#146 Making Sense of Conflicting Relationship Advice
Have you ever found yourself seeking out relationship advice online only to be bombarded with pages of seemingly conflicting and contradictory opinions? If so, you're not alone - and today's episode is for you. I'm going to be sharing 5 examples of contradictory relationship advice that you may have encountered and struggled to make sense of, so that you can understand the nuances and practise discernment in finding the right way forward for you.
Have you ever found yourself seeking out relationship advice online only to be bombarded with pages of seemingly conflicting and contradictory opinions? If so, you're not alone - and today's episode is for you. I'm going to be sharing 5 examples of contradictory relationship advice that you may have encountered and struggled to make sense of, so that you can understand the nuances and practise discernment in finding the right way forward for you.
We cover:
Going after a life you love AND learning to be content with what you have
Knowing what you want in a partner AND not being overly prescriptive
Not dating someone for their potential AND wanting someone you can grow with
Not changing yourself to earn someone's love AND wanting to be your best self to attract a healthy partner
The importance of feeling your feelings AND knowing when it's okay to distract yourself
Making Sense of Conflicting Relationship Advice
Navigating the world of relationships can be daunting, especially when bombarded with conflicting advice. With countless voices offering differing tips and strategies, it’s no wonder many feel overwhelmed. However, understanding that both sets of conflicting advice can hold truth helps one develop discernment and self-trust. This article explores several key pieces of conflicting relationship advice and sheds light on how to make sense of them.
Pursuing Happiness vs. Contentment
One common piece of advice is that you deserve to pursue a life you love and shouldn’t settle for less. This can be empowering, especially for those feeling trapped in unfulfilling situations. It encourages taking risks and striving for joy, peace, and fulfilment. However, it is equally important to appreciate what one already has.
Cultivating contentment with your current life can bring a profound sense of peace. Constantly chasing the next best thing can lead to perpetual dissatisfaction. Therefore, it’s valuable to find a balance between striving for improvement and appreciating the present. This duality entails setting goals for a better future while finding joy and serenity in the present moment.
Knowing What You Want vs. Being Flexible
In the realm of dating, knowing what you want is deemed crucial. It’s advised to have clarity on your non-negotiables, ensuring you enter relationships with a strong sense of what matters most to you. This helps in making informed choices and not settling for connections that don't align with your values.
Conversely, being overly prescriptive can hinder the dating experience. Being too rigid in your requirements might close off potentially wonderful relationships. It’s beneficial to maintain a sense of curiosity and openness, exploring connections without the pressure of adhering to a strict checklist. Balancing these two can help in finding a compatible partner while enjoying the journey of getting to know different personalities.
Potential vs. Growth
Another conflicting piece of advice is avoiding dating someone for their potential. This stems from a caution against trying to change a partner into an idealised version. Dating someone for who they might become can lead to disappointment and an imbalanced relationship dynamic.
Yet, it’s also healthy to seek someone with whom you can grow and evolve. The key distinction here is to ensure that the desire for growth is mutual. It is about being with someone who inspires personal development and shares a similar vision for the future, rather than undertaking a project to mould them into a different person. Recognising this distinction helps foster healthier and more balanced relationships.
Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance
The advice to never change oneself for a relationship aligns with promoting self-worth and authenticity. It advocates for maintaining one’s true self and avoiding people-pleasing behaviours to gain love and acceptance. This is crucial, as altering oneself can lead to a loss of identity and an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
At the same time, personal growth should not be overlooked. Investing in self-improvement can elevate the quality of one’s relationships. This doesn’t mean changing who you are at your core, but rather becoming the best version of yourself. As self-confidence and self-worth grow, you’ll attract healthier relationships. The key is to balance self-acceptance with a commitment to personal growth, enhancing relationships naturally rather than through forced changes.
Feeling Your Feelings vs. Healthy Distraction
When dealing with emotional challenges like a breakup, it’s often recommended to feel your feelings and allow space for grief and sadness. Suppressing emotions can result in them surfacing later in more detrimental ways. Engaging with and processing feelings is essential for emotional health.
However, distraction can also be a beneficial strategy. Sometimes, taking a break from intense emotions by engaging in activities like exercise, hobbies, or socialising can provide relief and help regain emotional strength. The important aspect here is discerning when to allow feelings to flow and when a healthy distraction is needed to regroup.
Embracing Nuance and Developing Discernment
The essence of dealing with conflicting relationship advice lies in embracing nuance. Each piece of advice can hold truth in different contexts, and it’s up to the individual to discern what resonates most for them. Developing discernment involves trusting oneself to determine the right course of action based on personal values, needs, and knowledge of the situation.
Discernment is inextricably linked to self-trust. It’s about navigating the complex nuances of relationships to make decisions that align with one’s authentic self. By balancing conflicting pieces of advice, one can foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships while maintaining a strong sense of self. In the end, the right decision is the one that feels true and right for you.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you often find yourself overwhelmed by conflicting relationship advice? How does this impact your ability to make decisions in your relationships?
What advice or messages around relationships have resonated with you the most, and why? Conversely, which pieces of advice have you chosen to leave behind, and what informed that choice?
Reflect on a time when you pursued a significant change in your life or relationship. Did this decision arise from a place of genuine desire, or was it influenced by external pressures or advice?
How do you balance the value of striving for more in your life with the practice of appreciating and finding contentment in what you already have?
In dating, what core qualities and values do you find essential in a partner? How do you navigate the line between knowing what you want and remaining open to unexpected connections?
Have you ever caught yourself being overly prescriptive or rigid in your expectations of a partner? How might this have affected your relationships?
Discuss a relationship where you might have been drawn to someone’s potential rather than who they were at the time. What was the outcome, and what did you learn from it?
How important is personal growth and evolution to you in a relationship? Can you distinguish between wanting to grow with someone versus wanting to change them?
