#183: How to Be a Better Partner
When we think about improving our relationships, we’re often focused on what isn’t working — what our partner could do differently, how we’re not getting our needs met, where communication is breaking down.
When we think about improving our relationships, we’re often focused on what isn’t working — what our partner could do differently, how we’re not getting our needs met, where communication is breaking down.
But in this episode, I want to invite a slightly different lens: what does it mean to be a better partner? Not from a place of self-sacrifice or perfectionism, but from a grounded, secure place. One that’s rooted in love, compassion, curiosity, and a willingness to show up with care.
In this episode, we explore:
Why our capacity to sit with discomfort can shape the tone of our relationships
What it really means to listen with curiosity, rather than defensiveness
How our own insecurities can make us self-focused without realising it
The importance of meaningful repair after conflict
The difference between blame and honest self-reflection
Why it matters to love your partner the way they receive love—not just how you like to give it
These aren’t tips to make yourself more palatable or easygoing. They’re invitations to grow, to connect more deeply, and to take ownership of your part in creating a secure and nourishing relational space.
Free Masterclass: Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
Highlighted Resources
How to Be a Better Partner
Being a better partner might sound like a simple goal, but in practice, it’s often one we overlook. We might spend time working on ourselves individually, or reflecting on what we’d like our partner to do differently. But how often do we pause to consider the kind of partner we are? How we show up? And how our behaviours, habits, and responses shape the relational environment we’re co-creating?
This post is an invitation to bring that question into focus—not from a place of guilt or self-blame, but from a grounded, secure desire to love well. Here are six practical and powerful ways to be a better partner in your relationship.
Learn to Sit with Discomfort
Discomfort is inevitable in relationships. Whether it's the vulnerability of being misunderstood, unmet needs, or the sting of conflict, none of us are immune. But how we respond to discomfort matters.
Anxiously attached folks tend to move quickly to “fix” things, driven by urgency and fear of disconnection. Avoidant partners, on the other hand, may retreat or shut down to escape the overwhelm. Both are strategies to avoid sitting with what’s hard.
Becoming a better partner starts with learning to hold discomfort with care and patience—allowing space for grounded responses rather than reactive ones. This creates room for mutual growth, deeper understanding, and lasting intimacy.
Listen to Understand, Not to Defend
Listening is a relationship superpower—but only when it’s done with genuine curiosity. So often, we’re not truly listening; we’re preparing our rebuttal, trying to persuade, or even defending our good intentions (especially common for anxious attachers).
True listening means entering a conversation with the intent to understand the other person’s world, not to prove a point. It means honouring their experience as valid—even if it differs wildly from your own.
When both people feel seen and heard, conflict softens and connection deepens. Try replacing “but I didn’t mean it like that” with “I can see how that landed for you.” It’s a game-changer.
Stop Making Everything About You
When we’re feeling hurt, scared, or insecure, our focus naturally narrows—we become the centre of our own universe. This isn’t a flaw; it’s human. But if we want to be better partners, we need to actively shift that focus.
Remember: there’s a whole other person in the relationship, complete with their own fears, desires, wounds, and inner world. Making space for their experience—not just our own—helps us respond with compassion, rather than defensiveness or control.
Even anxious over-functioning ("I do everything for them!") often has a hidden self-interested motive: the hope that we’ll be chosen, loved, or needed in return. Taking a step back and asking, “What might they be experiencing right now?” opens the door to deeper empathy and mutual care.
Prioritise Meaningful Repair After Conflict
Conflict is inevitable, especially in intimate relationships. But the goal isn’t to avoid it—it’s to get better at repairing it.
So often, we withhold apologies, vulnerability, or accountability because we don’t want to “give in” first. Or we fold too quickly (hello, anxious attachers), not from genuine understanding, but from emotional exhaustion and a longing for things to feel okay again.
True repair means being willing to look at how you contributed to the rupture, take ownership for your part, and move back into connection with an open heart. Not because it’s your “fault,” but because reconnection matters.
Couples who master the art of repair are more likely to experience trust, safety, and long-term satisfaction. It’s worth the effort.
Look Honestly at Your Patterns
Blame is easy. Self-blame is also easy (and often confused with accountability). But honest, compassionate self-reflection? That’s where the magic happens.
Ask yourself: What patterns keep repeating in my relationships? What tends to trigger me, and how do I respond? What impact do my reactions have on my partner?
Looking at your side of the street—without shame or self-judgment—isn’t just helpful for your growth. It models a powerful kind of emotional maturity that creates more secure, grounded partnerships.
Love Your Partner the Way They Want to Be Loved
We all have different ways of feeling loved. But so often, we default to expressing love in the way that we would like to receive it.
To be a better partner, we need to be curious: “What makes you feel most loved by me?” It might surprise you. The things you’re doing with the best of intentions might not be landing—and with small shifts, you can make your love more resonant and effective.
Whether or not you’re familiar with love languages, the principle is simple: love is most powerful when it’s attuned. Ask the questions. Listen to the answers. And be willing to adjust.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your habits in dealing with discomfort in your relationships. Do you notice a tendency to either flee from discomfort or to urgently try to resolve it? How might sitting with discomfort transform your interactions with your partner?
When having conversations with your partner, do you listen with the intent to understand or find yourself preparing a defence while they’re talking? How can genuine curiosity improve your communication dynamics?
Consider the times when disagreements arise. Are you often focused on being "right," or can you acknowledge the validity of your partner's perspective even if it differs from yours? How does this shape the quality of your connection?
How do you typically approach repair after a conflict? Do you find yourself holding back due to pride, or are you willing to take the first step towards reconciliation? How might improving in this area contribute to the health of your relationship?
