#67 Why Healthy Relationships Can Feel Boring
In today's episode, I'm answering the question of why healthy relationships can feel boring - especially if you're someone who's accustomed to drama and chaos in your love life.
In today's episode, I'm answering the question of why healthy relationships can feel boring - especially if you're someone who's accustomed to drama and chaos in your love life.
WHAT WE COVER:
why unhealthy relationships are so addictive
the principle of intermittent reinforcement
how to navigate discomfort around stable relationships
how to get your needs for novelty & excitement met in a healthy way without sabotaging your relationship
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
0:00:00.41 → 0:00:41.76
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge, and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am going to be answering the question of why healthy relationships can sometimes feel boring, particularly if you've not had many healthy relationships.
0:00:41.79 → 0:01:20.04
And so you're coming into maybe your first ever healthy, stable, secure relationship after a string of really dysfunctional, turbulent, unhealthy relationships. This is something that a lot of people experience. There can be this almost unsettling discomfort of being in a relationship where there's no drama and chaos. And we can either feel that as a form of low level anxiety or maybe a loss of attraction or kind of disinterest in our partner because they're so stable and reliable and available to us and we're used to chasing someone who isn't. So there's lots to unpack there, and I'm going to be talking about that today.
0:01:20.65 → 0:02:07.34
Why unhealthy relationships can be so addictive. Even though it's ostensibly the opposite of what we say we want, there's something within us that chases that drama and that inconsistency, and that unpredictability. And what you can do if you do find yourself kind of uncomfortable with a healthy, stable relationship, rather than just pulling away or sabotaging it because it feels unfamiliar to you, I'm going to be offering some tips for you to hopefully get through those growing pains so that you can continue with and maybe not let go of the healthy relationship that you've worked so hard to find. That's what I'm going to be talking about today before I dive into that. Just sharing the featured review for this episode, which is I'm so thankful my friend sent me this podcast.
0:02:07.40 → 0:02:19.35
It's so nice to be more aware of why you feel and react to certain people and situations. Thank you so much for sharing all of this information. I'm forever grateful. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it.
0:02:19.42 → 0:03:12.57
If that was your review, you can send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com, and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around why healthy relationships might feel boring. And I think that the best starting point for explaining this is to flip it around and go, why are unhealthy relationships sometimes so addictive? This is something that a lot of people will relate to. And certainly for a period of time, I found myself very much in that hamster wheel of chasing someone who was very inconsistent, very unreliable, very unavailable, and yet there was something extremely addictive about continuing to try and seek and chase.
0:03:13.39 → 0:04:08.36
And I think that a really important concept to understand in this is the concept of intermittent reinforcement. I've probably spoken about this once or twice on the show before, but for anyone who's not familiar with the term intermittent reinforcement, this comes from behavioural science, behavioural psychology, and it's basically a premise behind gambling machines, all sorts. Of addictive patterns, which is if you do not know when you are going to get rewarded, you will keep trying and trying and trying to do the thing that might elicit the reward because you never know when you're going to get it. Whereas if you know that every fifth time you do the thing, that's when you'll get your reward and that's very stable and predictable or even every one time you do it, then eventually you kind of get bored of trying. Whereas when you don't know and there's this level of unpredictability, you keep trying and trying.
0:04:08.41 → 0:04:42.83
That's why people spend all of their money on slot machines is because the next spin could be the one that I win. It's completely unpredictable. So I'll just go one more, one more, one more. It absolutely capitalises on our dopamine system which is all about pursuit and the pursuit of more of this thing that could be rewarding. So as applied to relationships, and particularly inconsistent relationships, we can see why chasing after someone who gives us intermittent reward and intermittent reinforcement becomes so addictive.
0:04:42.96 → 0:05:36.83
And most of the time when we're in an unhealthy relationship, it is not unhealthy and bad. 100% of the time there will be times and moments where this person shows up and you are connected and you do feel good and you laugh together or you are intimate or whatever, something that feels rewarding about that dynamic. But then all of a sudden it'll be gone and they'll be angry or you'll be fighting or whatever. But there's this sense of I don't know when the reward is going to come and sometimes when I behave in this way it works and other times it doesn't. And so I'll just keep trying and trying and trying and trying and because that is so dopamine fueled and it's so addictive that intermittent reinforcement, we can get really trained to seek that and expect that and associate that with relationships.
