#154 4 Reasons You Keep Attracting Situationships
In today's episode, we’re exploring the common patterns and beliefs that lead people into situationships — those ambiguous, frustrating "almost-relationships" that never quite become something more.
In today's episode, we’re exploring the common patterns and beliefs that lead people into situationships — those ambiguous, frustrating "almost-relationships" that never quite become something more.
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a situationship and wondered why it keeps happening, this episode is for you. We'll dive into four key reasons why you might be attracting these kinds of connections and how to start breaking free from the cycle. Specifically, we'll cover:
How a fear of rejection stops you from expressing your desires
The saviour complex and trying to change the emotionally unavailable person
The tendency to prioritise chemistry over true compatibility and authentic connection
Tolerating situationships out of a fear that you can't do any better
If you’re tired of finding yourself in situationships, this episode will help you identify the underlying beliefs and behaviors contributing to the pattern. You'll learn practical steps to start attracting the kind of relationship you truly want.
Discovering the Root Causes: Why You Keep Attracting Situationships
Navigating the modern dating world can be a labyrinthine ordeal, especially when one continually finds themselves caught in the limbo of situationships. While a situationship may initially seem like a dynamic, casual arrangement, it often lacks crucial foundational elements like trust, commitment, and clear intentions. This grey zone can leave individuals feeling used, frustrated, and perplexed as to why such patterns keep recurring in their love lives. Let’s delve into four core reasons why one might keep attracting situationships and, more importantly, how to break free from these cycles.
1. Fear of Rejection
A profound fear of rejection can drive individuals to avoid directly communicating their desires and expectations within a relationship. This is especially true for those with anxious attachment patterns. The fear often stems from a deep-seated worthiness wound, leading to a reluctance to express genuine needs for fear of being rebuffed. Instead, one might skirt around important conversations, relying on indirect methods to gauge the other person's interest.
When the avoidance strategy is in play, there's a tendency to tiptoe around defining the relationship, creating an environment ripe for a situationship. Cultivating a strong sense of self-worth and being comfortable with potential rejection can significantly alter this dynamic. Being upfront about what one wants might be daunting, but it is a crucial step towards attracting a partnership that aligns with one’s true desires.
2. Hope of Change
A common mindset trap is the belief that if one can just hold on and be patient, the other person will eventually change their stance and commit. This often aligns with the archetype of the "rescuer," who believes that with enough love and understanding, they can bring about a transformation in their partner. Many fall into the fallacy of thinking that persistence will eventually yield the relationship they fantasise about.
However, trying to love someone into availability rarely works and often leaves one feeling inadequate and frustrated. It's crucial to recognise the patterns and acknowledge that meaningful change comes from within the other person, not from external pressure or persistent efforts. Trust that there are individuals who are already available and eager for the type of committed relationship you seek.
3. Prioritising Chemistry Over Compatibility
While chemistry can undeniably ignite the initial stages of a relationship, it shouldn't overshadow essential elements like compatibility and consistent connection. Some may get swept up in the intoxicating allure of chemistry, overlooking red flags or misalignments in core values and goals.
It's essential to balance the heady rush of chemistry with a clear-eyed assessment of whether the relationship meets other fundamental needs. Consistency, reliability, and mutual respect must complement the excitement chemistry brings. An awareness of this tendency allows one to make more discerning choices, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
4. Fear of Being Alone
A fear of being alone can propel individuals to stay in unsatisfying situationships. The thought of facing solitude or the perception of repeated 'failed relationships' can be too daunting, leading to a compromise on one’s standards and desires. One might cling to a connection that is clearly unfulfilling, simply because it feels better than being without any companionship.
Learning to appreciate and enjoy one's own company can be transformative. It provides a solid foundation of self-worth and makes it easier to walk away from a relationship that doesn't serve one’s needs. Remember, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel more isolated than solitude ever could.
Moving Forward: Creating Healthy Relationship Patterns
Understanding these underlying reasons for attracting situationships is the first step in transforming relationship dynamics. Here are a few actionable steps to help move towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships:
Communicate Directly: Practice clear and honest communication about your needs and expectations from the outset. This not only sets the tone for the relationship but also filters out those who are not on the same page.
Self-Worth Work: Engage in activities and practices that bolster your self-esteem. Whether it’s through therapy, self-help resources, or support groups, strengthening your sense of worthiness is pivotal.
Value-Based Choices: Make a conscious effort to prioritise compatibility and mutual respect over fleeting chemistry. Write down what core values are non-negotiable for you and use this as a guide.
Embrace Solitude: Learn to enjoy your own company and view time spent alone as an opportunity for personal growth, rather than something to fear. This can break the cycle of settling for less than you deserve.