Reflect on how self-worth and self-esteem play a role in the types of relationships you attract and maintain. In what ways has working on yourself improved your relationship experiences?
Have you experienced times when you needed to feel your feelings versus times when distraction was the best course of action? How do you determine what you need in moments of emotional intensity?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about how to make sense of conflicting relationship advice. So I think that in the online world in particular, but maybe even outside of that, we are pretty constantly bombarded with different opinions, you know, different ideas, different advice on how to navigate relationships. And while you could say, you know, having so much input and information can be supportive and can allow us to really learn more about ourselves and cultivate, you know, more awareness of our patterns and insights and all of those things, which we could say is a positive, I think it's undeniable that at times it could feel almost like a bombardment. And for those of us who are maybe a little lacking in self trust or maybe, you know, prone to doubting ourselves, second guessing things, having so much information and so much conflicting information, particularly when delivered maybe without nuance or context, with a lot of certainty, it can be really hard to know what's true or what's right for me. And so I'm going to go through today a few sets of conflicting advice, not with a view so much to determining for you which is true or right, but rather, I suppose, elucidating the reasons why all of it can be true. And I think so much of, you know, developing a stronger sense of self trust and discernment is being able to ascertain, well, is this right for me rather than is this objectively true? In a general sense, is this applicable to everyone? So teasing out, I suppose, when, where, why you might, you know, find certain advice resonates with you and and why you might leave other advice, as not being applicable to you or not being, you know, the thing that you need.
[00:02:28]:
So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Before I get into that, I just wanted to remind you, I've mentioned it a couple of times, but, if you are someone who likes watching rather than listening or maybe in addition to, be sure to check out my YouTube channel. We're uploading full form episodes of the podcast, in video form. You can also find all of that on the On Attachment website. Again, if you didn't know, On Attachment has its own website at on attachment.com, which has, you know, not only links to the videos, and, you know, you can listen on Spotify there, but also full transcripts of the episodes, even discussion questions, and written summaries of what we talk about. So if you wanna go a little deeper and dig into some of those additional resources, all of which are totally free of charge, and be sure to check out on attachment.com and or my YouTube channel. Okay. Alright.
[00:03:23]:
So let's dive into this conversation around navigating conflicting relationship advice. So the first piece of advice, or I suppose the first 2 pieces of advice that seem to conflict with each other, that you deserve to go after a life that you love, which you do. And there is huge value in learning to be content with what you have. Right? So on the face of it, we go, okay. You know, yes, I deserve more. And I think there is so much content that is, speaking to that. Right? That you deserve a life you love, and if it's not like a hell yes, it should be a hell no. And, you know, all of these things that are essentially telling you that if you have any sort of dissatisfaction, that you should, you know, totally overhaul your life and keep reaching for more and more and more until you reach some place of happiness.
[00:04:15]:
Now, I think that for certain people in certain circumstances, it is really, really important to hear that you deserve to be happy, that happiness and joy and peace and fulfillment is available to you and is something that you, you know, should really feel like you can go after and that you should feel like you're allowed to want that. And so, you know, settling, so to speak, for a life that feels draining, and, you know, hardly tolerable, let alone fulfilling, you don't have to do that. Now when we look at the other side of the coin, I think it's equally true that there is a lot of wisdom and freedom, I would say, in learning to be at peace with what's around you, and really consciously choosing the life that you have rather than always feeling like you need something more or different or that you need to optimize every little piece of your life, of your relationships, in order to, you know, be happy. I think that sometimes, you know, letting something be good enough, rather than needing everything to be perfect, there can be so much kind of spaciousness and peace to be found in that paradigm shift of, can I, you know, be happy enough here? Now, as you can see, this is a really delicate 1, and I think it very, neatly illustrates the complexity of, you know, making sense of these conflicting pieces of advice because both of them are true. And yet if you just took 1 at face value, and sort of ran with it, then you could really easily take yourself to an extreme position that might not be helpful, which is why I speak so much about the importance of discernment and being able to find your way to a middle ground that makes sense for you. So letting both of these be true. Yes. You absolutely, you know, deserve and, you know, should really seek out a life that feels meaningful and joyful, and, and fulfilling for you while also learning to appreciate, be grateful for, and find peace with that which you already have, maybe, and the things that are, you know, good in your life rather than always feeling like you need to be, shifting the goalpost or raising the bar for yourself and looking for the things that are wrong and needing improvement.
[00:06:46]:
Okay. The next, set of pieces of advice that are seemingly in conflict, but maybe both true, is that in dating, it's really important to know what you're looking for, and being overly prescriptive will generally work against you. So let's break each of these down. So it is really I have said this many times, particularly for people who struggle more with anxious attachment, whose proclivity in dating is to just latch onto anyone who shows interest in them and get really swept up in, you know, the romance of it all, the the idea of it all, maybe where the connection is kind of lacking in foundation or in, like, core compatibilities. So it's absolutely important to know, like, what am I looking for in a partner? What matters to me? How do I wanna feel in relationships? You know, what does, you know, compatibility look and feel like? What are those qualities that I'm looking for? Most people that I work with have never turned their mind to that really in a way that they have clarity on, you know, what are my nonnegotiables? What are my deal breakers? You know, where are the lines that I would draw in the sand? What qualities really matter to me and a partner? Because when you have that framework, then it's much easier to kind of sift through. When you are meeting people, it's much easier to say yes and no, or maybe saying maybe to exploring something further. But you're able to go in with that clarity because you know what you're looking for and you know what you're not looking for. And you're much less susceptible to, you know, moving those standards, to accommodate someone that you've become infatuated with.
