#144 Why You Struggle to Let Go After a Break-Up (Even When They Were "Bad" For You)
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why you might struggle to let go of someone after a break-up - especially in circumstances where you logically know that they were "bad" for you. This is such a common experience, particularly for those with anxious attachment - feeling pulled in two different directions between what you know is best vs what your body and attachment system is urging you to do.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why you might struggle to let go of someone after a break-up - especially in circumstances where you logically know that they were "bad" for you. This is such a common experience, particularly for those with anxious attachment - feeling pulled in two different directions between what you know is best vs what your body and attachment system is urging you to do.
We cover:
The importance of managing expectations after a break-up
Why it's normal to miss your ex (without it meaning anything)
Why unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships can be even harder to let go of
Treating moving on as a choice rather than a feeling
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Why You Struggle to Let Go After a Break-Up (Even When They Were "Bad" For You)
Breaking up is never easy, but it can feel particularly perplexing when you find yourself struggling to let go of someone who was objectively “bad” for you. This emotional tug-of-war is more common than you might think and, contrary to popular belief, is not a sign of weakness or ignorance. Instead, it speaks to deeper emotional mechanics at play, particularly for those with anxious attachment styles. Let’s explore why it’s so challenging to move on and how you can work through this bewildering phase.
Emotional vs Logical Understanding
When a relationship ends, the human brain often plays a cruel trick: it creates a conflict between your emotional responses and your logical understanding. Logically, you may very well grasp that your ex-partner was inconsistent, unkind, or otherwise not suited to you. But emotionally, the attachment you formed doesn’t dissolve just because the relationship has.
This dichotomy can be especially pronounced in individuals with anxious attachment. For those who experience heightened anxiety around relationships, the bonds they form tend to be more intense and harder to sever, even if the relationship was fraught with issues. Understanding that this emotional dissonance is normal can be the first step toward healing.
The Role of Habit and Muscle Memory
One of the reasons you may struggle to let go is sheer habit. Relationships often involve routines and rituals that become ingrained in your daily life. Morning texts, evening calls, weekend plans—all of these create a structure. When the relationship ends, so do these habitual interactions, leaving you with a sense of void.
Moreover, emotionally charged relationships often have a kind of "muscle memory." You’re conditioned to think about your partner, worry about them, and even argue with them. When that stimulation is removed, the quiet can feel unsettling. The brain, accustomed to a certain level of emotional engagement, finds the sudden silence disruptive.
The Allure of Familiar Chaos
It might seem illogical to miss a relationship that caused more stress and drama than joy. Yet, for many, there is a twisted comfort in the familiarity of chaos. Dysfunctional relationships often reinforce a continuous cycle of stress and relief. Conflict generates anxiety, but resolving conflicts, even temporarily, provides emotional relief. This cycle can become addictive, making the emotional highs and lows hard to relinquish.
For some, being in conflict still feels better than being alone. The connection inherent in heated exchanges or reconciliations feels preferable to the emptiness of separation. Recognising that a dysfunctional relationship can still offer a perverse sense of security is crucial in understanding why letting go feels so tough.
Reframing Moving On: Action Over Emotion
The journey to letting go is often hampered by the belief that moving on should be a feeling rather than a choice. People say, “I can’t move on because I still love them,” and thus wait for the feeling of having moved on to arrive. However, this misconception can prolong your suffering.
Moving on is more about making deliberate choices and taking specific actions, rather than waiting to feel differently. Just like exercise, where motivation may come after you’ve already started working out, taking steps toward closure can eventually foster emotional relief. Setting new routines, seeking new social connections, and investing in personal development can initiate this process.
Practical Steps to Letting Go
Here are some practical steps to help you move forward:
- Limit Contact: Reducing or eliminating contact with your ex can help you rewire your habits. This includes social media checks and casual texts.
- Create New Routines: Fill the gaps left by the relationship with new hobbies or activities. This introduces new forms of joy and structure in your life.
- Reach Out for Support: Engage with friends, family, or a therapist to discuss your feelings and receive guidance.
- Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that it’s normal to miss someone and that these feelings don’t invalidate the reasons for your break-up.
- Focus on Personal Growth: Take this time to reflect on what you want and need in future relationships. Break the cycle of past patterns by understanding and reworking them.
