#63 How to deal with an all-consuming fear that my partner will cheat on me?
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of how to navigate an all-consuming fear & paranoia around a partner cheating - particularly in circumstances where that fear is seemingly unwarranted.
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of how to navigate an all-consuming fear & paranoia around a partner cheating - particularly in circumstances where that fear is seemingly unwarranted.
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of nervous system regulation when we experience intense fear & paranoia
when to talk to a partner about our fears
the link between fear of cheating and low self-worth
a liberating truth about control in relationships
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.41 → 0:00:38.24
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's Q and A episode is all about navigating paranoia about a partner cheating.
0:00:38.38 → 0:01:30.26
So the specific question that I'm answering is one that I got on Instagram and it was how do I navigate paranoia and all consuming fear of cheating, even when there's no warranted situation at hand? So if you are someone who really struggles with the fear of infidelity and all of the associated behaviours that can spring from that paranoia overthinking control. Playing detective, maybe snooping, struggling to trust your partner, really struggling with any sort of distance between you, because you tend to fill in the blanks and assume that the moment they're out of sight, they're going to be doing something in breach of the agreements of your relationship. All of these things can flow from that paranoia about a partner cheating. And so if that's something that you experience at the moment or you have in the past, you know that that's something you struggle with.
0:01:30.39 → 0:02:21.17
Today's episode should be really helpful for you in understanding that piece of you a little more. I think that for me to say that I can solve that for you in a 15 minutes episode would be misleading because there's usually a lot of stuff wrapped up in it. But I suppose the way I frame it is probably as you do the broader work of healing and becoming more secure in yourself, of building your self worth then your fear around things like infidelity and the paranoia and the need to control will probably organically soften because as we'll talk about that stuff usually springs from extremely low self worth and low self esteem and the associated fears that can come with that. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
0:02:21.33 → 0:02:41.51
Today is the last day to join this round of healing anxious attachment. At the time of recording, we have just over 300 people who've signed up in the last couple of weeks. So it's really, really amazing. I'm so excited for all of those people who've already dived in. So when you sign up, you get instant access to the first module and then each module after that will be released weekly from your start date.
0:02:41.60 → 0:03:20.24
So it's an eight module course, an eight week course, although you do get lifetime access to all of the materials. You also get to come to two live Q and A calls with me. That might sound a little weird given I just told you there's 300 people who've signed up, but in the past we've not had more than 30ish people on a call. The reality is most people don't turn up live. So if it's anything like previous cohorts, which were of a similar size, you do still get access to me and have the opportunity to ask me a question and have me directly speak to your situation and give you some individual coaching within that group forum.
0:03:20.35 → 0:03:52.39
So, as I said, today is the last day to join. There is an extended payment plan so you can get started for as little as $97 on a six month payment plan. The link to that is in the show notes, and I probably won't be running the course until the latter half of the year. I haven't set a date for that yet, but if it's something that you've been considering, I do really encourage you to cheque it out and sign up because there is no time like the present to get started on this work. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I really love this one.
0:03:52.54 → 0:04:08.74
Stephanie's teaching on attachment and relationships has settled deep in my heart. She brings a beautiful mix of knowledge, wisdom, experience, compassion and forthrightness that speaks the truth in a loving but firm manner. I highly recommend all of her podcasts. Thank you for that beautiful review. As I said, I really loved that one when I read it.
0:04:08.84 → 0:04:44.09
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephaniereg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around paranoia, jealousy, all consuming fear about a partner cheating. Now, you might recall that in the original question that someone asked, they said, it's an unwarranted fear. There's nothing currently happening that would justify this fear of mine. And I think that that's an important qualifier at the outset.
0:04:44.11 → 0:05:27.09
And I'm always minded to offer this caveat, because oftentimes I hear from people who really struggle with jealousy and they blame themselves for that. They say, what's wrong with me? I'm so paranoid, I'm so crazy, I'm so jealous. And then they tell me a little more about the situation, and my response is, well, of course you feel that way, because there are things going on there that would make anyone feel crazy and paranoid and jealous. So I think that that's an important footnote to this discussion at the outset is that when we're talking about paranoia, trust issues, jealousy, we want to make sure that we're not almost like gaslighting ourselves or making ourselves out.
