationship or a partner's ex if they're communicating with them even just functionally about co parenting or a partner's friends or people they play golf with or whatever. It can feel like all of these people rank ahead of me. What would it take for me to be higher on the list? And so we can feel really envious and jealous of all of those things that are taking our partner away from us when all we want is to be close. So all of that is painting the picture of how jealousy can look and where it can come from, and the various permutations and expressions of jealousy that anxiously attached people will often experience in relationships, and some of the behaviors that can spring from it, that maybe then feed these shame cycles of I'm feeling really insecure, and so I behave in these ways that then I shame myself for, that then leads me to feel more insecure. And then on and on, I spiral into that loop of kind of berating myself for not being more secure, but that insecurity then feeds all of the behaviors that make me shame myself more. So what do we do with all of this? I think, as I said earlier, the remedy can depend a little on the specifics of the situation. Sometimes we need to have a conversation with someone.
[00:16:32]:
Maybe there are boundaries that need to be clarified. Maybe we need to advocate more for what we want and need in a relationship. But I think oftentimes, in fact, almost always, your experience of jealousy will be at least somewhat alleviated by focusing on building self worth. Because I think that underpinning all of those expressions of jealousy is a feeling of unworthiness and I am not enough. And so I have to prove myself to you so that you don't leave me, reject me, so that you want me more, so that you choose me, so that you show up for me. But I'm making whatever's going on out there a me problem, and I'm feeding the story that I have to prove myself. So when I can really heal that at the root within myself and build genuine self confidence and genuine self esteem so that I can stand firm in, like, I know who I am, and I'm comfortable in who I am. And I don't think that something as fleeting and innocuous as, like, an attractive person in a restaurant, I don't feel threatened by that.
[00:17:31]:
That has nothing to do with me or my relationship. I say this again as someone who absolutely used to see those threats everywhere and feel genuinely destabilized by them. Noticing things like, Is my partner looking at that person? Oh, is this colleague a threat? Is that person in the extended friendship group a threat? All of these things, it was just such hypersensitivity to anyone and anything that I thought could be a source of danger to me and my relationship that already felt so fragile. So, I really understand this, And I can guarantee you that when you learn to really embody sincere self confidence and really actually learning to like yourself, never mind learning to love yourself. I think that could come later, but just focusing on, can I really hand on heart say, like, I'm comfortable with who I am and I like myself? I think that jealousy falls away. It just feels less relevant. It feels way less acute. It's not something that occupies so much of your mental and emotional energy because you really start to trust in your relationships.
[00:18:34]:
And I think your relationships start to be healthier and more balanced, so that you're not constantly scrambling for someone's attention. And I think your ability to see a relationship for what it is and go, Is this aligned? Or am I asking for something from someone who's never gonna be able to give it to me? So I think that, like, it all bleeds out and ripples out into a healthier and more balanced way of being in relationship. And I think jealousy is not one that we then need to solve as a standalone issue in isolation because I do find that it naturally softens as a result of working on building self worth and and being more comfortable in who we are. So I hope that that's been helpful and has given you something to think about if you are someone who struggles a lot with jealousy and envy and comparison. Please know that it is nothing to be ashamed of. It really is, a, completely human. Like, jealousy is something every single one of us has experienced. Envy too.
[00:19:30]:
I think we can have, as I said, like, all these really heavy negative connotations attached to these emotions, but they're just emotions like any other. The more that we can look at them with compassion and and a degree of neutrality, the more we can see a point of this and go, okay, what's really going on for me here, and how might I support myself to feel a little more grounded so that I don't feel like I'm at the mercy of these spirals that I can get into around jealousy and comparison and feeling so insecure and unstable in myself and my relationships. Okay. I'm gonna leave it there. Thank you so much for joining me today, guys. I really hope that this has been helpful. A reminder again about the Secure Self Challenge, which is kicking off in a couple weeks' time. If you haven't already checked out my free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love, that is a great free option as well if you wanna go deeper on some of the themes that we talked about here today. Okay. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I'll see you again next time.
