#208: Anxious Attachment & the Fear of Infidelity
If you have an anxious attachment style, the fear of your partner cheating can feel absolutely overwhelming. Of course, no one enjoys the idea of infidelity—but for someone with anxious attachment, it hits on a much deeper, more painful level. Let’s explore why this fear shows up, how it manifests, and what you can do to feel safer and more secure—both within yourself and your relationships.
If you have an anxious attachment style, the fear of your partner cheating can feel absolutely overwhelming. Of course, no one enjoys the idea of infidelity—but for someone with anxious attachment, it hits on a much deeper, more painful level.
It can trigger spirals of anxiety, hypervigilance, and even self-blame. And while these reactions might feel “irrational,” they make complete sense once we understand what’s happening underneath the surface.
Let’s explore why this fear shows up, how it manifests, and what you can do to feel safer and more secure—both within yourself and your relationships.
Why the Fear of Infidelity Feels So Intense
At the heart of anxious attachment are fears of abandonment, rejection, and not being enough. Many anxiously attached people carry deep-rooted beliefs like:
“People always leave me.”
“I have to work hard to be loved.”
“If I were enough, they wouldn’t leave.”
Because of these core wounds, the idea of a partner cheating doesn’t just represent betrayal—it confirms our worst fears about ourselves. It feels like proof that we’re unworthy or unlovable.
For many women, this also shows up through insecurity about physical appearance. Society often teaches women to link their worth to beauty and desirability, which can amplify the anxiety around infidelity. The thinking becomes: “If I were more attractive, they wouldn’t stray.”
And since anxious attachment develops in response to inconsistent love—love that’s “sometimes there, sometimes not”—it’s easy to understand why any sign of potential rejection feels catastrophic.
The Nervous System’s Role
For the anxiously attached nervous system, information equals safety. When something feels uncertain—like whether a partner is being faithful—the body goes into overdrive trying to “solve” the mystery.
That’s why secrecy can feel unbearable. The thought that something might be happening behind your back—especially something painful—can be intolerable. It’s the nervous system’s way of saying, “We need to know everything so we can stay safe.”
If you’ve been cheated on in the past, this sensitivity is even more understandable. The brain and body remember the pain of betrayal and go on high alert to prevent it from happening again.
This isn’t paranoia—it’s protection. But it’s protection that can come at the expense of peace.
When Fear Meets Relationship Dynamics
The anxious-avoidant dynamic can make this fear even more pronounced.
Privacy vs. secrecy: For avoidant partners, privacy is often about autonomy. For anxious partners, it can feel like danger. So when an avoidant partner sets a boundary (“Please don’t go through my phone”), the anxious partner’s brain might immediately translate that as, “They’re hiding something.”
Sexual withdrawal: Many avoidant partners pull away sexually as relationships deepen—a natural response to fears of enmeshment. But for the anxious partner, a sudden drop in intimacy can feel like proof that something’s wrong or that someone else has captured their attention.
These patterns often feed into each other, with anxious behaviours (like snooping or excessive questioning) creating more distance, which in turn confirms the anxious person’s worst fears.
How Fear of Infidelity Shows Up
Common patterns include:
Checking phones, social media, or messages for “proof”
Interrogating subtle changes in tone, behaviour, or communication
Feeling threatened by others your partner interacts with
Overanalyzing intimacy or affection (“They didn’t kiss me goodnight—something’s wrong”)
Seeking constant reassurance (“You’re not going to leave me, right?”)
While these behaviours come from a desire for safety, they often push the relationship further into insecurity—especially if the partner feels accused or distrusted.
The Hard Truth (and Liberating Realization)
As painful as it is to admit, if someone is determined to cheat, you can’t stop them.
Surveillance, control, and reassurance-seeking might offer temporary relief, but they don’t build true safety or trust. In fact, they often create more anxiety.
Real trust requires letting go of control—and that’s deeply uncomfortable for someone whose nervous system equates control with safety. But it’s also the only way to create genuine security in a relationship.
If trust has been broken, rebuilding it requires real repair, not just forced reassurance. But if it hasn’t, then the work lies in self-regulation and self-worth, not endless monitoring.