Breaking free from the cycle of situationships requires a combination of self-awareness, consistent practice, and often, a shift in mindset. By addressing the root causes and making deliberate, informed choices, it is entirely possible to cultivate relationships that are healthy, committed, and deeply fulfilling.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your experiences in situationships. Do you see a pattern of behaviour or choices that might be contributing to this dynamic? How do these patterns relate to your sense of self-worth?
Do you find yourself avoiding direct conversations about your relationship goals out of fear of rejection? How has this avoidance impacted your relationships?
How often do you feel tempted to "rescue" or "change" your partner in hopes of creating the relationship you desire? Reflect on moments where this has or hasn’t worked in your favour.
When it comes to chemistry versus compatibility, which do you find yourself prioritising more? How has this emphasis influenced the types of relationships you attract?
Can you identify times when you stayed in a relationship because you feared being alone or felt that having some connection was better than none? How did that affect your overall well-being?
Think about a past relationship where you accepted less than you deserved. What beliefs about yourself were underlying your decision to stay in that relationship?
How do you currently approach the ending of a relationship or situationship? Do you find yourself internalising blame or feeling like a failure? Reflect on how this affects your self-esteem and future relationships.
Are you aware of any signs of emotional unavailability in the people you attract? What steps could you take to ensure you only pursue connections that align with your relationship goals?
Reflect on a time when you clearly communicated your needs and desires in a relationship. How did it feel, and what was the outcome? What does this teach you about the importance of self-advocacy?
What does a healthy, committed, and secure relationship look like to you? Write about the characteristics and values you want in this type of relationship, and reflect on whether your past choices align with these ideals.
Use these prompts to deepen your understanding of your attachment patterns and uncover ways to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about situationships, and specifically four reasons why you keep attracting situationships into your life. Now for anyone who's not familiar with the term situationship, a situationship could sort of be defined as when you're dating someone and it's more than just a casual encounter. Maybe you've seen each other regularly and you talk a lot and, you know, it sort of starts to feel like a relationship, but it lacks, you know, those core features of maybe exclusivity or maybe you haven't talked about anything formal like that, and there's this reluctance to put a label on it. And so the relationship just sort of drifts on, without, you know, any of the foundational elements like trust and commitment and clarity, that really allows something to feel like an actual relationship. So it exists in this in between space, this limbo between something and nothing. And unfortunately, you know, from speaking to so many people, this is a really common trope of modern dating, and it's something that I think some people more than others are susceptible to.
[00:01:46]:
And that's really what we're going to be talking about today because as much as we can throw our hands up and say, why me? This is so unfair. Everyone is emotionally unavailable and all I want is a committed, healthy, secure relationship. But, you know, when it keeps happening again and again and again, it's just not really honest to suggest that we don't have a part in it. You know, that's really a common theme in everything that I share and teach, is taking responsibility for the ways in which we are creating our own destiny, be that for better or worse. So if you are someone who notices that you keep ending up in these, you know, in between noncommittal relationships where you feel like the other person is taking a lot but maybe not giving much in return, rather than just villainizing them and playing into a story where you are the victim of, you know, everyone being emotionally unavailable in the modern dating world. We're going to be looking today at some of the ways that you might be you know, unknowingly and unintentionally perpetuating those dynamics, and what you can do to shift away from those things, and really deliberately only make yourself available for the kinds of connections that really appeal to you and that are, you know, taking you in the direction that you really want to be going, rather than wasting your time, with things that ultimately feel like a bit of a dead end. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a reminder if you've listened the past couple of weeks, you would know that Healing Anxious Attachment is coming back.
[00:03:19]:
So in less than a week I will be opening registration to early bird folks on the waitlist. This is round 8 of the program. It's one that I'm really excited for. I'm going to be including more of a live component than I have in recent times. In my experience with running the Secure Self Challenge, which you might have heard me talk about or maybe you participated in, it's really made clear to me how important that community aspect is. And so for this round, and likely for future rounds of Healing Anxious Attachment, I'm really going to be putting more of an emphasis on that community and life component. So we're going to have a community space as well as several live calls with me where you can connect and ask questions, to really make sure that you have not only accountability, but support as you go through the program. And I think that that can be really helpful for folks.
[00:04:13]:
I know that moving through an online course, can feel a little bit lonely at times and maybe hard to motivate yourself to stay on track with, so hopefully these little tweaks to how I'm going to be running the program will really help you with that. So if you're interested, please do jump on the wait list. The wait list is just there to, guarantee you access to early bird pricing and ensure that you can save your seat when doors open in less than a week's time. So, do that via my website, or the link is there in the show notes underneath this episode. Okay. So let's talk about situationships and some of the reasons why you might find yourself in these relationships again and again and again. So the first reason is that you have a really deep fear of rejection, and so you avoid directly communicating about what you want and where things are at. So I think this is probably true for a lot of people with more anxious attachment patterns is that, you know, coupled with that fear of abandonment is that fear of rejection.
