#138 What to Do When a Partner Pulls Away
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on how to navigate a partner pulling away. If you're someone with anxious attachment patterns, a partner's withdrawal or disengagement can feel extremely distressing - and yet, many of our go-to strategies for managing that distress can ironically have the effect of pushing someone further away.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on how to navigate a partner pulling away. If you're someone with anxious attachment patterns, a partner's withdrawal or disengagement can feel extremely distressing - and yet, many of our go-to strategies for managing that distress can ironically have the effect of pushing someone further away.
We'll cover:
What to do when someone pulls away in an early dating context
Why we feel drawn to pursuing connections with people who are inconsistent
How to navigate a partner repeatedly leaving and coming back
What to do when a long-term partner is emotionally withdrawn or distant
Navigating Emotional Distancing in Relationships
Relationships are a dynamic journey replete with ebbs and flows. Emotional distancing, where one partner withdraws or pulls away, can be a bewildering and painful experience. Handling this situation sensitively is key to fostering resilience in the relationship and within oneself.
The Early Stages of Dating: Responding to Withdrawal
When a budding connection seems to cool without warning, it often breeds confusion and distress. In early dating scenarios, direct communication is crucial. One might feel inclined to skirt around the issue, fearfully tiptoeing to avoid perceived rejection or abandoning the budding connection. However, clear and non-confrontational queries about any perceived change in behaviour can provide much-needed clarity.
It is helpful to consider your own reactions to withdrawal. Why does this withdrawal seem to beckon you into a chase? A confident, secure individual views inconsistency and flakiness as signs of a poor fit and a lack of reciprocity. On the other hand, someone who harbours self-doubt may perceive these as personal failures and an invitation to attempt to amend or adapt.
The Significance of Communicating Needs
With less invested connections, maturity in communication can open doors to understanding and potentially mending what may simply be a misunderstanding or a partner's personal issues. Presenting your observations without drama or over-emphasis can pave the way for an open dialogue – or alternatively give you the insights you need to make a decision about moving on.
Mixed signals should be a signal in themselves. Rather than obsessing over piecing together contradictory messages, it may be more constructive to recognise the red flags inherent in confusion and hesitancy. Prioritising someone who appreciates and invests in your time and emotions is essential.
Within Committed Relationships: Boundaries and Understanding
Within an established relationship, repeated cycles of pulling away and returning can create turbulence and emotional insecurity. Addressing this behaviour directly, with empathy and firmness, is paramount. It's vital to convey how such patterns impact your sense of safety within the relationship and assert boundaries regarding the permanence and stability you require.
The legitimacy of one's feelings when asserting boundaries must be acknowledged. Guidelines can be set in the spirit of nurturing the relationship, rather than as ultimatums that enforce control. Collaboration to address underlying issues and establish healthier coping mechanisms can strengthen the bond, allowing for steadier navigation through rough emotional waters.
Emotional Retreat: A Partner's Quiet Withdrawal
When one's partner becomes emotionally reticent without threatening the relationship's foundation, a different approach is warranted. A withdrawal can occur due to a myriad of reasons—stress, personal contemplation, mood fluctuations—and doesn't necessarily signal problems within the relationship.
Giving your partner the space to process their emotions without undue pressure can lead to a quicker and healthier resolution. It demonstrates trust in their ability to manage their internal state. Moreover, it is an opportunity for self-growth, finding comfort in one's own company and drawing strength from independence.
The confluence of personal growth and empathetic support often leads to a more resilient relationship, where temporary withdrawal does not precipitate a crisis but is seen as a natural part of the human condition. This mature outlook enables both partners to maintain a sense of personal integrity while being emotionally tuned in to each other.
Conclusion: Cultivating Resilience and Empathy
What is clear is that the journey of any relationship involves traversing paths of connection and moments of solitude. Understanding the nuances of emotional withdrawal, whether it is temporary or indicative of deeper issues, can make a significant difference in how we respond to our partner's needs and our own.
The bedrock of a thriving relationship is empathy, communication, and respect for each person's emotional landscape. By practising direct communication, self-awareness, and tolerance for the natural rhythms of intimacy, we can navigate the complex dance of human relationships with grace and resilience, fostering deeper connections with others and ourselves.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. How do you typically respond when you sense a partner starting to pull away? Reflect on the emotions this triggers in you, and consider where these feelings might be rooted in your past experiences.
2. Think about a time when a partner's withdrawal made you feel the need to 'fix' the situation immediately. Is this reaction based more on your discomfort with disconnection, or on genuine concern for your partner's well-being?
3. When someone you've been casually dating begins to show less interest, do you find yourself trying harder to regain their attention? Explore your motivations behind this and consider what it means for your sense of self-worth.
4. Can you identify a cycle of breakups and reunions in your current or past relationships? Reflect on how this pattern affected your emotional security and the overall health of the relationship.
5. Consider the notion that mixed signals could be a red flag rather than a challenge to overcome. How does this perspective shift the way you might approach inconsistencies in someone's behaviour during the early stages of dating?
6. Reflect on your boundaries: If you've experienced repeated patterns of a partner threatening to leave the relationship, what are some healthy boundaries you might set going forward? How would you communicate these to your partner?
7. Recall an instance when a significant other was emotionally distant due to their own issues. How did you handle giving them space while maintaining your own emotional well-being?
8. Discuss how self-reliance plays a role in allowing a partner to have their space. How can you better resource yourself when you feel a tendency to become tethered to your partner's mood and emotional state?
