#204: Why You Keep Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns
Do you ever feel like you’re stuck in a loop—different relationships, different people, but somehow the same story playing out again and again? Maybe you’ve caught yourself wondering, “Why do I always end up with emotionally unavailable people?” or “How do I keep attracting partners who eventually pull away?” If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. There are real reasons why these patterns repeat—and understanding them is the first step to breaking free.
Do you ever feel like you’re stuck in a loop—different relationships, different people, but somehow the same story playing out again and again? Maybe you’ve caught yourself wondering, “Why do I always end up with emotionally unavailable people?” or “How do I keep attracting partners who eventually pull away?”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. There are real reasons why these patterns repeat—and understanding them is the first step to breaking free.
The Pull of the Familiar
One of the most important things to recognize is that relationships aren’t just about what we want—they’re about what feels familiar to us. Even if that familiarity is painful, our nervous systems are wired to gravitate toward what they know.
This is why someone with a chaotic or inconsistent childhood may feel strangely at home with a partner who is hot-and-cold, unpredictable, or inconsistent. On a conscious level, they may crave stability. But on an unconscious level, inconsistency feels like “home.” It’s what their system knows how to navigate.
In other words, we don’t just seek love—we seek recognizable dynamics.
Repetition Compulsion: Seeking a Different Ending
Psychologists call this repetition compulsion: the tendency to unconsciously re-enact old wounds in an effort to resolve them. We keep being drawn to similar patterns because, on some deep level, we’re hoping that this time the story will end differently.
But unless we do the inner work, it rarely does. Instead, each repeated cycle only reinforces the old painful story—about ourselves, about others, and about love.
The Roles We Learn Early
Many of us also bring roles from our family systems into our adult relationships. If you grew up needing to be the caretaker, the peacemaker, or the “perfect child” to earn love, you may unconsciously seek out situations where those roles can play out again.
It feels safe—even if it leaves you exhausted or unfulfilled—because it’s the role you’ve always known.
Why Healthy Love Can Feel So Uncomfortable
Here’s the paradox: secure, steady, healthy love often feels less comfortable at first. If you’re used to chasing, proving, or anxiously reading every signal, being with someone consistent and available may feel… unnerving. Even “boring.”
That discomfort isn’t a sign that secure love isn’t right for you. It’s simply a sign that your nervous system isn’t used to it yet.
Breaking the Cycle
So what does it take to break free from these patterns? A few key steps:
Build Awareness
Map out your past relationships and look for recurring themes—what drew you in, what challenges arose, how you responded. Patterns become easier to shift once you can see them clearly.Take Responsibility
Ask yourself: What is it in me that’s drawn to this dynamic? This isn’t about blame—it’s about empowerment. You can’t change someone else, but you can change what you choose and tolerate.Pause the Pattern
If you notice yourself being pulled into the same type of relationship again, hit pause. You won’t heal your patterns while you’re still actively enacting them.Clarify What You’re Truly Looking For
Go beyond attraction. Write down the qualities, values, and emotional experiences you want in a relationship—and the ones you won’t settle for. Use that clarity as your compass.Build Your Capacity for Secure Love
Learn to regulate your nervous system, practise receiving care, and allow yourself to rest in consistency. Over time, your system will learn that secure love is safe, too.
Final Thoughts
If you find yourself stuck in repeating patterns, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It means there’s a part of you that believes safety lies in the familiar—even if it hurts. The work is about gently teaching yourself a new kind of safety, one rooted in self-worth, boundaries, and the willingness to choose differently.
It’s not easy—but it is possible. And on the other side is the kind of love that doesn’t just repeat your past, but helps you write a new future.
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Foreign hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about why you keep repeating the same relationship patterns and dynamics. So this is going to be something that a lot of people will relate to. Whether you're actively dating at the moment and you feel like you're cycling through different versions of the same person, or maybe you've had a series of long term relationships in your life that upon reflection, have a similar look and feel to them. I think that this can be a point of frustration for so many of us, particularly when we like to think that we're doing the work and we're cultivating more awareness and intentionality around it. And yet we gravitate towards similar dynamics that are maybe not in alignment with what we are desiring for ourselves and our relationships.