[00:20:27]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
healing anxious attachment, attachment styles, relationships, single vs in a relationship, personal growth, self-awareness, romantic triggers, emotional safety, inner relationship, self-esteem, corrective experiences, core wounds, nervous system, somatic healing, belief reprogramming, communication skills, setting boundaries, conflict resolution, relationship patterns, vulnerability, intimacy, self-advocacy, relationship breakups, dating, transformation, personal development, emotional regulation, being triggered, relational wounds, decision making in healing
#180: 5 Hard Truths About Healing Anxious Attachment
Healing anxious attachment is a life-changing journey — but it’s not always easy. While moving toward secure attachment can bring more ease, confidence, and healthier relationships, it also requires confronting some uncomfortable truths along the way. In this episode, we’re unpacking five hard truths about healing that will help you set realistic expectations and stay committed to your growth.
Healing anxious attachment is a life-changing journey — but it’s not always easy. While moving toward secure attachment can bring more ease, confidence, and healthier relationships, it also requires confronting some uncomfortable truths along the way. In this episode, we’re unpacking five hard truths about healing that will help you set realistic expectations and stay committed to your growth.
What We Cover in This Episode:
Why healing isn’t always comfortable — and why grief is often part of the process
The myth of waking up one day as "fully secure" and what real progress looks like
How healing might disrupt your relationships (and why not everyone will like the changes you make)
Why you won’t stop getting triggered — but how you can gain more control over your reactions
The surprising truth: sometimes you’ll miss your old patterns, even the unhealthy ones
Healing doesn’t mean never struggling again. It means showing up differently, practicing new choices, and being compassionate with yourself along the way. If you're in the thick of it, know that you're not alone, and every step forward matters.
Healing Anxious Attachment: Embracing the Journey
In the realm of relationships, anxious attachment can feel like carrying a heavy weight. It colours interactions with an urgency to secure love and approval, often leading to cycles of fear and reactivity that can strain even the strongest of bonds. Understanding and healing anxious attachment is not only an act of self-care but also a pathway to cultivating healthier, more satisfying connections with others. However, the journey of healing is often fraught with challenges that can catch individuals by surprise. Here, we explore five hard truths about healing anxious attachment and provide insights into navigating these realities with grace and resilience.
1. Embracing Discomfort as a Sign of Progress
Healing is rarely a seamless or comfortable endeavour. For those embarking on a journey to address anxious attachment, there will be moments of discomfort that mirror grief. Bringing awareness to past wounds—those patterns of self-abandonment, the ingrained fears of unworthiness, and visceral feelings of potential rejection—can be painful. It's essential to confront these emotions, however unsettling they may be, to truly liberate oneself from the weight of past burdens. By acknowledging and processing these feelings, individuals build resilience, paving the way for emotional freedom and authenticity. Embracing discomfort as a natural part of healing allows for genuine growth and transformation.
2. The Elusiveness of a 'Secure' Destination
One of the biggest misconceptions in healing is the belief that reaching a state of 'secure attachment' is akin to crossing a finish line. The truth is, there is no single moment of arrival. Healing anxious attachment is a gradual, ongoing practice. It involves repeatedly choosing new ways of responding to triggers, over and over again, until they become the default. This transition happens slowly; it's about cultivating tools and using them consistently rather than expecting an overnight change in behaviour or feelings. Over time, the newer, healthier patterns become more comfortable—a testament to progress rather than a sudden transformation.
3. Navigating External Resistance to Personal Growth
As individuals reshape their ways of being, they may encounter resistance from others who are accustomed to the old dynamics. Healing anxious attachment involves setting boundaries, expressing needs, and sometimes redefining relationships. Not everyone will welcome these changes. Friends or family who were content with the status quo might push back, as these shifts challenge the system's balance. It's vital to remain steadfast in the journey towards authenticity and well-being, even if it means facing discontent from others. True growth is rooted in self-validation rather than external approval, and finding courage to uphold one's emotional health is crucial.
4. Expecting and Managing Triggers Along the Way
The notion that healing eliminates all triggers is a myth. Triggers remain a part of life, and being activated by certain stimuli is inevitable. The real growth lies in the ability to respond differently. Through healing, individuals gain better control over their reactions, opting for more thoughtful and intentional behaviours rather than reactive impulses. This development is akin to expanding one's emotional toolkit, allowing for healthier coping strategies when facing challenges. While triggers may never entirely disappear, their hold weakens as one's capacity to self-regulate and choose constructive responses strengthens.
