#199: How Our Early Imprints Shape Our Lives & Relationships with Lael Stone

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Our earliest experiences—those quiet (and not-so-quiet) moments in our families growing up—leave lasting imprints. These imprints become the lens through which we see ourselves, others, and the world. They shape how we communicate, resolve conflict, show love, and even what we believe we deserve in relationships.

In a recent conversation with educator, speaker, and author Lael Stone, we explored how these early imprints influence our adult relationships, and more importantly, how we can become aware of them to consciously rewrite our stories.

What Are “Early Imprints”?

Lael describes early imprints as the patterns, beliefs, and emotional templates we absorb—often unconsciously—through childhood experiences. These can come from:

• How our caregivers communicated (or didn’t)

• How conflict was handled

• What was celebrated and what was shamed

• How emotions were met—or shut down

Some imprints are empowering. For example, growing up watching kindness and mutual respect between your parents can create a healthy template for intimacy. Others can be deeply limiting, like learning that emotions are “too much” or that conflict means withdrawal and silence.

When Unhealthy Imprints Play Out in Adult Relationships

Because our imprints feel “normal,” we often recreate them in our adult lives—without realising it.

If you grew up in a family where love felt inconsistent, you may unconsciously gravitate toward partners who are unpredictable. If you were taught to keep the peace at all costs, you might suppress your needs, over-function in relationships, and measure your worth by how much you please others.

Lael notes one of the most common patterns she sees, particularly in women, is the “good girl” imprint:

I’m only lovable if everyone approves of me.

This can lead to:

• Poor boundaries

• Chronic self-abandonment

• Feeling responsible for everyone else’s emotions

• Difficulty tolerating others’ discomfort

The Roles We Learn as Children

In family systems, children often take on roles to maintain balance—like the peacemaker, the fixer, or the caretaker. While these roles may have helped us cope in childhood, they can become exhausting patterns in adulthood.

For example:

• The peacemaker might avoid necessary conflict, fearing rejection.

• The fixer might choose partners with unresolved wounds, believing they can “save” them.

• The caretaker may feel guilty prioritising their own needs.

These roles often attract their “counterparts”—partners whose wounds match our own—creating familiar but unhealthy dynamics.

Recognising the Inner Child at Play

One powerful question Lael uses is:
“How old am I right now?”

When we’re triggered, we’re often reacting from a younger part of ourselves. Recognising when a five-year-old, a hurt teenager, or a scared child is “driving the bus” can be a turning point. That awareness creates space to respond from our grounded, adult self instead of replaying old scripts.

Changing the Story

Awareness is the first step. Once we identify an imprint, we can ask:

• Is this story true?

• Is it serving me?

• What new story do I want to live by?

From there, we start looking for evidence that supports the new story—no matter how small. For instance, if your old imprint is “I don’t matter,” you might begin collecting moments, however subtle, where you feel seen and valued. Over time, this rewires your emotional expectations.

Boundaries, Repair, and Emotional Safety

Rewriting our imprints isn’t just internal—it transforms how we show up in relationships. Key skills include:

• Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries without guilt

• Recognising what’s yours to carry and what isn’t

• Learning to repair after conflict instead of avoiding or escalating

• Expanding emotional literacy so feelings are acknowledged, not suppressed

Lael reminds us that we often parent, partner, and live at a level of emotional awareness that was never modelled for us. It’s normal for this to feel clunky at first. But with practice, it becomes embodied—and it changes everything.

Self-Compassion Is Essential

Doing this work takes courage. It’s messy, humbling, and uncomfortable at times. But as Lael says, “You never regret doing the work.” Approaching ourselves with compassion—rather than shame—keeps us open to growth. That compassion also extends to others, allowing for deeper, more authentic connection.

The Ripple Effect

When we own our story and begin healing our imprints, it doesn’t just change us—it impacts our partners, children, and communities. As Lael beautifully puts it, one of the greatest gifts you can give the next generation is to know your own story so you don’t unconsciously hand it to them.

Final Thought

Your early imprints aren’t life sentences—they’re starting points. By becoming aware of the patterns you inherited, you create the possibility of writing a new story—one rooted in self-worth, conscious choice, and relationships that feel safe, reciprocal, and aligned.

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FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

• FREE TRAINING: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love

• Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
  

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Episode Transcript

Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:

You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Foreign welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a really special one because it is the first guest interview that I have done in a really long time. Well over a year, since before I had my baby. And I'm so excited to introduce my guest for today's episode, Lael Stone. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure. Lael is an educator, speaker and author and her work focuses on helping parents and families build relationships led by curiosity, compassion, connection and deep emotional awareness.

Stephanie Rigg [00:01:00]:

In our conversation today, we explore the themes of Lael's new book, Own youn Story, and specifically look at how our early imprints, especially those shaped by our family systems, influence the way that we move through the world. We talk about the unconscious stories that we carry about ourselves, other people and relationships and how by bringing more awareness to those stories, we can begin to ask, are these stories really mine? Are they really serving me? And if not, how might I write a new story, one that's more aligned with what I truly desire for myself, for my life and my relationships? I absolutely love this conversation with Lael and I have no doubt that you're going to love it too, and I'm so excited to share it with you. So let's dive in. Lael, thank you so much for joining me. It is so, so wonderful to have you here.

Lael Stone [00:01:47]:

I'm so happy to be here.

Stephanie Rigg [00:01:49]:

So, you know, funny story, when I first discovered you, which was a couple of years ago, it was on another podcast and we listening to it in the car on a long drive somewhere and we were listening and I said to Joel, I was like, I really, I really like her. I like how she speaks and teaches about these things. And Joel looks at me and he's like, she sounds exactly like you. And I was like, right, it's just me being kind of narcissistic without realising it. But funny story aside, I think it's because there is a lot of similarity in the way that we think about things and teach about things. There's a lot of synchronicities there. So I have no doubt that all of the wisdom that you are going to share today is going to be hugely resonant and valuable for everyone listening. And I'll also add that I have had the great pleasure of being in a mentorship with you for the last four months and it's sort of halfway through.

Stephanie Rigg [00:02:39]:

And so I've had the great fortune of learning from Lael and soaking up her wisdom for four hours a week every week for the last four months. So I'm in deep in Lael's world. And you've got a new book coming out which is super exciting. Maybe you can give everyone a bit of an introduction to you and the work that you do and particularly in the context of the new book.

Lael Stone [00:03:01]:

Yeah, beautiful. Thanks, Steph. Oh, well, I'm so happy to be here. And, you know, I. I so value the work that you do. I think the work you do is so important and powerful and even in the mentorship, I feel like going, steph, what do you think about that?

Stephanie Rigg [00:03:15]:

Because such wisdom.

Lael Stone [00:03:18]:

Um, so I've really. I. I often talk about. I've been working with families for close to well over 20 years now. So I started actually as a childbirth educator. So I was really working in the beginning parts of that first early relationship and stepping into to parenthood. So I was a doula. I also, you know, taught childbirth education and then did a lot of postnatal trauma counselling.

Lael Stone [00:03:38]:

So I was really working with people who were having tricky starts to that journey of family life. And then that moved into working with parenting a lot more. I was working with something called Aware parenting for a long, which was really about how do we help children and, you know, families heal from trauma, but also how do we stay attuned and connected, you know, how do we raise our kids in a way where they're not necessarily going to need to have therapy when they get older? I mean, I love therapy, so I think it's beneficial no matter what. But, you know, how can we minimise the stresses, you know, on our beautiful kids? And then. And then that as my kids grew, you know, then I ended up teaching sex ed to teenagers for about five years, which was amazing. So I got to work in that teenage space, which is that foundation often for first relationships, those kind of things. I really loved working in that place with them. And then I had the opportunity to build my own school.

Lael Stone [00:04:27]:

So I created a school five years ago, which is called Woodline Primary, which is just out of Geelong down here in Victoria. And it's a school that's really based on emotional awareness, trauma informed practises, really, about how do we help children to be the best versions of themselves, you know, and really, I guess, bumping up against the system a little bit to look at what's working and what's not and how can we create, you know, a love of learning for kids and really work towards helping them learn in ways that really make sense to them. So I did that, and my first book is called Raising Resilient, Compassionate Children. And that one was really just about lots of tools and beautiful ways to meet kids and how to, you know, turn up for them. And this new book that I've got is called Own youn Story, which is actually. It's not a parenting book, it's for anybody, but it really is about the imprints that we receive when we are children and how that impacts who we are in the world. And so I often explain that we have imprints on everything, and some of them are amazing and some of them don't work for us. And much like what you talk about with attachment stuff, you know, these imprints are kind of.

Lael Stone [00:05:30]:

They're almost just like another layer. On top of that, when we grow up in a family and what we watch, particularly if we look through the lens of relationship, we look at what was modelled to us as a child as what a relationship is. So if we grew up in a family where the way people communicate is by yelling at each other, you know, we're really passionate and we. We want someone to understand something, so we yell, then we. We take on an imprint that the way to communicate is by yelling at each other. Or, you know, if we're in a family where all of a sudden something big happens and everyone just kind of turns the other way or they don't talk about it, we just push it under the rug. Then we can take on an imprint that, you know, when bad stuff happens, you just don't talk about it. You just lock us in.