Reflect on the patterns you have noticed in past or current relationships. Are you able to identify your contributions to recurring issues? How willing are you to take responsibility for these patterns and work on them constructively?
How do you express love and care towards your partner? Are these expressions based on your own love language, or have you considered how your partner most feels loved? What small changes can you make to align more with their needs?
When reflecting on a recent disagreement with your partner, can you identify any assumptions you made about their motives or feelings? How might these assumptions have coloured the interaction, and what could you do differently next time?
If you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic, have you explored both your own tendencies and those of your partner? What strategies can you implement to address these patterns and foster a more secure connection?
How do you perceive the role of your own self-awareness in the context of improving your relationship? What steps could you take to deepen your understanding of yourself and your partner?
Thinking about your desires to improve as a partner, what actions are you willing to take immediately to show up as a more loving and supportive partner? Which of the discussed tips resonates most with you, and why?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:28]:
In today's episode, I'm gonna be sharing some tips on how you can be a better partner, which I think sounds kind of obvious, but oftentimes is something that we overlook. We're maybe working on ourselves as an individual, or maybe we're focused on the things that we would like our partner to do differently. We're focusing on things like needs and boundaries and communication and conflict. But maybe we're not so focused on or grounded in, like, how am I showing up in my capacity as a partner? And what is my contribution to the relational environment that we are co creating here? And what might it look like to really focus on how I'm showing up and how I could be a better partner? How I could be a more loving, compassionate, kind, supportive partner? Not to the detriment of ourselves, not in a way that's veering into codependent territory, but from a really secure place of just like, how can I show up as the most loving partner that I can be? So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this. This This was inspired by an Instagram post that I put up last week that went a bit viral, so obviously it's a topic that is resonating with people and that really landed for people, so I thought it might be useful to unpack in a little more depth and nuance here, obviously, than I can do in an Instagram post. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, how you can be a better partner.
[00:01:57]:
I'm gonna be sharing six tips. Before we dive into that, couple of quick announcements. The first just being, if you listened to last week, you would have heard me mention that I'm going to be running an event in London in September. And if you are based in or around London or maybe in Europe and you wanna travel to London, I would love for you to jump on a wait list. I'm still fleshing out the details, but we've already got a lot of interest. And having a sense of how many people are interested will help me in figuring out what the event looks like. So if you are at all interested in coming to an event in London in early September, please do join the wait list. The link is in the show notes under this episode.
[00:02:34]:
Or if you wanna just come find me on Instagram and send me a DM there, a few people have been doing that as well, and I can send you the link that way. Second quick announcement is sort of in keeping with the theme of today's episode. I am so terrible at sharing about this resource. I feel like that's true of a lot of free resources that I have on my website that I forget to tell people about. I have a free masterclass on my website all about anxious avoidant relationships and how you can start to shift some of those patterns. Highly recommend that you check it out if what we're talking about today resonates and you feel like you're in a bit of a sticky place and you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic that feels kind of insurmountable or you've just been in the same cycles again and again. It's a really helpful class. I think it's about an hour long from memory, and it'll just kind of shine a light on where your work is as an individual.
[00:03:21]:
So if you're more anxious, as most people listening to this will be, where you might misstep or go wrong or be focusing your energy and attention where it's not really leading to what you're hoping for, and what you can do instead, and also true for avoidant people, so it addresses both sides of that dynamic. Definitely check that out. I'll put the link in the show notes as well, or you can just head to the freebies page on my website. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around how to be a better partner. So the first one is learn to sit with discomfort. So I think that unfortunately in our modern culture, for a whole host of reasons, we have a pretty strong aversion to discomfort and we have almost an entitlement to getting what we want when we want it. I think everything about our culture promulgates that kind of view and expectation.
[00:04:13]:
And so when we're faced with discomfort or dissatisfaction, depending on your attachment style, your attachment blueprint, your instinct is probably to either run from that discomfort, as in the case of avoidant attachment, just get as far away from the discomfort as I can, or if you're more anxious, your inclination is probably to try and solve the discomfort, make the discomfort go away very urgently. But both ends of the spectrum, not very good at sitting with the discomfort, tolerating the discomfort, working through the discomfort in a way that is actually constructive. And so, I think this contributes on both sides to unhealthy or unhelpful patterns in our relationship. And really, if you want to be a better partner, a big part of that is going to be learning to pause, to not try and urgently fix something if you're more anxious. Learning to tolerate discomfort and to hold yourself through that so that you can actually find resolutions to problems that are not driven by insecurity or urgency or panic or fear. That's going to stand you in really good stead, and it's going to allow you to show up in a more grounded way. And in so doing, that's really going to make you a much better partner and a much easier partner to be with and to deal with than someone who is either rushing to solve any and every source of discomfort or potential source of discomfort, or at the other end of the spectrum, as I said, someone who's just getting as far away as they can from any and every source of discomfort. Okay.
[00:05:48]:
The next tip on how to be a better partner is listen to understand, not to defend or persuade or manipulate or seek the approval or agreement of. Listen to understand. In other words, show up to your relationship with genuine curiosity. Right? And I emphasize the genuine because, I mean, knowing that I can be really guilty of this, oftentimes, even if you are someone who is a good listener in the sense of you can patiently listen to what someone's saying and you can respond thoughtfully, sometimes we still do that with an agenda. And we do that as someone's talking. We're already thinking about the response that we're going to come back with, formulating that in a way that bolsters our viewpoint, or dismantles their argument, or tries to persuade them that actually they're misunderstood or they've misinterpreted something. All of those can be subtle ways that we defend our rightness, and in so doing, invalidate someone else's experience or perspective. Right? Even if we're wrapping it up in a bow and being really pleasant about it, saying, again, I'm so guilty of this.