5. Acknowledging a Sense of Nostalgia for Old Patterns
Strangely, during the healing process, there may be moments where old patterns seem enticing. The comfort of familiarity can draw individuals back to well-worn routes of protection and defence, even if those paths were hurtful. It's essential to recognise this as a normal part of change. Sometimes, the immediate gratification of falling back into old habits tempts, akin to craving junk food despite knowing its ill effects. Acknowledging this desire without judgment is key to moving forward. Continuing to choose growth over regression enhances personal integrity and supports long-term well-being.
The Journey is the Destination
Healing anxious attachment is a courageous voyage that demands patience, commitment, and self-compassion. These hard truths serve as guideposts, reminding us that while the journey may be challenging, it's ultimately worthwhile. Each step, each uncomfortable realisation, and each choice to act from a place of security and calm rather than fear and reactivity signifies progress. Embracing this path, with all its messiness and moments of clarity, leads not only to self-discovery but to the profound ability to connect more meaningfully with others. Healing is not just an end goal; it is an ongoing practice of choosing love and authenticity daily.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your expectations around the healing journey. Do you find yourself expecting it to be seamless and comfortable? How does this align with your experiences so far?
Have you noticed a gap between your expectations and the reality of your healing process? How do you manage these discrepancies and maintain motivation?
Consider the concept that healing is a practice rather than a destination. How does this idea impact your approach to personal growth and change?
Think about a time when you received pushback from others as a result of your personal growth. How did you handle the situation, and what did it teach you about your relationships?
Reflect on your experiences of being triggered in relationships. How have you navigated these moments, and what strategies do you use to respond more mindfully?
How do you balance the longing for comfort in old patterns with the desire to embrace healthier ways of being? What role does self-compassion play in this process?
Have you ever felt a sense of grief during your healing journey as you confronted past wounds? How did you support yourself through these emotions?
Consider the idea that not everyone will appreciate the changes you're making in your life. How do you prioritize your path to authenticity while managing the fear of losing approval or connection?
Does the concept of missing old patterns resonate with you? How do you navigate moments when you find yourself yearning for the familiarity of those habits?
Reflect on the importance of self-reflection and course correction in your healing journey. How do you cultivate a mindset that allows for growth without self-criticism?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about healing, and specifically five hard truths about healing anxious attachments that you will likely encounter if you are on a healing journey. Really, these truths that I'm going to share extend beyond just anxious attachment. I think if any of us are on a healing journey, as I suspect most of the people listening to this podcast are or have been, We will often be met with instances in which there's a bit of a gap between expectation and reality, let's put it that way, in terms of what we were hoping for, what we expected about what our growth and healing might entail, and the reality of it, which is often a bit messier and sometimes more challenging than we might have anticipated. So in today's episode, I want to dispel some myths when it comes to the healing process, and really frame your expectations around what that is likely to look like, what you can expect as you walk the path of healing, particularly in the context of anxious attachment, but as I said, this will apply more broadly as well. And the reason that I want to talk about that is really because I think so many people who I work with have maybe unrealistic expectations as to what it really means to do this work and what it involves, and so there can be this sense of you know, 'something's wrong if I'm still getting triggered', or 'something's wrong if I still experience anxiety from time to time', 'still having conflict in my relationship', or 'I've still found myself being attracted to a certain type of person', and I think there can be this almost fantasy that once we've done certain healing work, listened to podcasts, done a course, read a book, or two or three or four, that we should sort of magically dissolve all of those old patterns.
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And as we'll talk about today, of course, the truth is a little bit more nuanced than that. There is a bit more to it, and it's not that we are magically becoming someone totally different overnight, and having all of our blueprints and patterns and protective strategies dissolving into nothingness. It is really an ongoing practice and something that we are choosing and growing into every day, and that doesn't allow us to opt out of life with all of its messiness and challenge. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. If you're someone with anxious attachment and you are just starting out on your healing journey, I have a free starter kit that contains a video where I talk about my own journey with healing anxious attachment and the hard truths that I had to confront, a workbook and also a guided meditation. So it's a really great little starter kit that gives you a sense of the road ahead and starts you on that journey with some tools. And as I said, that's totally free, so you can download that via my website or the link in the show notes.
