#203: How to Soften Your Inner Critic and Forgive Yourself for the Past
If you’ve ever felt like you’re your own harshest critic, you’re not alone. Most of us carry an inner voice that points out our flaws, reminds us of past mistakes, and convinces us we’re not good enough. And while that voice can feel punishing, here’s the surprising truth: your inner critic isn’t trying to hurt you—it’s trying to protect you.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re your own harshest critic, you’re not alone. Most of us carry an inner voice that points out our flaws, reminds us of past mistakes, and convinces us we’re not good enough. And while that voice can feel punishing, here’s the surprising truth: your inner critic isn’t trying to hurt you—it’s trying to protect you.
The problem isn’t that this part of you exists. The problem is that it often uses shame and self-blame as tools for protection, and those rarely lead to the kind of growth and healing we’re hoping for. So rather than trying to silence or banish your inner critic, what if you learned to soften it, to understand what it’s really trying to do, and to extend compassion—even to this critical part of yourself?
That’s what we’re exploring today: how to develop a healthier relationship with your inner critic, bring more self-compassion into the mix, and move toward true self-forgiveness.
The Protective Role of the Inner Critic
It might sound counterintuitive, but your inner critic is actually trying to keep you safe.
That voice that says, “You need to do better,” or “Don’t be too needy, or people will leave”? It’s often rooted in fear—fear of rejection, fear of repeating painful mistakes, fear of losing connection.
Seen through this lens, self-criticism is a misguided attempt at protection. By keeping you “in line,” your inner critic believes it’s preventing you from getting hurt.
When we can recognize this protective intent, it changes the conversation. Instead of being at war with ourselves, we can turn toward this part of us with curiosity and even gratitude: “I see you’re trying to keep me safe. Thank you for caring.”
That simple shift softens the edges of self-criticism, making space for compassion instead of more blame.
Self-Compassion Is Not Letting Yourself Off the Hook
One of the biggest fears people have about practicing self-compassion is that it means lowering standards or avoiding responsibility.
But self-compassion is not the same as avoidance. It doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes or pretending everything you’ve done was fine. Rather, it’s about acknowledging the humanity behind your choices.
Every action—even those you regret—came from a place of trying to meet a need, avoid pain, or navigate fear. When you recognize this, you can hold yourself accountable from a place of compassion, instead of shame.
And here’s the key: shame does not lead to meaningful change. In fact, it tends to keep us stuck in old patterns, spiraling into more fear-driven or self-sabotaging behaviors. Compassion, on the other hand, creates the safety and clarity needed to reflect, take responsibility, and genuinely do things differently next time.
The Path to Self-Forgiveness
Forgiveness is often the missing piece when we’re stuck in self-criticism. We replay our mistakes, beat ourselves up, and carry the heavy residue of regret—without ever reaching the point of release.
True self-forgiveness requires two things:
Reflection and accountability – Honestly acknowledging where we’ve misstepped, without collapsing into shame.
A commitment to doing better – Deciding how we want to respond differently in the future, and putting supports in place to help us follow through.
It’s a lot like repairing a relationship with someone else. A simple “I’m sorry” rarely feels complete unless it’s paired with accountability and a clear commitment to change. The same is true within our inner relationship.
When we reflect deeply, learn the lessons, and then make a clear promise to ourselves about how we’ll act differently, we can finally release the weight of the past and move forward lighter.
Closing the Loop
The journey from self-criticism to self-forgiveness isn’t about silencing your inner critic or excusing your mistakes. It’s about shifting the way you relate to yourself:
Seeing the protective role of your inner critic
Extending compassion instead of punishment
Taking responsibility without spiraling into shame
And finally, forgiving yourself so you can move forward with clarity and confidence
When you practice this, you no longer carry the same burdens of self-blame. You create space to show up in your life and relationships with more openness, intention, and self-trust.
Because the truth is: you can’t punish yourself into growth. But you can love yourself into change.
If this resonates, you might enjoy my free training on How to Heal Anxious Attachment and Finally Feel Secure in Life and Love, where I dive deeper into how self-criticism and shame spirals keep us stuck—and how to break free.
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to be less self critical or how to befriend your inner critic. Now, I think this is something that so many of us struggle with, no matter where we sit on the attachment spectrum. Frankly, I think self criticism is a burden that many of us are very well acquainted with carrying through our lives. And, you know, in thinking about today's episode and how to frame it, I was reflecting that so much of the time, the language we hear around self criticism and our inner critic is like how to silence your inner critic. And I very deliberately steered clear of that framing because as with anxiety and the way I teach about that, I would never say like how to get rid of anxiety or how to eliminate your anxiety, because I don't think that anxiety is the problem.