9. Have you ever found yourself persisting in a relationship despite clear signs of a partner's disinterest or inconsistent investment? If so, what did it take for you to shift your focus from trying to salvage the connection to prioritizing your own well-being?
10. Think about a relationship in which you felt safe to express doubts or insecurities without fearing abandonment. Contrast this with a relationship where such safety was not present. What can you learn from these experiences in fostering security within your current or future relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about what to do when your partner pulls away or withdraws. So this is a question that I have received in many forms, many times from people in my community. And I think it's a big question because obviously it spans so many different sets of circumstances and contexts. And so in answering this question and sharing some thoughts around this, I'm going to split it up into different scenarios. So if someone that you're in the early stages of dating starts to pull away, you know, that's a very different scenario to if someone you've been in a long term relationship with for a couple of years is being withdrawn and pulling away. And I think while it might activate similar circuitry within you, I think what is appropriate in terms of how you respond to that might be different, and my advice would probably differ.
[00:01:28]:
So I'm going to speak to those different versions of the scenario where someone that you're in a relationship with or connected with, is pulling away. And while I haven't explicitly made this about anxious and avoidant attachment, I think it would be fair to say that I'm mostly speaking to people who probably lean more anxious here and have been in the situation of having someone who leans more avoidant, pulling away. As we know, that's the more typical scenario. So while it's not exclusively that, and of course, there will always be variations on the theme, that's probably in most cases going to be what we're talking about today. Before I dove into today's episode, I just wanted to share I've done a really terrible job at sharing this, but there is a YouTube channel that I created a little while ago that we've been uploading podcast recordings to. So you can find me on YouTube if you're someone who likes to watch. We've been uploading full length episodes, but also shorter clips from both recent episodes and then more archive stuff from a little while back. So if you're a YouTuber, it would be super helpful for me in growing on that platform.
[00:02:40]:
If you would check it out, it's I think my handle is just . You know, like, subscribe, engage all of that. And you know, as I said, if you're someone who appreciates having something to watch in addition to having something to listen to, definitely go check me out on YouTube. The second announcement in a similar vein, which is also me being very terrible at sharing this is I've had a few people ask me about transcripts and other things for the podcast. The podcast actually has its own website. So if you go to on attachment.com, we have a page for every episode. And on those pages, we have not only the show notes, and links to other resources, but we have full transcripts of the episodes, and even, like, discussion questions, reflection questions that arise out of the topic of the episode. Read sometimes get reviews and feedback from people saying that they want to listen and relisten and go back and take notes and, you know, write things down.
[00:03:37]:
If you're someone who likes to engage with the podcast in that manner, on attachment.com is a really great resource for you and and has a lot of stuff there. So those are 2 announcements that I've been meaning to make for a long time, that I've been doing a very terrible job at telling people that those things exist, but those resources are there for anyone who wants them and, of course, totally free. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around what to do when your partner or someone that you're seeing pulls away and withdraws. And I think, as always, I like to kind of set the scene by validating how hard this can be and why it's hard, particularly if you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns. So as we know, and I've talked about this to death on the podcast, so I won't spend too much time on it. If you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns, closeness, proximity, connection equals safety. And so to have someone that you're in relationship with pull away and that can be in really explicit or overt ways in that they disappear, or they say they need space or something quite upfront, or it could be the more subtle shifts in energy that you are likely very highly attuned to and very almost hypervigilant or, you know, super perceptive to any change in temperature or energy within the relationship.
[00:05:01]:
That's likely to send your system into some level of disarray, because we know that any kind of loss of connection or shift in connection feels like a precursor to abandonment, rejection, you know, aloneness in a way that is likely to be really triggering and upsetting and stressful for you. And so you might notice that at the slightest hint of disconnection, your system goes into full on, I need to fix this mode, whether that's by you know, trying to close the gap or testing or probing or, you know, if you've got an inkling that something's wrong, then know, asking your partner a 1000000 times what's wrong? Are you sure nothing's wrong? Really seeking that reassurance. And you know, that can be in and of itself a really stressful experience for you. Now adding to that, if someone really is pulling away and you feel increasingly sort of powerless and stressed and overwhelmed, obviously, that's not a nice place to be. And you probably don't need me to tell you that continuing to sort of grab at someone, whether literally or figuratively, you know, pushing them away is often what ends up happening, when that's the opposite of what we wanna do. We're actually trying to get some safety for ourselves, but the way that we go about it will often have the effect of pushing someone further away when they're already disengaging for whatever reason. So as I said in the introduction, I think it's useful to delineate here between different sorts of circumstances because, you know, if my partner of several years is being withdrawn, then obviously I'm gonna approach that in a very different way to if I was, you know, chatting with someone who I'd been on 2 dates with and they started to pull away or or send mixed messages. And I think that, you know, to lump them all in the same category would be reductive and and probably unhelpful.
[00:06:59]:
So I'm going to start by talking about the more casual situation where you know in a dating context, if you've connected with someone, you know, maybe you've been chatting a lot, maybe like you're really, really excited and it feels really good and you've been on a couple of dates, maybe you've even, you know, slept together or or whatever, but, like, it's feeling like there's momentum there. And then suddenly things start to shift and they start to be a little distant. They start to pull away. Maybe they're less available. You know, they're suddenly making excuses for why they can't see you. The tone of their messages changes, all of those sorts of things, which unfortunately, I think happens quite a lot. And I'm sure a lot of you are nodding your head and feeling quite seen by that situation because I know that in in the dating world, it is unfortunately quite common for people to pull away without necessarily directly communicating. And as I said, you know, all of that is likely to really be very jarring and quite distressing for you, particularly if you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns, whose tendency, I suppose, is to internalize all of that and go, what have I done wrong? You know, did they decide they didn't like me? You know, what changed? And kind of go into overdrive trying to find the answers to that and, you know, reverse engineer a solution.