What Helps
Build self-worth
The less you believe you’re “not enough,” the less power the fear of infidelity has. When your sense of worth is internal, you’re not as easily shaken by external threats.Regulate your nervous system
Notice when your anxiety spikes. Try grounding exercises, deep breathing, or soothing self-talk (“I’m safe right now”).Communicate clearly, not reactively
Instead of interrogating, share what’s underneath: “Sometimes I feel scared of losing you. Can we talk about what helps me feel safe?”Create a foundation of trust, not control
Ask yourself: “Am I trying to build trust, or am I trying to control?” Choose actions that foster connection, not fear.
Coming Home to Yourself
The fear of infidelity loses its grip when you trust that you can handle whatever happens.
When you know your worth, when you have tools to self-soothe, and when you no longer see someone else’s choices as a reflection of your value—that’s when real freedom begins.
Because security doesn’t come from monitoring someone else.
It comes from finally choosing not to abandon yourself.
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we are talking about the fear of infidelity amongst anxiously attached people. So if you're someone with anxious attachment, as I know many of you are and you're listening to this, the fear of your partner cheating on you, or if you're not in a relationship, the idea of being cheated on is probably immensely painful and distressing. Now, of course that's going to be true for anyone. No one likes the idea of being cheated on. But frank anxiously attach people, it's on another level.
[00:01:00]:
In most cases there is intense fear and anxiety and as we'll talk about today, that makes a lot of sense. Having regard to the core fears and wounds and beliefs at the heart of anxious attachment, around not being enough, around it being our job to make people love us and keep them close and prevent disconnection, our fears around abandonment and rejection, all of these things can go into a bit of a melting pot and mean that the fear of someone cheating on us, the idea of someone cheating on us feels so immensely painful and panic inducing to our nervous system such that it can drive all sorts of behaviours like hyper vigilance and snooping and excessive reassurance seeking, all of those sorts of things which, as we'll come to, can actually create more disconnection in our relationships because, you know, it can really infuse our relationships with a lot of insecurity. So in today's episode I'm going to be talking about why this is so common, what sits underneath it and what you might want to focus on if this is something that you struggle with, how you can support yourself and how you can maybe tackle it as a couple in a relationship in order to not be so viscerally afraid of infidelity all the time. So that's what I'm going to be sharing about today and I do hope that it offers some comfort and reassurance that you are far from alone. This is something that I am answering questions on literally all the time in my healing anxious attachment course and community. It's really no exaggeration to say that this is amongst the top things up there with, you know, jealousy and obviously jealousy and fear of cheating go hand in hand. To some degree it's really up there in terms of the common struggles of anxious attachers in relationships. So you are not alone and there are certainly things that you can do to alleviate some of these fears.
[00:02:52]:
So it's not so all encompassing. And I should say that this is certainly something that I used to struggle with a lot and thankfully is not really something that I pay any attention to now. It is not a fear that I carry with me in the way that I used to at all. So rest assured there is hope. Okay, before we get into today's episode, if you are someone with anxious attachment patterns and you are looking to become more secure within yourself, to get better at knowing how to support yourself through those moments of spiral, to not act out in self destructive ways, I really really encourage you to check out some of my free resources. My ANX Anxious Attachment Starter Kit which has a video where I talk about my own journey with anxious attachment as a workbook and a guided meditation, or my free training on how to heal anxious attachment where I talk about my three part framework around nervous system regulation, core beliefs and secure relationship skills. I've really gone to a lot of effort to create meaningful and helpful free resources so that I can extend that to as many people as possible. So definitely worth checking out if it's something that you are learning about and working with and you want to understand what the path to secure attachment looks like for someone with anxious attachment patterns.
[00:04:04]:
All of those are a really wonderful starting point for you and that is all linked in the show notes. Okay, so let's talk about this. The fear of infidelity, the fear of being cheated on. So maybe we start by talking about why this fear is so intense for anxiously attached people. Now as I mentioned in the introduction, the core fears and core wounds of anxious attachers are around abandonment, rejection and unworthiness. So people always leave me, people don't want me, I'm not good enough, I am not, not worthy enough. And I think probably for women more than men there is a strong focus on not being attractive enough. I think there's an element of societal conditioning there for sure.