0:05:27.13 → 0:06:01.59
To be the crazy one, the unhinged one, the unstable one, when there are things that are sort of patently not okay or would not be okay. For the vast majority of people in monogamous relationships or non monogamous relationships where there are clear boundaries that are being crossed. So that might be true in the current sense, but also if there has been previous infidelity within the relationship. Again, give yourself some grace because that's not something that's easy to just get over and draw a line under. The past is in the past, and I'm not going to have those feelings come up again.
0:06:01.68 → 0:06:39.18
That's a very normal and understandable way to respond to betrayal infidelity some sort of breach of trust. And even if that wasn't in the current relationship, if that has been in your past, then your body remembers that and your protective mechanisms, your protective parts, their whole job is to look out for similarities of things that happened in your past that were painful or frightening and try to protect you against that. So if there's anything that looks even vaguely similar to something that happened in the past, you're going to get the alarm bells ringing. That's how your system works. Okay?
0:06:39.55 → 0:07:25.33
So let's just be somewhat kind to ourselves around what we're bringing to relationships in terms of what might have happened in our past that would justify us feeling a certain way. With all of that being said, I think we can acknowledge and agree that there are circumstances where our reaction, our response doesn't match what's really happening. And that can feel extremely frustrating and scary and destabilising. And we can feel like we're almost possessed by this demonic part that is behaving in a way. It's almost like we can watch ourselves in slow motion and go, I'm being a bit crazy here, but I feel powerless to stop it because I'm so scared, I'm so panicked about this.
0:07:25.50 → 0:08:02.93
And so I think a really good starting point if you listened to the episode earlier in the week with Sarah Baldwin on Understanding your Nervous system, I think the more literacy you have around your nervous system, the better equipped you will be to navigate things like all consuming fear, paranoia. And what you'll probably notice is a very sympathetic response to that, meaning a lot of activation, energy mobilisation, I have to do something, right? This sense of probably being really flooded with energy, heat, tingling, I've got to do something. I've got to find information. I've got to call them.
0:08:02.97 → 0:08:50.53
I've got to cheque on them, I've got to stalk them, whatever I've got to do. But it's like your body is propelling you into action to try and deal with this perceived threat. The more that you can locate yourself and your current experience in the states of your nervous system, the better equipped you will be to regulate and then go, okay, what's really happening here? Can I put on my clear glasses and see this situation for what it is, rather than looking at everything that's going on through this lens of extreme fear and dysregulation? So in summary, whenever you notice this and this might be something that happens acutely, so in certain situations, you have sudden bouts of paranoia, or maybe it's something that's kind of chronic.
0:08:50.61 → 0:09:46.85
But either way, when you notice that coming up prioritising regulation in your body. So maybe that's going for a run, maybe that's calling a friend, whatever you need to do to bring your body back into a level of regulation that's going to be a really responsible, I would say, first step in managing these emotions. I think that there is definitely scope to talk to a partner about this right now, depending on the state of your relationship, depending on how your communication is, depending on your partner's capacity. But I don't think it's something that you have to internalise and feel shame about and feel really alone in that experience. So if it's totally unwarranted and your partner has never done anything to your knowledge to breach trust, then you can say to them, I know that this is going to sound crazy, and I really want you to understand.
0:09:46.97 → 0:10:33.39
That this is not an accusation and it's not something that I'm saying you've done wrong. But I'm having these thoughts and feelings, and it's causing me a lot of stress. Having that awareness for yourself, what stories am I telling myself and where is that coming from and what do I need in order to feel safe in this? Letting your partner into the experience a bit can be quite relieving, but we just want to make sure that we're not doing it in a way that is dumping it on them and then making it their responsibility to reassure us and convince us that everything is okay. Because if we become reliant on them to create that safety for us, we're going to need just regular doses of reassurance from them in order to feel safe.
0:10:33.44 → 0:11:12.60
And if you're really anxiously attached, which I assume the person who is asking this question is that will never be enough. No amount of reassurance from them will be enough because it's just not actually meeting the need, right. If anything, it's perpetuating the pattern of I'm only safe if you convince me that I'm safe, rather than being able to create that for myself. So as I alluded to at the start, I think the bigger picture work on this. If we think about regulating our nervous system and having a conversation with our partner around what we're feeling and what we might need from them, or things that might help relationally.