[00:05:21]:
And I'd say the common thread there is that worthiness wound, this sense of not being good enough, not being, you know, desirable, attractive, smart, funny, whatever. We don't really see our own value, and so we really, really fear someone else confirming our perception of ourselves, which to me is really what lies at the heart of a fear of rejection is, you know, I already reject myself so deeply, and so if you don't want me, then that acts as confirmation of all of my greatest fears that I am, you know, not worthy of being wanted or chosen by anyone. And so, oftentimes, when that's the base layer, when that's what's sitting underneath, you know, our behaviors and what's driving us, when we're dating, we tend to pursue more indirect ways of gathering information, of scoping out whether someone's interested. You know, we avoid just directly saying, hey, here's what I'm looking for. Are you looking for the same thing? For fear that the answer will be no, and then we'll take that to mean something about us at a really fundamental level that, you know, if we were otherwise, if we were someone else better, then they would want more of a relationship, then they would want to commit. And again, this is just such a fallacy. It's such a signal. You should really if you have those sorts of internal thoughts, that's a really good sign that you have some worthiness stuff going on and that it's driving this, you know, indirect pattern, where you're afraid to advocate for yourself for something as simple as, like, what am I looking for in a relationship? You know, avoiding those sorts of questions.
[00:07:03]:
And I hear this all the time from people saying, like, when is it too soon to start asking someone? We've been, you know, texting for 4 months, and we've only met up once. You know, how should I navigate this? Am I being too needy? It's really important to understand that your reluctance to just come out and say, here's what I'm available for, here's what I'm not available for, that is where your dysfunction meets theirs. So you're like, yes, this person might be, quote, unquote, emotionally unavailable. They might be, you know, taking advantage of the situation. They might be, you know, only available to sleep with you, but not to actually spend time with you or get to know you or other things like that. But you're participating in it, and you're tiptoeing around them because you don't want to be rejected. You don't want to lose the connection, and that lack of directness, that fear of actually just saying, here's what I want, and being really comfortable with the fact that they might want something else, and that doesn't mean anything about you. You might be disappointed if they want something other than what you want.
[00:08:09]:
That might be a shame, but it doesn't mean that, you know, no one's ever going to want you or want the same thing as you. So really look at that and go, Am I tiptoeing? Am I avoiding a conversation for fear of what that might uncover? And just remind yourself that if they don't want the same thing as you, that's going to become apparent sooner or later. And so do I want to be wasting my time, you know, trying to turn this into something that it's never going to become, so that I can feel good about myself or feel like I've won in some way? I think that that's a very easy path to go down when we struggle with self worth, but it is not going to lead you to the kind of relationship that you want. It's likely going to lead you, round and round in circles of frustration and overwhelm and confusion and doubt, and that's not what we want our relationships to be characterized by. And this leads me really nicely into the second reason why you might find yourself in situationships again and again and again. And that is that you convince yourself that if you can just hold on, then, you know, over time you'll be able to influence them to, you know, choose you, to want you. Like, if you can kind of sink your teeth in, then eventually they'll change their mind. So even if at the start they say, I'm not really looking for a relationship, but then, you know, they keep messaging you and you keep meeting up and sleeping together or whatever it might be, but it stops short of anything more committed than that, you might be telling yourself, like, oh, well, I'll just take, you know, this watered down version for now, but if I can spend more time with them and, you know, be really loving and thought full, then they'll see how valuable I am, and surely they will change their mind.
[00:10:00]:
Right? If I can just, like, love them into availability, then everything will be good. Again, I think we can really fall into this trap when we have, you know, not only the unworthiness thing, but when we have that, like, rescuer streak in us. We tell ourselves that we are gonna be the one to change them, to save them. You know, we understand their unavailability, and if they could just open up to us and be vulnerable with us, we'll hold space for them, and they'll feel so seen, and then they'll really see the value in us, and all of that savior complex kind of stuff that we can get stuck in. Again, I say this not from a place of, you know, blaming or shaming. I am very susceptible to this myself, as is anyone who has that combination of a worthiness wound with really strong emotional attunement. It's very easy to put ourselves in that role of coach and therapist and think that we can, you know, transform someone. We can be the inspiration for their big metamorphosis into the version of themselves that they could become if they, you know, sorted all of their intimacy fears out or whatever it might be.
