#53: I’m anxious, he’s avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?

In this episode, I'm answering the question of "I'm anxious, he's avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?"

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Navigating sexual dynamics in a relationship can be challenging, especially if you and your partner have different attachment styles. In relationships where one person has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant attachment, differences in sexual desire are common—and they're not something to be ashamed of or to interpret as a sign of failure.

Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Often Experience a Libido Mismatch

In anxious-avoidant relationships, it’s typical for the anxious partner to desire more frequent intimacy, including sex. This is a reflection of deeper needs for closeness and reassurance, which are natural for those with anxious attachment. On the other hand, avoidant partners may start the relationship with high sexual intensity but often withdraw as the relationship deepens. This change can trigger worry for the anxious partner, who may misinterpret it as rejection or a sign of waning attraction.

This pattern often looks something like this:

  • Early Relationship Intensity: At the start, both partners feel a strong sexual and emotional connection, with intense chemistry that fuels mutual desire.

  • Avoidant Partner Withdrawal: As the relationship grows more serious, the avoidant partner may feel vulnerable and exposed, which can lead them to pull back both emotionally and sexually.

  • Anxious Partner Reaction: For the anxious partner, this withdrawal can be alarming. They may interpret the avoidant partner’s lowered sexual interest as a lack of attraction or fear that the relationship is slipping away.

Understanding the Emotional Dynamics at Play

For many people with an anxious attachment style, sex goes beyond physical connection—it becomes a way to seek validation and assurance of being wanted. When faced with reduced interest from their partner, anxious individuals might internalise feelings of inadequacy or worry about abandonment. This insecurity can lead them to pursue more physical intimacy to reconnect and ease their fears, which may inadvertently pressure their avoidant partner, causing further withdrawal.

Avoidant partners, who often experience intimacy as a potential threat to their autonomy or emotional safety, can feel overwhelmed by this need for validation. As the anxious partner seeks more closeness, the avoidant partner might retreat further, reinforcing the anxious partner's fear of abandonment. This cycle can become a source of tension and misunderstanding, highlighting the need for both individuals to recognise their triggers and communicate openly.

Practical Steps for Managing This Dynamic

  1. Open the Lines of Communication: It’s essential to have a candid conversation about your sexual needs and what sex means to each of you. This conversation may feel vulnerable, but it’s a crucial step toward mutual understanding.

  2. Depersonalise the Withdrawal: As the anxious partner, try to avoid interpreting your partner’s withdrawal as a reflection of your worth. Recognise that their behaviour may stem from their own attachment style and fears, not a lack of attraction or desire for you.

  3. Check-in with Your Own Needs: Before seeking sex, ask yourself, “Do I truly want to connect sexually, or am I seeking reassurance?” If it’s reassurance you need, there may be other ways to communicate this to your partner without relying solely on sex as a solution.

  4. Practice Self-Compassion: Acknowledge the feelings of rejection or inadequacy that arise without letting them define you. Understanding that these responses are part of your attachment style can help you feel less reactive and more in control.

  5. Seek Balance in Physical Intimacy: Aim to find a level of physical intimacy that feels comfortable and safe for both partners. This might mean exploring other ways to connect physically and emotionally that do not center solely around sex.

Finding Support and Building Secure Sexuality

By recognising these patterns and working with, rather than against, each other’s attachment styles, you can cultivate a relationship that respects and fulfills both of your needs. With awareness, communication, and mutual effort, an anxious-avoidant relationship can become a safe space where both partners feel seen, validated, and desired in ways that foster growth and trust.

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Episode Transcript

0:00:37.36 → 0:01:03.07

Is it weird that I want more sex than him? So this is something that I get asked a lot, and I have touched on this dynamic before on the show, but given the frequency with which I get variations on this question, I think it's important to devote a whole episode to unpacking it. And spoiler alert, it's not weird at all. This dynamic is actually extremely common. I would say more common than not.