0:11:12.63 → 0:11:48.81
If those are the two shorter term practical points to help you with this, the bigger picture solution is going to be building up your self worth. Because fear about a partner cheating or jealousy about a partner's exes anything like this is just a symptom of really low self worth, right? We're convinced that the second we turn our back, our partner is going to go find someone better than us that they like more, that they're more attracted to, that they want more. And that is terrifying, right? But it is just a symptom of I think that I am unworthy.
0:11:48.89 → 0:12:14.05
I think that I am not good enough. I think that I have very little to offer. I'm not attractive enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not compelling enough as a partner and therefore I'm holding on to you by a thread. It feels like there's nothing substantive keeping you here and in relationship with me. I am convinced that you're going to leave me the first chance you get.
0:12:14.17 → 0:12:43.16
And so I'm extremely paranoid about you cheating on me. That is a low self worth story. That is a story that only takes root when we feel like we have nothing to offer, like we have no value to our partner. And while again there might be aspects of that that we can deal with relationally, the vast majority of that is your work. And that's not meant to lay blame on you.
0:12:43.18 → 0:13:14.60
It's meant to empower you to go wow, okay, this is an inside job, I've got some work to do. Where did I learn that I have to prove my worth and that I have to be perfect in order to be lovable and that I have to control someone and keep them so close because the second I let go, they're going to leave me. If I release my grip on them, they're going to run and find someone that they actually love. Where did I learn that? Where's that coming from in me?
0:13:14.73 → 0:13:43.55
What part of me needs comfort and reassurance and soothing that I can offer in order to change that story? And again, this is longer term work, right? This is the work of reprogramming our core wounds. But I think that I alluded to this last week in a different context on what to do when you're feeling stuck in your relationship. But the more that you can turn focus back onto yourself because paranoia about a partner cheating is so other focused, right?
0:13:43.59 → 0:14:12.08
That's a beautiful expression of the anxious attachment tendency to be obsessed with what our partner is doing and needing to control that in order to feel okay within ourselves. So the more that we can interrupt that expression of the pattern and instead go okay, what do I need? How can I stand on my own 2ft and be less hyper focused on what my partner is doing, right? And actually turn attention inward? And what do I need and what do I want to do?
0:14:12.12 → 0:14:47.52
And how can I make my life really full and rich and rewarding without that being tethered to the ups and downs of my relationship or whatever my partner might be doing or not doing? The last thing that I want to offer here. And this is a little bit more philosophical and for some people this will be very triggering, for others it will be very liberating. So just bear that in mind and if it doesn't work for you, leave it. The radical truth is that you cannot control your partner and if your partner wants to cheat on you, they will cheat on you.
0:14:47.59 → 0:15:34.00
Irrespective of whether you are on them like a hawk, they'll find a way. So put differently, no amount of control or manipulation or detective work or monitoring is going to be able to keep someone where they don't want to be. So in acknowledgment of that can we release the grip and trust? Right? Because we've either got a relationship that has no trust that is governed by control and monitoring and detective work and grip and clinging and fear and paranoia and all of these really heavy exhausting dynamics and even in that dynamic your partner could still cheat on you.
0:15:34.10 → 0:16:01.92
Your partner could leave you tomorrow, right? We can never control that. That's part of the intense vulnerability of relationships is that we cannot stop ourselves from getting hurt no matter how hard we try. So we could try, we could be on that hamster wheel of control and seeking to control and preempt and try and avoid the worst happening even though we ultimately can't. Or we could let go.
0:16:02.45 → 0:16:53.24
We could trust, we could create space, we could be with the discomfort of distance and uncertainty and not knowing and not being able to guarantee that your partner won't cheat on you because none of us can. And instead focus on building our self worth and building our resilience, building our capacity to experience discomfort and building the self trust of knowing that even if the worst happens, I will be okay. Because I have reallocated that energy that I was obsessing over what someone else is doing and instead directed that towards cultivating a stronger relationship with myself so that I learn to be my own anchor. I learn to be okay. And that is not to say that we're kind of tacitly or indirectly endorsing cheating or infidelity or mistrust or anything like that, right?
