#241: How to Date from Self-Worth
Modern dating can feel… a lot.
Between dating apps, ghosting, endless swiping, and trying to build connection with people you barely know, it’s not exactly an environment that naturally supports emotional safety or security. In many ways, modern dating is inherently attachment-unfriendly.
And if you already have anxious attachment patterns—where you’re sensitive to rejection, uncertainty, and feeling like you have to earn someone’s approval—it can feel like a perfect storm.
But here’s the good news: while you can’t control the dating landscape, you can control how you show up within it.
And that makes all the difference.
This post is all about how to upgrade your dating mindset so you can move from a place of scarcity, pessimism, or defeat… into one of self-worth, clarity, and agency.
Why Dating Feels So Hard (Especially If You’re Anxiously Attached)
Let’s start by naming what’s real: dating today asks a lot of your nervous system.
You’re navigating:
Uncertainty about where you stand
Lack of accountability in early connections
The pressure of constant evaluation
A sense of disposability
And often, a lot of emotional ambiguity
For someone with anxious attachment, these dynamics can amplify fears like:
What if they lose interest?
What if I’m not enough?
What if I do something wrong?
It can start to feel like you’re constantly auditioning to be chosen.
And when your self-worth is already a bit wobbly, it’s easy to slip into a mindset where dating becomes less about connection… and more about validation.
That’s the pattern we want to shift.
1. Get Clear on What You Actually Want
One of the biggest mistakes people make in dating—especially those with anxious attachment—is focusing more on being chosen than on choosing.
But you can’t make aligned decisions if you don’t know what you’re looking for.
So before you get caught up in chemistry or excitement with a specific person, take the time to define:
Your non-negotiables (what must be present)
Your deal breakers (what you’re not available for)
Your core values in a relationship
For example:
A non-negotiable might be wanting a committed, long-term relationship
A deal breaker might be someone who doesn’t want kids if you do
A value might be emotional honesty or the ability to have hard conversations
The key here is timing: make these decisions when you’re clear-headed, not when you’re already attached.
Because once you’re emotionally invested, it’s very easy to start bending your standards to fit the person in front of you.
When you’ve already defined your standards, your job shifts from figuring it out in the moment to simply honouring what you’ve already decided.
2. Stop Participating in Situationships You Don’t Want
Situationships have become a hallmark of modern dating—and a source of frustration for so many people.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth: if you’re in a situationship that isn’t aligned with what you want, at some point, you are participating in it.
That doesn’t mean it’s your fault or that you’ve done anything wrong—but it does mean you have more agency than you might be exercising.
If you want a committed relationship, then part of that standard is being willing to:
Have honest conversations
Clarify expectations
And walk away when something isn’t aligned
The longer you stay in something unclear or inconsistent, the longer you delay the possibility of finding something that is aligned.
Raising your standards isn’t just about knowing what you want—it’s about being willing to act accordingly.
3. Focus on Green Flags, Not Just Red Flags
Spend any time on social media, and you’ll be flooded with content about red flags:
Signs they’re toxic
Signs they’re avoidant
Signs they’re going to hurt you
While some of that content can be helpful, it can also keep you in a hyper-vigilant, anxious state—constantly scanning for danger.
And that energy doesn’t create a great dating experience.
It reinforces the belief that:
People aren’t safe
You can’t trust your judgment
And your job is to avoid getting hurt at all costs
Instead, try shifting your focus to green flags—the qualities you actually want to move towards.
Things like:
Consistency and follow-through
Emotional openness
Clear communication
Balanced effort
A sense of steadiness and mutual investment
This shift matters because it moves you out of fear-based dating and into value-based dating.
You’re no longer asking, “How do I avoid getting hurt?”
You’re asking, “Is this aligned with what I want?”
4. Invest in Your Own Vitality and Wellbeing
Your dating energy doesn’t come from what you say—it comes from how you feel within yourself.