0:01:03.19 → 0:01:53.61

So if you are someone in an anxious avoidant relationship and you have noticed a mismatch in Libido that looks like the anxious partner wanting sex a lot more than the avoidant partner does, rest assured, you're not alone. It's actually very, very common. So I'm hoping that in today's episode, I can unpack for you why that's not weird, why it actually makes a lot of sense, and what the drivers are of that dynamic and how you can work with it rather than exacerbating it. Because I think most people, without the knowledge and awareness of what's going on, will personalise this dynamic and act out from a place of hurt and make it a lot worse. And that can be really challenging because we get stuck there.

0:01:53.65 → 0:02:17.73

So that's what we're talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being just another reminder that the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment is open, as at the time of recording, there are over 500 people already on the waitlist, which is amazing for anyone who's new around here, and I know there are a lot of you who are new. Healing anxious attachment is my signature programme. It's an eight week course.

0:02:17.93 → 0:02:50.63

I run it a couple of times a year and being on the waitlist is a no obligation thing. It's just that you'll get notified first when doors open and you'll also access discounted pricing for enrollment, so definitely cheque that out. If you're keen to know more, the link is in the show notes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is my only complaint is there aren't more episodes. I wish I found this podcast earlier, as it would have certainly healed a lot of past hurt a lot quicker.

0:02:50.73 → 0:03:02.18

I've never felt so heard and seen by a podcast. I think there's a lot of solace in knowing I'm not alone with my thoughts and behaviours now. Healing those. Thanks to unattachment. Thank you so much for your beautiful review.

0:03:02.23 → 0:03:40.60

I'm so pleased that you feel so heard and seen by what I share here. I think that, as you say, there is a lot of solace in knowing that you're not alone and that there's another way available to you. So I'm glad that's been your experience. If that was your review, if you could please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. And if you want the chance to have your review read out and to get a freebie if you just leave a review on Apple podcasts unfortunately, it's only Apple podcasts that qualifies, as the other platforms don't allow for reviews.

0:03:40.71 → 0:04:00.12

But if you leave a review on Apple podcasts, I select one at random for each episode with two episodes a week. That means you've got two chances each week to be selected. And for anyone who has left a review whose review I haven't read out, please know that I read every single one of them. And I am so appreciative of you and your support. So thank you.

0:04:00.57 → 0:04:31.09

So let's look at how this usually plays out. Here's what I see time and time and time again. And to be very frank with you, I've experienced it myself, so I get it. At the beginning of an anxious avoidant relationship, you'll usually have a lot of sexual intensity. So you're going to have lots of chemistry, connection, passion, fireworks, hunger, lust, infatuation all of that sense of I can't get enough of you.

0:04:31.24 → 0:05:03.32

And that's kind of in all respects, but particularly sexually. And that feels really good for both people. The anxious person loves the feeling of being wanted and chosen and desired. That's like balm to the soul of the anxious partner. And the avoidant person gets a lot out of that too, because it's fun and they feel wanted and they feel desired and they feel successful, and they get all of the upside of the juiciness of that honeymoon period before their triggers set in.

0:05:03.42 → 0:05:39.81

So on both sides, that initial period is really exhilarating and rewarding. What tends to happen is that as the relationship becomes more serious, that could be anywhere from a month in to six months in to a year in, just depending on the arc of your particular relationship. As things become more serious, as that initial chemical rush tapers off, what will typically happen is the avoidant partner starts to pull away sexually. So they might have less interest in having sex. They might initiate sex less, they might just be less engaged in sex.

0:05:39.94 → 0:06:25.75

They might experience performance anxiety or other performance related challenges sexually. And so there are these really noticeable drop offs in their interest level in sex. And for the anxious partner, that sends the alarm bells ringing big time. Because not only did that initial period of sexual intensity feel really good for the anxious person, but the anxious person has a tendency to make it mean something that the avoidant person doesn't in other words, for the anxious partner, it's like, oh, we have this incredible sexual chemistry. That means that we have an incredible connection, that means that we're meant to be together, that means that I've never felt anything like this before, therefore you're the one.