Lael Stone [00:06:07]:

And we have imprints on everything. We have amazing imprints. You know, you may have grown up in a family where, you know, you watch your parents be really tender and kind to each other, and that's a beautiful thing, and that's how you view relationship. Perhaps you grew up in an environment where the family really celebrated helping others and. And that became part of your story, that it's a really beautiful thing to, you know, work with charity or to. To give to others, and that's a very fulfilling thing. And that could be a beautiful imprint you have. So we have imprints around everything from money, sex, success, intimacy, food, everything, right? And really often what happens is that we.

Lael Stone [00:06:42]:

We are very unaware of what these imprints do and how they shape Our lives. And so it's often only when we get to tricky situations in life, whether that's trying to find a partner, whether it's parenting, whether it is, you know, bumping up against a colleague at work, it's usually when those tricky situations start to happen that we begin to question, well, why does this keep happening and where am I at in this story? And that's where this book comes in to go. Well, let's look at your past firstly to see, you know, what foundation was laid for you. And then we can look towards the future of, well, what do you want and what do we have to unpack or untangle in order for you to be able to achieve what you. What you want to achieve?

Stephanie Rigg [00:07:20]:

Yes. Beautiful. And I think so much of that is like, what we've experienced shapes. It provides the blueprint, right. Of what we come to expect. So, as you say, it's like if I relate to that as being normal and I have these expectations that love and connection looks and feels a certain way, then I don't have maybe a reference point to go if I'm in a not so healthy relationship later in life. It's like, well, yeah, that's, that's all I've ever known. That's.

Stephanie Rigg [00:07:49]:

That's all I've ever come to expect from relationships. And maybe I don't really deeply believe that anything else is possible. And so that then kind of creates the ceiling on what we might reach for, what we might try and create for ourselves. And I think that can really be a very real constraint on our reality. And it can feel so true. Right, that, like, well, that's, that's the limit.

Lael Stone [00:08:11]:

Yeah.

Stephanie Rigg [00:08:11]:

Because I've never seen anything else. I don't have evidence of another way.

Lael Stone [00:08:14]:

Yeah, absolutely. I have a client who, you know, struggles in relationship and when we were talking a little bit about the imprinting, and the imprinting was very much, there was infidelity in her family growing up and the women in the family just put up with it, you know, so they don't actually speak what's going on. And the words that came out of her mouth was something along the lines of just, you know, all men are bad, like, all men are hopeless. Right. And I was like, ah, who, who also has said that? She goes, my mum says that, my grandmother says that, my auntie says that, you know, and we were really just beginning to unpack. Can you see, you know, that that is the story and the belief system that sits there around all men are hopeless. And that's the lens we look through. So of course we move out into the world and we're just constantly going, well, you're going to let me down and you're going to let me down and you're hopeless.

Lael Stone [00:09:01]:

And really a lot of what we talked about was reframing that there's a lot of really wonderful humans out there and what does a healthy relationship look like? And I think you're so right on that, Stephanie, that a lot of people don't actually realise what's unhealthy and what's healthy. And they don't, you know, and that is something, you know, sometimes when I'm working with people, when they're telling me about stuff that's going on, I'm like, okay, this is how I would view a healthy response to that would be, you know, what else are you seeing there? And I think because we live in a world where the majority of people don't want to own their stuff and they don't want to take responsibility for their feelings, we're much more comfortable projecting it onto everyone else. I think we've got a pretty warped view of what relationship actually looks like.

Stephanie Rigg [00:09:45]:

Yes. And I think it goes a few ways, right? Like we either something I see a lot is people who have the pattern of making everything a them problem. And so they'll tell me about a situation, I'm like. And they're like, yeah. So I've just got to stop being so sensitive. I'm like, whoa. But maybe actually the way you're feeling is a very, very natural and wise response to what's going on. And there's stuff that needs to change out there because like, that's not okay.

Stephanie Rigg [00:10:13]:

And again, it's holding up that mirror of maybe if you've never experienced healthy, then things that are so, like wildly outside of what, you know, we would want to have in our relationships just become part of the course and we make it. I just have to stop being so sensitive problem. Or it's the other way and it's just like blame and control and projection and, you know, you can't treat me like this. But then we maybe don't have the real embodied self respect to stand in that and say, like, well, and I am not going to let that happen because I'm not going to stick around for mistreatment or things that feel really unsatisfactory. But I think they can be just different branches off the same tree, which is like, I don't know how to be in a healthy kind of balanced, reciprocal relationship where I actually feel Safe in myself and safe in connection with you. Because for so many of us, it was only ever one or the other.

Lael Stone [00:11:07]:

Absolutely. And I think also, too, like, you know what? I see a lot in my work, particularly because I've worked with parents for a long time, is so often how we responded to when we were children with our parents will turn up in the relationships that we create or that we lean towards, because we're doing a lot of healing work around the places we were never met, the wounds that we still carry. And we kind of choose a partner, I often believe, based on, hey, your wounds match my wounds. Let's get together and let's play it out. And then that's often what happens, is we're working through a lot of our kind of inner child stuff of places where we didn't get met through our current relationship. And you're exactly right. We either then carry the burden, oh, it's me, and, you know, I shouldn't be like this, or we just move into deep projection and blame of everyone else. And you're right.

Lael Stone [00:11:59]:

And there's a balance between being able to go, what's actually healthy here and what's mine and what's not, and how can I take responsibility for my feelings and what is sitting here for me so I can transform it and heal whatever's possible so that we can move forward.

Stephanie Rigg [00:12:14]:

Yes. So I wonder if, you know, given the focus of my work is more around relationships, what would you say are some of the more common stories and imprints that you see people bringing into relationships? How they show up, how they play out, where they maybe come from. And then, like, what does it look like to start shifting those things, particularly when they feel, like, so blended with who you are that it's like, this isn't a story. This is my identity. Because I think that that can be true.

Lael Stone [00:12:45]:

Right.

Stephanie Rigg [00:12:45]:

It's not just like, oh, it's a little thought loop I get in. It's like, this has been my whole life. So it's really hard to believe that that's, you know, that that's maybe not the truth.

Lael Stone [00:12:55]:

Yes. Yes. I think the biggest one, probably because I work with women most of the time, is so many women carry this good girl story with them. So, you know, and this makes a lot of sense when we look back and think in our culture and the world we grow up in, particularly for girls, you know, there is this. This kind of unconscious imprint that we often take on that we must be good girls all the time. So in order to get love, we must Be good. And this kind of, you know, steps back into the whole behaviourism paradigm which is very much about when you're good I'll reward you and when you're bad I'll take something away. And that's how our world has operated for a pretty long time when it comes to something like parenting.

Lael Stone [00:13:36]:

It's how our school systems operate, all that kind of stuff. I reward you when you're good and when you're bad, I'm going to turn away from you or I'm going to make you feel even worse in order for you to do better. So as little girls and I'll talk mainly about females for a moment, we take on a very strong good girl story which means I'm only lovable if everybody likes me. And so we spend a lot of our time trying to assess, attune, sort out whenever we walk into a room, you know, who's unhappy, what can I do to make it better? So right from the very beginning a lot of women I work with have really crappy boundaries. So they don't know how to say yes or no. Their self care is pretty rubbish because their whole identity is and I need to keep everybody else happy. And so then when we are playing the good girl role, you know, we are outsourcing our self worth in a really huge way. And so therefore when we put it through, you know, the, the lens of relationship, often we can then move into relationship where we're still playing that good girl role.

Lael Stone [00:14:33]:

So you know, am I beautiful enough? You know, am I pleasing my partner enough? You know, we are often bending and abandoning ourselves in order to feel like we belong. So again, I know there's other lenses that can come through that. Whether we had good imprinting around, you know, having our own boundaries and our sense of self worth or you know, there's, there's different layers to it. But what I see is very much that good girl imprint that says, you know, I'm only lovable when everybody's approving of me. And so in relationship that can be really, really tricky because we get into relationship and then if our partner's angry or upset about something, we'll often make it about ourselves and be like, oh, I need to keep them happy or how should I bend to make this okay? We're often deeply uncomfortable with other people being uncomfortable. So we jump into fix, we jump in to try and make it okay. And you know, at the end of the day it often is never okay because we spend a lot of our time trying to make it all all right, for everybody. And in the process, we often abandon ourselves.

Lael Stone [00:15:32]:

And so then, you know, we might get sick or we might get, you know, frustrated. I mean, I see it a lot when we talk about self care and the relationship as we have as women around how we take care of our needs, how we take care of our bodies. And when I say to women all the time, what was your imprint around self care? What did you watch the women in your life do? Did you watch them, you know, meet their needs emotionally? Did they take time to kind of fill up their cup? You know, what did the women in your life do? And everybody laughs and goes, they did nothing. Maybe they played tennis on Tuesdays, but that was pretty much it, right? But basically the whole thing was, I have to serve everybody else. And then they'd reach a tipping point where they'd get kind of angry and then they'd get passive aggressive. And then you knew if it had gone too far and they'd blow up and then it would just kind of reset again and it was all about everyone else's needs. And so then this next kind of woman that comes through, and particularly when we become mothers, you know, we, we have this really crappy imprint around self care so that when it comes to taking care of ourselves, often guilt pops up. I shouldn't be doing this.