0:05:36.88 → 0:06:29.59
And that is a real hamster wheel, it's a real roller coaster that keeps us at this elevated level of stress and striving in our relationships. If we then take that away and we enter into a relationship with someone who is stable and predictable and reliable and we don't have to work really hard and we don't have to guess and we don't have to play all of those games. Our system can kind of be in a bit of disarray because we are used to operating up here. And all of a sudden, all of that energy that we're used to expending in our relationships doesn't really have anywhere to go. And there's a part of us that's uncomfortable without all of that chaos and drama because we kind of trained our body and our nervous system to expect it and to be primed for it and to actually get something out of it.
0:06:29.63 → 0:06:40.25
Because when we do get the reward, even when it's very intermittently, it feels so good. In fact, it feels even better for the fact that it's so unpredictable.
0:06:43.09 → 0:07:48.30
Again, to use the slot machine analogy, if you do win, even if it's $5 and you're down $200, it is so exciting and exhilarating and lights you up to have won $5 and you lose sight of the fact that you have lost $200, right? It's the same principle. If the person who you're in this really unhealthy relationship dynamic with is dismissive of you 95% of the time, but then brings you flowers, one day those flowers are going to feel like the most incredible thing in the world because they're so out of the ordinary, and you never really know when you're going to get something like that. So when that is the backdrop, going into a relationship with someone who's really stable is probably going to feel disconcerting, at least to certain parts of you that are used to working really, really hard to get kind of basic needs met to get basic recognition, basic connection. So I think having conscious awareness of this is a really, really important first step, as is always the case, right?
0:07:48.40 → 0:08:22.46
No matter what our pattern is, if we are not consciously aware of it, we are just going to be blindly acting from a wounded place, from a kind of subconscious protective place. And then we're going to wonder why we keep repeating patterns and we're not where we say we want to be. That's because we're not acting from a conscious place. So the place we consciously want to be, like that part of us just isn't in the driver's seat of our experience. So when we can get curious and go, I notice that maybe I'm not even attracted to healthy people in the first place.
0:08:22.91 → 0:08:56.12
And I think that's the case for a lot of people. You might have heard me say before, I always correct people's question when they ask me, like, why do I attract unhealthy people? And I think we really have to ask ourselves, why am I attracted to unhealthy people? And that is a much more honest and self responsible question and one that we actually have power over. Why am I attracted to what part of me seeks out people who fit a certain mould, who are inconsistent or unreliable or unavailable to me in some way?
0:08:56.65 → 0:09:33.80
What do I get out of participating in those dynamics? Because if we don't know the answer to that, that subconscious part of us that does get something out of it is going to keep running the show. So getting really curious going, what do I get out of this? What part of me prefers the chaos and the drama and feeling like I need to work really, really hard to get my connection needs met and feeling a sense of victory or worthiness when that unavailable person shows up for me. And spoiler alert, oftentimes this has origins in our family system or in earlier relationships.
0:09:33.83 → 0:10:29.60
It's very rare that it is born of the situation that you're kind of reenacting it in, but bringing conscious awareness to that and going, okay, what part of me needs my attention there? Rather than just going, oh, this healthy person, I'm not attracted to them, therefore they must not be a good fit and I'll break up with them and then I'll go into a pat and repeat with that other person. Right? So I think we do really need to become aware of that and decide which part of me do I want driving the bus here in my relationships, my wounded parts, or my wise adult self who knows what I truly want and knows what I deserve and what's best for me. So if you do find yourself in this situation where you're in a healthy relationship and it feels boring or it feels disconcerting or unsettling in some way, I think there are a few things to remind yourself of.
0:10:29.70 → 0:11:16.94
One is that stability and predictability and reliability is not always terribly exciting. And I think that we don't have to resign ourselves to the fact that our relationship is going to feel boring forever and ever and we just have to accept that. But I do think we have to manage our expectations around the fact that comfort and stability and cosiness and safety are not always the most exhilarating and exciting of experiences. And recognising the benefits to that to that stability and that safety and really allowing ourselves to be nourished by it again, particularly if that has not been your experience in the past. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it is probably the medicine that you don't realise you desperately need to just be able to rest in that safety and security.