[00:08:32]:
Now at the same time, being overly prescriptive can make it really hard. So I think we don't wanna go in there with, like, a very long list, of very specific attributes that someone needs to have in order for you to be willing to explore a connection with them, because I think, you know, in doing so, you're obviously narrowing the pool. And you if you if you become too attached to very specific criteria, then I think not only is it less likely that you're gonna find someone and maybe more likely that you're gonna pass over people who could be really great to be in a relationship with, but I think you also kind of kill off the sense of curiosity and, you know, excitement that comes with getting to know someone, without the anxiety of, like, needing them to pass a test. So balancing these 2 of, yes, it's really important to kind of know what you're looking for and know what your standards are, while not being overly rigid or prescriptive in a way that, you know, makes that process either totally unenjoyable, and or knocks too many people out of the running because you've set the bar impossibly high or, you know, you're looking for some sort of mystery perfect person who maybe doesn't exist. Okay. The next set of conflicting pieces of advice is that you don't want to date someone for their potential. You know, we've all heard this so many times, make sure you're not dating someone for their potential. And it's totally okay, and I would say healthy, to wanna be with someone who you can grow and evolve with.
[00:10:14]:
Okay? So once again, the line here can be a little murky. And if you are someone who looks to, you know, external sources to always have the answer for you, it can be really hard to know where you fall on this line, which again is why I think that discernment and self trust is such an important piece, in the journey to becoming not only more secure in an attachment sense, but, you know, having a really strong sense of self and self confidence, self esteem. So don't date someone for their potential. We know that, again, if you are more anxiously attached, and it's not exclusive to anxious attachment, but we'll often see it there is, you know, you become so enamored with the idea of someone. And, you know, you're not deterred by the idea of a project, let's put it that way. And you can really latch onto, you know, what the relationship could be, or, you know, who this person could be if only they changed these things. Or, you know, maybe you catch little glimpses of them, but then, you know, 90% of the time, they are a different version of themselves. But 10% of the time, they are this version of themselves that, you know, you wanna nurture them into being more of, and you tell yourself that if only that were the case, then everything would be perfect.
[00:11:35]:
I think in that kind of setup where you maybe take it upon yourself to be the force that transforms them from a to b that kind of fuels their metamorphosis. I think that's a really dangerous dynamic to get into, because, you know, making it your mission to change someone is really draining for you, tends to be very detrimental to your sense of self and self worth, and frankly isn't really fair on them either. It's not a nice dynamic to be on either side of, and it tends to be very skewed energetically in a relationship, when 1 person is trying to change the other. So we don't wanna get too tied up in dating someone, based on some version of themselves that they might become in the future, which, you know, isn't really who they are today. But at the same time, it's totally okay to wanna grow with someone and to wanna be with someone who wants to grow. And I think that that's really critical here, and maybe that's the distinction. Maybe that's where the line is. Does this person want to grow, or do you just want them to grow? And so if that is important to you, that sense of growth and evolution and forward motion in your relationship, in terms of, you know, personal development, then I think it does have to originate at least in part, in the other person rather than it being your agenda that you're imposing on them.
[00:13:03]:
So I think, you know, having a level of self awareness and honesty, can be really helpful there in distinguishing between those 2. Okay. The next 1 is you don't and shouldn't have to change yourself in order to deserve a healthy relationship, and at the same time, becoming the best version of yourself will almost always be reflected in an up leveling of your relationships or the types of people that you are attracted to and you are attracting in return. So let's break this down. I think for those of us who struggle with some form of unworthiness, there can be this sense of, you know, I am unworthy of the kind of relationship that I want. I don't deserve that. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough.
[00:13:55]:
I'm not attractive enough. Whatever. Right? And so we can feel too small or, you know, too unworthy to think that we deserve that, that we can have that kind of relationship, that we can have a healthy relationship. And I think that when we're operating in that paradigm, it's very easy to then accept and and settle for, even though I don't really like that word, relationships that fall way short of what we truly want, because we don't believe that we can do any better than that. Right? Now, I don't think that that's healthy at all. And I think that, you know, that sense of I need to change myself in order to get someone to love me can really lead us into that shape shifting, people pleasing, bending over backwards, just trying to be likable and loved, you know, trying to be easy, low maintenance in order to, like, earn someone's approval. Obviously, those can be some pretty nasty dynamics in a relationship if that's kind of the the tone of the relationship. Now, at the same time, and again, this is, you know, why this advice can be so confusing.
[00:15:03]:
I think it's undeniably true that if you are someone who really struggles with low self worth, low self esteem, you know, a lack of self confidence, maybe you don't take great care of yourself, which I think all of those things can go hand in hand, I think it's undeniable that if you really double down on investing in your own growth as a person, and that can have a lot of pillars to it, whether that's, you know, going to therapy, sorting your shit out, whether it's getting healthy, you know, kind of up leveling your life, in terms of how you relate to yourself, how you take care of yourself, you know, your relationships. Maybe it's culling a bunch of relationships, friendships, you know, other things that you know are not in alignment or in integrity. Maybe they kind of energetically drag you down. Whatever it looks like for you, I think that it is undeniable that that process of kind of cleaning up, spring cleaning, we could call it, your life will be reflected in the relationships that you subsequently find yourself in. So it's not about, like, needing to prove your worth to someone so much as, if you are operating from a place of genuine self worth and self confidence, then that will most always be mirrored back to you in the types of people that you are attracting and are attracted to. So focusing on really becoming the best version of yourself, and maybe that's the point of distinction. It's not trying to become someone else to earn love, but becoming the very best version of yourself and trusting that from that place, you know, your life and relationships will prosper and will flourish, because you're really allowing yourself to to shine through in a really healthy, and attractive way there. Okay.
