#122 Why You Should Prioritise Self-Care in a Relationship
In today's episode, we're talking all about the importance of self-care in a relationship, and how prioritising self-care can (somewhat counterintuitively) be far more nourishing and constructive for the relationship than being overly focused on the relationship itself.
The Overlooked Puzzle Piece in Relationships
When we talk about building healthy relationships, the focus is often on the dynamics between partners, communication, conflict resolution, and meeting each other’s needs. However, the importance of self-care in the context of a relationship is often overlooked. Especially for those of us with more anxious attachment patterns, the tendency to hyper-focus on the relationship and neglect self-care can lead to feelings of emptiness and neediness.
Neglecting Self-Care in Relationships
In times of stress or strain in a relationship, it's common for us to neglect our own well-being and put all our energy into the relationship. This can lead to a downward spiral, where our focus on unmet needs and relationship stress amplifies, inhibiting genuine connection and enjoyment in the relationship. This pattern of overwhelming attention to the relationship dynamics often leads to increased stress, preventing the attainment of genuine needs and inhibiting the natural flow of connection.
The Importance of Self-Care for Those with Anxious Attachment
For those of us with anxious attachment patterns, the relationship tends to serve as the primary source of self-worth and validation, often resulting in a lack of individual identity and self-trust. By prioritising self-care in the context of a relationship, we can develop an embodied sense of self, leading to increased self-confidence and the ability to navigate the world with a genuine sense of empowerment. It shifts the dynamic, allowing for an authentic connection in the relationship and reducing the pressure on the partner to fulfill all emotional needs.
Cultivating a Sense of Self-Trust
By investing in self-care, we can cultivate a deep sense of self-trust and empowerment. This internal strength enables us to face relationship challenges with ease and resilience, significantly altering the energy and dynamic within the partnership. Instead of relying solely on the relationship for validation and emotional stability, when we stand firmly in our self-trust, the relationship becomes an enhancement to our well-being rather than a lifeline.
The Impact of Self-Care on Relationships and Beyond
Prioritising self-care doesn't just benefit the relationship; it permeates into every aspect of life. Increased self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence lead to a transformative shift in worldview and capabilities. When we care for ourselves, we become more capable of navigating life's challenges, thus reducing the stakes on the relationship and external factors. This ripple effect extends to friendships and daily experiences, creating a sense of inner peace and rootedness.
Focusing on Practical Self-Care
Self-care isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about daily practices that keep us grounded and responsive to our needs. Whether it's maintaining a routine, engaging in activities that provide nourishment, or recognising and addressing stress and dysregulation, practical self-care is essential for maintaining a healthy sense of well-being. By actively investing in self-care, we create space for authentic connection, creativity, and confidence, in addition to reducing the pressure on our partners in the relationship.
Closing Thoughts
Prioritising self-care in a relationship is vital for building a healthy and thriving connection. It empowers us to develop a sense of self-trust, self-identity, and self-worth, thereby reducing the pressure on the relationship to fulfill all emotional needs. This, in turn, leads to increased authenticity, empowerment, and nourishment, not only in the relationship but in all aspects of life. By focusing on practical self-care and nurturing our individual well-being, we can enhance our relationships while also cultivating a greater sense of confidence and resilience in navigating life's challenges.
By embracing self-care, we can reframe our approach to relationships, creating a foundation grounded in self-trust, empowerment, and authentic connection.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How can prioritising self-care in a relationship help create a healthier and more thriving dynamic?
In what ways can anxious attachment patterns lead individuals to overly focus on the relationship to the exclusion of self-care?
What are some examples of self-care practices that individuals can adopt to nourish themselves and thrive as individuals within a relationship?
How can developing a strong sense of self-trust and self-worth positively impact relationships and one's overall well-being?
What are the potential negative consequences of neglecting self-care in the context of a relationship, especially during stressful times?
Why is it important to find a balance between focusing on the relationship and prioritising individual self-care in a partnership?