The Importance of Self-Kindness
Above all, be kind to yourself. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism, asking why you can't seem to move on. Instead, understand that this is a deeply human experience. There’s nothing wrong or weak about feeling attached to someone who wasn’t good for you. It’s a part of navigating relationships and growing from them.
By compassionately confronting your feelings and taking proactive steps towards a healthier future, you'll find that the struggle to let go lessens over time. It’s in the ongoing process of nurturing yourself, rather than the rush to move on, that true healing occurs.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself struggling to let go of past relationships, even when you know they were not healthy for you? Reflect on the emotions and thoughts that arise in these moments.
How does your attachment style influence your feelings post-breakup? Do you notice any patterns or tendencies that might be contributing to your struggle with letting go?
Steph mentions the concept of “predictability in chaos.” Can you relate to finding a sense of safety in a tumultuous relationship? How has this impacted your ability to move on?
Have you ever mistaken missing someone for a sign that you should get back together? Reflect on why these feelings might be misleading and how you can reframe them.
What are some practical steps you can take to support yourself through the process of moving on from a breakup? List a few specific actions and consider how you can implement them in your daily life.
Consider the idea of moving on as a series of actions rather than just a feeling. How can you apply this mindset to your own healing process?
Reflect on a time when you felt an impulse to check up on an ex-partner. What emotions were driving this behaviour, and how can you redirect that energy towards self-care?
Journal about the role of self-compassion in your healing journey. How can you be kinder to yourself during this difficult phase of letting go?
Do you find yourself orbiting around the idea of your ex-partner, even long after the breakup? Explore ways in which you can shift your focus back to your own growth and well-being.
Stephanie talks about the importance of reframing your story from one of powerlessness to one of agency. How can you reframe your own narrative to feel more empowered and in control of your healing process?
Feel free to use these prompts for journaling or group discussions to deepen your understanding and reflection on the themes discussed in this episode.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I am talking about why you struggle to let go of someone even when you know they're not good for you, so to speak. So this is a very, very common conundrum, particularly for folks with anxious attachment, although I don't think that it's exclusive to anxiously attached people. I think that the letting go of someone, irrespective of whether we logically know that the relationship, the connection is not right for us, whatever that might mean. You know, it's something that we all can fall prey to, that we can all struggle with to varying degrees. Although I do think that those among you who identify with anxious attachment will experience this in overdrive. And as we'll talk about, that's normal and makes perfect sense.
[00:01:20]:
I spoken many times before about, you know, why anxiously attached people tend to struggle with breakups. And this really falls into that same category. So I'm gonna be sharing some thoughts today. It's gonna be a short and sweet episode, but hopefully one that gives you some reassurance if you're in this situation, if you're struggling to let go of someone, some reassurance that what you're experiencing is normal and it's not something that you need to overthink. Of course, easier said than done, for all of my overthinkers, if only it were as simple as me telling you to stop overthinking. But really, it isn't something that you need to try and make sense of because so much of the time, these things that we're trying to apply a rational lens to, they are experiences that are inherently irrational in that they are deeply emotional. And so oftentimes it's not a matter of making it make sense, but actually just making peace with the fact that it doesn't make logical or rational sense. And it's just a matter of seeing it for what it is and continuing to take steps forward without trying to solve it or make it go away.
[00:02:29]:
Because I think that's where we can get ourselves really stuck and devoting so much more energy to something that we're actually trying to move away from or let go of. So I'm gonna be sharing some thoughts on that today. Before I do, just a reminder that you can still save 50% on my master classes and courses, I think for the next week or so. I'll see. I'm going to be taking that down soon, maybe at the end of June. So you've still got a little bit of time to jump in, but not much. So if you're wanting to save 50% on any of my master classes, of course, is particularly with today's topic around letting go of someone. If you're in that situation, I'd really recommend you check out higher love, which is my breakout course.
[00:03:08]:
Hundreds and hundreds of people have gone through this course over the past couple of years, and it always gets really incredible feedback. People saying that it was instrumental in helping them not only kind of heal from their breakup, so to speak, but take steps towards a future where they feel much more confident and sure of themselves and, I suppose, self trusting that they're not going to just repeat the same patterns in the next relationship. And that's a big part of the course is getting clarity around that and kind of breaking those patterns so that you can do things differently next time rather than just doing a rinse and repeat. So you can save 50% on any of those with the discount code, hey, baby, if you're interested. And that's all linked in the show notes. Okay. So let's talk about why you struggle to let go of someone when you know that they're not good for you. Now, as I said, very, very common experience.