0:06:25.90 → 0:06:45.93

This is serious, this is it. And that is all very exciting for the anxious person. So they get very attached as a result of that sexual intensity. When that sexual intensity shifts and all of a sudden is a little lacking, the anxious person internalises that and starts to panic, go, what have I done? I've done something wrong.

0:06:45.97 → 0:07:27.93

They're losing interest in me, they must not be attracted to me. Maybe they liked me at the beginning, but then I didn't perform well enough for them sexually and so they're no longer interested in having sex with me for that reason, I didn't do a good enough job. The anxious person's tendency to make everything about their failings and their unworthiness and their not good enoughness, very much bubbles to the surface here. And so the anxious person will typically test. So they'll notice this thing, they'll start to panic in their head and tell themselves the story and then they'll start to try and gather evidence and go, okay, is this just in my head or is it real?

0:07:28.00 → 0:08:19.08

Is this legit? And so what do they do? They'll maybe start to be more flirtatious with their partner or try to initiate sex more, try to seduce them or be more affectionate, try and hug and kiss them, all of those things to gauge the response, to see, are they really pulling away or am I making this up? And the avoidant person, possibly without realising it, receives all of that intensity, anxiety, escalated energy around sex as pressure, and so they're likely to respond to that by withdrawing further, which cements the anxious person's read of the situation as they've lost interest in me sexually. And for the anxious person, it's a very short walk from they've lost interest in me sexually to they're going to leave me, they don't want me anymore, I'm no longer useful to them.

0:08:19.21 → 0:09:24.07

Whatever connection we had is slipping away from me and I feel really out of control and panicked and like I've done something but I don't know what. So, as you can probably imagine, and I'm sure a lot of you listening have experienced this, and as I said, so have I, so I get it. And it's really challenging because as much as we can intellectually understand that that might not be about us, that might be about their intimacy fears, that might be about their inability to combine sex and love without feeling intensely, vulnerable in a way that leads their system to go into shutdown and protective mode as much as we can intellectualise that, it's really still very tender to our wounds, our unworthiness wounds. The part of us that just wants to be wanted and chosen and who feels like they had that and then it got taken away from them through no fault of their own. So don't underestimate how big this is in terms of the emotional imprint of it.

0:09:24.24 → 0:09:58.85

And you'll need to really approach it with a lot of self compassion because it's really easy to personalise it. It's really easy to make it all about you and take it as unequivocal evidence in support of those really painful stories about yourself that you're not good enough that no one's ever going to want you. That when you show yourself to someone, they reject you. That nothing you do is good enough to get someone's attention and keep it. Whatever the stories are, there are a lot of them and this is a vulnerable area where we can really spiral in our self worth.

0:09:59.02 → 0:10:34.95

So to return to the essence of the question, is it weird that I want more sex than him? No, not at all. It's very common because of that trajectory of sexual intensity followed by sexual withdrawal by the avoidant partner. Then the anxious person, when faced with the insecurity that comes with that fallout, wants sex more than ever because sex is equal to validation, sex is equal to reassurance sex, alleviates that fear of rejection or that feeling of rejection that has kind of infected the relationship. So it's actually very common.

0:10:35.02 → 0:11:10.45

And if anything, the more he pulls away, the more you're going to want sex for that reason that you just want the feeling of being wanted. So what do we do with all of this? It might feel overwhelming to hear me share what drives that pattern and how very common it is. And I'm not going to mislead you by saying that it's an easy solution. I think the honest truth would be to say that both people need to have a level of awareness and willingness to be vulnerable about this.