Lael Stone [00:16:34]:

Because what a woman does is take care of everyone else. And if you sit down, then you're lazy. Or we, you know, we have a story that, that basically just says, you know, it's selfish to take care of your needs because that's what, that's what I watch. So there's so many layers that we bring to these relationships. And you know, particularly because I work with parenting, I often see it with mothers when they're young mums and they've got little kids and if their relationship to self care is pretty screwed up, then they'll just kind of keep on giving to their kids. But often they're not meeting their own needs. And then what they do is then they'll often take it out on their partner and then their partner, you know, pushes back with whatever their story is and it just becomes this game of who's doing it tougher and no one's getting their needs met. And we can just see that so many of the stories that have been passed down through generations continue on.

Lael Stone [00:17:21]:

So, you know that that good girl piece is a really huge one. And I think it's one of the first things we, that I often look at when I work with women is what is Our relationship to our yeses and no's, where's our, where are our boundaries? How do we feel about taking care of ourself and what was modelled to us around being a woman and being in her relationships. And so I think that you know, that is a big one to kind of lean into and take a look at and equally can be the same for men. I mean it doesn't matter what, what sex relationship you have. It's you know, what we identify with and what we have witnessed in our family of origin. And even though sometimes we can say I'm never going to do it like my parents did, we can often swing too far in the other direction to overcompensate. So sometimes that happens or we just unconsciously continue the pattern without even realising. So I think for me that the biggest one I see is women losing their own sense of centre in order to take care of everybody else and also to carry the burden for everybody.

Lael Stone [00:18:20]:

Give it to me, I'll carry it, you know, I'll take care of it, you know. And that is a pretty strong pattern that we do in many relationships.

Stephanie Rigg [00:18:28]:

Yes to all of that I can see for me like there's a big. For some reason, I don't know why it feels like an aberration because like I fit so much of that except for the self care. I've always been free like lavish in myself. I'll clock that as one win which is certainly not modelling my mom who is not that way. You'll probably listen to this mum, I love you, don't feel guilty. But certainly that sense of it is my responsibility to manage the temperature of my surroundings and to as you say, monitor and assess and like oh, there's a slight shift over there and who, who needs my care and attention and that so naturally takes us away from our own centre.

Lael Stone [00:19:11]:

Right?

Stephanie Rigg [00:19:12]:

It's just like that's not where the focus is anymore. The focus is out there. And this very strong thing of like if I can control all of the conditions that surround my life and relationships then everything will be okay. People will approve of me, people will find me valuable, people will, you know, like that becomes part of our identity is just like. And for me it was very much almost I think like another piece in that family system is the role that we can take in amongst the other puzzle pieces. Right. In a family system. And so for me it was like my mum and my sister are always clashed, particularly in their teen years.

Stephanie Rigg [00:19:50]:

And so I sort of slotted in as like the peacemaker and the you know, the go between and I would, you know, they'd have an argument over the dinner table and one or both of them would storm off to different parts of the house and then I'd sort of like quietly go to each of them in turn and mediate as a 12 year old or something. And that was the thing. There was no way in all of that that I was going to add to the stress in an already stressed out system. And so I developed this real piece of, I'll just be fine, don't worry about me, I've got that. But like, let's make sure you're okay and you're okay and we can bring everything back to sort of calm seas. And you know that that is like, that takes shape and then you get really good at that, right?

Lael Stone [00:20:40]:

You do that triangulation what you're talking about. I mean, I've been very good at that most of my life as well. I've got a bit of a PhD in that. Not anymore, I will say I've learned to put that down. But you're so right when you're an empathetic being and you're also acutely aware of what's going on, you know, we, we're always coming from a place of protection. How do I keep myself safe here? How do I keep everything safe? So that's where we often will move into that caretaker role. And really, in an ideal situation, probably what was needed was for your mom to be able to say, hey, I'm feeling really activated. I can own this.

Lael Stone [00:21:16]:

Your sister owned her feelings and it wasn't yours to carry in the middle yet. When we take on those roles as kids, you know, we then often continue it in other aspects of our life as well. We can do it in business. We can be the person that people come to and kind of whisper all the things that are going on and we kind of appease them and then we kind of take a little bit of that information to somewhere else and help them kind of, you know, soften a bit around it as well. And we act as this kind of go between because the two people on the sides, you know, probably aren't ready to actually speak the truth that they need to. And so they're like, oh, don't worry, Stephanie will hold it, you know, we'll give it to her. And, and we can be very good at it. We can also create an identity around that, you know, of.

Lael Stone [00:21:56]:

I am a great helper, I can fix you. But part of the challenge in that is going, that's Actually not mine to hold, you know, and, and, and when, as you say, when it's something that we do from a very early age, it becomes this ingrained identity and it can feel very foreign to put it down. It can feel uncomfortable actually to be like, actually that's not my role. And, and, and that, I mean that is just one of many roles that we can take on board as children and then turns up in our adult relationships and not just in our intimate relationships, but in work, in friendships, in all those kind of things.

Stephanie Rigg [00:22:31]:

Yes, yeah. And it, I think we, as you say, like, we can have these really almost like a magnetic pull to people who have that. The, like the matching wound or the. Stan Tatkin came on the podcast a couple years ago and he said like the bite fits the wound. And I think that's so often true, it's like click right into place. Hello.

Lael Stone [00:22:53]:

Hello.

Stephanie Rigg [00:22:53]:

Person who completely like, you know, triggers the exact thing that my system goes like ding. Without realising it. I am well adapted to be in relationship with you because I've spent a lot of time being around people who are challenge me in the ways that you challenge me. And so without going out seeking someone who's going to trigger the hell out of us, it's like here I am drawn to this person. And I think particularly when you have that rescuer, caretaker thing, you can have such a story, particularly when it's coupled with low self worth, which I think it often is. If I can transform you, save you, rescue you, redeem you, then, you know, turn this into a happy ending, like won't that be great? Won't that also redeem me in my own eyes? If I can make you be a certain way or show up differently and gosh, we can really like just lose ourselves in that process because again, it's like, how do I make you be other than as you are, just like being total resistance to reality and we can get very almost self centred around it. Like I have to be the perfect partner that you want to change for. And to the extent that you then don't show up the way I want you to, then it must be that I'm not doing enough or I need to be different.

Stephanie Rigg [00:24:14]:

And like, isn't that a rabbit hole?

Lael Stone [00:24:16]:

Yeah. I mean the stories we tell ourselves are wild, right? I mean, and, and again I come back to this. Particularly in relationships, we will so often play out what is unfinished from our childhoods. And we see this often with women who are still looking for approval, you know, so they, let's just say they, they find a partner, a man or something like that, and whenever their man gets angry or something happens, you know, they collapse into the little girl part of them that can't actually say, hey, no, that's not okay to do that. You know, they become, you know, they might cry really easily. They just collapse out of this whole, it's not okay for me to have a boundary. And equally, probably one of the biggest dynamics that I often see a lot of is then we see often for men playing out the unconscious wound of criticism. So when their partner says, you know, can you please pack the dishwasher this way? Or, you know, why didn't you pick up the milk? Or, you know, can you please change the baby's nappy this way? Or something like that, they take any little thing that their partner says as criticism and then fly off the handle.

Lael Stone [00:25:17]:

And a lot of the time, that is the young little boy in them that is being activated into that deeper wound around, you know, not being good enough or not getting it right. And that's one that I say a lot of people and usually, I mean, I come back when I say to people, if you want to know where your stuff is, just watch where you get reactive, right. Whenever you lose it because someone looks at you a certain way or they make a little comment, if your reaction is big, then we can guarantee that there's probably some wounding there in that inner child in you is alive and well and reacting to this situation. And we come to relationship to heal. You know, I really do believe we choose each other because we're like, right, we're going to heal through these big stories. And, you know, I even know I've been with my husband for like 27 years now. And you know, in the early days, this, that is exactly the dynamic that played out. I was kind of the helpless little girl.

Lael Stone [00:26:09]:

So if he was upset, I wasn't okay, right. And I would just collapse. And I didn't know how to be in my centre amongst his upset. So if ever he was angry or upset, I would just, you know, flitter around trying to make it okay all the time. And yeah, and I'm like. And it was, it was, it wasn't good and it definitely wasn't sexy, right? Because what was happening firstly is he was not being responsible for his anger. And also I was just collapsing into, oh, God, my whole fix and make it okay. Yeah, be the good girl.