[00:03:55]:
So normal. And as I've spoken about many times before, if you search breakups within this podcast, there's heaps of episodes on it that you can go back and binge listen to if you feel so inclined. But really, breakups are meant to be hard and breakups are meant to pull you in different directions because you've got all of these conflicting drives. And just because a relationship ends, you're not going to suddenly stop loving the person. You're not going to suddenly stop having feelings towards them or feeling attached to them. You're not gonna stop expecting to see them in your day to day life or speak to them. All of these things that are so habitual and that you have so much muscle memory around, for them to just evaporate overnight is a really, really challenging experience at the best of times. Right? Now, when someone is not good for you, whatever that might mean, I think we'll just assume for the purposes of this episode that we're talking about, someone who maybe didn't treat you terribly well, maybe was flaky or inconsistent or just the combination of your attachment styles or whatever else, like what you each brought to the relationship meant that it was high drama, it was tumultuous, it was conflict ridden and you felt really unseen and all of those things that I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with.
[00:05:17]:
I've certainly had my fair share of that kind of dynamic in the past. So why why would that be hard to let go of? I think we can feel it doesn't make sense. As I was saying in the introduction, we can have this sense of wouldn't it be easier to let go of that person? Because rationally, logically, I know that that relationship was unhealthy and that they weren't good for me, that I felt distressed and sad and anxious most of the time in that relationship. So shouldn't I feel relieved now that I'm not with them anymore? Why do I feel like I miss them? Why can't I stop thinking about them? Why am I obsessing over what they're doing and who they're seeing and how they're spending their time and whether they miss me and whether they're thinking about me? Why do I still care so much when deep down I know that it was dysfunctional? And I think that, again, we really have to be so kind to ourselves and cut ourselves a lot of slack there because you're not like uniquely broken or desperate or pathetic for having that experience. It's actually extremely normal. And I think that, again, when we've had any kind of relationship end, but particularly one that has been really high drama, we have all this energy that we're used to devoting to the relationship, and we've probably really raised our baseline level of activation and stress around relationships. So when the the war is over, so to speak, and we're just left standing amongst the rubble, it can feel extremely disconcerting. And all of those drives to like check up on them and try and see what they're doing and try and control them in some way, That's probably just residual patterns of how you acted in the relationship.
[00:06:56]:
Right. You wanted to always be in conflict with them because for a lot of us, like conflict, at least we're engaged in conflict. And that connection that I get from fighting with you in a weird sort of way feels a lot safer to me than the silence and the disconnect. And so when you're then in the wake of a relationship ending and there's just nothing, you're just in the void, that can feel extremely uncomfortable. And it might not be conscious in so many words that you're making sense of it in that way. But that's often what's going on, is that you'd rather be in in the drama and in the chaos than in the silence and in the void without them. And so when you've been calibrated to that level of drama and chaos with someone who you know is not good for you, then your drive to pursue that, and often that will come out as overthinking about them obsessing, scrutinising, looking on their social media, playing detective, talking about them incessantly When you're so accustomed to there being stress and drama around that, when you're so accustomed to there being stress and drama around that attachment, around that person, around that relationship. So just recognising that what you're experiencing is a very normal response because, again, we can't really expect to go from, like, fully invested and and particularly when you've been in a relationship that has been stressful and on its last legs.
[00:08:27]:
Again, with anxiously attached people, the tendency is to just keep upping the ante in terms of how much energy you are putting towards the relationship. So you've probably neglected, like, every other aspect of your life, and you were consumed by it. Right? You're thinking about them all day long, or maybe you were trying to talk about the relationship all day long, but, like, really doubling down on trying to hold on, trying to get them to see you, see your perspective, to agree with you, to see how much they were hurting you so that they would change all of these patterns. And so when the heat just keeps rising and rising and rising and then it all goes quiet, that's a very uncomfortable experience. And so the what you're experiencing is why can't I let go of them is really like your system, just having this big hangover and not knowing what to do with the space and the separation and the lack of oversight, the lack of knowing what they're doing, not having that that tether to them when you've derived a lot of safety from that, even if it felt really dysfunctional and chaotic, There was a safety and a familiarity in that for you. There was a predictability in the chaos, and now you are left in the void and that can be deeply uncomfortable. So just normalising that experience and validating it, I realised that doesn't necessarily make it easier, but hopefully, will allow you to not feel like there's something wrong with you or that there's something that you need to solve for there or that you need to make meaning out of. I think this is where so many people fall down after a break.