0:11:17.01 → 0:12:11.28
That's probably going to be a really healing experience for you. With that being said, I think we can also acknowledge if we are someone who values excitement or adventure or any of those other kinds of qualities in a relationship, those are things that we can deliberately cultivate. We don't just have to feel like we've given up because a relationship is healthy and cosy and comfortable and that necessarily has to come at the cost of excitement. But I think that distinguishing excitement and adventure and novelty from drama and intensity and chaos is an important distinction to make. So if you do value those things, figuring out for yourself what a healthy expression of that kind of energy looks like, rather than just defaulting back into the chaos and the drama that you know so well, but that is also really costly to your system and is not a nice pattern to keep spinning around in.
0:12:11.46 → 0:12:59.27
So what could be examples of things that would inject and infuse some excitement and maybe even passion into my relationships, but not with this undertone of turbulence or anything that feels like it's injecting insecurity into my system. Because that's an easy place to gravitate back towards when it is our familiar. But it's likely to be an unhealthy pattern, repeat rather than what we truly need in order to heal those wounded parts of us. So I hope that that has been helpful in answering the question of why healthy relationships can feel a little bit uncomfortable or boring, particularly if that's new to you to have a healthy relationship. But as I said, stick it out.
0:12:59.34 → 0:13:33.43
Definitely don't run at the first sign of discomfort. All relationships are going to have growing pains, and ending a relationship because it feels too safe and secure is probably not a great idea. So stick it out. See how you go. And if you do really miss that sense of excitement and rush and exhilaration, try and find healthier and more adaptive ways to consciously cultivate those dynamics within your healthy relationship, rather than going and seeking chaos and drama elsewhere to get that sugar hit.
0:13:33.52 → 0:13:48.92
So I hope that that's been helpful. If you enjoyed this episode, as always, I'd love for you to subscribe, leave a review, leave a rating. It all helps so much in continuing to spread the word about the podcast. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you for our episode next week. Thanks, guys.
0:13:50.17 → 0:14:12.30
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg.com or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thank again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
#65 Can a relationship between two anxiously attached people work?
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of "Can a relationship between two anxiously attached people work?". I get variations of this question a lot - basically, why wouldn't anxious and avoidant people save themselves the trouble by sticking to their own kind? Well, as always, it's not quite that simple...
If you have an anxious attachment style, you’ve likely experienced the struggles of dating people with more avoidant attachment styles. You might find yourself constantly battling against differing needs and expectations around closeness and emotional intimacy. In contrast, anxiously attached people often crave a lot of time together, making the relationship a significant focus of their lives.
So, why don’t anxiously attached people just date each other? Wouldn’t it be easier to be with someone who has the same needs for connection, intimacy, and togetherness? It seems logical, but in reality, we rarely see anxious-anxious pairings. In this post, we’ll explore why this is the case, the dynamics that emerge when two anxiously attached people do come together, and why avoidant-avoidant relationships are also uncommon.
Why Opposites Attract in Relationships
For many people with anxious attachment, dating someone with avoidant tendencies feels familiar. While it’s not always easy, there’s a magnetic pull towards avoidant partners. This attraction often comes from our tendency to be drawn to people who possess traits that differ from our own.
An anxiously attached person who struggles with low self-worth and independence might find an avoidant partner’s independence, assertiveness, and confidence particularly appealing. On the flip side, an avoidant partner, who tends to suppress their emotional world, may be drawn to the emotional expressiveness and affection of someone with anxious attachment. This "opposites attract" dynamic plays a big role in why anxious and avoidant individuals often find themselves in relationships with each other.
The Rare Case of Anxious-Anxious Pairings
While it seems logical for two anxiously attached people to date, it rarely happens in practice. Even if it does, the dynamic often shifts over time. Here’s why:
Attraction to Avoidant Traits: As mentioned, anxiously attached individuals often feel a stronger attraction to people who possess qualities they themselves feel they lack, such as independence or emotional detachment. Therefore, they are less likely to be drawn to someone with the same anxious tendencies.
Emotional Saturation: In relationships where both partners are anxiously attached, the dynamic tends to recalibrate after some time. When both people want constant closeness, one partner may start feeling overwhelmed. The emotional intensity of the relationship can reach a point where one person begins to pull back, taking on a more avoidant role. It’s not that they suddenly become avoidant in a long-term sense, but within the context of this particular relationship, they may need to create space to balance the overwhelming closeness.
The Recalibration Effect: Relationships are dynamic systems, and partners often adjust to each other’s behaviors. In an anxious-anxious pairing, one person will usually lean towards avoidance to create a balance. When both people are "full throttle" with their emotional needs and demands for closeness, the relationship can feel unsustainable. As a result, one person pulls back, and the dynamic starts to resemble the anxious-avoidant pattern, but on a lesser scale.