[00:04:43]:
But I know anecdotally, having supported many thousands of people through this, that a really common one I hear from women who are struggling with anxious attachment is insecurity around physical appearance and not feeling beautiful, sexy, desirable enough in order to keep their partner's attention and feeling like it's incumbent upon them to make them themselves more beautiful or to guard against other attractive women to stop anything bad from happening to Prevent their partner from going elsewhere, but almost making it their fault, like if I were more beautiful, that wouldn't happen or that wouldn't be a risk factor. So all of these fears are really, really common among anxious attachers. And I think that it naturally flows from the low self worth, from the fear of being left, from the sense of, you know, I always am more invested in the relations than the other person. And it feels like their love and attention is so hard earned and hard won that I'm always striving and working for that that it could go away at a moment's notice. And if you've listened to other episodes of mine where I talk about the origins of anxious attachment, that makes sense because inconsistency is so central to anxious attachment. This idea that love is sometimes there, sometimes not, and we never know when it's going to be taken away. And so being hyper vigilant and hypersensitive, potential threats to the relationship and naturally sexual and romantic betrayal feels very much the top rung of the ladder in terms of extenuating circumstances for abandonment or rejection to take place. I think, you know, if someone breaks up with you just because their feelings have changed, that's no doubt immensely painful.
[00:06:27]:
But if they have been cheating on you, having an affair, going elsewhere, then that feels like much more of a blow to your self esteem because of that comparative element, because they found something in someone else that you lack, or at least that's the story that you're likely to tell yourself. And I think the other extenuating factor there for anxiously attached people in particular is the sense of secrecy. Something was happening behind my back that I was unaware of. And if we think about anxiety and the nervous system, anxiety is all about information and control. And this sense of if I can gather all the information, then I can protect myself. And so the idea of secrecy and things happening behind my back that I was unaware of, and particularly things that are so painful that feels so intolerable to someone with anxious attachment. Now I think it's really important, I probably should have said this at the outset to distinguish between fears around cheating that are based in past experience. And particularly if in the current relationship.
[00:07:35]:
Sometimes people will say to me, you know, I've got such an intense fear of betrayal, or I'm so paranoid about my partner cheating on me. And then they proceed to tell me about all of the other times their partner has cheated on them, or that there have been really serious breaches of trust, but they're still sort of making it a them problem. That they're struggling to trust their partner. And I think that that's a very different set of circumstances to if you just have a generalised abst sense of fear around infidelity that is not grounded in someone's behaviour. If your fear of infidelity is in response to infidelity, then that's a repair problem in my mind more than it is just a paranoia problem. That's a known breach of trust with a very natural consequence. And even if you've had infidelity in past relationships, it makes a lot of sense that in your current relationship that fear would be more present than had you not had that experience in the past. Because again, let's remember that our nervous system is all about predicting and protecting.
[00:08:35]:
So if you've had a very traumatic experience of being cheated on in a relationship, then it makes perfect sense that your system would be warning you about the possibility of that happening again. And, you know, especially if you didn't see it coming before or you were blindsided by it, then hypervigilance is a very natural response to that because your nervous system is saying, you better be on the lookout because remember what happened last time and how it happened without us knowing. So let's make sure we don't get caught off guard again. So I just wanted to mention. Mention that both to validate that if you've had those past experiences, it makes sense that you are naturally more sensitive to the possibility of that or the fear of that happening again. But also to differentiate that and to, I suppose, caution you against being overly hard on yourself if that has been present in your current or past relationships, that it's not just a sensitivity problem, that there may be actual repair that needs to take place in order for you to feel more comfortable about that. I wanted to now talk about why anxious avoidant kind of dynamics can exacerbate this fear that anxiously attached people have around cheating. So I think there are a few features of common anxious avoidant dynamics that can inadvertently fuel this fear that anxiously attached people have.
[00:09:48]:
So one of those is around privacy and secrecy. Now, for anxiously attached people, privacy often feels like secrecy. There can be this sense of if you have nothing to hide, then I should be able to read through your phone and I should be able to read through your journal and all of the things. Because if you have nothing to hide, what's the problem? Right? Anxiously attached people. People. Because anxiety loves information and doesn't like anything being withheld, there can be this sense of privacy being very threatening. And privacy can feel like Secrecy. So the anxiously attached person is likely to have a strong preference for total transparency, whereas the avoidant person is likely to very much value privacy as a matter of principle.