[00:07:01]:
Right? I think oftentimes we associate defensiveness with something a little more abrasive and dismissive, but anxiously attached people can be super defensive. It just tends to be more appeasing and almost like a fawning response. I was just trying to help. Like, these sorts of things. We don't think of that necessarily as defensive, but that is invalidating as well. Right? So if you want to be a better partner, a really good thing to focus on is bringing genuine curiosity and listening to understand, and with the starting assumption that the other person's experience is as real and valid as the experience that you were having that could be completely different to their experience, and oftentimes will be completely different to their experience. Right? So many of us are so grounded, whether we realize it or not, in this framework of one of us has to be right, or more right. And so most of our conversations end up being us trading our recounting or analysis or judgments of one another with a view to trying to convert the other person to our point of view so that we feel like we've won, or come out on top, or gotten our way.
[00:08:09]:
And I don't know if you've noticed, but that tends to be really ineffective at getting us what we really want, which is a sense of being understood and connected to the other person, feeling like we both win out of the dynamic. It sounds a little cheesy, but it's so true, right? When we're trying to win, we actually don't win because one of us ends up feeling unseen and misunderstood and defeated. And if one person in the relationship is feeling defeated, that's not a great outcome. So listen to try and understand really genuinely with curiosity, with a starting assumption that their experience is real and valid, even if it's not what you intended or it's completely different to your perception of a situation. Don't just pretend to be listening, but then come in with whatever your persuasive, masterful techniques at telling them all the ways in which they're mistaken and your perception was right. Okay? Easier said than done, but a really important relationship skill and a great way to be a better partner. Okay. That one feeds nicely into the next one, which is stop making everything about you.
[00:09:15]:
Okay? There is a whole other person on the other side of your relationship with all of their own thoughts, fears, insecurities, desires, needs, limits, boundaries, all of these things, right? Everything that you know about yourself. Think about everything you've ever experienced, and every thought you've ever had, and every fear that you harbor, and every secret that you might be holding. There's another person that has all of that depth and richness and history and nuance and layers. And oftentimes, I think we forget that, and we make it all about us. Right? We assume that we kind of fully understand them, and we've got them all figured out, and we're the one with the complexity and the richness, and we just need them to more or less capitulate to what we want because we think that what we want is right. Again, going back to the previous one of we all have this very natural bias in favor of our way of doing things, seeing things, our value system. There's just this sense of, yeah, but my way is better. Right? My way is more valid than your way.
[00:10:24]:
But the sooner that you can realize that bias, notice where it shows up, and recognize that it isn't all about you, and there is a whole other person, and their way is just as right as your way to the extent that we're even using that language. But really, I encourage you to get rid of that language altogether and actually just recognize here we are, two completely messy human people coming to a relationship and trying to figure it out together. And you've got all of that going on for you as well. And I've talked before about how when we feel stressed or insecure in our relationships, we are naturally selfish. Right? All of us. This is not a character defect. This is not throwing shade at any individual. We are all selfish when we're under stress or conditions of insecurity.
[00:11:19]:
Even if your stress comes out as selflessness, so to speak, again, I'm talking to the anxious attaches, like, we can often say, I'm not selfish. I do everything for them. I only take care of their needs. I don't even think about my own needs, and I settle for so much less than I deserve. Blah blah blah. How could I be selfish? But I think we know deep down that we're doing that to get something. Right? We're doing that so that someone chooses us or loves us or needs us. It's got a self interested motive underneath it.
[00:11:50]:
And so recognizing that stress does make us selfish and that our perception of a situation is always influenced by our own experience and history, and that the same is true for the other person. And so if we can stop putting ourselves at the center of everything and defaulting to that very self centered place, self centered perception of what's going on, consciously reorient outside of that and take a walk around to their perspective and go, what might it look like from over here? How might they be experiencing me? Even again, if that's not what I'm intending. I think that can be an incredibly powerful thing to do for your relationship and certainly will allow you to show up as a better partner. Okay. The next one is practice and get really good at meaningful repair after conflict. So as I've spoken about so many times before, healthy relationships are not about zero conflict. Conflict, I think, is a part of it. Building on what we've just been talking about, when you get two people with all of that stuff that they're bringing to a relationship, all of those fears and wounds and past experiences, like, conflict is inevitable.
[00:13:02]:
So in light of that, what we really wanna do is get really well practiced in the art of meaningful repair. And that looks like understanding where we went wrong, understanding how we might have been received, taking responsibility for where we didn't show up in a way that we're proud of, not withholding all of those things. I think so often what we can do is be like, why should I be the one to lead the repair? Why should I have to take responsibility? Why should I be the one to apologize when they're the one who did blah blah blah? The reality is you don't have to do any of those things, but if you want to experience meaningful repair, and if you want to come back into connection, then that's how you're going to do it. So think of it as a choice that you have, but really, like, you're cutting off your nose despite your face if you're withholding all of those things so that you can be right, so that you can create a sense of fairness even though it doesn't feel good. I think really learning to come back into an open hearted place and recognize that, like, when we're both turned away from each other and holding all of this hurt and anger and bitterness and disconnection, like, it's toxic, it's poison for us both. And we're sitting in pain with our backs turned to each other. There's nothing good about this. So who am I serving by withholding that open hearted vulnerability? And it is vulnerable, right? Taking the first step, extending the olive branch.