[00:10:03]:
I was like, oh, I miss them. That must mean something. That must mean that we should get back together. So off I go, I'm gonna text them, and I'm gonna ask to see them and have one more conversation, and try one more time because if this were the right thing, I wouldn't be feeling this way. And while that's a really understandable kind of way to make sense out of it, I think that's often misleading because it's assuming that the missing them is unusual in some way or that it wouldn't be there if the relationship if it were really meant to end. Whereas, I think if you go into a breakup expecting to miss them, irrespective of what the relationship was like, knowing that it could be the most dysfunctional relationship in the world, and you're gonna have little moments of loss and grief, and that's completely normal as you kind of figure out the next chapter. I think that way you can kind of be a little more prepared for those moments if and when they come up and you you don't spiral quite so dramatically. So if you're in this situation and you're having this this thought of why can't I let go, then what I'd really encourage you to do is for starters, drop that story.
[00:11:18]:
So stop saying that over and over. Why can't I let go? I can't let go. It has this kind of powerlessness baked into it that I don't think is very helpful to just keep telling yourself that, oh, my hands are tied. I can't help it. I can't help texting them. I can't help calling them. You can. And I think you just have to say the more honest thing, which is it's really uncomfortable for me to be in this no man's land, to be in this in between space of not really knowing what the next chapter of my life looks like, but not being in that last chapter where even though it was dysfunctional and I didn't feel very good in the relationship, there was still a sense of identity and purpose that I derived from that.
[00:12:02]:
There was still a familiarity. There was still a predictability even in all of the drama. So be honest with you can stop yourself from doing it. It's just really uncomfortable and unfamiliar, and it's going to take some time for you to know how to navigate that. And that's really where you might have heard me say before, we really have to reframe moving on after a relationship ends from a feeling to a choice and an action. People say, I can't move on. I still love them, so I can't move on. And I think if you're waiting for moving on to be a feeling, oh, I just have to sit at home on the couch until I stop loving them.
[00:12:42]:
You're going to be waiting a really long time. Now, that's not to say that you can't have a wallowing period. I actually really encourage it in my higher love course. I have a little exercise for you where you just devote 10 minutes a day to wallowing and crying and doing whatever you need to do. I think it's important to allow yourself to feel those things, but to balance that with taking decisive steps forward and really supporting yourself and taking good care of yourself and kind of deciding that you're gonna write the story of what comes next rather than really dwelling in this place of passivity and self pity and woe is me and nobody's ever gonna love me. I don't think that that's a good place to hang out for too long, And you really do need to trust that if you take steps towards moving on, you take action towards moving on, then the moving on as a feeling kind of follows the moving on as an action or a set of actions. So in much the same way that we don't wait to go to the gym until we feel really motivated, we decide to go to the gym because we know that that's in alignment with our values. And even if we don't feel like it, we know that the feelings will follow, will feel better afterwards, will feel better while we're there even.
[00:13:55]:
And so we we take the action even if we don't have the feeling at the outset. Same with something like meditation. I think that a lot of the time people say, oh, I'm too distracted to sit down and meditate, and and that might be exactly why you need to sit down and meditate. Right? Because you're too distracted. So recognising that we can make choices and take action even if we're not feeling the way that we wanna feel, often us feeling good about ourselves, feeling supported, feeling optimistic, trust that you can do things, you have agency around that, And that those feelings of, of hope, optimism, confidence, self worth will often be a result of the actions that you choose to take. So if you're in that situation, struggling to let go of someone who you know isn't good for you, just know that it's a very, very common one. But there are so many things that you can do. And starting with just letting go of that story and taking little baby steps towards self care, being really kind to yourself, and taking good care of yourself rather than just orbiting around them, fixating on them after a breakup.