[00:01:26]:
I actually don't think that your inner critic is a part of you that you need to silence or dominate or erase or destroy or get rid of. Really, I see the inner critic as a part of you that is playing a role that is protective in some way. And that might sound a little funny, as with a lot of our protective parts that engage in behaviours that we might label wrong or bad or inconvenient or unwelcome, ultimately there's some reason, if you are moving through life, moving through the world with this voice in your head that is constantly being hard on you, being judgmental, telling you that you're not good enough, telling you you need to do better, pointing out your flaws, all of those things, blaming you for everything that goes wrong. There's a reason for that. And as we'll talk about today, a big part of shifting that internal environment is actually turning towards our critical parts and seeking to understand their purpose and what they're trying to protect us from, rather than turning our back on them or trying hit the mute button or overpower or overrule them. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, what it means to develop a different kind of relationship with your inner critic, how to forgive yourself, how to be more self compassionate and how shifting that relationship can actually be much more facilitative of change than the approach where we self Flagellate, punish ourselves, blame ourselves. Because oftentimes we can have the story that we need to do all of those things in order to make changes when I find that the opposite is true. Before we get into today's episode, just a quick reminder.
[00:03:11]:
If you are in or around London and you would like to come along to my upcoming event on 13th September, I'm only going to be in town for a couple of days and I'm so looking forward to gathering with an intimate group of like minded folks to share about all things secure relationships and most importantly, how to build a secure relationship with yourself. So if you are interested in coming along, I would so love to see you there. You can purchase tickets via the link in the show notes or by heading straight to my website. Okay, so let's talk about self criticism and the inner critic and what it takes to really shift our internal environment into a more self compassionate one. So as I alluded to in the introduction, self criticism is not just a bad thing that we need to get rid of. I think that kind of mindset is wildly unhelpful because it fails to acknowledge that all of our parts, even the ones that we would rather not be there, are serving some sort of purpose. And for a lot of us, self criticism is serving this role. If we were to sit down, you know, pull up a chair and sit down opposite the part of us that is highly self critical, our inner critic, and sort of project them outwards and sit down and have a conversation with them and say, like, what are you trying to do here? When you are constantly in my ear telling me all of the ways that I've messed up, or I'm not good enough, or people don't like me, or I'm not attractive enough, or I need to change these things about myself, or you know, people always leave me, like all of the things, all of those little voices that can just be playing on repeat these really harsh, punitive, unkind messages, you know, what would be the purpose of that? And being genuinely curious around, like what is this part of me trying to achieve by being so self critical all of the time? And a lot of the time if we dig a little deeper, of course it will be personal to each individual.
[00:05:04]:
But a lot of the time the inner critic is operating from this belief that if I don't keep you in line, something bad's gonna happen. So if I'm constantly telling you to do better, I am carrying this belief that people won't love us unless we're perfect, for example, or If I'm always trying to point out to you where you've messed up, I'm trying to keep you accountable, to not make those mistakes again, because maybe those mistakes led us to a lot of pain and suffering in the past. So if I'm telling you not to be too needy or that you're too sensitive and that you've just got to suck it up and not let someone know that you're upset and really kind of being quite harsh in that respect, maybe that's coming from a deep fear that if you take up too much space, someone's going to leave you. And so when we start to dig a little and scratch the surface, we can see that there is always some sort of protective intent behind even the most hardcore inner critic. You can always find your way to some thread of needing to prove yourself, needing to compensate for a perceived inadequacy, needing to be perfect in order to be lovable, trying desperately to prevent disconnection, trying to avoid a repetition of a past mistake or a past pain. And when we can see that, we can start to empathise and recognise that actually our inner critic is doing a really important job, and that is to try and keep us safe. And it's only when we turn towards that and we can actually recognise and even voice gratitude to that part of us and say, like, I see what you're trying to do. I see how you're trying to keep me safe.
[00:06:43]:
I know how much you care about me and care about this, whatever this is, whether it's your job or your relationships or whatever else. Right away we start to feel this softening, right? Because we stop being at war with ourselves. We stop being in this constant state of wrongness and resistance, making ourselves the bad guy. And we're experiencing this internal dialogue of shame and blame. And then in response to that, we're making ourselves wrong. So we're adding more shame and blame to a system that's already carrying a heavy weight and a heavy burden. So when we can actually lift that weight off our shoulders and instead go, okay, I'm all ears, I want to understand this part of me and really approach that part of ourselves with genuine curiosity and a desire to befriend and support, you will notice that it almost straightaway shifts the internal environment. So extending that olive branch of self compassion, both towards ourselves more broadly in terms of the things we struggle with, but specifically to our inner critic and any other parts of us that we find hard to accept is a really, really important first step.