[00:11:12]:
Trust me when I say that that is not again, it's not a role you want to play. It's not a road you want to walk down, because you'll always know deep down that even if that works in the sense that, you know, they change their mind, you'll know that it was because you had to convince them in this insidious kind of way. So don't fall into that trap of trying to, you know, convert someone, persuade them, influence them into being available for a relationship with you. Trust that there are people who are available for a relationship with you who would jump at the opportunity to be in relationship with you, rather than feeling like you need to kind of steward someone into readiness for something like that. Okay? Alright. The third reason that you might find yourself winding up in situationships is that you're a sucker for chemistry, and you tend to prioritize chemistry over things like compatibility and connection. Now, chemistry is not a red flag, and I think that there's a lot of talk about this on social media. You know, we talk about chemistry as if we need to be really wary of chemistry.
[00:12:20]:
I don't think that's necessarily true. I think chemistry can be a beautiful thing about the start of a relationship, and it's really lovely to have good chemistry with someone. But we just don't want to be guided by chemistry and overlook all of the other things that might not be a fit. You know, we don't want to be like a moth to a flame, where chemistry blinds us to everything else that might be present or absent in the connection when those other things are important to us, in order to feel satisfied with, you know, pursuing something. So again, I think that among people with more anxious attachment patterns, there is this tendency to really latch on to, like, oh, we have such amazing chemistry. Oh, we have such an amazing connection. It would be you know, it would feel like a sin to let that go because whenever I'm with them or whenever I'm talking to them, I feel so amazing. You know, I feel like we just get along so well.
[00:13:15]:
We can kind of, you know, really over index on this chemistry thing as, like, oh, it has to mean something that we have this incredible connection. Right? Oh, they're so charming. Oh, they make me feel so, you know, special and seen and all of these things. Again, nothing wrong with that, but we really need to also be paying attention to, is this person consistent? Are they reliable? Do they want the same things as me? Do their words and their actions match up? If there's no substance underlying that chemistry or that connection, then we're likely to be led astray, and we're much more prone to ending up in these situationships, some approximation of what we really want, because we've gotten carried away by how good it feels when we are connected with them. And then we, you know, get stuck in that cycle of chasing the high and kind of frantically wanting to get back to connection. So, you know, if they're not texting regularly or, you know, they're available and then they cancel at the last minute, rather than seeing that for what it is and going, okay. This person's probably, you know, not really committed to spending time with me. You know, they're a bit flaky.
[00:14:27]:
They're unreliable. That's not what I'm looking for. We instead go, oh, what did I do wrong? Have I upset them? How do I make them want me? Do I need to work harder so that this discomfort that I'm experiencing doesn't happen again, and I can, you know, secure them and the time together so that I can, you know, turn this into something more? I think we really need to see things for what they are, and sometimes chemistry, or a really strong connection, can blind us to reality. So just be mindful of that. Again, this won't apply to everyone, and chemistry is not in and of itself a problem that we need to solve for or be suspicious of. Again, I get messages from people being like, do I need to worry if I have good chemistry with someone? No, of course not. But it is good to bear in mind that some people, and you'll probably know if this is you, chemistry can lead you astray, or it can cloud your judgment or cloud your discernment, around other things that may or may not be in alignment about the relationship. So, just be careful about that if you know that that's you, and if you know that it has historically led you to end up in situationships or relationships that aren't actually in alignment with what you want, what you value, and how you want to be treated.
[00:15:46]:
Okay. And the 4th reason that you might find yourself ending up in situations time and time again is you fear that you can't do any better and that something is better than nothing when it comes to relationships. So if you're someone who really struggles with being alone, again, this is all very much connected to that worthiness thing. If you think that just having some connection, even if it's really not in alignment, if it's not what you want, but maybe you don't think you can do any better, maybe you've really struggled with being alone, maybe you've had a string of, you know, so called failed relationships, not that I would use that term, but I know a lot of people use it about themselves. If you've had that kind of relationship history, and you don't want to feel like a failure again, and you don't want to face what it might mean about you to get excited about someone and then be let down or disappointed again, because you tend to internalize that and make it mean something about your worth, your value, your lovability, in those circumstances, you might just hold on and, you know, stay connected because the alternative feels too painful, too scary, too overwhelming, too uncomfortable to bear. And so again, this might feed into some of those other things we've talked about where, you know, I'll just hold on and then maybe I can make them change, or with time it will get better. All of those stories we might tell ourselves, and I would say lies we might tell ourselves, not always, but often, a part of us knows on a deep level that the relationship isn't right, but we either hold on or we keep going back for fear that, you know, it's it's the best we're going to get even though it's so far short of what we truly want. So you might find yourself, you know, holding on or accepting much less than what you want or something very different to what you want, because you don't want to be alone, or even if it's not about being alone.