If you’re approaching dating from a place of:
Scarcity
Desperation
Or needing someone to validate your worth
That energy will shape your experience.
Not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because it subtly shifts how you show up:
You might over-accommodate
Avoid expressing your needs
Or prioritize being liked over being authentic
The alternative isn’t becoming someone else—it’s becoming more you.
Focus on nurturing your:
Physical wellbeing
Emotional health
Sense of purpose and fulfillment
Joy, creativity, and connection outside of dating
When you feel grounded, energized, and connected to yourself, something powerful happens:
Dating stops being a test of your worth… and becomes an opportunity to explore connection.
That shift alone can transform everything.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Take a Break
If dating has started to feel draining, repetitive, or even a bit numbing, it might not be a mindset problem—it might be an energy problem.
And sometimes, the most self-respecting thing you can do is step back.
You don’t have to:
Be on the apps every day
Treat dating like a full-time job
Or push through when your heart isn’t in it
Taking a break doesn’t mean you’re falling behind.
It means you’re recalibrating so you can return to dating from a place of:
Intentionality
Openness
And genuine desire
Because the energy you bring into dating matters.
And if you’re approaching it like a chore or an obligation, that will shape your experience just as much as anything else.
Final Thoughts
Upgrading your dating mindset isn’t about becoming perfectly confident or completely unbothered by rejection.
It’s about shifting from:
“Do they like me?” → “Do I like them?”
“How do I keep this?” → “Is this aligned?”
“What do I need to prove?” → “What do I want to experience?”
When you date from self-worth, you don’t lose your desire for connection—you just stop abandoning yourself in the process of pursuing it.
And that’s where dating starts to feel less like a struggle… and more like something that actually works for you.
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[00:00:55]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about dating and how to really upgrade your dating mindset and date from a place of self-worth rather than scarcity or pessimism or defeat. And I do want to acknowledge at the outset that modern dating is really hard. Everything about modern dating, to be honest, is kind of attachment unfriendly, from dating apps and this sense of disposability and all of the that have been normalized, like ghosting, like dating people who are relatively anonymous, the lack of accountability, the fact that we're dating outside of our social circles, people that we don't really know. There's huge potential upside to the whole world of modern dating and dating apps and online dating and all of that in that we can meet people from all different places around the world from different backgrounds and that we can kind of filter people based on common interests, at least in theory. But it is really worth acknowledging that there's a lot about modern dating that really puts a lot of strain on our attachment system and requires a lot of energy from us to kind of manage and to hold our centre throughout the process. So I think that that's true for everyone. And if you've got anxious attachment patterns, which I know most of my listeners do, obviously that's really adding fuel to the fire because much of what is normal in modern dating is particularly activating when you are someone who already has a baseline sensitivity to fears of rejection, people pulling away, not knowing where you stand, uncertainty, people pleasing, approval seeking, like so much of that feeling like we're constantly auditioning and being evaluated is pretty hard when your self-worth is already wobbly and you've got so much invested in wanting a relationship and wanting to be chosen.
[00:02:58]:
It is a bit of a perfect storm. With that being said, I don't think that it's hopeless, and I do believe that there are some things that you can do to really help yourself out, to approach dating from a more steady place, from a more confident place, from a place where you don't feel like you're just begging to be chosen, and you can actually reorient back to a more balanced footing so that you're actually reminding yourself that you're allowed to have standards as well, shifting from just wanting someone's approval to actually assessing alignment, which I think is really what we should be trying to do when we're dating. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. I'm going to be giving you a few tips and shifts that you can make to hopefully reinvigorate or re-energize yourself if you've been dating for a while and it just feels like a bit of a slog. It feels like something that's kind of syphoning your energy and making you feel consistently worse. Hopefully today's episode can give you a bit of a reframe and put you back in a place of empowerment and agency and intentionality insofar as how you approach dating. Because I think that that can make a world of difference. Before we get into today's episode, a quick reminder that I have a bunch of free resources on my website, whether you're dating or in a relationship or going through a breakup.
