#175: Perfectionism & Anxious Attachment
In today's episode, we explore how perfectionism intersects with anxious attachment and impacts our ability to form secure relationships. We examine how the drive for perfection often stems from attachment wounds around unworthiness and creates barriers to authentic connection.
In today's episode, we explore how perfectionism intersects with anxious attachment and impacts our ability to form secure relationships. We examine how the drive for perfection often stems from attachment wounds around unworthiness and creates barriers to authentic connection.
Key themes covered:
The links between perfectionism and anxious attachment patterns
How perfectionism manifests in relationships (performing, people-pleasing, fear of making mistakes)
The connection between perfectionism and fear of abandonment
Why perfectionism creates distance in relationships despite our intentions for closeness
How perfectionism impacts vulnerability and emotional intimacy
We discuss practical steps for:
Recognising perfectionist patterns in your relationships
Moving from self-criticism to self-compassion
Embracing "good enough" in relationships
Building tolerance for imperfection
Showing up authentically in relationships
Navigating Perfectionism and Anxious Attachment in Relationships
In the intricate world of human emotions, our attachment styles profoundly influence how we interact with others, particularly in romantic relationships. Among these, anxious attachment and perfectionism often coalesce into an intricate dance of fear, striving, and yearning for acceptance. Many people, burdened by an underlying sense of unworthiness, find themselves trapped in a cycle of perfectionism, believing that flawless performance is the key to love and acceptance. Understanding the intersection of these patterns can offer a pathway to more authentic, fulfilling relationships.
Understanding Perfectionism and Its Roots
Perfectionism is often misunderstood as a quirky trait—something harmless or perhaps even admirable, akin to having a tidy desk or neat handwriting. In reality, perfectionism runs far deeper. At its core, it is a protective strategy, a response to the fear of rejection and failure. The driving belief here is, "If I'm not perfect, I am unworthy of love and acceptance." This fear-based striving for flawlessness is not simply about being meticulous—it's about a profound dread of the consequences that perceived imperfections might bring: rejection, disapproval, and the ultimate terror, abandonment.
For many, this unrelenting pursuit of perfection is tied to a deep-seated fear of not being good enough—a common experience among those with anxious attachment styles. This belief can lead to an exhausting cycle of self-criticism and shame, where any slip-up feels catastrophic, and self-compassion seems impossible. This internal battle often spills over into relationships, where anxiously attached individuals may feel they must be perfect to earn their partner's love and approval.
The Perfectionism-Anxious Attachment Cycle
Anxious attachment is characterised by a heightened sensitivity to the fear of abandonment. Those who experience it often live in a constant state of alert, scanning for possible signs of rejection. This vigilance can manifest in perfectionistic behaviours—endeavouring to be the "ideal" partner who offers everything their loved one might need to prevent them from leaving.
However, this approach is a double-edged sword. While it might temporarily soothe fears of rejection, it also prevents genuine connection. The relentless effort to be perfect and the resulting inauthenticity block true vulnerability and intimacy—the very ingredients needed for a trusting relationship. As individuals hide parts of themselves they deem unloveable, they feel unseen and unchosen, perpetuating feelings of inadequacy and the cycle of anxious attachment.
Breaking Free: Cultivating Self-Compassion and Authenticity
The journey towards healing these patterns begins with self-awareness and self-compassion. Recognising when perfectionism takes the wheel is the first step. Acknowledging the underlying fears and wounds allows individuals to separate their true selves from the protective strategies they have adopted. It is about gently turning towards oneself with curiosity rather than judgement.
Cultivating a kinder internal dialogue—one that embraces all parts of the self, not just the polished, curated versions—can ease the grip of perfectionism. The more individuals can accept and love themselves unconditionally, the less reliant they become on external approval to validate their worth. This shift creates space for vulnerability, allowing for more authentic and meaningful connections.
The Role of Relationships in Healing
While self-work is the foundation, healing from anxious attachment and perfectionism is also relational. Positive experiences in relationships can be incredibly healing for those who have struggled with these patterns. Being with someone who sees and loves you in all your imperfect glory can dismantle the long-held belief that you're only worthy of love when you are perfect. Such relationships, characterised by safety and trust, offer a nurturing environment where one can slowly release the shield of perfectionism and embrace vulnerability.
In these relationships, true intimacy is nurtured. You begin to understand that you do not have to be perfect to be lovable, and that imperfections do not diminish your value. Instead, they can become bridges to deeper connection when shared with the right person.
Conclusion
Overcoming the entwined challenges of anxious attachment and perfectionism is undoubtedly a journey—a process of slowly reconstructing one's beliefs about worthiness and love. It involves embracing the messiness and imperfection of being human and recognising that worth is innate, not something to be earned through flawless performance. With self-compassion as a guide and authentic relationships as safe havens, it's entirely possible to experience relationships where you are loved for exactly who you are, not who you think you need to be. Through this healing, our connections can become truly rewarding spaces of acceptance and mutual respect.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you felt the need to be perfect in a relationship. What fears or insecurities might have been driving that need for perfection?