[00:07:53]:
Now, what can be a Little tricky there. And something that I know a lot of people have resistance to is what I alluded to earlier around, like I need to keep myself accountable, to do better, to do differently. And just being nice to myself and being kind to myself isn't that tantamount to letting myself off the hook, right? So our inner critic can be, you know, pretty firm and can grip pretty tightly to this sense of I need to keep us in line and just being nice and being all warm and fuzz. There can be parts of us that have a lot of resistance to that and that's totally valid and we want to recognise and acknowledge that. And the reassurance that I want to offer, if you are sitting there and having that resistance of like, yeah, I'm not just going to let myself off the hook here because maybe I've made real mistakes or maybe I have acted out of integrity or there are things that I'm really deeply ashamed of or that I really feel a lot of regret and remorse about. What I'd offer to you is that it's actually only in being self compassionate. So in recognising the humanity underneath whatever we did or whatever we've struggled with, recognising that we're always all doing our best and that whatever you might have done that you're so hard on yourself about, there's always some sort of reason, right? Like you were trying to get a need met or you were trying to avoid pain, or you were acting from fear. There's always something really valid that sits underneath whatever it is that we do.
[00:09:21]:
Even if the thing that we do is not something that we're super proud of, it's only in bringing self compassion to that that we can start to actively, meaningfully engage with and learn the lessons of. Whatever the thing is that we've experienced, whatever we're trying to shift away from. If we adopt a shaming and blaming approach, I promise you there's no meaningful growth that comes from that because it's just as I said, leads to more collapsing, more contraction, more shame and blame and we spiral downwards. That means that we have lower self esteem, lower self worth, and from that place we're much more likely to engage in further fear driven, scarcity driven, you know, dysregulated behaviours because our system is under so much stress. So really, in order to engage meaningfully with regret, with past mistakes, in order to actually forgive ourselves and take responsibility and do something differently, we have to have a level of self compassion. Criticism and punishment is not the way to go. I Mean, we know this now in parenting, we know this in like the world of discipline, that that's a very old school approach to try and overpower and intimidate and criticise and punish someone into behaviour change, that is just not the most effective way to elicit behaviour change. It just tends to be a very high stress, fear driven system.
[00:10:47]:
And that's not the way we want to be approaching our in a relationship. So really in bringing more self compassion where we are not condoning behaviour, we are not letting ourselves off the hook, we're not saying like, okay, now it's totally fine. Everything that I might have done, all the mistakes I might have made, that is really not my approach at all. I'm so big on self responsibility and honest reflection and engagement with owning our staff. But we can only do that when we've actually taken some of the charge out and shame just doesn't allow us to do that. So offering that by way of reassurance to any parts of you that might be resistant to the idea of self compassion, the idea of approaching ourselves with a gentler, more curious way of relating rather than one that is intensely self critical as a way to kind of spur on change or growth. Now last but not least, I want to talk a little about self forgiveness because again, I think that this is kind of the way that we complete the cycle. Because when we're just stuck in the self critical phase, we tend not to go deep enough to actually get to the place of forgiving ourselves.
[00:11:54]:
So we might just feel the shame about the thing that we've done or what we lack or whatever other judgments we're making, but we don't get to those deeper layers of reflecting and learning the lesson, as I just said, and then forgiving ourselves. So in my mind, self forgiveness is really only something that we can do when we've created some accountability and there's enough trust there that we can say like, I am not going to do this again. Here's what I'm going to do differently next time. Like in a relationship, any relationship, an apology where someone just says I'm sorry, it doesn't really land on a deep level. We want to see someone engage with the mistakes they might have made, the hurt they might have caused, and to show some recognition and acknowledgement of what they're going to do differently next time, what the commitment is, so that we then trust in that apology and we can, you know, feel a sense of resolution and repair. The same is true for our own inner relationship. And again, this is not possible when we're just in this really heavy state of self criticism and shame and blame. So it's only when we can, you know, detach a little from that, soften a little, really reflect deeply on where we've misstepped along the way, the things that we regret, the things that we might feel ashamed of, the choices that we've made, the ways that we've conducted ourselves, you know, engaging with that and going, yeah, that wasn't in alignment with who or how I want to be.