[00:15:12]:
Recognise that that impulse is really normal, but you don't have to follow it. You can still take aligned action in the direction that you wanna go and that you know you should go. And as I said, if you want some extra support and more specific guidance with that, definitely check out my Hire Love course, which is 50% off at the moment. Okay. Gonna leave it there. I hope that that's been helpful, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:15:38]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
on attachment, relationships, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, letting go, relationship breakups, healing, overthinking, emotional experience, irrational feelings, personal growth, Higher Love course, self care, conflict in relationships, relationship advice, relationship coach, breakups, relationship dynamics, self worth, moving on, self trust, personal development, attachment styles, emotional attachment, breakup course, relationship guidance, relationship patterns, romantic relationships, emotional health, Stephanie Rigg.
#143 Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.
In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
Balancing the delicate dance between togetherness and separateness in relationships, especially those marked by anxious-avoidant dynamics, is no easy feat. This dance often unearths conflicting needs and sensitivities, leading to misunderstandings, miscommunications, and recurring conflict cycles. Understanding and navigating these tensions can transform the quality of interaction and connection within these relationships.
Understanding Anxious and Avoidant Dynamics
In any relationship, partners often bring their unique attachment styles, which influence their behaviours and needs. Anxious individuals crave closeness and reassurance. They feel secure when they can observe, in real-time, the presence and commitment of their partner. This sense of togetherness, albeit in physical proximity, mitigates their underlying fear of abandonment.
Conversely, avoidant individuals value their alone time as a space to recharge and regulate. This time in solitude is not merely about being alone; it’s about fostering a sense of inner security and independence, enabling them to participate in the relationship more fully when they reconnect.
The challenge arises in the transitions between these states—moving from togetherness to separateness and vice versa.
The Transition from Togetherness to Separateness
For anxious individuals, the shift from being together to being apart can be particularly distressing. This transition threatens their sense of security. They may experience heightened anxiety, often leading to behaviours perceived as clinging or over-involved, like frequent messaging or checking in.
To ease this transition for an anxious partner, small gestures can go a long way. Simple expressions of love and reassurance, such as saying, “I love you, I’ll talk to you tonight,” can significantly reduce anxiety. Furthermore, avoidant partners should be mindful to not exit abruptly without acknowledging their departure. A hug, a kiss, and a warm goodbye before heading to work, for example, can soften the transition and provide the anxious partner the reassurance they need.
Sharing your schedule or the next point of contact also helps. For instance, letting your partner know that you’ll call during lunch or text when you arrive can be exceptionally comforting. These gestures demonstrate respect and understanding for your partner’s needs, curbing the anxious reactions that might otherwise manifest.
The Transition from Separateness to Togetherness
For avoidant individuals, the challenge often lies in transitioning from their cherished alone time back into connection. An abrupt or unplanned return to interaction can feel jarring and intrusive, leading to feelings of overwhelm or irritability.
The analogy of surfacing from a scuba dive or a bear waking from hibernation aptly captures this experience. Avoidant individuals need a gradual re-entry into connection. Respecting this need begins with understanding and empathy. If your partner is immersed in their personal activity, barging in with conversation can be disconcerting.
Instead, send a gentle signal. If dinner is ready in fifteen minutes, let them know in advance rather than demanding their immediate presence. This forewarning allows them to wrap up their activities and mentally prepare for re-engagement.
Creating a smoother transition helps them feel respected and reduces the likelihood of defensive reactions. Consequently, they will likely join you feeling more resourceful and less overwhelmed.
Mutual Respect and Sensitivity
The key to navigating these opposing needs lies in mutual sensitivity and respect. Both anxious and avoidant partners must actively work to understand and honour their partner’s attachment style.
For avoidant partners, this might mean going the extra mile to provide the continuity and reassurance that their anxious partner craves. As detailed, small acts of consideration, like communicating clearly about when you'll next connect, can prevent anxious spirals and enhance a sense of security.
On the other hand, anxious partners should strive to respect their partner’s need for space. Recognising that the alone time cherished by avoidant individuals is not a rejection but a means to maintain their inner equilibrium. By allowing them to transition gradually from their solitude, you contribute to a more balanced and harmonious reconnection.
Mutual efforts in this regard help minimise friction and misunderstandings, reinforcing the narrative that each partner’s needs are valid and respected. It’s about fostering a collaborative environment where both partners feel supported and understood.