Consider the idea that perfectionism could be a protective strategy. What might your perfectionism be trying to protect you from in your closest relationships?
How has the pursuit of perfection impacted your ability to be authentic with others? What might be different if you allowed yourself to show more of your true self?
Discuss the connection between perfectionism and shame as explained in the episode. In what ways do you recognize this interplay in your own life?
Reflect on how perfectionism and people-pleasing manifest in your relationships. Can you identify moments where you've abandoned your true desires to maintain an image of perfection?
Think about the idea that perfectionism could hinder vulnerability in relationships. How might embracing your imperfections encourage deeper connections with others?
What does the concept of "self-compassion" mean to you, and how might cultivating it help in reducing perfectionistic tendencies?
Have you ever experienced self-criticism as a result of failing to meet your own standards? How did that experience affect your self-worth or relationships?
Consider the notion of presenting a "false version" of yourself to others. What are the risks and rewards of letting those close to you see the parts of yourself that you often hide?
What might be some first steps you can take to start softening perfectionistic patterns in your life? How could this change the dynamics of your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
Join the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! Starts 10 Feb 2025
Additional Resources
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about perfectionism and the role that it plays in our relationships, how it intersects with our attachment patterns. So I've actually done an episode a while ago, probably a couple of years ago now, on the role of perfectionism in anxious avoidant dynamics and how relationally, patterns of perfectionism can influence how we perceive our partner from an anxious perspective and an avoidant perspective. I'll link that episode in the show notes. What I'm really talking about today is probably more from the perspective of anxious attachment and how our self perception can be governed by perfectionism and how perfectionism really is a protective strategy, like most everything else that we experience in relationships, where it comes from, what it is protecting against, and how we can maybe soften some of those patterns so that we can experience more self acceptance, more ease, more trust in our relationship.
[00:01:32]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. My Secure Self Challenge started two days ago. It's a twenty eight day challenge for building self worth. And as we'll be talking about in today's episode, building deep, embodied self worth is absolutely essential to overcoming patterns of self protection like perfectionism. As I said, the challenge officially kicked off on Monday this week, but I will be leaving registration open until the end of the week if there are any last minute people who want to squeeze in to this round. I run it usually twice a year, so if you are interested, there probably won't be another opportunity to participate in the challenge until the second half of the year. So as I said, link is in the show notes.
[00:02:14]:
You can go and check that out and join us if that appeals. Second quick announcement. I can't believe that I haven't actually shared this on the podcast. It's a little embarrassing because it speaks to how disorganized I am, but I created a free resource a couple of months ago now, that I've shared on Instagram. So if you follow me there, you've probably already seen it. But it is called the anxious attachment starter kit. As I said, it's completely free. It includes a video where I speak about my own journey with anxious attachment and and how I healed my anxious attachment.
[00:02:44]:
It also includes a workbook with journal prompts looking at anxious attachment and those patterns, and it also includes an exclusive guided meditation on affirmations for anxious attachment, sort of self soothing. So those are all exclusive resources in this anxious attachment starter kit. So if you'd like to download that completely for free, I've linked that in the show notes as well, or you can head to my website and check out the freebies page there, and it is listed. Again, my apologies. I haven't shared that here sooner. That is terribly disorganized of me. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around perfectionism and how it interfaces with our attachment wounds and our patterns in relationships.
[00:03:24]:
So I think there can be some misconceptions around perfectionism. I think sometimes when we talk about perfectionism casually, it's almost spoken about as if it's just like mild neuroticism, someone who has, like, a perfectly tidy desk at work, or who has immaculately neat handwriting, or is very particular about how things have to be. But in reality, I think perfectionism goes a lot deeper than that. And I think for most of us, perfectionism is really coming from this place of, if I am not perfect, then I will be unloved, I will be not good enough, I will be rejected, cast out, judged, disapproved of. So it's this sense of, like, desperately striving to earn our worth by not allowing ourselves to be imperfect. And I think that's actually a much better way of looking at it. Perfectionism is not about, like, wanting to be perfect. I mean, it is, but it's coming from the place of fear of what it would mean if we weren't perfect.
[00:04:27]:
And for those of us who struggle with unworthiness, which is frankly, I think most of us, certainly most of the people who listen to this podcast, and certainly anyone who struggles with anxious attachment patterns and and probably disorganized attachment patterns as well, this deep worthiness wound or unworthiness wound that we carry that has us believe that we are not good enough and that we have to earn or prove our worth somehow. We have to earn people's love, affection, approval. And perfectionism emerges as a way for us to do that. It's our system trying to present a version of ourselves that is flawless, because we believe that any cracks in the armor, anything we do wrong, we put one foot out of line, and that's going to be the trigger for people rejecting us, disapproving of us, excluding us, not loving us, leaving us. Right? And so we start to see that this is actually a strategy that's protecting against a lot of those core wounds, and that's really where perfectionism intersects with our attachment patterns and our attachment style. And, you know, relationally, I think for most people with anxious attachment, as you would know, the abandonment wound and that fear of rejection is so at the heart of your attachment style and everything that you fear in relationships. Right? And so for anxiously attached people, there's this sense that I have to be perfect or else you're going to leave me. And I think that actually, you know, patterns of jealousy and comparison and lots of other things that anxious attachers will experience in relationships, I think, are branches off the same tree.