[00:01:20]:
And I think that that can be somewhat disheartening when the thing that we say we want is so far from the thing that we end up becoming attached to and yet this is something that so many of us will have experienced and will relate to. And so in today's episode, I want to dig into that a little more why it is that we might be drawn to. We might gravitate towards people, feelings, dynamics, patterns that are not what we say we want or that are not healthy or that are not in service of our deeper desires around partnership. Maybe you keep finding yourself going, going after people who are really, really affectionate and loving at first and then suddenly ghost you. Or you keep finding yourself in relationship with people who have a lot of unhealed trauma or other heavy burdens or untreated addiction. So many different things that again, it's not like we're heading out into the world trying to find these kinds of patterns and yet we might really consistently end up in them. And as I always say to people who kind of throw their hands up and say, I don't know why I keep att emotionally unavailable people or I don't know why I keep attracting immature, avoidant this, that and the other, my response is always to turn the question around and ask, what is it within you that is drawn to these people? Because in most cases, connections are a two way street and we are part of that equation, right? We are drawn to people as well. Something within us lights up and goes, oh yes, I feel a spark there.
[00:02:53]:
I feel some attraction, I feel some intrigue and I am drawn to that person. So taking ownership of that. And as always, this is not about blame or fault. It's just about recognition of the part that we might play and the pieces within us that might be drawn to those dynamics and getting curious as to why, as to what need that might be meeting, why that might be more comfortable for us than the thing that we say we want. And ultimately, as a good rule of thumb, our reality will always reflect what the deeper parts of us feel is safe, even if it's painful. Sometimes uncomfortable and painful are actually more comfortable than the vulnerability of doing something differently. And that's what we're going to be digging into a bit today. So before we get into today's episode, a couple of quick reminders for folks who are in or around London.
[00:03:49]:
I am going to be in town very soon on the 13th of September. I'm holding an event in London. It's going to be a lovely intimate talk, Q and A, meet and greet, a beautiful opportunity to gather with me and like minded others. It's not a workshop, so it's not something if you're a little bit nervous or shy and you don't like the idea of having to kind of talk, it's not like that. I'm going to be the one talking. And while there'll be opportunity for people to ask questions and interact, there's certainly no pressure to. So if that feels a little daunting, the idea of going along to something where you have to be visible and vocal, fear not. That is not what this is.
[00:04:28]:
But equally if you'd like that, there will be scope for you to do that too. So if you're in or around London and you are free on the 13th of September, I would so love to see you there. The link to buy tickets is in the show Notes. Second thing is just to mention, if you haven't already, I know many of you have. If you haven't checked out my free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love everything that we're going to be talking about in today's episode is very much in keeping with what I go into in far more depth there. It's about a 75 minute free training so I definitely encourage you to check that out, register, find a time to come along because it is packed with information and insight and takeaways and I would love to Be able to share that with you if that appeals. Okay, so let's get into this conversation around why you keep ending up in the same relationship pattern. So this is a very well established trope.
[00:05:19]:
I mean, the concept of repetition compulsion goes way back to early psychoanalysis, psychotherapy. This idea that we continue to seek out opportunities to reenact our wounds and our past traumas and our unhealed stuff. Like we will continue to gravitate towards people who allow us to play out those stories in an unconscious bid to seek resolution or to find a different ending to the story. A similar concept is put forward by Harville Hendricks and Helen Le Kelly Hunt in their book Getting the Love youe Want. If you haven't read that book, I really encourage you to check it out. They're the creators of Imago Therapy, a couple couples therapy modality. And what they suggest is that we gravitate towards partners who exhibit a mix of the positive and negative traits of our caregivers. And so there's this unconscious pull, almost a magnetic force that draws us to people who have a similar imprint and who interact with our nervous system in a similar way to our earliest blueprint for what love and connection looks and feels like.
[00:06:27]:
And if that sounds a little bit far fetched to you, if you're thinking like, no, I'm definitely not just going and trying to date people who remind me of my parents, I totally hear you. I had that reaction when I first heard it. And I also had the story that my past relationships were all quite different and the people were all quite different. And that didn't really apply to me. When I looked more closely and asked some more incisive questions, it became clear that it's not necessarily about the outward traits or characteristics of the people that you're dating. It's about the deeper dynamics and the roles that you fall into and how that might be reminiscent of roles you've played before. And I think that that's really at the heart of a lot of this is of course, if we have adapted in a family system where we had to become very good at caretaking everyone else's needs, for example, or we had to always try and be good and perfect in order to be lov or to get attention or approval. And maybe if we made a mistake, we had love or connection withdrawn.