How does Stephanie’s perspective on self-care and attachment patterns align with your own experiences or challenges in relationships?
What role does self-care play in mitigating insecurities and fears within a relationship?
How can overly relying on a partner for validation and self-worth impact the dynamics of a relationship, and what strategies can be used to address this?
In what ways can practicing regular self-care influence not only relationship dynamics but also one's interactions with the broader world and sense of self?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I want to share some thoughts about the importance of self care in a relationship. Now, I think that this is something that we maybe overlook a lot of the time when we're talking about what it takes to build a healthy relationship, usually we're focusing on the relationship. And that's understandable, that makes sense, that we'd be thinking about the dynamics as between us, our communication, our conflict, how to talk about needs and all of that stuff that is inherently and overtly relational. But I think a really important puzzle piece and particularly for those of us who struggle with more anxious attachment patterns and who very much have that tendency to focus on the relational piece all the time, sometimes to the exclusion of the self piece.
[00:01:22]:
It really can't be overstated how important it is to really focus on the way that you take care of yourself in the context of the relationship, both for your own sake, but also really for the sake of the relationship. So I'm going to share some thoughts on why this is important, what it might look like, what tends to happen when we neglect self care in the context of a relationship. So that you can maybe start to reflect on how you relate to all of that, whether you have those tendencies and those patterns, particularly maybe in times of stress in your relationship when things are feeling strained. We can. Get a little bit lazy or sloppy with our self care. And that can fall by the wayside in favour of putting all of our eggs in the basket of focusing on the relationship. And maybe if that's something that resonates with you throughout today's discussion, you can start to think about what it might be like to recalibrate, to find a bit more of a balance that allows you to stay connected to yourself and really thrive as an individual and in so doing come to your relationship from a place of fullness and vibrancy and vitality rather than one of lack and need and emptiness, which I think is what can happen a lot of the time. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.
[00:02:51]:
Before I do that, just a very quick reminder that you can still sign up for healing, anxious attachment. We've got around 300 people in the current cohort and it's a really, really great round to join. We have a live Q and A next week, which you will be invited to if you join. Between now and then. There's also an online community for this round of the programme, so you get to connect with other people. It's amazing. I've been scrolling through all of the posts people sharing insights and asking for advice, and I've gone to reply only to see that other brilliant people in the group have already said what I would say. So it is a really nice, supportive, really nuanced and intelligent space for discussion and connection with other like minded people.
[00:03:36]:
So I really do encourage you to cheque it out if you're interested. You can find all of that on my website pretty easily and it's also in the show notes. Okay, so let's talk about the importance of self care in a relationship. Now, as I've talked about before, I had another episode a few months back around cultivating separateness in a relationship, which I think is a similar idea. But I think for those of us who have more anxiety, anxious attachment when it comes to our relationship patterns, the default mode is going to be to focus all of our attention or a huge percentage of our attention on the relationship. And oftentimes we don't even realise we're doing that because it comes so naturally to us. Of course, I'm in a default to thinking about my relationship and my partner and the things that maybe aren't working or the things that are working, or no matter what, we tend to put a lot of our energy there. And it's not that that's a problem, it's not that we need to not do that.
[00:04:37]:
But as with all things, it can be taken to extremes. And I think that for a lot of us, and particularly as I alluded to in the introduction, for a lot of us, when times feel strained, when our relationship is feeling a little stressful or a little wobbly, which I think for a lot of us with insecure, attachment might be more often than not, just because that's what we're trained to look for. We're trained to look for the things that are wrong, the things that aren't working, the potential warning signs, the unmet needs. That tends to be where our focus goes. We have this really strong negative bias and when that's the case, we tend to amplify our efforts, our investment, our attention on all of those things. And I think that can in turn amplify our stress because so much of our focus is on stressful inputs, right? Are we a good fit for each other? Does my partner love me? Do they care? All of these unmet needs, are they ever going to be met by this person? Am I going to be this stressed forever? All of that kind of stuff can get pretty heavy pretty quickly if that's the weight that you're carrying on your shoulders as you move through day to day life. And I think it really does become a downward spiral because when we're in that space, when we're carrying all of that, and when we're ruminating over it all the time and maybe we're bringing it up in conversation with our partner frequently enough that it feels very front and centre. It feels like it's taking up a lot of space in the relationship.