[00:06:05]:
It's this sense of, like, I'm always looking over my shoulder. I'm always scanning for threats because I think you're gonna leave me for someone else because I'm not good enough. And so I try to be perfect. I compare myself to everyone else who's sort of in our orbit to make sure that there are no threats. There's nothing else I should be doing in order to get you and keep you. The other side of that, and this is something that Brene Brown talks about, is like, the flip side of perfectionism is shame. Because if we fail, or are seen to fail, we do something wrong. Shame is very quick to jump in and punish us with self criticism and blame and pointing the finger of, if anything bad happens, it's because of you and you're not good enough in sort of an essential way.
[00:06:51]:
There's really no space for self compassion, for self forgiveness, when we are stuck in these rigid patterns of perfectionism and shame. And that is a really painful and fractured internal relationship because we become our own worst enemy there. We've got such exacting standards for how we have to be, and they really are unattainable and unsustainable. And so we live in this constant anxiety of knowing that sooner or later we will make a mistake because we are human, and yet also knowing that we're going to beat ourselves up for that, and the the immense shame that we will feel if and when we do do something wrong or make a mistake or, we are seen to be imperfect, that lurking shame that we carry that's going to bubble up to the surface feels like it's going to swallow us, and that's so aversive. Right? Like, we want to avoid that as much as we possibly can, and so, of course, that really narrows our window of tolerance. That makes us really anxious around trying to avoid certain experiences, and there's just more and more contraction in our system as we walk this tightrope of perfectionism and shame. The other challenging thing about perfectionism in relationships is the way that it links in with patterns of people pleasing and self abandonment, right? If we think that we have to be perfect in order to be lovable, or to get our partner to choose us, to get someone to commit to us, to to stop them from leaving us, then we're almost certainly not being authentic, right? Because no one is authentically perfect, and perfectionism is essentially a performance. It's, you know, suppressing certain parts of us and dialing up others, over functioning, overworking, striving all the time, never really resting in an easeful, peaceful place.
[00:08:47]:
Because, again, we've always got this lurking thing of, if you do anything wrong really bad, things are going to happen. And so it actually blocks us from vulnerability. It blocks us from deeply, authentically connecting with someone, because we're not letting them see all of these parts of ourselves. Right? We've siloed and exiled and buried away all the parts of ourselves that we deem to be imperfect, unacceptable, unlovable. And when we do that and we're presenting this false version of ourselves that is very curated and, you know, carefully selected as the parts of us that we decide are worthy of love, then we're actually not giving someone a chance to really know us and to really love us and to really choose us. And it becomes this almost self perpetuating thing where deep down we know that it's unsustainable, maybe not consciously, but if it works, if someone chooses us because of this very narrow version that we've presented to them, then it's almost so exhausting and tiring to know that we have to keep that up in order to maintain their love, their approval, the connection. And so knowing that, like, we have to then continue to hide all these parts of ourselves that we've deemed unlovable is actually a very, very challenging way to be in a relationship. It's never going to lead to the the safety, the security, that deep enduring, relaxing love that you so deeply yearn for and crave.
[00:10:17]:
And so you can start to see that, like, even though it might be the only way you've ever been in relationships and you don't really have any concept of what another way would look like, Hopefully, you're starting to see that perfectionism as applied to relationships, and not even just romantic relationships. Right? You're probably if you are like this, there's a good chance that you do this in a lot of settings. Maybe you do it at work. You don't allow yourself to ever show any kind of vulnerability or imperfection, and you're deeply convinced that if you were to do that, people would turn on you very quickly, people would judge you, people would cast you out, or other bad consequences would flow from that. Similarly, in social settings, you might be convinced that people don't like you and that you've got to be, you know, completely perfect all the time in order for people to want to be around you. These are all really common branches off the tree, as I said earlier. So I think as with everything, awareness really helps, and starting to notice when that perfectionist part is at the wheel and what it might be trying to keep you safe from in that moment. So if you notice yourself being really rigid and comparing yourself to other people, being terrified of showing a part of you that you think is, you know, too messy or ugly or or whatever else, really turning towards yourself in that moment and just noticing allows you to create distance between the part of you that is using that perfectionistic strategy and whatever other part of you might be underneath that's harboring these deep fears and wounds, and then the you that is observing all of that.
[00:11:58]:
And in creating that space, we we start to create the possibility for another way, rather than it all just feeling really contracted and constricted and all consuming. And the more that we can turn towards that with genuine compassion and curiosity, because everything that I've been describing, that's coming from a very tender place, a part of you that deeply yearns to be accepted and wrapped in someone's unconditional love, and yet the way that we go about trying to get that for ourselves, we we want to be able to do it while sidestepping any risk or vulnerability. And, of course, as I've said, that actually blocks us from authentic, connected relationships with people who want to see the real us and who really choose all of us and accept all of us. So it's actually, as always, it begins with you. The the starting point is trying to cultivate more self compassion and self acceptance so that we aren't harboring these beliefs that certain parts of us are unacceptable and that we cannot possibly show them to another person because no one could ever love that. The more that we can wrap that in love and the more we can wrap that in compassion and acceptance, then those protective parts will start to soften because we go like, I'm I'm okay with all of me. That doesn't mean we give ourselves a free pass to behave however we want. It doesn't mean that everything we've ever done coming from those wounded places is like great behavior.