[00:10:29]:
So even if they're not hiding anything, they're unlikely to want you to go through their phone from a principled stance of that's my business and it's not yours. And, you know, they're quite staunchly protective of their boundaries and their space and their separateness, and that's likely to feel very intrusive to them. But naturally, if they are saying, no, you can't look through my phone. For the anxiously attached person who thinks if you have nothing to hide, it shouldn't be a problem, the meaning making that they're likely to engage in from that is, well, they're definitely hiding something from me. So I think that that different way of relating to privacy versus secrecy versus transparency in anxious avoidant relations relationships can absolutely heighten the fears that might already exist in the anxiously attached person around infidelity, cheating, betrayal, breaches of trust. And I think from that place, the anxiously attached person is much more likely to engage in snooping or opportunistically going through a partner's phone if they leave it lying around or something like that, because the phone now represents the holder of all of the secrets. It's the vault that I'm unable to access. And the allure of that is so tempting for someone who is so terrified of secrets but also desperately wants all the information.
[00:11:46]:
I think one of the other big pieces around the fear of cheating, fear of infidelity that can be fueled by anxious avoidant dynamics is the tendency of avoidant partners to pull away sexually as a relationship becomes more serious. And I've spoken about this many times before. I have a YouTube video on why avoidant partners withdraw sexually. So definitely go check that out if you want a more in depth discussion on this specific point. But for the purposes of this discussion, I'll just say that naturally, if things were really sexually intense and fiery and connected at the start of a relationship, and then without explanation, without discussion, someone starts to pull away and lose interest in sex, it's very easy for the anxious partner to make meaning from that and to assume that if they're not getting their needs met here, where are they getting them met? Why have they lost interest in me? And, you know, their loss of interest in you as a sexual partner might feel like a precursor to the relationship ending or, you know, to them seeking out sexual gratification elsewhere. So whether that's happening or not it makes sense that you would have fear around it and insecurity around it if what was once a vibrant sexual relationship suddenly shifts. And there's no explanation or acknowledgement or discussion of why that is happening. So how this fear will often show up in relationships I've sort of already touched on a bit.
[00:13:06]:
But some of the behaviours you're likely to see are excessive. Monitoring, snooping, being very hypervigilant to tiny changes in shift or tone, maybe in social settings, being very wary of so called competitors, people who you see as being a threat to the relationship, asking a lot of questions, kind of interrogating almost how do you know her, how long have you been friends and does she have a partner? And all of these questions that again, if you've got an avoidant partner, are likely to be met with almost defensiveness because they're likely to sound accusatory, because they're almost laced with this subtext of I don't trust you. And that's likely to be quite triggering whether your partner's avoidant or not. Particularly if there isn't any breach of trust. Someone who feels like they're being accused of having done something wrong can have quite a defensive response to that. Some of the other pieces again I've already mentioned, like going through someone's phone, snooping, going through their belongings, looking for clues, looking for evidence, you know, checking their social media, who they're following, who's following them. Have there been any notable changes, noticing any differences in their communication? So are they calling or texting less frequently or is there a change in tone? All of these things are used as instant proof that something really is going on. I've joked many times and it's sort of not funny, but I almost can't help but laugh because even my brain still does this from time to time is if an anxiously attached person can't reach their partner, you know, if they've called them and they've just gone up to the shops or gone to the gym or something and they can't reach them.
[00:14:38]:
Often the catastrophic nature of an anxiously attached brain is that either they're cheating on me or they've been in a terrible accident, right? Like those feel like the only two scenarios that could explain them not picking up the phone. So all of those sorts of very catastrophic interpretations, everything's worst case and everything's confirmation that they are indeed cheating on you. Again, around the intimacy thing, the tendency to over interpret changes in intimacy or affection, sexual frequency, sexual to, you know, even if they're less Engaged during sex. Those sorts of things can all feed into the paranoia and the story of they're definitely cheating on me or something bad is going to happen in that respect. And certainly protest behaviours that are, you know, designed to elicit reassurance. So, you know, poking at a partner, trying to push them and saying like you don't love me or you don't pay attention to me or you don't even find me attractive or anyone else would see that, like that kind of style of communication that is coming from a really stressed place place, but is trying to elicit that reassurance and you know, getting a partner to tell you that there's nothing going on really unequivocally and give you that. But sometimes the way that we go about getting it can actually push someone further away. And that is obviously really disconcerting because if you're saying to someone you don't even love me or you don't even care or you're attracted to her or whatever it might be, if someone doesn't immediately tell you what you want to hear in response to that very persuasively and unequivocally, then again, that can be used to confirm the fear that something's going on even if it isn't.