[00:16:51]:
And last but not least, it's important to feel your feelings, and sometimes the best thing to do is just distract yourself. So this might be, you know, if you have just gone through a breakup, for example, it doesn't have to be a breakup, but I think that's a nice example. If you've just gone through a breakup, I absolutely think that it is important to carve out space to really feel into the grief and the sadness and the loss and the disappointment and any other feelings that might be in there. I think if we try and bypass those feelings altogether, then they're gonna come back to bite us somehow. They tend to just get stuffed down deeper and, you know, kind of create layers within ourselves that we're going to have to tend to sooner or later. So, it is really important to connect with, to feel, to allow space for our emotions and our feelings. And at the same time, I absolutely do not think that you need to feel all of your feelings all of the time. I think that, you know, distracting yourself can be a perfectly reasonable, and indeed can be like the best thing for you at any given moment.
[00:17:59]:
And, again, this is where, like, discernment and tuning into ourselves is really important. Being self responsible, being kind of a a good caretaker of our own selves is, like, what do I need now? Do I need to, you know, have a really big cry and maybe do some journaling or talk to a friend and, and really be with the feelings that are arising within me? Or do I need to zone out? Do I need to numb out? Do I need to distract myself? And neither is, like, better or worse. It's not that, you know, distracting yourself is a cop out or is the easy way out. It might be at that point in time, at that moment, that you don't have the capacity to be with, you know, the bigness of whatever you're feeling, and that's okay. As I said, I think part of being self responsible and being really well attuned to yourself is knowing when you do have capacity, and coming back to those things when you're in a better space to be with them. So, yes, absolutely, we wanna find space for those feelings to be felt, because I think that a lot of us skip to thinking about our feelings or thinking about a situation, and we think that we've kind of ticked that box because we've spent so much mental energy on the situation. Again, the breakup's a good example here. But even just in a relationship, if you are someone who's kind of dissatisfied with your relationship and you think about it all day long and you're constantly ruminating and, you know, having practice conversations and all of those sorts of things, and you think that you've really connected with your feelings about it, I would argue that you probably haven't, that you've been using all of that kind of cognitive energy, as a way to skip past the discomfort and vulnerability and messiness of actually just feeling.
[00:19:52]:
And for a lot of us, you know, you're probably listening going, yeah, well, what does that even mean? What does it look like? I don't know how to feel the thing without going into the stories that sit on top of it and, you know, spinning around in all of that blame and accusation and and kind of victimhood or whatever else might be there. So it it can be a bit of a process learning to actually sit with the discomfort of the feeling without all of that other stuff attached to it. But, yes, as I said, at the same time, I actually think it's it's really can be very healthy to just distract yourself. It might be, you know, going for a run and and listening to music or going for a drive or watching Netflix or whatever it might be, if you don't have the capacity to be with those feelings at any given time, that can be a really valid and, you know, self caring act to distract yourself rather than going into the depths of those feelings, provided, of course, that you do carve out some time and space to to revisit them when you have more capacity. Okay. I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that today has been helpful, not only I suppose in breaking down those specific examples that I've offered, but I suppose in illustrating the point more broadly that there's always nuance, there's always, you know, shades of gray, and, you know, any advice that you encounter online or anywhere else from people in your life, you know, take it with a grain of salt. You can sort of assimilate it into the broader framework of, you know, relationship advice or or whatever, but, you know, take what works and, don't necessarily take anyone's, including mine, anyone's views as gospel or as necessarily right for you in your specific situation, because really only you can know that, and your job is to kind of figure that out for yourself.
[00:21:40]:
And as I said, kind of take what works, leave what doesn't, and figure out where that line sits for you. So I hope that you've learned something. I hope that it's given you something to think about, and as always, so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and feedback. I read them all, and I'm always very touched by your kind words of support. So thank you, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
conflicting relationship advice, attachment theory, relationship guidance, overcoming insecurity, healthy relationships, self trust, relationship self-awareness, relationship discernment, personal growth, dating standards, relationship compatibility, relationship dynamics, self-worth, self-esteem, dating clarity, nonnegotiables in relationships, managing breakups, feeling your feelings, emotional awareness, relationship mindfulness, relationship advice, online relationship guidance, personal development, navigating relationships, relationship contentment, life fulfilment, relationship goals, dating expectations, relationship needs, relationship improvement
#145 3 Fights Every Anxious-Avoidant Couple Has Had
In today's episode, I'm unpacking three common pain points that virtually all anxious-avoidant couples will encounter at some point in their relationship. We'll talk about why these particular fights are so common, and what they're really about - so you can approach them next time with more empathy and understanding, and avoid the disconnection and hurt that comes with the typical anxious-avoidant trap.
In today's episode, I'm unpacking three common pain points that virtually all anxious-avoidant couples will encounter at some point in their relationship. We'll talk about why these particular fights are so common, and what they're really about - so you can approach them next time with more empathy and understanding, and avoid the disconnection and hurt that comes with the typical anxious-avoidant trap.
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
The Dynamics of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships: Common Conflicts and How to Navigate Them
Anxious-avoidant relationships are particularly common and notoriously challenging. The attraction between someone with an anxious attachment style and another with an avoidant attachment style often results in a dynamic where each partner’s needs and fears can exacerbate the other’s insecurities.
The Conflict Over Details
One prevalent source of friction revolves around the need for details. The anxious partner typically craves information and clarity – where their partner is going, who they are spending time with, and what their plans entail. This desire for details stems from a need for assurance and a sense of control, helping mitigate anxiety about the unknown.
In contrast, the avoidant partner may find these questions intrusive and feel their privacy and autonomy are being infringed upon. They often prefer to keep certain parts of their lives separate, which can lead them to be vague or non-communicative. This behaviour is not necessarily about hiding something but rather about maintaining a sense of independence.
Navigating the Conflict: Begin by recognising and empathising with where each person is coming from. For the anxious partner, it's understanding that vagueness isn't inherently suspicious. For the avoidant partner, offering a bit more detail can quell anxiety without impinging on their independence. A balanced approach, where both parties communicate their needs and agree on what level of detail is comfortable to share, can ease this tension.