[00:13:30]:
But the more we can hold compassion, the more that we can recognize the humanness underneath it all, and we naturally become less reliant on protective strategies that tell us that we need to be living from fear and anxiety all the time because really terrible things are gonna happen, and people are gonna reject us, and we're not enough, and all of that. When we start to really anchor into our value, and we start to really honor and recognize and appreciate that, that's when things naturally start to shift. More space opens up within us, and we actually start to gravitate towards relationships with people that feel more authentic, that feel safer, and where we feel a sense of trust in showing ourselves to someone in being truly vulnerable. And that is incredibly healing. Having those experiences is really so, so important and so healing for those parts of you that are convinced that that could never happen. So if you're someone who struggles with perfectionism, I know I certainly do, a few years ago my therapist, we were talking about perfectionism and unrelenting standards and in lots of different areas of life, but particularly for me at the time, we were talking about it in the context of work, and my therapist gave me, like, a little homework assignment, and she told me to create an Instagram post with a typo in it, and my response was like, absolutely not. Not gonna happen. Thanks anyway.
[00:14:58]:
Why would I do that? And, of course, as with all of these things, it's it's less about actually doing it and more about recognizing your response to it, and obviously my response to that was very telling because the the immediate things that that part of me that struggles with perfectionism comes back with is like, why would I want to do that? What would people think? People will think I'm sloppy or unprofessional or stupid or careless or whatever other things. Right? And that obviously speaks to how I judge things like that. Again, like, we we tend to project these unrelenting standards onto others as well. So I've still never done that. I've still never deliberately made a typo on an Instagram post. But I think, as I've spoken to, the more we can anchor in our sense of self worth and value, the more that we can trust that we bring so much more than some false facade of perfectionism. People don't love us for only the shiny parts, and that people will love us for all of it if we can be brave and courageous enough to let them, and of course discerning enough around who we share our our vulnerability with and our authentic selves with because that's a piece as well. We want to be creating the safe containers so that all of our parts are handled with love and care.
[00:16:19]:
Okay. I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that that's been helpful for you if you're someone who does struggle with perfectionism in understanding and connecting the dots a little on maybe why that's something you struggle with, where it comes from, and what you can start to do to shift those patterns, which essentially, as with so many things, boils down to how can I turn towards myself with self compassion and self acceptance? How can I allow myself to be human in the same way that I hopefully allow others to be human? And the more that we can build that self worth, the more that we trust that our value goes beyond just being perfect. And that then paves the way for safe, authentic relationships where we can bring our whole selves and we can relax a little on those defensive strategies, those self protective patterns that are originating from a wounded part of us that doesn't believe that we can be loved unless we're perfect. So thank you so much for joining me. Always grateful for those of you who leave a rating or a review. I read every single one of them. For people who are watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe. That would be hugely helpful. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks so much, guys.
[00:17:31]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Perfectionism, relationships, attachment patterns, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, abandonment wound, self-worth, self-compassion, self-acceptance, vulnerability, shame, people pleasing, self-abandonment, authenticity, relational dynamics, Secure Self Challenge, attachment wounds, protective strategy, self-perception, secure relationships, self-protection, unworthiness, fear of rejection, Brene Brown, jealousy, comparison, attachment style, anxiety in relationships, love and approval, connection, thriving relationships.
#174: Anxiety vs. Intuition: How to Tell the Difference
Have you ever wondered how to tell the difference between intuition and anxiety? If so, this episode is for you. We're talking all about the difference between intuition and anxiety, and sharing some simple tools to know how best to relate to these states and when to listen to the information our body is giving us.
Have you ever wondered how to tell the difference between intuition and anxiety? If so, this episode is for you. We're talking all about the difference between intuition and anxiety, and sharing some simple tools to know how best to relate to these states and when to listen to the information our body is giving us.
We'll cover:
anxious attachment and hyperawareness of shifts in people's emotional states
trusting our perception but questioning the meaning-making
recognising urgency as a key imprint of anxiety
treating our anxiety with care and kindness without letting it run the show
Understanding Anxiety and Intuition: Navigating the Line Between Fear and Insight
In the intricate dance of human emotions and relationships, anxiety and intuition often occupy centre stage. They emerge as whispers from within, compelling us to pay attention to the signals our bodies send. But when they intertwine, it can be challenging to discern which voice is steering the ship. Anxiety might shout in urgent tones, warning us of impending danger, while intuition, more subtle, guides us gently with a feeling or a gut instinct. Recognising the difference between these experiences is a crucial skill, particularly for those with insecure attachment patterns, as it can profoundly affect how we interpret and respond to the world around us.