Lael Stone [00:26:38]:

Until I realised actually this doesn't serve either of us. And, you know, he was just bringing his imprint around. You just get angry, projected onto everyone else, and then you move on, right? You don't take any accountability for it, which was what was modelled in his family. And so as we started to do some work, I really had to work on it is not my job to keep you happy, and it is not my job to keep it. Okay? And I had to find my own centre in my own strength, you know, I had to save myself, not somebody else. And so I really had to kind of keep working on. If he is angry, that's okay, you know? And I would say to him, I can see that you're really angry. I'm not taking that on board, though.

Lael Stone [00:27:14]:

I'm just gonna keep continuing how we are. And when I started to be able to stand in my centre with it, you know, it's like I handed it back to him. He had to deal with it. And I would say to him, you are allowed to be angry. It's just not okay to project it over everyone else in the family. That's not cool, right? It's exactly what his dad did. But here's the thing. And he was like, oh, okay, I can start to take accountability for this.

Lael Stone [00:27:35]:

And then as our children grew, you know, we would empower our children to say, if you see mum or dad acting out of integrity or not, from their heart, we give you full permission to call us out on it. And my beautiful son, I remember when he was like 9 or 10, and my husband was angry about something, and my son just looked at him and said, you sound exactly like papa, like his dad. And that just stopped my husband in his tracks. He was like, oh, my God. And I was like, this is good. And they would do the same to me. They're like, you're over fixing. My job was to go into.

Lael Stone [00:28:03]:

Over fixing. Mike's job was about just getting angry. And it was such a beautiful invitation for both of us to own our stuff and to be like, okay, what crap are we bringing here? That is leftover stuff from our childhood. And what would healthy look like in these situations? And so it really was being both able to own what was present for us and what was there that we actually were then able to move forward so that even now, you know, if. If he gets angry or I get angry, we're able to stand in our centre and go, you're mad? Yeah. Tell me more, like, what else is going on here? And our ability is now to own what is present for us, not make it about somebody else. And I think that that is. It's.

Lael Stone [00:28:42]:

It takes practise it's not something we are taught, you know, it is something that takes a lot of practise and being able to be, I think, attuned enough to ourselves to realise what is present for us.

Stephanie Rigg [00:28:54]:

Yes. And I think we have to remind those parts of us, the younger parts that immediately want to rush to those old roles. It's like this is a relationship among equals. It's not a parent child, you know, like I'm not in that role and being able to stand in that place. And I think, you know, what I heard in that is so much of. And what I've had to deal with in my own relationships, what I see all the time is until we own our part. And it's so easy to say, like, what, so you're saying I should just. Why don't they have to? It's like, yeah, all of that and.

Lael Stone [00:29:28]:

And yes, all very real.

Stephanie Rigg [00:29:30]:

And until I clean up my side of the street, I just won't know. I just won't know.

Lael Stone [00:29:35]:

Oh, I love that you say that.

Stephanie Rigg [00:29:36]:

Yes. When I pull back on the over functioning and like, let some balls drop and let someone experience consequences, who knows what the ripple effect of that might be. But until I'm like willing to go first, I'm kind of cutting off my nose to spite my face by, by saying like, well, I'm not gonna, I shouldn't have to be the one to doing the work. Yeah, yeah.

Lael Stone [00:29:55]:

Like, so that is another very common theme I hear of. He's like, well, why doesn't he have to do it? And I'm like, you're not responsible for him, you're only responsible for you. And, and I really do believe the more that we grow and evolve and do our own work, you know, it's, it's an invitation for our partners to do it as well. And sometimes they will lift and they will do the work and other times they won't. And it often becomes very clear whether we're actually a match or not. And that's painful because we don't want to feel that. But we cannot keep ourselves small in order to keep someone else safe. We just can't because it turns up in our world in ways that are not healthy.

Lael Stone [00:30:32]:

You know, we might get sick, you know, we, we, we end up being quite destructive in our lives. You know, we, our job and is to tune into ourselves. And what do I need to, to heal for me here? I mean, I think coming back to the. When we're activated with our partners, you know, one of the things that I often say is that can stop us in our tracks in that moment is to ask ourselves, how old am I right now? Because I think that is a really great pattern interrupt to be like, am I acting like an embodied adult right now? Or am I acting like a five year old who's just really, you know, having a beautiful meltdown because things aren't the way I want? And that question, I think, is a good one and one I've asked myself many times over the years when I'm having a reaction and I'm like, I can feel that this is teenage me. Oh, my God, I'm wanting to pick a fight with you. I'm wanting to make you wrong. I am outraged. Like, you know, I know when it's there.

Lael Stone [00:31:21]:

Or I can feel that there's a little vulnerable four year old in me going, I feel really scared about this. And so I think it's a beautiful practise to get into to be like, who's here right now? Because when we are the embodied adult, we are able to stay calm, we're able to have a conversation, we can have, you know, more insight into what's going on. But when those younger parts of us are being activated, then it's on. It's on. And one of the best things we can do is to acknowledge at first, oof, I'm having a reaction. I'm feeling like a ragey teenager. All right, I need to take a step back for a moment instead of acting on this. And that's where we can do some journaling, we can voice note a friend, we can go for a walk and sit with it and just really go, what is the feeling that is going on for me here? Where do I know this from? You know, what is being activated within me? And I think in those reflections we usually get to what's underneath, sitting underneath the surface.

Lael Stone [00:32:14]:

And that's the work, that's the gold. And when we can own it, we can transform it. That is when we keep moving more towards having healthy relationships.

Stephanie Rigg [00:32:23]:

Yeah, absolutely. That. How old am I? Like, what am I bringing to this moment? Like, what am I responding to right now that maybe isn't actually in the right here and now? Like, what's. What am I bringing to the room that's not really here? Yeah, all of those things. Because it's never about the thing that it's about. It's never about the thing. Your partner's looking at their phone and not looking at you when you're trying to talk to them. And it's like you piece of shit like it is on.

Stephanie Rigg [00:32:49]:

But it's not just that, right? It's like, I'm not important to you. Tell me. Yes, tell me that I matter. And when have I felt like I. There wasn't space for me or I wasn't important before? Because it's. It's not just them being on their phone and being distracted. Right?

Lael Stone [00:33:02]:

And that's such a beautiful point you bring up there. Like, which kind of comes back to the imprint stuff, right? If we. If we have an imprint or a belief system that says I don't matter, we are constantly going to look for evidence that that's true, right? So every time a partner looks at the phone that, you know, we're going to be like, well, if I really mattered, you'd look at me. Whereas somebody else who doesn't have that story, they're like, oh, they're looking at their phone. That's fine. Like we, you know, neutral. Yeah, totally. That's the piece where I think it is so important for us to.

Lael Stone [00:33:30]:

To be curious about our stories and the places we sit, because we are often looking through that lens. You know, that is what we are making life mean. That is the evidence that we continue to look for. And the beautiful thing about this work and this, you know, deep inner work is that we can change those stories. You know, they're. And they're just stories. I mean, here's the thing. A lot of the time, our imprints and stories that we believe to be true aren't actually even real.

Lael Stone [00:33:53]:

You know, they're. They're what we make up at the time to protect ourselves or our perception of it. And it doesn't matter necessarily if it's real or not. It's how we feel about it. And I guess the piece is really about what am I making this mean in this moment. So if my story is around that I don't matter and I'm not important if I constantly keep looking through that lens for. In.

Stephanie Rigg [00:34:14]:

Sorry.

Lael Stone [00:34:15]:

For evidence that that's true. Well, that's what I'm going to keep being drawn to. Whereas where we begin to do the work and change it is starting with, yeah, I have a story because of A, B, C, D that says this. And what do I now want that story to be? Well, I want the story to be where I feel seen and valued. That is. That is what I want this imprint to now look like. I am so willing to feel seen and valued in my life. So I'm going to keep affirming that I'm going to just Keep.

Lael Stone [00:34:42]:

I'm going to invite that in each day and I'm going to look for the tiniest shreds of evidence that that could be true and that could be that someone, a work colleague, sends you an email just saying, thank you so much for your help. I really valued what you did. And you're like, oh, they valued what I did and valued evidence. Okay. Or someone is extra kind to you on the street, you know, a stranger, and you're just like, oh, my God, they really saw me. Then we. We are so conditioned to look towards what is negative and what is hard, you know, because that's what most of us were modelled. Whereas when we can begin to shift our focus a little bit and look for the evidence of what we're wanting to bring in, that's where we begin to shift and change those patterns.

Lael Stone [00:35:20]:

And, you know, that's where I think we can make massive leaps in our growth and development. But also in relationships, when we begin to own our part of the story, instead of being that victim that says it's not fair and people always treat me this way and I can never find this. When we begin to own our story and we begin to take responsibility for it, you know, everything is possible. I really believe that everything is possible. It exists for us. We sometimes just have to unpack it all to. To think about what we're actually broadcasting out there.

Stephanie Rigg [00:35:52]:

Yes.

Lael Stone [00:35:53]:

Yeah.