[00:06:10]:
Then I think that we stop enjoying each other so much, it really inhibits our connection and so it tends to really spiral from there. We're less likely to get our needs met when all we ever do is think about our unmet needs and talk about the things that are wrong. Right? It's not a very inspiring or motivating environment or culture for the relationship. And so I think we have to really look at that. And when you're in it, it can feel impossible to do anything else because to take your eye off the ball, to stop focusing on your relationship and focus on something else, focus on yourself, can feel really unsafe. It can feel like, well, if I don't keep policing all of this, if I'm not vigilant about all the things that are wrong, if I do turn my back on that or turn away from that, then it's all going to fall to pieces. Maybe there's a feeling that it's only being held together by a thread because of your obsessive focus on all of those things. But I think, ironically, I think the truth is, more often than not, it is in releasing the grip, in stepping back, in breathing some oxygen into that relational sphere that we can really freshen things up.
[00:07:27]:
We can change the whole atmosphere and vibe of the relationship into something that feels more spacious, that feels less stressful, that feels like more fertile ground for connection. And so this is where we come to the importance of self care because that dynamic and that pattern that I've just described is really easy to fall into. And when we're there, I think that it's safe to say most of us are probably not focusing on our own well being in that place. We're not focusing on, am I taking really good care of myself? Am I doing all of the things that I know help me to thrive as an individual? I can say from personal experience, when I've had periods like that in my relationships, a lot of that stuff kind of falls away. My own routines, my self care, the ways in which I nourish myself, feel like there's no space for that, there's no time for that. Or maybe I just feel really flat and unmotivated to do those things because the stress feels so overwhelming or feels so much more important than all of those other frivolous things. But I think we have to not take what our stress would have us believe. Sometimes we need to act from a more empowered and wise place that probably knows that that's not really the way.
[00:09:01]:
And so my invitation to you is, what would it be like if you're in that place in your relationship, or even if things aren't really dire at the moment and it's more of a general recalibration that might need to take place? Because your base case, your default mode, is to just be overly the scales are tipped in favour of thinking about your partner in the relationship in a way that leaves you a little bit undernourished. My invitation to you is what would it be like to rebalance that and to start to really actively, intentionally, consciously prioritise your own well being in the relationship? Now, there are a few reasons why I consider this to be a very very fruitful and rewarding thing for most everyone to prioritise in partnership and in your relationship to self. I think the first one is, and this is really important, particularly for folks with anxious attachment patterns who tend to really derive a lot of their sense of self worth, of identity, of validation, of just feeling okay in the world. If you tend to derive that from your relationship, from your partner, from being tethered to someone, and you tend to navigate the world via the relationship, then disentangling that just enough so that you can stand on your own. 2ft. It's not about becoming siloed from your partner. It's not about swinging to the other extreme of hyper independence and not needing anyone. But it's about cultivating this really embodied sense of actually, I have a separate sense of self and I know who I am and I enjoy my own company.
[00:10:49]:
And there are plenty of things that I can do that I can reach for that I know are really nourishing to me that allow me to move through my day with a sense of vitality and empowerment and general well being. And when you're coming to the relationship or just showing up to life from that place, everything feels not only more easeful and more joyful but I think the side effect is that you cultivate a really effortless self trust that no matter what happens you are resourced and capable to deal with it. So the more that we can build that sense of self up in our relationship, then, especially when times are tough in the relationship, we don't collapse into this really visceral fear of I've got nothing left. I'm a bit of a shell of myself. And so I desperately clutch and cling at this relationship or this person. Because without that, if I were to lose that, I would be losing everything. And that's a very, very vulnerable place to be. And I don't think it's a healthy place to come to relationship from because, of course, that feels terrifying.