[00:07:34]:
And so we were always hyper focused on being perfect, never making a mistake, never slipping up. And now we have this really strong perfectionistic streak, or we were a really good peacemaker and learned how to attune to everyone else's moods and needs and to go around and mediate between all of the conflict and chaos that might have been happening around us. Like there are so many different roles that we can be funnelled into and ways that we can develop in a system that might be under stress or strain. And so as we get older and that, you know, becomes part of who we are in a sense in that it fuses with our identity that we are the helpful one, or we are the good one, or we are the caring one and we are the self sacrificing one, all of these different kind of traits and identities that we can take on, I think so much of the time those things can become fused with our sense of our worth and value. So if I have come to believe that my value resides in my ability to take care of everyone, my ability to not cause a fuss, not be difficult, to make myself easy to love by having no or low needs, all of these things, I think when they become intertwined with our sense of what makes me lovable, what makes me valuable to people, then it makes a lot of sense that we would end up in relationships where we get to play that out. Because on some level we believe that that's what makes me lovable, that's what's going to earn me someone's love. And I'm really well adapted to functioning in an environment where that feels true. So if I then pursue a relationship with someone who's sometimes available but sometimes not, sometimes really loving, but then sometimes really cold and aloof and confusing in their behaviour, while a person with a different imprint to me might look at that and go, I'm not really up for that, that doesn't really work for me.
[00:09:30]:
I really value consistency in a partner and so I'm not really interested in investing time and energy with someone who leaves me guessing. For me, having a background of a chaotic home environment or feeling like love was conditional, or feeling like everything could change at a moment's notice and I always had to be on high alert. Again, this is just speaking by way of example. My system might not register that person's behaviour as a problem and actually might light up and go, aha. I know how to with this. I know how to respond to inconsistency. I know how to respond to unpredictability. Like I was made for this, right? This is my sweet spot.
[00:10:06]:
This is my zone of genius, is kind of tiptoeing around and gathering information and being hyper alert and hypersensitive to any shifts in temperature. This is really like what I am so good at because I've had so much practise. And so even though it's not what we want, we might say, like, no, I want a secure relationship. I don't want to have to be so on edge all the time. I just want to be able to rest and trust and receive. We don't have much practise at resting in love or trusting in love or receiving someone's unconditional love. And so the thing that we don't have much practise in is not going to feel comfortable. And there's probably a big part of you that does not feel worthy or deserving of that kind of love and that feels much more at home with the unpredictable love, the inconsistent love, the unavailable person, all of those things.
[00:10:59]:
It's really important to recognise that if you keep ending up with that, there's something within you that feels safer and more comfortable in that than the alternative. And to be clear, if you're listening to this and feeling like I'm broken or there's something wrong with me, I just want to really emphasise that this is not meant to discourage you. It's actually meant to offer you an insight and an invitation into curiosity to ask the question of, like, okay, clearly there's some incongruence within me. There's some polarisation of one part of me wants healthy love, and yet I keep coming up against these dynamics that are so far away from that thing that I say I want. So there is another part of me, or maybe several other parts of me that are, quote, unquote, sabotaging that, which is really just to say that have their own agenda and that think that they are protecting me in some way by continuing to engage in other relationship dynamics that are less healthy. Okay. And a really neat little exercise that you can do to get a bit more clarity on this is write down a relationship timeline of your past few relationships and maybe you can write down, at the start, I was drawn to whatever traits and qualities and I felt with them, however I felt. And then when things started to shift, what were the feelings that came up, what were the challenges and how did I respond? And then as it started to unravel or those sorts of, you're just mapping out the trajectory of the relationship in terms of both what happened outwardly, but also what the feeling tone was.
[00:12:40]:
And notice if you see any patterns or trends there. And notice, like, in that, what was I hoping for at each stage? Maybe at the start I was hoping that this person was going to Be the one that was going to change everything for me. And then when they started to pull away, I was hoping that I could get things back to how they were. I was worried that I'd done something wrong and so I tried to suppress myself or try to make them happy when they started to pull away, or I worried that I wasn't attractive enough and they were losing interest in me. Like all of these things that are very rich and fertile in terms of our own understanding of self, because so much of that is about us and not them. The stories that we tell ourselves, the meaning that we make from things that happen in our relationship tells us so much more about us than it will ever tell us about them. So what does it take to actually shift this? I wish there was like a quick and easy thing that I could give you. I really think the broader work of healing, coming home to yourself, building awareness of all of these things, building your relationship skills, regulating your nervous system, like all of it kind of funnels into ultimately changing your patterns of attraction.
