#181: The Demonisation of Avoidant Attachment (& Why It Has to Stop)
In today’s episode, I’m diving into a topic that’s both close to my heart and foundational to how I approach this work: the widespread demonisation of avoidant attachment — and why we need to stop doing it.
In today’s episode, I’m diving into a topic that’s both close to my heart and foundational to how I approach this work: the widespread demonisation of avoidant attachment — and why we need to stop doing it.
It’s all too common, especially in online spaces, for people (often those with anxious attachment) to project blame, anger, and sweeping judgments onto those with avoidant attachment styles. But while that instinct may feel validating in the short term, it actually keeps us stuck.
This episode is a call for compassion and nuance — not just for others, but for ourselves.
Whether you’ve been hurt by someone with avoidant tendencies in the past or are currently struggling with anxious-avoidant dynamics, this conversation will invite you to take a broader, more honest look at the patterns playing out in your relationships and what healing really requires.
In this episode, I cover:
Why avoidant attachment is so often misunderstood and unfairly vilified
How our instinct to blame keeps us stuck in insecure patterns
The deeper origins of avoidant attachment — and how understanding this helps build compassion
Why anger, blame, and black-and-white thinking won’t help you heal
The role of boundaries, discernment, and self-responsibility in moving forward
If you're committed to growing into a more secure, grounded version of yourself, this episode is an invitation to pause and reflect on the narratives you’re holding — about others, and about yourself.
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The Demonisation of Avoidant Attachment: Why It Needs to End
In the world of relationships and attachment theories, misconceptions can often run rampant. One of the most persistent myths revolves around the characterisation of avoidant attachment styles as inherently negative or damaging. The truth, however, is far more nuanced. Turning away from the demonisation of avoidant attachment styles is essential for fostering healthier relationships and personal growth. By understanding the origins and motivations behind avoidant behaviours, we can cultivate compassion and live with greater self-awareness and understanding.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment
To understand avoidant attachment, it's helpful to first consider its roots. Typically, avoidant attachment originates in childhood environments where emotional needs were undervalued or ignored. Children with this attachment style often grew up in homes where expressions of emotion were discouraged, leading them to adapt by relying on self-sufficiency. These individuals learn at an early age to derive their sense of safety not from emotional closeness but from keeping a protective distance. This behavioural pattern is not a choice or a flaw, but rather a learned strategy for protection and survival.
Breaking Down Misconceptions
One of the most common misconceptions about avoidant attachment is that it equates to an aversion to relationships altogether. In reality, individuals with avoidant attachment can and do desire meaningful connections; they simply navigate intimacy differently. The assumption that they are inherently selfish or emotionally unavailable overlooks the protective instincts developed from their formative experiences. Labeling them as such only perpetuates a cycle of misunderstanding and alienation. By viewing avoidant individuals through the lens of their heartfelt history rather than their surface behaviours, we open doors to empathy and understanding.
The Role of Compassion and Curiosity
Compassion plays a pivotal role in reshaping our understanding of avoidant attachment. When we approach those with avoidant tendencies with curiosity and an open heart, we move closer to acceptance and healing. It's crucial to recognise that the behaviours we interpret as distancing are often survival mechanisms. These individuals are not "bad" or defective; they have simply developed a toolkit that prioritises keeping a safe distance to mitigate past pains. Embracing compassion doesn't mean accepting behaviours that hurt us, but it does involve recognising the shared human need for safety and security.
The Pitfall of Blame
For many who have experienced hurt in relationships with those who have an avoidant attachment style, there can be a temptation to assign blame. This blame-based mindset often fuels the demonisation of avoidant attachment, simplifying complex relational dynamics into a binary of victim and villain. However, focusing on blame rarely leads to growth or resolution. Instead, it traps individuals in a cycle of anger and resentment, preventing them from recognising their own areas for growth or the motivations behind their partner's behaviours. Reframing these narratives with a less judgmental, more balanced perspective can aid healing and personal development.
A Balanced Approach to Relationships
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect and understanding. This involves recognising and respecting the diverse attachment styles present in any partnership. Discernment is key in navigating these dynamics: understanding your own boundaries and values while allowing space for your partner to express their needs. It is perfectly valid to realise that a particular dynamic, whether with an avoidant individual or any other, may not serve your best interests. However, moving away from judgement and towards a more inquisitive exploration of each other's perspectives ensures that decisions are grounded in understanding rather than animosity.
Moving Forward With Empathy
Ultimately, fostering empathy and a balanced viewpoint towards avoidant attachment isn't about excusing harmful behaviours. It's about creating a culture of acceptance and understanding that allows everyone the space to grow and heal at their pace. This requires both compassion for others and self-responsibility, recognising when certain dynamics do not align with our personal needs. For those working towards secure attachment, detaching from negative stereotypes and engaging with genuine curiosity can transform relationship experiences. By relinquishing blame, we embark on a path that prioritises connection and authentic growth for all involved.
In conclusion, the demonisation of avoidant attachment serves neither personal growth nor healthy relationships. As we shift our perspectives to embrace a more compassionate and nuanced view, we open the door to positive change and greater self-awareness. Understanding avoidant attachment as a natural response to past experiences allows us to see it not as a barrier to connection but as another dimension of the rich tapestry of human relationships. Through these efforts, we can create a more inclusive and understanding environment that celebrates the complexities of each individual's attachment journey.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on any experiences where you may have demonised someone based on their attachment style. What emotions were present, and how did these influence your perspective on the situation?
Consider how you balance compassion and boundaries in your relationships. Are there instances where you extend too much compassion at the expense of your own needs, or vice versa?