[00:12:08]:
Of course if we've not got much else going on in our lives then our relationship does feel extremely all important to the point of I won't be okay if we're not together or if you don't love me or you don't want me or even if the relationship is just feeling bumpy that will cause extreme stress. If you don't have other things going on in your life, if you don't have a strong anchor within yourself that allows you to feel comfortable and confident. It's not about being immune to what's going on in your relationship. It's not about being indifferent to that or not being invested or committed to your relationship, but it's about having this deep sense of I can do this, I can handle what life throws at me. And I think that when we're kind of planted firm on the ground in our self trust in that way, it completely changes the dynamic in our relationship, the energy with which we show up to our relationship. And I think it has really positive ripple effects throughout not only our partnership, but our life, our friendships, everything else. It just lowers the stakes on needing to control all of those things that are outside of ourselves so that nothing bad happens, so that we don't have to face those uncomfortable feelings of emptiness or loneliness or fear. I think when we can shift into feeling really resourced, it sounds a little cliched, but like, filling our bucket really proactively, right? It's not about just having a self care day once a month and putting on a face mask and running a bubble bath.
[00:13:54]:
It might look like that for you, but it could also look like something totally different. I think for me, self care looks like just generally doing all of the things that I do on a day to day basis to keep my nervous system regulated. And to the extent that I feel myself in some Dysregulation or some stress or I feel a little out of kilter, then I'm attuned to that and I'm responsive to that. And I really take responsibility for offering to myself, to my body, whatever I might need in order to come back to centre or in order to feel better equipped to deal with whatever is going on in my life. And I think that the more we outsource that or ignore that, try and press the mute button on whatever our body is telling us, I think that's collectively, what we tend to do until we learn better is we treat all of that feedback from our body anxiety, stress, burnout, overwhelm. We treat those signals as inconvenient messengers to be muted, and we kind of just keep pushing through it. Whereas self care, as I'm referring to it here, is about turning towards those things and recognising that. That is our responsibility to take really good care of ourselves, to prioritise our well being really unashamedly.
[00:15:29]:
And I think that when we do that, ironically, our partner feels so much more willing and able to contribute to our well being to meet our needs, because they're not doing it from this place where there's a gun held to their head and we're bringing this energy of I need this from you or else. That's a lot of pressure. And particularly for someone with more avoidant patterns, that's likely to feel pretty overwhelming, pretty suffocating to have someone almost coercing you or pressuring you into filling them, making them okay, resolving all of their distress, that's a lot of pressure for anyone, but particularly someone with more avoidant patterns. So when we can get to this place where we're okay, we're pretty good on our own, and our relationship gets to be this beautiful thing that enhances our well being, rather than like the only leg propping up the table. It's the only thing giving us meaning, purpose, any sense of feeling okay in the world. That really does have an incredibly profound and positive ripple effect throughout, yes, the relationship. But I would say, more importantly, just the way that you move about the world, your sense of self esteem, self worth, self confidence, self trust, it really does totally revamp your worldview and what you feel capable of. And I think that's an incredibly powerful gift to give to yourself.
[00:17:05]:
So, long story short, if you notice these things within yourself, if you notice that you have that tendency to go all in on your relationship to self abandon, to focus obsessively on all of the little details and ruminating, on what your partner is thinking or feeling or are they meeting my needs or all of these things that we can just get a bit bogged down in, maybe see what it would be like to just put that to one side. Right. It's still going to be there. You don't have to worry that the whole world's going to come crashing down if you spend a week or two pivoting your focus to yourself and just see what it would be like to really go all in on you, on taking very good care of yourself, whatever that means to you. As I said, it doesn't have to be bubble baths and face masks, although it might be. I mean, I love a good bubble bath. It's really not about cliches. It's about tuning in and going, what do I need in this moment to feel more present, more grounded, more safe, more myself, more connected to who I am, where I am in a way that allows me to access all of those things joy, gratitude, and just see what happens from that place.