[00:17:39]:
You know, I hear a lot of people say, I'm actually okay with being by myself. It's not that I struggle to spend time alone, but it's what we make it mean when a relationship ends, and we have to let go of the fantasy that we had about what it could become, and how wonderful it could be. I think that's where it really stings. That's where it really hurts and kind of gets at our self worth, and all of those voices in our head can get really, really loud where we worry that it's always going to be this way, and we're always going to be stuck in this cycle. You know, the great irony of that is that the fear of always being stuck in the cycle is actually what keeps us in the cycle, because we hold on then, and we accept less than what we deserve. So it can be a really vicious downward spiral, if we allow it to be. So a really important thing is to go, you know, I'm not going to continue to participate on these terms. I'm not going to make myself available for something that falls so short of my standards, you know, my hopes, my desires for the kind of relationship that I want in my life, and you really have to trust that more is available to you if you're going to make that call.
[00:18:43]:
Because of course, if we really do believe that nothing better is out there for us, then why wouldn't we accept so much less, right? So that is a big mindset piece, a big, you know, self belief piece that we do need to address at the outset, if we do want to really up level in terms of the quality and caliber of connection that we are attracting, and pursuing in our lives, in our dating. Okay? So I hope that that was helpful, insightful, maybe you saw some of yourself in those patterns. And you know, again as always, this is not intended to make you feel bad about yourself. Quite the contrary, it's intended to empower you to take responsibility, to understand yourself, always with compassion, you know, recognizing that much of this comes from some pretty deep wounds that so many of us carry, so it's not something that you need to beat yourself up about, nor is it something that you need to feel, you know, condemned to a lifetime of being stuck in that pattern. All of this stuff is able to be unlearned and we can, you know, learn more effective and more aligned strategies for creating the life and, you know, the relationships that we want, and that's really what we're doing here. So, sending you lots of love. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review or a rating, and definitely consider jumping on the wait list for Healing Anxious Attachment because everything that we've talked about today is very much in keeping of what we dive deep into over 8 weeks in that program. So I would love to see as many of you there as possible. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
situationships, modern dating, fear of rejection, anxious attachment, relationship coach, emotionally unavailable, commitment, self-worth, worthiness wound, noncommittal relationships, dating patterns, attachment theory, relationship guidance, boundaries in dating, communication in relationships, avoiding rejection, vulnerability in dating, trust in relationships, transforming relationships, emotional attunement, chemistry in relationships, compatibility in dating, prioritizing connection, avoiding loneliness, rescuing behavior, unhealthy relationships, secure attachment, online course, live coaching, relationship program
#153 3 Tips for Avoidant Attached People to Experience Healthier Conflict
This week, we're talking all about how avoidant attached people can experience conflict in a healthier, more productive way. I'll be sharing three tips that will allow you to feel more connected, grounded and in control in the way you approach conflict in your relationship.
Navigating Conflict for Avoidant Attachments: Three Key Tips
Conflict in relationships is inevitable. However, for those with avoidant attachment styles, conflict can often feel particularly daunting. It may lead to withdrawal, a sense of numbness, or an overwhelming desire to keep the peace at all costs. Understanding how to navigate these situations can transform conflict from a point of contention into an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. Here are three key tips for those with avoidant attachment styles to experience healthier conflict in their relationships.
1. Acknowledge Your Internal Experience
During conflict, it’s common for avoidantly attached individuals to feel overwhelmed or to shut down entirely. Rather than engaging, they might find themselves disassociating or unable to articulate their thoughts and feelings. When this happens, it’s vital to communicate what is going on internally. A simple phrase like, “I hear you, but I’m struggling to find the words right now,” can be profoundly impactful.
By acknowledging your experience, you offer your partner insight into your emotional state. This not only reduces the tension but also helps your partner feel heard and validated. Instead of viewing your silence as indifference or disengagement, your partner can understand that you are trying but are in need of a moment to gather your thoughts. This transparency fosters empathy and reduces the likelihood of the conversation escalating into an unproductive argument.
2. Listen Beyond the Words
Conflicts often come with a barrage of complaints and criticisms, especially when one partner has an anxious attachment style. For avoidant individuals, this can feel like an attack, prompting defensive reactions or withdrawal. Instead of responding to the literal complaints, try to listen to the underlying emotions and needs.