0:16:53.34 → 0:17:45.20
It's more to acknowledge that the control tactics don't actually work. If anything, they can probably sabotage a relationship by pushing someone away because none of us like to feel controlled, none of us like to feel like someone doesn't trust us. That really erodes emotional safety and intimacy. So put that way and of course easier said than done but that is part of the intense vulnerability of being in relationship and this work is wow, I don't own this person and I can't control what they're doing and I don't know what goes on in their head. So can I radically accept that and surrender into it rather than banging my head up against a wall and causing myself so much stress and tension and fear and anxiety in the process?
0:17:45.73 → 0:18:11.21
Okay, so I hope that that has given you something to think about. As I said, it's not one that I can give you a three step plan and then voila, it will be solved within a couple of days. It is really a symptom of the broader experience of anxious attachment of low self worth. It springs from that. It really does take root in that soil.
0:18:11.39 → 0:18:27.02
And that's okay, right? It's not something to shame ourselves about. It makes perfect sense. And you are so far from being alone in this experience. I've experienced this for sure, but I've also experienced the version where I've made peace with not being able to control someone.
0:18:27.07 → 0:19:11.24
And I can assure you that there's a lot of relief in that, even though it can feel vulnerable at times. So I hope that that's been helpful for the person who asked the question and anyone else listening, who struggles with paranoia, struggling to trust betrayal infidelity all of those fears, which are, as I said, very understandable and very common. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a five star rating or a written review. If you're listening on Apple podcasts, it really does help so much. And a final reminder that if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're ready to make a change, today is the last day to sign up for my Healing Anxious Attachment programme.
0:19:11.37 → 0:19:19.44
The link is in the show notes and I would love to see you there. Thank you so much for joining me, everybody, and I will see you again next week. Take care.
0:19:21.57 → 0:19:43.62
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
#61 I'm feeling stuck in my relationship and don't know what to do.
In this Q&A episode, I'm speaking to the common conundrum of what to do when you're feeling stuck in your relationship. This often happens when we've been trying for some time to make changes (or hoping that our partner will make changes), but we're just not seeing any progress. I'll share an unexpected way that you can shift out of low self-worth and hopelessness, and into a more empowered, self-confident state that will allow you to navigate whatever is happening in your relationship with clarity & trust.
In this Q&A episode, I'm speaking to the common conundrum of what to do when you're feeling stuck in your relationship.
This often happens when we've been trying for some time to make changes (or hoping that our partner will make changes), but we're just not seeing any progress. I'll share an unexpected way that you can shift out of low self-worth and hopelessness, and into a more empowered, self-confident state that will allow you to navigate whatever is happening in your relationship with clarity & trust.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.90 → 0:00:39.36
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q and A episode and I'm going to be talking about what to do when you're feeling stuck in your relationship.
0:00:39.54 → 0:01:19.26
So this isn't in response to any one question, but it's in response to a lot of questions that are a variation on this theme that I get all the time from people. How do I know whether to keep trying in my relationship? What do I do if my partner is not interested in working through things? What are my options and how do I overcome this feeling of overwhelm and maybe even hopelessness? If you feel like there are issues in your relationship that are unresolved and you maybe feel like you're out of options, or you feel like you've tried lots of things, or you kind of just feel like you're banging.
0:01:19.29 → 0:01:53.68
Your head up against a brick wall trying to get something to change, trying to get your partner to be more engaged maybe your voice needs. But you're not getting any traction or any kind of lasting, sustained change in the right direction. What we can do. And of course, that's a complicated conversation and it's not one that I can give you in a 15 minutes episode. It's not that I can give you the solution for every situation, but this is going to be particularly geared towards anxiously attached people.
0:01:54.53 → 0:02:26.21
And it's going to offer you almost an invitation or a challenge for you that will allow you to at least take some action for yourself that feels fruitful and rewarding irrespective of what's going on in your relationship. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I get into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that early bird enrollment for healing anxious attachment closes tomorrow. So that means you've got just over 24 hours to get in at the reduced price, which is $100 cheaper than the regular price.
0:02:26.30 → 0:03:08.67
I've also just added an extended payment plan which allows you to pay for the course over six months and means that you can get started right away for just $80, so hoping that that makes it accessible for as many people as possible. And as I said, the early bird pricing ends tomorrow, so in about 24 hours from when this goes live. So if you are interested in the programme, please do cheque it out via the link in the show notes or by going straight to my website. Stephanierig.com, I would love to have you in the programme. I think at last count, there's 210 or so people who've already signed up in the past few days, which is amazing.