[00:13:24]:
That wasn't me being my best self. Maybe that did not reflect my values. Maybe I was being very reactive from a place of fear. And it's not about trying to then frantically unravel or undo all of that and go back and apologise to people and explain yourself and do all of the things. It's just about being able to hold it within yourself and see it within yourself and go, okay, knowing what I now know, having the clarity and the self awareness that I now possess, what would I do differently next time? And what safeguards might I put in place in order to support myself to choose this new way over the old way that might be my habituated response in those conditions of stress or fear or overwhelm. So that is what really allows you to feel this sense of completeness and resolution around self forgiveness and the mistakes that you've made in the past so that you can really make peace with the past and feel like you don't have all of these open loops there, all of these things that you're still holding a lot of heaviness and residue around. Because I think for a lot of us we do that, we just turn our backs on the things we regret or we obsess over them, but from a place of rumination rather than true engagement and reflection. So I hope that that has given you a different way of relating to self criticism, to self blame, to self responsibility, to self compassion.
[00:14:45]:
These are all absolutely crucial in nurturing and fostering a really positive relationship with ourselves that allows us to then go out into the world carrying fewer burdens from a more open hearted place, a place that does allow us to be more deliberate and intentional about show up. Because we've owned our stuff, we've gotten clear and we've got a plan on how we're going to do things differently next time. And you know, we're really ready to commit to ourselves and honour ourselves in that way rather than just doing the old thing out of habit or out of reactivity or out of shame because we're in that spiral that can so easily happen when we're inhabiting a very punitive inner environment. So I hope that that's been helpful. If what I've shared in this episode resonates with you, consider checking out my free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love. I talk about the shame spirals that we can get into when we have negative beliefs about ourselves. Like there's something wrong with me, I'm broken and that can fuel certain behaviours that are coming from a place of fear that in turn add to the shame and the self blame and the sense of brokenness and so we can get stuck in these really negative downward spirals in terms of our inner relationship and self image. So I talk about that in quite a lot of detail in the training, amongst many other things.
[00:16:09]:
So if what we've chatted about today has resonated with you, definitely consider checking out my free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love. Okay guys, going to leave it there. Thanks so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:16:27]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
self criticism, inner critic, self compassion, attachment, relationships, self blame, shame, self forgiveness, self reflection, personal growth, behaviour change, self responsibility, accountability, self awareness, overcoming insecurity, secure relationships, anxious attachment, perfectionism, self worth, self esteem, emotional regulation, practical tools, self acceptance, self improvement, fear, rumination, regret, relationship with self, healthy relationships, vulnerability, self discovery
#202: How Attachment Styles Influence Friendship Dynamics
When we think about attachment theory, most of us immediately connect it to romantic relationships. And for good reason—that’s where the framework was originally applied after its roots in infant–caregiver bonds. But here’s the truth: the same patterns that influence how we show up in love also shape the way we navigate friendships.
When we think about attachment theory, most of us immediately connect it to romantic relationships. And for good reason—that’s where the framework was originally applied after its roots in infant–caregiver bonds. But here’s the truth: the same patterns that influence how we show up in love also shape the way we navigate friendships.
Friendships can be some of the most meaningful and nourishing relationships in our lives—but they can also feel confusing, messy, and vulnerable. So, let’s unpack how different attachment styles might show up in friendships and what that means for cultivating more secure, balanced connections.
Anxious Attachment in Friendships
If you lean anxious in your attachment, you may notice that friendships feel like a constant balancing act. You might:
Be the one putting in most of the effort to sustain the friendship
Reach out frequently, seek emotional depth, and desire closeness
Take cancellations, distance, or lack of reciprocity very personally
At the root of this is often a fear of exclusion or rejection. Anxiously attached friends may worry about not belonging, being left out, or not being “liked enough.” And while the intention is to keep people close, the result can sometimes create imbalance—especially if paired with a more avoidant friend.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment in Friendships
For those with more avoidant tendencies, friendships often look different. Typically, avoidantly attached people:
Maintain lots of casual, surface-level friendships
Prefer activity-based connections over emotional depth
Value friendships that don’t demand too much emotional reliance
These friendships might look easy and low-maintenance on the outside—but the trade-off is often less intimacy and emotional support. If a friend becomes too emotionally intense or demanding, an avoidant friend may pull away to preserve their sense of freedom and autonomy.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Friendships
Fearful-avoidant attachment often brings intensity and volatility into friendships. These friends may:
Crave deep, meaningful bonds but also carry fears of betrayal
Experience intense friendship “highs” followed by sudden ruptures
Be more prone to friendship breakups after conflict or disappointment
This push–pull dynamic can be exhausting for both sides. Fearful-avoidant friends value closeness but may also retreat quickly if they feel hurt or unsafe, creating an all-or-nothing pattern in their social world.