For example, if your partner says, “You never spend time with me,” they might actually be expressing feelings of loneliness or a need for more connection. By responding to the emotion beneath the complaint—such as saying, “It sounds like you’ve been feeling lonely, and I’m sorry for that”—you demonstrate empathy and understanding. This approach helps to defuse tension and shifts the conversation from blame towards a mutual understanding and solution.
3. Requesting Time-Outs Constructively
When emotions run high, continuing the conversation can sometimes do more harm than good. If you feel yourself becoming too defensive or shutting down emotionally, don’t be afraid to request a time-out. However, it’s crucial to frame this request in a way that reassures your partner you are not avoiding the issue altogether.
Say something like, “I need some time to calm down and gather my thoughts. Can we continue this discussion in a couple of hours?” Providing a specific time to reconvene signals to your partner that you are committed to addressing the conflict but need a moment to regain composure. This time can help both of you approach the issue with a clearer mind and a calmer emotional state, making the conversation more productive.
Conclusion
Avoidant attachments can make conflict in relationships particularly challenging, but it doesn’t have to be an insurmountable hurdle. By acknowledging your internal experiences, listening beyond the surface complaints, and requesting time-outs constructively, it’s possible to navigate conflicts more healthily and constructively. These practices can lead not only to a resolution but also to a deeper understanding and connection between partners. Embracing these strategies can transform conflict from a dreaded event into an opportunity for growth and closeness.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself avoiding conflicts in your relationship? Reflect on why this might be – is it a fear of long, draining conversations or something else?
How do you typically respond when you feel overwhelmed during a conflict? Do you tend to shut down, dissociate, or become defensive?
Have you ever tried expressing that you’re struggling to find the words during a heated conversation? How did it impact the interaction?
How do you perceive your partner's complaints or criticisms? Are you able to see the underlying emotions or needs that might be driving their concerns?
When your partner feels neglected or lonely, how do you usually react? Can you think of ways to acknowledge their feelings more effectively?
During conflicts, do you notice yourself becoming highly defensive or numb? How do these responses affect your ability to resolve the issue constructively?
What might it look like for you to ask for a time out during a conflict? How can you communicate the need for a break without it feeling like an escape to your partner?
Reflect on a recent conflict. Were you able to understand your partner's underlying emotions and needs? How might you have approached it differently with this understanding?
How do you currently manage your need for space during conflicts? Is this communicated effectively to your partner?
Is there a pattern in your conflicts where you feel particularly misunderstood or invalidated? How might you address this with your partner to foster better mutual understanding and resolution?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Healing Anxious Attachment is relaunching soon! Join the waitlist here.
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are doing 3 tips for avoidant attaches during conflict. So if you listened last week, I did sort of part 1 of this topic, which was 3 tips for anxiously attached people during conflict. And as promised, I'm coming back with part 2 this week, which is around avoidant attachment, and some steps that avoidant attaches can take to shift the the status quo in conflict in your relationships. As I spoke to last week, we all contribute to these patterns even if we feel like it's really easy to blame the other person.
[00:01:05]:
You know, if they didn't do their thing, I wouldn't do my thing. That tends to be true on both sides, and that is good news because it means that we have more power over changing the patterns than maybe we realize. So today's episode is going to be sharing some pointers for avoidant people in conflict with your partner so that you can hopefully have more productive conversations where you can really hear each other and get to a resolution that is mutually satisfactory, quicker maybe than than you tend to. I know that for avoiding attaches, one of the big gripes with their anxious partners is, you know, having conversations that go on for hours and hours and hours. And I know that that can feel excruciatingly painful and can really feed into your resistance to talking about relationship stuff more broadly because you feel like every time you open the can of worms, it's signing up for one of those big, drawn out, long, emotional conversations that are so taxing for you. So hopefully with these few tips today, you can short circuit some of that and maybe find a new way of doing things that allows both you and your partner to get what you need out of those conversations rather than swirling around in them endlessly. Before I dive into these three tips, a reminder in case you missed it last week, Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature program, is coming back in a few weeks' time. So if you are interested in joining the wait list for that program, being on the wait list simply gives you guaranteed access to exclusive early bird pricing, as well as being notified when doors open so that you can make sure that you don't miss out.
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We've had over 2,000 people in the program. It always gets really beautiful feedback. And if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and would like to work on becoming more secure, I would love to have you there. So please do check that out if you're interested, jump on the wait list, and yeah, I hope to see as many of you there as possible. Okay. Let's dive into this conversation around avoidant attachment and conflict. So as I did with anxious attachment, I will set the scene briefly. For avoidant attaches, I think it would be fair to say that conflict avoidance is the norm, and that can come from different places, as I alluded to in the introduction, that can come from a place of not wanting to have to embark upon those very long, painful conversations that can feel I think they're draining for everyone, but they're particularly draining for the avoidant partner who, you know, it is not their comfort zone to be talking about emotions for 3 hours, whether it's their emotions or someone else's, particularly when they feel like those conversations are just an opportunity for them to be dragged through the mud and told all of the ways that they are not good enough, not measuring up, disappointing their partner.