Anxiety vs. Intuition: The Challenge of Discernment
For many, the sensations of anxiety and intuition can feel strikingly similar. Our bodies communicate through a complex web of feelings, often without the clarity we crave. For those with anxious or disorganised attachment styles, this becomes even more complicated. There's a heightened sensitivity to shifts in the environment, such as changes in tone or mood, which can trigger anxiety spirals and conflict cycles. The challenge is in interpreting whether these sensations signal a legitimate concern or are merely reflections of internal anxieties. Knowing when to act on this information is essential for maintaining harmonious relationships and self-peace.
Trusting Feelings, Questioning Stories
When faced with a wave of intense emotion, it's important to trust the physical sensations you experience but be cautious about the narrative your mind creates. People with anxious attachments may have an acute ability to pick up on changes in their surroundings. However, while they might accurately sense a shift, the interpretation often leans towards catastrophic conclusions. This inclination to assume the worst, such as fearing a partner’s sudden distance means they are no longer loved, needs careful re-evaluation. It's about separating perception from interpretation, a process that involves pausing, regulating emotions, and embracing more balanced perspectives.
The Urgency Factor: A Hallmark of Anxiety
A sense of urgency is a telling sign that anxiety may be at play. When you feel an intense pressure to react immediately to a situation, it’s likely that your body is in a heightened state of arousal, driven by stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. This urgent need to act often signals anxiety’s grip on your nervous system. Instead of succumbing to this impulse, focus on grounding techniques to calm your body. Practising deep breathing, walking, or any calming activity can help temper the anxiety, allowing for a clearer, more rational assessment of the situation at hand.
Nurturing Your Anxiety Rather Than Ignoring It
Ignoring or dismissing anxiety is neither productive nor realistic. On the contrary, acknowledging and tending to it can transform how you relate to this part of yourself. Instead of trying to silence the anxiety, which only intensifies the struggle, listen to what it is trying to communicate, albeit without accepting its narrative as absolute truth. Much like comforting a child who fears monsters under the bed, offer comfort and understanding to your anxious self. This act of self-validation doesn't mean acting on the fears but rather soothing them and understanding their protective intent.
By adopting a compassionate approach towards anxiety, you differentiate between the anxious noise and genuine intuitive insights. The key is not to let anxiety dictate your actions or cloud your reality with imagined fears, but rather to hold space for it, recognise its presence, and decide your steps from a place of calm and reason.
Building Self-Trust Through Clarity and Compassion
Ultimately, discerning between anxiety and intuition involves building self-trust. By refining your understanding of these experiences, you cultivate the ability to respond rather than react—to situations and internal states alike. This newfound clarity empowers you to approach relationships and life with a balanced perspective, grounded in trust both in yourself and in the signals from within. Developing tools and strategies to manage anxiety effectively not only enhances your emotional intelligence but also strengthens your interpersonal relationships. With practice, the distinction between anxiety and intuition becomes clearer, paving the way for deeper self-awareness and healthier connections.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a recent situation where you felt anxious or had a gut feeling. How did you discern whether it was anxiety or intuition guiding you? What process did you engage in to interpret those feelings?
Do you find yourself often assigning catastrophic meanings to subtle changes in your partner’s behaviour? How can you work towards exploring other possible interpretations that are less threatening?
Consider a time when urgency in decision-making was predominant in your experience. How did you respond to that sensation of urgency, and can you identify whether it was driven by anxiety?
How do you currently respond to your anxious feelings or thoughts? What strategies have you found effective in soothing these parts of yourself without dismissing them entirely?
In what ways can you cultivate a relationship of curiosity and compassion towards your anxious parts, instead of perceiving them as a hindrance?
Share an instance where you successfully separated the experience of anxiety from the content of anxious thoughts. How did this separation impact the outcome of that situation?
How often do you rely on external validation to confirm your own experiences or feelings? What steps can you take to build self-validation and trust in your inner experiences?
Reflect on your self-regulation toolkit. What activities or practices help you to bring more safety back into your system when experiencing anxiety?
When your anxiety presents a plethora of worst-case scenarios, how do you ground yourself and explore alternate, less catastrophic explanations?
Consider the role of self-worth in your experiences of anxiety and relationships. How might focusing on building self-worth alter the ways you engage with anxiety and intuition?
UPCOMING EVENTS:
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about anxiety and intuition and how to tell the difference between these two experiences, which for a lot of people, a lot of the time can feel very similar or at least when we don't have clarity around what the different feeling tone is associated with intuition on the one hand and anxiety on the other. It's really easy for the lines to feel really blurred and for you to not really have clarity around if you're getting all this information from your body that feels alarming and that is telling you to do something, that's maybe warning you about something bad that might happen or giving you, you know, a hunch or a gut feel about a situation. Wading through all of that information that your body's feeding up to you and figuring out how much of this is quote unquote just my anxiety and how much of this is actual information that I need to to act on. And if you are someone with insecure attachment patterns, particularly anxious attachment and disorganized attachment, you probably experience a lot of hypervigilance, a lot of really pronounced acute sensitivity to environments, to other people's feeling states, any sort of subtle shift in the energy, the mood, the temperature, all of that is likely to have your ears pricking up and it's something that you really are very tapped into, and that you notice, and that can often be the trigger for an anxiety spiral.