The Importance of Micro-Moments
Addressing these transitional sensitivities doesn’t just prevent conflict but preserves the bond between partners. Micro-moments of care and respect accumulate over time, building a robust foundation of trust and security. These moments might seem trivial individually, but collectively, they form the bedrock of a resilient and loving relationship.
In essence, it’s about tuning into each other’s unspoken needs and creating an environment where both partners feel valued. Understanding the choreographies of attachment styles and the specific needs they generate is crucial. By integrating these practices into daily interactions, couples can significantly enhance their relational satisfaction and overall bond.
Navigating the balance between togetherness and separateness with care and consideration not only helps in managing anxieties but cultivates a deeper, more nuanced intimacy. This respectful dance, marked by mutual accommodation and understanding, paves the way for a harmonious and thriving relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflecting on your own attachment style, do you identify more with anxious or avoidant tendencies? How do these tendencies manifest in your relationships?
When transitioning from togetherness to separateness in your relationship, what emotions or thoughts typically arise for you? How do you handle them?
Are there specific actions or behaviours that your partner can take to help ease your anxiety during times of separation? How can you effectively communicate these needs to them?
Consider a time when you felt particularly hurt by your partner’s need for alone time. How could a different approach from your partner have changed the way you felt during that transition?
How do you perceive your partner’s need for alone time? Do you view it as a reflection of their independence, or do you sometimes take it personally? How might this perception impact your relationship?
Can you think of ways to show respect for your partner’s need for aloneness, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you? What small changes could you implement to honour their need for space better?
Recall a situation where you might have interrupted your partner’s alone time. How did they react, and how did their reaction make you feel? What lessons can you take away from that experience?
If you live with your partner, how do you handle daily separations, such as leaving for work? What rituals or habits could you establish to make these moments feel more connected and reassuring?
Reflect on a moment where your partner respected your need for connection or alone time. How did this impact your sense of security and trust within the relationship?
Think about previous relationships where these transitional moments caused friction. How might an increased awareness of these dynamics have altered the course of those relationships, for better or worse?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm gonna be talking about togetherness and separateness in anxious avoidant relationships and how to navigate the tension between those conflicting needs that you might have as an anxious avoiding couple. Now full disclosure upfront. I don't know that what I've titled this episode actually accurately captures what I'm gonna be talking about, which is a struggle that I often have. The titles that are catchy often lack nuance. And then if I try and add more nuance to the title, then it sounds a little bit dense and wordy for a quick one liner. So what I'm really gonna be talking about today is less about how to navigate the actual time spent apart versus together, and more sharing a tip, which I think is not obvious, but is incredibly effective and transformative, to soften some of the friction that can arise, when it comes to separating for anxious people and coming back together for avoidant people.
[00:01:33]:
Because if you've noticed, for anxious folks, it is that shift from being together to a part that can be quite distressing. And for avoidant folks, it is the shift from being in their aloneness, in their own time and space to coming back together, which can be the friction point for them. And oftentimes there can be misunderstandings, miscommunications, and, you know, those attachment wounds that we each have can be triggered in those transitional moments in ways that then lead us into conflict cycles that, you know, entrench us into that oppositional dynamic, which we're trying to get away from rather than deeper into. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about that and a really simple but very effective way to hopefully nip that in the bud so that you don't spiral into those dynamics so frequently. And I think really reinforce the stories that you might have around, you know, how your partner feels about you, how much they care about you, how much they respect you, all of those things. So that's what I'm gonna be talking about today. It's gonna be a short and sweet episode. Before I dive into that, a reminder that I'm still running a 50% off sale on my courses and master classes on my website.
[00:02:44]:
So if you head to stephanierigg.com, you can look through my full master classes and my two courses, which are Secure Together and Higher Love. And you can save 50% on any of those with the code HEYBABY, all one word. The other quick announcement that I have is just because I am absolutely terrible at reminding people, if you're someone who likes to watch things rather than listen, or maybe in addition to, I have a YouTube channel where all of these podcast episodes get uploaded in full, if you would like to watch. I also have a website for the podcast. This is the one that I'm really terrible at telling anyone about. But there is a full website on attachment.com, which has, show notes, transcripts. It even has, like, discussion questions or journal prompts for every episode. So if you're interested in that additional info, I know some of you, sometimes message me and say that you take notes while you're listening.