0:11:10.60 → 0:12:42.96

And so, while on the anxious side, you're probably spending a lot of time and energy ruminating over it, you will need a level of buy in from your avoidant partner in finding a way to experience sex together that works for you both, that feels safe and comfortable, that meets both of your needs and that will require you to talk about it. Unfortunately, as much as we all hate talking about sex and having those messy, vulnerable conversations, it's really a necessity in any relationship, but particularly in one where all of this emotional density is present in your sexual dynamic. So as much as possible on the anxious side, depersonalising it will help because it will allow you to show up to those conversations vulnerably without being in this state of panic and stress and accusation and self protection, which will only elicit a similarly reactive and defensive response from your partner. The other final piece that I'll suggest for again the anxious partner in this is cheque in with yourself around sex. When you're wanting sex from your partner when you're feeling like you'd want to initiate sex, just cheque in with yourself on whether you want sex or whether you want to feel wanted.

0:12:43.33 → 0:13:25.92

Because if it's the latter, then what you're really wanting is reassurance or validation that everything's okay. And that might point to a broader unmet need in the relationship, that you can get met in other ways and potentially healthier ways, rather than leaning on sex as an indirect way to get that validation of reassurance. So asking yourself, do I actually want sex right now? Or do I want to feel wanted by my partner? And that will again allow you to just have greater clarity for yourself around what the need is, and in so doing have a much better chance of getting that need met in a way that works for you, for your partner, for the relationship.

0:13:26.53 → 0:14:18.39

So I hope that that has been helpful in unpacking that dynamic that is so very common, giving you a bit of an understanding of why that happens and what drives it and some sense of what you can do and what not to do if you find yourself in that situation and you're needing to tackle it. I should also say I have a master class on my website called Sex and Attachment, which is I think it's about 90 minutes and goes into all of this obviously in a lot more detail. I do also have a module in my Healing Anxious Attachment course around building a secure sexuality. So if you are wanting to go deeper on this topic, I definitely suggest checking either the Sex and Attachment Masterclass, which is Instant access. You can get that on my website or as I said at the start, joining that waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment.

0:14:18.52 → 0:14:50.64

If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to leave a five star rating and a review. As I said, it does really help so much in getting the word out and helping the show continue to grow, but otherwise I look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.

0:14:50.70 --> 0:14:55.48

It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.

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#51 How to Initiate Hard Conversations with an Avoidant Partner

In today's Q&A episode, I'm sharing tips for initiating hard conversations with an avoidant partner. This is a question I get a lot - how to express needs to an avoidant partner, how to set boundaries, how to share feedback. These conversations are already intimidating for many anxiously attached folks, and when combined with the sensitivities of the avoidant partner, can be a perfect storm.

LISTEN: APPLE | SPOTIFY

In today's Q&A episode, I'm sharing tips for initiating hard conversations with an avoidant partner.

This is a question I get a lot - how to express needs to an avoidant partner, how to set boundaries, how to share feedback. These conversations are already intimidating for many anxiously attached folks, and when combined with the sensitivities of the avoidant partner, can be a perfect storm. 

WHAT WE COVER:

  • how to set yourself up for success in initiating hard conversations

  • the importance of a regulated nervous system

  • tips for reaching a mutually beneficial outcome

  • how to cultivate greater safety during conflict & challenging conversations

FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

 

 

You might also like…

 

 

Episode Transcript

0:00:28.17 → 0:01:03.89

Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the community question of how do I initiate hard conversations with my avoidant partner? So this is a question that I get variations on all the time, this question of how do I bring up my needs with an avoidant partner, how do I share how I'm feeling or share feedback with an avoidant partner without scaring them away? And so I know that it's something that a lot of people struggle with, obviously oftentimes more anxious leaning people struggle with.

0:01:04.00 → 0:02:03.11

And I think that that comes from a confluence of factors. It's not only that avoidant leaning partners can be sensitive to criticism and to those conversations and might have resistance to them. But I think we also need to acknowledge that the starting point for more anxious leaning people is really struggling to take up space, to find their voice, to advocate for themselves, to express needs, to express boundaries. So we find this kind of double edged sword of it being already really intimidating a concept for an anxious person, and then sometimes not being met with the response that you might have hoped for from a more avoidant leaning partner. So it can lead to these really negative cycles, these downward spirals in the relationship whereby it quickly devolves into kind of attack, defend, shut down escalation.