Stephanie Rigg [00:35:54]:

And I think that, you know, I. I can almost hear people saying, like, wait, so if, you know, does that mean I just have to let my partner do whatever? Because it's all. No, I. What I think's really important to understand the nuance is like, when we take the charge out of the story and we can disentangle it a bit and take responsibility for. Creates the space for us to then have conversations around a need or a boundary or whatever. So it doesn't mean that, like, okay, my partner is being, you know, really reactive and yelling, and I know that's not about me, so I'll just be fine with it. I think that's the overcorrection, right? That is the part where we swing to, well, I just have to change my response to everything. It's more just like when I can step out of my habituated, conditioned role that's coming from this old story that feels heavy and not something I want to carry anymore.

Stephanie Rigg [00:36:41]:

It frees up so much space and energy and clarity to go, well, what does this actually need to look like? And how can I advocate for that from a place that's really centred Rather than either controlling place or a desperate place or a helpless victimy place. Because I think when we're coming from like with the burdens of the past, it's always going to come with that energy that is not clear, empowered adult self.

Lael Stone [00:37:06]:

Yep. And I love the point that you bring up that it is very nuanced and I'm glad that you spoke that because it isn't about just letting people do whatever it is. We have to have our boundaries and we have to say that's actually a non negotiable for me or that doesn't feel good for me. I'm owning my part in this and this is what I'm stating of what I want moving forward. How do we meet there? But one of the biggest challenges, which I'm sure you work with a lot, is when one partner is willing to do the work and the other is not. And then that can get very, very sticky. You know, when we're trying to move forward or we're trying to work with stuff that keeps turning up. If one partner isn't willing to kind of own their piece in it and they're about the projecting or they're about, you just need to do this and then it'll be okay.

Lael Stone [00:37:49]:

It's a very tricky place to sit in and we can't make our partners do the work. Like as much as I love our parents to do the work or our partners, we can't make anyone do the work. All we can do is do our own work. And I think the more we can keep tuning back into staying connected to ourselves, to being able to see, you know, what is bringing what is coming up for me here, what do I need to own in this story? And then moving forward, what do I want this to look like and what do I need to speak within? This is a really, really important thing. And it's really very, again, a very, very tricky because we're often trying to relate to people in a way that wasn't modelled to us. And I think that's the thing that's really, really hard. I say this to parents all the time. You are trying to parent with a level of consciousness that wasn't shown to you.

Lael Stone [00:38:34]:

And that's tricky because it's not, it's not embodied in our bodies. We don't know what it feels like to be met with empathy and compassion. You know, we don't necessarily have a visceral feeling and understanding of it. So when we are the first generation that is trying to behave or respond in these ways with A level of consciousness, it's clunky and it feels really hard. But the more we are able to do that, the more we practise it, the more it becomes embodied. That's when we see the ripple effect, at least. We just had this experience a few days ago. My 22 year old had a disagreement with her boyfriend and she rang me and she's like, oof, mum, he's really upset.

Lael Stone [00:39:12]:

I'm feeling really upset. I can feel myself collapsing. Um, even the words she was using was really interesting. She wasn't making him wrong. And she's like, what do I need to do here? Like, what can I say? And I was like, well, what do you think's happening for him? And she's like, well, I think that's triggered and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, what's happening for you? And she's like, I'm watching myself, want to move in to fix it, but I know that's not okay. So, you know, I'm trying to find my centre here. And so we just talk through, well, what's some things you can do where you can have a conversation to say, I really hear you, I can see your anger and upset.

Lael Stone [00:39:42]:

Um, you know, and. And then they kind of just played out what they needed to with a different level of consciousness that there is no way I had when I was 22. I was just. And then they came through the other side so beautifully, navigating this conflict with such beautiful repair to help them, you know, be a lot stronger. And their ability to communicate and talk about what was there for them, what they were projecting, what they were owning. I was like, this is amazing, this is so powerful. But that feels a lot easier for them because they've kind of watched that, but also because they've got more of an emotional literacy to be able to go, oh, there's something here. How do I navigate this in the way instead of blowing it up, making a person wrong or, you know, turning around and just, you know, completely shutting them out, I was really like, wow, this is amazing.

Lael Stone [00:40:29]:

We can see the impact that it has when we practise this when we do it on the next generation.

Stephanie Rigg [00:40:35]:

Amazing.

Lael Stone [00:40:36]:

Yeah.

Stephanie Rigg [00:40:36]:

And I think you're so right, particularly that sort of bridging the gap from learning it and then putting it into practise and then when there's stress. So it's like, yeah, on a great day it's easy to be regulated and do the conscious communication, your relationships or the certain style of parenting. But it's when we're frayed at the edges. It's when the bucket's dry that, like, that's when it's really hard. And it is and it will be. And I think that's why repair is such an important and maybe like, under emphasised piece of all of this. It's not about doing it perfectly on the first run, but it's having the tools and the courage, frankly, because it takes courage to repair and to be the one to lead it to circle back around and go like, hey, I blew up, or I projected, or that wasn't fair, or I did that thing that I do where I, you know, hovered around you in a bad mood and tried to, like, control and fix it. And I know that, that you hate that.

Stephanie Rigg [00:41:33]:

And I know that where that leads us. I'm sorry that I did that. Yeah, I love that.

Lael Stone [00:41:38]:

Because we have to give ourselves some grace, right? We have to give ourselves so much compassion and grace for our humanness. Because our reactions are often, you know, they're. They're our bodies going, hey, this could be dangerous right now. Or there's something going on that's really scary. Like, we respond in a way that's not wrong. We're responding from this alarm system in our body that says, there's danger, danger, and you need to protect yourself at all costs. And so our reactions and responses are not bad. Our growth comes from when we're able to identify them, catch them and then not act on them.

Lael Stone [00:42:10]:

You know, that's really what we want to be able to do. And I absolutely admit, like, I am. I am 50 years old. It's taken me many years to learn how to do that. Like, it's rare that I have big reactions these days. I can watch something coming in and I can notice, oh, yes, that's feel. I'm feeling something there, but I'll be with it. I might go and talk to a friend about it.

Lael Stone [00:42:28]:

I'll just sit with it and then I'll respond. As opposed to. I guess when I was in my 30s, I was like, oh, let's kick off here. Right? Let's go.

Stephanie Rigg [00:42:35]:

You just. I know how to do this.

Lael Stone [00:42:38]:

Yeah. Yeah. And I think sometimes it's maturity, sometimes it's practise, sometimes it's. It's. Well, not sometimes. It's always doing the inner work to be able to identify. This is my pattern. This is what I do.

Lael Stone [00:42:50]:

This is the wound that I'm protecting when I'm doing this. And how do I keep working with that so I can come from a more anchored Grounded place when I'm in relationship with someone. So it definitely takes practise and we absolutely have to have compassion for ourselves because we are all beautifully, fabulously imperfect and we have to keep practising how to find our centre amongst these things. And so it does not help if we beat ourselves up, you know, it does not help one little bit if we do react in a big way and then we get out that big whip and we just start whipping ourselves of how we mess it up. And I mean that doesn't do anything and just adds more fuel to the fire. So, you know, part of all of our self development journey work has to come with a massive dose of compassion for ourselves, you know, and the work we're doing and the more compassion we can have. We actually will look through the lens of compassion to our partners as well, you know, and we'll be able to meet them with a bit more compassion for whatever they're journeying.

Stephanie Rigg [00:43:48]:

Yes. I was gonna say the same thing I think I say to people all the time. When we shame ourselves after we make mistake or we regret something, it's such a dead end. Like it's such a collapsed energy. Just like, oh, there's something wrong with me or why do I always do this? There's no space to learn and grow there because shame is so contracted in the body where it's like when we can look at it and distil. Don't love the way I acted. Totally understand where it came from.

Lael Stone [00:44:16]:

Yeah.

Stephanie Rigg [00:44:16]:

And like, wasn't that such a real experience that I was having in that moment when I reached for that thing that I wish I didn't reach for like the, the you know, snippy comment or the storming out or the whatever I did. Whatever's like my, you know, flavour of the month.

Lael Stone [00:44:31]:

Yeah, yeah.

Stephanie Rigg [00:44:33]:

And when I can do that, like separate out, like don't love what I did, totally see where it came from, then I can go, okay, what might I reach for next time that's going to be a little more in alignment with who and how I want to show up and I can do that same thing for my partner. Go like while you're acting, don't love it. Like in fact it really pisses me off or really triggers me and you are having an experience underneath that that is as real as the one I'm having.

Lael Stone [00:44:57]:

Yes.

Stephanie Rigg [00:44:58]:

It's so easy to judge and just be like, you're so defensive, you're so reactive or you're so whatever. But underneath that thing that we judge and don't like about them is something very, very real.

Lael Stone [00:45:11]:

Oh, a hundred percent. And, you know, we're so committed to being right. My goodness, we will defend it at all costs. Which is something that we're often modelled. I mean, in the other piece, when you're talking there, I think one of the other big imprints that many people are modelled is. Is not taking accountability and not repairing. Like, again, when I ask people, what was it like with your parents? Did they actually apologise when they messed up? Did you see them apologise to each other? Did you see them and take accountability for when they behaved in ways that went okay? And really small number of people go, yeah, my parents good at it. Majority, again, because our parents were doing the best job they knew how, didn't know how to.