Why Friendships Can Feel Especially Vulnerable
One of the unique challenges of friendships is that they’re not exclusive the way most romantic relationships are. There’s no “cap” on how many friends someone can have—so if a friend pulls away or stops prioritizing you, it can feel deeply personal.
Add to that the layer of childhood friendship wounds—being excluded, bullied, or left out at school—and adult friendship challenges can reactivate old pain. This explains why something as simple as being left out of a group dinner can feel so raw and triggering.
Building Healthier, More Secure Friendships
The good news? Friendships don’t all have to look the same. Here are a few reminders as you navigate them:
Know what you want from friendship. Do you crave depth? Emotional support? Or are lighthearted, casual friendships enough in some spaces?
Let friends meet different needs. One friend may be your go-to for deep conversations, while another is your adventure buddy. Both roles are valid.
Recalibrate when needed. If you notice you’re doing all the heavy lifting, ask yourself what it would look like to pull back and allow more reciprocity.
Don’t avoid hard conversations. Just like in romantic relationships, honesty matters. If something feels off, expressing it (with care) can deepen trust and connection.
Final Thoughts
Attachment styles shape not just our romantic lives, but our friendships too. The way we connect, the insecurities we carry, and the patterns we fall into—they all show up with the people we call friends.
And yet, friendships also give us unique opportunities: to practice boundaries, to diversify where we get our needs met, and to build connections that reflect our growth.
Because ultimately, the goal isn’t to find “perfect” friendships—it’s to create relationships that feel mutual, supportive, and secure, in whatever shape they take.
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how attachment styles show up in friendships, which is actually a topic that's been requested more times than I can count. So I'm finally getting around to recording an episode on this, which I think is really something probably the topic of friendships more broadly is one that doesn't get enough attention and yet is something that a lot of people have a really hard time navigating. The focus tends to be so much on romantic relationships and yet friendships can be messy and friendships can bring up a lot of stuff and insecurities and fears and all of the things. So I'm hoping that in today's episode I can speak to some of those challenges and offer some insights so that you can better understand how you experience friendships, the things that you might be struggling with, and how you might approach that going forward in a way that feels a little bit more secure and grounded and empowering. Before we get into today's episode, a couple of quick reminders if you haven't already already check them out.
[00:01:30]:
I've released recently a couple of free trainings. One on how to heal anxious attachment, another on healing from a breakup. So those are both really great resources. If you're struggling with either or both of those things and you're looking for more support, a bit of a roadmap, understanding yourself, understanding what the next step might be. I really encourage you to check out those and my other free resources, all of which you can check out on my website. Second quick announcement is just a reminder about my upcoming London show. There are still tickets available if you're interested in coming along. It's going to be a lovely intimate event.
[00:02:04]:
I'll be giving a talk, then there'll be time for Q and A and meet and greet and it'll be lovely and casual and intimate and I would love to see you there. If you're someone who listens to the show, likes my work, and you're based in or around London, come and spend a Saturday with me in a room full of like minded others. But absolutely love to have you there. Okay, so let's talk about how attachment styles show up in friendships. Now I just want to frame the discussion a little at the outset. And acknowledge that attachment. Attachment theory as a body of work is not about friendships. It was originally developed in the context of infant caregiver relationships.
[00:02:40]:
And subsequently, many decades later, was adapted to apply to adult romantic relationships. Which is obviously the primary focus of my work. And is what a lot of people associate with attachment theory in its modern form. But friendships were not really within the contemplation or the parameters of attachment theory. That being said, I think when we zoom out a bit. And take a broader look at the purpose of attachment theory and the core teachings, we're really looking at the insecurities that we may carry. The wounds and burdens that we have around relationships. And the ways that we've learned to cope with those things.
[00:03:18]:
The protective strategies that have sprung from those wounds that we've become habituated into. That we reach for. As a way to try and prevent that pain from happening or respond to that pain. So I think when we take that more fluid and flexible lens. Which is really my preferred way of teaching about attachment in any case. And is more influenced by parts, work and other frameworks. We can see that, of course, the patterns that play out in our relationships. Can and do absolutely show up in other meaningful relationships, including friendships.