0:02:03.29 → 0:02:53.06

And obviously nothing good comes of that kind of dynamic. It becomes very ineffective very quickly and whatever underlying issues or things needed to be talked about tend to just remain unaddressed and fester until the next time that someone gets triggered and it all becomes a bit more amplified and disregulated. And we all know how that story ends. So in this episode, I'm going to be giving you some really practical, straightforward, easy to implement tips on how you can set yourself up for success in initiating and then having hard conversations with a more avoided leaning partner. And I will say at the outset that this is really best practise for initiating a hard conversation with anyone.

0:02:53.67 → 0:03:44.98

It's not just an avoidant thing. But I think we can acknowledge that there can be sensitivity from more avoidant leaning people on having conversations that they anticipate, might be emotionally dense, or might be an opportunity for their partner to criticise them, to blame them, to tell them all the things that they're not doing right, because they do have heightened sensitivity around that. So, as I said, applicable for everyone, but especially helpful if you are a more anxious leaning person in relationship with a more avoidant leaning person. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements you may have heard me earlier in the week, announce that The Waitlist is now open for healing anxious attachment. Probably got about 150 people on the Waitlist in the last couple of days, which is amazing.

0:03:45.43 → 0:04:10.34

If you want to join the Waitlist, the next round of the programme will be opening for enrollment next month and The Waitlist entitles you to a discount and first access. So jump on the waitlist. That's all in the show notes. If you want to cheque out the course when it opens next month, the second quick announcement is just to share the featured review. It's quite a long one, so I'm going to give you a shortened version.

0:04:10.48 → 0:04:33.74

It says, I've been going through a really tough year and I've sampled many relationship podcasts for ideas and advice. When I came across on Attachment, I immediately knew I'd stumbled upon a gem. When I listen, I feel as if Stephanie speaking directly to me, directly to my experience. A recent episode, My ex moved on immediately and I can't help but take it personally, was filled with so much needed insight that I was shocked at how much it applied to my situation. I listened to it twice in a row.

0:04:33.80 → 0:04:43.23

Amazing. Thank you, Stephanie. I look forward to hearing each and every episode as I journey towards healing and self improvement. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it.

0:04:43.32 → 0:05:15.63

If that was your review. If you just send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com, my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into how to initiate hard conversations with an avoidant partner. So I'm going to give you six tips or steps here. But before I do that, I just want to offer you an overarching piece of guidance, let's say, which is it's really, really important that your partner feels that they have choice.

0:05:16.45 → 0:06:15.56

Again, this is not just an avoidant thing, but it's especially important for an avoidant person because when we feel at a nervous system level, like we don't have choice, like we're trapped, like we're stuck, like we're being controlled, we go very quickly into fear and self protection. So throughout all of these, you'll notice that choice is really important and that's a really important thing to bear in mind. What we really want to avoid is any sense of forcing someone, coercing someone into having a conversation that they're not in a position to have. Because as much as that might seem frustrating or unfair to you, you're never going to get what you need. If you are forcing someone to have a conversation against their will because they are already back up against the wall, they're already in a state of disregulation and fear and self protection.

0:06:15.67 → 0:06:46.06

And whatever outcome you're hoping for, which I assume is something connective and growth oriented, is really, really hard to achieve in that state. You can think about it like the gates are already shut once they're in that state of Dysregulation. So we really want to get ourselves set up well for success here and start on the right foot. So with that being said, step one, make sure that you ask for permission when you want to have a hard conversation. Again, this goes for everyone.

0:06:46.11 → 0:07:32.11

This is just really good Practise. So rather than just saying we need to talk, or launching straight into whatever it is you want to say, lead with, hey, do you have time to talk at some point today? There's something that I'd like to chat to you about or there's something I'd like to share or whatever it is right, but saying when suits you to have a chat and waiting for their response, so it might not be right then and right there. And you as a more anxious leaning person may struggle with that because there tends to be, on the anxious side a lot of urgency around whatever is arising in you, whatever emotion is present. It's like it has to be right now and we need to talk about it and we need to fix it immediately or else it's not going to be okay.

