Anxious–avoidant relationships get a bad reputation. Yes—anxious–avoidant pairings can be chaotic, painful, and deeply triggering. I’ve lived that reality. But I’ve also built a beautiful, secure relationship with my partner, despite my history of anxious attachment and his history of fearful avoidance. We’ve had all the classic friction points, and we’ve had to work for what we have. So no, I don’t think these relationships are doomed—but I am very honest about what they require. And it’s not easy. If an anxious–avoidant relationship is going to go the distance—and become a container for healing rather than harm—there are three essential, non-negotiable ingredients.

This question comes up far more often than you might think, and understandably so. Infidelity cuts deep, and when it happens in the context of fearful-avoidant attachment, it can feel especially confusing and destabilising. In this first Ask Steph episode, I want to offer some grounded reflections on what actually matters when you’re trying to discern whether change is possible—not just in theory, but in reality. Because while I genuinely believe that most people are capable of change, a far more important question is this: Is this person likely to change?