Avoidant-Avoidant Relationships: Why They’re Uncommon
Just as anxious-anxious pairings are rare, avoidant-avoidant relationships are also uncommon. While it might seem like two avoidantly attached people would be an ideal match because they both value independence and emotional distance, these relationships often struggle to gain traction or deepen into emotional intimacy.
Lack of Emotional Glue: Avoidantly attached people typically find it difficult to connect deeply with their emotions and the emotions of others. In a relationship between two avoidants, this can lead to a lack of the emotional “glue” that bonds partners together. With both individuals keeping a distance, there’s little to anchor the relationship in terms of vulnerability or emotional closeness.
Difficulty with Commitment: Avoidant individuals often fear the vulnerability required for deep connection, which makes it hard to build and maintain a close, committed relationship. When both partners are avoidant, they might struggle to invest enough emotionally to keep the relationship alive, leading to stagnation or detachment over time.
The Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic Emerges: Similar to anxious-anxious pairings, avoidant-avoidant relationships may shift over time. As the relationship progresses, one partner might become more anxious in response to the ongoing emotional distance. For example, one partner might begin to feel abandoned or lonely, triggering a need for more connection. As a result, they may start acting in ways that resemble anxious attachment, while the other partner remains or becomes even more avoidant. This creates a new, albeit milder, version of the anxious-avoidant dynamic.
Is the Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Doomed?
While anxious-avoidant relationships are often seen as challenging, they aren’t inherently doomed. With the right awareness, skills, and a commitment to growth, these relationships can be healing. However, both partners need to be willing to understand their attachment styles and work towards healthy communication and emotional connection.
Anxious-anxious and avoidant-avoidant pairings, while uncommon, often shift into more familiar dynamics over time, with one partner leaning towards the opposite attachment style. This recalibration helps balance the relationship, though it can also lead to challenges if both partners don’t have the tools to navigate these shifts.
While it might seem easier for anxiously attached people to date each other or for avoidantly attached people to pair up, the reality is that we’re often drawn to partners with opposing traits. The attraction between anxious and avoidant individuals stems from our deeper needs and desires. Relationships, whether between anxious, avoidant, or mixed attachment styles, require awareness, communication, and commitment to working through the inevitable challenges that arise.
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Episode Transcript
0:00:00.41 → 0:00:40.76
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Um, hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q and A episode and I'm answering the question of can a relationship between two anxiously attached people work?
0:00:41.29 → 0:01:51.43
So this is a question that I get quite a lot and I'm going to answer that question and also the alternative version of that, which is kind of relationship between two avoided people work, or why don't avoidant people tend to date each other and anxious people tend to date each other. So I think this is something that many people wonder, perhaps when they are or have been in an anxious avoidant dynamic and they experience the struggle of that opposition, of feeling like they need to compromise so heavily on their needs and preferences because they are in partnership with someone who has opposing needs and preferences. And so the logical solution seems to be, why don't I just find someone with the same needs and preferences as me when it comes to all of those attachment patterns, and then everything will be resolved. We'll live happily ever after, two anxiouses, spending all of our time together, being obsessed with each other, both feet on the accelerator and the avoidance can go over there and be in their relationship where they have lots of space and peace among the lands. As you can probably tell from the way I'm talking about that, it's a little messier and more complicated.
0:01:51.56 → 0:02:33.06
And as is often the case, what makes logical sense often doesn't take into account the emotional layers that drive a lot of our behaviours when it comes to relationships. So I'm going to be speaking about that not only can these versions of relationship work, can these pairings work, but also why it is that they don't tend to happen that often, why it is that anxious and avoidant people tend to gravitate towards one another rather than sticking to their own kind. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first is a celebration.
0:02:33.12 → 0:03:04.42
I forgot to mention this on the show last week or the week before when it happened, but we recently crossed over a million downloads for the show in less than a year since starting the podcast. I think it's about a week or so until the podcast turns one. So to have crossed over a million downloads in less than a year is really incredible. And I'm just so grateful to all of you. Whether you're a new listener or you've been here since the start, I am so proud of this show and what it's become and continues to evolve into.