[00:03:55]:
So while attachment theory and attachment styles, you know, not originally about friendships. I think we can certainly apply it there by extension. And use it as a basis to form insights and understandings. So with that as the framing, I want to talk about how each of the insecure attachment styles might show up in friendships. What you might experience, the things you might struggle with. And how that might play out. So anxiously attached people in friendships, as in romantic relationships. Are likely to be the person who is more invested.
[00:04:27]:
Who's putting in a lot of the effort to sustain the relationship. There might be a perception of imbalance and lack of reciprocity. Like you're doing a lot of the heavy lifting. You're always the one reaching out. You're the one maybe seeking for more contact, more emotional depth, more connection. You always feel like you're closing the gap. You're reaching. And that might both stem from and elicit feelings of unworthiness, feelings of rejection, people don't like me.
[00:04:58]:
Insecurity, generally taking things very personally. So if someone's a bit distant or busy or cancelling plans. You might be very deeply hurt by that. And assume that you have done something wrong, Feel like they must not like you. All of those sorts of things. I think a fear of being excluded or not belonging. Is a really big One for anxiously attached people. So we can go to great lengths to try and prevent that from happening.
[00:05:24]:
Whether it's by trying to get close to people and keep them close, people pleasing, trying to fit in all of those things, or, you know, if we're feeling excluded, if we're feeling left out, desperately trying to figure out what's gone wrong, what we've done and trying to undo it, trying to repair what can happen. And I think that this is quite a common one. I've seen this quite a lot amongst students in my Healing Anxious Attachment programme is that you might find yourself in friendships with people who are more avoidant. Again, we can see the Yin and yang coming together as we do in romantic relationships, and your desire for more depth and maybe your tendency towards feeling hurt or rejected or neglected. If someone isn't putting as much effort into the friendship as you are, then you respond to that by wanting to have a conversation, wanting to tell them about your disappointment. You might then be met with someone's resistance or disinterest or almost like their impatience to hold space for that, to have that level of depth. And so that can further deepen the hurt and the sense of not being important to someone, not being a priority. So you can see that everything that I'm doing describing here, there are a lot of parallels in the dynamics that can play out here as compared with romantic relationships and for anxiously attached people, I'm sure a lot of what I'm describing will be familiar there.
[00:06:57]:
If we move over to a more dismissive avoidant look at friendships, what you're likely to see is someone who maybe has a lot of friends, but they're quite surface level friendships. So kind of low maintenance, not a lot of emotional depth, not really relying on each other for much. Maybe it's casual social, you can send them a message to go and get a drink or catch up for something, go to a show together. You might have a lot of like activity based friends or people that you catch up with casually. And so the dismissive avoidant might look like someone who's really popular and has a lot of friends, but they're less likely to have emotional depth in their friendships. And that's probably by preference. That suits them quite well because they don't then feel engulfed by their friendships. They don't feel this excessive reliance from other people that they don't really know how to hold or, you know, that then feels imbalanced to them because they know that they're not going to rely on the other person in turn.
[00:07:58]:
So it feels like it's all going in one direction. So those sorts of, like, easy, kind of distant, casual friendships are likely to work really well for someone with this sort of avoidant patterns. And as I said, there is a likelihood that the other side of the coin, that if someone's too emotionally intense, they're likely to. To have a bit of a reaction against that feel like that's more than they're willing to give. And they might distance themselves from a friend who is asking more of them than they're willing to give by way of emotional depth or reliance. Someone with fearful avoidant patterns is likely to sit somewhere in the middle, as is often the case, but with their own unique challenges as well. So the fearful avoidant in friendships is likely to value depth, value, but maybe also have casual friends as well. They can kind of straddle that.
[00:08:50]:
Whereas someone who's more anxious is unlikely to want shallow, casual friendships. In large part, the fearful avoidant craves that depth. But with that comes a level of vulnerability that can lead to friction and even conflict. And I think something that a lot of fearful avoidance will experience is friendship breakups. So they might have a really deep friendship and it feels really intense and they feel really connected. And then there's some sort of implosion and because they experience oftentimes like a sense of betrayal or when trust is broken, that they just want to get so far away from that, and maybe they have shame about how they acted in it all, so they might just draw a line under it and not talk to that person ever again kind of thing. So having that volatility around friendships, that simultaneous depth, but then also distance, if something goes wrong or if there is some sort of rupture or perceived betrayal or disappointment, that's often there for someone with more fearful avoidant patterns. So that's sort of a bit of a lay of the land on what attachment styles can look like as they play out in friendships.