[00:08:18]:
And oftentimes that revolves around how can I change myself or, you know, make them like me again? And so it becomes this attempt at earning someone's approval, working really, really, really hard to restore whatever connection was there that feels like it's slipping away from you. So what do you do in that situation where someone who you've kind of been casually seeing or there's been, you know, the early stages of a connection with starts to be a bit distant and pulling away. So I think that you're probably not going to like this answer because it's not an answer that is like a hack to get them to reengage. Right. But there's a few pieces here that I want to point to, and I think one of them is just communicate. And, you know, I think you can name what you're feeling without going too overboard with it or being too grave or serious. You can simply call out, hey, it feels like you've been a little withdrawn the past few days, weeks, whatever is appropriate. Just wondering whether everything's okay.
[00:09:27]:
Wanted to check-in. Let me know how you're feeling or whether you'd like to chat. And I think that you can generally gauge from someone's response to something like that where they're at. And if they come back with more kind of flakiness or distance, then that's probably very telling. Or, you know, they might be able to give you insight into something else that's going on in their life that it gives a little context for why they've been distant, at which point you can be sympathetic and then say that you'd, you know, love to hear from them a little more frequently or catch up or whatever. So being mature and communicate directly is a good first port of call. I know that that's probably counterintuitive for most people because again, particularly among those with more anxious patterns, the tendency to think that you've done something wrong and then worry that you're pushing someone away by being too clingy means that you're disinclined to communicate directly and advocate for yourself and just be upfront. And you tend to go for the more indirect sideways approaches of trying to gather information without, you know, opening yourself up to potential rejection, I suppose, is probably the best way to put it.
[00:10:36]:
And just asking someone outright, you know, are you still interested? How are you feeling? What's going on? You seem to be withdrawn. Can feel much more vulnerable than just, you know, tiptoeing around it and trying to figure out what's going on, but not in a way that exposes you to that potential rejection, and all of the uncomfortable feelings that might come with it. But I think that the cost of that tiptoeing is that we end up persisting in the face of someone's disinterest, right, or someone's lack of investment in us. And I think that that is very costly to our sense of self confidence, self esteem, self worth. So the direct communication approach, I think, is a really good one. The other piece that I wanted to speak to and I've sort of already alluded to it, is that it's it's really important to reflect on what it is about someone's disinterest that is so enticing to us. And as I say enticing, I don't mean like directly exciting in a conscious sense, but we have to get a bit curious about, you know, why someone sending mixed signals, someone not really showing that much interest, why does that feel like an invitation for us to try harder to get them to show interest, to prove ourselves, to earn their love, to, you know, be better, be different, be otherwise? Because I think the the secure person doesn't feel so seduced by that game. A secure person sees someone's lack of investment or someone's inconsistency or flakiness, as an indicator that that's not a great fit and that there's a lack of reciprocity in that dynamic and that it's maybe not worth investing in because they don't feel terribly respected by this person in terms of themselves, but also their time and energy.
[00:12:25]:
Whereas I think when we're coming from a foundation of low self worth, that does feel like this seductive challenge almost of they're giving me some attention, or they were giving me attention, but now they're not. So how do I get back to that place? What can I do? What can I change? How can I be towards them that will bring us back into connection? Because I've internalized the loss of connection as being a comment on my worth, as being my fault, as being something, you know, wrong with me. And so I have to restore that so that I don't feel like there's something wrong with me. All of that to say, I think a lot of it is our own work and our own self reflection. There's a lot there to explore and understand about ourselves. Why is this appealing to me? Why do I find myself? Particularly if this is a repeated pattern for you and you are continually finding yourself in this situation of persisting in the face of someone's lukewarm attention or very hot and cold inconsistent flakiness, why do I see that as something worth pursuing rather than just spending my time and energy with the people who are interested in me? So I think that in summary, in that early dating kind of scenario, be upfront in communicating. I think the other thing, and I've said this before, sometimes rather than trying to decipher which of someone's mixed signals are the truth, If someone's saying one thing and then saying another thing, I think that actually just realizing that the fact of someone's very mixed communication, inconsistent messaging, if you're racking your brains, feeling really confused and full of doubt at the very early stages of a relationship, is that something that you want to continue to invest in? Because that's a pretty big red flag at the outset for you to be feeling so unsure of how they feel about you, how invested they are. And so I think that when we kind of march past those signals and then later wonder, you know, where it all went wrong, maybe we're not being fully honest with ourselves about what was apparent in those early stages and what we were willing to look past in the interest of maintaining a connection because it felt good.
[00:14:44]:
So I want to pivot now to the other scenario, which is, you know, if you're in a relationship with someone and they are pulling away, withdrawing. And when I say relationship, again, there's a 1,000,001 different variations of what that could look like. But something that is, you know, committed and, you know, clear that you are together. It doesn't have to be super long term, but at least there's some clarity that you're in a relationship and and the level of investment and kind of mutual understanding there. And I think that when someone pulls away in this scenario, again, there's sort of different branches of the tree because pulling away might be, you know, someone actually saying I need space or I don't know about being in this relationship anymore, you know, actually trying to maybe end the relationship and then coming back again. Or it might just be someone kind of emotionally withdrawing while still in the relationship. So I think in a scenario where someone is repeatedly pulling away in the sense of saying, you know, I need space or I'm not sure about this. I don't know if this is going to work out, you know, actually going and then coming back again, in a way that feels like it's leaving the existence of the relationship in question in some way.