How do you react when reading or hearing sweeping generalisations about attachment styles? What inner narratives or biases do you notice?
Reflect on the statement that all attachment strategies are designed to create safety. How do you see this manifest in yourself or those you've been in relationships with?
Think about a time when you felt compelled to label someone in a negative way due to their attachment behaviour. How might shifting towards a more compassionate view change your feelings or responses?
Explore your own healing journey regarding attachment. Can you identify stages similar to those discussed by Stephanie, and what mindset shifts have been significant for you?
Reflect on the idea that anger and blame directed at others can impede personal growth. How have you noticed this in your life, and what steps could you take to shift your focus?
How do you define a healthy relationship based on your non-negotiables, values, and needs? Have there been occasions when focusing on labels or attachment styles distracted you from these fundamentals?
Consider your initial reactions to people with avoidant attachment. Are these perceptions challenged by understanding their origin stories?
Reflect on the importance of self-awareness and growth in relationships. How can you be more open to understanding the personal journeys of those around you, regardless of their attachment style?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I wanna talk about quite a sensitive topic, but one that is really close to my heart and is a guiding principle underpinning a lot of how I approach this work, which is the demonization of avoidant attachment. Now if you've been around here for a while and you're familiar with my philosophy and my approach when it comes to attachment, you'd know that I am big on extending compassion and curiosity to everyone, irrespective of their attachment style. And I'm very deliberate about how I talk about avoidant attachment and anxious attachment, in terms of not villainizing anyone and really encouraging a view of people's behavior and struggles as protective. You know, understanding that all of our attachment strategies are ultimately designed in one way or another to facilitate us creating safety for ourselves, creating a sense of belonging.
[00:01:29]:
As easy as it is when you're on the receiving end of someone's behaviour that you don't like, that triggers something in you to villainize them and to project ill intent onto them, that's so rarely, I would say almost never the case that people set out with the intention to cause harm. And of course, that compassion must be accompanied by discernment and boundaries and self advocacy. Knowing our own limits and being very clear around our standards for what we will and won't tolerate, and knowing what behaviors, what qualities, what traits allow us to thrive in a relationship. So it's not about over indexing on compassion in the sense of condoning any and all behavior because we can understand where it arises from. But equally, I think the unfortunate trend in a lot of online spaces is for anxiously attached people who have been hurt by previous relationships with avoidant partners to take those experiences and to take that unhealed hurt and to make these sweeping generalizations around all avoidant people are selfish, toxic, narcissistic, a waste of space. Those are just a small handful of the types of comments that I have seen flying around. This episode is actually prompted by some events this week on my own Instagram account. I shared a post which I honestly thought was totally uncontroversial.
[00:03:00]:
I was very surprised to see it going viral and for the comments section to be blowing up. But it was a post about what avoidant people look for in a partner. And the list was along the lines of independence, so someone who has other things going on in their life, who has hobbies and friendships and a well developed sense of self, someone who is emotionally regulated and stable, so not someone who is highly reactive and emotionally volatile, someone with healthy boundaries, someone who is able to bring fun and lightness to the relationship so that it doesn't feel really emotionally dense and heavy all the time. And I, as I said, I didn't think that this list was controversial in the slightest, but it became very quickly apparent from people's response to this post That it was activating something, it was triggering something in a lot of people, a lot of anxiously attached people. And a lot of people seemed to be receiving that and responding to it as if it were saying you, anxious person, need to embody all of these traits in order to adapt to the preferences of someone with avoidant attachment and or it's your fault that the relationship between you and whoever your avoidant ex is didn't work out because you weren't enough of these things. That's kind of the most generous interpretation I can come up with for the very fiery responses that were in the comments section. But it has had me reflecting these past couple of days and feeling like there's a broader conversation to be had around the demonization of avoidant attachment. Not only because I do feel really strongly about promoting a more compassionate view of all attachment patterns as an adaptation, and really recognizing that until we extend that compassion towards others, we will not have that compassionate view of ourselves.
[00:04:53]:
But also, sort of more practically speaking, for anxiously attached people who are the overwhelming majority of my audience and clients and students, I can tell you from having worked with thousands and thousands of people on healing anxious attachment, that for so long as you are harboring that level of anger and bitterness and these sweeping views of avoidant people as being the problem in your relationships, that is actually going to keep you from your own growth because that blame based, shame based mindset around attachment, around relationships, one that tries to isolate who the villain and the victim are and wants to lay blame on someone else and say, They're the problem and they're a waste of space and they need to just go to therapy and be on their own and all they ever do is cause pain. All these really highly inflammatory, sweeping generalisations, I promise you that that is not going to be the place from which you will grow into a more secure attachment. Shaming other people is not how you get to a secure attachment. Stewing in anger is not how you get to a secure attachment. There's a lack of both self compassion, compassion for other, and self responsibility and honesty in the way that we're looking at our own relationship patterns. And until we look at those things with honesty, that's going to impede our ability to meaningfully shift and grow. So I wanted to share some thoughts about that. It's probably going to be slightly different in tone to my regular episodes in that it's not so much a me teaching as it is me reflecting and discussing and sharing some thoughts on the demonization of avoidant attachment.
[00:06:44]:
But it does feel like an important conversation. And I will say from this recent experience on Instagram, the silver lining, you know, it's always disheartening to feel like you're doing work to try and break down some of these unhelpful generalisations or stereotypes. And so it's a little disheartening to see so much of that still alive and well in the comments section on a viral post. But what it did remind me of is how fortunate I am and how grateful I am that for the most part, my community, my listeners here, people on Instagram that are familiar with my work, that that's not the tone. And I could really tell in the comments section of this post the people who'd been in my universe for a little while, the people who'd done my programs, stuff like that, it was really apparent because of the self awareness and the nuance and the thoughtfulness. So that was at least really affirming for me. I was really grateful to be reminded of the fact that that's not the norm. As is always the case when something goes viral, it gets pushed to a lot of people who might not usually engage with your content or might not know your work.