[00:04:20]:
I've got so much there for you. I've got really extensive blog posts addressing some of the most common questions I get. I've got lots of free downloads, my Anxious Attachment Starter Kit. I've got free trainings that you can register before and come along to. There's really so much there. So if you enjoy the podcast and you're looking to kind of dig in a little deeper to some of the things we talk about here, you can find all of that at stephaniebrigg.com, or I'll link the free resources page in the show notes for anyone who's interested. Okay, so let's talk about dating and how we can really uplevel our dating mindset, the energy that we bring to dating, which I really believe trickles out into the whole experience that we have, and how we can make that as positive as possible, even while recognising that there are certain challenges inherent to the process, particularly in our modern world. Okay, the first and most important one, and if you've been around a while, you might have heard me say this, is get really, really clear on what you are looking for and what you are making yourself available for in terms of a partner and a relationship.
[00:05:22]:
So something that I think a lot of folks do, particularly folks with anxious attachment patterns, who, as I said in the introduction, have this tendency to just want to be chosen and to really soak up someone's attention and have that be like the, the thing that carries the whole relationship, you really need to know what you're looking for. And if you don't, you're going to end up in all sorts of connections and down all sorts of rabbit holes that probably aren't aligned with what you truly want. So ideally do this before there's someone in front of you who you're really excited about and attached to, and you start trying to reverse engineer why they're actually a good fit when maybe they aren't. You're trying to fit square peg into a round hole, really clearly articulate what are my non-negotiables, what are my deal breakers, what am I available for and not available for, what are the values that feel important to me in a potential partner. So to preempt the question I always get around non-negotiables and deal breakers, non-negotiables are the must-haves, things that are really, really important to me, and the deal breakers are the bright lines of the things that I absolutely will not tolerate. So a non-negotiable might be that they are looking for a committed relationship. Relationship, that they are looking for long-term partnership. If you are wanting to have kids, a non-negotiable might be that they are also wanting to have kids.
[00:06:42]:
It might be that you live in the same place because you don't want to do long distance. Those are some of the structural things that you might point to as non-negotiables. You can also have more intangible value-based things as non-negotiables if they're really important to you. For example, it's a non-negotiable that I feel like I can speak honestly and openly to them, or that we can have hard conversations. And deal breakers, which will often be the other side of the coin to non-negotiables, might be something like they live in a different city, or the relationship would be long distance, or they travel a lot for work might be a deal breaker if you know that that's really hard for you and you're not really willing to have that much time apart. The fact that they don't want kids, or they want an open relationship and you don't. Some people have religious or other cultural things as non-negotiables or deal-breakers. So really, it's not about anyone telling you what your deal-breakers or non-negotiables should be.
[00:07:37]:
It's just about you being honest with what am I actually looking for here? What are the necessary ingredients for me to feel good about pursuing this connection, to feel like I'm not compromising in really meaningful, substantive ways on the things that I know I need in order to feel good about the relationship? So set that out for yourself ahead of time before there's someone that you start romanticising and falling for and becoming infatuated with, because it's really easy to start negotiating with our own standards when we're excited about someone and we don't want to let them go. We don't want to walk away because it feels so good. But when we have those standards ahead of time, we aren't relying on our lovestruck brain to actually make decisions or make those evaluations. We're actually just falling back on the standards that we've already set. And so our job becomes enforcement rather than assessment. And I think that that's a really helpful thing. It's sort of like if you are really, really hungry and you haven't got any food prepared, there's every chance that you're going to eat something that is less healthy just because it's there and you're starving. Whereas if you've meal prepped all of your healthy nourishing meals at the beginning of the week, you just have to go to the fridge and get the thing out and heat it up because you've already made the decision and done the work.