[00:13:50]:
I think one really big and important piece is that if you know you are actively pursuing and engaging with someone who lights your system up in these ways, who pulls you into patterns of uncertainty, self doubt, anxiety, you've got to be so self responsible about the extent to which you continue to choose to engage with those people. Because you will not shift your patterns while you are enacting your patterns. Right when you are so deep in them and you are feeling so fear driven and reactive. It's a bit of a fantasy to think that you're going to be able to grow out of your patterns while you're still really actively engaging with them. Because really think about it, if we think of these patterns as protective strategies, if we're still in the war zone, we're not going to put down our weapons, so to speak. That's probably an imperfect analogy, as most of my analogies are, but you get the point. Like if I'm still in the environment or I'm still experiencing the conditions that my protective strategies are purpose built for, why would I let them go? I wouldn't. It doesn't make sense to.
[00:14:50]:
There's wisdom in those strategies. When you are still in relationships that are marked by those traits of inconsistency, unpredictability, volatility and so on. So expecting yourself to be able to shift while you're still deep in it is probably not realistic. And that's a really important thing to realise is that every time that you reenact the cycle again with a new person or with the same person. If you aren't doing things differently, if you're just doing what you've always done and you're replaying it over and over again, you're strengthening and reinforcing the pattern because you're reinforcing all of the painful stories about yourself, about relationships, about other people. You're just collecting more evidence in favour of the old way. So there's gotta be some self responsibility and some agency that goes along with the awareness to say like, okay, I've got to do things differently, I've got to turn left where previously I would have turned right. I've got to actually take action in the direction of a new way.
[00:15:46]:
If I want to shift this for myself. And I think that so many people, I hear this all the time from students in my programmes, like I can't do it, I'm not strong enough, I can't detach, I can't let go, I can't walk away. And even though that feels really true, I think the more true thing is I don't want to because it's too uncomfortable. And I think when we can shift to a more honest thing, that then puts a spotlight on the agency and the self responsibility and it really holds a mirror up to the fact that we do have choice. It's just a hard choice to make. And I think that that can be quite a confronting but ultimately empowering thing is, rather than just saying I can't, saying I don't want to because it's too hard. So that's a really important first step is choosing to no longer engage with those patterns if you're actively in them or at least if you're in them, saying like, I'm not just going to keep doing things the old way, I'm going to set boundaries, I'm going to speak up for myself, I'm going to follow through. If I say that I won't tolerate something, I'm not going to continue to chase people or pursue people who are not showing interest in me, who are unsure about me.
[00:16:49]:
Like all of those things, you've really got to step up there if you want to shift these patterns and then secondary to all of that, perhaps if you're not in it at the moment, is going into new relationships getting so clear on what qualities you are available for and unavailable for. So again, I've spoken about this so many times, like if you don't have some sort of framework for what you are looking for in a partner and a relationship beyond attraction and they like Me, you're going to end up in those dynamics because if you are just leaving it to your subconscious to pick a partner for you, you are going to be picking a partner who slots into your old patterns, almost certainly, because that's where your attraction is going to go. Now, this isn't to say that that you have to pursue relationships with people who you feel zero attraction to. I think attraction is still important, of course, but it has to sit alongside more intentional assessments of compatibility and value alignment. So getting clear on what are my values, how do I want my relationships to feel, what are my red flags, so to speak? I tend not to use that language because I find it to be a bit inflammatory and alarmist. But what are the things that, that signal to me, both in terms of the way I am feeling and my behaviour, that this feels familiar in a not so good way? And what are the things in them that would signal to me like, maybe this is not the right person for me? Until you have clarity on that, you are going to be much more susceptible to just like, going with the flow. And the flow will probably take you to places where you don't want to be, because if we just follow those familiar feelings, we will end up in familiar places almost every time. Okay, I'm going to leave it there.