0:03:04.55 → 0:03:35.81
And none of that would be possible without your support. So to anyone who has listened or left a review or a rating, or shared it with someone in your life, or shared it on social media, I'm so immensely grateful and thankful for you and for your ongoing support. So from the bottom of my heart, sending you so much love and gratitude. The second quick announcement is just to share. If you listened to the episode earlier in the week, you may have heard me speak about my Homecoming Mastermind programme, which is now open for applications.
0:03:35.99 → 0:04:23.36
The next round of the programme starts in July, so it's still a little bit away, but I'm offering an early bird rate for those who sign up before the end of the month. And I've already had five or six amazing applications in the last couple of days, so it's already shaving up to be a beautiful collection of women. This is a six month programme with me. We meet every week on Zoom and we have a community channel between calls. So if you are looking to work with me intimately as well as forging beautiful connections with others who are on the same path, who are doing this work, who are showing up in the mess and being beautifully brave and courageous in facing all of the parts of us that are sometimes uncomfortable to face.
0:04:24.05 → 0:05:01.95
I would love for you to apply the link to that is in the show notes. I realise that that probably is only relevant to a tiny fraction of you listening, as it is my highest level programme and it is a big commitment, so I won't speak too much more about it. But just if that feels like you and you're feeling the pull, you can find all of that via my website and I would love to receive your application. Finally, just to share today's featured review, which is I feel like I could indeed, I often do listen to these episodes on repeat. I feel like Steph is spot on with all of her explanations and I found myself nodding along, saying yes, yes to myself throughout the episodes.
0:05:02.05 → 0:05:30.28
I also appreciate that Steph doesn't have black and white opinions on matters and allows space for us listeners to fill in the blanks. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I really appreciate the kind words. If that was yours, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around can a relationship between two anxiously attached people, or two avoidant people, for that matter, work?
0:05:30.73 → 0:06:22.54
So I think it's important to say at the outset that in my view, any relationship in the abstract, in a hypothetical sense, can of course, work if we're willing to put in the work to make it so. So I would never be one to say, oh, no, that pairing will never work. I think that's just a bit blunt and unhelpful and untrue, right? There's so much individual variation and richness and messiness in between the lines of putting people into buckets and saying, oh, if you tend towards anxious attachment, you could never possibly be in a successful relationship with someone else of that same blueprint that just denies the immense complexity of all of us in our humanness. So I want to make that very clear at the outset.
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What I'm going to talk about today is not to deny the possibility of this working in any individual case, right? But what I do want to speak to is why is it that anxiously attached people don't tend to be attracted to one another? They don't tend to end up in relationship with each other. And likewise, neither do avoidant people for the most part tend to be in relationship with each other. So I think taking almost a spiritual or metaphysical lens on this, relationships and systems tend to find balance, right?
0:06:56.15 → 0:07:40.08
We tend to find this yin and yang. There tends to be this equilibrium point where a relationship, it's that classic thing of opposites attract. And I think there is some truth in that. That two people who are very very similar in terms of all of their behaviours, their attachment wounds, their attachment drives, their origin stories tend not to be drawn to each other because our attachment behaviours develop in response to something, right? And what they develop in response to is what we almost grew around.
0:07:41.01 → 0:08:13.22
So because we're used to growing around that and we've been shaped by what we experienced, we tend to it's like a puzzle piece. We're looking for someone who fits that piece that is missing in our puzzle that we learn to grow around. That's probably an imperfect metaphor or visual, but I'm hoping that's starting to make sense. So to take it out of the abstract, if I am anxiously attached, if I am, I'll actually use myself as an example here. What did I learn?
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I learned to be low maintenance, okay? I learned to be good. I learned not to cause a fuss. I learned to take care of other people really well. I learned to be very empathetic and attuned.
0:08:28.69 → 0:09:03.56
I learned to be a great peacekeeper or a peacemaker. I learned to be a mediator in conflict, right? These are all of the skills that I learned in my family system. And so with those being my skills, that being my puzzle piece, the puzzle piece of me, I am likely to gravitate towards someone who I can use those skills and strategies with. Someone who might have higher needs than me, someone who might need stabilising or in my perception, right?
0:09:03.61 → 0:09:43.58
Someone who I can take care of, someone who is higher maintenance or unavailable or whatever else. And I have to work hard to get their attention. I have to strive, I have to try and control the conditions of the environment in order to keep the ship afloat, all of these things, right? That is what I know, that is what I have been trained to do and that is what is familiar to me. So when we go out into the world as adults and we have these attachment wounds and the behaviours that grew from them, you can almost think of it as a seed.