[00:16:18]:
But just because we haven't really gone about the communication piece in a very mature or self responsible way and so we can almost self sabotage in the way that we go about trying to get that reassurance and then it all backfires because it actually does push someone away. Now, having spent a lot of time talking about why all of this makes so much sense, I do also want to acknowledge that this desire to prevent cheating from happening, while it makes so much sense in the context of anxiety and our nervous system and all of the ways in which we try and protect ourselves, the hard truth is, and for some people this is really liberating, for others it's totally terrifying. If someone's going to cheat on you, you generally can't stop them, right? Snooping and trying to control them and interrogating all of those things. Like if someone is going to breach trust, if someone is going to cheat, no amount of control and surveillance and monitoring is really going to stop them if they are really set on doing that. And frankly, like you wouldn't want to engage in that level of monitoring and surveillance to try and prevent someone from cheating. Because if the only reason they're not cheating on you is because you are watching them like a hawk, that's not a sustainable or secure way of being in relationships. And while it might feel like, well, that's my only option because I'm so scared sometimes we have to take a step back and go, okay, if my obsessive monitoring and surveillance of my partner, my obsessive attempts at control and grip are the only things holding this together and that's the basis upon which I am able to trust, that's not actually trust at all. Right? Trust and control are like opposite ends of a seesaw.
[00:18:00]:
And so the less we trust, the more we try and control. And so I think when we're leaning so heavily on control in our relationships, we have to stop and ask ourselves, like, is this how I want to be in relationships? Relationship? Is control the glue that I want to be using to hold things together here? Or do I need to maybe choose trust and let go of control, notwithstanding that that is going to be hugely uncomfortable and that there are going to be parts of you that are going to tell you, you know, check their phone, ask them for reassurance, do all of the things sometimes we do really need to lead with choice and action rather than being led by feelings. If our feelings are shaped by insecure patterns that we're trying to shift away from. And again, I know I mentioned it earlier, but I' talking here about where there have been known breaches of trust. I think just telling ourselves that we should trust in spite of that is not the medicine in that situation there we need proper repair so that we can rebuild trust gradually. Okay, so I'm going to leave it there. What I will say is some other episodes I've done on jealousy, on self abandonment, on the fear of abandonment. These things are also really useful context for this discussion we've had today.
[00:19:06]:
And as I spoke about in my somewhat recent episode on jealousy, really the core of it and what certainly helped me to share shift these patterns is building self worth. Because I think that fear of someone cheating on you is so much more acute when it would be confirmation of your worst fears that you are unlovable or undesirable or not valuable. So if you aren't harbouring those fears, you are much less likely to look for this very painful evidence and confirmation of that elsewhere. We become a bit more trusting of our value and the fact that our partner loves us us and so less on the lookout for signs that everything's going to implode in the most painful way possible. So the broader work of building self worth is absolutely relevant here as well. Okay, guys, I really hope that this has been helpful. I know it's a really hard one. But know that you are not alone, and I hope that you've connected some dots and built some awareness through the discussion today.
[00:20:02]:
Or if nothing else, you know that it makes sense that you struggle with this. And as I said, far from alone. It's one of the most common things that I am supporting people with with. Okay guys, thanks so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
[00:20:18]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, infidelity, fear of cheating, relationships, insecurity, abandonment, rejection, self worth, jealousy, hypervigilance, reassurance seeking, attachment wounds, nervous system regulation, core beliefs, secure relationship skills, emotional triggers, snooping, trust issues, privacy vs secrecy, avoidant partners, relationship repair, intimacy, sexual withdrawal, self sabotage, surveillance in relationships, reassurance, relationship dynamics, self esteem, healing attachment, attachment course
#207: Why You Feel Secure When You’re Single (But Anxious When You Start Dating)
If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “I feel amazing when I’m single—confident, grounded, totally in control. But the moment I start dating someone I actually like, I spiral into a ball of anxiety”… you’re not alone. This is one of the most common questions I hear: why do we feel secure when we’re single, but suddenly anxious when we enter the dating arena? The short answer? It makes perfect sense. And once you understand why this happens, you can begin to soften the self-judgment and support yourself through it.
If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “I feel amazing when I’m single—confident, grounded, totally in control. But the moment I start dating someone I actually like, I spiral into a ball of anxiety”… you’re not alone.
This is one of the most common questions I hear: why do we feel secure when we’re single, but suddenly anxious when we enter the dating arena?
The short answer? It makes perfect sense. And once you understand why this happens, you can begin to soften the self-judgment and support yourself through it.