[00:18:21]:
I hope that that has been helpful in giving you a bit of a sense of, like, why do I keep drawn to these familiar patterns and people and dynamics? Even though I want a secure relationship? I do think we have to get honest around, like, am I ready for a secure relationship? And the truth is, secure relationships are really vulnerable in ways that insecure ones or dysfunctional ones, unhealthy ones kind of aren't. Again, because all of our protective strategies are kind of poised and at the ready in those unhealthy relationships because we know them so well. We can feel a little bit naked in a healthy relationship where there's nowhere to hide, suddenly we can't blame someone else. We can't point the finger and say, like, you're not paying enough attention to me, or you are not giving me enough affection, or you're so inconsistent. I never know how you feel if someone suddenly shows up and is really upfront and clear and consistent and steady, that might actually feel really, really scary for you. And so getting honest about, like, are there maybe pieces within me that aren't ready for that or that are resisting that? Because it is, is so uncomfortable in its unfamiliarity. And I do have a couple of episodes that touch more on that last piece that I'll link below. Okay guys, thank you so much for joining me.
[00:19:36]:
I really hope that this has been helpful. As always. Thank you to those of you who leave me comments and reviews and ratings. It all helps so much and I'm immensely grateful as always for your support. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:19:51]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
relationship patterns, attachment styles, repeating dynamics, insecure relationships, healthy relationships, emotional unavailability, anxious attachment, healing attachment, relationship coach, self-awareness, self-worth, consistency in relationships, nervous system, repetition compulsion, childhood wounds, trauma, imago therapy, Harville Hendrix, boundaries, red flags, attraction, dating, vulnerability, secure relationships, unmet needs, self-sabotage, perfectionism, self-responsibility, people-pleasing, inner child healing, relationship skills
#203: How to Soften Your Inner Critic and Forgive Yourself for the Past
If you’ve ever felt like you’re your own harshest critic, you’re not alone. Most of us carry an inner voice that points out our flaws, reminds us of past mistakes, and convinces us we’re not good enough. And while that voice can feel punishing, here’s the surprising truth: your inner critic isn’t trying to hurt you—it’s trying to protect you.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re your own harshest critic, you’re not alone. Most of us carry an inner voice that points out our flaws, reminds us of past mistakes, and convinces us we’re not good enough. And while that voice can feel punishing, here’s the surprising truth: your inner critic isn’t trying to hurt you—it’s trying to protect you.
The problem isn’t that this part of you exists. The problem is that it often uses shame and self-blame as tools for protection, and those rarely lead to the kind of growth and healing we’re hoping for. So rather than trying to silence or banish your inner critic, what if you learned to soften it, to understand what it’s really trying to do, and to extend compassion—even to this critical part of yourself?
That’s what we’re exploring today: how to develop a healthier relationship with your inner critic, bring more self-compassion into the mix, and move toward true self-forgiveness.
The Protective Role of the Inner Critic
It might sound counterintuitive, but your inner critic is actually trying to keep you safe.
That voice that says, “You need to do better,” or “Don’t be too needy, or people will leave”? It’s often rooted in fear—fear of rejection, fear of repeating painful mistakes, fear of losing connection.
Seen through this lens, self-criticism is a misguided attempt at protection. By keeping you “in line,” your inner critic believes it’s preventing you from getting hurt.
When we can recognize this protective intent, it changes the conversation. Instead of being at war with ourselves, we can turn toward this part of us with curiosity and even gratitude: “I see you’re trying to keep me safe. Thank you for caring.”
That simple shift softens the edges of self-criticism, making space for compassion instead of more blame.
Self-Compassion Is Not Letting Yourself Off the Hook
One of the biggest fears people have about practicing self-compassion is that it means lowering standards or avoiding responsibility.
But self-compassion is not the same as avoidance. It doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes or pretending everything you’ve done was fine. Rather, it’s about acknowledging the humanity behind your choices.
Every action—even those you regret—came from a place of trying to meet a need, avoid pain, or navigate fear. When you recognize this, you can hold yourself accountable from a place of compassion, instead of shame.
And here’s the key: shame does not lead to meaningful change. In fact, it tends to keep us stuck in old patterns, spiraling into more fear-driven or self-sabotaging behaviors. Compassion, on the other hand, creates the safety and clarity needed to reflect, take responsibility, and genuinely do things differently next time.
The Path to Self-Forgiveness
Forgiveness is often the missing piece when we’re stuck in self-criticism. We replay our mistakes, beat ourselves up, and carry the heavy residue of regret—without ever reaching the point of release.
True self-forgiveness requires two things:
Reflection and accountability – Honestly acknowledging where we’ve misstepped, without collapsing into shame.
A commitment to doing better – Deciding how we want to respond differently in the future, and putting supports in place to help us follow through.