The Abrupt Exit During Conflict
Another common fight occurs when the avoidant partner exits a serious conversation or conflict. They might abruptly stop the discussion, citing work or another distraction, which leaves the anxious partner feeling dismissed and undervalued. The more the avoidant disengages, the more the anxious partner might react with heightened emotions, perpetuating a cycle of conflict.
For the avoidant partner, leaving the conversation can be a coping mechanism to avoid escalating emotions and preserve tranquility. They might genuinely need to attend to other commitments or simply feel the conversation is going around in circles without resolution.
Navigating the Conflict: The key here is mutual respect for time and space. Agreeing on a suitable time for serious discussions ensures that both partners are fully present and can engage constructively. If a conversation becomes too heated, agreeing to pause and reschedule it for a calmer time can prevent hurt feelings and further escalation. It’s crucial for each partner to express their needs calmly and assure the other that the conversation is important and will be revisited.
The Clash of Love Languages
Love languages – the myriad ways people express and receive love – often become a battleground in anxious-avoidant relationships. Anxious partners might crave words of affirmation and physical affection, feeling loved through constant verbal and tactile reassurance. Avoidant partners, however, might demonstrate love through acts of service, quality time, or even gift-giving, which can seem less direct and tangible to their anxious counterparts.
This divergence can lead to misunderstandings where the anxious partner feels neglected or unloved because the avoidant partner doesn’t frequently express love in the expected ways. The avoidant partner might feel unappreciated, believing their efforts are unnoticed or undervalued.
Navigating the Conflict: Understanding each other’s love languages is a powerful step toward reconciliation. Open conversations about what makes each partner feel loved and appreciated can reveal underlying needs and foster empathy. Encouraging both partners to occasionally step out of their comfort zones to meet each other’s needs can build a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.
Building a Compassionate and Secure Connection
The essence of navigating these conflicts lies in fostering mutual understanding and empathy. Recognising that each partner’s behaviours are rooted in their attachment styles can shift the perspective from blame to understanding. Engaging in dialogues with a compassionate mindset and striving for a balance between personal needs and the relationship’s wellbeing creates a foundation where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued.
Creating a positive relational environment encourages vulnerability and helps each partner feel safer to express themselves. In a space devoid of constant blame and defensiveness, it becomes easier to appreciate each other’s efforts and intentions, paving the way for deeper connection and secure attachment.
By approaching each conflict with empathy and a willingness to understand, anxious-avoidant couples can transform their relationship dynamics, moving toward a healthier and more resilient bond.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you recognise any patterns in your past or current relationships that reflect the anxious-avoidant dynamic? How have these patterns impacted your relationships?
When you’re feeling anxious in a relationship, do you often seek detailed information and reassurance from your partner? How do you think this affects your partner and your relationship?
If your partner appears avoidant and values their privacy, how do you generally react? Can you identify times when this reaction has led to conflict?
Reflect on a time when you or your partner ended a serious conversation abruptly. How did that make you feel? What steps could both of you take to navigate these situations more peacefully in the future?
How do you and your partner generally deal with arguments about spending quality time together? What love languages do you feel most connected to, and how do you express them?
Think about a recent conflict in your relationship. Was it about an underlying issue rather than the immediate problem? How can you address the root cause rather than the symptom next time?
Consider the concept of "creating a culture of appreciation" in your relationship. How often do you acknowledge your partner’s efforts to show love, even if it’s not in your preferred love language?
Do you find it challenging to understand or appreciate your partner’s need for autonomy and space? How might you work on developing more empathy and flexibility in this area?
Reflect on how you feel when asking your partner for emotional reassurance. Are there ways you can communicate your needs without making your partner feel overwhelmed or interrogated?
How do you typically balance your needs for security and certainty against your partner’s needs for space and independence? Can you identify any strategies to maintain this balance more effectively?
Feel free to reflect on these questions in your journal or discuss them with your partner to gain deeper insights into your relationship dynamics and the ways you can grow together.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking about 3 fights that you've probably had if you're in an anxious, avoidant relationship. If you've been in an anxious, avoidant relationship in the past, or indeed if you embark upon a relationship in the future with an anxious, avoidant dynamic, you're likely to have some version of these conflicts. So for anyone who is new here, who's uninitiated in this language, when I say an anxious, avoidant relationship, I'm referring to a relationship between someone who leans more anxious in their attachment style and someone who leans more avoidant in their attachment style. This is a very, very common pairing. It's very common for people with these attachment styles to be drawn to each other. And yet there can be a lot of challenges in that dynamic because, you know, on the surface, at least your attachment needs and wounds tend to sit at opposite ends of the spectrum.
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And it's really easy if you're not conscious and not aware to just trigger the hell out of each other. And, you know, for each of your habitual responses to reinforce the other person's fears and insecurities and thereby really embolden them and their protective mechanisms, their protective you've likely had if you're in your relationship and thinking, why does this feel so you've likely had if you're in your relationship and thinking, why does this feel so hard and why do we keep fighting about these things? I'm hoping that you'll feel very seen by today's episode, particularly by the specificity of some of the examples that I'm going to give. But also, I suppose, to peel back the layers in some of these conflicts, because the fight is never really about the thing that you're fighting about. It's almost always about something deeper, symptomatic of some unmet need or some fear or insecurity that you're being brought into contact with. And our romantic relationships have a real knack for bringing us into contact with those things. And we tend to be most sensitive in that arena to anything that feels threatening to our sense of safety, our sense of self, which we derive from our relationship, at least in part. So that's what I'm gonna be talking about today, giving free examples. It's a little bit lighthearted.