0:09:43.69 → 0:10:39.32
And then all of the branches on the tree become our behaviours, our strategies that we know so well, that have become part of who and how we move around the world. We're looking for someone that fits in with that, that clicks in with that. And if we've got two anxiously attached people, then we've got two people who want to be the caretaker, two people who want to be the people pleaser, two people who are wanting to suppress their needs to take care of someone else's, two people who are hyper vigilant and on high alert and monitoring everything, right? Without much to monitor because the other person's doing the same and is suppressing their own stuff. So there just tends not to be this subconscious drive of like, oh, that's where I can make myself useful, that's where I can slot into that system and know my place in it.
0:10:39.77 → 0:11:27.83
So hopefully that's starting to give you a sense of why we tend not to gravitate towards someone with the same attachment style and pattern as us, because it doesn't tend to remind us of our initial blueprint of what love and connection looks and feels like. So with all of that being said, of course there will be circumstances where two anxiously attached people, or too avoidant leaning people, do end up in relationship with each other. But what tends to happen here and it comes back to this idea of we find our way to a balance point, right? It's unlikely that two people will stay at the same end of the spectrum when in relationship with each other because so much of this stuff is like call and response, right? It's so much of a dialogue, it's such a co created dynamic.
0:11:28.43 → 0:12:11.24
And so what tends to happen is that, say two anxiously attached people are in a relationship, one person will likely be more anxiously attached, right? One person will be more paranoid, one person will be more clingy to use that word. One person will be more invested, one person will be more stressed out by any sort of distance or uncertainty, one person will require more reassurance. And what that tends to elicit in the other person, who might, in other circumstances lean more anxious. They will typically, again, I'm speaking in very general terms here, because I'm not going to tell you this is what will exactly happen in your relationship.
0:12:11.69 → 0:12:48.09
What will typically happen is they will start to exhibit more avoidant behaviours, they'll start to push some of that away. When that anxious energy gets really extreme, they will start to pull back and they will start to withdraw. They'll start to become overwhelmed by the intensity of the other person's anxiety and so on and so forth. So it finds its way to what ends up looking something like an anxious avoidant dynamic, right? And again reminding ourselves that attachment styles aren't fixed, they really are responsive to relational dynamics and relational patterns.
0:12:48.14 → 0:13:37.54
So it's entirely possible, and indeed not unlikely that too anxious people or too avoidant people are in relationship that you will start to exhibit more of an anxious avoidant dynamic, particularly in times of distress or relational tension or whatever else you'll find your way to aversion an expression of that dynamic and that pattern, even though you might have previously, in other relationships, both been more inclined towards one end of the spectrum or the other. And the same goes. People often ask me could a secure person become anxious if they were in relationship with someone who was extremely avoidant? Or could a secure person become avoidant if they were in relationship with someone who was extremely anxious? And the answer is yes, absolutely.
0:13:39.11 → 0:14:34.61
Some behaviours extreme avoidance can create anxiety. Extreme inconsistency, extreme dishonesty or intermittent reinforcement can create anxiety in someone who is otherwise not really prone to anxious attachment. I think the only qualifier to that, and I'm going a little off topic, but just to clarify, is the difference with a secure person is they might be less inclined to get in those relationships in the first place, or to let them get to the point of that extreme where they're really suffering as a result. People who are really secure tend to be pretty good at advocating for themselves and setting boundaries and walking away from things that are unhealthy. But that doesn't change the fact that notionally, yes, you could be primarily secure and then notice yourself slipping into more insecure patterns one way or the other in response to someone's behaviour.
0:14:36.97 → 0:15:24.48
I hope that that has answered the question to recap. Basically yes, a relationship between two anxiously attached people could work under the right conditions and the right people, but it tends not to happen very much of the time that they are attracted to each other in the first place. And if they are and do end up in a relationship, they will oftentimes find their way to more of an anxious avoidant, yin yang, opposites attract dynamic, which tends to keep the relationship in balance a little more, rather than both people being at one end of the spectrum or the other over the long term. If you've enjoyed this episode and found that helpful, please do leave a five star rating or a review if you're listening on Apple podcasts. As I said, it really does help so much.
0:15:24.53 → 0:15:35.82
And thank you again for helping me reach over a million downloads. I'm so grateful for you and I look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
0:15:35.93 → 0:15:54.94
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.