[00:14:34]:
Not from a place of, like, just trying to appease or get through the other side of conflict. I think, again, anxiously attached people can do that. We can just kind of fold or crumble a bit because the conflict wears us down so much, and we get to a point where we can't really remember, like, why was I so angry? Now I just feel sad and lonely, and I want us to not be fighting anymore. But usually when we come to a repair from that place, and there's this, like, energy of desperation, or, like, I'm just worn down and I want everything to be fine again, often we don't go deep enough into what happened here in a way that allows us to meaningfully repair. And I think as a side note to that, often what'll happen in anxious avoidant relationships is we spin around in these conversations for hours and hours, and we do both get worn down. The avoidant partner tends to just feel like, this is so ineffective. We're going around in circles. I've said the things you want me to say.
[00:15:34]:
I don't know why you're still upset with me. I don't know what I can give you. Can we just stop this? And of course, that feels really dismissive and invalidating to the anxious partner who probably doesn't even know what they want or need, but they just know that they're not getting it, and the whole thing is just so tiring and upsetting for both people and can really lead to this sense of feeling like totally defeated and demoralized. So the more you can practice, what does it actually mean to attune to each other and to validate each other and to connect after there's been a rupture in a way that we both feel like we've come back to a place of emotional safety and trust. That is really essentially important, and there's been so much research done that speaks to the fact that couples who can repair after conflict are the ones who really last the distance and experience relationship satisfaction. So get really good at that. It will make all the difference in your relationships. Okay.
[00:16:29]:
The next one is be willing to look at your patterns really honestly. Okay. Blaming the other person is much easier than taking responsibility for yourself. And actually, I would say blaming the other person or blaming yourself is easier than looking honestly, because I don't think that blaming ourselves is the same as looking honestly at our patterns. I think blame tends to lead to shame, and it's probably preceded by shame and it leads to more shame. And so when we're blaming ourselves, we're just saying, there's something wrong with me, or we're blaming them, or we're saying, there's something wrong with them and they just need to change. Neither of those approaches actually engages with reality, and because of that, it misses the opportunity for meaningful growth, and we can't really learn the lessons. It's like we've got these goggles on and they're distorting our reality, and we need to take them off altogether and go, what's really happening here? If I could step outside of my experience and be a third party observer to this, what's really happening? And it's only when we can look honestly at how does my stuff show up? What's my contribution to the dynamic? What is it about these things that trigger me, that bring me into contact with unhealed stuff? How am I responding in a way that is maybe counterproductive or making things worse? I think that the more insecure we are, the less likely we are to engage meaningfully with all of that stuff because there is so much shame and stress in the system that we do just want to reach for they're the problem or I'm the problem or it's also hopeless and, like, none of that is actually going to help.
[00:18:07]:
And so, we can take a bit of the charge out of it and just looking honestly, what's going on here, and what needs to shift? My couples course Secure Together, the first module, an exercise that we take people through, I teach the course with Joel, my partner. One of the first exercises people do is a relationship audit and looking at like where do we fall down? What is our cycle? What do we each contribute to that? What are the conditions that tend to precede something like that happening? So, our fights usually happen when we're both really stressed or we haven't spent quality time together, and it usually is set off by this happening, and then I respond like this, and then you do that, and then we spiral. So getting really clear and looking quite objectively at, like, how does it usually go, and what's my part in that, that is so, so valuable for your relationship, so much more so than just highly emotionally clouded blaming and shaming. So be willing to look honestly at your patterns and your contribution. That's going to make you a much better partner and it's really going to serve your relationship. Okay. And the last one is love your partner the way they want and need to be loved. We've all got our own ways of being loved, our own ideas and expectations around what is loving and what that means and what that looks like.
[00:19:29]:
And it's an area where it's so easy to project our own preferences onto someone else and in lots of unspoken ways, just do the thing that we would experience as loving that might not actually land for them, and it can even land as unloving, or controlling, or smothering, whatever. And so get curious. What feels loving to you? How could I love you better? When do you feel most loved and cared for by me? And when do you feel maybe not so loved and cared for by me? Be willing to go in with an open mind and actually shift so that your efforts aren't wasted, because I think so often we can feel a bit disheartened when we think we're being really loving and it's not landing, and then we feel like, well, I'm putting in so much effort, and you don't even feel loved, so what more can I give? That can often be a thing for avoidant people. It's, I'm trying and it's not working, so I give up. And oftentimes, it's not that you're not trying hard enough. You're maybe just putting your effort in the wrong place. So getting really curious, like, what does it take for you to feel loved? And how can I make even tiny shifts in the direction of being more loving towards you, not in the way that I like to be loved, but in the way that you like to be loved? This is that whole body of work around love languages. But even taken out of that framework, just really asking, like, when do you feel most loved by me? And how can I make little shifts in the direction of making you feel more loved on a day to day basis? You might learn something and you might be surprised that the thing that you experience as loving is not necessarily true for your partner and vice versa.
[00:21:07]:
Okay. So that was six tips on how to be a better partner. I hope that's given you some food for thoughts and things to think about. Whether you're in a relationship at the moment or not, I think we can always be sharpening our tools and our awareness around this stuff because it's an area where we all have so many blind spots. And so hopefully some helpful reminders today. As I said, definitely check out that free master class if you haven't already. It's really valuable and continues on the themes that we've talked about here today, specifically in the context of anxious avoidant relationships and some common pitfalls there. But, otherwise, I really hope that it's been helpful, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
[00:21:43]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment styles, Relationships, Self-improvement, Needs, Boundaries, Communication, Conflict resolution, Loving partner, Compassion, Codependency, Secure attachment, Modern culture, Discomfort, Avoidant attachment, Anxious attachment, Genuine curiosity, Defensive listening, Emotional validation, Relationship repair, Conflict management, Self-awareness, Relationship patterns, Blame, Shame, Relationship audit, Emotional safety, Love languages, Relationship satisfaction, Secure Together course, Free masterclass.