[00:07:57]:
So the silver lining of having to be on the receiving end of a lot of people's projections and judgments and misunderstandings of my own intention in creating that content was being grateful that that isn't the norm and that my community in large part is really curious and compassionate and thoughtful and nuanced in the way that they engage with my work and and this body of work more broadly. So a quick word of thanks to all of you who are regular listeners and who do put in the effort to take on that compassionate and nuanced view because in many ways, the sugar hit junk food version where we just shoot from the hip and and let our wounded partner run wild. In many ways, that's easier. So I I suppose I wanna talk about why I think this happens. Why do we demonize avoidant attachment? And I think the simple answer is that generally people with insecure attachment patterns struggle with very black and white thinking. They tend to be quite oppositional, dualistic, this sense of right or wrong, blame. I've spoken about this many times before on the podcast, there's this sense of I need to find who the bad guy is, and I'm hoping that it isn't me, and particularly for anxiously attached people whose pattern in relationship is to strive and to work really hard all the time and to over function and over everything, and desperately try and keep the relationship intact and care taken, all of those things. The idea that you could be the problem or the villain or the bad guy feels so impossible given how hard you've tried, and how earnestly you've tried, and you have.
[00:09:41]:
And so when you're in this mindset of one of us has to be the problem, and I've been trying so hard so surely it can't be me, it's much more palatable that it would be them. And I've done an episode in the past which was one of my top episodes ever called the three stages of healing anxious attachment, and it's really about these mindset shifts that people undergo. And A lot of people start in a mindset of assuming they are the problem, and that low self worth plays low self esteem, I have to change myself, there's something wrong with me, I need to be more or less or different or better in order to get someone to love me. And then a lot of people go from that starting point of really low self esteem, maybe they go through a break up, or they just come across this work and they feel really validated by it, and they swing to another extreme which is that of wait, I'm not the problem, you're the problem. The avoidant person's the problem. My ex is the problem. They're emotionally unavailable and toxic and narcissistic and whatever other labels I can reach for that make me feel really validated in my pain and my hurt. And if I can put those labels on you and feel like my hurt is justified, and that anyone would have been hurt in my position, then I start to feel a little less powerless.
[00:10:59]:
But the trouble is that that pendulum swing to the other extreme of wait, no, you're the problem, it misses the full picture. It might feel temporarily good, but it can keep us really stuck, and it generally does keep us really stuck. I wasn't brave enough to respond to the comments on this Instagram post saying as much, but I could tell the people who had done their work and the people who were stuck in their anxious attachment and in more extreme expressions of that, Because the people who are holding onto a lot of that very blunt, lacking in nuance, vitriolic judgements towards avoidant people at large, those are not people who are very close to becoming secure. In my experience and in my observation. Again, having a decent sample size of having worked with thousands of people on this. Which brings me to what is a healing mindset and what does bode really well for you if you are doing this work and you are wanting to become more secure is what I called in that episode a stage three mindset, and it's this idea that neither of us individually were the problem or were to blame. The unique combination of our wounds and our self protective strategies and our limitations and our maybe conflicting needs, all of that went into a melting pot and the the sum total of it was a level of dysfunction or stuckness that we lacked the tools to to overcome. And that's not juicy.
[00:12:36]:
Right? There's there's no, like, big flashy headlines in that, but it's honest. And it takes in the full picture and the full reality of of what happened. And it's only in looking at that honestly that we can take some of the heat out for starters, but we can also then start to figure out, okay, what was my contribution to whatever unhealthy patterns existed there? What did I get out of it? Because as much as we might not want to admit it, there's at least a part of us that that got something out of all of that, and what need was I trying to meet and how could I do things differently next time? When we're just in that kind of blame based mindset of anger and projection, there's actually nothing very fertile there in terms of our own growth. There's no space for self reflection, there's no space for nuance or honesty. And as such there's there's nothing for us to really learn from there because we're not actually engaging with reality. So recognizing that being in that kind of mindset, that oppositional, dualistic, right or wrong, good or bad, who's to blame, who's the bad one, who's the problem, That mindset is going to keep you stuck and I really, really encourage you if you notice yourself going there. And it's nothing to be ashamed of because I think we're all trained into that mindset societally, but it's not going to support you if you are wanting to go from insecure attachment to a more secure way of being in relationships. That mindset is not something that you wanna take with you on the journey, let's put it that way.
[00:14:16]:
I want to talk now a little about avoidant attachment more specifically, and just, I suppose, almost a reminder to people who, again, maybe you notice yourself judging avoidant attachment as bad or wrong or less than the worst attachment style, the hardest attachment style to be in relationship with. I think a lot of anxious people can get a bit judgy around it and a bit righteous, and that's something I hear a lot is, well at least I'm trying, or at least we wanna be in relationships, you just blah blah blah blah blah. And I I think it's easy to get a bit high and mighty, right, and to assume that, like, you're way is better. And, well, at least I'm selfless, at least I'm caring. And I think it's important for us all to recognize that our attachment patterns, no matter how they manifest, are about our own needs first and foremost, getting our own relational needs met. And it just so happens that the anxious person derives safety from the other person, whereas the avoidant person derives safety from keeping a bit of a safe distance, keeping a buffer. And so that's not to say that avoidant people don't want relationships or don't need connection and love. They do.