[00:08:53]:
That's probably an imperfect analogy, but you get the point, right? When we are being deliberate and clear-headed That's when we want to be really setting these standards for ourselves, making these decisions, and then it's just a matter of following through when we're maybe a bit more wobbly because we're excited about someone. Related to that point is, please do not tolerate situationships or flaky, uncertain connections that leave you feeling anxious if that is not what you want, which I assume it isn't because why would anyone want that? And you know, I've spoken about this recently. I'll link that episode below. So if we want to get out of the cycle of situationships, and I know that situationships are this thing that everyone kind of laments about modern dating, the simple fact of the matter is absolutely no one can force you into that situationship. And if you are persisting in a situationship, it's because you are persisting in a situationship, right? So we actually have to be quicker to exit when we realise that something isn't aligned, isn't what we want. Maybe there's been some misunderstanding, maybe we've avoided hard conversations, and now we find ourselves several months into a connection that isn't going anywhere, or we're not sure where it's going, but we don't want to have the conversation. For as long as we keep swirling around in that, we can't be blaming anyone but ourselves for where we find ourselves. So we actually have to really take ownership.
[00:10:18]:
And this is where, like, holding the standard is so important. And we actually have to be committed enough to what we want that we're not willing to participate in things that aren't that. And that's really how we start to raise the bar for ourselves in terms of what we're making ourselves available for. The next key piece of advice is focus more on green flags than you do on red flags. So if you spend any time on social media, and probably if you're actively dating and interested in self-development, you're going to be getting pushed a lot of content that is quite alarmist and that's warning you about red flags and signs that the person you're dating is toxic and signs of love bombing and how to know if they're actually a covert narcissist and like all of the things. And if that content feels helpful for you, be my guest. But for most people, in my experience, all that does is put you in your anxiety, and it actually keeps you in this alarmist state where you can't help but feel like there are bad actors all around and they are coming to get you, and you have to be on high alert. And it doesn't take a genius to see that that is not a very good energy to be approaching dating, because it's just like your guard is up, you're totally terrified of getting hurt, you don't trust your own judgment, and you're convinced that that your job is basically to make sure that no one hurts you, which presupposes that everyone is trying to hurt you.
[00:11:41]:
So of course, if you're approaching dating in that mindset, you feel stressed and anxious all the time. This is not to say that we just turn a blind eye or are naive about people's behavior, but I think that we can absolutely be discerning without being in fear and stress all the time. And actually, the clearer our standards are and the more grounded we are in our self-worth, it's really, really unlikely that you are going to be a natural match for people who might take advantage of you in those ways. So I think that focusing on green flags being the things that we are looking for in a partner, the positive signs, the things that we want more of and we want to move towards, rather than always scanning for signs that we're about to get hurt or someone's pulling away or actually they're avoidant or, you know, how do I know if they're toxic? None of that is going to lead you towards a healthy connection. I can all but guarantee it. So focus on the green flags and get clear. Again, it's kind of a similar concept to the first one around knowing your standards, but really getting clear around like, what are the qualities that I'm looking for? And green flags might be things like consistency, reliability, follow-through, someone who is open and honest, who I don't feel like there's a lot of withholding going on. They're not being cagey.
[00:13:00]:
We can have hard conversations. We can be vulnerable with each other. There's this overall sense of steadiness about the dynamic. Dynamic. There's a sense of sustained interest and balanced effort. So we're both reaching out in equal measure. I'm not constantly questioning where I stand. Like, these are all really great signs, and those are things to continue investing in and moving towards rather than just going out there, following where your attraction leads you, and then panicking because you're worried you're going to miss a red flag.