[00:15:55]:
You know, are we actually still together? Or it's, undermining that really, the foundation of the relationship. I think in that scenario, boundaries and kind of a firm conversation around that is really, really important. I've said this before, I think threatening a breakup or having cycles in a relationship where you repeatedly break up and get back together is just so detrimental. It's virtually impossible to build a secure relationship where that is a theme that is recurring in particularly in your conflicts, if that's always on the table or, you know, if that's where things escalate to every time they escalate, then it's impossible to have any emotional safety. It's impossible to have really vulnerable conversations because there's always this existential threat looming over the relationship. And so it's really easy to go, you know, I don't wanna say that thing because I don't want it to escalate in that direction because I don't wanna lose the relationship. And so I think it creates this this culture inside a relationship of suppression and hiding and tiptoeing, followed by these big blowouts and then no adequate repair. And it really is very, very hard to build anything sustainable or healthy from that place.
[00:17:07]:
So if it were me and my partner were going through cycles of saying, you know, I don't think I can do this or, you know, I need space. So I think we should take time apart or whatever again and again and coming back and going again. I think the for me, it would be a very firm boundary of I understand whatever, you know, doubts you might be having, and I don't wanna make you wrong for that. But equally, it's very challenging for me to persist in this environment of uncertainty in the relationship. And that's just not gonna work for me going forward because I know what that costs me. So if we're gonna continue to be in this relationship, I need to know that you are committed and I really need to draw a bright line in the sand on the threatening to leave or the leaving and coming back again because that level of of kind of chaos, uncertainty, unpredictability around the very foundation of our relationship is untenable for me. So, you know, talking to someone pretty firmly and saying you know, advocating for yourself in that, while seeking to understand it's not making them wrong because there's some very valid fear or pain that is driving them to behave in that way over and over again. It's not just them trying to hurt you, I can guarantee it.
[00:18:19]:
It's them trying to protect themselves from something. So certainly seeking to understand, but having that conversation of how can we go about managing this or, you know, how can, you know, you support yourself? How can I support you? How can we support each other in a way that doesn't look like you leaving all the time? Because that's just not going to fly. Finally, in this scenario where you're in a relationship and someone's just kind of emotionally withdrawn, but it's not, you know, that that thing of, like, pulling away or, like, actually leaving and coming back in a way that's ever throwing the relationship into question. For me, sometimes in my relationship, Joel will pull away in the sense of when he's stressed or when he's just not feeling great, he's feeling a bit flat or whatever. I know that he withdraws into himself. That's what he knows to do. That's very much his, like, default mechanism. And in the past, that was really challenging for me because, you know, again, all of the anxious patterns there see someone's withdrawal as some sort of precursor to something bad happening, or at least this sense of I can't reach you when you're there, so I don't know how to make this better.
[00:19:35]:
And feeling like you don't know how to make something better when someone else's pain feels like it's threatening the connection. They can feel very out of control, and you can feel like you kind of have your hands tied and someone has put themselves behind a brick wall, and you don't know how to reach them, and you don't know what to do about it. And you can feel really powerless and, you know, feeling bad for them that they're in that experience, but also kind of selfishly not knowing how to make it better for yourself when you feel like your comfort and security is tied to some level of harmony and connection. So that used to be really challenging for me. It still is sometimes. I don't love it when he withdraws into himself. But I think we've gone to a place now where I can kind of trust in his ability to manage that. And I know that it's not about me.
[00:20:21]:
I know that that will pass and that I can, you know, offer a level of support without needing to rush in to try and fix it. And funnily enough, my, you know, giving him space to be in his process typically means he comes out of it much more quickly and easily than if I'm kind of hovering around and and trying to, you know, probe or fix or make it go away. Because I think that from his perspective, when he's withdrawn into himself, it's because he doesn't want to inflict his internal state onto me. And he's kind of doing that as a way to not only protect himself, but also protect me from whatever's going on. So, you know, having had conversations around that and, you know, having a level of, for me, self regulation and ability to just, you know, take care of myself when, you know, he's a little withdrawn or flat or moody or or those things without spiraling into making it about me or needing to fix it. Actually, just going and doing my own thing and and trusting that it will pass has been really, really effective. And I think that that's kind of good advice in many cases, in this scenario where it's not like something really tumultuous is happening, but your partner's just a little bit withdrawn or or pulling away, maybe unavailable for connection or a little bit kind of moody or irritable or or just going through their own stuff in a way that leads them to pull away from you a bit. I think that trusting in the the macro picture of the relationship rather than fixating on micro moments of disconnection and urgently needing to fix them, rushing in.
[00:22:02]:
I think that that can be really supportive for both of you. And, you know, I say both of you because I think having that practice of, I can be fine even if I'm not connected to you right in this moment. There are plenty of things that I can offer to myself that are really resourcing, that I can, you know, go and, you know, spend time alone or with other people or do things and not allow my mood and my state to be tethered to yours in a way that, you know, I feel really off center because you're not a 100% yourself. So, yeah, I think that that's good advice. Of course, having some communication around it, but it doesn't have to be something that you need to eliminate in a relationship because I think the more we can increase our tolerance for someone ebbing and flowing, even when it's not our preference or it's not comfortable for us, I actually think that that's a really positive growth experience. Okay. So that was some thoughts on what to do when a partner's pulling away. Someone that you're seeing is pulling away.