[00:02:01]:
That can be what kicks off one of your cycles, and particularly in a relationship, it can be the starting point of one of those negative conflict cycles. If you perceive that something's wrong and then you start questioning your partner saying, What's wrong? I can tell something's wrong. Why won't you talk to me? All of that sort of thing, it can really snowball from there. And so it really does beg this question of, like, when do we need to act on the information that we're getting? How can we sharpen our discernment around knowing what needs our attention? How can we best use that sensitivity that so many of us with anxious attachment patterns and disorganized attachment patterns have? How can we use that, you know, to our advantage rather than letting it be a source of stress and anxiety and something that causes maybe unnecessary rupture in our relationship. So we're gonna be talking about all of that today, how you can best relate to these parts of you, and how you can best respond within yourself and then relationally when you notice these things come up. I actually sent out an email newsletter last week on this topic, and I have a little over 30,000 people who received my weekly newsletter. And I received so many replies from people saying that they found this really, really helpful, and it was something that they related to a lot. Something that they had wondered about, how to tell the difference between these things.
[00:03:24]:
And so I thought I'd best turn it into a podcast episode, so that everyone can get the benefit of it because I suspect that, many people listening will also relate to this quandary. Okay. Before we dive into that, a quick reminder that my twenty eight day secure self challenge is kicking off on Monday next week. So if you are someone who struggles with insecure attachment, with anxiety in your relationships, with self worth, the Secure Self Challenge is a really effective way to kick start things in the right direction. So we spend four weeks together. Each week has a different theme, and it's all around the pillars of self worth, which is something that I teach self compassion, self care or self regulation, self respect, and self trust. And so we spend a week on each of those themes, really laying the foundations of self worth, which to me is absolutely essential and frankly a prerequisite to having healthy relationships. Because as much as I'm not someone who thinks that you need to love yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship, I think it's really hard to build a healthy relationship when you lack self worth because it is a breeding ground for all of those other patterns that I've talked about so many times.
[00:04:38]:
The people pleasing and the approval seeking and the lack of boundaries and holding on to people from a place of fear and control, all of that stems from a lack of self worth and not really trusting in our own value and being able to stand firm in that. So if any of that sounds like you and you'd like to spend twenty eight days with me and a community of others, really focusing on building those pillars of self worth, I'd love for you to join the Secure Self Challenge, which kicks off next week. The link is in the show notes to sign up, or you can head straight to my website, stephanierigg.com. Second quick announcement is just a reminder about my upcoming retreat in Byron Bay. If anyone is interested in joining me and a small group of others in an absolutely idyllic location for a few days of really focused, deep, powerful work and lots of lovely relaxation in between. I would love to see you in Byron Bay. It's not just for people in Australia. We've got about half and half so far people who are joining from Australia and joining from overseas, so definitely check it out if that sounds appealing to you.
[00:05:40]:
It is in mid May. We still have some spots available. And if you have any questions around the retreat, feel free to reach out to me whether via email or on Instagram. I'm happy to chat through it with you. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around anxiety and intuition. So I think a really important starting point, and I've said this many times before in many different contexts, is that we want to whenever we experience something like this, like anxiety bubbling up, the default mode for most people is to treat that as a problem to be solved. It's like a fire that we need to extinguish because we relate to, most of us, our anxiety as a nuisance, as something that ruins everything, it gets in the way.
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It's a part of us that we wish wasn't there and we want to get rid of. And as much as that is understandable and maybe a natural response to something that we perceive as being in the way of us having healthy relationships or having self worth or whatever. It's actually a really counterproductive way to relate to our anxiety because the more we try and silence it or make ourselves wrong for it, the more we add stress, we add shame, we add this sense of brokenness to a part of us that's already carrying a lot of fear and stress. So it's sort of the equivalent of if there was a child that was really really distressed and worried and scared, and you were just telling them to shut up and be quiet, that wouldn't do anything to alleviate their fear and their stress. If anything that would make it worse, and most of us, I would hope, wouldn't think to do that, right? The way that we would relate to a child who is afraid would be to comfort them and reassure them and say I'm here to protect you, rather than just telling them to shut up because they're annoying. So that's really the kind of inner relationship we always want to be cultivating with not only our anxious parts, but any part of us that we perceive as being inconvenient or getting in the way. Rather than making ourselves wrong for it, we really want to turn towards it with curiosity and go, Okay, what are you trying to do for me? I trust that you have good intentions, and, you know, all of our patterns are an attempt at self protection in one way or another, so how are you trying to protect me or keep me safe? That's a really good guiding question to ask to any of our parts. Okay, so I'm going to offer three guiding principles for this question around anxiety versus intuition.