[00:15:29]:
But they have a history of feeling really unsafe when up close against that, when confronted with that level of intimacy and vulnerability, such that their instinct is to pull back. And I think that reminding ourselves particularly of the typical origin story of avoidant attachment can be a bit of a pathway to connection. So for anyone who isn't familiar, most avoidant attachment originates in an early family environment where children, babies were denied their emotional needs. They might have had parents who were often avoidant themselves, and who were so emotionally stunted or underdeveloped or unavailable that the child's bids for connection, their attempts at getting those attachment needs met, their proximity seeking behaviors were shunned, ignored, dismissed, even shamed or ridiculed. So that very typical kind of old school parenting of telling kids to stop crying, this sense that children are meant to be emotionally strong and independent and self sufficient. And so a child in this environment, it's almost like the heartbreak and the grief and the sorrow of having your attempts at emotional connection denied, or ignored, or dismissed. A child in that environment adapts by learning very quickly that that's not the way to be close with my caregivers. That's not going to get me the safety, the approval, having my needs met, and as an infant, as a child, that is a survival need very directly and literally.
[00:17:10]:
So children who develop an avoidant attachment and are in those sorts of family systems learn that that's that's not how they're going to thrive in that system, by being highly emotionally in tune with themselves and others, that that's not the language of that family. So they channel their energy and their efforts into other ways of getting that connection and approval, which often amongst avoidant people is through either activities and things that are less intimate and vulnerable, or achievement. So being good, being successful, being competent, being capable. Those are a lot of the common traits of avoidant people, is that they focus on that and they often are really good at all of that as a result. They are successful, they are competent, they are capable. And as a side note, that's why it's so hard in relationships for people with avoidant attachment to feel like their partner is always disappointed in them. Because for them, a form of love and essential to the love relationship is I want to feel successful to you. If I feel like I'm always failing you, I'm always letting you down, I'm always disappointing you.
[00:18:23]:
That's very very demoralizing for them, and very triggering of that kind of deep wound around feeling inadequate, feeling not enough. So just bearing in mind, and I think when we go back to the origin story, and you can, if you have an avoidant partner or avoidant ex partner, thinking of them as a child who longed for connection but had those needs denied, Maybe that's a doorway to more compassion than you might otherwise have. You know, we all come by our attachment styles honestly. It's not like someone is a selfish, uncaring child and that's how they come to be emotionally undeveloped as an adult. Right? These are just the cards that we were dealt. And of course, I know people are going to be listening and going, Yeah, well that's your responsibility to deal with it. And yeah, of course it is. And people are going to get there at different times and on different timelines, and I think we also have to recognize that for people with avoidant attachment, part of their operating system is to not look at that stuff.
[00:19:28]:
To not be particularly inquisitive about their emotional landscape for some people. For some who are more fearful, avoidant, or disorganized, that might not be true. But for some, that is part of the blueprint is we don't go there or that doesn't feel safe. So having compassion for the fact that people are going to come to this differently, or they may not at all, and that doesn't make them a terrible person, that doesn't make them deficient or inadequate or bad. Recognising that there's good reason for why people do the things that they do, and coming back to this fundamental balance that we all need to be aiming for between compassion and a starting assumption of goodness and humanness and trying to feel into someone's humanity, while also knowing ourselves and being self responsible to maybe decide that another person's limitations are such that it's not a good idea for us to be in a relationship. That their limits in terms of intimacy, vulnerability, commitment, communication, all of those things might mean that they're not a good match for me. And that's fine, but they don't have to be a bad person. I don't have to say, like, they're a waste of space.
[00:20:48]:
I don't have to reach for things that are villainizing and nasty, so as to justify my decision to keep a distance from someone who maybe the nature of their self protective patterns is such that they cause me harm and that it's not a good fit for me. That's okay, and we can reach that conclusion. And oftentimes we will need to do that in the name of taking good care of ourselves and being self responsible for our own well-being. But you don't have to go to that next step of making someone bad or making them wrong in order to feel like you are justified or you are right to not want to be with them. And whenever I see that, which unfortunately is often, and certainly this latest event in the comments section of this post that's gone viral, that is just like a whole lot of unprocessed hurt coming out in the form of projection and blame and judgement. And I think my message for those people is I understand. I understand the hurt. I understand the pain.
[00:21:57]:
I've been there. I've been on the receiving end of behaviors that were baffling to me, that I really couldn't make sense of. That it was very easy for me to judge as just like, what is wrong with you? Who would do that? And yet, that's not helpful, and the more that I went down that path of trying to make someone bad, and trying to convince them of their badness so that they would change, all that did was drag me into it. And it certainly was not conducive to my growth. It was only when I stopped doing that that I actually was able to start healing, and start paying attention to what it was in me that got me into those dynamics and kept me there for as long as I was there. So your healing is not going to be found in the comments section of an Instagram post, labeling avoidance as whatever you want to label them as. I promise you that. So I think I'll I'll stop there.
[00:22:53]:
As much as I could keep going on my soapbox about this for a long time, because as you might have sensed, it's something that I feel really strongly about. Again, as I said in the introduction, not only because I think it's the right thing to do to try and get this message out, but also because just it it won't work for all of those people who are anxious and want to shift their patterns and have somehow convinced themselves that the way to do that is to make all avoidant people the devil. It actually is is keeping you stuck, so for all of those reasons, it's really important that we start looking at this differently, and that we learn to hold multiple truths that might seem conflicting. Someone might have hurt me, and that doesn't make them a bad person, and it certainly doesn't make all avoidant people bad. As a side note, I know I said I was going to wrap up and I will, but when people ask me in my programs, students of mine say, how do I pick out an avoidant person in early dating so I can avoid them and save myself the pain? My answer is always I wouldn't focus on someone's attachment style, I would focus on getting very clear around what are your specific requirements or values or non negotiables for a relationship, and how does this person stack up against those? So those might be communication or consistency, reliability, emotional safety. And be really clear around what you will and won't tolerate and and what you need, and just see how someone measures against that. So don't be focusing on avoidant attachment as an umbrella because that's a really, really big bucket of people, and there's so much individual variation in terms of someone's capacity, how much work they've done, their self awareness, their willingness, and all of those factors and variables will influence whether or not someone might be a good fit for you. So look beyond the label of avoidant attachment and be a little more curious, be a little more open, rather than just trying to filter based on a very crude metric.