Lael Stone [00:45:48]:

They turned away, or they just, you know, made it someone else's fault or they blamed. And so again, this accountability piece and being able to repair well is a new skill that we're learning because it wasn't modelled to us. It's the same with emotional awareness, such as feelings. Like, you know, most families of origin weren't okay with anger and tears and upset. You know, that the results of growing up in environments where we were told, you're lovable when you're good, meant that when we got angry or we got upset or we got sad, we were either talked out of our feelings or we were powered over, you know, so that we didn't feel them. And so the majority of people, again, come to relationships from this place of wounding, where they don't have healthy emotional, you know, intelligence or even literacy around it. Their imprint is very much like, when you get angry, you get sad. You have to shut it down, you know, or we're not allowed to speak about it.

Lael Stone [00:46:42]:

And so that is a big thing that often turns up with, you know, in adulthood of how do we unpack that, that it actually is safe to cry. And anger is not a bad thing. We just. It's not okay to project it onto anyone else. But anger is a messenger and it's telling us that something's off here. And so how do we lean into that to unpack what that's about? And I think, you know, again, I always have deep compassion for our parents, our grandparents. They were doing the best they know how, but I think we have to kind of take stock and look at that. Most of us did not receive a very good foundation at all around how to be in healthy relationships.

Lael Stone [00:47:16]:

And I really do have hope now that as this generation is Doing the work. We can see it turn up in the next generation. Coming through.

Stephanie Rigg [00:47:24]:

Yes.

Lael Stone [00:47:25]:

Yeah.

Stephanie Rigg [00:47:26]:

It's funny, as you were just saying about the emotional awareness and literacy, I think it's something that a lot of people, you know, I work with a lot of people who have more anxious attachment patterns and so who feel very deeply. But at the same time, I think if you scratch the surface a bit, intellectualising your emotions and ruminating, not the same as feeling. And it's actually a really great way to, you know, skip around. The discomfort of being in the emotion is like, obsess over what the other person's doing or create the story or do the like. And I think there's still, you know, whether you're more anxious, more avoidant in your attachment patterns, that emotional disconnection is actually a common thread. Absolutely. And so that's like a muscle that most of us really need to learn to build, because it's not there from the start that, like, I'm safe to feel these things without either needing to rationalise it to get someone else to make it all better. Like, I can actually hold that in a safe way without having to go into all of this elaborate story or fixing around it.

Lael Stone [00:48:29]:

And we often need an experience of that to know that it's safe. I had this client once who was working through a whole lot of stuff, and she would come and sit on my couch and she expressed that she'd never really been able to cry because it was not tolerated in her family. And so something we were working through. And then she started to have some tears and I just gave her so much permission. I was like, please just cry. There is not one single part of me that's not just welcoming what you're feeling right now. And I literally sat beside her. She put her head on my lap and she just cried and cried for about half an hour.

Lael Stone [00:49:01]:

And then she sat up and she said, that is the first experience in my life of being able to cry, knowing it was okay. And so then she would come back for sessions weekly just to cry. It was beautiful. And I would just be like, keep going. You're doing a beautiful job. And after a few months of her receiving an imprint that crying is safe, she was then able to be with that, with her children. So when her children got upset, instead of trying to shut it down or distract it, she could meet them with the tears. But also she began to just build a whole nother sense of self that my feelings are valid and worthy and I'm allowed to actually feel them.

Lael Stone [00:49:38]:

But we often need an experience first where there is enough safety for us to go. It is okay for us to do that. And for some people, you know, particularly if we've grown up in environments where it's not okay to cry, you know, starting with just watching a sad movie is a good thing. Just letting your tears flow. When we watch something a little bit sad and just going, I can cry and it's okay and no one's going to judge me here. And then we keep looking for some more evidence that it is okay for us to do it. But I think that the shutting down of feelings and our emotions, which is so rife in our environment again because nobody really knows how to be with them, is just one of the biggest hurdles to overcome when it comes to finding really, I think true intimacy and healthy relationships is being able to be with our feelings and allow them to just feel them, process them, let them move through our body and then come back to our centre again.

Stephanie Rigg [00:50:28]:

Yes. Yeah. I mean, I think anything less than that is just not honest. Right. It's like there's a withholding there that's going to block real intimacy. Yeah. I feel like we could keep talking about this and a million other things for a very, very, very long time. But thank you so much.

Stephanie Rigg [00:50:47]:

Is there anything before we wrap up that you feel hasn't been said or that you'd like to share with people? Obviously we'll link where people can pre order your book. But where would be a great place for people to find you and connect with your work and go deeper if they want to, which I suggest they do.

Lael Stone [00:51:05]:

Thank you. Well, you can find me@laelstone.com or on. I'm just at Lale Stone. Yeah. So I have, you know, lots of different. Just short courses or I have longer courses that people can do that are on my website or you know, my book is coming out or all those kind of things. So, you know, for me, I don't know, I always come back to this last message of saying to people that doing the work is not easy. You know, it takes a lot of courage to lean in and do it, but it is always worth it.

Lael Stone [00:51:34]:

It is always worth it. And I think, you know, we're here on this planet to know ourselves better, to come home to ourselves. And that can feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. But, you know, the ultimate is to be the full, true expression of ourselves. To be our authentic selves and relationship is one of the best ways to work through that. Right. It's like our beautiful, perfect mirror So I always just come back to saying it takes courage. But you never regret doing the work.

Lael Stone [00:52:05]:

You don't. And especially if you then move into becoming a parent, then one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is to know your own story and to have done the work so that you don't kind of unconsciously place it on their shoulders. And that is a gift that you can give them, to know your story and to be take responsibility for it. You know, it allows us to turn up in the world in a way that the world actually really needs.

Stephanie Rigg [00:52:29]:

Yes. Couldn't agree more. I say that to people all the time. Like, as stuck as you might feel like, you'll never be worse off for just focusing on, like, what's going on with me, what do I need? How can I support myself? Like, what's my next right step in my own inner relationship? Like, trust in the unfolding of things, but that you'll never be worse off for doing that work. So I couldn't agree more. All right, Lael, thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure.

Lael Stone [00:52:54]:

Thank you for having me.

Stephanie Rigg [00:52:59]:

Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon. Sam.

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Keywords from Podcast Episode

attachment styles, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, family systems, childhood imprints, unconscious stories, self-awareness, belief systems, self-worth, boundaries, self-care, good girl syndrome, generational patterns, parenting, emotional awareness, trauma, trauma-informed practice, communication skills, emotional triggers, reactivity, projection, relationship dynamics, self-compassion, personal growth, repair in relationships, accountability, emotional literacy, setting boundaries, inner child healing

#198: What Anxiously Attached People Need to Thrive in a Relationship

LISTEN: APPLE|SPOTIFY

If you have an anxious attachment style, you already know how much your sense of safety in a relationship can depend on certain dynamics. The truth is, thriving in love isn’t about finding a partner who “fixes” you—it’s about being in an environment that supports you in feeling secure, valued, and chosen.

Whether you’re anxiously attached yourself or you love someone who is, here are the key relationship qualities that make all the difference.

1. Consistency

At the core of anxious attachment is a history of inconsistency—connection that feels amazing one moment and disappears the next. This unpredictability wires you to stay hyper-vigilant, scanning for signs that the relationship might be shifting or slipping away.

That’s why consistency is everything.

A partner who shows up reliably—both emotionally and physically—creates a relationship that feels like a safe resting place instead of a roller coaster. While steady love may feel unfamiliar at first, over time it helps you soften your guard and let go of the protective strategies (people-pleasing, overanalyzing, playing detective) that once felt necessary for survival.

2. Validation

Anxiously attached people often grew up feeling “too much” or “too sensitive,” which can lead to second-guessing their feelings and preemptively silencing themselves.

Validation in a relationship looks like:

• A partner who listens without dismissing your feelings

• Someone who can say, “I get why you’d feel that way”—even if they see things differently

• Space for your emotions without shaming, defensiveness, or withdrawal

This isn’t about expecting your partner to be your therapist. It’s about knowing you can bring something up in a self-aware way and be met with understanding rather than minimization.

3. Clear and Responsive Communication

Nothing ramps up anxiety like patchy, unpredictable communication. If you send a message and hear nothing for days, your nervous system is going to spiral.

Supportive communication doesn’t mean texting 24/7—it means:

• Responding within a reasonable timeframe

• Letting each other know if you’ll be out of touch

• Treating messages and calls as a basic sign of care and consideration

When you know you can reach your partner when you need them, you free up mental and emotional energy for connection instead of constant reassurance-seeking.

4. Safe Conflict and Repair

For many anxiously attached people, conflict feels threatening—either because it’s the only time needs get voiced (and it comes out in attack mode), or because any disagreement feels like it might end the relationship.