[00:23:02]:
I hope that that's been helpful in giving you some things to think about. I'm I realize that that's kind of covered a big spectrum, and and hopefully there's something in there for people at lots of different points in the journey, whether you're dating or in a relationship or somewhere in between. As always, if you've enjoyed this episode, I'm so grateful if you could leave a rating or a review. I read every single one and I'm always so touched by your very kind and generous words of feedback. So thank you all for continuing to support the podcast in all of the ways that you do, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:23:05]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, relationship advice, overcoming insecurity, healthy relationships, relationship coach, partner withdrawal, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, communication in relationships, dating scenarios, long-term relationships, YouTube channel, podcast transcripts, show notes, relationship dynamics, self-esteem in relationships, self-worth, boundaries in relationships, relationship uncertainty, emotional withdrawal, managing stress in relationships, self-regulation, coping with disconnection, relationship commitment, secure attachment, relationship patterns, mixed signals, relationship consistency, partner support, relationship resilience
#137 Self-Soothing for Anxious Attachment
In today's episode, we're talking all about self-soothing and anxious attachment. For most anxiously attached folks, self-soothing and self-regulation can be a real struggle. This typically shows up as an over-reliance on others (often a partner) to be our sole source of safety and reassurance when we experience emotional distress, and an accompanying sense of helplessness and panic if and when they are not available to perform that role.
In today's episode, we're talking all about self-soothing and anxious attachment. For most anxiously attached folks, self-soothing and self-regulation can be a real struggle. This typically shows up as an over-reliance on others (often a partner) to be our sole source of safety and reassurance when we experience emotional distress, and an accompanying sense of helplessness and panic if and when they are not available to perform that role.
We'll cover:
Why anxiously attached people struggle to self-regulate
How an inability to self-soothe impacts our relationships
Mindset shifts and practices to start building your self-soothing toolkit
Learning to Self-Soothe: Navigating Anxious Attachment through Inner Regulation
Self-soothing is an integral skill that plays a pivotal role in how we navigate relationships, especially for those with anxious attachment. Whether it's a relational rupture or a general sense of stress, the ability to self-soothe can significantly impact our well-being and the dynamics in our relationships. In this article, we'll delve into the concept of self-soothing within the context of anxious attachment, understanding its roots, and exploring practical techniques to cultivate this essential skill set.
Understanding Anxious Attachment and Self-Soothing
Anxious attachment often stems from early developmental experiences, influencing our ability to regulate emotions and seek comfort within ourselves. From birth, humans are reliant on caregivers to co-regulate their emotions, creating a sense of safety and security. However, individuals with anxious attachments might have experienced inconsistent or insufficient co-regulation, leading to heightened anxiety and a lack of self-soothing skills.
The Impact of Early Experiences
Our early experiences form the foundation of our attachment styles. If we didn't receive consistent co-regulation as children, it might translate into challenges with self-soothing as adults. Anxious attachment can manifest as a constant need for proximity, reassurance, and fear of abandonment. This often translates into feeling helpless and powerless when facing relational stress or emotional overwhelm. Consequently, it's crucial to acknowledge that struggling with self-soothing isn't a personal shortcoming but rather a developmental outcome with roots in early experiences.
Developing Self-Soothing as a Skill Set
The good news is that self-soothing is a skill that can be nurtured and refined. By understanding the origins of our attachment styles and the impact of early experiences, we can begin the journey of cultivating self-soothing capabilities. By developing this skill set, we empower ourselves to regulate our emotions and find comfort within, complementing the external support we seek from relationships.
Exploring Self-Soothing Techniques
Self-soothing techniques are diverse and unique to each individual, emphasizing the importance of a personalised approach. Practices such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and sensory grounding exercises can be invaluable tools in managing anxiety and emotional distress. Engaging in movement, whether through exercise or a simple walk, can help dissipate stress energy, promoting a sense of calm and stability. Moreover, utilising the senses, such as touch, taste, and smell, can draw our focus back to the present moment, aiding in emotional regulation.
The Trial and Error of Self-Soothing
As we embark on the journey of enhancing our self-soothing abilities, it's important to adopt an experimental mindset. What works for one person might not necessarily be effective for another. Embracing trial and error fosters a deeper understanding of our individual needs and preferences when it comes to self-soothing. It's about discovering a personalized toolkit of techniques that resonate with us, providing comfort and grounding during moments of distress.
Proactive Self-Soothing Practices
An essential aspect of self-soothing is its proactive application. Rather than viewing it solely as a reactive response to overwhelming emotions, integrating self-soothing into our daily routines and checking in with ourselves elevates its effectiveness. By consistently tending to our emotional well-being, we reduce the likelihood of reaching a tipping point of distress, promoting a sense of control and agency over our internal state.
Cultivating Internal Safety and Reassurance
As we navigate the realms of self-soothing, we embark on a transformational journey of self-care and emotional resilience. Recognising the power we hold to comfort ourselves, we reshape our internal dialogue from helplessness to empowerment. Effectively self-soothing involves creating internal safety and reassurance, bridging the gap between our emotional needs and our capacity to meet them.