[00:03:39]:
So if you'd like to have a bit more of a comprehensive set of notes or or something to work off, if you're someone who likes to go a little deeper into the episodes, head to onattachment.com, and you can find all of that there totally free of charge. Okay. Announcements done and dusted. Now let's talk about this. So as I said in the introduction, we know to be true that for anxious folks, separation anxiety is a point of sensitivity, that, you know, comes from that need for closeness, that fear of abandonment, that sense of when I'm connected with you in the sense of with you, and having that real time observable confirmation that, like, you're here and we're together and everything's okay. I feel good about that. I feel reassured. I'm much less likely to catastrophize and to feel like there's something wrong when I have almost like the evidence here in front of me that nothing's wrong with it.
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You know, you're here and I'm safe and you're safe. So that's, as we know, comfort zone for anxious people is that we are together and in that really, like, literal, you're right next to me kind of connection. The flip side of that is that separateness, time apart, can be challenging. And as I said, it's often the transition from togetherness to separateness, that can be hard. And if that's not handled in a way that is taking into account the sensitivities of the anxious partner, then those sensitivities can be amplified or exacerbated. When we look at the avoidant partner, we have, as is often the case, kind of the the other end of the spectrum. So if the avoidant partner, their alone time is really regenerative and important, and it allows them to regulate. It allows them to feel safe and secure, kind of stand on their own 2 feet and, you know, have a sense of groundedness within themselves that then allows them to come to the relationship in a more resourced way that doesn't leave them feeling overwhelmed and kind of burnt out and cornered or or any of those feelings that are common among avoidant people.
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And because of that, it can be the transition from their safe space of aloneness into connection that is a bit rough for the avoidant partner. And if that's not handled with care, then again, we can see some of that friction can arise. Some of the stories that the avoidant partner might have about the relationship, about relationships more broadly, about their partner. All of those things can be activated, in that transition from separateness to togetherness. So recognizing that, the really kind of quick and easy tips that I wanna offer you, and it's almost like a it almost feels like a cheat code for anxious avoidant relationships in this particular context, is to pay extra attention to those transitional moments. So if you are the avoidant partner and you are wanting to ease your anxious partner's anxiety around separateness so that they can go into time apart, feeling much more reassured and comfortable and less likely to, you know, hover around you to be this helicopter partner who's messaging you all the time, who's not really respecting the space. Take care to soften that transition by saying things like, you know, I love you. I'll talk to you tonight.
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If you're know, spending time with them and then you're leaving or if you live together and you are doing something as simple as going off to work in the morning for the avoidant partner, you might not think twice around, you know, grabbing your bag and walking out the door without saying goodbye. But for the anxious partner, that's probably going to be quite an affront or they might feel quietly hurt that you wouldn't come and find them in the house somewhere. And, you know, give them a hug and a kiss and say, I hope you have a great day, before you go off to work. So if you can pay a little bit more attention to that, rather than just doing the thing that makes sense to you based on, you know, your way of being, that could go a really long way in effecting that transition in a way that is likely to increase, the comfort, the security, the sense of safety for your partner as you go into that zone that is less comfortable for them. So, as I said, just doing little things like telling your partner you love them, giving them a hug and a kiss, telling them when you're gonna see them or when you're next going to talk to them, that's gonna go a really long way in easing the separation anxiety and softening that transition for your anxious partner. Now, the flip side of that for the anxious partner who wants to contribute to the softening of that transition for the avoidant partner going in the other direction, some of the things that you might want to think about, I once heard an amazing analogy. I think it was Diane Pool Heller, who is amazing attachment expert. She gave the analogy that an avoided person coming into connection from alone time is sort of like when you are scuba diving and you're coming up for air and you don't want to do that too quickly because you can obviously have all of these complications associated with it.
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So you sort of wanna slowly emerge. It's almost like a bear coming out of hibernation, that you wanna do that gradually rather than in a way that feels really jarring, or intrusive. So examples might be, and, you know, I'll draw examples from my own relationship. I know that if Joel is in his office and he's got his headphones on and he's in the middle of something, if I just go in and start talking at him, he gets really agitated by that. And for me, it's easy to go like, oh, why do you have to be so kind of rude or abrupt or, you know, irritable, in the way that you're responding to me? Because for me, I wouldn't be like that. It wouldn't bother me at all if I was in the middle of something and he started, you know, came into my room and started talking to me. That would be fine. But it really does bother him.