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And if you are maybe a little further along in your journey or you're wanting to kick things up a notch, a reminder that my signature program Healing Anxious Attachment is available and is on sale at the moment, so you might have heard me in the past couple of weeks promoting a birthday sale. The VIP contingent of that has come and gone, but I am offering the course at a discounted rate for its birthday for the next week or so. So you can still save over $100 on the regular price, and you don't need any code or anything for that. That's all just on my website, again linked in the show notes. So if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, definitely check that out. Thousands of people have gone through the program and it always gets really rave reviews. So a great resource for anyone who's really looking to commit to themselves and their healing journey. Okay, so let's talk about five hard truths that you will face in healing your anxious attachment.
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The first one is that healing is not always comfortable. In fact, it will often be uncomfortable, and it will sometimes even feel like grief. In fact, often it will bring up grief as we go through that journey because the more we bring conscious awareness to all of the ways in which we have become disconnected from ourself, lost ourself, abandoned ourself, As we connect the dots between old pain and wounds and young parts of us that have been maybe in the driver's seat for much of our lives, when we start to dig in underneath some of those protective strategies and it reveals to us some really primal fears around unworthiness, around belonging, around being good enough, around this visceral fear that someone's going to leave us, or that we can't count on people or trust people. As much as healing can liberate us from the shackles of all of that heaviness so that we don't have to be subconsciously driven by those fears anymore, the process of that unburdening can be really painful, and it can bring up a lot of grief. It's that classic saying that people throw around which is the only way out is through', and there's some truth to that, that we can't keep all of that stuff locked in a box within us and also hope to become free of it. So the healing process involves turning towards things that we have spent most of our life turning away from, or trying to avoid coming into contact with. So expecting that process of healing to be seamless and comfortable and to always look and feel good is really unrealistic. So it is a hard truth that many of us will have to confront as we do this work, that it will bring up emotions that we've probably spent most of our lives trying to avoid, or bypass or we've made ourselves wrong for.
[00:06:27]:
Okay. The second hard truth when it comes to healing your anxious attachment is you are not going to wake up one day and magically have arrived at the destination that is secure attachment. It doesn't really work that way. It is better thought of as a practice and something that you choose over and over again. I think that, again, I've had people ask me in the past when they're contemplating signing up for my course or working with me in some capacity, and asking, at the end of this eight weeks, am I correct in understanding that I will be securely attached and I won't experience anxiety anymore?' Being as I am committed to honesty and transparency, I am always very frank with people in saying that that's not something I would ever promise. My work is about giving you the tools, and then it's a matter of putting that into practice and showing up for yourself in little moments and big moments. The cumulative impact of that over time is that the old way, which is the way that's led by fear and anxiety and stress and overwhelm and helplessness and all of those things, the old way transitions into a new way. What you might notice, the crux of this hard truth was that you won't magically wake up one day being secure.
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What you might notice is you look at your life one day and the new way is actually more of a default than the old way. So for me, it's not that I never experience or feel any residue of my anxious attachment, I certainly do, but when it comes to things like communication in my relationship or conflict, the idea of reacting in ways that I once would have is now very foreign to me. And that's because of a lot of different things, it's because of the emotional safety that I've built in my relationship, it's because of the greater nervous system capacity that I've cultivated within myself, it's because I have different tools to reach for, it's because frankly I have more integrity and internal boundary around the way that I will and won't behave in a relationship, and I have enough capacity in those moments to exercise choice. But it really is a matter of the old way definitely would feel less comfortable than the new way. But that is because I have practiced, and I have built up evidence in my system over time that the new way actually gives me what I need much more of the time than the old way which might have looked like sulking or protesting or escalating or doing any of those other things that were protective and designed to shield me from vulnerability, but ultimately ineffective in getting me what I wanted and needed in those moments. But it really is something that is gradual over time, and it's also worth mentioning that attachment more broadly exists on a spectrum. A spectrum, it's not like we're in one bucket and then we hop into another bucket once we've ticked off a checklist or something like that. There is a level of fluidity and responsiveness to context, and you might notice that when you are under more stress or pressure, your anxious attachment patterns or any other insecure patterns are closer to the surface.