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That's a big ask for someone to sit through that. And so I think for avoidant attaches, there can be this sense of, let's just not talk about it. If we don't talk about it, then there's no problem. And they can be quite content with, you know, leaving things unsaid, maybe sweeping things under the rug because that feels much more peaceful and conducive to overall harmony than having those big conversations. Those conversations can just feel like, you know, from the avoidant perspective, it's like, why would we possibly want to do that? It is such a, you know, it is such a burdensome thing to have to do to sit through those conversations. Whereas for the anxious partner, it's, we absolutely must have those conversations because if we don't have those conversations, it's all I can think about. Whereas for the one partner, it's like, it's the last thing I want to think about, all of those issues in our relationship, so I just compartmentalize and carry on with my life quite happily. So again, neither is better or worse.
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It's just totally different approaches to conflict, and that's why it's so important to, you know, foster and cultivate more understanding and awareness of the ways in which our partner might be different to us, because then we can depersonalize it a bit and realize that, you know, they're not out to get us, they're actually just out to protect themselves, and this goes for most everyone. Okay. So for avoidant attaches, there can be this commitment to keeping the peace and harmony, as well as avoiding those sorts of conversations which really do detract from their overall sense of the relationship being worthwhile. I think that while anxiously attached people will happily have those conversations and have those sorts of conflicts, and not then think that there's anything wrong with the relationship. For avoidant attaches, it can really wear them down quite quickly and can make them feel like, you know, this shouldn't be happening. In a good relationship, we wouldn't be having these fights, and so it can really, you know, detract from their overall satisfaction with the relationship. So here are my tips for avoiding attaches during conflict. The first one is really simple but it almost feels like a hack because I think it is that simple but that effective.
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And it is if you don't know what to say, which will often happen for avoidant attaches because you tend to slow down during conflict, you tend to go blank, go numb, you might feel like your partner's just talking at you and you've totally dissociated from your body. You, you know, can't even hear them. You know, they're speaking for 5 minutes straight, and you can't actually remember what they've said. And so you just kind of sit there staring into your hands or staring at the wall, and you could feel their frustration and irritation mounting, and then they might get, you know, even more kind of attacking at you and say, well, aren't you gonna say something? You're just sitting there. I just said all of this stuff, and you don't even have anything to say. Don't you care at all? Those sorts of, you know, escalations which can feel just like a lot of pressure when you're already, you know, really struggling and really stressed, just say, I'm having a really hard time finding the words. I hear you, but I'm really struggling to gather my thoughts or to know what to say. That is 1,000,000 times better than saying nothing, I promise.
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And I say this as someone who leans more anxious. If my partner says, I hear you, but I'm struggling to find the words right now to articulate myself, that is so much better than him saying nothing. And that allows me to know that I've been heard and to feel validated and understood, but also it allows me to access compassion and empathy for the fact that, you know, he's having a hard time. When he just sits there silently, and to be fair, he doesn't do this very often, but if he just sits there silently, it's really easy for me to have an internal narrative that he, you know, isn't listening, doesn't care, isn't engaging, isn't putting an effort, just from that very fear driven self protective place. But as soon as he's able to articulate what's going on for him, you know, narrating that inner experience, of I'm feeling really numb, I'm having a hard time finding the words, immediately I can go, oh, okay. I know this person. I know they care. I know they're doing their best, and I don't have to feel so defensive, and I'm sure that applies for many people.
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So saying what you're feeling, even if it's I don't know what to say or I'm feeling numb or I'm feeling defensive, those things are so much better than saying nothing. Okay. The next one is and this is a big ask and it's really hard, but try to hear through your partner's complaint to the desire that sits underneath or to the emotion that sits underneath. So if you have a more anxious leaning partner, as you typically will if you are more avoidant, your partner probably comes at you in conflict with what sounds like a long list of complaints of things that you aren't doing right or that you need to do differently. And it's very easy and understandable that you would sit there and switch off or become very defensive in response to that, that you might want to argue with their analysis of you and point out all the ways in which they are wrong or you don't agree. But that will only lead them to feel invalidated and escalate and take your fighting back as proof that you don't really care about them and so on and so forth. Whereas if you're able to say, it sounds like you've been feeling a bit lonely when they're saying you never spent time with me and you don't even prioritize me. If you can find it within yourself to peel back the top layer, which is coming through as a complaint or a criticism or an attack, and go, what's the feeling under here? What are they needing from me? What's like the tenderness? What's the hurt? And can I speak to that? Can I respond to that rather than the actual words that they've said? Because I promise you, if you're able to say, I'm so sorry.