It’s a lot like repairing a relationship with someone else. A simple “I’m sorry” rarely feels complete unless it’s paired with accountability and a clear commitment to change. The same is true within our inner relationship.
When we reflect deeply, learn the lessons, and then make a clear promise to ourselves about how we’ll act differently, we can finally release the weight of the past and move forward lighter.
Closing the Loop
The journey from self-criticism to self-forgiveness isn’t about silencing your inner critic or excusing your mistakes. It’s about shifting the way you relate to yourself:
Seeing the protective role of your inner critic
Extending compassion instead of punishment
Taking responsibility without spiraling into shame
And finally, forgiving yourself so you can move forward with clarity and confidence
When you practice this, you no longer carry the same burdens of self-blame. You create space to show up in your life and relationships with more openness, intention, and self-trust.
Because the truth is: you can’t punish yourself into growth. But you can love yourself into change.
If this resonates, you might enjoy my free training on How to Heal Anxious Attachment and Finally Feel Secure in Life and Love, where I dive deeper into how self-criticism and shame spirals keep us stuck—and how to break free.
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to be less self critical or how to befriend your inner critic. Now, I think this is something that so many of us struggle with, no matter where we sit on the attachment spectrum. Frankly, I think self criticism is a burden that many of us are very well acquainted with carrying through our lives. And, you know, in thinking about today's episode and how to frame it, I was reflecting that so much of the time, the language we hear around self criticism and our inner critic is like how to silence your inner critic. And I very deliberately steered clear of that framing because as with anxiety and the way I teach about that, I would never say like how to get rid of anxiety or how to eliminate your anxiety, because I don't think that anxiety is the problem.
[00:01:26]:
I actually don't think that your inner critic is a part of you that you need to silence or dominate or erase or destroy or get rid of. Really, I see the inner critic as a part of you that is playing a role that is protective in some way. And that might sound a little funny, as with a lot of our protective parts that engage in behaviours that we might label wrong or bad or inconvenient or unwelcome, ultimately there's some reason, if you are moving through life, moving through the world with this voice in your head that is constantly being hard on you, being judgmental, telling you that you're not good enough, telling you you need to do better, pointing out your flaws, all of those things, blaming you for everything that goes wrong. There's a reason for that. And as we'll talk about today, a big part of shifting that internal environment is actually turning towards our critical parts and seeking to understand their purpose and what they're trying to protect us from, rather than turning our back on them or trying hit the mute button or overpower or overrule them. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, what it means to develop a different kind of relationship with your inner critic, how to forgive yourself, how to be more self compassionate and how shifting that relationship can actually be much more facilitative of change than the approach where we self Flagellate, punish ourselves, blame ourselves. Because oftentimes we can have the story that we need to do all of those things in order to make changes when I find that the opposite is true. Before we get into today's episode, just a quick reminder.
[00:03:11]:
If you are in or around London and you would like to come along to my upcoming event on 13th September, I'm only going to be in town for a couple of days and I'm so looking forward to gathering with an intimate group of like minded folks to share about all things secure relationships and most importantly, how to build a secure relationship with yourself. So if you are interested in coming along, I would so love to see you there. You can purchase tickets via the link in the show notes or by heading straight to my website. Okay, so let's talk about self criticism and the inner critic and what it takes to really shift our internal environment into a more self compassionate one. So as I alluded to in the introduction, self criticism is not just a bad thing that we need to get rid of. I think that kind of mindset is wildly unhelpful because it fails to acknowledge that all of our parts, even the ones that we would rather not be there, are serving some sort of purpose. And for a lot of us, self criticism is serving this role. If we were to sit down, you know, pull up a chair and sit down opposite the part of us that is highly self critical, our inner critic, and sort of project them outwards and sit down and have a conversation with them and say, like, what are you trying to do here? When you are constantly in my ear telling me all of the ways that I've messed up, or I'm not good enough, or people don't like me, or I'm not attractive enough, or I need to change these things about myself, or you know, people always leave me, like all of the things, all of those little voices that can just be playing on repeat these really harsh, punitive, unkind messages, you know, what would be the purpose of that? And being genuinely curious around, like what is this part of me trying to achieve by being so self critical all of the time? And a lot of the time if we dig a little deeper, of course it will be personal to each individual.