The Calm of Singleness
When you’re single, your attachment system is relatively quiet. There are no relational stressors—no one pulling away, not texting back quickly enough, or stirring up fears of rejection. You’re not “in the arena,” so to speak.
You may be thriving in other areas—work, friendships, personal growth—and that can feel like security. But in reality, your attachment wounds aren’t being activated. They’re simply dormant.
The Trigger of New Connection
Attachment styles are essentially patterned responses to relational stress. For someone with anxious attachment, those fears center around abandonment, rejection, or disconnection. For someone more avoidant, the fears are often about being smothered, controlled, or losing autonomy.
When you start dating—when there’s something (or someone) you could lose—those old fears get activated. Suddenly, your nervous system goes into high alert: “This is important. This feels vulnerable. What if I get hurt?”
That’s why you can feel secure while single but fall back into anxious spirals as soon as there’s emotional investment.
Does This Mean You Can Only Heal in Relationship?
Not at all. You can do a tremendous amount of healing when you’re single—building self-worth, creating a full and meaningful life outside of partnership, and learning to soothe your nervous system.
But some fears can only be activated in relationship. For example:
An avoidant person can’t fully work through intimacy fears if they’re never in situations that require real vulnerability.
An anxious person won’t come face-to-face with their deepest abandonment fears unless they’re attached and emotionally invested.
Relationships, by design, bring our stuff to the surface. That’s not failure—it’s the work.
A Reality Check on “Doing the Work”
Even if you’ve done lots of inner work while single, it’s normal for your stuff to resurface once you start dating again. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed or regressed.
Think of it as being invited to practice in real time. Your growth isn’t about never being triggered—it’s about learning how to meet those triggers differently.
Instead of defaulting to old strategies (like clinging, over-texting, or obsessively seeking reassurance), you can notice your anxiety and ask:
“What do I need right now to feel more grounded? How can I support myself without abandoning myself or overwhelming the other person?”
That’s where healing really happens.
The Growth Edge
Dating with an anxious attachment style is inherently vulnerable. You’re excited about someone, which means there’s something to lose. That vulnerability is what kicks up your anxiety.
But vulnerability is also the entry point to deeper connection. The key is learning how to hold yourself with compassion in those moments—so you don’t spiral into self-blame or panic, but instead practice new ways of relating to yourself and others.
Final Thoughts
If you feel secure when single but anxious when dating, you’re not broken—and you’re certainly not alone. It’s not a sign that all your progress has gone out the window. It’s simply your nervous system doing its job, alerting you to perceived risks in connection.
The invitation is to meet those moments with curiosity rather than judgment. To remind yourself: “This makes sense. I can support myself through this. I don’t need to make the anxiety mean something bad.”
Because that’s where your growth edge lies—not in avoiding relationships altogether, but in showing up differently when your fears are activated.
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:00]:
Hey, guys, Steph here. Before today's episode begins, I just wanted to pop in with a quick and time sensitive announcement. For 72 hours only, I am running a flash sale where you can save 40% of my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment.
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:14]:
If you're hearing this, it means that. The sale is still live, but only. For a very limited time. I hardly ever run public flash sales. Like this, so if you've been thinking about joining, now is the time.
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:24]:
Head to the link in the show notes or go directly to my website to grab your spot before the sale ends. Alright, let's get into the episode. You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg. And I'm really glad you're here.