#182: What to Do When Your Partner Doesn't Want to Work on Themselves (or the Relationship)
One of the hardest things to face in a relationship is feeling like you're growing and evolving, while your partner seems simply unwilling to meet you there. Maybe you’ve suggested therapy, brought up recurring issues, or shared books and podcasts you love, only to be met with silence, shutdown, or defensiveness.
One of the hardest things to face in a relationship is feeling like you're growing and evolving, while your partner seems simply unwilling to meet you there. Maybe you’ve suggested therapy, brought up recurring issues, or shared books and podcasts you love, only to be met with silence, shutdown, or defensiveness.
In this episode, we’re exploring what to do when your partner doesn’t seem interested in personal growth or improving the relationship. We’ll talk about why this happens, what it means (and doesn’t mean), and how to navigate it in a way that honours your own needs without defaulting to blame or control.
Whether you're in a long-term partnership or navigating something newer, this conversation will help you feel more grounded and clear in how you show up when things feel one-sided.
In this episode, I cover:
Why some people resist self-work or relationship growth
How attachment styles shape our responses to discomfort and change
The difference between inviting vs. demanding growth
Why your healing doesn’t depend on your partner's participation
What to do when you’ve tried everything and still feel stuck
Highlighted Resources
Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
It’s a deeply frustrating experience — doing the work on yourself, feeling hopeful about what’s possible, and then bumping up against a partner who seems unwilling to meet you there. Whether they outright refuse to engage, subtly resist every attempt at deeper connection, or simply seem disinterested in personal growth or relationship work, it can leave you feeling helpless and heartbroken.
If you’re in this position, know that you’re not alone. This dynamic is incredibly common, particularly for those with more anxiously leaning attachment styles, who are often the initiators of growth and connection in their relationships. So let’s explore how to make sense of it—and what to do when you’re stuck in a one-sided dynamic of growth.
The Hurt of Feeling Alone in the Effort
It’s natural to feel hurt when your partner doesn’t show the same level of willingness to work on things. You might start questioning how much they care about you, or the relationship. It can feel personal—like their resistance is proof that you’re not important enough, or that they don’t take the relationship seriously.
From an anxious attachment lens, this is especially triggering. If your sense of safety in relationships is tied to togetherness, connection, and shared growth, your partner’s resistance might feel like rejection or abandonment. That pain is real—and it deserves compassion.
But as difficult as it is, it's also important to recognise that your partner’s resistance may not be about you.
Understanding Where the Resistance Comes From
Many people—especially those with more avoidant attachment patterns—find the idea of relationship work confronting. Not because they don’t care, but because it can stir up deep feelings of inadequacy, shame, or failure.
For someone with an avoidant tendency, constant efforts to improve the relationship may register not as love or care, but as criticism: “You’re never happy with me.” “It’s never enough.” This can be profoundly demoralising and lead them to shut down or pull away.
At the same time, anxious partners often bring a sense of urgency to fixing problems. They tend to operate from a mindset of “more”—more communication, more closeness, more work. This can feel overwhelming for someone who values peace, autonomy, or harmony over constant introspection.
Understanding these differing lenses is not about excusing harmful behaviour, but about softening our judgments. When we assume there’s a good reason behind someone’s resistance—even if we don’t understand it fully—it opens the door to more compassionate, collaborative communication.
Focus on What’s Within Your Control
When we feel helpless in a relationship, our instinct is often to try harder to get our partner on board. But the most empowering move you can make is to bring your focus back to yourself.
You can’t force someone to change, but you can continue to grow and heal on your own path. And crucially, you can decide what you need in order to feel safe, supported, and fulfilled in a relationship.
By turning inward, you’ll not only cultivate greater self-worth and clarity—you may also shift the relational dynamic. When you stop over-functioning or overextending to compensate for your partner’s resistance, it can create space for them to step up. And if they don’t, you’ll be in a much more grounded place to make decisions about the future of the relationship.
Be Open to Growth Looking Different
It's also worth remembering that not everyone will engage in personal growth in the same way. Just because your partner isn’t reading books or listening to podcasts doesn’t mean they’re not reflecting or evolving. Some people process things more internally, or engage with change in quieter, less visible ways.
Try to stay open to the possibility that growth may look different for them—and that your way isn’t the only valid way.
That said, if you’ve been doing your own work, growing, and showing up differently, and your partner continues to resist or shut you down, it’s okay to acknowledge that misalignment. You’re allowed to outgrow a relationship that no longer reflects your values or vision.
Invite, Don’t Instruct
When you do bring up issues with your partner, try to invite collaboration rather than instructing or lecturing. Instead of saying “You need to change,” consider saying, “I’m feeling stuck here and I don’t want us to keep going in circles. I’d love for us to find a new way through this—do you have any ideas?”
This approach recognises that you’re a team. It respects their autonomy while making space for your needs. It’s more likely to be received openly than a dynamic where you’re the teacher and they’re the reluctant student.
You Can’t Lose by Doing Your Work
Ultimately, choosing to do your own inner work is never wasted effort. Whether your partner joins you or not, you will benefit. You’ll gain clarity, confidence, and the ability to make decisions from a place of self-trust rather than fear.