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It's not intended to be a really serious conversation today. So hopefully you'll have a little chuckle and I feel not only validated and seen, but maybe take it in good humor as well. That's my hope anyway. Okay. So before I dive into that, a quick reminder, this is the last week that you can take advantage of the 50% off sale that I've been running since being on maternity leave. I'm gonna wrap that up on the 30th June. So if you are interested in saving 50% on any of my courses or masters, head to my website and you can take advantage of that with the code, hey, baby, all 1 word. And particularly in keeping with today's theme around anxious avoidant dynamics and navigating those and trying to build a more secure foundation within an anxious, avoidant relationship, which I'm a big advocate for my course Secure Together, which I recorded with my partner, Joel.
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It's a really comprehensive course that will help you and your partner if you decide to do it together and to understand each other better and ultimately to love each other better, which is what we're all trying to do here. So, if today's episode resonates with you, definitely check out Secure Together and say 50% with that discount code, hey, baby. Alright. So the first of these common arguments or pain points that you're likely to have encountered if you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic is an argument about details. And in particular, an avoidant partner not giving details about where they're going, what they're doing, being sort of vague or cagey. At least that's how it's likely to appear to the anxious person about it might be where they're going. It might be who they're talking to. It might be who's going to be somewhere.
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So, you know, to paint the picture a little, your partner might be, you know, catching up with friends on the weekend and, you know, you, the anxious partner, might ask them, oh, where are you gonna go? And your avoidant partner might say, oh, I'm not sure yet. Full stop. And you might then say, what do you mean you're not sure yet? Oh, I just don't know. We haven't made a plan. Or I don't know. I'm not the 1 organizing it. And you might then say, as the anxious partner, well, haven't you asked them, how do you know where you're gonna meet them? And you might sense your avoidant partner becoming increasingly agitated with the line of questioning. You might then pivot to, well, who's going to be there? They might say, I don't know.
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And similarly, you might say, well, what do you mean you don't know? That kind of level of back and forth around giving details or not giving details. So why might this be triggering for someone with more anxious attachment patterns certainty and information and details allow you to feel some level of control, right? Vagaries and uncertainty and blank space is a total breeding ground for your anxiety. And particularly in circumstances like the 1 that I've just walked through, you're likely to go to a worst case scenario of they're hiding something from me. They're, you know, cheating on me. There's gonna be someone there that they shouldn't be seeing all of these things. And now I want to be really clear, because I know I'll get people saying, but what if that's true? And what if I've had that experience? And I'm not at all meaning to invalidate those fears to the extent that they are grounded in reality? I'm really talking here just about that dynamic of anxious partner really wanting a lot of information, needing that information to feel safe. And so grilling their partner or kind of interrogating a partner, continuing to like, pick and go back in for more and push and press and then finding resistance in their partner and using the fact of that resistance as evidence that there's something being hidden or concealed. And so escalating that attempt to, you know, draw blood from a stone to pull out information from them.
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And, you know, again, on and on that spirals because you're convinced that they're deliberately concealing or hiding something from you. Now, why would that be an issue for the avoidant partner? Why would they avoid a partner not just give you all of the details that you want? So let's kind of walk around to the other side and look at things from their perspective. We know that avoidant partners really value their privacy, their independence, their sense of autonomy. They will often, particularly earlier in a relationship, be quite protective of different parts of their life and keep them quite siloed. So say they were going to a work function. They might not want to give you all of the details about that. And they might deliberately keep that kind of vague because they don't think that it's relevant for you to know. They don't understand why you would need to know all of that because that's a different part of their life.
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Now I understand that if you're more anxious, that just doesn't make sense to you. It doesn't really make sense to me either as someone who does tend more in that direction and would freely give that information. But I suppose the point is that it's not always sinister, right? It's not always concealing something because there's something to hide that is dishonesty or keeping that kind of buffer can be a way of, keeping that kind of buffer can be a way of protecting their energetic space, and kind of keeping a level of autonomy rather than feeling intruded upon and feeling like you are seeking to insert yourself into every aspect of their life. So there can be this sense of, you know, a safe distance that they maintain by keeping details vague, by not being really over sharing about every little aspect of other parts of their life that they don't necessarily see as being relevant to you. Now that's not to say that you have to be okay with that. So on both sides, anxious partner doesn't have to just be okay with vague detail, with not being included in other aspects of their partner's life or being kept at arm's length. I think particularly as a relationship goes on, it's totally understandable that you would want to be included in different aspects of each other's lives and feel like you have at least some level of insight into that rather than feeling like you're being kept away. But equally, I think that having the understanding around where that might be coming from can allow you to approach the conversation to the extent that you feel you need to have a conversation from a more compassionate place rather than an accusatory 1.
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Because I can assure you that if you go in with an accusation, essentially, you know, what are you hiding from me? Why won't you tell me? Then your partner's only going to retreat further, feel even more intruded upon, and that's gonna exacerbate the dynamic. Now from the avoidant partner's perspective, I think, you know, your work here in this kind of argument is to understand that the more you give, the less your partner's going to go into that mode of intruding upon you or, you know, interrogating you, which is probably how you feel. I use that word kind of loosely or in inverted commas, because I know that that's how you're likely to feel as the more avoidant partner. Like, why are you harassing me? Why do you need to know this doesn't concern you? That protective stance that you're kind of adopting there is actually making it worse. So if you can see things from your partner's perspective and understand that that little bit of extra detail or informational context provides a lot of safety to relax into giving you your space without needing to feel like they have to investigate, you know, pry you open for information. That's, you know, a really nice and I would say relatively easy give, that will actually, you know, your fear story probably tells you that that's gonna be some slippery slope and then you're never gonna have any privacy or time or space yourself again. It's usually the opposite outcome. You'll actually have more freedom, more time and space yourself because your partner is not gonna be so paranoid.