In conclusion, the art of self-soothing is an invaluable skill, particularly for individuals navigating anxious attachment. Understanding its roots, embracing diverse techniques, and fostering a proactive approach significantly enhances our emotional well-being and relationship dynamics. By cultivating this essential skill set, we embark on a journey of self-empowerment, inner resilience, and a deeper sense of emotional security within ourselves and our relationships.
Through the lens of self-soothing, we unearth the transformative potential of reclaiming agency over our emotions and nurturing a profound sense of internal safety and reassurance. As we continue to explore the multifaceted layers of self-soothing, may we find solace in the potent ability to comfort and regulate ourselves, transcending the challenges of anxious attachment and anchoring ourselves in a space of emotional resilience.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
What does the concept of self-soothing mean to you in the context of relationships and attachment?
Have you ever felt overwhelmed or vulnerable in a relationship due to a lack of self-soothing techniques? How did it affect the relationship?
In what ways do you think your early experiences of co-regulation have influenced your ability to self-soothe as an adult?
What practical self-soothing techniques have you tried in moments of stress or anxiety? How effective were they for you?
Reflect on a recent stressful or anxious moment in a relationship. How did you attempt to self-soothe, and was it successful?
How do you differentiate between self-regulation and co-regulation in your own relationship dynamics? Do you feel more reliant on external reassurance or your own internal soothing mechanisms?
In what ways can you proactively integrate self-soothing practices into your daily life to manage stress and overwhelm before it becomes unmanageable?
Think about a time when you felt a strong need for reassurance and safety from your partner. How can you cultivate that sense of security within yourself through self-soothing?
Consider the impact of self-trust on your ability to self-soothe. How does trusting yourself relate to your capacity for self-regulation and managing anxiety in relationships?
Reflect on how the development of self-soothing skills might influence your experience of anxious attachment and your relationships moving forward.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about self soothing and anxious attachment, which I know is one of those areas that so many people have a hard time with. And, you know, if you are someone who identifies with anxious attachment and self soothing, particularly when there are relational ruptures or other things in that relational field that are causing you stress, you are so far from alone in having a hard time with self soothing. That's very much part of the blueprint of anxious attachment is that that is an underdeveloped skill set. But nevertheless, despite it it being, you know, common or normal among anxious attached, as I know that it can cause a lot of overwhelm and stress and vulnerability in relationships when you are feeling anxious, and you feel like you are kind of powerless to do anything about that, that you don't have any tools to offer yourself, and that you're really at the mercy of something outside of yourself, oftentimes your partner, to provide the safety and reassurance that you need in order to calm yourself down. And obviously, you know, depending on the circumstances, if there's been a rupture or you're otherwise feeling disconnected from your partner, that external reassurance might not always be available and that can lead you into a really challenging, scary spiral of emotions that you don't know how to deal with. So that's a really common experience.
[00:01:57]:
And thankfully there's both an explanation for it and there are absolutely things that you can do to build up that skill set. As with so much of this work, the way that we experience relationships, the things that we struggle with, the ways that we've learned to cope are just that the things that we have learned. And that's really the hopeful piece of all of this is that we can learn other ways to cope or even to thrive, to really take care of ourselves in relationships in a way that is much more mature and grounded and empowering than feeling like, you know, a scared vulnerable child, which I think is often what's lurking underneath. And we'll talk today about why that might be and why that actually makes a lot of sense if that's your experience. So before we dive into today's discussion, a final reminder about healing anxious attachment, my signature course. It's been open for registration with the last week or so, and we've had I don't know what the count is at the moment. I think almost 250 people join, which is amazing as always. So exciting for me to see.
[00:03:02]:
So many people saying yes to doing this work for themselves. There are another couple of days before registration will close for this round. And I'm not quite sure when I'll be reopening it. As many of you would know, I'm having a baby in a few weeks time, which is very exciting. But it also means I'll be taking a step back from running programs for, you know, the next few months at least. So while I will be running the course again, I have no set plans or dates, and it will likely be late this year, if not, maybe next year. So if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are wanting to do something about it and you're wanting a tried and tested framework, definitely check out healing anxious attachment in the next couple of days before registration closes for this round. Okay.
[00:03:50]:
So let's talk about self soothing for anxious attachment. Now I wanna set the scene a little here without going too much into the background, but just to give a bit of context for why anxiously attached people struggle with self soothing. So when we're all born, I said that I was going back a little, didn't I? When we're all born, we don't have the ability to self regulate or self soothe. Human babies are very, very underdeveloped and we have around 25% of our full brain capacity at birth. If you even just think about, you know, other mammals that are much more self sufficient or independent within a few hours of birth than humans are. Human babies are really undergo a whole nother gestation period outside of the womb once they're born, and are utterly dependent and vulnerable on the adults around them for survival. Which is why, you know, these attachment bonds are so vital to our species, and to our programming. That's why they feel so survival driven because they absolutely are.
[00:04:56]:
And there's nothing wrong with that. That's, you know, by design, and it allows us to survive and thrive. Now, in an ideal world, we are lacking that ability to self soothe, self regulate, as babies and infants. We learn that from our parents through co regulation. So we sort of tether to their nervous system and we learn to experience safety via them. So if our caregivers are safe and reliable and consistent and responsive and attuned and, you know, take care of our needs, and we can feel them close, and we don't have, you know, those scary experiences of disconnection and vulnerability at a time when we are so dependent on them. Then eventually we develop a secure attachment, right? We learn that the world is a safe place and we we with others. That's the ideal.