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And this is far from exhaustive. This is not gospel. This is how I relate to these concepts and what I think is useful in wading through, sifting through, distinguishing between, you know, how to relate to these things. And I do want to acknowledge that there's no, you know, really clear black and white lines here. It's not like if you told me what you're experiencing that I could say, Oh, that's intuition and that's anxiety, and here's what you should do. Right? I think these concepts are inherently a bit murky, and to suggest that something's gonna be wholly one way or the other is probably not accurate. You might have some intuitive gut feel about a situation with a lot of anxiety layered over the top. So to suggest that it's always going to be one or the other is probably inaccurate anyway.
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In addition to that, I think we've got to acknowledge that concepts like intuition and gut instinct and all of that, that there's probably a bit of fluidity there around the definition and what it means to different people. So what I identify and know to be an intuitive feel about something in my body, you might have a really different experience of what that feels like in your body. So obviously, there is a level of subjectivity baked into these concepts, and I just wanted to acknowledge that at the outset. This isn't like precise science, what we're talking about here. Nevertheless, I wanna offer these three guiding principles. And the first one is, when you notice this stuff coming up, trust the feeling that you're having, but question the story that you're telling. So for anxiously attached people, for fearful avoidant folks, as I said in the introduction, you've probably got a pretty sharpened ability to perceive shifts in the mood, in the temperature, in other people's emotional states. Like, you've got a pretty good read of the environment around you.
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Right? That's a skill that you have. It's not all in your head. And so what I'll often find is that anxiously attached people will correctly read that something is off. Right? So you will perceive, okay, my partner's tone just shifted. An hour ago they were being warm, and now suddenly there's a slightly different tone and they're being a bit more standoffish. So you're probably correctly tapped into the temperature shift that has happened there. So you can trust what you're perceiving, but where we can really come unstuck is the interpretation. And I think that's where anxiously attached people in particular, their interpretation is almost always going to be really unfavorable, catastrophic even.
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So you might sense that your partner is suddenly a bit, you know, standoffish or short towards you, and you make that mean they don't love you anymore, or they're really angry at you, or you've done something wrong, or they're having an affair, or they're hiding something. You know, it gets really sinister really quickly. And naturally, if your anxious brain is sort of tossing those pebbles into the pond, like, that's going to create some serious ripples in your system. That's going to really ramp up the threat response, and that's going to then drive what you do next. So recognizing that, like, yes, you're probably not imagining it, whatever you are perceiving, that is maybe the the first domino, but you've got to really watch the subsequent dominoes because that's where your anxiety is going to come in and sort of tell you stories, interpretations that are likely to be catastrophic. So part of your growth is really noticing that first piece, and rather than just following those doom and gloom stories, actually pausing and regulating and consciously reorienting to less catastrophic stories, and just noticing because your anxiety will keep doing that. You can just notice the stories. Like, still now for me, if my partner has gone to the shops to pick something up, and I ring him and I can't get onto him, my brain will immediately go like, Oh, he's been in a car accident.
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Right? But I notice that, and I can almost I can laugh it off. It's not something that then sends me spiraling into panic because I'm convinced that he's been in a car accident. I can just recognize, Oh, yeah. That's my anxious part doing its thing and and telling me, like, all of the bad things that might have happened that are the reason for me not being able to get through to him. Right? So you can just watch that, like clouds floating by and go, Yes. Okay. Thank you. That is one possibility.
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What are the 500 other possibilities that aren't the absolute worst thing? And the more that we can do that, the more that we can stay somewhat grounded and regulated rather than just quickly going up into a full blown anxious fight or flight kind of response that then the more we follow our body into that, the more the stories become catastrophic, and that really just continues to to be a vicious cycle. They reinforce each other. What's happening in our body reinforces the stories and vice versa. So really consciously separating out the thing that I'm observing and the meaning that I'm attributing to it and trying to to stay somewhat grounded and recognize that there are explanations that are not the worst possible thing, and maybe I could give, you know, the benefit of the doubt to this situation rather than assuming the very worst. Okay. So the next guiding principle that I wanna give you is if it feels really urgent, there's a good chance that it's anxiety. So urgency, this sense of I have to do something right now because otherwise something really bad is gonna happen. You can even hear in that.
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Like, that's anxiety one zero one. Right? That is a function of our sympathetic nervous system. That is a function of that mobilized adrenaline cortisol state that we get launched into when our nervous system, our brain has perceived a threat. And it just tells us, like, something bad's gonna happen. You need to do something now. So if you're noticing that kind of feeling tone to whatever it is that's going through your body, going through your head, there's a good chance that anxiety is driving the bus. Now that doesn't mean that again, like, it doesn't mean you just have to completely ignore that thing, but recognizing what is going on in your body and going, okay, this looks and sounds like anxiety. I'm gonna treat it as anxiety, which means that I need to focus on regulating my nervous system first.
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Right? It doesn't mean ignoring it. As I said, if you just try and ignore it, like pressing the mute button on your anxiety, it's gonna get a lot louder. It's going to protest against that because it feels ignored and it is still convinced that something bad's gonna happen, so it's gonna jump up and down really, really loudly to try and get your attention. So instead of doing that, try and regulate your nervous system. Do whatever you need to do to bring some more safety back into the system. So that might be going for a walk, doing some exercise, doing some deep breathing, any number of things, and, you know, building out your toolkit for how to deal with anxiety and how to move that anxiety through your system so that you can come back into some more regulation. That's a really big part of your work as well. It's a lot of what I teach in Healing Anxious Attachment.