[00:09:50]:
All of that makes a lot of sense, but the crux of this one is you're not just gonna magically wake up one day and be secure, It is really something that you have to continue choosing and practicing over time, and then one day you will find that it is more comfortable and closer to hand than all of the old patterns that were no longer serving you. Okay. The next hard truth about healing is that not everyone's gonna like the version of you that you're becoming. And this one is particularly challenging for those of us who tend towards people pleasing and approval seeking, and being very invested in external validation and the opinions and judgments of others, and decoupling our sense of worth from that approval, from other people, needing everyone to agree with us and accept us and tell us that we're right and good all the time, that's a really big part of growth. The more we can internally source that sense of worth and value, the less invested we are in everything that's going on out there. Particularly when it comes to our closer relationships, our romantic relationships, but even friends and family, if we are doing big work in terms of learning to be more boundaried, learning to ground ourselves in our own values, our own authenticity, voicing needs, maybe correcting patterns of self loss, self sacrifice, over giving, over functioning, responsibility taking where it was maybe too far beyond our capacity in a way that was ultimately harming our well-being. As we start to correct some of those patterns and find our way back to something that feels more balanced and measured, we may well receive pushback or resistance from people who are accustomed to the status quo that has existed. Relationships are systems, families are systems, and when one person in the system starts to recalibrate, it shakes up the whole system.
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And if other people aren't on a journey of growth and healing, and maybe aren't interested in a new way, maybe they were very comfortable with the old way, then that can feel threatening to them, and they won't necessarily like it because you giving less might mean them having to give more, or you pulling back on some of your patterns of over functioning might mean that certain balls get dropped. All of those things, in anxious avoidant dynamics, anxiously attached people do so much work all the time to close the gap, to reach out. I think of like it's almost like running on a hamster wheel all the time to just try and keep the relationship afloat, and so if you suddenly let go of some of that behavior, it might lead to ripple effects in your relationship. Sometimes there will be really positive ripple effects, but other times it might not be met with warmth and excitement on the other side, it might not be a welcome change. So preparing yourself for the fact that not everyone is going to like the changes that you're making, and really the most important thing there is that you need to be so committed to finding your path to authenticity and well-being in yourself and in your relationships, that that matters more to you than the approval of the people around you. And of course I know that that's so much easier said than done, and that when our sense of authenticity is in conflict with connection or belonging, or any of those other really deep attachment needs, it's almost always easier for us to sacrifice our authenticity, in the short term at least, and that's what got many of us to our patterns. But part of the work of growing and healing is figuring out and deciding, 'Is this worth what it's costing me?' And a lot of us will find our way to answering that in the negative and deciding that we're not actually willing to let go of really fundamental parts of who we are and what we need in order to keep a relationship afloat. Okay.
[00:14:16]:
The fourth hard truth when it comes to healing anxious attachment is one that I've sort of already touched on, but it is that healing does not mean that you are not gonna get triggered anymore. I wish that that were the case, but alas, it is not. Triggers are part of life. Being activated by something is part of life. Certainly, the healing process means that we are less reactive in our triggers. So I think when we are maybe at the start of our healing journey, or we haven't started our healing journey, a lot of people will feel so reactive and so out of control, like almost as if as soon as you get triggered something takes over you and you feel really at the mercy of whatever those responses are. Those protective parts shoot from the hip really quickly, and you then have to deal with the fallout, deal with the consequences afterwards. Healing certainly means that we have more control over how we respond to things, and that's really where the freedom comes into it.
[00:15:23]:
But it doesn't mean that we don't get triggered in the first place. I think it can mean that we get triggered a lot less. I certainly feel not nearly as triggered by things as I once was, and certainly things around the tendency to take people's behaviour personally and go into all of those stories that we might have around how could someone do that?' or 'they're so selfish' all of those judgments that are oftentimes coming from a wounded place within us. I think the more that we can tend to those wounds within us, the less we are likely to place ourselves at the center of the narrative, and I think it is when we are at the center of the narrative that we are more prone to being easily triggered by everything around us. But even still, there will be moments, and particularly in our most intimate relationships, which have a funny knack for triggering us in all of those ways that will feel very familiar. Those moments will still arise, there will still be challenges, there will still be times where you feel that pull to the old way, but healing is really all about creating space, creating pause, building capacity to choose something different that goes back to that earlier hard truth which was that the process of becoming secure is really the process of choice and practice and repetitions over time. So part of that is choosing how we respond to moments of trigger, and that might be through self regulation, self soothing, through taking some space, through coaching ourselves through it, through seeking out the support of someone that we trust. Lots of healthier ways to respond than just, as I said, shooting from the hip and impulsively, reactively firing off those old ways of being that actually keep us entrenched in the patterns that we're trying to shake.