[00:24:55]:
So anyway, I will wrap up. I will leave it there. I hope that for those of you who are already onto all of this, I know that's a good chunk of you, and I'm so appreciative. As I said at the start, it is very affirming for me that most of the people in my regular community of listeners and followers and students and stuff, that everyone gets it. And that's really nice, and I'm very grateful for that. But for anyone who's maybe coming around to the idea or maybe not sure or maybe has that instinct towards blame and attack and villainization and all of that stuff, I hope that this has given you something to reflect on and think about and maybe enticing you towards a different approach that you could just try on for size because, you know, the version of things where you swirl around in bitterness and resentment and blame is is not gonna get you any closer to where you ultimately wanna be. I feel pretty confident in saying that. So I hope that it's been helpful. I'm grateful for all of you.
[00:25:58]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, compassion, demonization, vulnerability, attachment styles, partner, boundaries, healing, self-awareness, emotional regulation, independence, relationship coach, personalised advice, Instagram, growth, blame, mindset, self-responsibility, emotionally unavailable, safety, connection, judgment, nuance, healing journey, communication
#180: 5 Hard Truths About Healing Anxious Attachment
Healing anxious attachment is a life-changing journey — but it’s not always easy. While moving toward secure attachment can bring more ease, confidence, and healthier relationships, it also requires confronting some uncomfortable truths along the way. In this episode, we’re unpacking five hard truths about healing that will help you set realistic expectations and stay committed to your growth.
Healing anxious attachment is a life-changing journey — but it’s not always easy. While moving toward secure attachment can bring more ease, confidence, and healthier relationships, it also requires confronting some uncomfortable truths along the way. In this episode, we’re unpacking five hard truths about healing that will help you set realistic expectations and stay committed to your growth.
What We Cover in This Episode:
Why healing isn’t always comfortable — and why grief is often part of the process
The myth of waking up one day as "fully secure" and what real progress looks like
How healing might disrupt your relationships (and why not everyone will like the changes you make)
Why you won’t stop getting triggered — but how you can gain more control over your reactions
The surprising truth: sometimes you’ll miss your old patterns, even the unhealthy ones
Healing doesn’t mean never struggling again. It means showing up differently, practicing new choices, and being compassionate with yourself along the way. If you're in the thick of it, know that you're not alone, and every step forward matters.
Healing Anxious Attachment: Embracing the Journey
In the realm of relationships, anxious attachment can feel like carrying a heavy weight. It colours interactions with an urgency to secure love and approval, often leading to cycles of fear and reactivity that can strain even the strongest of bonds. Understanding and healing anxious attachment is not only an act of self-care but also a pathway to cultivating healthier, more satisfying connections with others. However, the journey of healing is often fraught with challenges that can catch individuals by surprise. Here, we explore five hard truths about healing anxious attachment and provide insights into navigating these realities with grace and resilience.
1. Embracing Discomfort as a Sign of Progress
Healing is rarely a seamless or comfortable endeavour. For those embarking on a journey to address anxious attachment, there will be moments of discomfort that mirror grief. Bringing awareness to past wounds—those patterns of self-abandonment, the ingrained fears of unworthiness, and visceral feelings of potential rejection—can be painful. It's essential to confront these emotions, however unsettling they may be, to truly liberate oneself from the weight of past burdens. By acknowledging and processing these feelings, individuals build resilience, paving the way for emotional freedom and authenticity. Embracing discomfort as a natural part of healing allows for genuine growth and transformation.
2. The Elusiveness of a 'Secure' Destination
One of the biggest misconceptions in healing is the belief that reaching a state of 'secure attachment' is akin to crossing a finish line. The truth is, there is no single moment of arrival. Healing anxious attachment is a gradual, ongoing practice. It involves repeatedly choosing new ways of responding to triggers, over and over again, until they become the default. This transition happens slowly; it's about cultivating tools and using them consistently rather than expecting an overnight change in behaviour or feelings. Over time, the newer, healthier patterns become more comfortable—a testament to progress rather than a sudden transformation.
3. Navigating External Resistance to Personal Growth
As individuals reshape their ways of being, they may encounter resistance from others who are accustomed to the old dynamics. Healing anxious attachment involves setting boundaries, expressing needs, and sometimes redefining relationships. Not everyone will welcome these changes. Friends or family who were content with the status quo might push back, as these shifts challenge the system's balance. It's vital to remain steadfast in the journey towards authenticity and well-being, even if it means facing discontent from others. True growth is rooted in self-validation rather than external approval, and finding courage to uphold one's emotional health is crucial.
4. Expecting and Managing Triggers Along the Way
The notion that healing eliminates all triggers is a myth. Triggers remain a part of life, and being activated by certain stimuli is inevitable. The real growth lies in the ability to respond differently. Through healing, individuals gain better control over their reactions, opting for more thoughtful and intentional behaviours rather than reactive impulses. This development is akin to expanding one's emotional toolkit, allowing for healthier coping strategies when facing challenges. While triggers may never entirely disappear, their hold weakens as one's capacity to self-regulate and choose constructive responses strengthens.