[00:18:31]:
Because, as I said, I think it's incredibly fertile ground for, yes, connection, but also creativity and self confidence and so many other good things that really pay dividends in so many aspects of life. So I hope that that's given you something to think about. I know that for a lot of people, this is hard stuff, but it is really powerful. So give it a go, let me know what you think, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, self-care, relationships, anxious attachment patterns, insecurity, thriving relationships, healthy relationship, communication, conflict, needs, stress, neglect, recalibrate, well-being, anxious attachment, self-nourishment, vitality, investment, self trust, self worth, identity, validation, empowerment, resourced, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, self trust, self-care routines, nervous system regulation, burnout, overwhelm
#121 What is Emotional Availability?
In today's episode, we're talking all about emotional availability. Emotional availability is one of those terms that is thrown around a lot on social media - and it seems like everybody is on the lookout for the "emotionally unavailable" people that are to be avoided at all costs. But as always, I think it's important to approach these conversations with nuance and curiosity, before slapping labels on others and declaring them to be the problem. As we discuss in this episode, our focus on others' emotional unavailability can often mask the parts of us that are hiding behind inauthenticity.
In today's episode, we're talking all about emotional availability. Emotional availability is one of those terms that is thrown around a lot on social media - and it seems like everybody is on the lookout for the "emotionally unavailable" people that are to be avoided at all costs. But as always, I think it's important to approach these conversations with nuance and curiosity, before slapping labels on others and declaring them to be the problem. As we discuss in this episode, our focus on others' emotional unavailability can often mask the parts of us that are hiding behind inauthenticity.
Emotional availability is a crucial concept in modern relationships, especially in an era dominated by social media. It refers to an individual's emotional maturity, ability to articulate feelings, openness to honest conversations, and capacity to express themselves authentically without resorting to games or misleading behaviors. This definition underscores the importance of authenticity, emotional maturity, and genuine connections in relationships.
What is Emotional Availability?
Emotional availability is often discussed in the context of dating and relationships. It's a term that encapsulates the ability to be present and engaged in a relationship emotionally. An emotionally available person is someone who is capable of sharing their feelings, understands and respects their partner's emotional needs, and is willing to be vulnerable. This characteristic is essential for building a deep, meaningful connection with others.
The Importance of Self-Reflection
It's critical to consider your own emotional availability. Self-reflection helps in understanding why one might be attracted to individuals who exhibit traits of emotional unavailability. By exploring our behaviors and tendencies, especially in the context of anxious attachment patterns, we can identify and address issues like people-pleasing and approval-seeking. This awareness is vital for personal growth and healthier relationships.
Recognising Emotional Unavailability in Anxious Attachment Patterns
Emotional unavailability can often manifest in anxious attachment patterns. This might involve performing, shapeshifting, and constantly seeking validation, driven by a fear of being unlovable. Such behaviors often lead to presenting a curated persona, hindering the ability to form genuine connections. Emotional unavailability, in this context, stems from a lack of authenticity and honesty.
Accepting Authenticity and Vulnerability
Embracing authenticity and vulnerability is fundamental in relationships. Genuine connections require individuals to be true to themselves, without resorting to a curated version for validation or control. This approach fosters meaningful connections and establishes trust, leading to more fulfilling and sustainable relationships.
Embracing Change and Growth
Showing up as your true self, even at the risk of rejection, is essential for attracting and cultivating relationships with emotionally available partners. It's about embracing your entirety without the need for performance or inauthenticity. In summary, understanding and embracing emotional availability is key to developing genuine, meaningful relationships. Through self-reflection, embracing authenticity and vulnerability, and being open to change and growth, individuals can foster deeper connections based on mutual emotional availability. This journey towards emotional maturity not only enhances personal well-being but also enriches our relationships with others.