[00:10:03]:
One thing that I did want to note is while for some people, your attachment style and patterns will be very much a continuation of what you experience in romantic relationships, meaning if you're anxious in romantic relationships, you might be similarly anxious in friendships. For others, you might be really anxious in romantic relationships, but more avoidant in friendships. And if that's you, that's fine. It's not something, you know, people always say, like, is this possible? What's wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with you. It just means that you fear different things in different places and you respond in different ways. So all of that is part of the messy reality of our layered experiences of relationships as humans and the ways that we've learned to cope with that. But I did just want to acknowledge that it's not necessarily going to be exactly the same in those different types of relationships for you. Same goes as a side note for family.
[00:10:57]:
Sometimes people will be more avoidant with family, more anxious in their romantic relationships, or vice versa, some other combination. So some of the other patterns that we might see play out in friendship, again, we do always tend to find these balance points in our relationships. So we might have one friend who's the over functioner and one who's the under functioner, one who does all the heavy lifting and one who just follows along. One who's the caretaker and the other who's always been cared for, the rescuer and the one who's always in crisis. One who's the emotional dumping ground and one who's always offloading their stuff. Will often in insecure type friendships have these imbalance dynamics that can be certainly contributed to by or shaped by our attachment dynamics that we see play out in other relationships. I think one of the really complicating factors when it comes to friendships, and it's kind of a blessing and a curse, is the fact that friendships are non monogamous, so to speak, whereas romantic relationships for most people, obviously not all people, are monogamous. And so that exclusivity thing means that while rejection is really painful, we can sort of understand it.
[00:12:13]:
Whereas in friendships, if someone pulls away from us, doesn't want to be friends anymore, distances themselves because there's no upper limit on how many friends you can have, that can feel really, really painful. It can feel like. It's not like you can only have one friend and so you chose someone else instead of me. You just decided you didn't want to be friends with me because you don't like having me around. That can feel much more personal because of the different nature of friendships. And so I think that can in some ways feel like more of a rejection of who we are at a fundamental level and can really feed those wounds around people don't like me, people don't value me in ways that romantic relationships. We can maybe rationalise it more in the context of dating and romantic relationships if someone breaks up with us. Whereas in friendships that can really, really hur.
[00:13:07]:
I think another piece around friendships that we probably don't acknowledge enough is that we have a lot of inner child wounds around friendships most of us will have experienced dating back to primary School and high school, all of those fears around not belonging, around being excluded, around being left out. And so when those things get activated as an adult, it's touching into really old wounds and parts of us that are probably really young and that have those really big fears of not being liked, of being excluded at times in our lives where that felt incredibly vulnerable and where it felt like a survival need to fit in in a very contained environment of school or other community settings where we didn't have much control over that. Even though as an adult we have so much more agency and we can seek out friends in all sorts of different places and settings, it can touch into those really old wounds about exclus, not belonging, not fitting in, or if you were bullied or things like that, naturally you're going to have more sensitivity around adult friendships and navigating any struggles that you have there in light of those old wounds. Again, much the same as in romantic relationships, when we've experienced struggles earlier in life, we carry those into our relationships. Now what do we do with all of this awareness? Because it is a lot of awareness and there are a lot of layers and it might be the kind of thing where after listening to this, you start processing it and metabolising it and connecting dots, seeing patterns where maybe you weren't so aware of them before. I think that it's really important to know what we want from friendships. And the blessing that I was alluding to earlier of non exclusive friendships, meaning you can have lots of different friends, is that we don't need every friend to meet all of our friendship needs. So if you know that you're someone who looks for emotional depth and that connecting on a deeper level is really important to you, being able to pick up the phone and call someone if you're having a hard day is really important to, to you.
[00:15:11]:
Being able to ask someone for help if you're moving house or whatever, if like that level of dependability and trust and reliability and emotional connection is important to you and a friend, that's really good to know. And there's nothing wrong with that at all. It's just part of knowing what your emotional needs are and you don't have to get all of those needs met from every friend all the time. So you might recognise that certain friends who display some of those more avoidant patterns that I was speaking to, who maybe just have less capacity for emotional depth in friendships generally, or friendships with you, you might decide that you're okay to keep it kind of surface level and just send each other memes or go for a coffee and talk about work or keeping things kind of light might be okay. And that can still be a valid friendship. Not every friendship needs to look and feel exactly the same way. And I think it's only when we try and depersonalise it a bit that we're maybe more able to engage with that and see people's capacity not as a comment on us at a fundamental level, but more about their capacity. So recognising that because we can have lots of different friends and different levels of contact and closeness and intimacy and all of that that we can be discerning around like, yes, this friendship is meeting my needs and I want to keep investing in it, or maybe it isn't meeting my needs and I'm going to pull back a bit, or maybe I can just recalibrate my expectations of this friendship and allow it to be what it is, rather than trying to force it to be something that it isn't.