[00:13:34]:
That approach is just fundamentally lacking in self-trust and agency, and it's just keep you in your pattern rather than shifting out of it. Okay, the third and final piece of advice that I want to leave you with in terms of changing how you approach dating is really focus on nurturing and nourishing your vitality and your aliveness and your vibrancy, your radiance, all of the things that allow you to feel like the best version of yourself. And take note, I'm not saying you have to have some glow up or you have to try and become someone else. It's not about performing or shape-shifting or how can I make myself more attractive, it's actually, how can I pour into myself such that I naturally become the most attractive and magnetic version of who I already am? Because as uncomfortable as it might be to hear, when we are coming from a place of scarcity and desperation and insecurity, it's actually not a very attractive energy. And I think we all kind of know that because if we were on the other side of it, we would probably move away from energy that was someone who feels really badly about themselves and is always talking themselves down., or is very nervous, who never expresses an opinion because they don't want to rock the boat. Like, that's not attractive energy. We are all, I think, naturally attracted to people who seem confident and centred and authentic and warm and open. These are really beautiful energies and they are naturally attractive.
[00:15:03]:
So do it for yourself and enjoy the bonus that you will attract a different type of person when you are grounded in that energy within yourself. So do whatever you need to do to nourish your sense of well-being. Your sense of thriving in your own life, not just in the context of relationships. So make sure you're keeping up whatever habits, routines, rituals that support you to feel your best. So body, mind, and spirit, it all really matters. And like, of course it does, right? Because when we are feeling like our best selves, when we're behaving and making choices that feel self-honoring, that allow us to feel like we're really respecting ourselves and valuing ourselves, then naturally that is going to flow out into how we show up and move through the world, and we're going to feel much more confident when we're meeting new people. Because even if we don't quite reach the place of total self-love, we're probably going to have a pretty decent foundation of, I'm comfortable with who I am and I like who I am. And so this whole dating thing is not a chance for me to prove myself as being worthy and lovable.
[00:16:09]:
It's actually just to get to know you and see if we might be a fit. And That fundamental shift is so liberating. It allows us to take the whole thing a lot less personally. The stakes don't feel quite so high because dating doesn't feel like this referendum on whether we are good enough, where we're placing all of the power in the hands of some random person that we've met on a dating app. We actually become much more clear on who we are, and we can use dating as an opportunity to explore potential connections to the extent that they feel aligned and life-giving and enhancing rather than this thing that we have to kind of grab onto to fill a void within us, which I think is how a lot of us go about dating without even realising it. Okay, so I hope that that has been helpful, and I just wanted to finish by saying, if you've been doing the dating thing for a while and it's feeling draining and you're feeling like you're getting onto the apps every night while you're lying in bed, but you're doing it in a very almost dissociated way, and your heart's not in it, and it feels like a thing you have to do rather than a thing that you're excited to do— full permission to just take a break. Like, you don't have to do that all the time. And if you're telling yourself that, oh, but I want a partner, and if I'm not on the apps, then like I'm wasting time, or whatever— nothing's going to happen if you step away from dating apps for a month or 3 months or whatever.
[00:17:36]:
Like, take the time you need so that you can come back to it with energy and from that place of like, I am actually doing this because I want to be doing it and because I feel like it's an opportunity that I'm excited about rather than a chore or something that I have to do to keep up. Because again, the energy with which we approach these things is really, really significant and it makes a difference. So I just wanted to give you that little permission slip. If you want to take a break, take a break. Don't do it unless you want to be doing it, because if you're kind of dragging yourself into that, or you're doing it in the same mindless way that you might be doom scrolling social media, it's probably doing more harm than good. So permission to step away from the dating apps for a while if you feel like that's what you need. Okay, gonna leave it there, guys. Hope that this has been helpful.
[00:18:25]:
Thank you as always for your support, and I look forward to seeing you.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
modern dating, attachment styles, dating mindset, self-worth, scarcity mindset, pessimism, defeat, dating apps, disposability, ghosting, online dating, anxious attachment, rejection fears, people pleasing, approval seeking, standards in dating, non-negotiables, deal breakers, dating alignment, green flags, red flags, situationships, flaky connections, anxiety in dating, self-trust, agency, nourishing vitality, self-confidence, intentional dating, relationship values, taking a break from dating apps