5. Acknowledging a Sense of Nostalgia for Old Patterns
Strangely, during the healing process, there may be moments where old patterns seem enticing. The comfort of familiarity can draw individuals back to well-worn routes of protection and defence, even if those paths were hurtful. It's essential to recognise this as a normal part of change. Sometimes, the immediate gratification of falling back into old habits tempts, akin to craving junk food despite knowing its ill effects. Acknowledging this desire without judgment is key to moving forward. Continuing to choose growth over regression enhances personal integrity and supports long-term well-being.
The Journey is the Destination
Healing anxious attachment is a courageous voyage that demands patience, commitment, and self-compassion. These hard truths serve as guideposts, reminding us that while the journey may be challenging, it's ultimately worthwhile. Each step, each uncomfortable realisation, and each choice to act from a place of security and calm rather than fear and reactivity signifies progress. Embracing this path, with all its messiness and moments of clarity, leads not only to self-discovery but to the profound ability to connect more meaningfully with others. Healing is not just an end goal; it is an ongoing practice of choosing love and authenticity daily.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your expectations around the healing journey. Do you find yourself expecting it to be seamless and comfortable? How does this align with your experiences so far?
Have you noticed a gap between your expectations and the reality of your healing process? How do you manage these discrepancies and maintain motivation?
Consider the concept that healing is a practice rather than a destination. How does this idea impact your approach to personal growth and change?
Think about a time when you received pushback from others as a result of your personal growth. How did you handle the situation, and what did it teach you about your relationships?
Reflect on your experiences of being triggered in relationships. How have you navigated these moments, and what strategies do you use to respond more mindfully?
How do you balance the longing for comfort in old patterns with the desire to embrace healthier ways of being? What role does self-compassion play in this process?
Have you ever felt a sense of grief during your healing journey as you confronted past wounds? How did you support yourself through these emotions?
Consider the idea that not everyone will appreciate the changes you're making in your life. How do you prioritize your path to authenticity while managing the fear of losing approval or connection?
Does the concept of missing old patterns resonate with you? How do you navigate moments when you find yourself yearning for the familiarity of those habits?
Reflect on the importance of self-reflection and course correction in your healing journey. How do you cultivate a mindset that allows for growth without self-criticism?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about healing, and specifically five hard truths about healing anxious attachments that you will likely encounter if you are on a healing journey. Really, these truths that I'm going to share extend beyond just anxious attachment. I think if any of us are on a healing journey, as I suspect most of the people listening to this podcast are or have been, We will often be met with instances in which there's a bit of a gap between expectation and reality, let's put it that way, in terms of what we were hoping for, what we expected about what our growth and healing might entail, and the reality of it, which is often a bit messier and sometimes more challenging than we might have anticipated. So in today's episode, I want to dispel some myths when it comes to the healing process, and really frame your expectations around what that is likely to look like, what you can expect as you walk the path of healing, particularly in the context of anxious attachment, but as I said, this will apply more broadly as well. And the reason that I want to talk about that is really because I think so many people who I work with have maybe unrealistic expectations as to what it really means to do this work and what it involves, and so there can be this sense of you know, 'something's wrong if I'm still getting triggered', or 'something's wrong if I still experience anxiety from time to time', 'still having conflict in my relationship', or 'I've still found myself being attracted to a certain type of person', and I think there can be this almost fantasy that once we've done certain healing work, listened to podcasts, done a course, read a book, or two or three or four, that we should sort of magically dissolve all of those old patterns.
[00:02:20]:
And as we'll talk about today, of course, the truth is a little bit more nuanced than that. There is a bit more to it, and it's not that we are magically becoming someone totally different overnight, and having all of our blueprints and patterns and protective strategies dissolving into nothingness. It is really an ongoing practice and something that we are choosing and growing into every day, and that doesn't allow us to opt out of life with all of its messiness and challenge. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. If you're someone with anxious attachment and you are just starting out on your healing journey, I have a free starter kit that contains a video where I talk about my own journey with healing anxious attachment and the hard truths that I had to confront, a workbook and also a guided meditation. So it's a really great little starter kit that gives you a sense of the road ahead and starts you on that journey with some tools. And as I said, that's totally free, so you can download that via my website or the link in the show notes.
[00:03:28]:
And if you are maybe a little further along in your journey or you're wanting to kick things up a notch, a reminder that my signature program Healing Anxious Attachment is available and is on sale at the moment, so you might have heard me in the past couple of weeks promoting a birthday sale. The VIP contingent of that has come and gone, but I am offering the course at a discounted rate for its birthday for the next week or so. So you can still save over $100 on the regular price, and you don't need any code or anything for that. That's all just on my website, again linked in the show notes. So if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, definitely check that out. Thousands of people have gone through the program and it always gets really rave reviews. So a great resource for anyone who's really looking to commit to themselves and their healing journey. Okay, so let's talk about five hard truths that you will face in healing your anxious attachment.
[00:04:23]:
The first one is that healing is not always comfortable. In fact, it will often be uncomfortable, and it will sometimes even feel like grief. In fact, often it will bring up grief as we go through that journey because the more we bring conscious awareness to all of the ways in which we have become disconnected from ourself, lost ourself, abandoned ourself, As we connect the dots between old pain and wounds and young parts of us that have been maybe in the driver's seat for much of our lives, when we start to dig in underneath some of those protective strategies and it reveals to us some really primal fears around unworthiness, around belonging, around being good enough, around this visceral fear that someone's going to leave us, or that we can't count on people or trust people. As much as healing can liberate us from the shackles of all of that heaviness so that we don't have to be subconsciously driven by those fears anymore, the process of that unburdening can be really painful, and it can bring up a lot of grief. It's that classic saying that people throw around which is the only way out is through', and there's some truth to that, that we can't keep all of that stuff locked in a box within us and also hope to become free of it. So the healing process involves turning towards things that we have spent most of our life turning away from, or trying to avoid coming into contact with. So expecting that process of healing to be seamless and comfortable and to always look and feel good is really unrealistic. So it is a hard truth that many of us will have to confront as we do this work, that it will bring up emotions that we've probably spent most of our lives trying to avoid, or bypass or we've made ourselves wrong for.