[00:16:45]:
So I think that's a helpful reframe on how we think about our friendships. And certainly if you tend to be on the side of the equation where you're the one over functioning, overinvesting, caretaking, closing the gap, doing all of the heavy lifting to sustain a friendship, you might think about what it would look like to reshuffle that so that it feels a bit more balanced. Particularly if you notice yourself being a bit resentful of the perceived lack of reciprocity there. That's certainly something to think about. What would it look like to pull back a bit and allow this to fall into a more mutual rhythm, even if that means that it's not at the level of depth or intensity that I would prefer if it were up to me. A final piece that I want to speak to is navigating conflict in friendships, because I think that, frankly, this can be really awkward for a lot of people. Again, I think the tendency towards conflict avoidance in friendships is much, much higher than in romantic relationships. It's almost like there's a threshold test below which we're not not willing to go there with friends.
[00:17:47]:
And maybe that's. If we're not confident that the friendship could sustain conflict and repair, if it is more casual or it feels a bit flimsy, or we feel like the other person, or we are not that invested, then conflict feels like a vulnerable place to go. Expressing disappointment or frustration or upset is a hard thing to do with someone that we're not fully committed to or that isn't fully committed to us. So there can be Real vulnerabilities around conflict in friendships. That being said, I think that it's important, as in any relationship, if it's an important relationship in your life, to be able to share honestly about how you're feeling and maybe something that doesn't feel great. All of the same communication tools and guidelines that we employ in relationships apply here too. So not blaming, not accusing, taking responsibility for our own stuff, but also sharing honestly about the way we might be feeling and maybe making requests, maybe sharing boundaries. For example, if you have a friend who kind of emotionally dumps all the time and offloads all of their drama onto you in a way that feels really draining and depleting and you feel like it kind of sucks all the oxygen out of your communication and there's no space for anything else, or you don't feel like they're really checking in on how things are going for you, you might share that, obviously in a sensitive way, but saying something like, like, I've noticed that a lot of our conversations recently are mostly you sharing stuff that's going on and I feel like it's become a bit imbalanced.
[00:19:21]:
Like I'm just holding space for you. And while I obviously want to be able to support you, I'd love if maybe we could talk about other things or if you'd check in with how I'm going, because I've had some stuff on my plate as well and it feels like there hasn't been much space for that. You know, those are the sorts of conversations that we want to be able to have in our friendships because ultimately they are facilitative of greater depth and honesty and trust and connection. And if a friendship can't survive a conversation like that, if it can't take honest communication, then that's probably quite telling as to the sturdiness of the friendship. So it's certainly something to think about if there are ongoing points of tension or friction or frustration for you in some of your friendships, considering what it might look like to have an honest, open conversation with that person or those people, people about what's been bothering you and what a better way might look and feel like from your perspective and obviously opening it up to them as well and inviting their perspective on what would feel good too. Okay, I'm going to leave it there. I feel like I could keep talking about this for a long time, so maybe we need to have a follow up. Or I could get some sort of adult friendship expert on to share their wisdom as well.
[00:20:36]:
But I do hope that this has been a helpful introduction at least to attachment styles and friendships and how those attachment patterns can show up in the domain of friendships, how we might navigate the various challenges that friendships can throw up what it might look like to cultivate healthier, more balanced, sustainable friendships. I really hope that it's given you something to reflect on and do. Let me know if you found it helpful and if you'd like me to revisit this topic or certain aspects of it, always open to your feedback and further suggestions so let me know. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:21:18]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, friendships, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, fearful avoidant, dismissive avoidant, relationship patterns, insecurity in friendships, emotional depth, friendship breakups, people pleasing, emotional wounds, non-exclusive friendships, reciprocity in friendships, friendship boundaries, conflict in friendships, overfunctioning, underfunctioning, emotional dumping, friendship dynamics, friendship needs, monogamous relationships, vulnerability, intimacy, friendship imbalances, communication in friendships, trust in friendships, repairing friendships, childhood wounds, friendship exclusion