Thriving means having conflict that:

• Stays respectful, even in heated moments

• Avoids threats like “I’m done” as a weapon

• Leads to repair and deeper understanding

When you experience a partner being upset with you but still loving you—and working with you to resolve issues—it rewires the belief that you have to be perfect to be loved.

5. A Shared Vision and Commitment

Anxiously attached people tend to be future-oriented in relationships, craving mutual investment and long-term certainty. This isn’t about rushing to lock things down—it’s about having clarity that you’re both on the same page.

Being with someone who is sure about you allows you to:

• Relax into the relationship instead of scanning for signs it’s ending

• Make plans together and build something you’re both excited about

• Feel the reciprocity of “I’m choosing you, and you’re choosing me”

That sense of mutual commitment is deeply healing for someone who’s used to feeling like they care more than their partner.

Final Thoughts

Thriving as an anxiously attached person isn’t about never feeling fear or insecurity—it’s about being in a relationship where safety, clarity, and mutual commitment make those fears easier to manage.

If you recognize yourself in these needs, consider them a guide. Seek out relationships where these qualities are present, and be intentional about cultivating them with your partner. Over time, this kind of supportive environment will help you move toward a more secure way of loving—without losing the depth and devotion that make your attachment style so beautifully all-in.

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FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

• FREE TRAINING: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love

• Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
  

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Episode Transcript

[00:00:04]:

You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg.

[00:00:23]:

And I'm really glad you're here. Foreign hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about what anxiously attached people need to thrive in a relationship. So this is a follow up to last week's episode which was what avoidant people need to thrive in a relationship. And as promised, I am serving up the other side of the equation today in discussing the qualities, the conditions, the dynamics that are going to be most supportive for people with anxious attachment patterns to feel safe and secure in their relationships. So my hope in sharing this is that if you are more anxiously attached, you'll know what to be looking for, to be trying to cultivate. You maybe know what to steer clear of.

[00:01:10]:

And if you're the partner of someone who's more anxiously attached, this might give you a little more context for your partner, the things that they struggle with and how you can best support them. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we get into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that I have a brand new free training all about breakups. So if you're someone who is going through a breakup or maybe you've been through a breakup in the last few months and you're still kind of struggling to process it and move forward, this new free training is going to be hugely helpful. It's titled the top three mistakes keeping you stuck after a breakup and what to do differently if you want to heal and move on. So I've really aimed to distil down into this training. I the key missteps that I see time and time again from having supported thousands of people through this, you know where you might be keeping yourself stuck even though you're really trying to do everything you can to move forward.

[00:02:05]:

Things like comparing your process to that of your ex. I talk about in this training how anxious and avoidant people differ in terms of how they process breakups. Much like how we differ when it comes to relationships themselves. Breakups are no different. And I go into what you might see from someone who's more avoidant versus someone who's more anxious in terms of how they move through a breakup and what why it's not particularly helpful to compare and to make meaning out of the way that they're showing up. And I also talk about what it really takes to move on and how you can do that even if you don't feel ready, even if you're still missing them, even if you still love them. How you can really dig deep and support yourself to move forward with your life and to actually make the most of your breakup. And that might sound a bit crazy, but I really believe that breakups are a beautiful opportunity to turn towards ourselves, to learn the lessons and almost to go into a little cocoon and then emerge a beautiful butterfly on the other side.

[00:03:00]:

So if you are going through a breakup or you've been through a breakup recently, definitely check out my new free training. The link to register for that is in the show notes or you can also head to my website and find it there. Second quick announcement is just a reminder about my upcoming event in London. So if you're in or around London or you will be on the 13th of September, I would love to see you there. It's going to be a really lovely intimate gathering. I'm going to be giving a talk and then there'll be plenty of time for Q and A and I'll be sticking around afterwards to say hi to everyone. So I would absolutely love to see you there. Okay, so let's get into this conversation around what anxiously attached people need to thrive in a relationship.

[00:03:40]:

The first one is consistency. So I've spoken about this many times before on the show that consistency is so important to anxiously attach people, because inconsistency is really at the heart of the anxious attachment origin story. It is oftentimes the relational pattern that gave rise to our anxious attachment patterns in the first place. So that might have looked like a lot of different things, but the overall feeling, tone, the overall impression is I cannot trust in the reliability of love and connection. It feels so good when we're connected, but I never know if it's going to be there when I reach for it. And so I become hyper vigilant to all of the conditions surrounding my relationships, my environment, and I feel like I have to monitor for threats. I feel like I have to always be on the lookout. And even when we are connected, I'm waiting for that connection to be withdrawn or to suddenly change or shift because it never feels steady and reliable and predictable.

[00:04:39]:

And so what often happens is we end up recreating these patterns in our adult relationships. We end up gravitating towards partners who are maybe unavailable or who are maybe inconsistent themselves. Sometimes they're there and warm and loving and then Suddenly they pull away and we don't know what's. And while that's deeply triggering for us, there's also a familiarity to it that we maybe don't register as being unhealthy or unsupportive. And so it doesn't sound the alarm in the sense of maybe this relationship isn't right for me, it just sounds the alarm in terms of this is what I've come to expect of relationships. So what did I do in the past to try and take care of this situation? How have I dealt with this previously? So, as is the case for all of us, no matter what our patterns are, when we don't have that awareness and we don't have that intentionality, we do generally gravitate towards relational environments, relational dynamics that fit our adaptations and that by extension tend to mirror our early caregiving environments in one form or another. So all of that to say that inconsistency is likely to keep you in your anxious attachment patterns because all of the ways in which you have learned to adapt and all of your protective strategies, so your people pleasing, your fawning, your information gathering, you're playing detective, you're walking on eggshells. All of that is response to inconsistency.

[00:06:02]:

And so it's going to be really hard if you are in a relationship that feels inconsistent and unpredictable. It's going to be really hard to shake those strategies because that's what those strategies are designed to respond to. And you've got a lot of practise in reaching for those things in response to inconsistency. So if you're wanting to shift your anxious patterns and feel more secure and really thrive in a relationship, you're going to want to look for consistency. So a partner who's steady and reliable, who you can really depend on and count on, who you don't have to doubt, their love and their feelings and their affection. A relationship that really feels like a resting place rather than a roller coaster is going to be really supportive for you eventually. And at first it might feel uncomfortable, right? You might not really know what to do with that level of safety and predictability because your system is so wired for threat and unpredictability. But eventually, as you acclimatise to a more steady pace of relationship, you might find yourself being able to slowly step off the lane edge and maybe let down your guard, let down some of those more hyper vigilant protective strategies that were adapted to that inconsistent and unpredictable environment.

[00:07:14]:

You might find that all of a sudden you don't need to lean on those things so much because you do have this really safe, consistent, steady presence in your relationships. And that really allows you to soften into a bit more trust. Okay. The next thing that's really going to support anxiously attached people to thrive in relationships is validation. So a really validating partner and relational environment. So, again, I've spoken many times about invalidation as being part of that early environment for anxiously attached people. So feeling that you're too much, you're too needy, you're too sensitive, becoming so hyper attuned to the moods and emotions and thoughts and feelings of the people around you, almost to the point where you take those on as your own. Or you're certainly more attuned to them than you are to yourself.

[00:08:06]:

And what that can lead to is many things, one of them being a loss of self or disconnection from yourself, but also this inability to really validate your own experience and this over reliance on other people telling you that you're allowed to have the experience that you're having. So if I express an emotion and someone says, oh, that makes so much sense, that must be so hard for you. Oh, I'm so sorry. Then I sort of go, okay, great, I'm allowed to have the emotion. But if someone says to me, like, what are you talking about? You're being so dramatic. You always do this. I then very quickly backpedal and feel like I'm not allowed to have that emotion and start doubting myself. And oftentimes what you'll see for anxiously attached people is we do that before we even open our mouths.

[00:08:51]:

We go around and around in circles on am I asking too much? Am I being too demanding? Am I being too needy? Am I being too sensitive? And we're sort of pre preempting someone's defensiveness and rejection of us to the point where we end up suppressing a lot of things and biting our tongue and feeling like what we're experiencing, the things that we might be really worried about or scared of or insecure about, that we're not allowed to bring those up because we're going to get shut down. We're going to be met with defensiveness, we're going to be met with dismissal, or all these other things that can feel deeply invalidating. But what we tend to miss is that we're doing that to ourselves. We almost silence ourselves before someone else can silence us, because that feels less painful somehow and allows us to feel a bit more in control of the situation, a bit less rejected by someone else or Less like the connection is under threat. As I've spoken about before recently in my episode on self abandonment, we would rather abandon ourselves than have someone else abandon us. So all of that to say a relational environment where you can share something openly and have someone say, wow, that makes sense, or you know, I hadn't really thought about it that way, but now that you say it and I'm hearing it, I get it, or I don't see things that same way, or this is my perspective. But your perspective matters, right? All of these different ways of saying, I believe your experience, your experience is real. And I can see that.