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It sounds like you've really been missing spending time together, or I hear you. I'm hearing that you're feeling neglected or lonely, or it sounds like it's hard for you. When I'm, you know, not communicative, I'm really sorry. I'll try and do better. It's almost like you're just taking a pin and popping the balloon, and it's all just gonna deflate all of that tension in your partner because really what they're doing and, you know, undeniably, they could be more skillful about it. Right? Anxious partners can be really almost aggressive in the way that they approach this, and that is not helpful. I will be the 1st to admit that, it's not productive. But if you can find it within yourself to look through underneath to the tender part of whatever it is they're trying to say, it will just stop the whole argument in its tracks, I promise.
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And that will really allow them to feel so seen and held, which is all they really want. Right? In all of those big, long conversations, I promise all they want is to feel validated and cared for. And so if you can find a way to say, I see you, it makes sense why you're feeling the way you're feeling, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, and I care about what you have to say, it's just like the whole thing will will melt and you'll be back into connection. They'll let go of all of that anger and frustration that they're coming at you with, and you'll be able to find your way to a much more constructive solution much more quickly. So try and see through, you know, the complaint to whatever the the hurt or the pain is underneath. And if you can wrap that in some love and care, then you're going to be having a whole different conversation with a whole different version of your partner. Okay. And the third one is, and this is really one for you in terms of supporting yourself, don't be afraid to ask for a time out or some space if you need it.
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So it's really not worthwhile to persist in conflict if you are feeling really dysregulated, if you are, like, totally numbed out, if you are very angry and defensive, if you notice those sorts of responses coming up and you are just so entrenched in seeing your partner is the bad guy and is the enemy and you feel, like, a lot of anger or, you know, frustration, defensiveness towards them, there's no point in just persevering. And this is true on both sides. This is a tip for anxious people as well. There is no point persevering once you reach a certain point of dysregulation because you are not hearing each other. All you're seeing is like red. Right? Both of you. It's just in total threat mode, and you are just in attack, defend, fight, flight. It is not productive to have a conversation from that place.
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Your empathy is offline, your rationality is offline, you're both in this very tunnel visioned place. So don't just push through thinking that, you know, if you stay in it long enough you're going to find your way to a resolution. You almost certainly won't, you'll just end up hurting each other, and walking away from it feeling really depleted and disconnected. So don't be afraid to ask for a time out if you need one. And, you know, the helpful thing, and I've given this advice many times before, if you are more avoidant, say, look, I think we should take a time out. I notice I'm getting really defensive. I don't think this is going to be very constructive right now. Can we come back to this in 2 hours? Or whatever.
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But ask for the time out and serve up the reassurance of I'm not just trying to escape, I'm not just trying to get out of the conversation altogether, because if there's any sense of that, your partner is going to protest against the time out. But if you can say, I need some space and I do want to hear what you have to say, I just don't think I can right now. I don't think I have the capacity right now. And and really frame it in a way that I'm asking for this time out so that I can better hear you because this is important to me, and I do care, rather than I just need space because you're too much, and I don't want to deal with this right now, which is not going to land very well. So don't be afraid to ask for the time out if you need, but serve up the, you know, when and where we're gonna come back to this and follow through on that. Okay? Don't just wait until they raise it, or don't try and get out of it somehow. You know, be respectful of what you've said and and of them by coming back to the conversation when you said you would. Okay.
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So those were the 3 tips for avoidant attaches on better conflict. I hope that that's been helpful, both for those avoidant folks who are listening, but also for their anxious partners. Maybe you can listen to this together or or share it with your partner. If you've enjoyed this episode, so grateful for those of you who do leave reviews and ratings on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. For anyone who wants to watch rather than listen, a reminder that these are all uploaded to YouTube, and if you wanna go and like and subscribe there, that is hugely helpful as I am trying to build a YouTube channel. It's very humbling to start from scratch on a new platform. But, yes, thank you for all of your support, and I hope to see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment styles, avoidant attachment, conflict resolution, relationships, relationship tips, insecure attachment, healthy relationships, anxious attachment, emotional regulation, avoidant behaviour, communication skills, relationship coaching, attachment patterns, avoidance in relationships, anxious partner, avoiding conflict, emotional support, relationship dynamics, conflict management, relationship satisfaction, relationship struggles, practical guidance, understanding partners, managing conflict, attachment coaching, relational harmony, attachment awareness, emotional connection, relationship podcast, relationship tools