Questions for Reflection & Discussion
1. What do you think emotional availability means to you after listening to the episode? How does it differ from your previous understanding, if at all?
2. Stephanie mentions the importance of emotional authenticity and maturity in relationships. Do you think you are emotionally available to your partners or friends? Why or why not?
3. How do you think emotional availability impacts the dynamics of a relationship? Do you agree with Stephanie's perspective that it's more fruitful to start within ourselves when it comes to emotional availability?
4. Is there a particular instance in your life where you found yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable people?
5. Stephanie talks about anxious attachment patterns and the tendency to shapeshift in relationships. Have you ever experienced this behaviour in yourself or others?
6. How do you feel about the concept of "performing" in relationships? Do you think this is a common behavior, and if so, how does it affect emotional availability?
7. Stephanie talks about the inherent discomfort in receiving emotional availability when one is accustomed to not receiving it. Have you ever experienced a similar discomfort in your own life? How did you handle it?
8. Stephanie discusses the toll of inauthenticity and its impact on relationships. Can you identify instances in your life where inauthenticity affected your relationships, and if so, how did you navigate this?
9. Stephanie emphasises the importance of trust and being fully oneself in a relationship. What steps do you think you can take to build this trust and authenticity in your own relationships?
Further Links & Resources
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about emotional availability or emotional unavailability. I think that this is one of those terms and one of those concepts that's thrown around a lot, particularly in the world of instagram and social media more broadly when we're talking about dating and red flags and what to look for and building healthy relationships. And I think that's with good reason. But I also think it's really important, as always, to approach these sorts of big labels with a level of nuance and articulating.
[00:01:06]:
What does it really mean when we're talking about emotional availability? What are we looking for in other people? And I would argue, more importantly, what does that look like within us? Because I think it's really easy to focus on the ways in which someone else might be, quote unquote, emotionally unavailable and almost distract ourselves with all of their shortcomings and everything that we want them to change, while overlooking the ways in which we might be exhibiting certain signs of emotional unavailability, albeit maybe taking a different form. I think that a lot of the time the trope of the unavailable person is someone who is more avoidant and aloof and hot and cold and you can't really seem to crack them and you don't know what's what. And so while if you're more anxious leaning, you might not fit that description, I think there are some less obvious ways that we can ourselves be emotionally unavailable and in so doing can prevent the kind of deeper, more authentic connection that we really crave. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on that today. Before we dive into that, a quick announcement that Healing Anxious Attachment is still open for registration. We had the Black Friday sale over the weekend, which has now ended, but you are still able to join at the usual early bird price. All of that is on my website. For those who are interested, we've got just shy of 300 people in the past week or so, which is just amazing.
[00:02:33]:
And it's always so gratifying for me to see people coming into the programme and feeling so much optimism and so much commitment to really making some changes in their blueprint when it comes to relationship to self and others. So if that feels like something that you would like to take steps towards, I'd love to see you inside the programme. And as I said, all of that should be relatively easy to find on my website. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around emotional availability. So I think it's useful to frame the discussion by asking, what do we mean when we talk about emotional availability, I think it probably means different things to different people, as I said, because it's a term that's tossed around so liberally. I think everyone's probably got their own version of what that means when they are talking about emotional availability or unavailability. But what I think of this term as meaning is someone who is mature emotionally, who's able to articulate themselves, who's open to having conversations with other people when it comes to not only emotions but anything else that might arise concerns, boundaries, those sorts of things. Someone who is authentically themselves, who isn't playing games, who isn't misleading, who isn't performing.