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And I have to remind myself that we're different in that respect, that when he is in his aloneness, that that is, you know, more sacred, than perhaps it is for me. And so being a bit more respectful of the bubble that the avoidant partner places themselves in, and recognizing that that's a really important time and space for them. I'm just thinking if Joel listens to this, he's probably gonna be laughing because I don't do a very good job at honoring this at all. But the point stands, it's a really good thing to do, you know, to allow your partner a bit of time to come out of hibernation, so to speak. So, for example, if you do live together and, you know, you're having dinner rather than say you're cooking dinner for your partner, rather than yelling at them and saying dinner's on the table right now. So they need to drop what they're doing and come immediately to you. You might say dinner you send them a text if they're in a different part of, you know, the living space. Dinner's gonna be ready in 10 minutes or something.
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So that gives them a bit of forewarning, allows them to wrap up whatever they're doing and shift gears so that they can then join you in a way that, you know, they're a little bit more prepared for rather than feeling like they've been yanked out of their separateness or, you know, maybe if it does take them time to join you, that then you're irritated or upset that they didn't do so immediately. So having a little consideration for the fact that they're going to need a bit more time to come out of that aloneness. And that if you can give them that time, give them that forewarning, and recognize that if you intrude upon their aloneness, and they have a reaction against that, it's really easy for you to then feel hurt or rejected or attacked unfairly, and then, you know, go into all of those stories around, I would never speak to you that way or, you know, I'm just trying to help or whatever the thing might be that you're telling yourself. Again, I am drawing all of these from personal experience as you can probably tell. But I think having that awareness of, like, it's actually not about me. It's about the sacredness of their time. And, you know, spoiler alert, the more respectful you are of their time and space, and, you know, the less you make them wrong for needing it and wanting it and protecting it, so your partner is going to be really, you know, defensive of their right to space. If they feel like you're intruding upon their space all the time.
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And you're, you know, blaming them or attacking them or criticizing them for needing that space. So, if you can be respectful of that, if you can honor that, and as I said, this goes both ways. So we want to create this overall sense of, you know, sensitivity and care and respectfulness of the others needs around these transition points. So it might sound kind of simple, but I think that if you both made an effort in each respect, so the avoidant partner makes the effort in, you know, going above and beyond what they ordinarily would in terms of going from togetherness to separateness. So softening those transitions, putting an extra effort to be loving, to be caring, to communicate around when you'll next be in contact or see each other. And I think if the anxious partner then was more respectful around the transition back into connection, you probably eliminate a lot of even if it's not all out conflict, like little moments, like micro moments of hurt that pile up and then turn into, you know, this snowballing resentment that will eventually come out, or eventually, you know, chip away at your connection and leave you feeling ultimately like your partner doesn't care about you, which I think is where so many of these little attachment wounds and ruptures end up. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, short and sweet episode today.
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But I think that, you know, even if you're not in a relationship at the moment, it's really a useful little nugget to tuck away. Maybe you can reflect on previous relationships and where you didn't have this awareness and you can go, oh, yeah, I think that would have made a really big difference both to me and to my partner. And obviously for future relationships, knowing about that dynamic, knowing about those sensitivities, I think can be hugely helpful. So, I hope you've learned something. As always, grateful for your support. Oh, actually, that's what I forgot to say at the start. We crossed over 4,000,000 downloads of the podcast last week. So huge, huge thank you for all of your support.
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That's a really incredible milestone to hit in, you know, just over 2 years of the podcast. This podcast is independently run and produced and everything. And by independently, I mean me at home in my home office. So to be reaching so many people all over the world, is really quite incredible. And I'm incredibly honored and grateful for your support. So a huge thank you to all of you, whether you are a relatively new listener or you've been here from the start. I'm really thankful for you. Okay.
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That's it for me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious-avoidant relationships, relationships, attachment theory, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, building healthy relationships, overcoming insecurity, togetherness and separateness, avoiding conflict, transitional moments, attachment wounds, softening transitions, separation anxiety, avoidant partner, anxious partner, conflict cycles, Secure Together course, Higher Love course, personal development, relationship dynamics, navigating relationship tensions, relationship advice, communication in relationships, attachment sensitivities, handling separateness, relationship tips, YouTube channel, podcast episodes, journal prompts, show notes, relationship resources