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:55]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am answering the question of why you feel secure when you're single but anxious when you start dating. So this is one that I get a lot. People will reach out to me, whether students in my programmes or people on Instagram or elsewhere with this experience of like, I feel great when I'm single. I feel like I'm totally in control and I've got my shit together and I'm good at my job and it feels like life, life is kind of going well, everything is smooth sailing. And then as soon as I start seeing someone, start talking to someone on an app that I'm interested in, maybe I go on a couple of dates and I lose the plot.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:41]:
I am totally beside myself with anxiety. I spiral into this anxious mess and I hardly recognise myself. What is going on? I thought that I was making strides and I was suddenly secure and then actually I feel really disheartened because it turns out all of my anxious patterns were just lying dormant beneath the surface, waiting to be activ activated by some new connection. So what? What gives? What's going on? Why is that happening? So maybe that's something that you relate to. I know that it is really common and I'm going to be sharing some thoughts today on why that actually makes perfect sense. That is not at all confusing or perplexing to me. That is exactly what I would expect to happen. So I'm going to be talking about why that makes so much sense and perhaps more importantly, how you might relate to that experience and what you can do to try and feel a little bit more ground rather than making that experience a problem and kind of panicking and going, this is bad.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:38]:
I shouldn't be feeling anxious. I was feeling fine before. What does it mean that I'm not feeling fine now? Because obviously all of that meaning making on top of the anxiety that you might be experiencing can take it from bad to worse and can leave you feeling not only insecure and full of doubt, but then like, spiralling about the spiralling. So that's what we're going to be talking about in today's episode. Before we get into that, just a reminder. If you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment, as I know most of my listeners are, and you haven't yet checked out my free training on how to heal Anxious Attachment and finally feel Secure in Life and Love, or my Anxious Attachment starter kit, both of those are really wonderful free resources that you can find in the show notes and on my website. I really, really encourage you to check those out as a starting point, and particularly if you're someone who has this tendency to judge your anxiety as being wrong or bad and the instinct to just try and get rid of it to make your anxiety stop or go away. Those free resources that I've mentioned will be really helpful in explaining to you why that might actually be keeping you stuck, that mindset, and what you can do instead to meaningfully shift the relationship you have with your anxiety, which in turn tends to actually soften some of the anxiety.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:50]:
Ironically, the more we try and control it and make it go away, the louder it gets much of the time. Okay, so let's talk about this. Why would you feel totally secure while single, but suddenly an anxious mess when you start dating someone? So if we take a step back and look at what attachment theory and attachment styles is des, and you might have heard me say before that my preferred way of distilling down the crux of attachment styles is what have we learned to fear in relationships and how have we learned to respond to the fear? Or what are the things that we experience as stressful when it comes to a relationship, and how have we learned to manage the stress? And those habituated patterns of stress and fear and protective strategies are essentially attachment styles, right? So someone with more anxious attachment patterns has learned to fear disconnection, abandonment, rejection, rupture, and the ways that they've learned to manage that are by clinging, gripping, controlling, information gathering, people pleasing, fawning, all of those protective strategies, whereas someone who's more avoidant has learned to fear being smothered, being criticised, being a Failure and being overly depended on in a way that feels like it's out of their depths, being trapped, having their autonomy infringed upon, and the ways that they've learned to protect against that are shying away from emotional depth or intimacy, trying to keep things more casual by resisting commitment. All of those things can be part of the protective strategy of someone with more avoidant patterns. So why is it that you'd feel secure when you're single, but suddenly be propelled into all of your protective strategies in whatever direction? And I should have said at the outset the question was about anxious attachment, but the same will be true for people with other insecure patterns. Right? You might feel really secure when you're single and suddenly very not secure when you start D and the very simple answer is that when you are single, you are not being brought into contact with relational stresses. Right? And if we think of attachment styles and your anxious attachment patterns or your avoidant attachment patterns or fearful avoidant attachment patterns for that matter, as being the things that you do in response to relational stress, there's just no trigger when you're single. So there's nothing for those patterns to be responding to.
Stephanie Rigg [00:06:09]:
So you might be feeling totally in control when you're single, but you're not in the arena when you're single. Right. It's only when you develop an attachment to someone that all of those patterns and all of those fears start to register as being relevant to the situation. They get brought to the surface because that's what they're in response to. They're in response to relationships. That's where they were formed. That's where they play out. Now, you might be wondering and listening to that.