0:03:08.76 → 0:03:31.38
So I'd love to have you in there. If you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're looking to make some changes and get that support, you know where to find me. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is stephanie's podcast has been a true revelation for me. I've had so many AHA moments I've lost count. Stephanie delivers her knowledge and wisdom with such clarity, kindness and compassion.
0:03:31.49 → 0:03:41.28
Listening to her feels like a soft hug every time. I'm so grateful to have discovered her in this podcast. Thank you. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it.
0:03:41.33 → 0:04:11.13
And I'm glad that you have the experience of feeling like you're getting a soft hug every time you listen. That's really nice to hear. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this discussion around what to do when you're feeling stuck in your relationship. So, as I said in the intro, this can encompass so many different things, right?
0:04:11.17 → 0:04:50.06
The content of the stuckness could be a vast array of situations and dynamics. But the common thread here that we're looking for is a sense of feeling. Like you've tried, feeling like you've expressed yourself, like you've asked for things, like you've had these conversations maybe several times, and you're just not seeing any kind of momentum or shifts relationally between you and your partner and you're feeling overwhelmed by that. And maybe to the point of questioning, is this ever going to get better? What more can I do?
0:04:50.51 → 0:05:23.57
And if it doesn't get better, how long do I wait to find out? And should I think about potentially ending this relationship? So this is a big conversation. Obviously it's pretty loaded and it's pretty heavy sometimes to be toying with those thoughts and emotions. And while I can't offer you, as I said, the answer in any kind of prescriptive way, because obviously it's deeply personal and contextual, my invitation for you or my challenge for you, if you are in this situation, is this.
0:05:23.64 → 0:05:58.84
And as I said, this is mainly for anxiously attached people for the next period of time. So maybe one month or three months. Become so focused on yourself. Now, that might be counterintuitive if you are relationally in this sticky, yucky place. And it's taking up so much of your time and energy thinking about the relationship, thinking about your partner, what they're doing or not doing, and being so scrutinising of their every move and looking at it through this lens of, is this in the right direction?
0:05:58.90 → 0:06:12.99
Are you taking action on the things that I wanted? Or are you ignoring my needs or whatever? We get so judgmental when we're in that place. I don't mean judgmental. I sort of mean that descriptively, right?
0:06:13.03 → 0:06:51.55
We are applying a lens of scrutiny to whatever's going on in our relationship when the stakes feel really high and when we're feeling really stuck because we start to look at everything through this lens of should I stay or go? Is this going to get better? It really infuses the relationship with a lot of tension and pressure. The reason that I said this is mainly advice for an anxiously attached person is not because it's not good advice generally. But I think when we overlay anxious attachment onto that sticky place, the tendency for an anxiously attached person is to just be so focused on the relationship and on the other person to the exclusion of all else and certainly to the exclusion of your own relationship with yourself.
0:06:51.70 → 0:07:48.11
And when things are not good in the relationship, that tends to really drag down your energy and your self esteem and your self worth. And that makes it really hard to be in a position to make a decision about the relationship, about what needs to happen next from an empowered place, because we tend to have this tussle between I'm not sure what to do about my relationship, but at the same time, my self worth is just getting chipped away at day by day. And that leaves me feeling really scarce and afraid about the idea of the relationship not working out. And so I'm likely to be making decisions and even having conversations from this place of very low self worth and that's probably not going to be conducive to making an aligned decision, which is really what is best for us. So again, this is not with a view to needing to end the relationship, but I really believe that the greatest gift you can give yourself is go.
0:07:48.15 → 0:08:41.31
Okay, I'm going to pivot my attention away from what's happening out there because as I said, anxious attachment, we tend to be very other focused, very outer focused, spending so much time ruminating over what they're thinking and feeling and doing that we lose ourselves in the process. And I think that it can be incredibly empowering in this situation to go, you know what, this is going to be about me for the next period of time. I'm going to focus on my own joy and my own fullness and my own expressiveness for myself, not as some sort of ploy to get their attention, not to make them feel threatened, not to manipulate them into not taking you for granted. It's not about them and that's really, really important here. This is about you.