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But just really recognising, oh, okay, this looks and feels like anxiety, so I'm going to deal with that anxiety first, and then I will revisit whatever the thing is that my anxiety was trying to get my attention around. So it's not just dismissing ourselves, it's not invalidating ourselves. It's just recognising, okay, this is infused with anxiety so I'm going to try and soften whatever stress is in my system. Gonna try and process that and then see what's left over. And if there's still something that needs my attention, great. I'll deal with it then. But first and foremost, I need to address, like, the pressing issue which is I'm feeling really anxious and my nervous system is dysregulated. Okay.
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The third guiding principle that I wanna give you, and I've sort of touched on it already, is don't just ignore your anxiety. Right? It's not about trying to make our anxiety go away. I think implicit in the question, is it intuition or is it anxiety, there's an assumption that, like, intuition is to be listened to and anxiety is to be ignored or dismissed. Right? I actually did an episode a couple of months ago on the importance of self validation for anxiously attached people. And I realize that's not a particularly enticing title, but it's actually a very, very important conversation because anxiously attached people in particular are really, really bad at validating themselves. It's so evident in the questions I receive. Things like, how do I know if it's just my anxiety or my partner's actually doing x y z thing? Basically, like, am I just too sensitive? Am I just too anxious? Am I just too needy? All of those questions are really invalidating. It's basically saying, my experience that I'm having, I don't trust that I'm allowed to be having it.
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And so I'm trying to sense check that against other people to get them to tell me whether what I'm experiencing is real and true, and I'm allowed to be experiencing it. Right? And that same sentiment is present in the question of is it intuition or is it anxiety? It's a sense of, oh, do I need to listen to this thing or do I need to ignore this thing? Is this thing leading me astray or is it leading me to something that is actually important and needs my attention? The truth is your anxiety needs your attention too. It needs your care. It needs your reassurance. But what we really wanna do is be able to separate out the experience of anxiety from the content of anxiety. So we want to listen to our anxious parts, but not take what they're telling us as fact and as something that we absolutely need to act on in terms of whatever the the catastrophic story might be, whatever the fear messaging is, again, we sort of want to park that to one side and turn towards the anxiety. Again, it's almost like a little kid. If they were saying, like, I'm convinced there's monsters in my closet.
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You're not gonna take that and go, Oh my god. There's monsters in the closet, and join them in the chaos. You'd comfort them and you'd say, Oh, that must be so scary. Tell me more about it. And you'd really be a calm soothing presence so that a child could co regulate with you and come back to some safety and not be so frightened anymore. That's exactly how we want to be relating to our anxious parts rather than, you know, either joining them in the chaos and just letting them drive the bus or completely dismissing them and telling them to shut up. Right? So don't ignore your anxiety. Actually turn towards your anxiety.
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Offer it comfort and reassurance, but don't take the content of your anxious thoughts, fears, stories as fact that you then need to act on right away because there's a good chance that there's some creativity in there. And our anxious brain, in its fierce efforts to keep us safe, will always offer up a platter of everything that could possibly go wrong and try and warn us about that. And while that's, you know, really protective in some ways, it also can lead us to be in a heightened stress state all the time. And so it's almost like we've got these goggles on, and we're perceiving everything and everyone and every interaction from this state of something really bad's gonna happen. And that's a really challenging way to be in relationships because it leads us to be on high alert all the time, and it actually robs us of the joy of presence and connection because there's no presence in anxiety. Anxiety is all about, you know, replaying scary things from the past and preempting scary things that could happen in the future. Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful in teasing out some of these concepts around anxiety and intuition and reframing those questions so that you have a little more clarity and guidance on what to do when you notice these things coming up.
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How do I relate to the stories that I'm telling myself? How do I relate to what I'm perceiving? You know, what needs my attention? Where do I focus? What do I need to act on and what do I need to maybe not act on? Hopefully you've got a little bit more clarity around all of that so that you can feel more grounded and ultimately more self trusting in your ability to handle these situations if and when they arise. I think that's such a big piece for for people with anxious attachment in particular is actually building that self trust and going, like, it's okay. I don't need to live in fear of my own anxiety or my own thoughts because I have the tools and the capacity to deal with them. Right? To know what to do, to actually hold myself in a centered, grounded place rather than feeling like I'm at the mercy of my fear that's going to grab the wheel and drive me off a cliff all the time. Okay? So really hope that that was helpful. If you enjoyed this episode, always so grateful for those who leave a rating or a review if you're listening. If you're watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe. That is a huge help for me.Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, anxiety, intuition, insecurity, healthy relationships, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, disorganized attachment, hypervigilance, sensitivity, anxiety spiral, conflict cycles, self worth, Secure Self Challenge, nervous system, self compassion, self care, self regulation, self respect, self trust, self validation, anxiety vs intuition, nervous system regulation, intuition vs anxiety, self reassurance, anxiety in relationships, relationship coach, anxiety response, self protection, stressful environments