[00:06:27]:
Okay. The second hard truth when it comes to healing your anxious attachment is you are not going to wake up one day and magically have arrived at the destination that is secure attachment. It doesn't really work that way. It is better thought of as a practice and something that you choose over and over again. I think that, again, I've had people ask me in the past when they're contemplating signing up for my course or working with me in some capacity, and asking, at the end of this eight weeks, am I correct in understanding that I will be securely attached and I won't experience anxiety anymore?' Being as I am committed to honesty and transparency, I am always very frank with people in saying that that's not something I would ever promise. My work is about giving you the tools, and then it's a matter of putting that into practice and showing up for yourself in little moments and big moments. The cumulative impact of that over time is that the old way, which is the way that's led by fear and anxiety and stress and overwhelm and helplessness and all of those things, the old way transitions into a new way. What you might notice, the crux of this hard truth was that you won't magically wake up one day being secure.
[00:07:48]:
What you might notice is you look at your life one day and the new way is actually more of a default than the old way. So for me, it's not that I never experience or feel any residue of my anxious attachment, I certainly do, but when it comes to things like communication in my relationship or conflict, the idea of reacting in ways that I once would have is now very foreign to me. And that's because of a lot of different things, it's because of the emotional safety that I've built in my relationship, it's because of the greater nervous system capacity that I've cultivated within myself, it's because I have different tools to reach for, it's because frankly I have more integrity and internal boundary around the way that I will and won't behave in a relationship, and I have enough capacity in those moments to exercise choice. But it really is a matter of the old way definitely would feel less comfortable than the new way. But that is because I have practiced, and I have built up evidence in my system over time that the new way actually gives me what I need much more of the time than the old way which might have looked like sulking or protesting or escalating or doing any of those other things that were protective and designed to shield me from vulnerability, but ultimately ineffective in getting me what I wanted and needed in those moments. But it really is something that is gradual over time, and it's also worth mentioning that attachment more broadly exists on a spectrum. A spectrum, it's not like we're in one bucket and then we hop into another bucket once we've ticked off a checklist or something like that. There is a level of fluidity and responsiveness to context, and you might notice that when you are under more stress or pressure, your anxious attachment patterns or any other insecure patterns are closer to the surface.
[00:09:50]:
All of that makes a lot of sense, but the crux of this one is you're not just gonna magically wake up one day and be secure, It is really something that you have to continue choosing and practicing over time, and then one day you will find that it is more comfortable and closer to hand than all of the old patterns that were no longer serving you. Okay. The next hard truth about healing is that not everyone's gonna like the version of you that you're becoming. And this one is particularly challenging for those of us who tend towards people pleasing and approval seeking, and being very invested in external validation and the opinions and judgments of others, and decoupling our sense of worth from that approval, from other people, needing everyone to agree with us and accept us and tell us that we're right and good all the time, that's a really big part of growth. The more we can internally source that sense of worth and value, the less invested we are in everything that's going on out there. Particularly when it comes to our closer relationships, our romantic relationships, but even friends and family, if we are doing big work in terms of learning to be more boundaried, learning to ground ourselves in our own values, our own authenticity, voicing needs, maybe correcting patterns of self loss, self sacrifice, over giving, over functioning, responsibility taking where it was maybe too far beyond our capacity in a way that was ultimately harming our well-being. As we start to correct some of those patterns and find our way back to something that feels more balanced and measured, we may well receive pushback or resistance from people who are accustomed to the status quo that has existed. Relationships are systems, families are systems, and when one person in the system starts to recalibrate, it shakes up the whole system.
[00:12:03]:
And if other people aren't on a journey of growth and healing, and maybe aren't interested in a new way, maybe they were very comfortable with the old way, then that can feel threatening to them, and they won't necessarily like it because you giving less might mean them having to give more, or you pulling back on some of your patterns of over functioning might mean that certain balls get dropped. All of those things, in anxious avoidant dynamics, anxiously attached people do so much work all the time to close the gap, to reach out. I think of like it's almost like running on a hamster wheel all the time to just try and keep the relationship afloat, and so if you suddenly let go of some of that behavior, it might lead to ripple effects in your relationship. Sometimes there will be really positive ripple effects, but other times it might not be met with warmth and excitement on the other side, it might not be a welcome change. So preparing yourself for the fact that not everyone is going to like the changes that you're making, and really the most important thing there is that you need to be so committed to finding your path to authenticity and well-being in yourself and in your relationships, that that matters more to you than the approval of the people around you. And of course I know that that's so much easier said than done, and that when our sense of authenticity is in conflict with connection or belonging, or any of those other really deep attachment needs, it's almost always easier for us to sacrifice our authenticity, in the short term at least, and that's what got many of us to our patterns. But part of the work of growing and healing is figuring out and deciding, 'Is this worth what it's costing me?' And a lot of us will find our way to answering that in the negative and deciding that we're not actually willing to let go of really fundamental parts of who we are and what we need in order to keep a relationship afloat. Okay.