And if you do reach the point where you realise the relationship can’t meet your needs, you’ll be better equipped to navigate that choice with courage and self-respect.
The road to secure love often begins with self-leadership. And no matter where your partner stands, you always have the power to lead yourself.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we're talking about what to do when your partner doesn't want to work on themselves or the relationship. So this is such a common one. I know for so many people who I work with, in fact in the last couple of weeks, I feel like I've fielded variations on this from a number of people in my Healing Anxious Attachment course and community space. I feel like a lot of people are struggling with this, and as is always the case, if a small sample that I'm interacting with is struggling with it, I'm sure that more people in my broader community are struggling with it as well. And it can be so frustrating and defeating. It's certainly a situation that I've personally been in, and as I said, comes up a lot amongst the people that I work with.
[00:01:17]:
So I want to share some thoughts today on what do you do if you find yourself in this situation where you are really wanting to work on the relationship, and maybe you're really doing a lot of work on yourself, and you really want your partner to be on board with that. Maybe you're really excited about all of the things you're learning, and you can really see the benefits, but your partner is disinterested, not willing to engage, and maybe really actively pushes back against any attempts that you might make to bring them along for the ride or welcome them into the work or suggesting resources, suggesting things you think they might find interesting. If there is a real friction there, and you're feeling a little disheartened by their unwillingness. How do we navigate that? How long do you persist in those sorts of dynamics? Do you just make your peace with the fact that they are not interested in that? What do you do if there are things that you feel really do need to shift or change in order for the relationship to be viable? How long do you wait? All of these questions that spring from this sort of fundamental conflict point around when one person is doing the work and wanting to do the work, and the other isn't. So that's what I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on today. As I said, I know that this is a very very common one, and so hopefully it's one that a lot of people will get a lot out of. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being just a reminder about my free resource, the Anxious Attachment Starter Kit.
[00:02:46]:
If you haven't downloaded it, definitely do, particularly if what I'm talking about today resonates with you because it really is a great starting resource for folks with anxious attachment patterns. Maybe you're not quite ready to dive into one of my courses or invest at that level yet, but the free starter kit is still really comprehensive. You get a I think it's about a forty minute video where I'm sharing about my own journey with anxious attachment and how I got from where I was to where I am. There's a guided meditation of affirmations for anxious attachment, as well as a workbook that gives you some journal prompts and some other reflection questions to build some more self awareness around your relationship patterns, and get really clear around what drives you and what you need in order to thrive in a relationship. Those are all exclusive resources that you won't find anywhere else, and they are completely free in the Anxious Attachment Starter Kit. So the link to that is in the show notes. Definitely check it out. As I said, it's a really helpful resource if you are just starting out on your journey.
[00:03:46]:
The second quick announcement is a really exciting one. I'm going to be in London in September year, and I'm planning to hold an event. If that sounds a little vague, it's because I haven't firmed up the details yet, but I am taking expressions of interest, building a waitlist for people who are interested in that, which will help me to decide what it looks like. So not sure yet whether it will be sort of an intimate workshop akin to what I ran in Sydney late last year, or whether it will be more of a bigger talk or an event like that. But irrespective, if you are in London or around London or willing to travel to London in September, please jump on the waitlist. And if you want to reach out to me on Instagram or send an email letting me know that you'd be keen, all of that is really helpful for me in planning and finalising the details to make sure that it suits the needs of people who are willing to come. So please do jump on the waitlist. Again, link is in the show notes.
[00:04:39]:
Or come in and find me on Instagram and send me a message there. That would be super helpful and I am already so excited. I shared about it this morning on my Instagram stories and I've already had a bunch of people jump on the waitlist in less than an hour. So that bodes really well for what will hopefully be an exciting event in London later in the year. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around what to do when your partner doesn't want to work on themselves or the relationship. So I just want to start out by validating how hard this feels. And as I said, I've been there.
[00:05:11]:
It is a familiar experience for me that I remember well. There have been times in in multiple relationships that I've been in where I've felt like I'm up against resistance in wanting to work through something in the relationship, and that sense of having tried everything. Maybe you've tried directly suggesting things, maybe you've shared resources, maybe you've tried a more hands off approach, and tried leaving them to their own devices, and not wanting to be controlling or pushy or whatever, and it feels like none of the things that you're trying, even though they're across a spectrum of directness or intervention, none of it is getting much traction. None of it is inspiring willingness or growth in your partner, and so you can feel a bit stumped in terms of, well, what do I do now? Nothing is working. Right? So I just want to validate how frustrating and disheartening that can feel, because when we really want the relationship to work, we really want to solve whatever the thing is that feels like it, particularly if it's a make or break thing. The stakes feel so high, and so of course there is a sense of urgency and gravity about it. And when you're met with unwillingness, oftentimes you will perceive that as 'if you cared about the relationship, if you loved me, you would want to work on this', So the fact that you are resistant must mean that you're not that invested. Right? That's a really common interpretation of someone's unwillingness, particularly if you are coming from a more anxious attachment place.
[00:06:47]:
And that can really hurt and it can really sting. And it can be really confusing as well. Like, how could you love me but not want to solve this thing? So reconciling all of that. And of course, as we learn more about this, we start to understand that there's a lot of projection in that. We're assuming that someone sees the world, sees relationships in the same way that we do, and is operating on the same kind of framework and blueprint that we have, which is why it's so helpful to learn more about different attachment patterns and how wildly different our view of things can be, while being grounded in a very real and valid experience on both sides. So I do just want to start out by saying I get it. I get the frustration, I get the exasperation, I get the confusion and the doubt and the hurt and the worry and the anxiety that comes with feeling like you're up against a brick wall on something that feels so so important, and particularly if it's a non negotiable or a deal breaker for the relationship. With that being said, I think we do have to walk around to the other side, as always.