[00:03:54]:
Someone who you feel really comfortable with because you feel like you're connecting with that person in their true expression, rather than feeling like there's facades and there's masks and tricks and games which are not always coming from a place of malice or an intention to manipulate. But I think when we lack internal security, we resort to all sorts of tactics to try and win over people's approval or present a certain version of ourselves. And as I'll come to shortly, I think that we can fall prey to those sorts of tactics no matter where we sit on the spectrum. We can engage in those things as a way to create a semblance of comfort, confidence, safety for ourselves, even if ultimately it's kind of trapping us in something that isn't truly authentic. So I think that that's really the essence of it for me is that emotional availability is authenticity and emotional maturity. So I think that when we have this conception of the person, I think it's most often used in the context of dating. Although of course, emotional availability is relevant and important in any relationship, romantic or not. I think that it most often comes up in the context of dating.
[00:05:15]:
And it's like, how do I spot someone who's emotionally unavailable so I can avoid them like the plague and save myself the trouble? And I think that again, I understand the desire to steer clear of people who maybe aren't in the same place as you or don't want the same things as you or don't have the capacity that you seek in. A partner in terms of having that deeper connection and that emotionality and vulnerability between you that allows you to really feel like you can trust them. But what I think is much more interesting than listing out traits of things to avoid in other people, as you guys would know if you've followed my work for a while and listened to the podcast. I think the much more illuminating analysis is what is it within me that feels attracted to that in the first place? Because it's really easy. I've done an episode on this before and the reasons we might be attracted to unavailable people. And I think that it's really easy to kind of throw up our hands and say everyone's so emotionally unavailable. And I'm not. The problem doesn't lie with me.
[00:06:23]:
It's everyone else in the dating pool who's the problem. And I just need to sharpen my tools in terms of avoiding the bad people and then all my problems will be solved. And if only it were that simple. I think that what we really need to get honest about is there's something within me that is attracted to that or that feels some sense of comfort in the dynamic of chasing the unavailable person, of performing, of gameplaying, of tiptoeing around that, of trying to earn the love and approval of someone. And I think that we have to see that within ourselves and get really curious about it because that comes with its own form of emotional unavailability, right? This is really speaking more to the anxious experience because as I said, I think that the stereotype of the emotionally unavailable person is someone who's more kind of classically, typically avoidant. But I think emotional unavailability in the context of more anxious attachment patterns tends to manifest as performing as shapeshifting, like being a mirror for someone else. If they say that they like something, you quickly agree and say you like it too. Or if they want to do something, you agree and you acquiesce and you just follow someone else's lead all the time and kind of lose yourself in the process.
[00:07:47]:
And of course we know that that can come from a lot of different things of really just wanting to be chosen or feeling like being low maintenance is the way to be loved. And that to be difficult is to be unlovable. All of those things that we've talked about before on the show. But the reality is that when we conceal so much of ourselves, when we bury so much of ourselves or subdue certain parts of us that we fear are unworthy of love or unacceptable or make us difficult, we're not being emotionally available either because we're not being authentic, we're not being honest. We're presenting a very carefully crafted, curated view of us that we think is going to be the ticket to kind of controlling for an outcome. And oftentimes that outcome is being chosen and having someone love us and not doing anything that could possibly jeopardise the connection. But when we do that, we are inadvertently jeopardising the connection because we're not authentically being there. We're not showing up as our true selves, we're not maybe advocating for ourselves, we're not just being forthcoming with how we're feeling something that might be bothering us.
[00:08:54]:
All of that is part of emotional availability as well. And so I think it's really important to see how these things interface with each other and that while it is really much easier to just point the finger at someone who's unavailable in more obvious ways, we can say, what do you mean? I'm available all the time. I'm always available if you want to hang out with me, how could you be calling me emotionally unavailable? I have big emotions. I think there's a little more to it than that. And I think that if we return to at least how I think of emotional availability as being honesty, authenticity and emotional maturity and all the things that flow from that, I think we can see that maybe we are attracted to and attracting people who maybe mirror where we are at in terms of our own emotional availability. And so it might be useful and enlightening to kind of reflect on that and go okay, maybe I'm getting back what I'm putting out and start there. Always starting there I think is a good idea, starting with ourselves because it can be. We were having a conversation in my small group coaching programme earlier today and someone was sharing that their partner is really showing up and it's quite daunting because she is really accustomed to burying needs or working really, really hard to just get scraps of attention from someone or scraps of validation.