[00:05:04]:
But a lot of the time the inner critic is operating from this belief that if I don't keep you in line, something bad's gonna happen. So if I'm constantly telling you to do better, I am carrying this belief that people won't love us unless we're perfect, for example, or If I'm always trying to point out to you where you've messed up, I'm trying to keep you accountable, to not make those mistakes again, because maybe those mistakes led us to a lot of pain and suffering in the past. So if I'm telling you not to be too needy or that you're too sensitive and that you've just got to suck it up and not let someone know that you're upset and really kind of being quite harsh in that respect, maybe that's coming from a deep fear that if you take up too much space, someone's going to leave you. And so when we start to dig a little and scratch the surface, we can see that there is always some sort of protective intent behind even the most hardcore inner critic. You can always find your way to some thread of needing to prove yourself, needing to compensate for a perceived inadequacy, needing to be perfect in order to be lovable, trying desperately to prevent disconnection, trying to avoid a repetition of a past mistake or a past pain. And when we can see that, we can start to empathise and recognise that actually our inner critic is doing a really important job, and that is to try and keep us safe. And it's only when we turn towards that and we can actually recognise and even voice gratitude to that part of us and say, like, I see what you're trying to do. I see how you're trying to keep me safe.
[00:06:43]:
I know how much you care about me and care about this, whatever this is, whether it's your job or your relationships or whatever else. Right away we start to feel this softening, right? Because we stop being at war with ourselves. We stop being in this constant state of wrongness and resistance, making ourselves the bad guy. And we're experiencing this internal dialogue of shame and blame. And then in response to that, we're making ourselves wrong. So we're adding more shame and blame to a system that's already carrying a heavy weight and a heavy burden. So when we can actually lift that weight off our shoulders and instead go, okay, I'm all ears, I want to understand this part of me and really approach that part of ourselves with genuine curiosity and a desire to befriend and support, you will notice that it almost straightaway shifts the internal environment. So extending that olive branch of self compassion, both towards ourselves more broadly in terms of the things we struggle with, but specifically to our inner critic and any other parts of us that we find hard to accept is a really, really important first step.
[00:07:53]:
Now, what can be a Little tricky there. And something that I know a lot of people have resistance to is what I alluded to earlier around, like I need to keep myself accountable, to do better, to do differently. And just being nice to myself and being kind to myself isn't that tantamount to letting myself off the hook, right? So our inner critic can be, you know, pretty firm and can grip pretty tightly to this sense of I need to keep us in line and just being nice and being all warm and fuzz. There can be parts of us that have a lot of resistance to that and that's totally valid and we want to recognise and acknowledge that. And the reassurance that I want to offer, if you are sitting there and having that resistance of like, yeah, I'm not just going to let myself off the hook here because maybe I've made real mistakes or maybe I have acted out of integrity or there are things that I'm really deeply ashamed of or that I really feel a lot of regret and remorse about. What I'd offer to you is that it's actually only in being self compassionate. So in recognising the humanity underneath whatever we did or whatever we've struggled with, recognising that we're always all doing our best and that whatever you might have done that you're so hard on yourself about, there's always some sort of reason, right? Like you were trying to get a need met or you were trying to avoid pain, or you were acting from fear. There's always something really valid that sits underneath whatever it is that we do.
[00:09:21]:
Even if the thing that we do is not something that we're super proud of, it's only in bringing self compassion to that that we can start to actively, meaningfully engage with and learn the lessons of. Whatever the thing is that we've experienced, whatever we're trying to shift away from. If we adopt a shaming and blaming approach, I promise you there's no meaningful growth that comes from that because it's just as I said, leads to more collapsing, more contraction, more shame and blame and we spiral downwards. That means that we have lower self esteem, lower self worth, and from that place we're much more likely to engage in further fear driven, scarcity driven, you know, dysregulated behaviours because our system is under so much stress. So really, in order to engage meaningfully with regret, with past mistakes, in order to actually forgive ourselves and take responsibility and do something differently, we have to have a level of self compassion. Criticism and punishment is not the way to go. I Mean, we know this now in parenting, we know this in like the world of discipline, that that's a very old school approach to try and overpower and intimidate and criticise and punish someone into behaviour change, that is just not the most effective way to elicit behaviour change. It just tends to be a very high stress, fear driven system.