0:07:32.18 → 0:08:16.57

Because I'm probably overheating on the inside in this state of high anxiety and panic, and that is a very urgent state. But we need to recognise that coming at someone with that energy of urgency and intensity again, is not going to be a good starting point for conversation. So asking for permission when suits you to have a conversation. And if they say, I'm a little busy at the moment or I'm tired right now, you kind of have to respect that. I'll add that if they just say, oh, I don't know, full stop and don't give you anything back, then you can proceed to set a boundary and say, well, can you please let me know when soothes over the next day or two?

0:08:16.64 → 0:09:06.99

Because this is important to me and you want to have some sort of resolution there. Because I think if it is left open, there's a good chance that you're going to continue to bubble away and escalate your own internal emotional state, which again is going to be detrimental to the conversation when you eventually have it. So get some clarity around when you're going to have the conversation, but also be open to that not being immediately given that that does fall into that category of kind of forcing or coercing someone to have a conversation when it suits you. Okay, the next tip is regulate yourself. So try as much as possible to be kind of relaxed and regulated and calm and grounded and clear all of those good words when you go into this conversation.

0:09:07.09 → 0:09:47.12

Now, that will be hard for a lot of anxious leaning people, particularly if you're nervous about the conversation, particularly if you've had similar conversations in the past that haven't gone terribly well. And so you're kind of subconsciously bracing for conflict or bracing for pushback or defensiveness or whatever else. But just know that if you're in that really constricted state where you are kind of braced, your partner is going to read that before you even open your mouth. Your nervous systems are just going to clock onto each other. And again, it's like your animals in in threat mode when that happens.

0:09:47.22 → 0:10:30.70

And it's really, really hard to have a productive, empathetic, nuanced, you know, multiple perspectives conversation where you can be collaborative and find your way to a mutually agreeable resolution. Really hard to do that when you're both in fear. So try as much as possible to regulate yourself. Maybe that looks like going for a walk or a run before the conversation, doing some other thing that brings your system down to a level of relative regulation, calm, groundedness, so that you're not teetering on the edge at the very outset of the conversation. The next tip is to be both clear and open minded.

0:10:30.81 → 0:11:09.44

Okay? So clear in the sense of I know what I want to share and say I've reflected on that, I've got clarity around what the essence of my concern is. So I'm not just going to go in there and spew out all of this jumbled, highly emotional stream of consciousness stuff that's going to get in the way of what I'm really trying to articulate. So I've taken responsibility for sifting through all of my own stories and emotions and triggers and I've gotten to the heart of what I need to share. So I'm clear around that and at the same time, be open.

0:11:09.57 → 0:11:50.99

Open minded, not overly rigid, not reading off a mental script and needing to get something specific back from them. Because I think that when we go in with that level of expectation and control, then it's really hard for us to be flexible around where the conversation goes. And again, if we're really looking to get to a mutually agreeable outcome, we do need to recognise that we're not the only person in the equation and that we need to have a level of openness and curiosity about the other person's perspective. So be both clear and open minded. Be open to something happening that you've never contemplated before.

0:11:51.06 → 0:12:33.00

I think so many of us go, oh, I know exactly how they're going to respond and I know if I say that, then they'll say that. And maybe that the more you go into it with that expectation, I promise you're just going to get that. You're going to get that back because there's no space for anything different when you are in that really narrow tunnel visioned kind of mindset around these conversations. And again, your nervous system is just conveying so much information to their nervous system that it becomes this self fulfilling prophecy and again, you eliminate the possibility of other outcomes. Okay, the next tip is to keep it to one issue.