[00:10:19]:

And that matters to me because it matters to me that you feel safe and cared for and loved here. And I'm not to push you away to deal with that on your own because I don't want to have anything to do with it. Whenever you're coming up against that kind of energy in a relationship, you're going to be deeply triggered in that way. Feeling invalidated, feeling alone, feeling emotionally abandoned. And that's kind of the opposite of what thriving is going to look and feel like for you in a relationship. So looking for someone who is really validating, who can really hold those emotions, not in a way that's expecting your partner to be a parent to you. It's not a substitute for you being somewhat regulated and self responsible in your emotions. It's not like you get to go and emotionally dump on someone and they have to be your therapist.

[00:11:06]:

That's not what I'm talking about. But having someone when you can bring a concern and you can bring that in a mature and self responsible way that they can hear you, that they can validate and mirror back and you can have a conversation about that, that's going to feel really, really good for someone with anxious attachment patterns. Okay, the next one is clear and responsive communication. So again, goes without saying that anxiously attached people have a really hard time with like infrequent, patchy, unpredictable communication. So if you text someone and you don't hear back from them for three days, that's going to send you into a tailspin. You're going to be wondering, you know, do I text again? What's going on? I don't want to be too needy, I don't want to be clingy. Where are they? What's going on? Are they ignoring me? Are they going to ghost me? Just save yourself the trouble of all of that anxiety by finding someone who can communicate reliably and directly without a big fuss, without it feeling like you're drawing blood from a stone to get a response to a text message. I say this having been in a relationship with someone where it was exactly like that.

[00:12:09]:

It was just the most basic things like answering the phone when I called or responding to text messages that he had read and then I'd send another one and he'd read that and he'd ignore that and it just drove me absolutely crazy. And when I look back on it, it's just such an unnecessary headache that I was giving to myself by persisting with someone who was showing that they either didn't have the capacity or the willingness to engage in basic communication in the way that I felt was reasonable and was in line with what I was wanting and needing. Now, caveat here. It's not about finding someone who wants to text all day, every day while you're at work. I'm really talking like within reasonable parameters here. But. But again, hopefully we can all understand that there are extremes and as always, we're aiming for something that's in the healthy middle. So at one extreme we've got.

[00:13:02]:

You never know if they're going to pick up the phone or call you back or respond to a text message in a timely manner and you feel like you're constantly reaching for them and never knowing if they're going to be there. Sort of loops back to the consistency point in number one. Just having this overall sense that if you need to get in contact with them, that's going to be easy to do, they're going to be responsive within a reasonable time. And to the extent that you can't reach them, it's not because they've gone awol, it's just because they are legitimately busy and you know that as soon as they can, they will get back to you. That's kind of the tone that I'm talking about here. And that just alleviates so much unnecessary anxiety for someone with anxious attachment patterns. It just removes all of these unnecessary conflicts and friction points that you would otherwise have and allows you to again, rest in trusting the relationship. Trusting that this person cares about you and respects you and thinks of you and treats you as a priority is considerate of your time.

[00:14:00]:

All of those basic things that are going to really matter for someone with anxious attachment. And obviously the counterfactual, the opposite of all of those things. Super triggering, probably frustrating for anyone, but very triggering for someone with anxious attachment. So steer clear of that. And if that's present in your relationship, I'd be looking to set some clear expectations and boundaries around it. And if things don't shift, then I'd be seriously considering whether that's a compatible relationship moving forward again, just because it saves you so much headache to not have to worry about those things. Okay, the next one is the ability to both navigate conflict and repair after conflict effectively. Again, I've talked about anxious attachment and conflict and all of the layers that can make this really hard.

[00:14:43]:

Some anxiously attached people actually feel quite comfortable in conflict because it feels like a form of intense connection and depth. And at least we're talking about the thing and we're having at it and it's open forum. I feel much more comfortable in that space, even though there's a lot of tension there. That feels better than turning our backs on it or sweeping it under the rug, which feels really intolerable. Other anxious attaches might lean more towards tiptoeing, and I don't even want to go there because the conflict itself makes me feel so stressed and scared that something bad's going to happen. And so I quickly pull back from conflict. Either way, there's a good chance that you have some sort of threat coding around conflict, that conflict registers as unsafe in your system, and that it is a threat to the relationship overall. Whether that's because I only know how to express my needs in conflict and it tends to come wrapped in blame and criticism and attack, or because I feel like the moment I speak up, if I say anything, you're going to threaten to leave.

[00:15:45]:

So whatever that looks like for you in your relationship, it's so important that you can have conflict without it feeling like an existential threat to the relationship. You know, if you've got it looming over you that any conflict could spell the unravelling of the relationship, and particularly in circumstances where breaking up has been used almost as ammunition in conflict. So whether one or both of you has said during conflict, I can't do this anymore, I give up. Whatever that is really, really damaging because it then is always waiting in the wings as this potential escalation that, you know, if I really stand firm here, if I really advocate for myself, you might say, enough, I'm not doing it, I'm done. Well, I'll just leave. And the person who's holding that trump card is always going to have more power. And we don't really want conflict in relationship to be a power struggle. We want it to be an opportunity to, yes, deal with whatever friction or tension might be there, but in a way that honours both of us, us, and allows us to understand each other better.

[00:16:49]:

And go, oh, there are unmet needs here that we maybe had blind spots around or we were so in our own experience that we didn't realise what was going on for our partner. It allows us to negotiate new ways of doing things that are ultimately in service to the relationship. So being able to do that safely and you know, there's plenty of research on this, that having safe conflict and repair is what sets apart healthy couples who go the distance from those who or stay together in really unhappy relationships. So for someone with anxious attachment patterns, feeling like you can have conflict and disconnection without it meaning this visceral existential threat, that is a very, very healing experience for you and that's going to really allow you to thrive in a relationship. Even though if you experience it for the first time, you might not trust it or believe in it, you probably still will feel like conflict is really scary and that it could mean the end of everything and that might influence how you show up. But over time, as your system becomes accustomed to, oh, we're like, we're staying in this and someone can be upset with me and still love me, someone can be disappointed in me or frustrated with me and still want to be with me, being able to hold those things because for a lot of us, we've always felt like I have to be perfect in order to be lovable. And so to the extent that I've done something to upset you, then you must not love me anymore. Having safe conflict teaches our body and our system that that doesn't have to be true.

[00:18:17]:

That we can be imperfect, that we can mess up and that we can come back together and repair and actually be stronger for it. Okay. And last but not least, a sense of shared vision and commitment. So again, it's no surprise to anyone that anxiously attached people are very future oriented in their relationships. And I think in part this can be coming from a place of, of fear, of abandonment and those sorts of things that we want to lock something down to buffer against those fears. But equally we do just tend to be oriented towards commitment and being all in and wanting to build something with someone, which I actually think can be a beautiful trait. And so being in a relationship with someone who is similarly minded, who is all in, where you don't have to doubt what we are and what we're doing and where it's going, obviously within reason you don't need to have it locked down on the second date, but that if you are in one of those long drawn out situationships or a relationship where they're resisting a label or there's this overall sense of uncertainty in their commitment to you and the relationship. I know how easy it is when you're in one of those dynamics to tell yourself that no, we'll just wait a little longer and I'm just being sensitive and all of that and that's great.

[00:19:33]:

But at the same time, trust me when I say that you are going to do way better with someone who is sure about you. And you know, relationships are really hard. If this is going to be a long term relationship and you are moving through life together, there are going to be lots of bumps in the road. And doing that with someone who is at least sure that they want to be with you and they want to do that with you and they are all in. I think that that is really, really non negotiable. And so having that sense of like both being on the same page, we are both on the same train, we are going to the same destination and we're both excited about being there. And doing that together I think is really going to help you to thrive and again to relax into the relationship rather than always being on the lookout for signs that everything's going to unravel and fall apart. And I think a really lovely bonus of having that is that you get to talk about those things and make a plan and have that shared vision which tends to be a really beautiful source of connection for anxiously attached people because you get to feel like I'm choosing them and they're choosing me and we're doing this together and we're working towards something.

[00:20:36]:

I think for any couple that's a beautiful experience, but particularly for someone who has always carried fears around not being chosen and people always leave me and I always want it more than they do. Having that deep embodied sense of reciprocity and mutual commitment is going to be so nourishing for you as someone with anxious attachment patterns and will really support your journey to a more secure way of being in relationship. Okay, gonna leave it there, guys. Thank you so much for joining me. I really hope that this has been helpful and has given you something to work towards, something to strive for, something to cultivate in your relationships. Whether you're in one at the moment or you're visioning out what the future might hold. I hope that this has given you a bit of a yardstick. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next week.

[00:21:22]:

Thanks, guys.

[00:21:27]:

Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships. You can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again.

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Keywords from Podcast Episode

anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, relationships, insecurity, thriving relationships, breakups, healing after breakup, moving on, attachment patterns, consistency in relationships, validation, emotional validation, self abandonment, communication in relationships, conflict resolution, repairing after conflict, relationship dynamics, commitment issues, future orientation in relationships, relationship safety, self regulation, emotional safety, mutual commitment, relational environment, reliable partner, people pleasing, self responsibility, abandonment fears, intimacy, romantic relationships