[00:10:47]:
And that's not the way we want to be approaching our in a relationship. So really in bringing more self compassion where we are not condoning behaviour, we are not letting ourselves off the hook, we're not saying like, okay, now it's totally fine. Everything that I might have done, all the mistakes I might have made, that is really not my approach at all. I'm so big on self responsibility and honest reflection and engagement with owning our staff. But we can only do that when we've actually taken some of the charge out and shame just doesn't allow us to do that. So offering that by way of reassurance to any parts of you that might be resistant to the idea of self compassion, the idea of approaching ourselves with a gentler, more curious way of relating rather than one that is intensely self critical as a way to kind of spur on change or growth. Now last but not least, I want to talk a little about self forgiveness because again, I think that this is kind of the way that we complete the cycle. Because when we're just stuck in the self critical phase, we tend not to go deep enough to actually get to the place of forgiving ourselves.
[00:11:54]:
So we might just feel the shame about the thing that we've done or what we lack or whatever other judgments we're making, but we don't get to those deeper layers of reflecting and learning the lesson, as I just said, and then forgiving ourselves. So in my mind, self forgiveness is really only something that we can do when we've created some accountability and there's enough trust there that we can say like, I am not going to do this again. Here's what I'm going to do differently next time. Like in a relationship, any relationship, an apology where someone just says I'm sorry, it doesn't really land on a deep level. We want to see someone engage with the mistakes they might have made, the hurt they might have caused, and to show some recognition and acknowledgement of what they're going to do differently next time, what the commitment is, so that we then trust in that apology and we can, you know, feel a sense of resolution and repair. The same is true for our own inner relationship. And again, this is not possible when we're just in this really heavy state of self criticism and shame and blame. So it's only when we can, you know, detach a little from that, soften a little, really reflect deeply on where we've misstepped along the way, the things that we regret, the things that we might feel ashamed of, the choices that we've made, the ways that we've conducted ourselves, you know, engaging with that and going, yeah, that wasn't in alignment with who or how I want to be.
[00:13:24]:
That wasn't me being my best self. Maybe that did not reflect my values. Maybe I was being very reactive from a place of fear. And it's not about trying to then frantically unravel or undo all of that and go back and apologise to people and explain yourself and do all of the things. It's just about being able to hold it within yourself and see it within yourself and go, okay, knowing what I now know, having the clarity and the self awareness that I now possess, what would I do differently next time? And what safeguards might I put in place in order to support myself to choose this new way over the old way that might be my habituated response in those conditions of stress or fear or overwhelm. So that is what really allows you to feel this sense of completeness and resolution around self forgiveness and the mistakes that you've made in the past so that you can really make peace with the past and feel like you don't have all of these open loops there, all of these things that you're still holding a lot of heaviness and residue around. Because I think for a lot of us we do that, we just turn our backs on the things we regret or we obsess over them, but from a place of rumination rather than true engagement and reflection. So I hope that that has given you a different way of relating to self criticism, to self blame, to self responsibility, to self compassion.
[00:14:45]:
These are all absolutely crucial in nurturing and fostering a really positive relationship with ourselves that allows us to then go out into the world carrying fewer burdens from a more open hearted place, a place that does allow us to be more deliberate and intentional about show up. Because we've owned our stuff, we've gotten clear and we've got a plan on how we're going to do things differently next time. And you know, we're really ready to commit to ourselves and honour ourselves in that way rather than just doing the old thing out of habit or out of reactivity or out of shame because we're in that spiral that can so easily happen when we're inhabiting a very punitive inner environment. So I hope that that's been helpful. If what I've shared in this episode resonates with you, consider checking out my free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love. I talk about the shame spirals that we can get into when we have negative beliefs about ourselves. Like there's something wrong with me, I'm broken and that can fuel certain behaviours that are coming from a place of fear that in turn add to the shame and the self blame and the sense of brokenness and so we can get stuck in these really negative downward spirals in terms of our inner relationship and self image. So I talk about that in quite a lot of detail in the training, amongst many other things.
[00:16:09]:
So if what we've chatted about today has resonated with you, definitely consider checking out my free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love. Okay guys, going to leave it there. Thanks so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:16:27]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
self criticism, inner critic, self compassion, attachment, relationships, self blame, shame, self forgiveness, self reflection, personal growth, behaviour change, self responsibility, accountability, self awareness, overcoming insecurity, secure relationships, anxious attachment, perfectionism, self worth, self esteem, emotional regulation, practical tools, self acceptance, self improvement, fear, rumination, regret, relationship with self, healthy relationships, vulnerability, self discovery