0:12:33.13 → 0:13:09.99

I think the tendency with a lot of anxious people is I suppress everything. I don't talk about it, I don't talk about my feelings. And then as soon as I get a window of opportunity, I come out with my long list of complaints that I have been keeping a lid on. And so I might start with, you were late home last night and end up over here with ten different issues. And as much as it feels really important to share those things, and I know that it's hard to ask for the conversation, so once you've done that, it's really tempting to just lay everything on the table.

0:13:10.57 → 0:13:20.79

It feels like an onslaught for the other person. Imagine it. It's like you're sitting there and suddenly there's like 20 arrows flying at you. And what are you going to do? You're going to duck for cover?

0:13:20.91 → 0:13:41.90

You're going to get defensive and protective because that's a lot to receive. So try and keep it to one issue. Remind your sister, this isn't the last conversation I ever get to have with this person. Again, when we're in fear, it all becomes very global and extreme. I've got to talk about it now because it feels extremely important and urgent.

0:13:42.04 → 0:14:34.08

Just keep it to one issue, I promise you'll, at least then have a much better shot at getting that one issue resolved. Whereas if you start to bring in the shopping list of all of the other things, then there's a really good chance none of it will get resolved and you'll be more disconnected as a result. The next tip is to be prepared to take a break if needed. This is really standard advice I give to everyone when we're talking about conflict and relationships, but it's particularly important for anxious avoidant couples if you get dysregulated, meaning if one or both of you is starting to exhibit signs of a stress response and it's getting in the way of your conversation being productive, take a break. There's no use in proceeding and trying to push through that because you are just pushing yourselves into a more heightened emotional state.

0:14:34.13 → 0:14:52.20

And again, nothing good comes of it. You're not going to get the outcome that you want from that place. So be prepared to take a break, to slow down, to pause, to take space from each other. Let's take 20 minutes to cool down and then come back to the conversation. So be prepared to do that.

0:14:52.25 → 0:15:13.48

Again, for the anxious person, that's hard because you feel like they're running away from the conversation. You feel like they're trying to kind of emotionally abandon you is often the feeling that when you're really upset, they want to pull away and withdraw. So please know that them needing to do that is about regulating themselves. It's actually not about you. They're not running away from you.

0:15:13.50 → 0:15:54.95

They're sort of retreating to their safe place. And as frustrating as that is, it's actually in the best interest of the relationship and the conversation. So be prepared to take a break if needed, obviously with the intention of returning to the conversation when the heat has come down a little. And the last tip is just to appreciate and acknowledge their willingness to be uncomfortable. So if you do have this conversation and you manage to kind of get to a resolution, get to an end point, really express your appreciation, say, I know that these conversations are hard for you, so I really appreciate you sticking it out, and you being willing to talk through this stuff with me because it means a lot to me, and I really, really appreciate it.

0:15:55.04 → 0:16:29.06

And that kind of acknowledgement will be meaningful and it's really validating. So I think that that's a good thing to do, to show them that you see that and that you're appreciative rather than, again, just coming out of the whole time if you're trying to run away or you're not. Listening to me or all of these things that again will be reinforcing on their side, that these conversations are bad and unsafe and should be avoided at all costs. We want to rewrite that story for both of your sakes. We want to have these experiences of actually hard conversations.

0:16:29.12 → 0:17:07.83

Yeah, they might be uncomfortable, but we can do uncomfortable. We can create safety in that discomfort and create new possibilities for our relationship. So I hope that that's been helpful. Obviously, that's far from being an exhaustive list, we could very easily have several episodes on having hard conversations and conflict strategy and tips around that in an anxious, avoidant dynamic. But I think if you were to implement those six tips, you'll really be in a much better position than just going in with all of the urgency and intensity and stress and attack kind of mode.

0:17:07.93 → 0:17:30.01

You've got a much better shot at having a productive, connective, you know, growth oriented conversation where you're actually able to hear each other and find a solution. So I hope that that's been helpful. I hope that you've learned something. If you enjoyed this episode, as always, super appreciative. If you can leave a five star rating or a review, it really does help so much, but otherwise I will see you again next week.

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