[00:10:27]:
And it can actually be quite disconcerting or quite foreign to your system. When you are met with someone's availability and consistency and care and attention and support, all of a sudden your system might sort of reject it and push it away and go I don't know how to receive that because I'm so accustomed to not receiving that and to fighting for it only to be disappointed. And there's some sort of weird familiarity in that dynamic and it leaves me feeling really out of my depths when all of a sudden someone is available. And I think that often it's in those situations that we are shown our own work because we might all of a sudden feel a lot of resistance coming up, feel that all of a sudden we have nowhere to hide. And that's really scary. If we've always blamed the other person for the lack of connection or the lack of depth or the lack of commitment and all of a sudden they're showing up with depth and connection and commitment and then we're pushed to go okay, well, who am I going to be in response to that? Am I ready for those things? Am I ready to be seen and known? Because when we haven't had that in the past, it's a really, really scary thing and it really raises the stakes. It's, as I said, in a weird sort of way, much more comfortable to just sit in the dissatisfaction and kind of lament the fact that someone won't change but all the while being comforted by the fact that they're the problem and it's not us. So all of that to say, I think that in this conversation around emotional availability, it helps to broaden the lens on what that means and what that can look like and what the converse emotional unavailability.
[00:12:13]:
How that can show up in ways that we might not typically associate with emotional unavailability in the more common sense of avoidance and associated behaviours. And going, oh, is my lack of authenticity in terms of my people pleasing and my approval seeking and my tiptoeing and my strategizing and all of those little things that I do behind the scenes to try and control for the outcome that I want. Maybe that's emotional unavailability too, and maybe that's blocking some of the connection that I really crave. So maybe my freedom and my relief and a new way of being in relationships requires me to change the inputs on my side of the equation and to kind of lay down some of those old strategies and take the brave steps towards showing up more authentically and trusting that if that does yield to the worst case scenario that our fear would have us believe, if we show up authentically and honestly and we stop curating this perfect version of ourselves that we think will be the lovable version, and we just allow ourselves to be enough. If someone leaves in response to that, well, I think that that's kind of a blessing in disguise, because otherwise you're locked into a lifetime of performance and a lifetime of inauthenticity, and that's a really, really tiring game to play. So I think that there's a lot to be said for just trusting that for the right person or people, you, all of you, it's going to be enough. In fact, it's going to be delightful and lovable and wonderful and that someone who is themselves emotionally available and who has done that work is going to be ready for all of it and is going to have realistic expectations about what it means to be in a relationship. And you don't have to bury parts of yourself or feelings or fears or insecurities, you don't have to try and hide that from someone in order to trick them into loving you.
[00:14:23]:
As I said, that's a really exhausting way to be in relationship and I think it's one that sooner or later really catches up with us and tends not to give us what we really desire, which is safety in relationships. So I hope that that has been helpful given you something to think about when it comes to emotional availability. And as I said, of course we can look out for that in other people, but I think it's always more fruitful to start within and start with ourselves and the way we're showing up and watch that ripple out. So thank you so much for joining me, I'm so grateful for all of your support. The spotify wrapped, year in review stuff has come out today and I'm being tagged by so many beautiful people who have been staunch supporters of the show and I've seen some amazing statistics on my side, people listening all over the world and I'm just eternally grateful always for your support. So thanks for being here and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
[00:15:29]:
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon. It's.
Embracing Change and Growth
attachment, emotional availability, emotional unavailability, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, dating, red flags, authenticity, emotional maturity, boundaries, self-esteem, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, emotional connection, vulnerability, self-discovery, personal growth, relationship coaching, self-acceptance, self-reflection, personal development, people-pleasing, approval seeking, fear of rejection, intimacy, emotional intelligence, authenticity in relationships, self-awareness, resilience.