[00:14:16]:
The fourth hard truth when it comes to healing anxious attachment is one that I've sort of already touched on, but it is that healing does not mean that you are not gonna get triggered anymore. I wish that that were the case, but alas, it is not. Triggers are part of life. Being activated by something is part of life. Certainly, the healing process means that we are less reactive in our triggers. So I think when we are maybe at the start of our healing journey, or we haven't started our healing journey, a lot of people will feel so reactive and so out of control, like almost as if as soon as you get triggered something takes over you and you feel really at the mercy of whatever those responses are. Those protective parts shoot from the hip really quickly, and you then have to deal with the fallout, deal with the consequences afterwards. Healing certainly means that we have more control over how we respond to things, and that's really where the freedom comes into it.
[00:15:23]:
But it doesn't mean that we don't get triggered in the first place. I think it can mean that we get triggered a lot less. I certainly feel not nearly as triggered by things as I once was, and certainly things around the tendency to take people's behaviour personally and go into all of those stories that we might have around how could someone do that?' or 'they're so selfish' all of those judgments that are oftentimes coming from a wounded place within us. I think the more that we can tend to those wounds within us, the less we are likely to place ourselves at the center of the narrative, and I think it is when we are at the center of the narrative that we are more prone to being easily triggered by everything around us. But even still, there will be moments, and particularly in our most intimate relationships, which have a funny knack for triggering us in all of those ways that will feel very familiar. Those moments will still arise, there will still be challenges, there will still be times where you feel that pull to the old way, but healing is really all about creating space, creating pause, building capacity to choose something different that goes back to that earlier hard truth which was that the process of becoming secure is really the process of choice and practice and repetitions over time. So part of that is choosing how we respond to moments of trigger, and that might be through self regulation, self soothing, through taking some space, through coaching ourselves through it, through seeking out the support of someone that we trust. Lots of healthier ways to respond than just, as I said, shooting from the hip and impulsively, reactively firing off those old ways of being that actually keep us entrenched in the patterns that we're trying to shake.
[00:17:12]:
Okay. And the fifth and final hard truth about healing anxious attachment is that you'll have moments where you miss your old patterns. And that might sound a little weird if you are in the depths of this at the moment and you are doing everything in your power to shake those patterns. The idea of missing those patterns, missing those habits, missing those ways of being probably doesn't make sense to you. But there is something cozy and comfy about our habituated patterns of self protection. I can guarantee you that at least some part of you really, really likes the status quo, really likes the thought loops, really likes those protective mechanisms, really likes all of the ways that you have learned to keep yourself safe. And let's face it, sometimes it can feel really good to make the snappy comment or to not take the high road. We can recognize that, yes, there's certain things that I want to do in terms of how I show up in my relationships.
[00:18:16]:
Being mature and acting from integrity and my values and all of that, but sometimes we do just want to make the passive aggressive comment or bite back at someone who we feel is disrespecting us. So it's not always comfy or easy to take the high road and to choose something that is more mature and aligned. Often times we will want to reach for those old patterns that even though we know they weren't good for us, they can taste good in the way that junk food does. So there will be times, I promise you, where at least a part of you will want to reach for those old things because you might miss them. It might feel like it was easier or simpler than having to exercise choice, having to make those more grounded, wise choices that are in service of our relationships. Being the bigger person is not always comfortable, and I think some parts of us, particularly younger parts, can have a bit of resistance to that and can feel almost like it's unfair. Why do I always have to be the one to say sorry? Why do I always have to be the one to lead repair in my relationship? Why do I always have to be the one to stay regulated or not take things personally? Those parts of us can come to the surface and just want to go into immature patterns of conflict, or making misnite remarks, or being juvenile, or being petty, being stubborn, all of these things that are a little bit juicy in the moment sometimes, and we want to revert or regress into those old ways of being when we feel entitled to, and when we don't want to have to be the one to lead. So prepare yourself for that, that you might miss aspects of your old patterns, even if they're unhealthy, even if they're dysfunctional.
[00:20:09]:
From time to time you might notice yourself reaching for those, or at least longing for that, or resenting having to do the grown up thing and make the healthy choice in your relationship. Okay. So those were five hard truths that you will confront as you embark on this journey of healing anxious attachment. I hope that it's given you something to sort of frame your expectations around. I do think it's really important in this and everything else to have realistic and healthy expectations, because as I said, otherwise we tend to think that something's wrong when really nothing is wrong. I think that can in turn lead us to be self critical and judgmental and blaming and shaming, which obviously obstructs our healing work. So rather than thinking that you're doing something wrong, if and when you experience any of the things I've talked about today, know that that's part of the process and that your job is just to continue to keep going, to continue being self reflective, and to the extent needed, course correcting. If you do slip up, so to speak, just learn the lesson.
[00:21:18]:
You don't need to punish yourself for that so much as recognize, okay, what was going on for me here, and what can I learn from it, and and continue putting one foot in front of the other? That's really what all of this is about. It's not about being perfect, it's not about a very neat linear journey from a to b, and really the way that we respond to ourselves along the way is a big part of making that transition from anxious to secure. So I'm sending so much love to any and all of you who are doing this brave and courageous work. And as I said, if you'd like some support on that journey, do check out my healing anxious attachment program, which is on sale for a few more days. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:07]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, Relationships, Healing, Anxious attachment, Insecurity, Growth, Expectations, Myths, Healing process, Emotional safety, Secure attachment, Personal growth, People pleasing, Boundaries, Self-worth, Triggers, Self-regulation, Conflict, Vulnerability, Communication, Protective strategies, Emotional awareness, Authenticity, Self-reflection, Self-soothing, Self-confidence, Conflict resolution, Personal development, Anxiety, Attachment theory.