[00:07:46]:
It's like, how can I approach this with curiosity and an assumption of validity? So in the same way that the experience you're having is real and valid, so too is the experience that they're having. And if we can step outside of our agenda for a moment and be genuinely curious, not curious in the sense of, oh I'll try and understand what your resistance is so that I can reverse engineer a way to dissolve that resistance, so that I can further my own agenda of trying to get you to change, right? I I say that having definitely had that, whether conscious or or subconscious, that motive before. Like genuinely curious of like, why does this feel threatening to you? What is it about me wanting to work on the relationship? Or the whole idea of personal development, self inquiry, why does that feel threatening to you? Why is that something that you push away so insistently? And I think we have to assume that there's good reason for that. Rather than judging it, or blaming, shaming, attacking, criticizing, assuming that it's wrong, let's assume that there's a really good reason for it, and then get curious as to what that might be. So in the case of avoidant attachment, oftentimes, I've talked about this before, there is a core wound around defectiveness or inadequacy, and the flip side of that, in much the same way as anxious attaches have a core wound around unworthiness and tend to deal with that wound or manage that wound by over functioning, over giving, striving, trying to prove worth, for more avoidant people who have this wound around inadequacy, failure, they tend to protect that wound by trying to be successful. Right? And it's so important for people with avoidant patterns to feel successful in their relationships and in their lives. And what successful often looks and sounds and feels like is that I'm doing a good job. And so this is why a lot of avoidant people react poorly to the constant efforts on the anxious partner's side to always be improving things, the sense that their anxious partner is always upset about something, that there's always more that we could be doing to improve the relationship.
[00:10:06]:
It comes across to many avoidant people as like, it's never enough. Nothing I do is ever enough. You're never happy with me. You're never satisfied, and that makes me feel like a failure and a disappointment, and that is really demoralising. So, understanding that you're coming at this issue of, like, self improvement or relationship improvement from totally different places. There's this proactive part on the anxious attached side that's like, why wouldn't we want to plug every little teeny tiny hole in the boat ahead of time so that nothing bad ever happens, nothing ever gets in the way of our connection and our relationship, and we could always be more connected, and going deeper and deeper. There's just this sense of more, more, more on the side of the anxious attacher. And as I said, that's not all bad, that's not something we need to pathologize or make wrong, but noticing the underbelly side of that, that there is a safety that comes from ever more connection, right? The bottomless pit of I just always want more from you, And I think that can come from a place of really struggling to feel safe, to just rest in a relationship that feels like enough because we've always got this edge of hyper vigilance, this sense that the other shoe is going to drop, the sense that trouble is always just around the corner, and so we feel like we always have to be doing, doing, doing to get ahead of any problems.
[00:11:34]:
From the avoidance side, there's a really high value placed on relational harmony. And just to preempt anyone who's going to say, what, so I just have to swallow all of my problems and never say anything?' and no, that's not what I'm saying, that's never what I'm saying. But recognizing that there might be a middle ground here in terms of how we approach things so that it doesn't feel like this relentless, almost like tidal wave of things we need to work on before we can just enjoy each other. Right? And anxious attaches, I've talked about before, tend to come in with 15 things that I want to work on. And even if your partner is actually making progress and doing a good job on a few of them, your focus is always going to be on the things that are imperfect or not yet as you want them to be, and you may overlook all of the progress that has been made. You may miss the big picture and that can, again, feel really uninspiring, really demoralising for someone who is genuinely putting in effort and genuinely wants to make you happy. If they don't feel encouraged, they don't feel seen or appreciated for the effort that they are putting in, all of that can contribute to an overall environment where their instinct is to be resistant to your efforts or attempts at getting more from them, when they already feel like they're trying and they're giving, and it's never enough. So with that being said, let's shift now to talking about what you can do.
[00:13:05]:
Having contextualised, like, why this happens and what it looks and feels like on both sides. What can you do? What is actually a productive, constructive step that you can take if you find yourself in this situation? So I think the thing to emphasize here, and I've spoken about this so many times before, it really is a fundamental tenet underpinning so much of my work, is that focusing on your own growth, you can never lose. Right? Either you focus on your own growth and you experience the benefits of that, which for an anxiously attached person are many. Really, that is the heart of your work, is to bring it back to you. And we know that that relational hyperfocus, that excessive emphasis on what are they doing and what are they not doing, and I have to control them in order to feel safe inside myself, that is really a key expression of your anxious attachment patterns, and so shifting the spotlight back to you, shifting the center of your focus back within, and going, what's within my control? How can I create safety for myself? How can I attend to my own needs, how can I attune to my own experience? That is powerful and important work for you no matter what's happening over there with them. And so I really, really believe that you cannot lose, you can only win by bringing that emphasis back onto yourself. Now, what will often happen is that in doing that, you will create a ripple effect in your relationship. We talk about what is the overall relational environment looking like? And one person, while you can't single handedly save a relationship or transform a relationship, you can absolutely shift the balance there by working on cleaning up your side of the street and changing the way that you do things because, you know, you are one input to that system.