[00:05:56]:
Unfortunately, a lot of us didn't get, you know, enough of that safe co regulation or we didn't get it consistently enough, or there were other things going on such that, commonly happens, the typical origin story when we're talking about, you know, co regulation, self regulation, is that you received enough safe co regulation to know what it feels like and to know that that's what you want and need. But you may not have gotten it consistently or reliably enough to be able to depend on it. And so you become very hyper aware of the need for that co regulation in order to survive and you develop anxiety around the possible loss of that connection, that coregulation, you know it not being available to you when you need it, and so you become hyper fixated on holding onto it at all times. Right? And you might be starting to see how this pieces together with the anxious attachment that you experience as an adult is I only feel safe and reassured when we're connected. And so because I'm so frightened about the possibility of you not being there when I need you, I don't want to even entertain that possibility. So I want to keep you really close. And I become very hyper vigilant to any possible threats to that connection. Anything that could take you away from me.
[00:07:18]:
So for the anxiously attached baby child, what tends to happen is because you're so focused and fixated on this need for closeness and, you know, the separation anxiety that can come alongside that is that the self regulation piece tends to get a little neglected or underdeveloped. And, you know, that neglect or lack of development of that skill set can then, you know, follow through to your development. And even as an adult, you can find that you maybe lack that skill set. You don't have that felt experience of being able to soothe and comfort yourself because it's just not something that you ever really learned how to do. If we briefly contrast that in this episode isn't really about the avoidant attachment experience, but just because it's interesting, what we can see is for avoidantly attached folks, often they didn't have enough safe co regulation to begin with, that they never really learned to reach for it or they learned not to reach for it. They actually learned to not need it, to shut themselves off from it and to over index on self regulation, to become really, really reliant on their ability to create safety for themselves without connection to other. And so, whereas anxiously attached people tend to be you know, overly focused on co regulation from a really survival driven place, to the detriment of their ability to self regulate, we can see that avoidant folks tend to go the other way. So they don't really know how to safely co regulate with others or maybe, you know, co regulating, connecting with others just isn't synonymous with safety in their system because they never had that imprint.
[00:09:03]:
You know, they tend to be really overly focused on self regulation, self soothing as their way of creating safety whenever they feel threatened or overwhelmed. So that's a bit of a backdrop of, you know, why you're not just, you know, crazy or pathetic or stupid or desperate. If you're someone with anxious attachment and you really struggle to self regulate, this goes back a long way and you may just not have had the early experiences that you needed enough of the time in order to develop that skillset. Now, as I said, the great thing about all of this is that it is a set of skills and it is something that we can learn and practice and cultivate within ourselves in that inner relationship so that we feel more resource. We feel like we have things that we can reach for in those moments of overwhelm, of stress, of anxiety, rather than defaulting back to this helpless child kind of energy of, you know, I'm panicked. And it's almost like if you, you know, ever got lost in a department store or a supermarket or something, that panic sense of, like, I can't find my parent. Where are they? You know, I feel so scared and vulnerable. What am I gonna do? And you do have that very visceral fear and helplessness.
[00:10:18]:
I think for anxiously attached people in relationships, if something feels threatening, if something feels overwhelming, it can have a very similar emotional imprint to those kinds of experiences of like sheer panic, and separation anxiety that you may have experienced when you're a kid. So what do we do about all of this now? I can't even begin in a short podcast episode to give you the full download on self soothing tools and tips for anxious attachment. It's something that I go into a lot of detail in in my course. I think there's, you know, a couple of hours of video trainings just on your nervous system and self soothing in its own module because it really is that foundational to this whole process. And it requires, you know, a lot of unpacking. But what we can do is start to understand that I think this is really important. There are so many things that I could give you in terms of, like, things that you can do and try to, you know, regulate your system. So things like breathing techniques, things like stretching, other ways to activate your body and to create safety in your body when you're feeling overwhelmed.
[00:11:29]:
And knowing, like, based on where my nervous system's at, if I'm feeling like an 8 out of 10, what kind of tool would I reach for in that setting? Versus if I'm feeling like at a 4 out of 10. If I'm feeling very, very anxious, I'm gonna reach for something different than if I'm feeling, you know, depressed and vacant. And it's actually about trial and error and figuring that out for yourself in large part, knowing what tools work for you and knowing that there are things that you can do and offer to yourself at any moment. Things that take 2 seconds and things that might take an hour. So, you know, something that might be appropriate if you're sitting at your desk at work might not be appropriate in another setting and vice versa. So a huge part of doing this work and learning to self regulate, to self soothe, is knowing that you have so many options and and really equipping yourself with as many tools as you can, so that you feel spoiled for choice almost. Right? I often say to people, to students and clients that like the number of times throughout the day where I will pause and check-in with myself and go, what do I need? If I'm noticing that I'm even a little bit dysregulated or scattered or, you know, just don't really feel grounded and kind of in my my window of tolerance, if you're familiar with that term, I'll stop and I'll go, what do I need? And maybe it's just, you know, getting up and stretching or walking outside and having some fresh air, maybe it's getting a glass of water, Maybe it's lighting a candle. Maybe it's changing the music that I'm listening to or going from listening to nothing to listening to something or vice versa.