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Okay. The next fight that you've probably had some variation of is if you're already having a fight or a serious conversation about something, and the avoidant partner starting to get restless as will often happen. And then they say something along the lines of it's not a good time or I have to get back to work or I have to go and do something. And so they essentially, like, abruptly leave the serious conversation because they've got some other thing to do. Now if you're the anxious partner and you were already upset or worked up, and then your partner says, I've got to go and do this work thing and it goes and gets their laptop out and starts doing something else. That's gonna feel incredibly rejecting and dismissive. Right? It's gonna feel like, how could you possibly be thinking about something else? How can you just switch gears like that? You must not care about this thing that we're talking about at all. You know, you're just trying to come up with some excuse to get out of this conversation.
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And so for the anxious partner, that's probably gonna fire you up and you're probably gonna follow them or just be really, really upset and hurt and possibly angry at your partner for just disengaging like that. And you're going to feel really deep prioritized. Like, if you cared about me, you wouldn't be going to do that thing, you'd be staying and having this conversation with me, right? For the avoidant partner, there can be this sense of, like, this conversation is gonna go on for 3 hours. I don't have time or capacity for it. It's not productive. We're not getting anywhere. We're just talking around in circles. And so I'm gonna go and do the thing that I was meant to be doing at this point in time.
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And that for them is a perfectly logical, kind of rational response to allocating their time and energy. They're not doing that to deliberately reject or hurt their partner. If anything, they're extracting themselves with a view to keeping the conflict at bay a lot of the time or not letting things escalate to the point of full blown conflict, big emotions, things that they don't really feel comfortable with. And so in nipping something in the bud or kind of shifting gears, extracting themselves, taking themselves out of the insensitive or inopportune moment. Oftentimes it's just their effort at either self regulating, whether they realize it or not, at preserving some semblance of peace and connection or really just doing the things that they were meant to do. You know, if they are genuinely working to a deadline, that might be as important, if not more important to them, than having some big, drawn out relationship conversation. Again, if you're more anxious, that's kind of unfathomable because being drawn out relationship conversations will always come first. Right? You would happily, cancel your plans and push back a deadline or be late for something.
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If something big was happening in your relationship and that needed to be discussed. That's always going to take precedence for you. And, you know, you would happily kinda drop everything else to stay in that until you find the resolution that you're looking for. That's just not true for your avoidant partner. A lot of the time, they don't have that same hierarchy where the relationship just sits like so far above everything else that nothing else matters. And so recognizing that that divergence in approach and how you view a conversation like that and the boundaries and time parameters and kind of staying in it, the presence, again, is not coming from a place of, like, a lack of caring or a deliberate attempt at hurting 1 another. But there are some little tweaks that you can do there to try and prevent that from escalating. Because as I said, there's a good chance if the avoidant partner does extract themselves that the anxious partner is going to fire up and really amplify their attempts at being heard, whether that's by getting nasty or getting really emotional, you know, saying you don't even care about me.
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What's wrong with you? I can't do this anymore. All of those sorts of things, which again tend not to help really. They're, you know, really understandable and oftentimes coming from a place of desperation at being seen and heard. Like, if I can just get you to understand how much I'm hurting, then you'll come to me, then you'll change, then you'll behave differently. And it can be so upsetting when that doesn't work because obviously we then tell ourselves, well, you don't care. So what can we do about this kind of fight? I think a really good starting point is not having those conversations unless you've got the time and space for them. So really getting an opt in from your partner. Do you have time to talk about X thing? So you're not kind of ambushing them when they are in the middle of something or when it's not a good time, when they're then likely to get kind of uncomfortable and restless and impatient with the conversation because they weren't in the headspace to have it in the 1st place.
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And so I think being respectful of their time and energy when you're having these conversations rather than just launching into something when your partner feels kind of backed against a wall, because that's going to naturally lead them to want to find the exit and then that's going to trigger you. So being respectful at the outset and finding a mutually workable time to have conversations, I think is really a good rule of thumb in any relationship. I would also say, hey, you know, if your partner does start to get restless, agitated, start to kind of pull away or withdraw or start to come up with these reasons why they can't continue the conversation rather than jumping to accusation or blame, maybe say, okay, I understand that when would be a good time for us to finish this conversation off? Because it's really important to me. I know that you've got to do x y zed thing. Maybe you just need to cool off and that's actually really valid and sensible. I would say remembering that there is no point in pushing through a conversation when 1 or both of you are really dysregulated. And that's really hard for the anxious partner who just wants to, like, pull those through at all costs until you find your way to that resolution. But when you're both kind of worked up in your own way, you're very rarely going to find yourself to a genuine kind of resolution to that conflict.
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You're not able to hear or see each other. So, respecting that if your partner is needing to pull away from the conversation, that that's actually probably sensible and wise and giving them the space to go and regulate with the caveat of, okay, what do I need out of that? What do I need in order to feel comfortable with you taking that space? Well, I need some assurance that we're gonna revisit this. Tomorrow, whatever. But it's gonna be much easier for you to let them go if you know that they're gonna tomorrow, whatever. But it's gonna be much easier for you to let them go if you know that they're gonna come back at some point and you're going to get what you need. And as a little footnote to that, very sensible for you in that time apart, if you do take that space to go and regulate yourself as well, rather than just, you know, sitting on your bed crying and rehearsing what you're going to say to them, because that's only going to get you more and more worked up. Okay. The 3rd and final fight that you've probably had, I'm sure I could have done an episode without 50 of these, but I'm going to leave it at 3 for today is around love languages.