[00:14:55]:
And so when you change one of the inputs, oftentimes you will get a different output, you will get a different result. And so doing all of your work on yourself and the way you show up, and your own boundaries, your own maybe not so healthy behaviors around over functioning or controlling or criticizing, blaming, the way you communicate in conflict, all of that stuff can absolutely really shift things on the other side. Not only in an immediate sense, but also in terms of softening their resistance and their unwillingness that they might otherwise have that is a function of all the patterns I was describing earlier. So oftentimes that will naturally take care of itself when more emotional safety and trust is built through you working on your stuff. Now the other possibility is that you do all of your work, and still there is unwillingness or resistance in them. And that is a possibility, right? Not everyone is going to come on the journey, and not everyone is interested in doing this kind of work. And I should say here that another really important thing to be mindful of is that people will engage in their journey, their growth, in different ways. It's not going to look the same for everyone, so just because your partner is not signing up to online courses or listening to relationship podcasts doesn't mean that they don't care.
[00:16:15]:
They might just be looking to engage in it in a way that feels good to them, in a way that really resonates. So just be mindful and try and be a little flexible and open minded. They don't have to find talk therapy really helpful, if that's what you find really helpful. They might have a different inroad to working on themselves and getting to know themselves. So trying to release the grip a little on it needing to look the same way as your work looks, because oftentimes it won't. But nevertheless, if you do find yourself in a situation where you've really been taking responsibility for your part, you've really cleaned up your side of the street, and you're feeling like maybe you're outgrowing your partner, they're just not coming along for the ride, and you don't know what to do with that. And maybe you're even wondering, like, how much longer do I wait? Of course that's a bit of an open question, and it's not one that I can say, oh wait three months and then make a decision. It's going to depend on a million and one variables.
[00:17:15]:
But I guess the maybe the annoying answer to that, but the honest one is the more you do your own work, and a big part of that is building up your sense of self worth and your sense of self trust, your discernment, and your clarity and confidence around what do I need in order to thrive in a relationship? How long am I willing to stick around in the face of someone's resistance? Is there resistance about really core, fundamental parts of the relationship? Or is it peripheral, things that I can live with? All of those questions are ones that you can approach with a level of maturity and discernment and deep self knowing and self awareness that is only going to benefit from you having done your work. Again, all roads lead back to you cannot lose by focusing on your stuff. So that is, again, I recognize that's maybe not the advice you want to hear, you want some sort of hack that gets them to the table against their willingness. But the core of my advice, as always, is focus on you and you can't lose. With that being said, I will wrap up by sharing a couple of things that you might try in terms of the way you approach the communication with your partner that can help to elicit more willingness and openness in them than what you might have been trying, which might have been coming from a more guarded place that can have a bit of judgement or accusation or disapproval wrapped up in it, which is almost always going to elicit resistance in them. So I think a really good guiding principle is to make it a collaborative proposition rather than a, like, me coaching you, or me teaching you, or me telling you what you should do because I know more than you. That's almost always going to be met with pushback and someone saying like, don't tell me what to do, right, just instinctively. I think again with people with more avoidant patterns, they really want to feel respected, and part of feeling respected is like, you see me as a competent adult, right? And you're not babying me, you're not over functioning, you're not mothering me, you're not coaching me.
[00:19:19]:
I don't want that from you, even though you think you're doing it from a loving place. I feel controlled and I feel patronized and condescended to, even where that's not the intention. So shifting to a more collaborative approach, so maybe if there's a repeated conflict that you keep having, saying something like, I'm really at my wits end and I don't know where we go from here.' I would love for us to find a way to approach this issue that doesn't leave us going around in circles again and again and again, because I know it's tiring for both of us, and neither of us are enjoying this. Do you have any ideas? Right? Open up the conversation in a way that acknowledges, like, we both hate this, this sucks for both of us. I'm not the one with all the answers, I'm not the one trying to tell you what to do, or say that you're the problem and you need to change. Like clearly, there's a problem here that we need to find another way of approaching or another solution to. I've got some ideas, do you have any ideas? I think that that is much more likely to get someone's buy in and opt in than something that's like you telling them, like, you need to go to therapy or why don't you ever want to do blah blah blah blah blah. I'm the one who's doing all the work.
[00:20:30]:
You're not doing any of the work. Like, all of that establishes a a dynamic where you are speaking down to someone even if you don't mean to be. And again, avoiding people in particular are gonna have a big pushback response to that because it's gonna touch into all of those core wounds that we talked about. Not only the wanting to feel successful, and not wanting to feel inadequate, or broken, or bad, but also all of their stuff around independence, and autonomy, and not wanting to feel controlled by a partner. So being really mindful of that, and trying to loop them into a solution, being genuinely flexible and open minded as to what they may think and what they may have to say about a path forward, that's so much more likely to stick and to feel good for both of you than a solution that you're dictating, and they're either flatly refusing to engage with, or maybe they're agreeing in the moment to kind of wrap up the conversation, but they don't actually follow through on because their heart wasn't in it. They didn't believe in it. They didn't agree with it. Okay.
[00:21:31]:
I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, definitely check out the anxious attachment starter kit if all of the things I've been speaking about today resonate. It's a it's a nice next step into my work if you know that this is some stuff that you need to work on but you don't really know where to go with it. But otherwise, I really hope you enjoyed it. Let me know. Leave me a review or a comment on Spotify or YouTube if you're watching there. Let me know if this landed for you. If you have any questions or future episode requests, I'm always happy to receive them. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:06]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment, attachment, insecurity, thriving relationships, relationship work, Healing Anxious Attachment course, partner disinterest, personal development, self-inquiry, communication, avoidant attachment, emotional safety, trust, boundaries, over-functioning, controlling behaviour, relationship patterns, self-awareness, relational harmony, conflict resolution, relational environment, relational dynamics, relationship podcasts, relational growth, self-worth, self-trust, London event, attachment journey, Anxious Attachment Starter Kit, guided meditation.