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Okay. And the fifth and final hard truth about healing anxious attachment is that you'll have moments where you miss your old patterns. And that might sound a little weird if you are in the depths of this at the moment and you are doing everything in your power to shake those patterns. The idea of missing those patterns, missing those habits, missing those ways of being probably doesn't make sense to you. But there is something cozy and comfy about our habituated patterns of self protection. I can guarantee you that at least some part of you really, really likes the status quo, really likes the thought loops, really likes those protective mechanisms, really likes all of the ways that you have learned to keep yourself safe. And let's face it, sometimes it can feel really good to make the snappy comment or to not take the high road. We can recognize that, yes, there's certain things that I want to do in terms of how I show up in my relationships.
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Being mature and acting from integrity and my values and all of that, but sometimes we do just want to make the passive aggressive comment or bite back at someone who we feel is disrespecting us. So it's not always comfy or easy to take the high road and to choose something that is more mature and aligned. Often times we will want to reach for those old patterns that even though we know they weren't good for us, they can taste good in the way that junk food does. So there will be times, I promise you, where at least a part of you will want to reach for those old things because you might miss them. It might feel like it was easier or simpler than having to exercise choice, having to make those more grounded, wise choices that are in service of our relationships. Being the bigger person is not always comfortable, and I think some parts of us, particularly younger parts, can have a bit of resistance to that and can feel almost like it's unfair. Why do I always have to be the one to say sorry? Why do I always have to be the one to lead repair in my relationship? Why do I always have to be the one to stay regulated or not take things personally? Those parts of us can come to the surface and just want to go into immature patterns of conflict, or making misnite remarks, or being juvenile, or being petty, being stubborn, all of these things that are a little bit juicy in the moment sometimes, and we want to revert or regress into those old ways of being when we feel entitled to, and when we don't want to have to be the one to lead. So prepare yourself for that, that you might miss aspects of your old patterns, even if they're unhealthy, even if they're dysfunctional.
[00:20:09]:
From time to time you might notice yourself reaching for those, or at least longing for that, or resenting having to do the grown up thing and make the healthy choice in your relationship. Okay. So those were five hard truths that you will confront as you embark on this journey of healing anxious attachment. I hope that it's given you something to sort of frame your expectations around. I do think it's really important in this and everything else to have realistic and healthy expectations, because as I said, otherwise we tend to think that something's wrong when really nothing is wrong. I think that can in turn lead us to be self critical and judgmental and blaming and shaming, which obviously obstructs our healing work. So rather than thinking that you're doing something wrong, if and when you experience any of the things I've talked about today, know that that's part of the process and that your job is just to continue to keep going, to continue being self reflective, and to the extent needed, course correcting. If you do slip up, so to speak, just learn the lesson.
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You don't need to punish yourself for that so much as recognize, okay, what was going on for me here, and what can I learn from it, and and continue putting one foot in front of the other? That's really what all of this is about. It's not about being perfect, it's not about a very neat linear journey from a to b, and really the way that we respond to ourselves along the way is a big part of making that transition from anxious to secure. So I'm sending so much love to any and all of you who are doing this brave and courageous work. And as I said, if you'd like some support on that journey, do check out my healing anxious attachment program, which is on sale for a few more days. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:07]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, Relationships, Healing, Anxious attachment, Insecurity, Growth, Expectations, Myths, Healing process, Emotional safety, Secure attachment, Personal growth, People pleasing, Boundaries, Self-worth, Triggers, Self-regulation, Conflict, Vulnerability, Communication, Protective strategies, Emotional awareness, Authenticity, Self-reflection, Self-soothing, Self-confidence, Conflict resolution, Personal development, Anxiety, Attachment theory.