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So I've done an episode of on the love languages before and I've mentioned it here and there. If you're not familiar with the term, I'm sure most of you are. But basically that we each have our own ways of giving and receiving love that are most natural to us, that we give love, show love in those ways, and that we perceive others actions as loving. We feel really love when people demonstrate their love in particular ways. And so for anxiously attached people, I mean, I always kind of joke that I think like anxious people can identify with all of the love languages almost because they tend to really want to express love and to have love expressed towards them. It's almost like this bottomless pit of expressiveness around love and affection and care and desire in both directions, but particularly words of affirmation being like given a verbal reassurance that you are loved and cared for and, you know, getting compliments, those sorts of things are likely to really feel very nourishing and reassuring to the anxious partner. Physical affection is another big 1. And so what we often see in anxious avoiding couples is once again, we tend to have quite different love languages.
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So for more avoidant folks, you'll tend to see less of those direct shows of affection, like words of affirmation, their physical affection, physical touch and more kind of action based things. More, we might say indirect acts of service, quality time, gift giving as well can be 1 for for avoidant folks. So what you might see and, you know, a common fight that you might have had is around these differences in love languages. So for anxious folks, you probably want your partner to be more expressive to say, I love you more to say, like, you know, you mean so much to me or you look beautiful or, you know, I don't know what I'd do without you or these sorts of things. Right? Just like getting that verbal reassurance. And you probably don't get heaps of that. From most avoidant partners, that's probably not gonna come naturally to them, being so openly expressive about their feelings towards you. And so they might not be very heavy handed on giving out compliments or or, you know, giving out those words of affirmation in terms of endearment, probably not their thing.
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And so you might have had some sort of conflict around that. Likewise, you know, around affection, you might reach out and, like, hold their hand and they might pull their hand back. You might give them a hug, and they might kind of stiffen in your arms. They stand there and then pull away, and that might feel very rejecting for you, understandably. On the flip side of that, you might find that more avoidant partners really wanna spend, like, quality time together. And for them, you know, quality time is likely doing activities together, doing new things together, like being out in the world together. And they might get quite restless, The idea of just hanging out at home together, for example, you know, not doing anything novel or exciting, kind of being in a bubble together is probably not gonna meet that need. And so you've probably had some variation of conflict around these different ways of showing love.
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And oftentimes, it will be the anxious partner. You can see a theme here. Often the anxious partner is the 1 I don't wanna say initiating the conflict, but I suppose expressing the the need or the sense of lack or the sense that there's an issue that needs addressing. And that might be around, like, you never tell me you love me or you don't even find me attractive or those sorts of things. And when an avoided partner hears that, particularly if they've been making an effort to show love in their own way, so via acts of service, via, you know, spending time together, they're likely to hear that as just like, oh, nothing I do is enough. Right? I try and do all of these things, and you're just over here telling me that I haven't done that thing or haven't done enough of it. And you're asking me to do something that doesn't come naturally to me. And for avoidant people, there's this real sensitive point around, I don't wanna have to do something where I feel forced.
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So I don't wanna have to pretend to feel something that I don't feel. I don't wanna say something that doesn't feel sincere or authentic. That feels kind of scripted and awkward to me, they're likely to have a bigger version to things like that. I don't want, you know, engage in physical affection that feels unnatural and and uncomfortable. So, recognizing that there is this aversion to doing that which doesn't come naturally for their point of partner. It's very much out of their comfort zone, and they're likely to be very resistant to it, which is why they're, you know, more inclined to stick to their more comfortable ways of showing love. But you may well have had some conflict around expressions of love and love languages. Now what to do with that, I really recommend if if that is you, then going to listen to the episode around love languages.
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From memory, we also cover love languages specifically in the secure together course that I mentioned earlier. I mean, you know, how to navigate those. But I think once again, we have to give our partner the benefit of the doubt on both sides. Like, what's the most generous interpretation of this? And that's not gonna be, well, my partner just doesn't give a shit about me. They just don't care about me. Can I find my way to a more generous interpretation? Can I try to reorient myself from this really strong negative bias to seeing, you know, how my partner does show up for me and making sure that they know that, making sure that they feel really acknowledged again on both sides? And because the more we shift to that kind of culture of appreciation and acknowledgment, the more safety there's going to be and the more likely we are to be able to then take risks because vulnerability doesn't feel so frightening. If we're in a culture of blame and accusation and attack and defensiveness, vulnerability is a really big ask against that backdrop because we feel like we're in constant self protection. So if you can find a way to shift that culture, shift the relational environment towards something that is more positive, and appreciative, then you may just find that your partner is more willing to meet you in the middle or take those risks, step out of their comfort zone because you've created a really secure foundation for them to do that.
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Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful for you. As I said, I hope that you felt seen validated maybe by aspects of those. And even if it's not a carbon copy of those exact fights that you might you know, see aspects of yourself and your partner or maybe an ex partner in the dynamics that I've spoken to that can sit underneath those surface level fight. So hopefully that's given you a little bit more compassion and empathy for your partner and also some greater conscious awareness about what drives your own triggers and so that you don't just have to do a rinse and repeat of those painful arguments that tend to drive you further and further apart rather than bringing you closer together, which is, of course, what we're trying to do. And as I said, if you want to go deeper on that kind of conversation, Secure Together is a really great course, particularly so because Joel is kind of co teaching it with me. And so he's there in all of the videos giving the avoidant perspective directly. I had so much beautiful feedback from people's avoidant partners, who've really loved that and felt that it's been really balanced and so has felt less intimidating for them.
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It's not just being lectured to by someone who's on team anxious. It's actually really trying to give a voice to both perspectives with a view to helping you understand each other. So, there's a few more days to get 50% off that course if you are interested, and you can do so via the links in the show notes or heading straight to my website. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me. So appreciative of you all always, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, anxious avoidant relationship, attachment styles, conflict, fights, insecurity, building relationships, thriving relationships, conscious awareness, romantic relationships, relationship dynamics, intimacy, fear and insecurity, safety in relationships, attachment needs, protective mechanisms, anxiety, regulation, avoiding conflict, partner dynamics, love languages, words of affirmation, physical affection, quality time, acts of service, gift giving, emotional regulation, relationship communication