[00:13:11]:
Again, it's just tweaking what is going on around me, my environment, both internal and external, in order to bring myself back into more regulation and presence and groundedness. And ideally, what we want is for this to become a practice that is not only an emergency response, which I think is how so many people I mean, certainly when I'm getting questions from people about self soothing, it's almost always like, you know, give me the fire extinguisher so I can put out this, you know, big burning fire of my overwhelming emotions when it gets too much. And of course, yes, we wanna be able to resource ourselves when our emotions get very big and very overwhelming and it, you know, shows up as panic or, you know, a big anxiety spin out. Yes, we wanna have tools for that, but we also wanna be constantly in this process of turning towards ourselves and checking in, so that we don't get to that boiling point as often. And we're really actually just checking in with ourselves throughout the day every day so that we're staying grounded and anchored rather than, not really noticing until it all gets too much. And then we have the big blow up and we feel like we're not in control of ourselves anymore. Because I think that's what happens for a lot of people, when, you know, self regulation, self care is treated as, only a reactive thing rather than a proactive thing. You know, it's something I do when I'm burnt out or when I have a panic attack, you know, in the same way that, hopefully, you treat your health as something to be proactively managed.
[00:14:53]:
So too should you be treating, you know, your nervous system health and your mental well-being, your emotional well-being as something to be proactively taken care of rather than only something to, you know, pull out the the emergency response for when it all gets too much. So to give you a few specific things for self soothing, for anxious attachment and, you know, again, I think that like the actual tools that you'll use will vary from person to person. But it really is anything that can bring you back into presence. Okay? Because when we are in that stress response, when we're in a threat response, we tend to spin out and everything becomes very global and catastrophic. And it's not just right here, right now. What do I know to be true? Where am I? You know, am I safe? There's this sense of like everything is doomed and I'm going to be alone forever. And, you know, it's not just I can't reach my partner right now. It's, you know, they're having an affair or they're cheating on me, and they've been lying to me about everything.
[00:15:57]:
And, you know, all of this stuff that catastrophising can be very intense and very persuasive. So, I think recognising that when you're in that state, the state of your nervous system is going to dictate the thoughts and feelings that you are having. And so working with your body, 1st and foremost, and with your nervous system to try and bring down the heat or bring down the pressure is a really good starting point, rather than just trying to outthink those big scary thoughts. I think a lot of the time, something as simple as going for a walk or a run, moving your body when we have that amount of, you know, stressy energy, when we've got that amount of activation in our system, Just trying to calm ourselves down can actually be counterproductive because we've already got the adrenaline going, and just trying to switch it off or dull it. It's already kind of pumping through you, so sometimes actually leaning into that, and, you know, shaking or moving or walking or going to the gym. You know, if you're someone who already enjoys exercise, you'll know that the the feeling after a work out is often a very calm and grounded one, because you've cleared out a lot of that sympathetic activation, that stress energy. So anything to do with movement is good. Anything that feels grounding using your senses.
[00:17:23]:
So again, when we're really in that spinning out place and we're really feeling not grounded, bringing ourselves back to, you know, where am I? What can I touch? What can I smell? What can I taste? What can I hear listening to music or, you know, some sort of like, even meditation tracks or binaural, sounds, binaural beats? I love listening to stuff like that. I find it very grounding. But again, it's really about learning to match your tools to your state. And something that works for me when I'm at a 5 out of 10 might be absolutely not helpful for you at all if you're at a 5 out of 10. And so it's like, can I experiment with this and almost play with it? Going, oh, like, what helps to bring me back into my body? What helps to bring me back into a little bit more safety and space and groundedness, based on how I'm feeling and where I'm at? And that really is a bit of trial and error, but it's, you know, an incredibly empowering process for you to go through to start figuring out what that might look like for you. And just even the process of turning towards yourself and going, okay, what do I need? That in and of itself is really, really powerful in rewiring that experience of I am helpless and there's nothing I can do, because you're acknowledging and asking that question of like how what can I offer to myself? You're already acknowledging that, like, you care and you are there and you are attuned and responsive, and you are going to be able to take action to support yourself. And even being able to do that can shift you out of that sense of helplessness and, you know, despair and overwhelm and frozenness that you might otherwise be feeling when you're in that state of, you know, really panicking trigger activation about something in your relationship. So I hope that that has been helpful in in giving you a bit of a sense of what we're talking about with self soothing.
[00:19:19]:
I know that, you know, some of you will be wanting a formula. And as much as I could give you that, I don't think it's actually what you need. I know that's an annoying answer. But as with all of these things, I think so much of the process and particularly around something is foundational to our relationship with self as self soothing and self regulation. So much of it is that process of getting to know yourself and not having it dictated to you the things that you need to do, because that actually cultivates more of a reliance on something outside of yourself. So if I just tell you exactly what to do and then, you know, you do it and it doesn't work for you, then you come back and go, well, now what do I do? Right? There's still that sense of dependency and helplessness. So it's actually much more empowering and helpful, for you to go through that process of figuring it out for yourself. Of course, with the guidelines of you know, some of those foundational tools around bringing more regulation into the body, you know, movement, sound, breath, senses, all of those things that we know are really good for grounding the nervous system.
[00:20:27]:
So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if you want to do a really deep dive on this and and everything else to do with anxious attachment, definitely jump into the course before registration closes in a couple days' time. We've also got a live Q and A with me later this week, which is obviously a great opportunity if you're interested. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks, guys.
[00:20:54]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, self soothing, anxious attachment, relationship coach, insecurity, thriving relationships, co regulation, anxious attached, relational ruptures, vulnerability, relationship, secure attachment, nervous system, nervous system health, emotional well-being, self regulation, grounding, nervous system, breath, senses, mental well-being, proactive self-care, panic attack, emotional well-being, emotional imprint, avoidant attachment, self-dependent.