0:08:41.35 → 0:09:07.90
And that is actually like the revolutionary thing for an anxious person. You're going to do things for you that are just about you that don't relate to the other person. So what does this look like? You might prioritise yourself a lot more in terms of what you do in a day. If you live with your partner and you're used to orbiting around their routine and their preferences and the things they want to eat and the things they want to do.
0:09:08.35 → 0:09:27.04
Just let go of that for a bit and go what do I want? What do I want to do with my time? Can I do things differently for myself? Can I take myself out for a meal? Can I start just spending more time alone and prioritising myself and my self?
0:09:27.09 → 0:10:01.98
Nourishment. In a way that infuses a new energy not only into me but into the relationship that really is a byproduct of it. And I've said this before on the podcast, but the really wonderful thing about doing something like this, about devoting that time to yourself in a really committed, dedicated way, is not only do you build up that relationship with yourself in a way that's probably quite new to you and very empowering and pays dividends for your self worth. But it also allows you to feel like no matter what happens, I'll be okay. Right?
0:10:02.11 → 0:11:13.07
No matter what happens in my relationship, whether my partner is able to meet my needs or meet me halfway or make the changes that we've talked about or whatever it is, right? Whether that happens or not doesn't have to be a comment on me and my worth and I can really rest in the knowing that it's not about me and I don't need to make it about me and I can kind of feel comfortable that no matter what happens I'll be okay. Because I've started to cultivate this really beautiful relationship with myself in a way that allows me to feel like I'll be okay because I'm creating a rich life that doesn't just orbit around my partner and my relationship. And I think that when we are in that pattern of orbiting around our partner and our relationship, the idea of that being taken away is incredibly destabilising and makes us feel like we'd just be spinning around in space, very lost and afraid. So the more that you can come back to your own centre of gravity and make your life more about you, that's going to be a very very powerful shift for you that you'd be surprised will likely have knock on effects for your relationship.
0:11:13.19 → 0:11:59.76
Although again, to emphasise you're not doing it for that purpose, you are doing it for you first and foremost. But I think the ripple effect of that in shifting relational stuckness can be really profound and even if it doesn't, you will be in such a better position to do whatever you need to do next from this place of greater selfhood, greater self knowing, greater self awareness, greater self esteem, all of those good things. The more you build up that sense of self and relationship with yourself, the better off you will be. So that may not be what you expected by way of advice when you started listening to what to do when you're feeling stuck in your relationship. Because as I said, the default thing as an anxious person is, how can I make them change?
0:11:59.89 → 0:12:26.34
Right? Oh, I'm feeling stuck because of all these things they're doing or not doing. How can I control them, essentially? How can I influence them to do what I want them to do so that I don't feel like this anymore? But as I said to someone the other day who asked me a version of this question, for me to give you that advice is just to reinforce the pattern that's to reinforce the old way that we're trying to shake, which is, I need to change them in order to feel safe.
0:12:26.40 → 0:12:56.13
I need to be in control of who they are and how they are. And that needs to look like what I want it to look like, because otherwise I feel out of control, and out of control feels unsafe. But that's not sustainable. That's not a sustainable or healthy way to be in relationship. And so the better way is, can I build up my own sense of self and trust that from that place I'll be much better able to navigate a relational dynamic that is balanced, that is reciprocal, and that is empowered.
0:12:56.47 → 0:13:27.88
So I hope that that has given you some food for thought, and if you're in that place that maybe you can set yourself this challenge of, okay, for the next month, I'm going to go all in on myself. I'm going to be so devoted to me and my life and making that very beautiful and rich and full in a way that isn't contingent upon what my relationship is doing. And even if it's just a month, just do it as a little experiment with yourself and see what happens. See what shifts within you. See what becomes possible from that place.
0:13:28.06 → 0:13:46.14
I'd love to hear from you. If you do do that and you notice anything, feel free to reach out to me and let me know. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a five star rating if you're on Spotify or a written review if you're on Apple podcasts. It really does help so much. And as I said, healing, anxious attachment.
0:13:46.28 → 0:14:00.44
24 ish hours to go until early bird ends. So if you've been on the fence, now is a really good time to hop off the fence and hop inside. I'd love to see you there. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you on the show next week. Thanks, guys.
0:14:02.09 → 0:14:24.14
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.