Stephanie Rigg [00:06:37]:
Does that mean that I can only heal when I'm in a relationship? If all of these patterns are just going to lie dormant until I get into a relationship? No. No matter what I'm feeling when I'm single, does that mean that certain things can only be healed there? And I've done a whole episode on this. Is it better to heal while single or in a relationship directly addressing that question? So you can go and listen to that if you want to go deeper. But the short answer is I think there are certainly things that will only come up in relationship and so can only be healed in relationship. So certain fears around intimacy. Right. If you're someone with more avoidant patterns, you're not going to heal your intimacy fears by being single because you're just not being brought into contact with those intimacy fears. If you're maybe having Casual sex with people, or you've got kind of surface level friendships or whatever.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:26]:
You go to work, you catch up with someone for a drink. None of that is bringing you face to face with your deepest fears about intimacy and vulnerability. So you're able to keep that locked away. And for as long as that's locked away, it's still there. It's only when we turn towards those parts of ourselves that we have maybe locked away in the basement that we can develop a new relationship with them and ultimately free them from the burdens that they might have been carrying for a really long time. The same is true for someone with more anxious attachment patterns. You're not going to be face to face with your abandonment fears if you're not in a relationship. You might be feeling insecure about not being in a relationship, but it's not going to be to the same degree as when you're really invested and the stakes feel so high because suddenly there's someone that you're very attached to and you're scared of losing them.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:15]:
That's a completely different set of circumstances to being single and wanting a relationship. So there are certain things that we'll only really be brought into contact with when we're in a relationship and when we are invested and when the stakes do feel high and when we do feel like we've got a lot to lose because that's where we're risking so much and so much is on the line. So naturally our fears and our protective parts are going to be on high alert in those circumstances. With that being said, I still think that there's a lot of work that you can do when you're single or between relationships in order to better prepare yourself to do that work once you get into a relationship at whatever future point. So it's not to say that time spent between relationships is wasted and you can't be doing any meaningful work on yourself. I think the opposite is true, particularly if you're someone with more anxious patterns. There's huge value in learning to build a beautiful, fulfilling, rich life between relationships, because your starting point might be always needing a relationship in order to feel like you're enough or like your life has value. Always orienting your identity around being someone's partner.
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:28]:
So learning to stand on your own two feet and learning to feel really good about yourself I think is absolutely valuable and worthwhile work to do when you're single. But that's not to say that you're going to have a really smooth transition back into relationships. And I think that's an important kind of reality check and expectation realignment that a lot of people need. That even if you've done a lot of work, when you get into a relationship, your stuff is going to come up. And that's probably true even for secure people. Right. That relationships are uniquely triggering and they're kind of designed to show us all of our stuff and designed to push us to our edges and show us where our work is. And obviously there are healthier and less healthy containers for doing that work.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:15]:
It's not to say that it's a great idea to get into a super triggering relationship just so that you're in the arena and you have the opportunity to be confronted with your triggers. But expecting to never be triggered in a relationship just because you've been doing the work while single is not realistic either. So all of that to say don't panic. If you start dating someone and suddenly you're feeling really anxious, that makes perfect sense. Because that is just your nervous system doing its job, doing exactly what it was designed to do, which is to say, hey, this thing reminds me of that other thing. And that other thing was painful or scary or we got hurt. Then are you sure we shouldn't try and do all of the things to prot ourselves that we did before? And that's just the programme that it's going to run. And you don't have to make meaning out of that.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:00]:
You just have to notice it and turn towards yourself and go, okay, what do I need? I'm noticing that I'm feeling anxious about this person that I've connected with. That makes sense. I'm excited about them. And being excited about them means it's vulnerable, means I've got something to lose, I've got some skin in the game. So naturally my fears around that are going to be brought to the surface. How can I best support myself to move through this period that feels a little edgy, that feels a little vulnerable in a more grounded way? And that is how we actually shift our patterns is by showing up to triggering or challenging experiences in a different way to what we might have in the past. That is really where our growth lies. And that's what shows our system.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:43]:
There's another way. We don't have to default to those old habituated patterns of self protection which might be tech someone incessantly or stalking them or doing all of the things to try and create reassurance for ourselves at a time when we're feeling unsure. So that's really the growth edge here. That's the opportunity is to not make ourselves wrong for feeling anxiety, but get curious about it and get curious about what we might need in order to stay somewhat grounded through that experience and really support ourselves to show up as the person that we want to be. And I should say I do have other episodes on anxiety in early dating and how you can manage that things to do and not do to support yourself through that experience. Okay, I really hope that that's been helpful in answering this question and demystifying it a bit because as I said, it's actually not a mystery at all. It makes perfect sense if that's your experience. If anything, I'd be more surprised if you weren't experiencing anxiety in early dating because it's an anxiety inducing experience for people with anxious attachment patterns that is absolutely par for the course.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:47]:
So rather than making that a problem, we just want to manage it as best we can and learn better ways to support through that experience. Okay guys, thank you so much for joining me. I really hope this has been helpful and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Stephanie Rigg [00:13:03]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, emotional intelligence, nervous system, parenting, relationships, child development, self-awareness, self-regulation, mental load, self-care, family dynamics, conflict resolution, marriage, somatic therapy, emotional literacy, behavioural choices, co-regulation, repair in relationships, individual differences, sensory processing, resilience, burnout, childhood emotional needs, adult relationships, neuroception, compassion, guilt in parenting, shame, family communication, children's emotional safety